02x03 - Art att*ck
Posted: 03/18/23 18:09
(male narrator)
Coming up, the guys make
Murr rub one out
at the comic-book shop.
(Joe)
'How do you eskimo kiss
a stranger?'
- 'There's no way.'
- Hey, man. Thank you so much.
(male narrator)
Sal slips up
at the grocery store.
(Joe)
'Hurry up, Sal.
You're not gonna make it.'
[laughter]
Hands up, bro. Come on.
(male narrator)
Q loses it in public.
And we're not gonna
take it anymore!
(male narrator)
Plus, tonight's big loser
has a major art att*ck.
[laughter]
It's a beautiful day in the
park, and romance is in the air.
And we're gonna have to
walk up to strangers
and convince them
to hold our hand.
Whoever can't get a stranger
to hold their hand loses.
So, we're gonna either get
punched or fall in love.
[laughter]
[instrumental music]
Oh, my God.
- Is he scared, or is he..
- I think he's scared.
- I think he's terrified.
- No, he's, he's somethin'.
- I'm gonna be fine.
- 'You're gonna get maced.'
[instrumental music]
Old dude and a dog?
There you go.
- Do you mind?
- No, not at all.
(Joe)
'Look at this guy.'
'I wouldn't let Murr
touch me, either.'
[laughter]
Can we hold the-the leash
together?
It seems like you've been
trained to defend
and att*ck, too.
He has a dog trained to defend
and att*ck, and that was a.. ?
- Cocker spaniel?
- ...a cocker spaniel.
[dog growling]
(Joe)
'Here he goes.'
I hope Murray literally gets
put in a full nelson.
I just broke up
with my girlfriend.
I told her I was gay.
Do me a solid.
Yeah?
- 'No way.'
- 'No way.'
- 'I can't believe this.'
- 'Dude, seriously?'
[laughs]
Dude, keep it goin', man.
She's right back there.
(Q)
'This guy's buyin'
the gay routine?'
Thanks, man.
Now kiss me as hard as you can.
[laughter]
[dinging]
Gentlemen, I, uh,
I know what you're thinkin'.
"Interesting choice
on the lavender top, Joe."
But wait,
it's part of the game play.
Watch and learn, fellas.
(Q)
'Uh, there he goes. No way.'
- This man has no fear.
- 'What was, what was that?'
- So nice, right?
- Yeah.
- Just walkin' in the park.
- 'How is he doing this?'
- How is he doing this?
- I can't take it.
Where you girls from?
Yeah? Nice.
Are you kidding me right now?
Where are we goin'?
Where are we on our way to?
This way?
Is it the feminine,
purple shirt that's
making you seem completely
I'm telling you, it's purple.
I'm non threatening.
[laughter]
(Sal)
Okay, guys, I'm actually
nervous, actually.
You should be.
There you go, red shirt.
Oh, God. Jesus.
- 'He just picked his nose.'
- Oh, gross. Nope. Not doin' it.
[laughter]
- Here he goes. He's got one.
- 'That's not gonna go well.'
Sorry, I didn't know
if you wanted to hold
You may, wanna hold.
- Oh, he's taken?
- 'Sal's - .'
When you wear a black t-shirt
you're not giving off
the lavender glow of love
like myself.
Oh, it's not the shirt, Joe.
It's not the shirt.
(Murr)
'Sal, your technique sucks.'
- Get in there and grab a hand.
- Man up!
Yeah, and that's when
you get punched.
- 'The jogging guy.'
- 'Here he goes.'
[laughter]
- Does that count?
- This ain't patty-cake.
(Q)
'That doesn't count.'
(Joe)
'You're supposed to try
to hold hands.'
[laughs]
[laughter]
That was a colossal failure.
[laughter]
Q, admittedly, this isn't
a good bit for you
'cause you have to actually
not only interact with people
but hold their hand.
Don't worry about me.
- I got a plan.
- Okay.
(Joe)
'I'll believe it
when I see it.'
Hands up, bro.
Come on. Give it to me.
Let's do this together. Come on!
Let's do this together!
