03x15 - Can't Hardly Date Adventure

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Great North". Aired: January 3, 2021 – present.*
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Following the Alaskan adventures of the Tobin family, as a single dad, Beef, does his best to keep his weird bunch of kids close by.
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03x15 - Can't Hardly Date Adventure

Post by bunniefuu »

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

Nature and stuff

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

Oh, the Great North

Way up here,
you can breathe the air

Catch some fish

Or gaze at a bear


Oh, the Great North

Here we live, oh, oh

Here we'll stay, oh, whoo

From longest night
to longest day

In the Great North.


HAM: Has anyone seen Dad?

I thought I saw him
in the hallway earlier,

but it was just
Wolf in Dad's bathrobe,

gently caressing the collar
with his cheek.

I was doing some laundry and it
had just come out of the dryer.

Who could resist putting
on some warm, fresh Dad?

If he's not around, who made

this classic Dad-style breakfast?

I did. I'm day-drinking
with Cheesecake later,

so I got to put down a base. Oh,

and I got to remember to bring
a couple leashes this time.

We always end up rescuing
stray dogs when we're drunk.

Or should I say they rescue us.

Good morning, everybody.

- [all gasp]
- America's Next Top What the...

Oh. Oh, wow.

Alyson is here and she
is wearing my father's shirt,

which in every rom-com
I've ever seen means

that she slept with my father.
Oh, my God.

She's my dad now.
Wait, no, she's my mom.

Oh, what? [grunts]
I'm freaking out.

Oh, I see.

You think me and your dad
did the "you know what."

We did not.
I called Beef last night

- to take a look at my heat pump.
- Uh-oh.

And the part I need
has to be ordered,

so he invited me to stay here.

He said I could sleep in his bed

and he would sleep in the car
a few miles away.

Day drinking, car sleeping?

Okay, this might be
the coolest family ever.

I'll just be here
a couple nights.

And don't worry, my house pigs
[phone vibrates]

Peanut Butter and Jam
are staying with a friend.

Oh, look. Dad texted.

He said, "Panicked because
Alyson was in my bed

and I actually drove to the
border of Canada last night,"

and as I read this
I realize I probably

should not have
said it out loud.

Anyway, he's on his way back.

Well, Alyson,
it's nice to have you here

and I wonder where my dad
will drive to tonight.

I hope it's Georgia
and he picks up an accent.

Can you imagine getting
tucked in with a twang?

Hoo-ee, y'all.

WOLF: Oh, no way.

Cody Humikowski from
high school works here now?

- You want the usual?
- You know what, surprise me...

with your absolute
cheapest beer.

Coming up, pal.

- Hey, Cody.
- What do you want?

A million dollars,
but I will settle for a beer.

- [laughs]
- What?

One beer, please. Aw, man.

That drives me nuts.
He was the one guy

in high school
who didn't like me.

- And I guess he still doesn't.
- No way.

Everyone likes you. That's
your thing... being likable.

But maybe he's thinking
about something else.

You never know what people
are going through. Like me.

I just found out the woman
I'm dating is my aunt,

so now our anniversary's ruined.

- What'll it be?
- I'd like a new car,

- but I will settle for a beer.
- [laughs]

I hear that, my man.
Coming right up.

Jabba the What the Hell?

All right,
this has gone on long enough.

Cody is my likability
white whale,

and I'm gonna s*ab
him with my charmpoon.

Hi, Beef. Hope you had

a nice drive last night.

Yes, I often drive all night

through the Alaskan wilderness

when a friend
needs to use my bed.

Nothing special.

Well, if your non-special
night driving

did have anything to do with me,

I wanted to tell you
not to worry.

I am currently
in a committed relationship.

Wait, really?
Like, a serious relationship?

I thought you didn't
do that kind of thing.

Me either, but he just
knocked me off my clogs, Beef.

His name is Jobiathan.

He's a doctor and he lives out
near Ballistic m*ssile Island.

You know,
the tiny island that still has

a ballistic m*ssile there,
but also a very nice resort?

