04x11 - Much Ado About Mitch

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Newhart". Aired: October 25, 1982, - May 21, 1990.*
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d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.
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04x11 - Much Ado About Mitch

Post by bunniefuu »

( Music playing )

- Okay, here's how
senor ouija board works.

You ask the spirits a question

And they'll respond
by moving this to "yes," "no,"

Or it'll spell something
out on these letters.

- And it's at this point
I'll be having fun?

- More fun than splashing

Badly-dressed pedestrians
in the turbo z.

- Ooh!

They should put that
on the box.

- ( Chuckling )
all right!

Let's communicate
with the hereafter.

We can talk to any historical
figure we want, like...

- Cleopatra's dead,
isn't she?

- That's the rumor.

- Well, I'd be interested
to know

What kind of makeup
she used.

- All right!
Now we're rolling.

Earth to cleo.

- Hey, d*ck, joanna,
could you give me a hand here?

I need someone
to check this application.

- "The vermont family
support league."

You're applying
to be like a big brother?

George, that's terrific.

- Well, it's the least
I could do

For a kid that needs a buddy.

I figure I can take him
hiking or fishing,

To a ball game,
back from a ball game too.

- ( Coughs )
so-- let's take a look.

"Name: george utley.

Occupation:
head of guest relations,

Stratford inns of america"?

- You were honored
by the society

For semi-aquatic animals?

- Yeah. You remember last year

When they roasted me down
at the beaver lodge.

- George, my advice would be
to be as up-front as possible

With your answers.

- Yeah, george,
you're a terrific guy.

You don't need to exaggerate.

- Well, I guess
it's worth a sh*t.

I've got a couple
of extra applications

Up in my penthouse suite.

Well, it is on the top floor
of the garage.

- L...

E.

Cleopatra used that
on her face?

Eww! Hang up on her.

- Well, if history's
gonna gross us out,

Let's try the future.

Okay, tell me this, ouij:

Will my true love
be forever faithful?

"No."

- What?

- Well, we're obviously
experiencing

A slight technical difficulty.

Let me try
rephrasing the question.

Will my true love
ever be unfaithful?

"Yes."

- Michael,
I don't like this game.

It's saying
bad things about me.

- Well, not to worry, steph.

It's not like anyone
believes this silly stuff.

- Good. I'm going to the kitchen
to get us some drinks.

- I'll come with you.

- I wonder
how george is hitting it off

With his little brother.

- Well, any kid that doesn't
go nuts for george is a jerk.

- True, but he was awfully
nervous when he left.

I think he must've polished
his reel four times.

Michael:
calling all cupcakes!

calling all cupcakes!

( Chuckling )
hi, d*ck.

Lady d*ck.

I just want to mention, d*ck,

On sunday I've got
a photographer coming

To take a new picture of you
for the station lobby.

- What's wrong
with the old one?

- It's no longer accurate,

Unless you were
planning on growing

A goatee
and mouse ears.

- Somebody drew on it?

- Hi, michael.

- Aw, steph, I'm glad you didn't
cancel tonight's date.

- How many times do I have to
explain about last night?

My curling iron
and hot rollers

Went on the blink
at the same time.

Now, I couldn't
let you see my hair

Without its natural curl
and bounce.

- I believe every word,
but you have to admit it's--

It's kind of a coincidence.

- The iron and rollers
are right upstairs

If you want to check.

- Steph, I wouldn't demean
our relationship

By going upstairs
to verify your story.

We can check it out right here
with our friend, the ouij.

- Michael, if you don't
put that board away,

You're not going to need it
to communicate with dead people.

- Away it is and away we go.

d*ck: honey, promise
you'll never let a--

A board game
come between us.

- Low bridge.
Look out.

Okay, down periscope.

( Ticking )

- Periscope down,
uncle george, sir.

- d*ck and joanna loudon,

This is mitch stevens
and I'm uncle george.

- Hi, mitch.
- Hello.

- Looks like you two
had a great day.

