Narrator: coming up, the guys
Force murray to take his licks.
[ Laughter ]
Ohh!
Narrator: sal gets too close
For comfort.
We're both in this bed.
Look how much room is still
Left.
Both: pat him down.
Pat him down.
Narrator: and joe puts his
Hands where they don't belong.
You got some kind of an i.d.
Or something?
Narrator: plus, tonight's big
Loser gets a nose full of nasty.
[ Laughter ]
We're here at ikea in the
Bedding department, and we are
Going to be wearing an earpiece,
And we have to do what each
Other tell us to do.
If you don't do what we tell
You to do, you lose.
You lose. This is fun.
[ Laughs ]
All right. Get ready for next.
All right, murr, sell some
Furniture.
Crawl under that bed.
Get under that bed behind you.
Oh, here comes somebody.
Here comes somebody.
Scare this guy in the blue.
Rawr!
Whoa!
[ Laughter ]
What are you looking for?
Queen or full.
Queen or full. Okay.
So, have a seat in this one.
Hop in! Jump in!
Ahh!
[ Laughter ]
Let me show you this. Okay?
So, this bed -- the great thing
About this is --
Great for back rubs.
[ Chuckles ]
Okay?
So, it's great for back rubs --
This bed in particular.
Show her.
So, for example, if you have
A gentleman over -- lay down.
I'll show you.
[ Laughter ]
I'll show you.
And you have a gentleman over.
He's straddling her!
And he just starts, you know.
You see how much room you have
Here?
Tammy, you got a knot there.
What's that?
Ohh! Got to love it!
Get in bed.
Cuddle up with her.
Isn't this just so comfy?
[ Laughter ]
Ask her if you can take a
Picture of her in bed to send to
Your ex-girlfriend.
I have a favor to ask.
I've got an ex-girlfriend.
I want to send her a picture to
Get jealous.
Can you take a photo of us?
[ Laughter ]
Just come here.
[ Ding! ]
All right, sal.
Sal's about to go in, and we
Have planted a few props around
The bedding department that he
Doesn't know about.
We chose the worst photo.
...photo we had.
We went to the archives.
Yeah, and we just --
Oh.
[ Laughter ]
I'm taking it down.
You leave it up there.
Sal, don't take it down!
You're employee of the month!
[ Sighs ]
[ Laughter ]
Take the comforter off
Entirely.
Show her.
[ Laughing ] take
It all the way off.
[ Sighs ]
[ Laughter ]
Take it off!
[ Chuckles ]
Is that you?
Yeah, it's me.
[ Laughter ]
You have size for the full
Mattress, or did you measure out
Including frame?
Spoon him. Sal, spoon him!
[ Sighs ]
[ Laughter ]
You spoon with him!
Put your feet up.
If I was in -- like, if we were
In the...
All right.
[ Laughter ]
Okay.
And...
[ Laughter ]
This is, like -- look. Now look.
We're both in this bed.
Look how much room is still
Left.
[ Laughter, clapping ]
I'm going to move over.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right.
Plenty of room for two
People.
Fall asleep on him, sal!
[ Laughter ]
Okay, man.
[ Laughter, clapping ]
Hey, how you doing?
Hi.
Can I help you guys?
Mid...mid-beam.
What is that?
Oh, the mid-beam is underneath
For support.
But if we're buying the
Bed base...
...we don't need that.
"But if you're gonna bone on
It..."
You know, if you -- if you
Have -- have, uh -- you know, if
You, uh...
Uh, if, you know, if you have,
Uh, you know, uh...
[ Chuckles nervously ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Laughter ]
Need help, sir?
Put the sheet over his head
And make him act like a ghost.
And do ghost sounds!
Ready? Watch this.
[ Laughter ]
Wooooooooooooo!
Woooooooooooooooooooo!
[ Laughter ]
That's really cool.
[ Chuckles ]
Woooooooooooooooooooo!
[ Laughter ]
Watch.
All: ohh!
[ Applause ]
[ Laughter ]
Woooooooooooooooooooo!
[ Laughs ]
Q, put another one on
Yourself!
Walk around the store.
Go scare people.
Put in on! Put it on!
Follow me! Follow me!
Go scare people!
Wooooooooooooo!
He's doing it! He's doing it!
Keep going! He's doing it!
He's following you!
Woooooooooooooooooooo!
[ Laughter ]
Wooooooooooooo!
[ Laughter ]
Hey, q.
Yeah?
Walk over to that bed.
Open the drawer.
[ Chuckles lightly ]
Why don't you take out that
Monkey and just get dressed in
Those pajamas, okay?
This is what we did?