Where did you meet
this relationship man?

Oh, we've only met online,
but we got serious pretty quick.

That's terrible. I mean,
that you haven't met yet.

- What a shame.
- We're gonna finally meet up in real life

this weekend and stay
at the Ballistic m*ssile Resort.

He booked
the Underground Bunker Room.

No windows,
and cans of Spam everywhere.

- It's so fun.
- Well, I am happy for you.

I guess. And Jerbriacram.

- Jobiathan.
- Joberthion.




All right, Cody,
time to get to know me.

Hey, there he is,
the Code Man!


Peeing, huh? Yeah, me, too.

Looks like we're
on the same pee schedge.

- Washing your hands, huh?
- Uh-huh.

I'll be doing that, too,
right after I pee.

Loving the Bleederhosen
shirt B-T-dubs.

Yeah, I'll see you out there.
Got a little more peeing to do.

Then some hand washing,
like I just said.

- Yep, whatever.
- Cool, bud.

How'd it go in there?

I tried to start a urinal convo,

- and he barely responded.
- That's insane.

Who doesn't love
some tinkle talk?

I know. I'm a great
urinal conversationalist.

Well, if it makes you feel
any better,

there's a guy in Talkeetna
who doesn't like me.

His name is "my dad,"
but you know what they say.

If someone doesn't like you,
you just have to accept it and...

Try super hard, never give up
until they change their mind.

Yep, I'm gonna make Cody like me
if it kills me.

Seems like a great use of time,
and I support it.

Oh, hanging some art, Beef?

The nail became loose.

So I am hammering in a new one

just to the right
of the old hole.

Oh, neat. Can't wait
to see how it turns out.

It will look
just like it did before.

Well, like I said, neat.

- Uh, what the heck was that?
- What do you mean?

I mean, you said "hammering,"
you said "nail,"

you said "old hole," and she
didn't even say something like,

"Don't thr*aten me
with a good time."

Yeah, that's not the
sexually tense Dad-Alyson vibe

- we're all regrettably used to.
- It's true.

My dynamic with Alyson
has changed

because she has a boyfriend now
named Joblerone.

Whoa. She's settling down?

How do you feel about that, Dad?

Well, it can't be that serious.

I mean, it's Alyson.
She dates the sign spinner

in front of the tax place
every tax season,

but by April th she's
always back playing the field.

Okay, Beef,
but if you really like Alyson,

you might want to actually
make a move sometime.

Hmm. I'll think about it.

Perhaps I will,
as we say in Alaska,

"throw my taxidermied elk
into her lodge lobby."

All right, but I wouldn't
wait forever. You never know

when a lady is gonna
close up the lobby for good.

[echoing]: You never know

when a lady is going
to close up the lobby for good.

- Hello, Alyson.
- Oh, hi, Beef.

I'm just doing my nighttime
wind-down routine.

I like to stick snow
in my armpits and think

of funny comebacks I should've
said during the day.

Oh. Good. Well, I was wondering

if you might want to walk around

the house once... or something.

It doesn't have to be now.

Beef, I can tell
you're trying to flirt with me,

but the relationship
between me and Jobiathan

is a little more serious
than I let on.

- What do you mean?
- I'm driving to Ballistic m*ssile Island tomorrow

to get married to him.

Married?! Markie's Post.

The lodge lobby is closed.

So you said yes to marrying
a man you haven't met

- named Jacabrocky?
- Jobiathan.

And, yes, he hid
a digital engagement ring

in my digital soufflé.

- I almost digitally choked.
- How romantic.

I find him so interesting.

He's just a solid guy.
Not flashy.

Actually, he kind of reminds me
of you, Beef.

At least in his messages.

Oh. Cool.

You know, I, uh,
actually have an errand to run

at Ballistic m*ssile Island.

Oh, really?
What do you need to do there?

I need to pick up a wrench

from a guy at a store.

So, I could go with you.

Hmm, well, if you drove,

that would free me up
to think my thoughts.

