01x04 - Boardwalk of Shame

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: ...at a car

Dealership...

These recline back.

Back your ass up!

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: ...at

A public square...

Don't I know you?

From where?

Spin class.

Mnh-mnh.

I exposed myself

Accidentally?

[ Laughter ]

I can't believe he said it.

Narrator: ...and

At the beach.

You guys looked friendly.

I figured I'd join you.

Get the f*** away from me

Oh!

[ Laughter ]

We're on the streets, and

We've got to go up to complete

Strangers and ask them, "hey,

Don't I know you?"

Right, and the other three

Guys will be helping out.

Well, I don't know if

"Helping" is the right word.

They'll be writing

Embarrassing details on cue

Cards that we have to say about

How we know the other people.

And the goal is to get one of

These strangers to say that they

Know you.

And if you can't, you lose.

Side note -- I have problems

Admitting I know murray.

I don't know him either.

[ Laughs ]

Here we go.

Who knows what those j.o.s are

Writing over there.

Makes me nervous.

Hey, what's going on, bro?

How you been?

Brian.

What?

You're my ex-wife's friend?

No, I've never met you

Before, sir.

I'm from copenhagen.

Yeah, in copenhagen.

I was at that dinner party?

[ Chuckles ]

I farted -- I farted at the

Dinner in copenhagen?

[ Laughter ]

It stunk. That fart stunk.

It, like, cleared the room.

I must have a twin or

Something, because I really

Don't remember.

No, don't you remember?

I was like, "hermadur!"

No, I don't --

"Hermadur," bro.

You must have met someone who

Looks really similar.

No, it's me! It's me!

Just admit you know me!

No, I don't remember you.

Aw!

[ Laughter ]

Hold on one second?

Hey, how you been, man?

How's it been?

Long time no see.

Don't think I know you.

Yeah, I'm, uh, brian from

That, uh...

You know what? I don't know you.

I'm sorry.

[ Laughter ]

We know each other, right?

No.

I met you guys at -- at

Night court.

No.

I was the guys -- I'm the

President of the dakota fanning

Fan club?

[ Laughter ]

Well, anyways, these days, I'm

On broadway in "spartacus."

Oh, cool.

Give him a new one, give him

A new one, give him a new one,

Give him a new one.

I was at the doctor's office,

Like, last month.

Maybe that was it?

The proctologist?

Could that be it?

I -- I % met you.

I was the one that showed you my

Toenail collection.

I got diagnosed with sars for,

Like, a month.

[ Laughs ]

None of this is

Ringing a bell?

I was the guy that stole that

Baby's diaper.

[ Laughs ]

Damn it!

[ Laughs ]

What does it take to get

Somebody to remember me?!

Oh, my god.

I'm not even sweating

From the heat.

I'm sweating from being nervous.

Dude, I know you.

From downtown.

From the -- the clinic?

Probably.

Yeah.

No, I -- I used to -- I used

To -- I used to wax

Sylvester stallone's scrotum

Down there?

[ Laughs ]

No?

[ Laughter ]

All right, take it easy, man.

Could have swore I knew you.

Dude, dude?

It's sal.

I totally knew you from the

Christmas party.

They had holy water for

Christmas.

I peed in it.

I thought you -- I thought you

Were -- your name's not kevin?

Hey, what's up?

Now I'm just -- I'm running

Cockfights now.

Oh, cool.

Yeah.

Sal.

Sal, yeah, yeah.

Yes! Dude!

The guy that pissed in the

Water, yeah.

The guy that pissed in the

Holy water, totally!

Good to see you.

Dude, take it easy.

If you want to come to one of

The cockfights, hit me up.

He got it!

[ Ding! ]

Oh, hi. Don't I know you?

Um...

Joe.

From where?

Didn't we meet at the, uh,

At spin class?

Yeah, it was spin class, right?

I exposed myself accidentally?

Had a short short on?

[ Laughter ]

No? You sure?

Look at me in the face.

[ Laughter ]

Al roker's christmas party.

I ate a live squid?

I bled from my nipples?

I make stars out of spanish

Children.

My trip to disney, I spanked

That fat kid?

