05x18 - Jail, Jail, the g*ng's All Here

[bunniefuu]

Hi, Stephanie, Michael,
how was the movie?

This has been the worst
day of our lives.

Something horrible happened
outside the theater.

What?

Well...

we were all primed to see
American Ninja

when we noticed... a new
couple in town,

about our age...

And?

And they were cuter than we are.

Don't you realize
what this means?

We can't show our faces in town

'cause their faces are better.

Guys, I don't know if it
means anything,

but I think you're cute.

Thanks, George, but it
doesn't mean anything.

I'm glad I got it off
my chest anyway.

Come on, Steph, let's...

go upstairs and... try
to self-improve.

Oh, Michael, has it
come to this?

Hi.

I'm Larry. This is my
brother Darryl,

and this is my other
brother Darryl.

We was wondering,

do you think Darryl
here needs a trim?

Your hair looks okay to us.

Not there. Show 'em, Darryl.

Uh, guys.

If-- if you have to unbutton
your shirt to show me,

I'd-- I'd say it's fine.

That them?

Yep, they're the ones.

Guess I'm gonna have to
arrest you three.

Us?

Are you sure you got
the right trio?

Of-- officer, I know these men,
and I can safely say...

What-- What did they do?

Cattle heisting.

Farmer Bagley here
reported a missing cow.

I walked by their eatery, heard
mooing, investigated.

Found the missing milker in the
basement of their café.

Hoofprints checked out.

Our basement? Couldn't be.

We wouldn't pilfer a bovine.

Officer...

I really don't want to press
any charges, but...

ever since they moved
in next door,

they've been kind of a nuisance;

teasin' my chickens,

tauntin' my sheep,

and now stealin' one of my cows.
I...

I guess I have no choice but
to press charges.

Come on. Jail time.

Officer Shifflett, isn't
that a little harsh?

Not really.

First, they steal a cow,

next a herd.

Before you know it, we got a
white sl*very ring

right here in River City.

I knock with .

Oh, hi.

Thanks for visitin' us while
we're doin' hard time.

You-- uh, you called me.

That's right. We're allowed
one phone call.

An-- and I-- I was
the lucky one.

Well, actually, we called
Candy Bergen first,

but her line was busy.

Well, I'm-- I'm sorry you
guys are in here.

How-- how are they treating you?

Roughest day of our lives.

Re-- really?

The hardest thing about jail

is getting used to
the cleanliness.

How-- how can I help you guys?

Well, our trial's comin' up.

We want you to be our lawyer.

Uh, me?

Yeah. Well, you know us and you
know how our minds work.

I'm-- I'm not sure
that's a plus, guys.

You, uh... you need a
real attorney.

We don't trust real lawyers
ever since L.A. Law

exposed their seamy underside.

Fellas, I-- I-- I-- I can't.

Don't you believe
we're innocent?

I-- I believe you're innocent.

I'm just not trained to--
to be a lawyer.

Let's see.

You don't wanna be our lawyer,
but you believe we're innocent.

You interested in servin'
on the jury?

Okay, enough schmoozing.
Time's up.

Wait a minute.

Which one of ya's the free man?

Uh, I wanna bail 'em out.
How much is it?

Bail's set at dollars each.

Or dollars for the
three of 'em.

Hi, d*ck.

Steph, your major
muchacho esta aqui.

[ Chuckles ]

Stephanie's still
getting dressed.

Oh. Uh...

How does she, uh-- How
does she look?

She looks... good, Michael.

Good? That's it?

We haven't even left the house,
we're already on the ropes.

Well, how do I look?

Terrific, Steph.

Not too white?

No, no, it's, uh...

It's just eggshell enough.

Michael, is that the tie
you're wearing tonight?

No!

Steph, look at us.

[ Sighs ]

We were the Gibraltars of cute.

We can't let some trendy,
hotsy-totsy newcomers

destroy all we have.

You're right, Michael. We can
be cuter than them.

No, we are cuter than them.

All right, Steph.

[ Chuckles ]

Wow.

I just saw that new
couple in town.

Are they adorable!

Gee, I didn't mean
to upset them.

Maybe I'll go upstairs

and explain that beauty is
only skin-deep.

Yeah, that-- that should do it.

Good morning.

I'm inquiring about the
Minuteman Café next door.

It seems to be closed.

Well, actually, the
owners are...

...away right now.

Look, I'll be honest.

I heard the owners were
having some problems.

And now that they're in jail,
I...

thought they might be lookin'
to sell.

Oh, I don't think they'd
be interested.

Too bad.

You know, with some
refurbishing,

that could be a real
charming café.

Oh.

You're, uh...

You're thinking of making it
into a nice place?

Mm-hm.

d*ck!

They're-- they're-- they're
not interested.

Well... I'm Wendell Bellow.

I'm in real-estate investment.

If they change their minds,
here's my card.

d*ck, you're not really
thinking that...

Honey, a new neighbor
next door might be

a refreshing change.

