05x14 - First of the Belles

[bunniefuu]

Well,

I got rid of that squeak, d*ck.

Yeah. Thanks, George.

Don't thank me. Thank this oil.

I'd... I'd rather just-- just
thank you, George.

Is there anything else you
want me to do, d*ck?

No, I-- I think that's it.

Great.

For the first time since
I can remember,

I have absolutely nothing to do.

I haven't done my job so well,

I've made myself obsolete,
have I, d*ck?

Come on, George. You...

you know this inn.

Something's breaking
all the time.

You sure that's not just
wishful thinking?

Yeah.

Well...

I hope something
breaks pretty soon.

We all do, George.

Whoa!

Di-- Diane.

You recognized me.

I-- I-- I recognized you.

What-- what-- what are
you doing here?

Kissing you on the lips, d*ck.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, uh, uh, sorry.

Uh, Diane, this is George Utley.
George, this is...

Diane Beckwith.

You're not gonna say hi to me,
like you did to d*ck, are ya?

Uh, no.

Oh.

d*ck and I are old friends.

But actually my name is
Diane Gordon.

Some old friend, d*ck. You don't
even know her name.

Oh, well, George, d*ck
couldn't have known.

You see, I just switched back
to my maiden name

after getting my divorce
three months ago.

Uh-oh.

Well, I figured after getting
away from Arnold,

I may as well get away from
everything for a while,

do a little skiing.

Where better than in Vermont

while staying at d*ck
Loudon's inn?

I think Joanna could
suggest a few places.

So, do you have a room?

Uh, uh, I-- Yeah.

He has a wife, too.

George.

I look forward to meeting her.

And spending some time with you.

Ah. Same here, although, uh,

I get to be with me
most of the time.

[ Laughs ]

Well, I'm going to unpack
and hit the slopes.

Hopefully, not with my behind.

Uh, uh, George will help
you with your bags.

Oh. Thank you, George.

d*ck, I don't think you should
let her stay here.

George, it's nothing
to worry about.

Come on, d*ck.

She kissed you, and then she
mentioned her behind.

George,

she's somebody I used to go
with in college.

It's-- it's-- it's nothing.

I'm sure Joanna will think it's
nothing, too, d*ck.

Joanna, should we really be
going through all this?

I heard it was better to
eat natural foods.

Stephanie, vegetables are
natural foods.

Well...

then, we should serve them in
their natural size,

instead of going
through all this.

[ Sniffs ]

Okay, Stephanie,

you don't have to chop
any more onions.

I'm not chopping onions.

I just don't like being here.

Oh, hi, honey.

Hi.

This sounds pretty intimate. I
should probably leave.

Stephanie!

Um, a-- a guest-- a guest
just checked in.

Oh, that's good.

[ Clears throat ] She's a...

she's a-- she's a woman.

Well, they're one of the
two best kinds.

[ Chuckles ]

Ac-- actually, she's a--
she's a woman I-- I--

I used to know in college.

Uh, Stephanie, maybe, uh--
maybe, you better leave.

Are you kidding?

An-- anyway, I-- I used to--
I used to date her

in college and, uh,

and now she's-- now she's here.

Did-- did you hear that, uh,
George has run out

of things to do?

d*ck has an old flame!

She's not old.

And-- and she-- and
she's not a flame.

Uh, she was more like
an-- an ember.

d*ck, you are so cute.

Honey, it's silly of you to
be uncomfortable

just because a former
girlfriend is staying here.

It-- it is?

Uh, good. Well, you know,
I-- I thought so.

I-- I just wanted to
make sure that...

that you thought so, too.

-You wanna know what I think?
-No.

When do I get to meet her?

Uh, excuse me.

Oh, I-- I guess-- I guess now is
as good a time as any.

Um, Diane, this is my wife
Joanna. Joanna, this is...

Diane Gordon.

Oh, you're the Diane

d*ck dated his senior
year of college.

He's told me all about you.
Nice to meet you.

You, too.

So, you're the woman who
married Scooter.

Scooter?

DIANE: Uh, oh, yes.

That-- that was my nickname
for d*ck in college.

He used to ride around campus
on a red scooter.

A scooter?

A motor scooter.

He never told you that?

Would you?

Uh, Diane, this is, uh,
Stephanie Vanderkellen.

