04x14 - Stephanie Nightingale

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Newhart". Aired: October 25, 1982, - May 21, 1990.*
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d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.
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04x14 - Stephanie Nightingale

Post by bunniefuu »

( Theme music playing )

( Coughing )

- Honey, what are you doing up?

- I just came down
to get a magazine.

- I could have
brought it to you.

Honey, you're sick.
Go back up to bed.

- I'm not sick.

I keep telling you,
I feel great.

( Coughing )

- Yeah, and you'll
sound great too

Once you've finished
coughing up linda blair.

Honey, c'mon, doc wylie
is examining the guests.

He'll get to you
in a couple of minutes.

- He's only gonna confirm

What I've been
telling you all along.

( Sneezing )

I'm fine.

( Phone ringing )

- Hello, stratford inn.

Oh, hi, mrs. Vanderkellen.

Is stephanie busy?

You're in luck.

Stephanie,
it's your mother.

- Here, I was doing the mantel.

Mommy, oh, I'm terrible.

Well, I'm surrounded
by sick people here.

And you know,
I don't even like being

On the same planet with mucus.

Spend the weekend with you?

Oh, that sounds nice

And, under the disgusting
circumstances,

I'm sure
d*ck would not let me go.

Oh, don't say
that about him, mommy.

i'm not saying it's not true,
i'm saying it's not nice.

Maybe we should talk later.

- Oha, host and cupcake.

- Michael.

- How's your day?
- Better now.

- Natch.

d*ck, great news.

This sunday, your guest
on "vermont today"

Is none other than the one,
the only, live and in person--

- Michael, who is it?

- The president
of the university of vermont.

- You're kidding?

I wanted him on the show
since we started

But you kept refusing
to book him.

- Well, d*ck,
the timing wasn't right.

But this week, the whistling
chipmunks fell through

And the rumba king
had a groin pull.

And the next name
on my list was the prez.

Oh, and I brought you
the brain's bio.

Oh, it's not here.
Must be in the turbo z.

I'll be back in a flash.

Miss me?

- Uh-huh.
- Same here.

- Well, I examined
your sick guests and your wife.

And they're fine.

- Really?

- Yup, apart from
having the measles.

- Measles?

- Then they aren't
really fine, are they?

- It can't be measles.
Joanna doesn't have spots.

- One or two.

- Well, I don't
want to catch it.

Isn't there a colony
you can put her in or something?

- Now, now, miss,
in this day and age,

You don't have cause
to be afraid of the measles.

- Measles? Yikes.

- Michael!

Where are you going?

- Steph, I can't stay,
it's germorama in there.

- But you forgot your briefcase.

- Keep it.

It's probably
crawling with measles,

Just waiting to jump
on my face.

- Michael.

Michael, what about
the bio for the show?

- Now the important thing is
to keep 'em in bed

And keep the fevers down.

You don't want to risk
any complications.

It's all here in these
instructions on patient care.

Well, I'll stop by tomorrow
for a spot check, ha, ha, ha.

- d*ck, here's some instructions
on patient care.

Oh, no.

It's enough
I have to scrub toilets.

Please, don't make me stoop
to taking care of the sick.

- Hi, everybody.
What's new?

- This inn
is full of pestilence,

People are dropping
like flies

And the doctor says
there's nothing he can do.

- Whoa.

A lot can happen
while you rotate your tires.

- That's just stephanie's
way of saying

There are five people
with the measles.

- That's the way
I took it, d*ck.

What else
could she have meant?

But don't worry,
you can count on my help

Through the whole crisis.

I've never been sick
a day in my life.

- Oh, you must have come
from healthy parents.

- No, d*ck, they're dead.

- Well, I guess we better
cancel all the reservations

And close down the inn.

If we divide up the labor,
I see no reason

Why three healthy people
can't handle this.

I can't believe
I have a child's disease.

Rats.

Rats!

More rats!

- Do you have to get
in such a terrible mood

When you're sick?

- No. Now shut up.

Damn.

I had this pillow just right.
Now it's too hot.

- Here, d*ck, take mine.

- Joanna, I swear, if you
offer me one more sacrifice,

I am going to k*ll you.

- Will you at least stop
eating your heart out

Over that bio?

- I can't.
I mean, it's not fair.

I don't even get to interview

The president
of the university of vermont.

Summa cum laude,
fulbright scholar.

Every moment of his life,
action-packed.

- Maybe you can take your mind
off of it if we watch tv.

Announcer: ( on tv )
slam dunk, mchale, - ,

the celtics have for their .

- The celtics.

I thought there'd be nothing on
but a bunch of soap operas.

( Gasping )
- that's right.

Woman ( on tv ):
i thought you d*ed in

that alaskan helicopter crash?

Man: no, cynthia,
that was my scheming lookalike .

- What are you doing?

- This woman has been posing
as cynthia for two years.

Any day now, she's gonna
reveal her true identity.

I am dying to know
who she really is.