[ Laughter ]
Who's responsible for this?
You know that picture you
Picked out of me for "employee
Of the month"?
Yeah?
How you doing?
Walk around the whole area
Sucking your thumb.
[ All chuckling ]
Rub your eyes like you're
Sleepy.
[ Laughter ]
Rub your eye, you sleepy monkey!
Ask him to tuck you in.
Tuck me in?
I'm looking for something like t
But not so small.
Go ahead. Tuck me in.
Hold that.
Get in.
That's it.
Could you tuck me in?
[ Laughs ]
Ask him to read you a story.
Sid, sid! I need a story!
[ Record scratches ]
Once upon a time...
Yay! Story!
[ Lullaby music plays ]
Three bears.
Yeah? Three bears?
Momma bear...
Papa bear...
[ Laughter ]
And the baby bear said...
Yeah!
Cuddle up to him!
Yeah, cuddle up to him!
Cuddle up to him!
[ Laughing ]
[ Laughter ]
All right, what do you want
To know?
I mean, that'd be good,
But...
This guy still thinks he
Works here.
It is unbelievable.
He was just laying in bed with
Him!
He's got a monkey on his head,
He's in pajamas!
The guy's like, "does this slot
Come in [bleep] birch veneer?"
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughing ] this
Comes in birch.
[ Ding! ]
Joe, get in the bed.
Get completely under the covers.
Hey, guys, you need any help,
Or...?
Nope, we're good.
You're just looking around?
You guys need help?
[ Laughter ]
You guys need help? You okay?
[ Laughter ]
You're finding
Everything all right?
[ Laughter ]
Let's have a pillow fight.
You can do it!
Come on!
Come on! Come on!
Damn it.
Let's go, everybody.
Here you go.
We're gonna have a big pillow
Fight.
Arm up. Let's go.
Give everybody a pillow!
Everybody, arm up.
Let's go. Get ready.
It's ikea pillow fight.
Friday night ikea pillow fight.
Let's do this dance!
Three, two, one...
[ Screaming ] do it! Do it!
Do it!
Look what we got happening!
[ Screaming ]
Get everyone!
[ Laughter ]
[ Ding! ]
Narrator: sal couldn't close
The deal.
Now he's on the loser board.
We're down at the beach
Taking turns as official
Greeters for the
Boardwalk welcoming committee.
We're gonna be saying things
That are pretty unwelcoming,
Though, because we're telling
Each other what to say and do.
All right, the challenge is
To do what you're told.
And, of course, if you
Refuse, you lose.
[ Buzzer ]
I'm feeling friendly today,
Guys.
I got to be honest.
Oh, are you friendly?
I don't trust it.
Is it the weather?
You gonna enjoy the beach
Today?
Probably not.
Okay, well, if you do...
"Keep an eye out.
You'll see a lot of what the
Locals call..."
You'll see a lot of what the
Locals call...
"Boobies."
[ Chuckling ] and -- and...
Boobies.
A lot of boobies out there
Today.
[ Laughing ] enjoy the beach.
Hey, guys!
Hi. How are you?
I'm from the welcoming
Committee on the boardwalk.
Give one of them a piggyback
Ride.
[ Chuckling ] okay.
Okay.
Here's what we're gonna do.
One of you lucky ladies just won
A piggyback ride.
Piggy back ride, to where?
[ Laughter ]
Run. Run as fast as you can.
[ g*nsh*t ]
[ Laughter ]
[ "William tell overture"
Plays ]
Alright, I'm done.
Don't put her down!
Don't put her down.
[ Laughter ]
[ Ding! ]
Tell them there's a sunscreen
Warning today.
There is a sunscreen warning
Today, just so you know.
"Don't touch my [bleep]
Sunscreen."
I'm just warning you.
Don't touch my [bleep]
Sunscreen.
Go away.
[ Laughter ]
[ Ding! ]
Guys, how are you today?
Just checking everybody, saying
Hello.
Both: pat him down.
Pat him down. Pat him down.
You mind doing a -- security
Purposes -- a quick pat-down?
What?
A pat-down?
A quick pat-down?
Yeah.
Appreciate it.
How come you're doing this?
[ Laughter ]
You know, we just increased
Security with everything that's
Going on around here today.
You a cop?
You a cop?
Thanks, man.
No, I'm with the welcoming
Committee.
You gotta some kinda id thing?
Id or somethin'?
I'm the welcoming committee.
You can't be pattin' me down.
You wanna get a cop
To pat me down.
You aint a cop!
Okay, that's fine.
All: ohh!
You got to tighten the screws
Here.
Go up to the guy sitting down
And tell him to be careful.