- We did.

They didn't.

d*ck and joanna
own this whole inn.

- Really?

- Every wall, and d*ck here
writes all sorts of books.

- Wow! You mean, like,
"horton hears a who"?

- Um, more like
"horton builds a barbecue."

- And d*ck here is the star
of his very own tv show.

- Wow!

- Well, I'd hardly say
"star," george.

More like a personality.

- Wow!
Know what?

- Uh, no.

- Uncle george is gonna
teach me to hammer

Without hitting my fingers.

- Oh that's--
that's-- that's swell.

- And you know what else?

- I-- I don't think so.

- Uncle george
is coming over

And we're gonna build
a tree house.

- Well, again,
I'd put that in the--

In the "swell" category.

- It's gonna be feet high.

- Great!

- And you know what else?

- Mmm-mmm.

- You shouldn't talk
with your mouth full.

- Uh, mitch, we--
we should let d*ck eat.

He loves playing "know what."

- Looks like
he's a champ at it.

- Mitch, maybe you should
wait here.

I've got a lot of messy
fish cleaning to do.

- Oh boy!

Fish guts.

- Hey, d*ck, look what i...

Oh, oh. Sorry.

You're in the
middle of something.

- No, that's all right george.

Joanna asked me to clip
these cents-off coupons

And I accidentally said yes.

So, what's-- what's up?

- I just got the pictures back
of my fishing trip with mitch.

- Oh, great.

- Here's mitch holding
his first worm.

- It's-- it's a beauty.

- And this is mitch trying
to get the worm on the hook.

- Uh-huh.

- This is mitch looking
for the worm on the ground.

- Uh-huh.

- And here he is
after he found the worm.

- George, i--
I really ought to get back.

I'm-- I'm racing the clock
on these expiration dates.

- Oh, sorry.

Just-- just looking at
all these sh*ts of mitch,

I get carried away.

- Yeah, there's something
about a--

A boy and his--
and his worm.

- Uncle george?

- "Uncle george"!

I love it.
In here, mitch.

Oh, d*ck, I'm building mitch
a wigwam out back as a surprise.

Could you keep him busy
for a minute?

- Sure.

George:
hi, mitch.

- Hi, uncle george.

Hi, d*ck.
Know what?

- Uh, mitch, why don't
you just-- just tell me?

- Uncle george said we get to
go down to your tv station

And see your show.

- Oh, mitch,
I haven't even asked yet.

We can't just put d*ck
on the spot here.

So, d*ck, what is it?

Yes or no?

- Well, you can come
to tomorrow's show

If you want to.
- All right!

- Uh, mitch, could you stay
in here with d*ck for a minute?

I'm getting a big surprise
ready for you.

- Okay, uncle george.

Uncle george said your pictures

Are on the back of your books.

- Uh...

Hey, you're right.

All this time
I thought it was a mirror.

- ( Laughing )

d*ck, are any of the kids
in your book named mitch?

- Um, most--
most of my characters tend--

Tend to be hand tools.

- Oh.

Are any of your tools
named mitch?

- No.

But-- but I suppose if--
if I ever named one,

I could name it,
uh, mitch the monkey wrench.

- Wow!

d*ck, do you ever have kids
named mitch on your tv show?

- No.

Never-- never ever.

- But you could.

Hey, know what?

We could be
in a show together.

I could be
mitch the monkey wrench

And you could be...
d*ck the drill

And we could-- we could fight
crime and save people and fly!

- Great-- great idea.

It's just, you know,
kind of been done to death.

George:
okay, mitch. Ready.

- Okay!

Well, bye.

- Bye.

- Know what, d*ck?

- What?

- I wish you were
my big brother.

- Oh, d*ck, great.
I caught you.

Can you go over a couple things
with me before the show?

- Uh, sure.

- Okay, last night steph said

She "took a bath
and went to bed early."

Was that the straight
( indistinct )?

- Michael, I'm only willing
to talk about today's show.

- Fine.

