Narrator: ...at a buffet...
Oh, my god, my favorite,
Y'all.
Are you crazy?
Narrator: ...at the park...
What the [bleep]
...and in a foreign-language
Class.
"Halt dein gesitcht, oma."
And that means, "shut your
Face, grandma!"
Narrator: plus, tonight's big
Loser has to pay the price of
Failure.
Excuse me!
[ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Pop! ]
We're at the jersey gardens
Mall, where we're gonna be
Analyzing handwriting.
All we're doing is saying
What we're told.
And if you refuse -- what? --
You lose.
Would you like a free
Handwriting analysis?
It's compliments of the mall,
It's totally free.
Free handwriting analysis?
You guys down to do it?
Yeah.
Great. Have a seat.
First sign your name.
"I can tell by your
Signature..."
I can tell by your
Signature...
"...that you're jewish."
...that you are jewish.
Yes.
...because of my kippah?
No, I could tell by your
Signature.
That's just backup proof.
[ Laughter ]
Let's write a sentence now,
Samuel.
"I'm going to an interview."
"I am going to an interview."
"Wish me diarrhea."
[ Laughs ]
"Wish me" -- "wish me...
Diarrhea."
"Diarrhea"?
Yes.
And the reason we write that is
Because --
No reason.
No reason.
[ Laughter ]
Now, you see how you didn't
Put a period at the end of the
Sentence?
"Do you know what that
Means?"
Do you know what that means?
It means that you, my friend...
"Have recently..."
...have recently...
"...had intercourse."
...had...
[ Laughter ]
No, I'm a virgin.
I've never had sex.
Oh, okay.
[ Ding! ]
Put your bag down. Relax.
Okay.
So, what I need you to do --
I need to you write a sentence
For me.
"Do you know..."
"Do you know..."
"...where a fella..."
"...where a fella..."
"...can get his hands..."
"...can get his hands..."
"...on a tampon?"
[ Laughter ]
"...on a tampon?"
[ Laughing ] oh.
[ Laughter ]
Interestingly, your signature
Is extremely strong.
"Hold up your pimp hands."
Uh...
"Show me your pimp hand."
Let me see -- let me see your
Pimp hand for a second.
My pimp hand?
Yeah, let me see it.
[ Laughs ]
You don't have a pimp hand?
I guess it would be
My right hand.
There you go.
Okay. So, let me see it.
"All right, just slap me
Gently across the face."
[ Laughter ]
Okay, I need to see how
Strong your pimp hand is.
Okay.
So, if you could just slap me
A little bit.
What?
I ain't got your money.
I ain't got your money.
Where's my money at, bitch?
[ Ding! ]
[ Laughter ]
You want a handwriting
Analysis?
Have a seat.
All right. Here we go.
Let's start.
Write your name there.
"I can tell by looking at
This..."
I can tell by looking at
This...
"...that you're preggers."
That...you're pregnant?
Is that --
No.
No?
She's in egypt.
She's in egypt?
Yeah.
"You should make a call."
You should make a call.
She's pregnant.
[ Record scratches ]
[ Laughter ]
You put your hand on his
Hand.
I just got to get a feel for
Your hand.
Go ahead. Ready?
Make him write this --
"I like my jacket."
"I like my jacket."
Don't let go of his hand.
"Q," make a phone call, but
Don't let go of his hand.
Sorry, I just need to take
This real quick.
[ Classical music plays ]
[ Keypad beeps ]
Hello?
Yes.
I'm still at work.
No, no, I'll be home by
Midnight.
"Q," just stroke his finger.
All right, well, what about
Like a...
[ Laughter ]
Yeah. Yeah.
No.
No.
Now pet his head.
[ Laughter ]
[ Ding! ]
And what was your name?
Maria.
Hi, maria.
Joe. Pleased to meet you.
Just write some numbers for me.
I'm just gonna throw out some.
Numbers.
Okay.
.
Write a .
"Your writing tilts to the
Left."
Your writing really tilts
To the left.
"Why did do you hate men?"
[ Record scratches ]
Why do you hate men?
I don't hate the...
They're a******
We're friends here.
Okay. See? Now, I knew it.
Overall, when I look at all of
This...
"I could tell right away..."
...i could tell right away...
"...that you are a hot
Woman."
...you are a hot woman...
"...trapped in an average
Woman's body."
Oh.
You --
That's a shame.
[ Laughs ]
Why? What's so terrible?
So, write one last thing.
Just write the word "loser,"
With a big arrow pointed right
At me.
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer! ]
Well, the handwriting's on
The wall -- joe's a loser.