I sing in a girl band called

Puss.

[ Laughter ]

I can't believe he said it.

All right, well, it was good

Seeing you again.

[ Buzzer ]

Couldn't be anyone to say

They knew you?

No.

What are you guys doing now?

Your mother.

All: oh!

That's the easiest joke you

Could have made.

So's your mother.

Both: oh!

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: sal's victory puts

Him in unfamiliar territory.

But can he keep his loser

Friends down?

It's a beautiful

Day at the beach.

Too bad we forgot our beach

Blankets.

We have to find a way to get

On people's beach towels, lay

Right next to them, and not get

Kicked off.

We're gonna be unwanted,

Uninvited, and uncomfortable.

And if you're unsuccessful

And they ask you to leave, you

Lose.

Hi -- oh, god.

I hate the beach.

Sand in my crevices.

I don't want to do this.

Why do I have to go first?

He looks like a scraggly

Son of a bitch.

He looks indigent.

Yeah. [ Laughs ]

He's got a blanket all picked

Out.

He's moving in.

He's quietly put

Down the cooler.

All right, there go the

Flip-flops.

[ Laughs ]

And the moment of truth.

That's our stuff.

What's that?

That's our blanket.

Oh. Oh, my.

Oh, my goodness.

Yeah.

Okay, thank you.

Do you want to get off it?

Oh, he's out!

Yeah. Oh, god.

Thank you.

She asked him to leave.

God -- you're asking me to

Get off?

Yeah.

Can't you find your

Own place to go?

I thought I had. [ Laughs ]

No. Not here.

Obviously, I hadn't.

[ Chuckles ]

No, time to leave.

All right, all right.

Rejected immediately.

I'll go.

She's telling him he's out.

[ Laughter ]

Yay!

Joe is up at bat.

Who's the unlucky [bleep]

That I'm gonna join?

He's like a shark circling.

[ Laughter ]

What can I help you there with,

Guy?

It's starting to rain.

I was just trying to get some

Sun in before.

[ Laughs ]

You just go up to people

You don't know and

Sit down on their blanket?

You guys looked friendly.

I figured I'd join you.

I'm not that friendly.

[ Chuckles ]

Is it cool if I hang out, or?

No, I'm out, dude.

Oh.

[ Laughing ]

sh*t down.

Excuse me big guy...

Let's go

I should pack it up?

Gonna pack it up?

I don't know who the f***

You are

Yeah.

Get the f*** away from me.

Oh!

All right.

That's a shame.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah!

Okay, guys, I'm going in.

No, I have the cooler.

You can go to hell.

Murr's doing the old "pretend

I'm lost."

Yes, that's a good technique.

Let's see how it pans out.

Screw you. I'm sitting down.

I don't care. I'm sitting down.

You know what?

I'm sitting down exactly where

I am.

I don't care. I don't care.

Oh my god.

I don't care.

[ Laughter ]

No! Irene, no!

My girlfriend made me park the

Car, and I can't find her.

And I've been looking for a

Half-freaking-hour.

I'll see you back at the car

Later.

Bye.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Laughing ] is

He laying down?

[ Laughs ]

That mother [bleep]

I hate his guts.

Oh, no way!

They're just gonna let him stay?

[ Ding! ]

Come on!

Where's he going?

He's headed towards that

Empty blanket.

I don't see anyone.

Maybe they're in the ocean?

God knows whose blanket he's

About to sit on.

Yeah, this looks nice.

So, this could be -- it could

Be a huge guy...

I hope it's a huge guy.

...who looks like the

Incredible hulk.

[ Chuckles ]

[Bleep] I'm nervous.

I'm so nervous.

[ Laughs ]

Is that her?

She's looking that way.

She's looking right at him.

Suddenly, there's a cooler, a

Floaty --

And a -pound guy.

On the blanket.

[ Laughter ]

He's headed towards that

Empty blanket.

I don't see anyone.

Maybe they're in the ocean?

God knows whose blanket he's

About to sit on.

Yeah, this looks nice.

[ Laughs ]

Oh [bleep] I'm nervous.

I'm so nervous.

[ Laughs ]

Is that her?

