02x14 - Dharma and Greg on a Hot Tin Roof

[bunniefuu]

Okay.

Go ahead.

Can't do this.

The saes guy wi never beieve 'm from the South.

Then he' think you're crazy.

T's more fun shopping anyway and sometimes they give you free stuff just to get rid of you.

Go on.

Excuse me, son.

- Yes.

- 'M ooking for a nine iron.

Non

-on?

What my husband means to say is that he is in need of a nine iron.

Yes.

'm ooking for a new nine iron.

'M sorry.

You know, a nine iron.

Six, seven, eight, nine iron.



- Oh, a nine iron.



- Nine iron, yes.



- They're right over there.



- Thank you.

Damn Yankees.

Know what you're saying.

T's impossible to understand these people.



- That's true.



- Where y'a hai from?

Memphis.

Where the hell you from?

Oh, hai from.

That's very good.

We, we're pert near neighbors.

'M from Knoxvie.

Is that right?

Did you hear that, stinkbug?



- This man is a Knoxidian.



- Yeah.

Born and raised.

What part of Memphis are you from?

Well, what part of Memphis would a man such as myself be from?



- Exactly.



- Exactly! Allow me to introduce myself.

'M Judge Samue Harper.

Judge Samuel Harper, the new Federal Court judge.

Guilty as charged.

How did you know that?

'M with the U.

S.

Attorney's Office.

I believe I have a motion you're hearing in the morning.

Is that so?



- And your name is?



- My name?



- Tell him your name, butterbug.



- My name is Gregory Montgomery.

We, it's nice to meet you, Mr.

Montgomery.



- And this lovely flower is?



- Dharma.

Dharma Jean.

Dharma Jean.

You're a very ucky man, sir.

Yes, sir, I am.

And it is at moments like this I am made keenly aware of just how lucky I am.

So then it turns out he has to appear before this judge tomorrow morning.

He seems to be taking it pretty well.

He's been rocking ike that since we got home.



- You think he' stay that way?



- Don't know.

'M gonna go get my camera.

Honey?

You wanna talk about it now?



- No.



- You know, it's not that big a dea.

You just have to get there, like, five minutes early and just explain I was mocking him and his entire culture?

You weren't mocking.

You were making believe.

Okay.

And after he destroys me in court, I can make believe I still have a career.

Hi, Greg Montgomery, attorney at law.

These two gentlemen are my clients.

Okay.

Were my clients.

Just tell him the truth.

'M sure he' get a kick out of it.



- What are you talking about?



- Don't worry.

When I get a chance ' ask for a sidebar.



- What's it about?



- T's not important.

Is it about me?

Are you gonna tell the judge I went to a Caribbean law school?

No.

Now, just cool it.



- Tell me what the sidebar is about.



- It has nothing to do with the case.

Then I might know something about it.

All rise.

Sit down.

'm not the queen.



- Good morning, counselors.



- Howdy, judge.

How's that?

Howdy, Your Honor?

Howdy?

Howdy?

What are you impying, that 'm some sort of ignorant Southerner who doesn't understand proper English?

If you wish to address me, say "heo.

" Yes, sir, Your Honor.

Hello.

The one thing I will not tolerate is the ridiculing of the melodic speech patterns of my people.

Don't you agree, Mr.

Montgomery?

Sure enough, Your Honor.

"Sure enough"?

What the hell you doing?

Now, the defense has made a motion here for a change of venue.

Does the United States have any response to this motion?

Yes, Your Honor, 've examined counse's motion and find it spurious.

It clearly does not meet the requirements of 18 USC 34.

So what you're saying, Mr.

Montgomery, is that dog won't hunt?

No, sir, that dog is a vegetarian.

Vegetarian.

Very good.

What are you doing?

Maybe they didn't teach you this at the Bob Marley School of Law but sometimes you have to butter up the judge.

Continue, Mr.

Montgomery.

F might beg the court's indugence, but as it is unseasonably warm in here was wondering if there'd be any objection to my continuing in my shirtsleeves?

Don't see as how that can affect the dignity of these proceedings.

Thank you, Your Honor.



- Wi you te me what's going on?



- What?



- The accent.



- What accent?

The learned attorney for the defense has presented us with a motion that is filled with all kinds of legal hoo

-hah.

Prejudicial this, fair trial that.

Frankly, when I read the thing, I was more mixed up than a basketful of puppies on a Ferris wheel.

Well, I do declare, a full day of lawyering has made me hungrier than a tick on a teddy bear.



- That was fun, wasn't it?



- Can't beieve got away with it.

Boy, did you dodge a b*llet.

Now all I have to do is avoid his courtroom unti he dies and ' be fine.

Let's ceebrate.