We ain't taking this no more!
We're not taking this no more!
We're doin' it together!
Together!
(Murr)
'Why is this guy goin' along
with this?'
We're mad as hell, and we're
not gonna take it anymore.
Me and this guy!
Come on. Both of us are angry.
Me and this guy!
That's right! Yes!
(male narrator)
Sal was dealt a bad hand
and winds up
on the loser board.
[instrumental music]
I don't like holdin' hands now
walking down the street
with a girl.
Like, she goes to hold your hand
and she's like,
"Hey, everybody
I'm with this guy.
Don't even try it."
Whereas I'm a little bit like
"Try it. You know? Try it.
"You might be better than her.
I don't know. Try it.
- See what you got for me."
- But what about the flip side?
What about
if you wanna be like
"Hey, everybody, don't try it?"
Oh, well,
then I do something like..
[laughter]
"This is my possessive,
right there.
"Don't try it. Don't try it.
Don't try it. Don't try it."
We're at the legendary
comic book store
Jim Hanley's Universe.
We each have
a very special comic book
that's been made for
us by the other guys.
The comic book contains secret
actions that we have to do
while talking
to other shoppers.
And we can't ask permission
or explain ourselves.
If you don't do what
the comic book tells you to
you lose.
(Joe)
'Remember, Sal, you gotta do
all three actions to this guy.'
- You recommend this?
- Yes.
I mean, I know all about
the show and everything
but everyone keeps saying the
book's way better than the show.
This guy's perfect.
Page , buddy.
[instrumental music]
Did you think they did a good
job on the first season?
- Yeah.
- ...a little bit too much time.
I mean, I don't mind if..
[laughter]
Yeah, between the first one--
That's-that's the good thing
about the first one.
[laughter]
Sal, number thirty-nine.
Your imagination's always
better 'cause you're reading
but, um..
[laughter]
...the show, it just..
Oh, that's cool, man.
As much as I like
getting me too.
[laughter]
What were you saying?
As much as I like
the individual, uh..
- Thirty-two.
- Finish it off.
(Joe)
'You're almost there, Sal.'
I don't want it to be
anything that, like, uh..
- It's not just..
- He's talkin' a lot.
- Yeah, yeah, he sure is.
- We got to shut him down.
...if you really want to capture
them with art and writing.
Yeah. That's crazy.
Yeah, and the really good
ones are like five..
Wow.
[laughter]
I was.. Did you see this?
Okay.
[laughing]
"I'm gonna go, bro."
"I'm gonna go, bro."
(Joe)
'I can't believe he pulled
that one off.'
Oh, they do it by movie,
the "Spider-Mans," too?
- Yeah.
- Turn to page thirty-four.
[instrumental music]
Uh, what do you got there,
buddy?
Ah, you read
the "Star Trek" books?
It's a good pick, I think.
[laughter]
He's like, "Okay."
Number twenty-four.
[laughter]
You have a different
appreciation for it, then.
He-he had to be like in his
' s, I guess and he was like
you know, he's been reading it
for like a long time so he..
He's not gonna do it.
(all)
'Pinch that nip!'
(all)
Pinch that nip!
(all)
'Pinch that nip!'
[dramatic music]
[instrumental music]
Number twenty-four.
[laughter]
You have a different
appreciation for it, then.
He had to be like in his ' s
I guess and he was like
you know he's been reading it
for like a long time.
He's not gonna do it.
(all)
'Pinch that nip!'
Pinch that nip!
(all)
'Pinch that nip!'
I think that, the "X-Men"
is really where it started.
[laughter]
"X-Men" is where
it got started for me.
[laughter]
Sorry, seeing the "X-Men" movies
is really what turned it on.
It's like they're both
right now like
"We know what just happened.
Let's not talk about it."
Let's just keep goin'.
Page thirty-five.
[laughing]
Good luck, sucker!
Oh, this is the "X-Men.."
No. Oh, it was on the table.
It was on the table.
[laughs]
He's avoiding the crotch.
[instrumental music]
(Q)
'It's like high school
all over again, buddy.'
