05x11 - Everybody Ought to Have a Maid

[bunniefuu]

Stephanie, what are you doing?

Well, since gloomy Old Man
Winter is out there,

Michael decided to cheer me up
with an indoor picnic.

I'm making the flowers,

and Michael's making the
forest creatures.

Well, I-- I'd love to
join you two,

but I have this damn
reality to deal with.

Stephanie, it's
almost o'clock.

Have you dusted the
bookcase yet?

Joanna, I was going to,

but as you can see,

those top shelves are awfully
high for a true petite.

And I couldn't find the
ladder anywhere.

I checked every window
in the house,

but I just couldn't find that
draft, Stephanie.

Oh. Oh, look.

"Recommended for use by
true petites."

Stephanie, I want this
bookcase dusted

by the time we get back
from shopping.

George.

Now, we'll be back in an hour.

That gives you minutes
to put it off.

I don't know why I
have to do this.

Anyone stupid enough to look up
there in the first place

deserves a face full of dust.

Oh!

Oh!

Now, don't worry, young lady. A
broken toe isn't serious.

Of course, uh, you may have to
stay off your feet for a while.

Ooh.

You know, uh, you're very lucky

that it was only the second
rung of that ladder.

How long will it take to heal?

Oh, about two weeks or so.

Doctor, that "stay off
my feet thing,"

could you put that in writing?

[ Chuckles ] Well, she certainly
has a sense of humor.

Not-- not really.

Now I just wanna say that I
don't blame anyone for this,

especially the obvious choice,
Joanna.

Stephanie, I was just trying to
get you to do your work.

Well, I hope you think twice
before you try that again.

It was my ladder. Why couldn't
it have been my toe?

Oh. Doctor, is there anything we
should do for Stephanie?

No, just keep the
pressure off her foot.

Now, young lady,

you don't be afraid to let other
people do things for you.

Yeah, you're--

you're really gonna have to
drill that into her.

[ Sobs ]

Oh, muffin.

Michael, it's only a broken toe.

Michael, it was awful.

Joanna forced me to climb this
rickety old ladder.

And when I finally got to--

Oh, it must have been
the fifth rung,

it broke, and I crashed
to the floor.

Dear God. Why?

Excuse me, lambchop, I--

I just have to talk to
the doctor. d*ck?

Okay, doc, give me
the real poop.

I can take it. Will
there be any scars?

[ Laughs ] Of course,

her nail may grow in a little
crooked for a few weeks.

Oh, my God.

d*ck, I expect
whoever's responsible

for this heinous crime

be swiftly brought to account.

You're-- you're right, Michael.

I'll have the ladder taken
out and destroyed.

I'll do it, d*ck.

No, you won't, George. Now, no
one or thing is to blame.

That's right, George.

An accident can happen to
anyone at any time.

Gee, d*ck, that's kind of
a scary thought.

You-- you mean this-- this never
occurred to you before, George?

No. Wow. We're all a thread
away from oblivion.

Honey, what are we gonna do

for the next few weeks
without a maid?

We've got lots of reservations.

Well, simple, we'll just hire
a-- a temporary maid.

Do you think we can find anybody
on such short notice

who can do Stephanie's work?

I don't believe I said that.

Oh, Michael, this is so much fun

and just like a real picnic.

You know Stephanie, even in
illness you look as

perfectly as you always do.

I know.

Well, I better get back to work.

Oh, don't worry about that, the
new maid will clean it up.

Wow, life is a picnic.

Hi!

I'm Larry, this is my
brother Darryl

and this my other
brother Darryl.

Well, I could stay a bit longer.

That's okay, Michael.

Miss Stephanie, we hear you've
been off your feed,

due to a defunct digit.

Well, Darryl here is quite
medically adept

and he's always held a special
fascination for feet.

Thanks, Larry,

but I think I'll just stick with
the doctor I have.

It never hurts to get a
second opinion.

I woulda lost my arm once,

but the second doctor just
took the splinter out.

Well, I'll just take my chances,
Larry.

Okay, but we did bring you
a miracle salve

that you yourself can apply to
the affected appendage.

Now, despite its tempting aroma,

this is not to be
taken internally.

Could it possibly be taken
out of my sight?

Okay. Have it your way.

I ain't never seen anyone turn
down free Bengay before.

Come on, Darryl. Bossy ain't
picky about what we rub on her.

How are you feeling Stephanie?

Just the same as I was when you
checked muinutes ago.

Stephanie you never know when an
accident might happen.

I brought you these.

Thanks.

I think I like to take a
nap now George.

Okay, but rest safely.

Your pillow can become
your death mask.

Excuse me, mum? Mind if I tidy
up a bit in here?

Not at all, Sylvia. I like to
watch other people work.

Oh, mum. Not me. I prefer
to do it myself.

Ew. No wonder we b*at your
country in a w*r.