This is not how you want to
Start, joey.
We are here at the southern
Smokehouse buffet, and we are
Starving!
[ Laughter ]
We're gonna follow patrons
Through the buffet and help
Ourselves to some food from
Their plates.
Yep.
The goal is to get as much
Food as you can off their plate.
At the end, we're gonna weigh
It.
Whoever's plate is the
Lightest loses.
Let's eat.
All right, guys, "q" is in.
Grab a plate. It's lunchtime.
Ugh.
Hi. How are you?
You seem very nice.
I'm not.
Okay.
[ Laughter ]
I wouldn't eat those.
Why are you over here
Bothering us?
We're not bothering you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't mean to bother you.
Ok.
Please leave us.
Okay. I'll leave you alone.
Everyone's shunning him.
Do you mind if I see what
You got on your plate there?
The jig is up.
I mean, you're supposed to be a
Ninja.
He's just chasing people around.
Now you are just harassing
People.
This is rough.
What's the matter, "q"?
This is a rough one, man.
I'm out.
Are you quitting?
He's quitting.
Yeah!
Go ahead, murr.
Get out there and stalk some
Prey.
Oh, that guy's looking for
You right there.
Oh, didn't work.
Oh. sh**t.
[ Speaks indistinctly ]
Oh.
[ Laughter ]
I'm sorry about that.
I thought that was on my plate.
I apologize.
[ Laughter ]
These people are serious
About their food.
Oh, my god.
That tree just almost fell out
There.
Huh?
That tree almost fell right
Out there.
It just waved in the branch and
Almost fell, the whole thing.
It happened right behind your
Head, man.
[ Laughter ]
He's confused.
[ Laughter ]
He is flipping out to them.
This crazy guy grabbed the
Rib off my plate.
All he did was get that one
Wing.
He's got one wing and a corn
On the cob.
She's got two plates.
Oh, my god, he's going for
The whole plate.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
Here he goes.
Aw!
He blew it!
[ Laughs ]
That was a pound in one sh*t.
Are these good, do you think?
Oh yes, I love them.
Really?
Yeah.
And then what are those?
That's okra.
Let me see.
No. No. No.
Okra? That's perfect.
I'm just gonna...
[ Ding! ]
[ Laughter ]
Wow.
Thank you so much.
Man, that's gonna hurt us.
Wow.
That's gonna hurt us.
Oh, yes!
All right, pound, ounces.
Sal thinks he's gonna be
Invincible in this one.
I'm gonna go in with reckless
Abandon like you've never seen
Sal before.
Let's go, fearless.
Oh, my god, delicious!
[ Laughter ]
Oh, my god, my favorite, y'all.
Love it.
[ Laughter ]
[ Chuckles ]
[ Laughter ]
Look at her face!
She doesn't know what to do.
Did you just see what he did?
He put his hand on my plate.
Here he goes.
Oh!
Loco, boss?
Are you crazy?
Hey, hey, hey.
Que te pasa?
No, no, no, I just wanted --
Where did you find this one?
It's my favorite.
Fo f*** yourself.
[ Laughter ]
The amount of dirty looks
That are getting thrown your
Way...
This is mayhem going on out
Here.
This is complete mayhem.
[ Laughter ]
I'm scared for my life.
The tide has turned, buddy.
Get out of there, man.
Get out. Get out.
Move your ass.
Here we go.
One pound!
For all your bluster,
Mr. Vulcano.
[ Ding! ]
All right, joey, you got to
b*at one pound.
[ Scatting ]
[ Laughter ]
Here goes scatman crothers.
There he goes!
[ Laughing ] oh, my god.
[ Scatting ]
[ Ding! ] [ Ding! ]
[ Ding! ] [ Ding! ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughing ] he grabbed her
Whole plate!
[ Scatting ]
He just came up and
Grabbed everything...
...it was so unbelieveably rude.
Oh!
Oh!
This is getting interesting.
[ Scatting ]
[ Scatting ]
[ Ding! ] [ Ding! ]
[ Laughing ] he grabbed her
Whole plate!
[ Scatting ]
He just came up and
Grabbed everything...
This is getting interesting.
[ Laughing ] oh, my god.
Joe trying to take his food.
[ Laughing ] he's trying to take
His food!
[ Laughter ]
[ Scatting ]
[ Laughter ]
It's like a chess match.
[ Scatting ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Scatting ]
Oh, my god.
[ Laughter ]
Come on. Come on. Come on.
[ Scatting ]
Come on.
[ Scatting ]
[ Ding! ]
[ Laughter ]
Let's see what you got,
Buddy.
