05x10 - Sweet and Sour Charity

[bunniefuu]

Oh. Hi. Um, is--

Is Room available?
That's my favorite.

Oh, you've been to the
Stratford before?

Oh, you bet. The old place
still looks the same

as the last time I was here.

When, uh-- when was that?

.

Ah. We-- we've had those two
chairs reupholstered since then.

It works. Jonathan Curtis. Ah,
this life, Jonathan Curtis.

d*ck-- d*ck Loudon. That would
be this life, too.

You know, the last
time I was here,

I was a scared young fur trapper

named Patrick Todd,

on my way to join General
Washington's militia.

Well, I can't tell you
how many times

this innkeeper's
heard that story.

Oh, George, would you show Mr.
Curtis to his room?

Sure. Oh, you're in the
John Hancock room.

You named a room after him after
he stole all those towels?

He did? Well, I guess my history
teacher was covering that up.

d*ck, do you really think we
should've let that guy check in?

Honey, I'm not gonna
discriminate against a man

because of race, creed or
number of lives.

Good morning, d*ck.

Jim, Chester.

d*ck, as mayor I've selected you
to do a big favor for the town.

It's a great honor.

Especially for a newcomer.

A newcomer? Joanna and I have
lived here for five years.

We know, but we're still
willing to take the risk.

d*ck, the town
library is suffering

from a serious book shortage.

Yeah, everyone's already
read the ones we got.

And to make matters worse,

some scofflaws haven't been
returning their overdue books.

Oh, that-- [ Clears throat ]
that reminds me.

I've been meaning to
return those.

So that's what happened to
the fiction wing.

Well, call me irresponsible,

but with your advertising
background and all,

I think you're the man
to be in charge

of getting more books
for the library.

You mean, a-- a book drive.

Wow. He's already come up
with a catch phrase.

So you'll do it, d*ck?

Oh, I-- I'd be honored. I
guess all this, uh,

unpacking and settling in is
just gonna have to wait.

d*ck, do I have to wait
on the dead guy?

He gives me the creeps.

Stephanie, Mr. Curtis is not
dead. He is reincarnated.

All right, so he's alive on
a technicality.

I want you to treat him like any
of our living guests.

After all, he's a
repeat customer.

Okay. But I don't have to wait
on him if he starts to decay.

Deal.

How's it going with
the book drive?

Oh, um, pretty good.

It would help if I had someone
to bounce ideas off of,

like I did in my ad agency days.

Honey, would-- would you stick
around for a while?

That sounds like fun. Okay.

Raising money to buy books.

Book drive, book drive,
book drive.

What about an auction?

Honey, you're the bouncee,
I-- I'm the bouncer.

Sorry.

Now, I-- Where was I?

"Book drive, book drive,
book drive."

Right. Book drive. Raising
money to buy books.

Buying books, borrowing books,
adopting books-- adopt a book!

That's it. Joanna,
you're incredible.

What's "Adopt a Book"?

Honey, you were there.

We make a list of books we want,

and then people take up the
money to adopt a book

for the library.

Oh, that's really cute.

Yeah, we'll make posters.

I see, uh, Hemingway, Poe,

Shakespeare, in-- in
baby bonnets,

saying, "Adopt me. Adopt me."

Oh, this is great. It's
starting to write itself.

Yeah, all you have to do is

get a couple of back-up ideas,
and you're all set.

Back-up ideas?

Joanna, when you've been in the
ad game as long as I have, you--

you can smell a winner.

Adopt a book. Take a whiff.

If I catch any of you
doing it again,

I'm gonna collar you and toss
you in the slammer.

Have a nice day.

Thank you, Officer Shifflett.

And let's hope that puts an end

calling teachers bad names
at PTA meetings.

Those eggheads are entitled

to as much protection
as anybody else.

And now to the next
order of business.

As most of you know, the library
has been suffering

from a marked
shortage of volumes.