Don't forget to clean that up.

Oh, you made this mess?

Oh, I thought it might be one of
these little forest creatures.

Before you do that, you might
puff up these pillows.

Oh, righto. Oh, yeah, that's
exactly what they need.

Mum said no one could puff
pillows like me.

I thought I was mum.

No, I'm talking about me mum,
mum.

No, she's back home in London.

You know, she's gonna be, what,
this month.

Aw. A little fluffier, please.

All right. Here.

Listen, if you don't
mind my inquiring,

how did you get that toe?

Oh, I'm sorry. You must be fed
up telling people...

I was climbing this
enormous ladder,

and I was all the way up
to the th rung

when suddenly it broke, and I
plummeted to earth.

Oh, gee.

Oh, hello, Sylvia.

Oh, hello, madam, sir.

Poor brave girl was just telling
me about her frightful accident.

What-- what rung is
she up to now?

So, Stephanie, how
are you feeling?

We've-- we've seen the
doctor's note.

It's going to take me a lot
longer than I thought

to recuperate.

It's perfectly all right.
There's no rush.

There isn't?

No, no. No rush at all.

Sylvia, I know you've been
working very hard,

but if you get the time later,

could you clean the
dining room floor?

Oh, it's already done, mum.
And waxed.

And the kitchen floor, too.

She's good.

I didn't do the lobby because
I ran out of wax.

We're, uh--

we're used to a bottle lasting
six, eight months.

Well, it's all right, though.

I swept, mopped and
double-buffed.

She's good.

Well, I'd like to chat longer,

but I've got windows to wash,

grout to clean and
bowls to scrub.

She's good.

You know, I-- I'm feeling
a little better.

Maybe it won't take me as long
as I thought to recuperate.

Stephanie, take as long as you
need. We're in good hands.

And don't-- don't
lose that note.

And now, let's see.

That's two breakfast specials,
and you're just gonna have--

I'll be right--

Excuse me, same as yesterday?
Right you are.

She's good.

I know, I know.

What a shame we'll have to
let her go when--

when Stephanie recovers.

We-- We will have to let her go,
right?

Of course.

You know, Stephanie will
get better and--

and we'll-- we'll have to--
have to let Sylvia go.

Right?

Right.

I-- I mean, otherwise, we'd
have-- we'd have two maids.

You know, one-- one maid...
terrific and-- and--

and one-- one maid Stephanie.

d*ck, you're not thinking of
replacing Stephanie?

Oh, no, it never-- never--
never crossed my mind.

Besides, you know,
after a while,

Sylvia will probably start to
slow down a little bit.

[ Hums ]

And then she'll only be
times better than Stephanie.

Morning, d*ck, Joanna.

Well, it's a big
agenda for today.

First, I've gotta make sure
all those stairs

are completely secure.

Next, I've gotta put
non-skid rubber mats

in every bathtub, and I've got--

d*ck, it's really better to
take smaller bites.

George, I-- I think I
know how to eat.

I've been doing it all my life.

And we want that to continue,
don't we, d*ck?

They say you should chew
each bite times

before you swallow.

George, this is oatmeal.

I know, but who's to say
there isn't a lump

with your name on it?

George, I like living
on the edge.

George, don't you think
you're overreacting

to Stephanie's accident
just a little bit?

I just wish someone had been
overreacting to that ladder.

d*ck, that coffee could
be scalding hot

you should blow on it.

George, I'm an adult I know
how to drink coffee.

[ Sighs ]

Good coffee.

Stephanie, you made it to
breakfast this morning.

Not yet, she hasn't.

Want me to carry you, Stephanie?

Thanks, George,

but I have to get used to
living with my handicap.

I think we have a movie of the
week in the making.

Here, sit in my chair. It
seems pretty safe.

It's nice to see you downstairs,
Stephanie.

Sure. I bet you
really missed me.

We did. Right, d*ck?

Right. Right.

I mean, believe me,
things haven't--

haven't been the same
without you.

You look a lot happier than you
do when I'm serving breakfast.

That's ridiculous.
We're not happier.

Are we, d*ck?

[ Laughing ] No.

So where is Miss Perfect,
anyway?

Look, Stephanie, Sylvia makes
mistakes just like anybody else.

Name one mistake she made.

Well, she, um-- she kind of
dropped a plate of eggs, before.

Oh. She made a big mess.

Well, actually, she caught
the plate just--

just before it hit the floor.

Well, now, is everything all
right, everybody?

[ Applause ]

Hey, Steph. Is, uh--

is that little toe still black
and blue and cute all over?

Michael, I'm going to be
replaced by a foreign person.

Steph, if you could take
a second injury,

I'd say "Bite your tongue."

No one could replace you.

Michael, the woman's a dynamo.

In one day she dusted all the
rooms, cleaned the floors,

and washed the windows.

And I had d*ck and
Joanna convinced

it takes a month to do all that.