[ Scatting ]
Ah!
Not even a pound!
[ Scatting ] pbht!
[ Buzzer! ]
Loser!
Truly sorry this turned out
For you this way, joe, but for
Us, can we see a little more
Scatting?
What do you think, I'm just
Gonna -- [ scatting ]
After blowing at the buffet,
Joe has two losses on his plate,
While "q" the quitter weighs in
With one.
We're here at fluent
Brooklyn, and we're teaching
A foreign language.
The goal is to get a student
To sign up for our class.
We have no idea what language
We're gonna be teaching, and if
You don't get a student to sign
Up, you lose.
Murr gets a pass on this one
'Cause he basically speaks every
Language.
Go ahead, bubbe. Prove it.
Oh, come on, guys.
I -- all right.
[ Speaking foreign languages ]
Armenian:
Is this your poodle?
Dutch:
I can't find my stepmom.
Chinese:
The milk has gone bad.
Touché.
How are you?
Have a seat right over there.
Quinn's up.
Are you ready to learn a new
Language?
Yes, I am.
So am i.
Italian!
[ Laughter ]
Okay.
Teach her how to talk using
Her hands.
You ever see an italian talk?
They're like, "oh!"
When you speak to italians, it's
Best to always wave your hands
Around.
All right.
[ Laughter ]
That's right. Just keep --
Keep doing it. Keep doing it.
Two, two, two, two, two.
[ Laughter ]
Okay, great.
Well, what I have here is some
Flash cards.
Okay, "ciao, prostitita.
Quanto?"
[ Laughter ]
Ciao prostituta, quanto?
"Hello, prost*tute.
How much?"
[ Laughter ]
Okay, here we go.
I aspetti un bambino o solo
Grasso?
Which means?
Which means, "are you
Pregnant or just fat?"
[ Laughter ]
So, what do you think?
Do you think you would like to
Take some italian courses here
With me?
Yeah, it'd be fun.
Yeah?
Aw!
Come on, man.
Grazie!
[ Ding! ]
My name's sal.
Annette.
Nice to meet you.
No problem.
Have a seat right here.
Let's see what we're doing
Today.
They have me teaching a bunch
Of -- ah, uh, german.
[ Laughter ]
"Say good morning."
Say good morning.
Guten morgen.
Now say it angry german.
Germans speak more like,
"Guten morgan!"
Guten morgen.
Sal, you can't get angry
Enough.
Do you know how to say "no"?
Nein.
"Nein!"
Nein!
Let's just improvise a
Conversation here and see
How we do.
[ Laughter ]
We can improvise a
Conversation.
So, let's say we are hiking in
The woods.
I get att*cked by a bear.
Mm-hmm.
You have to save my life.
Oh no.
Ready? Go.
[Bleep]
[ Shouting indistinctly ]
Aah!
Nein!
Nein-ein-ein!
- -
What?
Nein-ein-ein!
- -
Nein-ein-ein!
Oh!
- -
[ Laughter ]
Hallo?
Yes. Yes.
Help?
[ Laughter ]
Let's do some more
Conversational pieces.
I have some flash cards and
Stuff.
"Halt dein gesitcht, oma."
[ Both laugh ]
And that means...
Yeah?
..."Shut your face, grandma!"
[ Laughter ]
So, right now, can you -- would
You want to take my german
Class?
Let's see what we're doing
Today.
They have me teaching a bunch
Of -- ah, uh, german.
[ Laughter ]
Do you know how to say "no"?
Nein.
"Nein!"
[ Laughter ]
Nein!
Can you -- would you want to
Take my german class?
I would.
Ah!d.
Ah!
That's a definite "ja!"
[ Ding! ]
Let's see what we are
Teaching today.
Okay, so -- oh, portuguese.
So, we're gonna do some
Portuguese today.
Okay.
Right now I'd like to...
"Sing a portuguese love song
To you."
[ Laughter ]
...sing a portuguese love
Song.
Let me think which one I want to
Sing 'cause I know so many
Portuguese love songs.
[ Laughter ]
[ Vocalizes ]
[ Chuckles ]
[ Singing indistinctly ]
She looks shell-shocked.
[ Singing indistinctly ]
[ Laughter ]
All right, so, let's get into
Our flash cards.
Okay, so, "gostaria de ir a um
Encontro com o seu professor?"
He's stalling.
You're not gonna get out
Of it.
Say it.
That's "would you like to go
On a date with your teacher?"
No!
Oh, that was easy.
You remembered "no" so easily.
[ Laughter ]
Would you like to sign up for
My class?