I mean, we just met him, but...

he doesn't seem like the type
who would taunt sheep.

Hi.

I'm Larry, ex-con.

This is my ex-con
brother Darryl,

and this is my other ex-con
brother Darryl.

Well, we're glad you
guys are out.

Our trial is Thursday.

We're sorry you won't
take our case,

but I think we're gonna
be just fine.

Great. Who-- who'd you get?

Hi. I'm Larry for the defense.

You?

Yeah, already took a
shingle off the roof

and hung it up.

La-- Larry, have you ever heard
the expression that...

a person who represents
themself has--

has a fool for a client?

Darryl, make a note.

I'll work that into my
opening remarks.

Larry, you don't really
wanna do this.

Yes, I do. I've brushed
up on the law.

And I believe I can swing
everything for us

but conjugal visits.

We've come up with a very
clever defense.

Darryl and me will have
that jury in tears

when we get through with our
puppet re-enactment.

Larry, a-- a-- a
puppet show is--

isn't the soundest...
legal approach.

Oh, don't worry. That's
only our opening.

I plan on summing up
with my Al Pacino

"You're all outta order!"
speech.

Larry, if-- if you
represent yourselves,

I-- I guarantee you'll--
you'll wind up in jail.

Oh, well. Come on, Darryl.

Let's go practice bein'
ankle-chained together.

All-- all-- all right,
I'll represent you.

d*ck, d*ck... [ Chuckles ]

d*ck, you're not a lawyer.

Honey, which one of us is
more not a lawyer?

I hate to barge in again,

but guess who I'm
here to collar?

They just got out!

Found another of Bagley's cows
on their premises.

Second offense.

You guys know the routine.

Time for the bracelets.

I have mixed feelin's.

I mean, on the one hand,

this makes us two-time losers,

but on the other, it's
flattering to be asked back.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

take a long hard look
at-- at my clients.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

take a... quick peek
at my clients.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

good night and drive safely.

How's this suit for court,
honey?

It's kind of a law suit.

Good-- good one, George.

I tried to stop him, honey.

Look what I brought ya, d*ck.

Some note pads.

I, uh...

I already have some, George.

Yeah, but those aren't
legal pads, d*ck.

So how's the case going, honey?

It's going great.

I've been practicing my--
my-- my wheeling.

You know, that--
that's where you--

you suddenly turn to catch a
witness by surprise.

You, um...

you slowly,

casually,

walk toward the jury...

and then all of a sudden!

It's hard to believe this is
your first time.

d*ck, the wheeling's great, but
how's the actual case going?

It's going fine.

I-- I think Larry, Darryl and
Darryl were framed.

I think somebody...

planted those cows in
the basement.

Well, d*ck, maybe Larry, Darryl
and Darryl did do it.

What?

What do we really
know about them?

Their backgrounds?

Well, we...

we know they're not royalty.

I mean, we don't know
where they're from.

They pop up four years ago
from out of nowhere,

carrying sacks with God
knows what in them.

d*ck, we don't even know if
they have last names.

Honey, I-- I-- I know I'm not
exactly defending

The Hardy Boys,

unless... that, of course,
is their last name.

But I-- I-- I believe in
their innocence.

So do I, d*ck.

I was just playing
devil's advocate.

See, that's the kind of
thing the prosecution

is gonna jump on.

And that's why I'm gonna find as
many character witnesses

as I possibly can.

George, I-- I may be calling
you to the stand.

I'm ready, d*ck.

If the guys get convicted, they
may lose the café.

That's it!

Wendell Bellow.

It-- it-- it's him!

The real-estate guy?

It all adds up.

Bellow's a-- a
real-estate speculator.

He plants the cows in
the basement,

he incriminates Larry,
Darryl and Darryl,

tarnishes their reputation,

and buys the café...

...for a song.

You wanna get some of this down,
d*ck?

d*ck, this is all conjecture.
You have no proof.

Just wait 'til I get Bellow
on the stand and...

do my wheeling.

So, d*ck, are you nervous?

Are you kidding?

It's an open-and-shut case.

Look at Bellow
squirming over there.

I don't know if that means
he's guilty, d*ck.

That's where a nail sticks
up out of the seat.

Hi. I'm Larry.

-This is my brother
Darryl-- -Guys...

what-- what-- what's
with the outfits?

We're just following
your advice.

You said to dress for courting.

I said to dress for court.

You mean we ain't gonna leave
here with any girls?

Aw.

Stephanie, Michael,

it's so nice that you came to
show your support

for Larry and the Darryls.

Oh, that's really not why
we're here, Joanna.

Stolen cows are one thing.

We're worried about
stolen thunder.

We figure we'd be safe here.

This is the only place
in town we know

that cute couple won't show up.

Mayday!

Cute couple at three o'clock.

Wow. They're adorable.

Yeah.

He's an Adonis, and she's
cute as a button.

And look how
manageable her hair is.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Sorry.

[ Sighs ]

Maybe I could bribe the bailiff
to have them bounced.