Yeah, does anybody know who
gutted the fiction wing?

And I'm proud to announce

that because of his
advertising background,

we've asked d*ck Loudon to help
us solve the problem.

Excuse me, but we should we be
giving so much responsibility

to such a blatant newcomer?

Harley, the Loudons have been
here longer than you.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl, and
this is my other brother Darryl.

We realized when this
town wants to know

what's acceptable
and what ain't,

it takes its cue from us.

And we're giving him thumbs up.

Thanks, Larry.

Sure he has his quirks,

but with adequate supervision,
we think he'll do a fine job.

Well, with that vote
of confidence,

here he is: d*ck Loudon.

[ Applause ]

Thank you.

Wow, look at that easel.

And a special thanks
to George Utley

for making this easel.

[ Applause ]

Ladies and gentlemen,

I have an idea that is gonna get
the library so many books

that someone is going to
actually have to alphabetize

the card catalog.

Wow.

Holy.

How are we going to get

all these wonderful works
of literature?

Where is the money coming from?

Three magic words: Adopt-A-Book.

How does it work? As
simple as its title.

A person picks out the
book of his choice.

In return, his name is
engraved on the jacket

alongside the name of one of
these gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give
you: Adopt-A-book.

What else you got, d*ck?

Trust me, people won't be able
to resist this idea.

Who are those ugly babies?

All right, for--
forget the poster.

The-- the adopt-a-book idea
is-- is a winner.

Boy, guy blows into town, says
he's been in advertising,

and we believe him.

Hi. I'd like to rescind our
previous endorsement.

Now, now. d*ck's a professional.

I'm sure he wouldn't come in
here without some backup ideas.

Go ahead, d*ck.

Well, I, you know, I-- I have
some, but, uh, you know,

I don't--

I don't have any that were, um,
that were really,

you know, thought-- you know,
thought through carefully.

Honey. Honey. What about
the auction idea?

Honey, nobody's gonna get
excited about an auction.

Auction! Hey, that's
a great idea!

Yeah.

[ Approving murmurs ]

Ac-- actually, the auction was,
uh-- was Joanna's idea.

[ Approving murmurs ]

Ooh.

Wow.

That's great.

No babies with beards.

Let's hear it for Joanna!

[ Applause ]

Well, if you liked it here so
much the first time,

why did you wait
years to come back?

Actually, I tried once,
about years ago

when I was a grasshopper.

Got as far as the front porch
before some kid caught me

in a mayonnaise jar,

and the little bugger forgot to
punch holes in the lid.

[ Sighs ]

That wasn't me. I always
punched holes.

Don't mind me. Just here for the
meeting to plan the big auction.

Just talk among yourselves.

Anyway, George, being a bug is
always the worst.

Yeah.

Story has a happy ending,
though.

Couple of days later, I came
back as a housefly.

I figure, what the hell?

I'm looking at a two-day
lifespan, tops.

So that morning, I dive b*mb the
little beggar's corn flakes.

[ Laughs ] Yeah,
revenge is sweet.

Excuse me, ma'am.

What can you tell me about the
male cauc schmoozing

with your handyman?

Oh, he's some dead guy who
checked in yesterday.

I had a hunch.

All I can say is, I would only
come back as myself.

I'm sorry, you can't do that.

Well, then, you just forget it.

All right.

Officer Shifflett.
Welcome to our town.

Where are you from, stranger?

Oh, here and there.
Now and then.

I'll be watchin' ya.

Well, seems we're all here.

Start the meeting.

Let the record show I
was here first.

Since we're having an auction,

my guess is we're gonna
need an auctioneer.

I hired one from the
Boston Guild,

and he comes with his own gavel.

Wow, she's good.

Oh, boy. d*ck's here.

Don't, uh-- don't mind me. I'm
just getting a cup of coffee.

Honey, are you sure you won't
stay? We could use your help.

Honey, the-- the auction
was your idea.

Besides, what could I add?
People bid, people buy.