She's looking that way.

She's looking right at him.

Suddenly, there's a cooler, a

Floaty --

And a -pound guy.

On the blanket.

[ Laughter ]

Looking right at you.

She's there.

[ Snoring ]

Sal's snoring, sal's snoring.

[ Laughs ]

Here she goes.

[ Laughs ]

Excuse me.

She's trying to wake him up.

Excuse me.

Oh, hey, bro.

[ Laughs ] "hey, bro"?

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

How are you?

Pretty good.

My blanket.

Oh, this is...

Oh, you know what it is?

I thought it was empty, so...

Oh, that's okay.

I'm sorry.

Come on. Come on.

Get him off your blanket.

That's your blanket, lady.

Hope the weather holds up.

[ Laughs ]

She's so friendly, he might

Get away with this.

How is this woman not telling

Him to get off the blanket?

"Get off the blanket"!

I have food and drink if you

Want something.

No, I'm good.

You sure?

Look, she's sitting down.

Where are you guys from?

He's k*lling her

With kindness.

Kindness. That's it, man.

It got news for her -- she's

Inviting him over

To dinner tonight.

The new one they have now is

"The addams family."

They have that?

Yeah, and it's with

Brooke shields.

That's the one that's, like, the

Big ticket right now.

She came over, woke him up.

He said, "what's up, bro?"

Now they're talking about

Broadway.

It's a nice day for us to be

Hanging out on the blanket.

I'm gonna take a

Little bit of snooze.

If you want to, wake me up in,

Like, a half-hour.

Okay.

Thank you.

[ Laughter ]

My god!

"Wake me up in a half-hour"?!

This is -- she just laid

Down.

She laid down next to him.

[ Ding! ]

[ Laughter ]

James and I just woke up from

Our snooze...

Oh, so nice.

...to find two

Losers to our right.

[ Buzzer ]

This didn't play

To our strengths.

Not at all.

It might have helped if you

Didn't look like a pineapple

From under the sea.

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: so far, "q" and joe

Have each dropped a deuce.

But who will be supreme king of

The losers?

We're in a grocery store.

The challenge is that we're

Gonna have to get someone to

Repeat back to us a very

Specific word.

If you can't get them to

Parrot that word back to you,

Game over, sucker.

[ Buzzer ]

Joe, get somebody to say the

Word "oodles."

Oh, I'm sorry, I was just --

I buy oodles of this stuff.

[ Laughter ]

You know what it's like when you

Buy oodles of things, right?

Yeah, yeah.

[ Chuckling ] yeah.

Grab them all.

You know, if it feels right,

Get oodles of it.

[ Laughter ]

You know?

So, are you gonna get oodles of

That, or what?

I don't know

I don't know what to...

You got to go with your oodle

Instinct.

I know, and see.

Right?

Nice meeting you.

Okay, nice meeting you.

Oh!

You suck!

Go up to somebody and get

Them to say the word "nougat."

Excuse me, did you see at."

Candy aisle anywhere?

I'm looking for nougat.

You know, like, it's almost like

A caramel -- like, nougat?

Yeah.

I hope he fails.

I only see, like, meats, and

I really need nougat.

It's at the very end.

There is?

Well...they may not have

Nougat.

[ Ding! ]

Oh!

Thank you.

I appreciate it more

Than you know.

[ Laughter ]

He's such a jerk.

[ Ding! ]

Murray, get someone to say

"Bolognese."

Bolognese?

Yeah, bolognese.

≫ um, have you seen the

Bolognese sauce?

No I did not.

You didn't?

No.

I mean, I saw it in the

Circular that they had it on

Sale, and I've been looking all

Over for bolognese.

I don't know where they

Would put it.

Their sauces are usually

Like right over here.

What other sauces do they have?

Like that...

...chimichurri.

I'm sure it's around.

He can't get him to say it.

[ Laughs ]

Yeah, it's really good.

Like, it's amazingly good

Bolognese sauce.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, sometimes you just need

Right I know.

To say it really loud like,

"Bolognese!"

And you just want to shout to

The heavens, "bolognese,

Bolognese," and no one says it.