Well, Steph, relax. I, uh--

I think I know d*ck and
Joanna pretty well.

And they'll never
dump my dumpling.

Michael, today in the
dining room,

the guests applauded Sylvia.

You're history, Steph.

Oh, Michael.

Think of it. My cupcake being
replaced by a crumpet.

Here, dearie. I thought you
might like a nice cup of tea.

Oh, and I finished your shirts,
sir.

Michael!

But, Steph, my colors never
looked so vibrant.

Now, look, miss, you
drink your tea.

At home, I really used to look
forward to tea time.

At home? That's way over in
England, right?

London.

Oh, London's wonderful. Don't
you miss the Queen?

Well, when I was there,

we didn't get to see a
lot of each other.

But what about Buckingham
Palace, Big Ben, the pubs?

¶ A foggy day in London Town had
me low, had me down ¶

Shopping at Harrod's while
the stupid tourists

are at Westminster Abbey
looking at dead people.

¶The British Museum had
lost its charm ¶

Well, actually, I don't miss
London all that much.

Not even your mom?

Oh, me mum, mum?

Oh, yeah, well, it would be nice

to see that bright
chipper smile again.

¶ "M" is for the many
things she gave me ¶

Do you know, I haven't seen
her in six years.

She keeps writing, you know,
wishing I'd visit.

¶ O is for the other times
she tried ¶

Oh, Michael. Stop, stop, stop!
I can't do it.

Look, Sylvia, stay here and work
and save your money

and bring your dear mother over
and show her the States.

That is a wonderful idea,
Stephanie.

Oh, thank you. Now you
finish your tea.

Ta-ta.

Steph, what gives? We had her.

The British were going! The
British were going!

I just couldn't do it, Michael.

She doesn't play fair.
She's nice.

Well, Steph, she may have you
in that department,

but you're got in, uh--

No, she's got you in that
department, too.

Michael, do you think I
could be a good maid?

You mean one that
actually does work?

Yes. I mean, if I really,
really, really tried?

Do you want me to say yes,
Steph?

Oh, yes!

I'll show them. I'll clean
and I'll scrub.

And I'll make this place shine
like never before.

That's my little Hazel.

Out of my way, Michael.

Oh, my God. I'm fighting to
keep a job I hate.

[ Hums ]

She's good.

What?

I said I'm feeling much better,

and I'm going to make this room
sparkle like never before.

Wh-- what?

Well, Stephanie,
that's nice of you,

but I don't think this or any
room needs to be cleaned.

That's because you
don't have the eye

of a professional like me.

Trust me, Joanna, there's
work to be done here.

Well, go ahead.

The woman's sick.

Ah.

[ Paper crumples ]

I don't need your charity.

Okay, okay, okay!

Why don't you just come right
out and tell me I'm fired?

Look, I'll admit it. She's
better than me.

She's better than Mary Poppins.

Stephanie, calm down.

Stephanie, we-- we're
not f*ring you.

We hired Sylvia as a
temporary replacement,

and when you're ready to return
to work, then Sylvia

and most of this
shine will leave.

Really?

Really.

Oh. Well, if I'm not as good as
her, why are you keeping me?

Uh, honey?

We're keeping you because you're
our regular housekeeper.

Oh. Well, I don't want you to
keep me out of pity. Are you?

Uh, honey?

Stephanie, we would never
keep you out of pity.

This is a family inn, and you
are part of our family.

You mean I'm sort of
like a daughter?

Sort-- sort-- sort of.

And so you love me?

You're-- you're sort of
like a daughter.

Oh, d*ck. Joanna.

That's one of the nicest things
anybody ever said to me.

You've made me very happy.

What just happened here?

I-- I think we just got rid
of a great maid

and adopted Stephanie.

d*ck, you should hold on
to the railing.

George, once and for all,

you can't spend your
entire life worrying

about an accident that
might happen.

You're-- you're making my life
longer, but I'm hating it.

All right, d*ck. I'll
do it for you.

From now on,

I'm just going to live my life

and hope everything
will be fine.

[ Whistles ]

What was that?

The an-- the antlers fell and
almost k*lled me.

You nut! [ Laughs ]

Well, I'm on my way, folks. Ooh,
could I rehang that for you?

No. I'd better get used to
my old way of life.

Oh, it is good to see you
all well again, mum.

I wanna thank you for being so
nice to me, Sylvia.

Oh, it's my pleasure, mum.

Would you like me to show you a
trick to get that shinier?

No.

Well, uh, we're sorry
to see you go,

but I'm sure you'll find
other work soon,

you being perfect and all.

Thank you, sir. Well, good-bye.

Good-bye, Sylvia, and thanks
again for everything.

All right.

d*ck, she was good.

Bye!

Bye.

Bye.

Has the taxi pulled away?

Yes.

You know, we still have
her phone number.

Meow.