Who knows, uh, maybe even
have second thoughts.

But fair warning, I tend to be

pretty free with my farts
on road trips.

If you're okay with that,
I'm happy for the company.

Oh, no-no problem.
On road trips, I consume

nothing but coffee,
Corn Nuts and licorice.

The resulting smells
are deeply unpleasant.

Sounds like
we're a perfect match.


Welp, I'm headed

- to the curling club.
- Uh, what's going on

with that shirt there, babe?
Did you make it with a Sharpie?

Yep. Looks great, right?

This guy Cody from high school
is the bartender

at the curling rink
and he likes this band,

but he doesn't like me,
but when he sees this shirt,

we'll be on a rocket ship
to Homie Heaven.

Babe, are you doing this again?

- Doing what?
- Going all-out to make sure

- absolutely everyone likes you.
- I don't do that.

Sweetie, you still go
to your middle school bully's

improv shows.
You even needed my ex-boyfriend

to like you for some reason.

Happy birthday, buddy.
Be on the lookout for a package.

Hint: I hope you
like making soda.

Who is this?

Uh-huh, and then what happened?

- He started to like you.
- Exactly.

I wore him down and now
he likes my Facebook posts.

Okay, but sometimes
you put a lot of energy

into people
who don't deserve it.

I just don't want to find out
one day that you've become

pen pals with a serial k*ller
and you gave him our address.

Who, Charlie the Choker?
Oh, don't worry.

There's no way
that guy's getting paroled.

- Wolf!
- Horrific crimes. Sweet guy, though.

Well, off to make Cody
my bro-dy.

Why did you want to meet us

- in the panic room?
- Because I am panicking.

Is Mountain Man Marv
on our property again?

He'll leave
after he finishes filling

his pillowcases with pine cones.

It's not that.
Alyson is getting married.

To that Internet guy? When?

It's happening tomorrow
on Ballistic m*ssile Island.

I offered to drive her
to her marriage

and take the ferry with her
and she said

she was gonna fart a lot,
and I said...

Beef, Beef.
Slow down. Slow down.

Okay, so you're driving her
to get married.

- That is actually great news.
- What? No, it's not.

It's terrible.
She was the first person

who made me feel anything
after Kathleen left.

And I guess I hoped
she'd always be out there

as a someday possibility,
but instead

Alyson has given her heart
to a man she hasn't met

with a name I cannot pronounce.

Beef, relax.

This drive is actually
the perfect setup

for a romantic comedy.
Trust us, we've seen 'em all.

Yeah, we all watch
the Lifemark Channel constantly.

We've even seen Swipe North,

about that girl who dates Santa.

Ah, I have actually
seen that one.

It gave me hope.
Santa is much older than me,

and he managed to find love.

Beef, this car trip
is the perfect opportunity

to stop Alyson
from getting married.

You just need to make
a list of everything

you would have liked to do
with her if you were dating

and squeeze it
into the road trip.

Show her what she'd be
missing out on with you

if she goes through with this.

Hmm. I do love lists.

But it's only a one-hour drive

and then a -minute ferry
to BM Island.

That's not a lot of time.

It's the perfect run time
for a romantic comedy.

- What should we call it?
- How about

Beef Drives Alyson
to Marriage Place?

I mean, it says what it is
in the title,

and test audiences love that.

- Cody?!
- [groans]

Crazy running into you here.

You mean at my job where I work?

Hey, I just remembered that

yesterday you were wearing
that Bleederhosen shirt

and today I'm wearing
my Bleederhosen shirt.

Love that band.

Oh, I borrowed that shirt
from my roommate when I was

looking through his closet
for money.

I thought Bleederhosen
was a store.

Oh, that reminds me, I also
brought you a muffin basket.

And yes, good eye, every muffin
does have a pinwheel in it.

I'm allergic to muffins.
And pinwheels

are way too much work. All that
breathing? [scoffs] No thanks.

Totally. Well, see you at the
bar right now when I sit down.


Allow me to get
the door for you.