Like, what the "f" does it take

To get somebody to say the

Word "bolognese"?

You're k*lling me right now!

You're k*lling me!

[ Laughter ]

That's a loss!

You have to get somebody to

Say the word "vis-à-vis."

Okay, "vis-à-vis"?

Do you know where I can get

Coconuts?

Like a whole coconut -- fresh

Coconut?

Yeah, like, vis-à-vis, like,

A coconut.

It makes no sense.

Like, vis-à-vis...

[ Laughs ]

...that little guy in there.

You know what I'm talking about?

I'm sorry, I have no idea.

Really, vis-à-vis?

About the coconut

Not about the vis-a-vis.

[ Ding! ]

Vis-à-vis?

Yeah!

Narrator: that's three losses

For joe, vis-à-vis two for "q"

And murr.

What will it take to get these

Customers into a new car?

Come on down to

Route automall...

Where we're selling cars

All day long!

The challenge is to get

Customers into the trunk.

It's gonna be bonkers!

All right, murray's up first.

Hi, guys, welcome to

Route .

How are you?

All right, murr, before you

Get them in the trunk, set the

Mood for these two people.

What I love about this car

Is, it's a little romantic.

[ Chuckles ]

If you're looking to get it

On, these seats go

All the way back.

You got to get

Them in the trunk.

These recline back.

Let me show you.

[ Chuckles ]

Keep your ass up.

Keep your ass up, murray.

We just...

[ Laughs ]

Back your ass up! Back it up!

No, more, more!

What I love about this car

Is, it's a little romantic.

[ Chuckles ]

If you're looking to get it

On.

These recline back, which is...

[ Laughs ]

Back your ass up! Back it up!

Oh, it's right over here --

The latch.

More, more!

[ Laughter ]

There we go. Almost.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughing ] there.

I mean, look at all the room

You've got, right?

If you're looking to hit this...

Demonstrate, murr.

You can do anything you want.

You can do, you know, a little

Bit like...

[ Laughter ]

Right?

Miss, take a look.

Miss -- no, no, no, no, no.

Don't leave.

Come back in the car.

Please, please come back.

[ Buzzer ]

Guys, I am getting someone

Into that trunk.

Excuse me, sir.

Check out this thing, man.

See this trunk in the center?

You could throw a body

In there, right?

Check it out.

[ Grunts ]

Oh, yeah, close it.

Let's try this.

Give it a close. We'll try it.

We'll see if we can fit a body

In here.

[ Laughs ]

Come on, you just

Whacked me. sh**t it.

Now go, "please, I'll get you

The money, I'll get

You your money!"

Please, I'll get you your

Money, I'll get you your money!

Please, don't do it!

You want to try getting in?

What the hell am I going

To do in a trunk?

[ Laughter ]

[ Pounding ]

Oh, hey!

Hey, man, fun time's over!

[ Laughter ]

[ Buzzer ]

Hi, how are you?

How are you?

Good.

You looking at an explorer?

Yeah.

Joe, before you try to get

This woman in the trunk, we got

Something for you to do in the

Front seat.

So, you get the navigation.

Joe, after every question,

Say, "let me go ask my manager,"

Get out of the car,

And come back.

The gps is there?

Let me ask my manager.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, that's the gps there.

Why is all these

Lights flickering?

Why are the

Lights flickering?

Let me ask my manager.

Oh.

[ Laughter ]

Flicker when the car's on.

Now, was there a specific price

Range you were looking at?

I want to lease it.

You want -- I got to check.

[ Laughter ]

Joe, keep walking around the

Car, but never find the manager.

Larry? Larry?

Larry? Larry?

Larry!

Larry! Larry!

Larry!

Oh, my god.

Larry? Larry?

Larry?!

[ Laughter ]

Can't -- can't find him.

What was the question?

[ Laughter ]

All right, now see if you can

Get her in the trunk.

This is the sentra.

People don't realize that

There's so much space in the

Sentra, because "sentra," in

Japanese, means "tiny."

Joe, ask her if she likes a

Lot of junk in her trunk.

So, do you like a lot of junk

In the trunk?