The sharks have been targeting
Blacks lately.
Come on, guys.
You got to be [bleep] kidding
Me.
[ Laughter ]
[ "Jaws" theme plays ]
Did you go in the water?
Huh?
Did you go in
The water today?
Yeah.
Nice out there?
Had to. Yeah, it was great.
Yeah?
There's no way
He's gonna say this.
I heard...
I heard we had to be careful
Today because there was a -- the
Sharks were out there.
Really?
Yeah.
Wow.
They were targeting...
Say it!
Go up to the guy sitting down
And tell him to be careful.
The sharks have been targeting
Blacks lately.
Come on, guys.
You got to be [bleep] kidding
Me.
[ Laughter ]
Did you go in the water?
Huh?
Did you go in
The water today?
Yeah.
Nice out there?
Had to. Yeah, it was great.
Yeah?
There's no way
He's gonna say this.
I heard...
I heard we had to be careful
Today because there was a -- the
Sharks were out there.
Really?
Yeah.
Wow.
They were targeting...
No, no, no, no.
[ Buzzer ]
Ohh!
You suck, dude.
Gorgeous day.
Ask that guy if he wants you
To take a picture of the two of
Them.
Would you guys like a picture
Of both of you?
Murray, just take a picture
Of their crotch.
[ Laughing ] no way.
He's not. No way.
Take a picture.
Okay, ready?
One, two, three.
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
[ Laughter ]
One more?
Now just take a picture of
Your crank.
[ Laughing ]
Ready?
[ Laughing ] one...
No way.
Come on. Do it.
Ready? One...
No, he isn't!
...two, three.
[ Laughter ]
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
Okay, give me the camera back.
That's a keeper.
You son of it --
Narrator: joe got b*rned at
The beach, tying sal with one
Loss apiece.
Do we have fascinating lives?
[ Snorts ]
We want to know, so today
We're holding a focus group.
We'll be telling our life
Stories via a slideshow
Presentation.
The catch is that we haven't
Seen any of these slides because
We've written them for each
Other.
At the end, we're gonna ask
Them, "how likely are you to buy
This book on a scale from to
?"
And whoever gets the lowest
Score loses.
I recently got a book deal.
So, basically, I just have a
Brief slide presentation that
Covers, like, some of the
Chapters, overview, and themes
Of the book.
I run through them with you,
Answer the quick questionnaire,
And you're out.
All right.
The book is tentatively
Titled "life."
That's me -- sal vulcano.
[ Click ]
Uh...
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughing ] a twin
Step-sister!
It's as mind-blowing to me as
It is to you.
[ Laughter ]
[ Claps ]
Uh...okay, now, this is my
Hotness ranking of disney
Princesses.
[ Laughter ]
First, you got ariel as the
Mermaid.
[ Laughter ]
Second, ariel as a human.
[ Laughter ]
And then the girl [chuckling]
Lion from "the lion king."
Because, really, you know, that
Is one [voice
Cracking] hot lion.
[ Laughter ]
Nitty-gritty stuff.
[ Laughter ]
This is, uh...
[ Chuckles ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Chuckling ] this is my -- I'm
Not sure who that is.
[ Laughter ]
"My top favorite outfits on
Ryan seacrest."
Blazer, button-down shirt,
Khakis -- that's your standard
Seacrest.
Button-down shirt, cute sweater
Vest...
[ Laughter ]
And a tuxedo.
Who doesn't look good in that?
[ Laughing ]
This is two turtles [bleep]
[ Laughter, clapping ]
So, that's basically it.
Thank you guys so much.
I really appreciate it.
Good luck with the book.
Thanks a lot, guys.
Really?
[ Laughing ] are you serious?
You [bleep]
Well, this specific
Question -- "how likely are you
To buy this book?"
Hey, listen, they liked it.
Throw a number out there.
Eight.
Eight.
What?
I'll take the eight.
I'll take the eight!
How did you get an eight?
Hi. How are you?
Come on in, guys.
Okay, so it's "life" by me.
Here we go.
[ Record scratches ]
Um...
Okay, so it's "life" by me.
Here we go. So...
Um...
[ Laughter ]
"Things people don't know about
Me."
Believe it or not [chuckling] I
Have never been kissed on the
Mouth.
[ Laughter ]
Next slide.
This is, uh...
[ Laughter ]
This is when I almost got kissed
On the mouth.
[ Laughter ]
Next.
[ Stifled ] "my level of fear by
Race."
[ Laughter ]
Yellow people's a whopping %.
[ Laughter ]
"The number..."
[ Sighs ]
[ Laughing ] we do...
Even she's breaking.