Well, I made a lot of
calls today,

and everybody wants to
give something.

And get this, Ted down
at NOAC Antiques

has agreed to donate a
whole bunch of stuff.

Well, that's terrific.

Then, all we have to do

is decide where to
have the auction.

Gee, it's too late in the year
to have it outside.

Why don't we try the library?

Plenty of room. There's
no books there.

I checked,

but Mrs. Turelle said
the auctioneer

would have to whisper.

Uh, ex-- excuse me, guys. I
don't mean to interrupt, but,

uh, the reason I couldn't
get behind this--

this auction thing was...

I had a feeling you were gonna
run into big problems.

I, uh-- I have a new idea that,

uh, doesn't have any
locations snag.

What is it, d*ck?

Picture this.

We have a booth in town

where people buy books for the
library directly.

Maybe a donor's card on the
cover with the donor's name.

I call it Foster Books.

Boy, talk about b*ating
a dead horse.

Okay, but, uh, good luck
finding a place

where the town can
have an auction.

Hey, what about the town hall?

That, uh-- that could work.

Thanks for your help, honey.

I think the town hall is
the perfect place.

I think so.

There's plenty of room for
everything, plenty of room for--

d*ck, do you believe
this turn out?

It's everything we hoped for.

And-- and more.

Oh, hi, Joanna. Can you
believe all this?

It just goes to show
you how this town

gets behind a really great idea.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, hi, d*ck.

Joanna, the auctioneer is really
anxious to meet the lady

who put this all together.

Oh! Honey, I'll be right back.

Gee, d*ck, it-- it took
a lot of guts

for you to show up at
Joanna's auction.

Did she make you come?

JJ, I don't expect you to
understand this,

but I'm hoping it'll be just as
big a success as everyone else.

Sure, d*ck. I'd like to run that
smile through a polygraph.

Honey, this is James Reeves,

he's the auctioneer from
the Boston guild.

This is my husband, d*ck.

So everybody tells me you're
an auction hater.

Well, who-- who are you gonna
believe? Me or-- or everybody?

[ Chuckles ] Okay, people.

Let's start the auction
and the bidding.

Our first item is contributed by
Miss Stephanie Vanderkellen.

A strand of gold
appraised as priceless.

It's hair.

Why not?

Five dollars.

I have five dollars.

Five-dollar bid--

Michael, bid now!

But, cupcake, I already have
enough of your locks at home

to weave a car cover.

Michael, do you want my hair on
another man's pillow?

Ten dollars.

Fifteen.

Twenty.

Twenty-five dollars.

To you, sir.

Fifty dollars.

I have dollars. Will
anyone make it ?

Sold to the gentleman
for dollars.

Wow, d*ck, dollars!

Must-- must be a new
hair record.

Steph, you didn't donate
anything else, did you?

Michael, even my generosity
has its limits.

Our next item is a clock radio,

donated by Chester and
Dora Wannamaker.

Why don't we start the bidding
at dollars? Do I hear ?

Hey, Chester,

isn't that the one you always
said was shorting out on ya?

Okay, do I hear ?
-dollar bid.

-dollar bid, dollar bid,
dollar bid down.

I'll give you cents for it.

What are you gonna do with
a busted radio?

When you're unemployed
with nothing to do,

smashing things kinda
fills the time.

Sold. For cents.

Our next item, donated
by Dewey Lahey,

is an "All Shook Up"
salt-and-pepper set,

commemorating the death
of Elvis Presley.

Well, let's, uh, start the
bidding at, uh, dollars.

Say, Dewey, did you ever get the
nose back on the pepper one?

If it's breakable, I'll give
you cents for it.

Sold, again, for cents.

d*ck, tell me it's
gonna get better.

Honey, you've just had two bad
items in a row, that's all.

Our next item is donated by
Larry, Darryl and Darryl.

A critter du jour dinner for
three at the Minuteman Café.