Can't get anybody to bump
crotches with you.
[buzzing]
Find anything you like?
Alright, Q, page , bud.
[instrumental music]
Oh, yeah, 'cause...they're,
like, fighting.
[laughter]
Right.
You eventually put the thing.
Twenty-six.
[instrumental music]
[laughs]
Good luck.
- Dig your tattoos, man.
- Thanks.
Looking good.
Yeah, I got, I got the..
- Superman.
- Yeah, yeah. Bam.
What do you think of that?
Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man.
[laughter]
Q, page , bud.
[laughter]
(Joe)
'Ah, there you go.
You gotta spank him.'
[laughter]
- You guys are killin' me.
- This is hard to do.
(Sal)
'There's no way he's gonna
touch that guy's ass.'
This line, huh?
[whistles]
Oh, boy.
You're up, bro.
[laughter]
- 'Wow.'
- 'Well done.'
I, uh, I've got a sister.
And I wanna try to get her
something that I think
like, a girl might like.
- Alright, Murr, page thirteen.
- What do you think?
Are you into a lot of
"Spider-Man?"
Um..
...I don't know, that might be
okay, but, I mean, a little.
The characters are..
Well then..
[laughter]
I don't know
if any of these are..
(Q)
'Murr, page , buddy.'
You know? So..
[laughter]
If you were to name, like, the
top three comics that you like
I would give this to my sister.
I would totally give it to her.
Like, she, she would totally
be okay with it.
She would totally
be okay with it.
She would totally
be okay with it.
- Yeah.
- What would you do?
Page , Murr.
[laughs]
[dramatic music]
[laughter]
(Joe)
'There's no way. How do you
eskimo kiss a stranger?'
[music continues]
Hey, man, you've been great.
Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- 'Oh!'
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God!
Murray took it to another level
just now.
[instrumental music]
The guy just hid from him.
'The guy's hiding from you,
Murray.'
Murr, he just saw you
and stop, drop, and rolled.
[laughter]
(Joe)
'Murray, he's..'
[laughter]
- 'Murray is victorious.'
- 'Oh!'
(male narrator)
Joe bumps right
into Sal on the loser board.
If Murray was a comic-book hero,
what would his name be?
Ferret boy.
- I don't look like a ferret!
- He could creep undetected.
(Q)
Right.
Well, that's real life,
as well.
[laughter]
[instrumental music]
We're at compare
foods supermarkets
and the race is on!
We've gotta get from one end
of the store to the other.
- That's so easy!
- It's not easy, Q.
And I'll tell you why, you're
not allowed to move an inch
unless you're touchin' somebody.
(Sal)
And if you can't cross
the finish line
in seconds, you lose.
(Sal)
'You gotta be quick, Joe.'
Remember, you can't move
unless you're touching somebody.
'You gotta pivot.
It's basketball rules.'
One foot has to stay planted.
'Buddy, you got a long way
to go.'
(Sal)
'You got seconds, bud.
Clock's tickin'.'
Pivot. Pivot.
[laughter]
[instrumental music]
High five.
[laughter]
Every little bit counts.
How you doin'? Okay? Good.
You finding everything alright?
You doing alright, buddy?
Yeah. Everything cool?
You finding everything alright?
Good.
[dramatic music]
[laughs]
(Murr)
'You got ten seconds left,
Joey.'
[chuckles]
- The closer he..
- Don't move!
I'm so happy you asked.
The, the flank steak is the best
one to do here.
Thank you for shopping compare.
I'll tell you right now
I'm gonna win.
I got a foolproof idea.
I can't wait
till this falls flat.
Look at his face. Look, you see
his stupid thoughts on his fa..
Look at him.
"No, it's gonna work
and I'm gonna win
and I'm not gonna get punished."
Oh, my God. Are you seeing
what's going on over here
by the way? Come here. Take
a look come here. Come here.
- Oh, that's it, man.
- 'He's gonna win.'
Where's your big idea?
Right over, right over here.
The craziest thing happening
right over there. Come here.
Take a look. Take a look.
What's that?
- You're busy?