- Honey, this is junk food
for the mind.

Let's turn
the basketball game on.

There could be a fight.

( Basketball playing
on television )

- I thought you didn't want me
to be so self-sacrificing?

- That wasn't me,
that was my scheming lookalike.

( Door closing )

- Well, it's time
for everybody's medicine.

Stephanie, are you still
rearranging those postcards?

You've been doing that
since yesterday afternoon.

- Yeah, and I'm almost finished.

- Wait a minute.

It seems to me you could have
finished that by this morning.

Maybe even late yesterday.

I've been doing
all this work around here

And you've been doing nothing.

Why don't you take
these pills upstairs?

- All right, george.

You caught me.

I haven't been doing
my share of the work.

And I'm going to
make it up to you,

Starting with
not taking that tray.

- Huh?

- George, after what I've done,
why should I get to go upstairs

And bask in the gratitude
of the temporarily d*sfigured?

Visiting, socializing,
yes, even laughing,

While you're stuck down here
manning the phone,

Alone, unappreciated,
forgotten.

- I hadn't thought of that.

Maybe I'll just take
these pills upstairs myself.

( Phone ringing )

- Oh, no,
it's starting already.

( Phone ringing )

Hello, stratford inn.

Oh, hi, michael.

You can't believe
how hard I'm working.

Aren't you going to say,
"poor steph"?

Thank you.

What?

Yeah, it's still here.

Michael,
you don't have to tell me

It's in a side compartment.

If it's a check book,
I can find it.

All right, your balance is...

$ . ?

Michael, what have you been
doing with your money?

Oh, well, I'm worth it.

You want to talk to d*ck?

But I'd have to go upstairs
to tell him.

Okay, I'll do it,

For $ . .

- Say, joanna, isn't that
soap opera you like on now?

- Yes, george.

But some selfishness seems to be
interfering with the signal.

- That's too bad.

I hear they're going to reveal
cynthia's true identity today.

- d*ck, michael's
on the phone.

d*ck: stephanie,
as long as you're here,

Would you clear away
the lunch dishes?

- No, no, d*ck.

That's my job.

Stephanie's not gonna make
a fool out of me again.

- Michael?

You have some good news?
What is it?

Replacing me was easier
than you ever dreamed.

Who did you get?

You're going after
arnold schwarzenegger.

What the hell has he got to talk
to a university president about?

Nothing,
but you can promote it

As "the terminator
and the educator."

Michael, schwarzenegger
will never do the show.

Yes, he could pass up
a title like that.

Goodbye, michael.

( Soap opera on television )

What happened
to the celtics?

Woman: all right,
i confess, for two years now

i've been masquerading as your
loving step aunt cynthia

but it's all been a sham.

in reality, I am--

Announcer: ( on tv )
( indistinct ) maxwell.

and there's the buzzer.

in all my years
of broadcasting,

that is the most incredible
sh*t I've ever witnessed.

- What?

What sh*t?

Announcer:
i would like to show the replay

but we're out of time.

join us again thursday
for the cel--

Woman:
then you forgive me?

Man:
of course I do,

now that you've told me
your true identity.

to me, you will
always be cynthia

and we shall never
speak of that again .

- I hope your spots get bigger
and your face explodes.

( Music playing )

- Tough break, stephanie.

But doc wylie asked me
to change the sheets

On all the sickroom beds.

- Okay, george,
but now you owe me.

- When did we get
all these steps?

Stephanie:
george,

You're not sick too?

- I don't know.

Does being sick mean
your head's hot,

Your throat's sore and your legs
feel like ginger ale?

- Yes.

- Gee, I haven't felt
that well since thursday.

- George, you owe me, remember?

Don't be sick.

- Well, I'm through.

( Breathing heavily )

Maybe not.

Say "aghh."

- Huh?
- That's close enough.

Yeah, that's the measles
all right.

You go and lie down
in an upstairs room

Where this little lady
can look after you.

- Boy, are you lucky?

I only had five people
to take care of.

You've got six.

- Uh, doc wylie?

- Yeah?

( Coughing )

- I'm sick too.

- You look perfect to me.

- Well, of course.

But I just know
I'm getting measles.

I've gotten everything else
I've ever wanted.

- I'm sorry.

There's nothing medically
wrong with you.

- But I can't take care of
a house full of sick people.

- I suppose
you could use a nurse.

- Great.
Where can I get one?

- You can't.
Ain't you heard?

There's a measles epidemic.

Looks to me
like you're on your own.

( Music playing )

d*ck: stephanie,
i asked for aspirin,

not flintstone vitamins.

- I'm pretty sure doc wylie said
you can substitute two wilmas.

( Knocking on door )

- Steph!

- Michael.

It's so good to see you.

- Same here.

Listen, steph, I need something
from my briefcase.

Could you check my
"week at a glance"

And see what time
my meeting is on tuesday?

- Michael, you care more about
that stupid, stupid briefcase

Than me.

