08x19 - Georgie and Grace

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Newhart". Aired: October 25, 1982, - May 21, 1990.*
Watch/Buy Amazon

d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.
Post Reply

08x19 - Georgie and Grace

Post by bunniefuu »

- What... what are you
doing up there, George?

- Watching the snow fall.

If it keeps piling up like this,

it's going to engulf the inn.

And we'll be trapped in here.

And we won't have any food,

and we'll start eating each
other's flesh to survive.

- George, the basement
i-is full o-of canned goods.

- d*ck, that stuff is
loaded with sodium.

- George, w-winter
will be over soon.

You just have a-a
mild case of cabin fever.

- Yeah?

That's what Shelley Duvall
said to Jack Nicholson

in The Shining,

right before he buried an axe
in Scatman Crothers's chest.

- Okay d*ck, I made
up those five silly rooms

for those five silly
guests you're expecting.

- And did you clean up
their five silly bathrooms?

- Well, all except the
one at the end of the hall.

It has a defective mirror,
makes me look pouty.

- Life's a bitch,
and then you die.

- Couldn't we just cram
these guys into one room

and charge them for five?

- You know, m-maybe
you should be the innkeeper

and... and I should be the maid.

- Oh, no, thanks.

People in sedentary jobs

tend to get those
repulsive cellulite deposits.

- Wh-Why do you
think I wear slacks?

Did you put mints
on their pillows yet?

- You just love sucking the
lifeblood out of me, don't you?

- Hi, w-welcome
to the Stratford.

I-I'm d*ck Loudon. You
must be the party of five?

- Are we that obvious?

- Well, when you work
behind the front desk

as... as long as I have,

you, you know, you
develop a-a keen eye.

- And repulsive
cellulite deposits.

- Boy, Vermont sure is
beautiful in the winter.

- It's bitter, it's bleak,

it turns you into
a frozen zombie.

- Th-That's George Utley,
he's our... our social director.

- We thought after we settle
in, we'd like to grab a bite.

Can you suggest
a good restaurant?

- There's a bunch
of them in New York.

- Yeah, but, you know, if
you don't feel like driving

300 miles in a... in a blizzard,

th-there's The Lusty
Buccaneer out on Route 14.

The waitresses wear hot
pants and eye patches.

- That doesn't sound
like the kind of restaurant

a priest would frequent.

- Well, maybe not, but you guys
should have a-a hell of a time.

You, uh, you... you mean
you... you men are all...

A-Are you guys, fellows, holy
men, h-here to open a winery?

- No, we're on retreat.

- Occasionally,
we're able to get away

to do some
self-examination, meditate,

and God willing,
raise a little heck.

- All right, let's lay
some ground rules.

There will be no
roughhousing in the rooms,

no all-night beer parties,

and if I find one cigarette
burn in the carpet,

d*ck, I'll have you
booted out of here.

- Clear?
- Yes, ma'am.

- d*ck, these guys
are real loonies.

I just saw them praying
to their pancakes.

- Stephanie, they
were saying grace.

- Do people still do that?

- Yeah, th-there's still
some loonies around

who thank God for their
daily bread, or flapjacks.

- I wouldn't know.

A Vanderkellen never
has to pray for anything.

- Excuse me, miss.

Could we trouble you
for some more coffee?

- All right.

But forget about the grace.

I already blessed
the pot in the kitchen.

- Would it be a bother
to ask for some decaf?

- Yes.

All right.

Here's your decaf.

- d*ck, isn't it time to tell
Stephanie they're priests?

- Joanna, let me enjoy
this a little while longer?

I mean, there's so little in
my life that makes me smile.

- So, Lou at the
gas station was right.

You are harboring
five eligible bachelors.

- Miss Goddard, I don't
know how eligible they are.

- Then I guess it's
up to me to find out.

- d*ck, tell her.

- Not... not yet. I'm smiling.

- Hello, boys.

- Hi.

- I'm Prudence Goddard,
the town librarian.

I'm also the unofficial
welcome wagon, so to speak.

- Friendly town.

- Avert your eyes, John.

I've seen her type
before, a hotbed of sin.

- What do they call you, fella?

- Ken.

Miss Goddard, we're
all men of the cloth.

- And I'm a woman of the sheets.

- Miss... Miss Goddard,
o-our guests are... are priests.

- Priests?

Oh, this is so embarrassing.

Oh, how could I be...

Are any of you drifting
from the calling?

- Certainly not.

- I see.

Well, I'm sure the
church appreciates

the sacrifice you're making.

What a shame.

I was prepared to show you
a whole new kind of heaven.

- Morning, George. Sleep well?

- When's this winter
hell going to end?

- I slept well too, thanks.

- George, if you're
not too busy today,

we'd love to have
you take us ice fishing.

- Well, I was planning to stare
at the fireplace again today,

but heck, I can do that later.

- How about it, men?
A little ice fishing?

- Excellent idea.

- Gee, if I'd known
we were going fishing,

I would have brought my boots.

- A-Are you saying you could
use the shoes of the fishermen?