Well, while preparing
today's show last night,

What was steph doing?

- Michael.

- All right, d*ck,
you don't have to answer me.

I'll just walk away
and if you don't stop me,

I'll know steph
was telling the truth.

Whew! Well,
I feel much better now.

You are playing along with me,
aren't you, d*ck?

- Hiya, d*ck.

- Oh, hi, mitch.

Where's--
where's george?

- He's still
parking the truck.

I couldn't wait to see you.

- Listen,

( Coughs ) mitch,
let me make one thing clear.

Y-- you know, you're lucky to
have a--

A friend like george
'cause he's one--

One terrific guy.

- Wow!

It's just like
a real hollywood studio.

- No.
No, it isn't.

It's a tiny, low-budget,
hole-in-the wall station.

George:
hi, guys.

Just like
a real hollywood studio, huh?

- Yeah!

- It's not at all
like a hollywood studio.

- Three minutes, mr. Loudon.

- Thank you.

- Uh, d*ck, the photographer
for the new lobby portrait.

Say "cheese."

( Clicking )

- You wanna look over
the cue cards, mr. Loudon?

- They're--
they're fine.

- Just like
being on the set

Of "lifestyles
of the rich and famous."

- Really, it's never--
it's never like this.

I mean, this is a quiet,
intellectual show.

Today's guest is a--
a scientist with

The department of agriculture.

Boring, right?

- Oh, d*ck,
the agriculture guy canceled.

A little radioactive milk

And suddenly he doesn't have
time for us.

So, meet today's guest,
the amazing dwayne.

- You booked a magician?

- Nice to meet you,
mr. Loudon.

I said, nice to meet you,
mr. Loudon.

Oh, I see what the problem is.

You have an egg in your ear.

- Wow!

- Michael.

- I think we've got
our opening, d*ck.

Try to remember
how you reacted.

It was cute.

- ( Chuckling )

Pretty neat, huh, mitch?

- Yeah!
Know what, george?

d*ck said he's gonna
write a whole book about me.

- He did?
- What?

- Yeah, and you know
what else?

It's gonna be a tv show too:

"Mitch the monkey wrench
and d*ck the drill."

We're gonna fight crime
and fly.

- What?

- George, i--
I never said

Anything
about a television show.

- But it could happen,
right uncle d*ck?

- "Uncle d*ck"?

- George...

- Fifteen seconds,
mr. Loudon.

Clear the stage,
please.

- Well. Well,
looks like you and mitch

Have quite a lot planned
together "uncle d*ck."

- George, can-- can we
talk about this after the show?

- Oh, I don't know.

You and mitch might be too busy

Fighting crime and flying,
uncle d*ck .

- George...
- five seconds.

- You hollywood types
don't care who you step on,

Do you, uncle d*ck ?

- Morning, honey.

Well, hasn't--
hasn't george come down yet?

I was hoping to talk to him.

- Not yet and I don't know why
you didn't talk to him

After the show yesterday.

- Honey, the amazing dwayne

Had me jammed in a box
full of swords.

It wasn't like I could make
any sudden movements.

Is that cinnamon hot crosses?

- Oh, yeah, and they should be
just about ready

To come out of the oven.

- Mi... Chael.

- Steph, have you got a minute

For a couple quick
follow-up questions?

- I keep telling you
I was home all night.

Stupid, stupid spirits.

I wish they'd just drop dead.

Fingers.

All right,
listen up you stiffs,

Will I be unfaithful to michael?

No.

Case closed.

- I don't get it, steph.
Every time I ask

"Will my true love
ever be unfaithful?"

Yes.

It doesn't figure.

The only way both answers
could be right

Is if you weren't my true...

Well, this thing's
obviously defective.

- Freeze!

Am I michael's true love?

"No."

Okay, then who is?

"T--

Z."

Tz?

- Steph, I swear,
I don't even know any-- any tz.

You're not gonna believe some
piece of plywood are you?

In fact, I think "ouija"
is latin for-- for "silly."