I want to take spanish.
Oh!
Shutdown!
Oh, how the mighty have
Fallen.
Narrator: that's tres losses
For jose, and we're just moments
Away from crowning the king of
The losers.
When it's all over, who will be
Sitting on the throne?
Sal, how come whenever you
Meet a pretty latina, you have
To like tell her you're
Half-cuban?
Number one, I am cuban.
No, if a girl comes up to you
And she's like, "hola," you're
Like, "hey, qué pasa?!"
All of a sudden you're
Cheech marin.
[ Laughter ]
He's a mexican, you [bleep]
Guys, I just want to dance.
[ Laughter ]
Today we're in the park,
Where the challenge is you have
To go up to strangers and dance
With them.
Yeah, you have to get
Somebody to dance with you, but
You're not allowed to say a
Word.
If you can't get them to
Dance with you, you lose.
Sal's making his way on to
The dance floor.
That's your guy, sal.
Get your boogie shoes on.
Here he goes.
Let me see.
[ Laughter ]
He went to a shimmy.
Who is gonna break first?
Oh, no.
He switched it up.
I'm gonna count to .
At the end of , I'm gonna
Pour this all over you.
Okay. Don't pour that on me.
I'm sorry.
[ Laughter ]
Not even close.
Joe, get the guy laying down.
What the f***?
[ Laughter ]
Oh, that is so weird-looking.
There's no way in hell that
Guy's dancing with him.
Dude, you're freaking me out.
Get the f*** away from me!
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer! ]
It's my turn to make an ass
Out of myself.
You got to get those two old
Ladies.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]
He's putting the hand out.
He's putting out the olive
Branch.
Yeah, but are they gonna
Join in?
No way.
[ Laughs ]
Fail.
[ Buzzer! ]
All right, "q," it all comes
Down to you, buddy.
Those girls are all yours.
Years we have known
Brian quinn.
I've never seen him dance at a
Wedding, on a vacation.
I have never seen him dance.
[ Laughter ]
What is he doing?
You see this guy?
He's got nothing.
This is some [bleep] dance
Moves right here, man.
He's trying.
No, he can't do it.
Oh, my god, she's getting up.
She's not dancing yet.
Together: oh!
[ Ding! ]
She danced!
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
You were cheating.
You were mouthing the words!
Doesn't matter.
I didn't say anything.
Let's ask the girls.
Yeah, we'll get to the bottom
Of this.
Did he say something to you?
He said, "please,
So I can stop."Omething to you?
He said, "please,
So I can stop."
What?!
So I can end it, please.
Oh, you son of a bitch!
You son of a bitch!
You're a cheater!
Cheater!
You lied!
[ Buzzer! ]
Ah, what a d*ck!
"Q," are you the only loser.
Agreed? Agreed?
Agreed.
[ Imitates expl*si*n ]
She's lying.
She's clearly lying.
Narrator: even with "q's"
Loss, joe is tonight's big
Loser.
We've been waiting for this
Day for a while, joey.
Yeah, I'll tell you right
Now -- this one's gonna get you,
Bud.
Joe's game play was full of
Crap.
As a result, we've brought
Him to this nice little coffee
Shop.
You're gonna go in that
Bathroom, which is out of toilet
Paper, and have to open that
Door -- I mean open that door
Right into the coffee shop.
Pants down, begging for
Toilet paper.
Okay.
[ Laughter ]
This man has no fear.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
All right, he's going in.
There he is.
Excuse me!
I need a little help!
You're gonna go in that
Bathroom, which is out of toilet
Paper, and you have to open that
Door and beg for help.
All right, he's going in.
There he is.
[ Laughter ]
Excuse me!
I need a little help!
I ran out of toilet paper.
A little help?
Can -- can someone get me some
Toilet paper?
I just took a huge [bleep] and I
Only have this much left.
It's a mess in here.
Ma'am, I know you see me.
Could you get someone?
He doesn't even care.
He has no shame.
Can anyone help me, please?!
Please!
This is the last piece of toilet
Paper!
[ Laughter ]
Why does he never look
Nervous?
It's not even fazing him.
[ Applause ]
[ Laughter ]
You got to be kidding me.
You got to be kidding me.
Why, what happened?
You don't have a shameful
Bone in your body.
Hey, I needed toilet paper.
Be ashamed of something.
Your pants were around your
Ankles.
Don't be mad at me that you
Can't get me.
I'm going to get you.
I promise you.
All right.
I bet you you don't.
I'm going to.
I didn't wash my hands.
Ugh!
[ Laughter ]
01x07 - Out of TP
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.