[ Laughter ]
"The number of dumps I take when
I'm constipated" -- which is
Zero.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughing ] this is my actual
Okcupid profile.
[ Laughter ]
And, yes, you should message me
If you're sassy, fun,
Passionate, and intrigued.
And that's it.
[ Laughter ]
[ Clapping ]
I would buy it just to
Make myself laugh.
Come on, give me some...
Come on, come on, come on!
Eight! Yes!
I got a frickin' eight.
So, let's get started.
[ Laughter ]
It's gross.
[ Laughter ]
[ Voice cracking ] next slide.
"How I made my money."
One, of course -- stocks and
Bonds.
Two was stockings and bondage.
The third one was [laughs]
Chicken stock and james bond.
[ Laughter ]
Because...
You see what happened here.
[ Laughter ]
It starts with stocks and bonds.
It goes to -- it's very clever.
[ Laughter ]
And then chicken stock and
James bond, because who doesn't
Like a good bowl of soup while
You're watching "octopussy."
[ Laughter ]
"Things people don't know about
Me."
I'm not sure how to spell
"Percieved," and I'm pretty sure
That's spelled [laughing]
Incorrectly.
[ Laughter, clapping ]
[ Chuckles ]
Next slide.
[ Laughter ]
"The number of girls I bang
[Laughing] every day."
Sunday is my big day.
[ Cash register dings ]
[ Laughter ]
And that's it.
So, basically, that's
[Laughing] my -- that's my book.
I'm probably not
Gonna buy the book.
Right.
I felt he was kind of all over
The place.
[ Drumroll ]
Three.
Ohh!
[ Laughs ]
Yeah!
[Bleep]damn it.
Suck!
Please, sit. Have a seat.
I'm brian quinn.
[ Chuckles ]
Here we go.
[ Baby cries ]
[ Chuckles ] white baby!
[ Laughter, clapping ]
That's me as a baby.
That's not bad, right?
All right, "things I'm
Not proud of."
dr*gs.
Little bit [laughing] with the
Heroin.
[ Laughter ]
Boom.
"My vices"!
[ Chuckles ] gambling --
Blackjack.
[ Chuckling ] prostitutes --
Black jackie.
[ Laughter ]
[ Clapping ]
So, and that's it!
Thank you so much.
[ Laughter ]
I've never seen you cr*ck
Like that.
I couldn't stop laughing.
"I identified with many ideas
Presented"?
No.
Oh, you're done.
Your goose is cooked.
[Bleep]
One.
One!
Lowest of the day!
Narrator: looks like q won't
Be making the bestseller list.
If you could swap lives with
One of us, who would it be?
I'm gonna go with sal 'cause
His life so closely resembles
Mine that I feel there would be
No adjustment period.
[ Laughs ]
Keeping with that, I'd
Probably swap with you, as well.
We are at casale jewelers,
Playing jewelry experts helping
Couples in love.
We got to do and say what
We're told, and if you refuse,
You lose!
Sal's gonna get a pass on
This one because he's kind of
Useless around people in love.
[ Voice breaking ] it's that
I hold love in such high regard.
It's not something
To be toyed with.
It's --
That's what we're looking to
Avoid here.
It's all right, man.
Love is an institution.
[ Laughter ]
It's okay, man.
Let's put this over here so
You can see a little bit of the
Case there.
Joe is such a salesman.
Now, emerald cut?
You like anything --
The only thing I don't
Like is marquis.
Oh, okay.
So, we don't know what the
[Bleep] that is.
[ Laughter ]
Joe, take a look at the guy's
Pierced eyebrow.
You got the face ring and
Everything.
[ Laughs ] "I pierced my ball
Myself."
I tried a ball pierce once.
[ Laughing ]
Oh!
By myself.
It was accidental.
[ Laughter ]
Joe, breathe on the ring to
Clean it.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh! [ Blows ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Blows ]
[ Gags ]
[ Blows ]
This machine is busted, so...
Pbht!
[ Laughter ]
Pbht!
[ Laughter ]
[ Blowing, hissing, spitting ]
[ Laughter ]
Put it on her finger now.
[ Laughing ] now put it on
Her hand.
[ Blows ]
[ Laughter ]
Clean as a whistle.
[ Blowing ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Ding! ]
How long you guys been
Together?
Two years.
Two years?
Marriage is a big commitment,
Man.
"Are you guys happy
Sexually?"
So, like, s--
Sexually...
[ Laughter ]
Everything's okay?
Everything's great with us.
Wink at him.
[ Ding! ]
[ Chuckles ]
[ Laughing ] keep
Winking at them.