- Stephanie, our
guests are going fishing

and they'll need boxed lunches.

- You know, if you don't learn
to do things for yourselves,

no woman will ever have you.

- You haven't told her about
our vocation, have you?

- Not... not yet.

Does that make me a sinner?

- How long has she
been working for you?

- Seven years.

- Then you're serving your
own particular kind of penance.

- d*ck...

are people supposed
to read those Bibles

we keep in the nightstands?

- No, no. They're just...
They're just for show.

- Well, that's what I thought.

But those guys have
them out on their beds

like they were
actually reading them.

- Maybe they're
priests on retreat.

- Oh yeah, sure.

- Hi, everybody.
Look what we caught!

- Twenty-three of
the scaliest perch

ever to be plucked out
of Johnnycake Pond.

And I reeled in
15 of them myself.

- Stephanie, why don't we
take these fish into the kitchen

and start cleaning them?

- They just came
out of the water.

How dirty could they be?

- Joanna means you
have to cut off their heads,

rip out their guts,
and peel off their skin.

- Ew.

- Come on,
Stephanie, just pretend

they're poorly
dressed townspeople.

- Th-Thanks for
taking George along.

This little outing really...
Really perked up his spirits.

- He was indispensable,
especially when it came time

to remove the fish
hook from Jasper's bum.

I must say there's
something about Vermont

that produces a
special breed of man.

- Hi, I'm Larry. This
is my brother, Darryl,

and this is my
other brother, Darryl.

- And th-then there's
the occasional hybrid.

- Rumor has it the
Stratford is playing host

to a quintet of ecclesiastics.

- If... if you mean
priests, yeah.

This... this is Father Ken.

- How can I help you, Larry?

- Hi.

We made this pilgrimage to
obtain papal authentication

for several of our holy relics,

the first one being the
head of Judas Iscariot.

The thick eyebrows
and fleshy cheeks

are trademark features
of the dark apostle.

- Another trademark feature is

the "Made in Puerto Rico" label.

- I hate to
disappoint you, Larry,

but this is a coconut...

with a monkey's
face carved in it.

- We do have another item

that's bound to catch
your ecumenical eye,

the trout of Turin.

- The trout of Turin?

- My brother Darryl
befriended this particular trout

while we were touring
the Canadian provinces.

He became so attached to it

that he kept it
under his pillow.

- I'm afraid a fish
stain on a pillowcase

doesn't qualify as a holy relic.

- Well Darryl, it appears
as if our sacred sack

is sacred no more.

Come, let us part the
waters of Johnnycake Bog

and seek solace
in that ancient ark.

- Excuse me, I feel a
sudden need to go upstairs

and pray to St. Jude,

the patron saint of
hopeless causes.

- It sounds like... sounds like
you had a good day, George.

- Oh, you bet.

I never knew priests
were supposed to have fun.

Father John told
this dilly of a joke

about a wayward Lutheran
who went to this farmer's house.

- George, George...
- These two beautiful...

I know... I know the joke,
but i-it was a wayward Baptist.

- Baptist?

That's even funnier.

A Baptist!

- George, I guess you're over,
you know, your winter blahs.

- Oh, it wasn't just
the winter, d*ck.

I was depressed because there
wasn't any meaning in my life.

But that all changed
this afternoon.

d*ck, I've decided
to become a priest.

- George, let... let me...
let me get this right.

Just because a priest
tells you a-a dilly of a story,

you're... you're
ready to... to sign up?

- d*ck, this isn't
the first time

I've considered the priesthood.

When I was an altar
boy at St. Michael's,

I was a hot prospect.

The one Sunday, I
dropped a 50-pound Bible

on Father McNee's toe.

He couldn't
genuflect for a month.

- George...

don't you think... don't you
think maybe you're a little old

you know, to be...
to be starting over?

- d*ck, what's age
got to do with it?

From now on, I'll be
answering to a divine boss.

- You know, I... I
always thought of myself

as a kind of divine boss.

- Don't delude yourself.
You're as mortal as they come.

- Greetings,
master of the house.

Where ist mine e-spouse?

- She's in der kitchen.

Now she's in der lobby.

- Guten abend,
my little schnitzel.

Your liebchen and liebchen-ette
are back from der TV studio.

- Michael, why are you
talking fake German?

- Herr d*ck shtarted it.

- Dish not.

- Oh, de pew,
Steph, what stinks?

- The, uh, the conversation.

- No, me.

I had to clean a ton of perch
for some fishermen staying here.

- Oh, my malodorous muffin.

You were bullied by a
band of barnacle barbarians?

- Yes.

- Were they cute?

- Hey d*ck, ou want to
watch Going My Way?

I've decided to model
myself after Bing Crosby.

He was a good priest
and a heck of a crooner.

- Well, I hope
they teach crooning

at the seminary, George.

- Hello, George.

- Hi.

- Any reason for you to be here?

- Well, let's see, I
own the inn, I live here.

No, n-none whatsoever.

- So George, is it true you're
entering the priesthood?

- Yes, I'm leaving
my sinful life behind.

I've taken the vows of
poverty and obedience.