- Yeah.
Okay.
(Sal)
'The guy looked at him
like he was a tool box.'
Well, that didn't work.
[instrumental music]
What, is he settin'
a booby trap?
(Sal)
Oops!
Yeah, I can't bend.
I hurt my back, so..
You.. Yeah, I dropped..
- Oh!
- She's kickin' it towards him.
Thank you so much.
Get it around..
- Always a good move.
- So sweet.
- Oh, oh, oh!
- Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
How are you?
(Murr)
'Oh, oh, oh!'
(Joe)
'Hurry up, Sal.
You're not gonna make it.'
[groans]
[laughter]
I'm good.
I'm great. I'm great.
[instrumental music]
Hey, little girl.
- There's candy down that aisle.
- Oh, no. Oh, my god.
- Oh, my God.
- Come on.
Come check it out.
[dramatic music]
[instrumental music]
Hey, little girl.
There's candy down that aisle.
Come on.
- Come check it out.
- Oh, no. Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god.
- God, this is so weird.
- This is so weird.
- Come on.
- Ah!
- Go! You got it!
Ah! This is so weird!
This is so weird!
Oh, my God!
Yay!
- Where are your parents?!
- Oh, my God.
Yay!
[laughter]
(male narrator)
Murr never made it down aisle
makin' it a three-way tie
for last.
[instrumental music]
We're in the park tryin' to get
people to volunteer their time.
But we have no idea what we're
asking them to sign up for.
That's because
we've created these
fake organizations
for each other.
If you can't get the person
to volunteer, you lose.
[instrumental music]
Girls, two seconds
of your time?
Excellent. I love it. Thank you.
Bam. Shut down
right out of the gate.
[laughter]
Sir? Excuse me.
Uh, I'm collecting signatures
for a volunteer foundation.
It's "Pretend to listen
to an old man's [bleep]."
We just need volunteers
to sit and listen.
Old dude wanted no part of that.
Hi. How you guys doin' today?
We're just looking for
volunteers for, um..
"Turtle Census ."
You know, we got like
a lot of turtles around here
turtles in the lakes and ponds,
and we just need some people to
like, just counters to,
like, wade into the lake.
So, how many people do you
actually get to do this?
Well, so.. You guys
would be the first.
[laughter]
Listen, if you guys like turts..
- Do you guys love the turts?
- Uh-huh.
Give me-give me an hour
of your time.
Count some turts.
[dramatic music]
- Okay.
- Just put your name and e-mail.
Come on, man.
He called them "turts."
- 'Q, what are you doing?'
- Thank you so much.
♪ Turtle census ♪
Two seconds, I gotta talk
to you real quick.
I'm with the volunteer squad
here in New York.
So, uh, we have a thing
comin' up called the, uh
the "End sl*very K."
[laughter]
So, what we're lookin'
is to get people to help
with the, with the race
to end sl*very
and we're lookin' for people,
really, to bake croissants
for a bake sale that we do.
Do you bake?
[laughing]
This race is actually
happening in long island
to end sl*very
in the long island area.
Yeah, it's amazing that there's
still sl*very there.
A lot of people don't.
[laughter]
You can take my name
and e-mail.
I can take your name
and e-mail? That's awesome.
They're signing up.
Are they nuts?
- I really appreciate it, guys.
- Nice to you.
- Have a great day.
- Bye.
Ticktock.
Hey, can I tell you
about a volunteer
organization
I started by myself?
We're looking for volunteers
for the organization
and right now
we're trying to get Phil laid.
It's the "Get Phil Laid Fund."
[laughter]
- He needs our help.
- I need help, too.
(Joe)
'This guy don't look like
he's buyin' it.'
- What's your name?
- Willie G.
Willie G.? I could start
a foundation in your name.
[laughter]
We could do the
"Get willie G. Laid fund."
(Sal)
Would you sign up to the help
Willie G. get laid fund?
- Yeah.
- 'Oh!'
Is he signing up?
Well, there's a dude
that wants to get some.
- 'Got it.'
- That's a good plan.
Sir, do you volunteer
for anything in the city?