I'm sorry we couldn't meet under
different circumstances.

What do you mean?

Well, look at us. We're
in a kitchen.

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

Well, I-- I'm sorry to just
barge in here like this,

but I thought maybe I
could get a snack

before going skiing.

Well, we have vegetables.

Are those cupcakes?

Oh, yeah. Would you like one?

Oh, uh, maybe a half.

Oh, what the hell.

Give me the whole thing.

Who needs to exhale?

[ Laughs ]

And how would you like to join
us for dinner tonight?

Say about o'clock?

I'd love to hear more
about Scooter.

Oh, I'd enjoy hearing more
about the innkeeper.

Oh, good, then, it's set.
Tonight, dinner...

and d*ck Loudon: Then and Now.

I'm glad I have a date.

Boy, you really dressed up.

What-- what do you mean?

I mean look at you.

[ Chuckles ]

Honey, it isn't like I haven't
worn this suit before.

Yes, it is. You've never worn
that suit before.

Oh, yeah.

Well, yeah, but the tie has
been around the block.

Gee, look at you two.

That a new suit, d*ck?

Yes. Yes, George.

So does anything in here
need repairing?

I don't think so, George.

Darn. The dining room
was my last hope.

Why can't a real clumsy
guy check in?

George, you know, I think...

I think-- I think this lamp
might be broken.

Really? Oh, boy!

Don't toy with me, d*ck.

George, you should just be
proud of the work

you've done here

and enjoy your time off.

Boy, where's a squeak
when you need one?

I'm going to check on dinner.

Okay.

d*ck, do you realize this
is the first time

you will have dated both
of us together?

I just hope I'm the one you
end up with tonight.

We'll see how you do.

Oh, made in England. Nice job,
too.

New suit?

Uh, yeah.

You look nice.

I know.

No, I-- I mean, I-- I just--

I just looked at myself
in the plate.

You-- you look nice, too.

-Oh. -See?

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

Oh, there you are.
How was skiing?

Oh, it was fun.

Good.

Okay, enough small talk.

I wanna hear all about Scooter.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughing ]

-No! -Yes.

[ Laughing ]

Uh, but enough about this...
this crazy Scooter guy.

[ Chuckles ]

Let's, uh-- let's talk about
my television show.

It's on every weekend.

Oh, weekends.

I always used to go see d*ck at
the basketball games

on weekends.

d*ck, you never told me you
played college basketball.

Well...

He was the scorekeeper.

Honey, a-- a guy can sh**t
a winning basket

in triple overtime and--

and -- and until I put the
points on the board,

the game is not over.

But, you know, let's talk
about the present.

I didn't peak with scorekeeping.

You know, my life is, uh, pretty
darn neat right now.

How did you two meet?

Uh, in school. Surprise,
surprise.

[ Chuckling ]

How did you and d*ck meet?

We were both working at the
same ad agency.

He used to steal all these
paperclips off my desk,

then return them bent up in all
these different shapes

and insist they were
pieces of modern art.

[ Chuckles ]

And-- and do you realize if
you'd kept any of them

we could have retired by now?

Oh, and then he used to try out

some of his ad campaigns on me

before he'd present
them in a meeting.

What was the worst one?

What-- what kind of
question is that?

Oh, come on.

Worsts are always more
fun than bests.

Oh, well, now, the worst
one I remember was

d*ck's campaign

to get people to use
more Brylcreem.

His slogan was

"Brylcreem: A Big
Glob Will Do Ya."

[ Laughing ]

You gotta love a guy with a
mind like that.

[ Continues laughing ]

Is that what first
attracted you to d*ck?

Yeah, I guess so. What
attracted you?

Well, uh, I think his caring,

-JOANNA: Yeah. -DIANE:
his kindness...

his legs.

You're kidding.

If you don't mind,
I'd-- I'd like to

step into another dimension.

Oh, honey, come on. We're
just having fun.

I-- I know I am.

[ Laughing ]

What else can we
compare about him?

Well, let's see.

Oh, I know. How did he
propose to you?

Here's-- here's something
interesting...

About Diane. Uh...

Did you know that she-- she
makes her own quilts?

Honey, that was a-- that was a
real good dinner.

The-- the-- the food part,
I mean.

See, you, uh-- you were wrong.

When I married you
and when else?