And I don't mean to imply
that you don't know

- how to open a door.
- I know, Beef.

But I appreciate the clarity.

"Open and close car door
for her."

Done. Next up,
"Make her a mixtape."

One step ahead of you, list.

I have prepared
a mixtape for our journey.

Aw, that's sweet, Beef.

Donnie Wahlberg
made me a mixtape once.

It was just minutes
of the Entourage theme.

Well, this mix is mostly
The Cranberries.

I'm a bit of a "bog boy."

Oh, yeah, I'm also a fan-berry.

So far, so good.

So, Alyson, I was thinking
that we could have

a thoughtful conversation

in which we get
to know each other better.

I'll start:
I've never used lotion.

- I'm naturally moist. Oh.
- [snoring]

[snoring continuing]

- Alyson, uh, we're here.
- [snorts]

Oh, oh. [laughs]
Oh, wow.

Oh, I can't believe
I slept the whole way.

Ooh. Hope I wasn't farting
too much in my sleep.

You did fart. A lot.

Yeah, that makes sense.
I was having a dream

where I could fart so strongly
that my anus worked

as a sort of jetpack,
and then I bonked my head

on the bottom of a helicopter.
[horn bl*ws]

Oh, there it is,
the Love Choo Choo.

Why would they call
a boat a train?

Well, many of the people aboard
are on their way to BM Island

for a quickie marriage,
so they gave it a fun theme.

But a boat already has a theme.

The theme is a boat.

CAPTAIN [over P.A.]: Calling
all lovers, the
Love Choo Choo

will now begin boarding
for Ballistic m*ssile Island.

Well, looks like
I'm a -minute ferry ride away

from becoming
Mrs. Jobiathan Flavor.

Joey from Friends,
lend me your confidence.

CAPTAIN [over P.A.]: Folks, we'll
be at Ballistic m*ssile Island

in about minutes.

Uh, Alyson?

- Yes, Beef?
- I was thinking...

- wind, right?
- What about it?

- Uh, it's profound.
- Well, I guess it is.

Thanks, Beef.
[phone rings]

Excuse me a moment.

- Hello?
- Hey, Dad.

How's Beef Drives Alyson
to Marriage Place going?

She slept the whole way here.

And now I only have
minutes left

and there are
so many items on my list.

Like slow dancing,
spontaneous whittling

and kissing beneath
some fireworks.

I didn't even bring
any fireworks with me.

- Rookie mistake.
- Don't give up hope just yet, Beef.

In a romantic comedy,
when a couple is meant to be,

there's always
a deus ex machina.

Oh, yeah, the deus ex machina
is something unexpected

that happens in a rom-com
that makes it possible

for the leads
to spend more time together.

Like in Swipe North
when Anne Hathaway and Santa

got stuck
under that giant candy cane.

I don't think
that'll happen here,

but if I see a giant candy cane,

I will try
to pull it on top of us.

Okay, but, Beef, listen,
this is very important.

If there is a deus ex machina,

use the time
to make this a real date.

Tell her everything
you want to say.

'Cause after
the deus ex machina,

well, that's when
the lead decides

that she's gonna
marry the wrong guy

or hold out for the right one.

Like how Anne Hathaway almost
married the Easter Bunny.

Oh, I hated that bunny.

So arrogant,
driving that BMW around.

Wait, something's happening.

I'll call you guys back.

CAPTAIN: We seem to be
having engine trouble,

so we're stranded
for the moment.

In the meantime,
why not take advantage

of the Love Choo Choo's many
entertainment and food options.

The deus ex machina.
It's real.

- How you doing?
- What?

Sorry, I was imitating
Joey from Friends.

- Leave me alone.
- You got it.

Look, Alyson, I know you're
getting married tomorrow

and I respect that,
but I was wondering,

would you want to go
on one last date

with me?

You see, in high school,
Kathleen just told me

I was her boyfriend one day,
and I agreed.

So, I have never
actually been on a real date.

- Not even with a ghost?
- Uh, no.