- Ah! Let me put these babies
out of their misery.

- Hmm!
Well, leave a few.

I think the smell might lure
george out of his room.

- Good.
Then we can talk.

I mean, two adults should be
able to straighten this out.

- Mmm-mmm!
Cinnamon hot crosses.

- Uh, george,
about this business with...

- Gee, I didn't steal anything
you cared dearly about,

Did I uncle d*ck?

- Maybe it would be better
if you talked to mitch.

- Yeah, at least I can count
on him not to act childish

( Shouting )
and take all my buns!

- Hi, uncle d*ck.

- Oh, hi mitch.
Glad you could make it.

I-- I wanna talk to you about--
about uncle george.

- I just saw him outside.

He told me to tell you to
"twist the Kn*fe some more

Why don't you."

What does that mean?

- That's just--
just his way of saying "hi."

Why--
why don't you have a seat?

- Oh, boy!

An interview
just like on your tv show.

Here, pretend
this is a microphone.

- Uh, i--
I know you think you're--

You're real fond of me.

I mean, to you I must seem
glamorous and exciting,

Almost godlike.

- I can't hear you.

You're not talking
into the mic.

- Thanks, but i--
I don't think you--

You like me for me.

I think you like me
for-- for what I do.

My-- my being
a talk show host and a writer

Must seem glamorous to you
but in reality it's--

It's nothing more than...

Glitz.

- Glitz?

- Glitz is like...
- I can't hear you.

- Glitz is like--
like mr. T's jewelry.

- Mr. T?

- Mr. T wears a-- a lot of
gold and silver, but--

But underneath all that glitter
he's--

He's just your average...

Well, mr. T may not be
the best example, but...

You get-- you got my point.

- Yeah!
You know mr. T.

Can he be on the
"mitch the monkey wrench show"?

- There-- there isn't
going to be any show and i--

I don't know mr. T.

I'm just a--
a regular guy who--

Who wanders down to a tiny,
dingy tv studio

And does a pathetic,
low-budget show

That doesn't even draw as much
of an audience

As "sewing with susie."

- Well, you still write
those adventure books.

- They're how-to books.

No one--
no one reads them.

They just refer to 'em

And spill paint on 'em
and varnish.

Nobody cares who even--
who even writes them.

God!

- Oh, gee.

Mickey's hand is on the three.

I'd like to stay
and talk to you, d*ck,

But i, uh, I really wanted
to get in some bike riding.

See you around.

- So, how'd it go?

Honey?

- I'm nothing.

- Hi.

- Oh, hi, mitch.

- What'cha doin'?

- Oh, just hanging a boring
picture on the stupid wall.

- Really?
Can I watch?

- Wouldn't you have a
better time with d*ck?

- Well, he's a nice guy
and everything,

But when you get right down
to it, he's mostly glitz.

- Oh.

- George?

( Banging )

- You were gonna
show me how to hammer a nail

Without hitting my fingers.

- Well, you've come
to the right place.

Up periscope.

- Yeah.

- Now, the trick is
take careful aim,

Hold the nail steady,
keep your eye on the head.

( Tapping )

- Know what, uncle george?

- What?

- I'm glad
you're my big brother.

( Sighs happily )

- My mistake, mrs. Zimmer.

I must be looking
for another tz.

It was nice talking with you

And I'm sorry
I called you a hussy.

- Steph, I know
you're not speaking to me

But can I use the phone?
My car just broke down.

- I'm sorry michael.

This phone is only
for guests of the inn

And people who are
faithful to me.

- Please, steph.

The turbo z is stalled
at an intersection.

She could get smashed.

( Sighs )

I don't know how
she broke down like that.

She's always
been so reliable,

Like a true and faithful...

- "Tz."

Turbo z?

- Now, steph!

- You love that heap
more than you love me?

- Not at all.
You're neck-and-neck.

If it weren't
for that turbo charge,

There'd be no contest.

- Out!

( Music playing )

( Meow )
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