When-- when you said that, uh,
I was silly to

be uncomfortable that--
that she was here.

That's because I didn't know
that you'd proposed to her.

What else don't I know
about you, d*ck?

If, in fact, that is your name.

Joanna...

Why didn't you ever tell
me about this?

I did tell you.

You never.

Well, you might have
been asleep.

I-- I mean, this-- this isn't
the kind of thing that a...

that a-- a wife likes to hear.

At-- at least, judging by
the reaction so far.

If she'd said "yes"
when you proposed,

would you have married her?

That-- that's only polite.

[ Gasps ]

I can't believe you wanted
to spend your life

with somebody else.

How am I supposed to deal
with this, d*ck?

In a-- in a calm,
rational manner?

[ Gasps ]

Is this her ring?

Of-- of course not.

I bought her a one-carat ring.

That's bigger than mine!

-Honey, I'd been b*rned once.
-Oh!

Honey, the-- the-- the
reason I didn't...

tell you a-- about this
before is because...

proposing to Diane was-- was
probably the most...

humiliating experience
of-- of my life.

Sort of like tonight's
dinner was for me?

A-- anyway,

I-- I brought her to
the auditorium

late one night and...

I got up on stage, and I got
down on-- on one knee and--

and I proposed...

and-- and she laughed.

And-- and-- and what a laugh.

I mean, the-- the--

the acoustics were really
good in there.

You gave all that thought to
proposing to her?

You just turned to me on
a bus and said,

"What say we get married?"

Hon-- honey, you're-- you're
missing the point.

I don't think I know you.

Well, in-- in that case,
how do--

how do you feel about
sleeping with strangers?

[ Laughs ]

Hon-- honey, this--
this-- this is silly.

I mean, when I-- when I
proposed to Diane,

I-- I didn't even know you.

Besides, I-- I don't think

she was really ever that
interested in me.

Well, maybe she's
interested now.

Oh, honey, come on.

She shows up out of nowhere on
the heels of her divorce

at the inn of a man
who bought her

a gargantuan ring.

You figure it out.

Honey, she's-- she's--
she's not after me.

I mean, aft-- after all, I'm a--
I'm-- I'm a married man.

Right?

Morning, everyone.

Let, uh-- let me guess.
You told them.

How could you, d*ck?

George, I-- I didn't
know Joanna then.

You probably had
another handyman

in your past, too, huh?

I hope you want breakfast
because I'm not getting you any.

Jo-- Joanna, what do you
want me to do?

I can't go back in time and
not propose to her.

Have you tried?

I-- I know.

What-- what if I promise

never to propose to
another woman again?

You're all overreacting.

It was a long time ago!

Hi, sheik. So where's the harem?

[ Giggles ]

Michael...

So I guess you'll be
packing for Utah, huh?

[ Giggles ]

Leave it alone, Michael.

d*ck, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck. Heat
up that cold stare.

This guy's impressed.

You've got one
knockout-looking wife

and another one waiting
in the wings.

She isn't waiting in any wings.

Oh, sure, d*ck.

She just stumbled onto your
inn by accident?

Quite a coinky-dinky,
don't you think?

Michael, I-- I don't
generally think

in terms of "coinky-dinkies".

She came here to ski.

d*ck, get with it.

Do you need the writing on the
wall to be in neon?

[ Chuckles ]

She's recently divorced,
isn't she?

It's obvious she came up here
hoping you'd be like Kareem

and grab that rebound.

Michael, when I asked her to
marry me back in college,

she laughed in my-- She said no.

Well, you were probably just
some runty kid back then.

But-- but look at you now,
you're a successful author,

an innkeeper, a popular TV host,

thanks to yours truly.

Except for the fact that
you're married,

you're the most eligible
older guy in town.

Now that she sees what
she's missed,

she's gotta want you.

I guess maybe she did make a
pretty big mistake.

That's using the old ego, d*ck.

And if you need any more help
with Wife Number One

or Bachelorette Number Two,

you know who to turn to.

I mean, if there's one
thing I know,

it's how to handle women.

-STEPHANIE: Michael!
-Right there, Steph!

Uh, d*ck, I've been thinking.

Since it was so long ago that
you proposed to Diane

and since you didn't have me to
turn to for advice

back then, well,

I've decided to forgive you.

Thanks, George.

You-- you were the one I was
most worried about.