Let's go to dinner in Chinatown and pretend we're French.

What do you mean I cannot smoke in your restaurant?

I am French.

Oh, yes, that is fantastic, my little soupe du jour.

But what if we meet a French judge?

' Give him a cigarette and make love to his wife.

I can wear your beret.

How do, Dharma Jean?

Well, slap my butt and call me baby.

Gregory, look who came a calling.

Not now, ma chérie.

Send them away.

I just dropped by to bring you all a little taste of home.

Oh, that's so thoughtfu of you.

Those are genuine Georgia pecans.

We, that's right neighbory.



- Please, come on in.



- Mighty kind of you.

One thing I miss about being back home is folks just dropping in on one another.

Yeah, around these parts people are always calling first.

Dang them callers.

Hey, honey, why don't you take your chapeau off and stay a while?

Oh, 've got peope in New Oreans.



- Where?



- New Orleans.

Whereabouts?

Bourbon and Water Streets.

Look at us, just sitting here yakking.

Where are our manners?

Can I get you anything to wet your whistle?

We, woudn't decine the offer of some sweet tea.

Then sweet tea it is.

Come help me make some sweet tea, sweet pea.

Make yourself at home.

The Nashville Network is 79.

What the heck is sweet tea?

Don't know.

Woud guess tea with some sort of sweetener.

Well, hot or cold?

Put ice and sugar on the side and see what he does.

Excellent.

Man, if he asks for grits, we're screwed.

What are we doing?

This is ridiculous.

Yeah.

You know what, this ends here and now.



- We tell him?



- We tell him.

Judge, there's something we have to tell you.

Oh, excuse me.

I was just getting a little misty

-eyed here thinking about how my wife and I used to sit on the porch and shell pecans.

Used to?

Oh, how I miss that woman.

After she d*ed, I moved out here to try to get away from all those memories.

Until I met you two didn't reaize how oney 've been.

'M sorry.

You know, Gregory, maybe this sounds like a silly old man to you but when I saw you in that courtroom today a young, proud, Southern attorney I thought to myself: "This is the son never had.

" Now, what was it you wanted to tell me?

We're a out of grits.

Greg ate the last two.



- Thanks for the nuts.



- Yeah, y'a come back now, you hear?

Oh, God.

Well, this is kind of a funny turn of events, isn't it?

Oh, God.

Oh, honey, you're not gonna start rocking again, are you?

Why did you te him we'd go fishing with him tomorrow?

Excuse me, who bragged about catching a mess of catfish using nothing but sweet talk for bait?

I was being Southern.

We're a storyteing peope.

Well, what do you wanna do now, Huckleberry?

Guess we' go fishing with him in the morning and then ' te him the truth.

Come on, et's go to bed.



- Can't.



- Why not?

Because promised him 'd whup up some of my prize

-winning hushpuppies for lunch.



- ' Give you a hand.



- Thanks.



- Hey, Greg?



- Yeah?



- What's a hushpuppy?



- Oh, God.

Come on, everybody.

Come on, Greg, sing.

Look, 'm sorry.

Just coudn't find the right time to te him.

You're right.

We were ony sitting on that cold rock for, what?

Seven hours?

Were you this sarcastic before you met me or is this something 've done?

Little you, little your mother.

Okay.

When he comes over for dinner on Friday ' get a coupe of drinks in him, then ' te him.

Good plan.

Smooth.

This is the only thing my good

-for

-one

-thing brother is good for.

Yahtzee! Dharma Jean, beieve we're paying checkers.

Checkers.

You about ready for a refill, son?

Son?

Gregory.

The drinking age should be raised to 50.



- Poor baby.

Have some orange juice.



- Thank you.



- You don't fee so good, do you?



- Feels like a monkey crapped in my skull.

Well, at least I finally told the judge the truth.

Oh, no, Greg, you didn't.



- Didn't?

'm sure did.



- Well, unless it happened while he was holding your head over the toiet, don't think you did.

Oh, no.

You still have a chance.

He wants to go line dancing Saturday.



- Okay, ' te him after.



- Why don't you te him before?

Well, I kind of like line dancing.

You kind of like the judge too, don't you?

Yeah.

T's nice being the son someone never had.

I just wish I had an honest relationship with him.

Well, I mean, if it helps any you don't exacty have an honest relationship with your real father.

True.

And that's working out pretty good.

Honey, why is our address written on my chest in lipstick?

Because when the judge left, you kept running outside naked.

I was afraid I was gonna lose you.

Very funny.

And you put the stamp on my nipple.

Oh, no, that's something you came back with.



- Oh, doggie, that was fun.



- It sure was.

Haven't danced ike that in 25 or 30 pounds.