- I can't help but notice
you left out chastity.

Are you trying to seduce me?

- Heavens, no.

- I see.

In that case, I'd
like to send you off

with a very special gift,

very much like the one I
bestowed upon Tommy Anderson...

before he joined the Navy.

And like Danny O'Shannon...
before he joined the sideshow.

And Scotty Buck... before he...

I guess he wasn't
going anywhere.

- Miss Goddard, you're trying
to entice me with your femininity.

- Just think of me
as your last supper.

- I already ate.

- Then think of me as
your after-dinner mint.

- Miss Goddard,

I don't think priests
are allowed to snack.

Go forth in peace.

- You have more inner
strength than I thought.

You'll make a
wonderful priest, George.

- Thank you, my child.

- Not even one quick
game of woof-woof?

Just remember, sweet George,

I'll be waiting for
you in the afterlife.

- I just withstood the
greatest test known to man.

- D-Did Miss Goddard do
her dance of the 17 veils?

- Thank goodness, no.

I would have been
a goner for sure.

Any reason for you to be here?

- Well let's see, I still
own the inn, I still live here.

None whatsoever.

- Hi, Father Ken.

How's Father Jasper feeling?

- Better.

Some people can eat perch
and it doesn't affect them.

Others break out in
angry red blotches.

- You know, I've been
wanting to talk to you, Father.

- You're interested
in becoming a priest.

- Yeah, how'd you know?

- You're holding the
copy of Going My Way.

It's about as close as we
get to a recruitment film.

Tell me, when did you
come to this decision?

- Right after
Father John's story

about the nearsighted
Presbyterian and the billygoat.

- That one brought the
archbishop to his knees.

You know, George,

you're seeing us at one
of our rare vacations.

Most of the time, being
a priest is hard work.

- Yeah, I guess those exorcisms
can really wear a guy out.

- Well, some exorcisms.

But a more time consuming
task is to provide counsel.

Say one of your
parishioners confessed

that he was being
unfaithful to his spouse.

- You mean, like
Officer Shifflett

and Miss Goddard?

See, he was going on a stakeout

and Miss Goddard
wanted to send him off

with a very special gift.

- George, a priest
is supposed to keep

all confessions in confidence.

- Boy, if there's anyone who
can't keep a secret it's me,

though I never told a soul

that Joanna has a tattoo
of a seahorse on her thigh.

- Joanna has a tattoo?

- Well, since you
know that much,

I might as well
tell you the rest.

See, she was showering
and I was outside on a ladder.

- You know what, George, good.

I think we've concluded
that you've got a problem

in the loose lip department.

Well, that aside, a priest
must also have the calling.

- Who calls you?

- God.

- What does he sound like?

Does he have a deep
voice like Brenda Vaccaro?

- It's not so much
a voice, George,

as it is a call from the soul.

- Gee, I haven't heard
a peep out of my soul.

- There are other ways
to show your devotion.

You could volunteer
your time at St. Michael's.

- Well, I don't think
they'd want to see

the likes of me again.

We had a falling out years ago.

- The church is all forgiving,

unless you're that
notorious altar boy

who dropped the 50-pound
Bible on Father McNee's toe.

-Ha-ha-ha-ha...

- Do you think they need any
help over at St. Christopher's?

- I'm sure they'd
be very grateful.

- Well, thanks for being
so straight with me, Father.

Maybe I'll put off this
priest thing for a while.

I guess I'd better
return Going My Way,

unless you want to see it.

- No, thanks, I've seen
it over a hundred times.

- Well, I've got all of
Cheech and Chong's films.

- Let's watch Going My Way.

- I hope you had
a pleasant stay.

- Oh, we did.

- Now I know what hell is like.

- Well come on, I'll give
you directions out of... hell.

- So, I guess you won't be
taking... taking George along.

- No.

It's funny, it seems like
every time we have a retreat,

somebody wants to join up.

This time, I
thought it'd be you.

- Well, I-I did
consider the priesthood

briefly when...
when I was a kid.

Hen I went to see The Bells of
t. Mary's and noticed how hot...

How lovely Ingrid
Bergman looked.

- Say no more.

We've lost a lot of
candidates to that movie.

- Oh, you're checking out.

I better not find
any Bibles missing.

- Goodbye, Father Ken.

- So long.

- Why are you
calling him Father?

- Because I'm a priest.

- You are not.

- Yes, he is.

Oh!

Oh, didn't...

Didn't I tell you?

- Excuse us, Father.

How could you do this to me?

Now I'll rot in hell for sure.

Father, I don't think you've
met my little daughter, Stephie.

I was going to name her Madonna.

- Oh, she's lovely.

Bye now.

- Did I tell you that my daddy
is chummy with the Pope?

How does Cardinal Ken sound?

- I like it.

Come out to the
car and we'll talk.

- Look what I found
in the side yard,

the first crocus of spring.

- About time, George.

- I'm going to take
it over to the library

and offer it to Miss Goddard.

Woof-woof.

- All right, who told those
priests about my tattoo?

- Meow!
Post Reply