Oh, that-- oh, that's nice,
George.

You're reading one of my books.

Yeah. I thought Shelf Help
deserved a second read.

Besides, since I can't be a
handyman anymore,

I figured reading about it
might help me relive

my glory days.

Look at this.

"Put Peg A into Groove B."

Boy, does that bring back a
lot of memories.

George, your career isn't over.

d*ck, I didn't even put on my
hammer this morning.

George, you-- you're
our handyman.

That-- that's your job for-- for
as long as you want it,

whether anything ever
breaks again or not.

Really, d*ck?

Yes, George, just
treat it like a--

a mini-paid vacation.
Go-- go crazy.

Well, I haven't been ice
fishing in a while.

Well, go to it, you nut.

Thanks, d*ck.

If there's ever a
handyman's hall of fame,

I'm gonna see to it
that you're in it.

Excuse me, but, uh, our
radiator isn't working.

Oh, that's great.

Our-- our-- our
handyman'll be right up.

Did-- did you hear that, George?

Yeah, I guess I'm gonna go
put on my hammer.

George-- George, I-- I thought
you wanted something to fix.

Well, that was before you
got me all hepped up

to go ice fishing.

Thanks a lot, d*ck.

Oh, there you are.

Just the man I've
been looking for.

I-- I know. Um...

D-- Diane, can we-- can we
talk for a minute?

Sure.

What are we going to talk about?

Um... us.

Oh.

Um, n-- not-- not us. I mean,
y-- you-- you and me.

Isn't that us?

Diane... I'm married.

I know. I had dinner with you
and your wife last night.

No. No, I mean-- I mean,
really married.

I-- I love Joanna,

and-- and even though
you're free,

I-- I-- I'm not.

And-- and I'm not going to be...
anytime again.

Now, I-- I know it's-- it's
hard to accept,

you know,

my life turning out as well
as it did, but...

[ Sighs ]

I mean, you-- you had-- you
had your chance.

You-- you think I'm after you?

Hey, I don't need the
writing on the wall

to be in neon.

d*ck, I-- I-- I'm not. Really.

Come on.

Ar-- are you saying that
you wouldn't be

at all interested now if I said,

"Diane, will you marry me?"

[ Laughs ]

Well, at least the
acoustics aren't as good.

d*ck, I-- I-- I, um...

I-- I don't think we were ever
meant to be a couple.

I-- I think we were meant to be
a couple of friends.

Oh, you know, that's-- that's
the way I've always felt.

[ Chuckles ]

Why...

why-- were you looking for
me if it wasn't...

because you were after me?

I wanted to check out.

That...

that would be my second guess.

Oh, I'm sorry.

[ Chuckles ]

Hi. Hi, honey.

Uh, she-- she-- she dropped--
she dropped this.

Her... her key. Here.

See?

Uh, Joanna. Joanna, please,
wait.

I-- I understand
there's been some...

tension because of
my being here,

but really it's all so silly.

Believe me, I'm not at all
interested in your husband.

Uh, really, d*ck is not my type.

He never has been, he
never will be.

Maybe you can imagine the
two of us together,

but trust me, I can't.

I mean, there was hardly that
much between us back in...

All-- all right!

She's-- she's convinced.

Well, thanks for
telling me that.

Yeah. Yeah, thanks.
Thanks a lot.

d*ck, I-- I'm sorry. I--

Well, it has been nice
seeing you again.

Yeah. Yeah, we-- we
had some laughs.

Well, I have some packing to do.

d*ck, I'm sure she
exaggerated some of that

just to make me feel better.

Yeah. Yeah. Me-- me, too.

I mean, what woman could really
resist d*ck Loudon?

More than-- more than I
care to remember.

Oh, and, um,

thank you for saying yes
when-- when I proposed

with-- without even a snicker.

[ Chuckles ]

My pleasure.

d*ck, you know, I just think the
thing that upset me the most

about all this,

besides you not telling
me before, was

wondering, you know,

if you'd had the
choice between us,

would you have picked me?

Honey, be-- between you
and anybody I--

I would have picked you.

Oh.

Oh!

Now, how 'bout I take my first
choice out to lunch?

Okay.

I just hope there are no more
deep dark secrets

that I don't know about you.

Honey, don't worry.

[ Laughs ]

Daddy!

Meow.