I dare anyone to find
anything wrong with that.

I don't know the Minuteman Café,

but I'm sure it's one of the
finer restaurants in Vermont.

Why don't we open the bidding at
dollars? Do I hear ?

Twenty-dollar bid down.

-dollar bid, -dollar bid,

-dollar bid,
dollar bid down.

Ten. Who will give me ?
Who will give me ?

I'll take the first
one-dollar bid.

One-dollar bid, one-dollar bid,
one-dollar bid down.

Come on, Darryl.

Let's get on home so we can take
this insult lyin' down.

Aw, feelings are being hurt. I
wanna be nice. Michael, bid.

One dollar.

Sold! Finally.

You and Miss Stephanie are
in for a treat.

Darryl, you best be checkin'
the interstate,

find out just what that
critter of the day is.

Why don't we just skip ahead to
the big, undamaged items?

Donated by NOAC Antiques, we
have a collection of toys,

dated between and and
highlighted by this snow sled.

Appraised at , dollars.

Thank God for those.

I'll open the bidding at
, dollars.

Do I hear , ? One thousand,
, , , ...

My sled! Oh! And Harry the
Horse! And my skates! [ Laughs ]

Drop that toy or you're a
dead man, dead man.

Hey, these toys are mine.

My father made them for me when
I was a little boy.

Wow, some antiques. That sled
must be all of years old.

Wait, everybody wait, please!
Please come back.

It's all right, they're real
antiques. He's reincarnated.

I'll give you cents for it.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Loudon, but I
could lose my license

for presiding over a
sham auction.

God only knows if the Elvis
shakers were legit.

Oh, everyone! Everyone, wait!
Please come back!

What for? We don't even
have an auctioneer.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
What do we do?

The, uh-- the next
item up for bid--

d*ck, the auction's over.

The auction isn't over until
the fat lady is sold.

Our-- our next item is this--

is this cookie jar,
and-- and we'll--

and we'll start the, uh, the
bidding at-- at one dollar.

Do-- do I-- do I-- do I
hear one dollar?

Could you speed it up, d*ck?
We're dozing off here.

[ Clears throat ] One-- one
dollar, one dolly--

one dolly-ollar bid.

One d-- one-- one dolly--
one dolly-ollar,

one dolly-ollar bid.

Do I-- do I hear two?

Two do-- two-- two
dollar-- two dolly--

two dolly-ollar bid.

Well, you know, we had Mrs.
Peterson

sold on this waffle iron

when she made a sharp turn, and
I rolled off the hood.

Okay, d*ck. Let's hear it.

Aren't you gonna say,
"I told you so"?

May-- maybe not.

It was a total disaster.

It wasn't a total disaster. Ha--
Harley had the fever.

I-- I had to lend him cents.

What good can dollars
do for a library?

[ Sighs ] If only Stephanie had
donated more hair.

Would it help if I bid
dollars on the waffle iron?

[ Chuckles ] Oh, honey.
You were so sweet.

Probably the world's worst
auctioneer, but darn sweet.

Especially since a part of you
wanted this auction to fail.

That's-- that's not true.

Well, may-- you know,
maybe a tiny part.

But I-- I didn't want it to be
a complete failure.

I just didn't want it to be, you
know, a rousing success.

Well, I wish we
could have raised

a few thousand for the library.

We just let the town down, d*ck.

There they are.

It's okay, honey. I don't
smell any tar.

Listen, everyone,

I want to apologize for
letting you all down.

What do you mean, apologize?

Didn't you hear? We
raised dollars.

Yeah, a new
town-fundraising record.

That's the record?

It's the first time we cracked

that elusive three--
figure barrier.

With the library discount,

we should be able to add
about new books.

And based on this
rousing success,

you're no longer a newcomer.

Joanna, you're a full-fledged
member of the town.

Well, thank you.
What about d*ck?

Any more ideas, d*ck?

No.

Welcome to our town.

Oh!

Meow.