- Not even with a ghost.
- Well, sure, Beef.

I'd love to pass the time
on the Love Choo Choo with you.

It'll be my last round
of Donkey Kong

before I leave the arcade
for good.

Care to hitch your arm
to the old Beef wagon?

- Cody!
- Whoa!

- Taking out the trash, huh?
- What the hell, man?

Sorry. So, I was thinking
maybe we take a drive

and jam out to some tunes.
Maybe grub some chow.

Just, like, blow the roof
off this town, you know?

If I come with you,

will you promise
to stop bothering me?

And do you also promise
not to k*ll me?

I so promise
not to k*ll you, Cody.

So promise.

We made a love casserole

Yeah, we made it
from our past, you know

We took the leftovers
from our lives

Put 'em in a pan
and we added chives

We made a love casserole

And we made it so much
it's gonna last-erole

We put it in the fridge
next to the chicken

It'll never go bad
or give us botulism

We made a love casserole!

There's the old miss.

The old lady.

Our old high school.
And there's the old school bench

where I diarrhea-ed my pants.

Had to call my dad
to pick me up.

- And that corner is where he picked me up.
- Okay.

Pretty fun night, huh?
You know, Codes,

I know we never got to know
each other in high school,

but now that you see
how cool I am,

you know there's
no reason not to like me.

Who said I didn't like you?

I just never thought about you.

But now, since you forced me
to think about you,

I guess you're... fine.

Oh, wow.
That is so good to hear.

And now that you've opened
the friendship door,

how about I get a little peek
inside your personality house?

What are you into these days,
Cody? Music, animals?

Nah, I hate music.
And animals are the worst.

I had a dog once, not anymore.

See you in hell, Mr. Pillowsby.

Oh, well, there must
be something you're into.

Uh, I don't know.

I like sh**ting stop signs
with my g*n.

I like strip clubs,
harassing nerds online,

setting sheds on f*re, stomping
on plants, stuff like that.

Oh. Huh.

That stuff sounds, uh... fun.

Hey, you want
to see something funny?

- Well, uh, sure.
- [grunts]

Dumbass tree.

Oh. [weak chuckle]


Thank you for joining me
for a great first date.

Perhaps you can give me
some pointers for my next one.

I don't know who it will
be with, but I'm pretty sure

I'll take her to the grain mill.
It's a mill.

There's a lot of grain...
You know what,

I don't want to ruin it for you

in case Jamiroquai
takes you there.

I don't really think
you need dating tips, Beef.

I've had a lot of fun.

Just maybe stop
putting so much pressure

on yourself so you can relax.

[grunts] When you said "relax,"
I tensed up.

How do you do it?
What is your secret, Alyson?

I guess I've just never taken
romance all that seriously.

I've dated around so much
that marriage and monogamy

actually seem like
a fun, new adventure.

And Jobiathan seems neat,
so why not settle down?

Or settle for?

- I don't know.
- Alyson, I'm sure Jabanaram

is neat, but
you are leagues beyond neat,

and you should
absolutely not settle.

You have so many good qualities.

You're kind and interesting,
but one of my

favorite things about you
is that you can't help

being yourself,
and for someone who has trouble

reading people,
I appreciate that.

Because whatever you do or say,

I know you're
genuinely being you.

Wow, Beef.
Even Dave, the spider wrangler

I lived with on Montezuma Beach,
never saw me that clearly.

CAPTAIN: Hope you're enjoying our
nightly fireworks presentation.

Looks like we're finally back
en route, folks. Choo choo!

Well, I guess this is where
we part ways, Mrs. Flavor.

I'm sorry about kissing you.

It's okay. In case you didn't
notice, I kissed you back.

You know, Beef,
I'm starting to wonder

if Jobiathan really is the guy
I want to settle down with.

Alyson? Yes, I am Jobiathan.

And yes, I look different
than I do online.

And yes, I do have
several more children at home.

And yes, I am married
to one other woman

who was recently jailed
due to a misunderstanding,

but she knows about you,
and we thought

we could have what we call
a "marriage Neapolitan."