[ Ding! ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Ding! ]
[ Laughing ] keep winking.
[ Ding! ]
[ Laughter ]
Aww.
Aww. I like that.
[ Ding! ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Ding! ] I like that.
[ Laughter ]
Winking at her.
[ Ding! ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter, clapping ]
I forgot what I'm winking
About at this point.
[ Laughter ]
"Can I confess something to
You?"
Can I confess something to
You?
"When the store closes..."
When the store closes...
"...i try on all the jewelry
Naked."
[ Chuckling ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughing ] say it, q.
Say it.
[ Record scratches ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
Let's take a look at this.
Gorgeous!
"I know for a fact, though,
This diamond was smuggled."
This has an interesting story
Behind it.
This ring was smuggled.
Oh.
"In an anus."
[ Chuckling ] inside the --
Inside the smuggler's anus.
Aah!
[ Chuckling ] we -- we wash
It first.
Like, you can't -- right?
There's nothing.
[ Laughter ]
Smell it. Nothing, right?
There's nothing there.
Smells good.
Let me show this. Come here.
Murr, lean right on him.
[ Chuckling ] what are you
Doing?
Put your face on his bald
Head.
I want your cheek
On his bald head.
That's it.
That's it.
That's it?
Let me just get it.
[ Laughter ]
This -- you got a fat neck!
[ Laughter ]
I -- you're --
Kiss his forehead.
Kiss his forehead.
Let me -- mwah!
That's scratchy.
[ Laughter ]
It's, like, stubbly. It's --
[ Laughter ]
Lick his head.
Do it.
Right now.
Lick it.
Ohh, my god!
Oh, my god!
[ Ding! ]
[ Laughter ]
My god!
Too bad, q. Too bad.
I...
What happened, buddy?
Something like
This happened. Bleh!
Aah!
Gross!
[Bleep] you!
Come on!
Are you crazy?!
Narrator: so, it was q who
Really took a licking at the
Jewelry store, and that makes
Him tonight's big loser.
This one's actually kind of
Easy, q.
You just got to go out there and
Guess what's the last thing
Someone ate.
How am I supposed to guess
What people ate?
I'll take this one!
[ Laughing ]
You have to have people come
Up to you, take the deepest
Breath they can, and just spray
Your nose down with
Their breath.
Ugh!
It's gonna be amazing.
They're gonna be breathing
All up in this area.
Are you insane?
I mean, right on your f--
Like, ahh!
One other detail, q.
You can't stop until you guess
Correctly.
Yeah, so you got to keep
Going until you get it.
Good luck.
[ Chuckling ]
What do you have to do out here?
I have to try and guess the
Last thing that you ate by
Smelling your breath.
[ Record scratches ]
That sucks!
You ain't [bleep] kidding.
What do you have to do out here?
I have to try and guess the
Last thing that you ate by
Smelling your breath.
You want to help me out here?
Go for it.
All right. All right.
[ Blows ]
Oh, boy.
Oh, my god!
Was it like a fish meal?
No.
Ohh!
It wasn't toothpaste, right?
[ Laughter ]
Oh, my god, dude.
This guy ate something
Fierce. I know it.
Oh, my god!
All right, ready?
Yeah.
Go.
[ Laughing ] look at him!
[ Laughter ]
Oh, boy! Keep going.
I'm getting there. Wow! Oh, wow!
Oh, gee-- well, you
Definitely smoke.
Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Okay. Okay.
I'm gonna say...
Jalapeño poppers.
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
Lox and cream cheese.
Lox and cream cheese!
All: ohh!
On a bagel.
So, smoked salmon.
Okay.
[ Exhales ]
Uh...oats.
Poached egg.
[ Buzzer ]
All: ohh!
They blow their breath in my
Mouth, and it settles onto my
Tongue, and I can taste them --
Their essence.
[ Exhales ]
[ Exhales ]
[ Exhales ]
Uh, it was like...
Tuna fish?
You ate a tuna-fish sandwich
Today.
No.
Ugh!
[ Buzzer ]
My stomach is, like,
Flip-flopping.
[ Horse neighing ]
Oh [bleep] hell.
Quit complaining, or we'll
Make you guess what the horse
Ate.
[ Laughing ]
Right in the...
[ Exhales ]
It's gross!
Was it a gallon of sour milk?
[ Laughter ]
[ Exhales ]
Okay. One more.
[ Exhales ]
Oh, my god.
Was it -- was it bacon?
Yes!
It was bacon?!
Yes.
It was bacon?!
Yes!
It was bacon!
Oh, well done.
Yes!
Whoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!
[ Laughs ]
01x10 - What Did I Eat?
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.