Oh, Michael, we're
through running.

We have to deal with this
like two adults.

Let's look for flaws.

d*ck, honey,

I took a look at your
opening statement,

and I think it might be
a bit flowery.

Honey, it's essential

that a lawyer win over the
jury immediately

with a colorful speech.

It can determine the outcome of
the-- of the trial.

[ Gavel bangs ]

Docket number :

The State of Vermont vs. Larry,
Darryl and Darryl.

Are the attorney and
the innkeeper

ready with their
opening remarks?

I am, Your Honor.

I am.

Good. Good.

Mr. Schiff.

These guys are guilty, and
I'm gonna prove it.

Mr. Loudon.

[ Clears throat ]

Ladies and gentlemen of the
jury, I believe

it was William
Shakespeare who said,

"The quality of mercy is
not strained."

These-- these guys
are not guilty,

and I'm gonna prove it.

After careful scouring
of the basement,

I turned up the evidence.

One Guernsey cow.

Female.

I also checked their books.

The day the moo was
bunking there,

the sale of
milkshakes had tripled.

Thank you. No further questions.

[ Sighs ] Your witness.

No questions.

Okay, I'm free to go.

Excuse me, before we
go any further,

is there any particular
pose you'd like

for the artist rendering?

Did you steal that cow
from Farmer Bagley?

No. We're innocent as
a baby's butt.

Please just answer
the questions.

Isn't it true that if you did
have a cow on your premises,

it might be helpful to your
restaurant business?

That's true.

We'd use it for milk
or hamburger,

depending on how the
cow behaved.

Have you ever broken the law?

Is smearing yourself
with petroleum

by-products illegal?

No.

Then, we're clean.

Tell me, this past year,

didn't your Christmas cards
come with an enclosed

lightning bug?

Either a lightning bug
or a cricket,

depending on whether you're
on the A or B list.

And weren't you once found
swimming in the town's

water tower?

Where better to look for them
three Petticoat Junction gals?

Objection, Your Honor.

These are...

hobbies.

Boyish shenanigans that have
nothing to do with the case.

They have everything to
do with the case.

Your Honor, I'm establishing
that these people

don't think the way we do.

I mean, stealing is wrong to us,

but to them it might be just a
boyish shenanigan.

You may proceed, Mr. Schiff.

Isn't it a fact that you stole
Farmer Bagley's cow

to increase lackluster sales?

No.

Your Honor, I move that Mr.
Schiff's last remarks

be stricken from the record.

Your Honor, are we going to
listen to a man

who's not even using legal pads?

Mr. Loudon, your
objection's overruled.

No further questions.

d*ck: Redirect, Your Honor?

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

I'd like you to take... a good
look at these men.

Do they look guilty?

Of course they do!

But we can't judge people by
their faces alone.

A-- appearance isn't
everything in life.

[ Gasps ]

All the evidence...

...is circumstantial.

No further questions.

You may step down.

Mr. Loudon, you may call
your next witness.

The defense needs to call
only one witness.

I would like to call...

Wendell Bellow...

to the stand.

Name?

Wendell Bellow.

Occupation?

Real-estate broker.

Don't you mean
real-estate speculator?

No, it's broker.

Isn't it true that you were
looking for a way

to buy the Minuteman Café?

Yes.

And with them in jail,

wouldn't that give you a
terrific bargaining tool?

And you could buy the café...

for a song?

Not really.

Isn't it true,

in fact, that you planted the
cows in the basement

and made it look like Larry,
Darryl and Darryl

had put them there?

Isn't that true?

No.

Isn't it true you set the
whole thing up?

Admit it! Admit it!

All right! I admit it!
I admit it!

I planted the cow.

Please, I'm building to
something here.

But it was me. I did it.

Your Honor, I can't
work like this.

Mr. Loudon, he's
trying to confess.

That's good... for you.

Oh.

[ Clears throat ]

Proceed.

I framed 'em. They were pests.

They would
constantly walk upwind

and drive my herd crazy.

Besides, with them in jail, I
could take over their land

and expand my property line.

My cows needed more
room for grazing.

You didn't have to do that.

We don't mind if your critters

roam on our land.

You don't?

Gee.

Sorry.

Case dismissed.

[ Gavel raps ]

d*ck!

d*ck, you were wonderful.

We thank you.

For a moment there,

we thought Lady Justice
was gonna take off

her blindfold,

dip it in water, and
snap our behinds

all the way to The Big House.

Excuse me. Sir, uh, you were a
member of the jury.

Which-- which couple do you
think is cuter?

Us or-- or them?

You know, I never
thought I'd say this,

but we're glad Miss
Bergen's line was busy.

Thank you, Larry.

Those are the nicest words

an attorney could
ever wanna hear.

Okay, Steph, I poled
all the jurors.

Three to three. It's a deadlock.

Wait a minute.

Michael, I think the
judge winked at me.

Then... we are the cutest.
We won!

We won!

Meow.