You'll be the strawberry.

I am a robot.

Nice to meet you, human.

Oh. Okay. Yes, uh, sir,

could you please stop
bothering my robot?

- You're draining her battery.
- Sorry.

It's just that
your robot looks exactly

like a woman
I was supposed to marry.

I get that all the time.
Come on, robot.

Let's get back on the ferry.

You're late for robot class.

I love to learn...

- Alyson? Are you Alyson?
- Mm.

WOLF: Well, here we are
back at your work.

- So, goodbye.
- Hey, you want to keep going?

We could h*t the -hour
g*n range in Death Cliff.

b*at the crap
out of some lawn ornaments

or just score some coke
and chuck crap at cars?

Maybe not tonight.
I'm a little tired,

so how about a
g*n range-vandalism rain check?

Come on, man. We're friends now.

Hey, I'll head to the dumpster
and get some chucking stuff.

Okay, cool.
I'll just wait right here.

Don't you worry about that.

Well, Cody is not

who I thought he was.

And I know
this may sound super harsh,

but I don't think
I care if he likes me.

Aw, man.
Now I feel bad I said that.

No, Wolf. That's great.

- It's great that you said that.
- It is?

Listen, I get that you feel bad
when people don't like you

because being likable
is your thing.

But save your energy
for the people you like,

such as me
and our eventual kids.

And that grumpy guy
at the ice cream store

who's always mean to me.

- No, not him.
- Right, right, right.

BEEF: I'm sorry things
didn't work out

the way you were expecting,

but I had a pretty fun night.

And telling that wizard you were
a robot was very exciting.

I had fun, too. It's weird.

I never feel insecure,
but I guess I'm wondering.

If I hadn't been
about to get married,

would you still
have said all those things

you said to me tonight?

Alyson, I meant
everything that I said

on board the Love Choo Choo.

You are a true catch,
and I'm literally a fisherman,

so I know
what I'm talking about.

But I realized something
about myself

during our journey.

Was it that you want
to get a cape like Jobiathan?

Ooh, got to admit,
that man can dress.

No, it's not that.

It's that after we kissed,

all I wanted to do was,
well, marry you?

And have four kids?

That's the only second step

I have ever taken
in a relationship.

Hmm. I get that.

So I must not be ready
for a regular second step,

because I don't know
how to think differently yet.

We're two very different people

who have led
two very different lives.

You had four kids
right out of high school

and I once spent two years urban
backpacking through Dallas.

Yeah. I'm thinking that before
I make another big commitment,

I should maybe even date around.

You should absolutely
date around.

And don't even think about
settling down again

until you live life a little.

You're gonna do great out there.

- Thank you, Alyson.
- In fact,

I'm gonna get you a mop,

cause you're gonna be
cleaning up, Beef.

All right, off we go.

Should we do another sh*t
of cranberry juice?

Make mine a double.

Do you have to,
do you have to

Do you have to
let it linger?

And now

I present to you
Swipe North : Still Swiping.

Did you guys know that
Mark Ruffalo stayed in character

the whole time
they sh*t the movie?

Even his real-life wife and kids
had to call him Santa Claus.

I read online that Anne
Hathaway's character, Heather,

gets a job in Seattle
and she and Santa have to try

to make a long-distance
relationship work.

By God, I'm rooting for them.

Shh. Close your cocoa flaps.
It's starting.

Do you really think
I can find love once more?

I just uploaded your profile
so say hello to I'amour ♪

I'm gonna swipe north
on finding love again

I'm saying yes to Tabitha,
Brandy, Anne and Jen.

Congrats, you've got a match,
her name is Maddison

She likes peppermint,
snow and large abdomens

You got to write her back,
ask her more about herself

And tell her
that I live with elves

Gonna swipe north,
hope she's a fan of dairy

And eating only cookies,
feeling super merry

Gonna swipe north,
gonna really believe

There'll be a new girlfriend

For me under
the Christmas tree.
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