[ Laughter ]

That's not nice.

You can get in.

Okay, let me hold your coffee.

Put this over here.

And then -- so -- hey, guys,

We'll be right with you.

You could come in.

No, no, I'm good.

[ Laughs ]

She's not getting in.

Come on.

She's not getting in.

No.

Seriously.

Damn it.

Aw!

[ Buzzer ]

All right, buddy, it's all up

To you.

First, go up to those guys.

See if you can sell them a car.

How you doing, guys?

Welcome to route automall.

Bargain and go lower, buddy.

Well, this comes in around

$ , -- I can, uh, I can do

$ , .

I could do $ , .

[ Laughs ]

$ , , I could try.

[ Laughs ]

If they really want to make

The sale, I could probably do

$ , .

I mean, who said $ , ?

I didn't say $ , .

[ Laughter ]

Keep going.

I mean, really, if I can

Match that and get you it for

$ , , We could do it for

$ , .

Just keep going down.

If your dad comes in and says,

"I could work with $ , ,"

We'll get it for him for

$ , .

The best thing I

Could do is $ , .

Don't even ask for $ , ,

'Cause we'll do $ , .

[ Laughter ]

Sal, you have to get them in

The trunk.

It's a compact car.

Check it out and get in there.

Yeah?

Yeah, get in there.

I do it all the time.

We're in there all

Day and night.

[ Laughs ]

You can go completely

In the thing.

That's how big the trunk is.

Try it out, try it out.

You really think

I can get in here?

You can totally get in, dude.

All the way in?

I get in all the time.

He's getting in the car!

Just get in. Check it out.

Both of us get in?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, go in.

[ Laughs ]

Both of them?

He's getting two people in the

Trunk?

He's got it, he's got it.

You got this, you got this.

You've got this.

What did I tell you?

Now watch, watch.

[ Laughter ]

Oh!

Just to recap, guys, you got

The . -Liter dohc -cylinder

Engine, you got the

-Horsepower, torque.

[ Laughs ]

[ Ding! ]

Now, one of the great new

Features on the model --

Improved trunk space, big enough

For three losers.

Too bad your mother

Didn't come.

Oh, I didn't hear you.

Narrator: joe, "q," and murr

Got owned on the car lot, which

Means joe is the biggest loser.

Oh, no!

Narrator: so now he has to do

Something so disgusting, we

Can't even show it to you.

But we will.

Whoo!

≫ joe's getting punished.

We are back at

The beach, joey.

That's cool.

I love the beach.

Oh, you're not gonna love it

Today, my friend.

You're not gonna love it today.

We've driven down here to the

Beautiful jersey shore.

We're on the boardwalk.

We're gonna send joe out with

That sign and five envelopes

Containing five of the absolute

Worst punishments that we could

Think of, buddy.

Yeah, joe has got to let a

Random person pick the envelope,

And no matter how bad it is, he

Has to do whatever it says

Inside.

All right, joe, let's go.

He's in jersey.

He's going hard, or he's going

Home, you know?

Get her. Get the woman in the

Purple shirt.

How are you?

I'm good. How are you?

Good. I'm great.

[ Laughs ]

Just pick an envelope and

Tell me what it says I have

Put my toe in your mouth.

To do.

Pick out whatever you like.

Like that one?

There you go.

Let's see.

Put my toe in your mouth.

Whoa!

Do it! Do it! Do it!

Do it!

Joe, I'm okay with

You if you don't.

She hasn't washed

Her feet in five days.

You have to do it.

And she hasn't washed her

Feet in five...

Put her toe in your mouth.

Oh!

This is -- this is not right.

He's gonna do this.

This is --

[ Pretending to retch ]

[ Laughter ]

You enjoying this?

You're laughing?

[ Laughs ]

Don't do it.

No!

Oh, he's...

No!

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my god!

Thank you.

[ Laughter ]

Oh!

Oh, my god!

That was [bleep] gross.

Not you. Nothing against you.

It was just putting

A big toe in

My mouth.

Ugh. Oh.

No, sorry.

Sorry, I need antiseptic.

I couldn't have done that.

I have a disease through

Association.

Ugh.