Your Honor, hope you weren't uncomfortabe.

We had no idea it was a gay country bar.

Heck, no.

I thought some of them fellas was fine dressers and fancy dancers.

I particularly liked meeting that TV weatherman.

Oh, he liked you too.

Not half as much as he liked Gregory.



- You were the belle of the ball, son.



- Thank you, thank you.

You know, judge, Reba McEntire's coming into town next weekend and she's performing at the Cow Palace.

How about we get some tickets?



- Next weekend?



- Yeah, ' treat.

Well, heck, l I was fixing to te y'a this tomorrow but 'm gonna be busy packing next weekend.



- Packing?



- 'M moving back to Tennessee.

How come?

Spending this time with y'a for the last few weeks made me realize just how much I miss home.

We, sure am sorry you're eaving.

Oh, we're gonna miss you very much.

Yeah, me too.

Well, before we all start blubbering like a bunch of TV weathermen I have a surprise for you.

'Ve been ooking for a way to repay your hospitality.

And think 've come up with just the thing.

Oh, wind chimes?



- Pardon?



- Nothing.

Tomorrow evening 'm having dinner with an old friend from back home.

And I want both of you to join us.

I do believe it can be of great benefit to Gregory's career.

Who we talking about, Your Honor?

The vice president of the United States, Mr.

Albert Gore.



- The vice president.



- Tipper's husband.

Well, he sure can make or break a career.

And he spends almost all his time in Memphis.

I imagine you probably know all the same people.

'M sure he knows them better than I do.

'D ove to visit with him but tomorrow evening is my father's birthday and I would be remiss to put my personal ambition ahead of my family obligations woudn't?

I mean, kin being thicker than anything else you can think of.

And it was at that point that the judge said: "Woud it be a treat if brought the Vice President to his birthday party?

" Don't understand.

My birthday's in June.

Under no circumstances am I going to pretend to be Kitty Sue from Backwater, Tennessee.

Memphis, Mother, we're from Memphis.

'Ve typed some taking points so we can all keep our stories straight.

Page two have some helpful phrases in case you get stuck.

What's a "Mamanem"?

T's how you ask about someone's famiy.

"How's your Mamanem?

" Your mama and them.

Your mama and them.

We got a lot of work to do.

Why don't you go get those Matlock videos out of the car.

Why can't just te took diction essons so woudn't sound so ignorant?

You can't do that, Mother.

My career is hanging by a thread.

You've just gotta pay aong.

Just for the record, this is your faut, isn't it?

Let's see.

"Let's go shopping, Bobby Jo, Bubba" Yeah.

Thank you.

Don't think can do an accent.

Oh, sure you can, Edward.

Just think Gone With the Wind.

Why, Miss Scarett, don't know nothing about birthing no babies.

Good, that's good, but you' probaby wanna be a guy.



- Mother, what are you doing?



- Oh, Gregory, how is this?

Good evening, Mr.

Vice President.

How's your mama and them?

Mom, that's great.



- Why aren't you wearing any shoes?



- Oh, 'm trying to be authentic.

Mother, for God's sake, put on some shoes.

I cannot wear shoes and do the accent.

Celia, is there anything else I can do to help?

No, y'a set a spe and rest those barking dogs.

Excuse me, little lady.

Can I interest you in some Southern fried chicken?



- Greg, mayday!

- Dad, what are you doing?

Oh, 'm amortizing my Haoween costume.

T's chicken icking good.

This is bad.

This is so bad.



- How do?

'm Country Joe Finkestein.



- And 'm Bitsy Mae.



- Together we are

- Country Bits.



- Hi, guys, you look great.



- What are they doing here?

Greg, it's not very fair that your mom and them get to meet the vice president, and my mom and them don't.

Don't worry, Greg, we're not gonna embarrass you.

We' just sing a quick medey of songs about campaign finance reform and then you won't hear another peep out of us.

Look here, y'a.

Yonder comes the vice president of them United States.

Mr.

Vice President, 'd ike you to meet the Montgomerys.

Howdy! We pulled it off.

He bought the whole thing! I spiked the punch with the judge's moonshine.

Did you hear what he said about me?

He said I was a rising star.

He might be president some day.

'd get a big appointment in the White House.

Maybe not attorney general, but Bobby Kennedy was about my age.

We're not brothers but we're both from Tennessee.



- Greg.



- And then if I got the job 'd have to tak ike this for the rest of my freaking life.

What have I done?

- Hey, it's gonna be a right.

- No, it ain't.

You know what?

Let's forget about this for a whie.

- Come on, et's go get some ice cream.

- As ourselves?

Yep.

Except we' te everyone that we're brother and sister and then we' start making out until someone throws up.

Y'a come back now, you hear?