- Untrue, steph.
That's tuesday, the th.

- Let's see.

Blow dryer,
breath spray,

Spanish-english dictionary.

Here's your "week at a glance."

Tuesday, the th.

Your meeting's at :
and you're planning to say,

"Good morning,
corporate caballeros."

- Great, thanks.
Bye, steph.

- Michael!

Don't you want to hear about the
hell I've been going through?

Michael:
see you after the epidemic.

d*ck: stephanie,
where is that aspirin?

- Eugh, eugh, eugh!

Hello, mommy,
how are you?

How's daddy?

Me?

I'm up to my waist
in used tissues.

What?

Spend a couple of days with you?

Mommy, we've been
all through this.

It's out of the question.

Okay, how soon can you
send the car?

See you.

( Music playing )

- Is that the last lozenge?

- Yeah.

Do you want it?

- Oh, no, I feel fine.

- You want it, don't you?

- You need it.
I don't.

( Coughing )

- Hi, d*ck, joanna.

Just bringing you
a little snack.

- Hi. Looks like there's enough
there for three days.

- You think so?

Joanna: stephanie, why are you
all dressed up?

- This?

This is nothing.

Don't you know that one of
the symptoms of measles

Is overrating people's clothes?

- Is there a banana in there?

- There's one left.

- Give it to joanna.

- I don't want it.

- Sure, you say that now
but if I eat it,

You'll start making noises
like a monkey.

- Well, if there's
anything else you want,

You better tell me now
because, well, just because.

- No, stephanie,
you've done so much.

I just wish I could help you.

It isn't easy taking care of us
and george and the guests

all by yourself and we really
appreciate it, right, d*ck?

- Yeah, right.

I'm still waiting
for my aspirin.

- And I'll just
leave this here.

It'll keep for days.

- Once again, we realize the
sacrifices you've been making

And I just want you to know
how much we really appreciate--

- Stop it!

I mean, thank you.

- Stephanie,
is everything okay?

- Well--

- Honey, it's time
for "vermont today."

I want to see
who michael got to host.

- Oh, yeah, me too.

- Well,

Take care of yourselves.

Announcer: ( on tv )
and now vermont today
starring d*ck loudon.

sitting in for d*ck
this afternoon is guest host,

binky the clown.

- What?

- Now, honey, don't get upset.

Maybe it won't be so bad.

Binky: hi, I'm binky
and gosh and golly,

i'm so happy because
we get to meet the president

of the university of vermont.

hi, mr. President .

( horn beeps )

- You're right, honey.

The first thing you do
when you meet a scholar

Is beep his nose.

( Music playing )

- Oh, no,
I have to fix the drain.

- George,
why aren't you in bed?

- Bed?
No, I have a lot to do.

Besides, you said you'd
teach me to use a wrench.

- Are you all right?

- Oh, sure.
I'd better hurry

Or I'll be late
for the pep rally.

Are you coming, dad?

- Oh, my god,
you're burning up.

You better lie down.

- Dad, are you mad
'cause I varnished the cat?

- Of course I'm not mad.

- Then how come I'm grounded?

- George, just lie there
and don't move.

Hello, is doc wylie there?

Can you tell him to come to
the stratford inn right away?

What do you mean,
he has an emergency?

This is a bigger emergency.

It affects me.

Well, tell him to get here
as soon as he can.

- 'Scuse me, are you
miss vanderkellen?

- Yes.

- Your limo's here.
Are these your bags?

- Who is it, dad?

Is that my date?

gee, that music's pretty.

- Oh, pish!

I'm not going.

Leave the bags.

- But, miss?

- Tell my parents
I'm not coming.

Thank you for making
such a long drive

And, by the way, you've been
exposed to measles.

- Thanks a lot, dad.

Now I'll have to go stag.

- Here, drink this.

It'll bring your fever down,

I hope.

- Hey, you're not dad.

- George, you're going
to be all right.

- Sure.

Thanks, mom.

( Music playing )

- Stephanie?

- Shh.

Can't you see
that george is asleep?

He was up half the night.

- Is he all right?
What happened?

- Don't worry.
He's fine now.

What are you doing down here?

- We were hungry.

The salami lost its flavor
on the bedpost overnight.

- We're feeling
a little better.

We thought we'd fix
our own breakfast.

- Well, just because
you're feeling better,

Doesn't mean you've recovered.

Now get back to bed
and I'll be up in a few minutes

With a nice hot breakfast
for everybody.

- d*ck, we're hallucinating.

- I hope to god that explains
binky the clown.

- Oh, geez,
what am I doing down here?

Stephanie!

- How are you feeling?

- Oh, fine.

I had the strangest dream.

My mother was there,

My father was there

And I went to a pep rally and
there was this beautiful angel.

- Oh, george.

That was me.

- No, it was a guy
in a chauffeur's cap

Carrying luggage.

- Go back to sleep, george,
you're still delirious.

( Theme music playing )

- Meow!
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