You do? What kind of things
do you volunteer for?
(Joe)
'Look how fast he's pedalin'
to get away from Murray.'
Uh, are you interested in
volunteering for anything?
No?
Excuse me. Hi.
Yeah, I don't know if you do
any volunteering
but I'm just tryin' to get
people to volunteer.
It's a great cause.
It's the uh..
Uh, it's "The Help A Kid Shut Up
For Once Bake Sale"
- Which is..
- It doesn't sound good.
Well, you know how there's just
some kids that just
yap and yap and yap and yap?
Well, actually, I work
with kids, so I don't--
You work with kids? So you know
that they don't shut the "F" up.
Yeah, but grown-ups don't
ever shut the [bleep] up,
either.
[laughter]
So, do you wanna sign up
for it or..
- No. No.
- 'Ohh, no dice.'
(male narrator)
Murr is the only non-profit
in that one
and that makes him
tonight's big loser.
Alright, we're here
to punish Murr!
They say that
life imitates art.
Well, today Murr is gonna be
imitating someone
that knows something about art.
Inside this gallery is a
roomful of art enthusiasts.
Let's see how you do explainin'
the sculptures we made for you.
- Sculptures?
- Sculptures.
Beautiful sculptures.
I know nothing about sculpting.
[dramatic music]
[indistinct chatter]
(male # )
'Ladies and gentlemen,
James Murray.'
[audience applause]
Hi, everybody.
My name is James Murray.
I am the sculptor today
'and I'm very proud to have
my exhibit shown.'
Let's, uh, take a look
at the first piece.
[instrumental music]
[laughter]
(male # )
'What the [bleep].'
- 'Look at him. Look at him.'
- So..
'...what does this mean?
And the answer is quite simple.'
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
Let's, uh, take a look
at the first piece.
[laughter]
(male # )
'What the [bleep].'
- 'Look at him. Look at him.'
- So...
'...what does this mean?
And the answer is quite simple.'
[instrumental music]
[laughter]
Love..
Can we put a clock on love?
'Can you tell the heart'
not to love for another days
'five hours, ten minutes,
and one second?'
If you don't want to be
arrested.. Very true.
Let's take a look
at the next piece of art.
(Sal)
'I'm waitin'.'
[laughter]
This is a real blanket
he still sleeps
'with that I stole
from the apartment.'
That is my real blankie.
[laughter]
Inside all of us
is a burning flame.
'So, that's what
it comes down to, is that'
'when life, uh,
gives you lemons'
don't blow out the flame.
'And that's what
it really comes down to.'
It's hot. I'm sweating.
[laughter]
Let's take a look
at the next-next piece.
We've been waiting
for this moment.
I think since I was born.
Do you realize
what's gonna happen
when this curtain gets
revealed right now?
[laughs]
[laughter]
The, uh, uh, uh, um..
[laughter]
- 'He's got nothin'.'
- Nothin'.
So, this is a mu..
This is a muscular uh,
glistening black man.
How did I sculpt him?
The glaze..
[laughter]
...on the back over here..
Let me adjust the sculpture
a little bit.
Okay, I'll just leave him.
[laughter]
Murray couldn't move that guy
for $ million.
As you can see, he's got
quite defined pectoral muscles.
[laughter]
(Murr)
'So, what does all this mean?'
[laughter]
Oh, my god.
Well, that's my last one,
anyway.
[laughter]
I apologize if I've come across
'not as eloquent
as I had hoped.'
Anyways..
Coming up, the guys make
Murr rub one out
at the comic-book shop.
(Joe)
'How do you eskimo kiss
a stranger?'
- 'There's no way.'
- Hey, man. Thank you so much.
(male narrator)
Sal slips up
at the grocery store.
(Joe)
'Hurry up, Sal.
You're not gonna make it.'
[laughter]
Hands up, bro. Come on.
(male narrator)
Q loses it in public.
And we're not gonna
take it anymore!
(male narrator)
Plus, tonight's big loser
has a major art att*ck.
[laughter]
It's a beautiful day in the
park, and romance is in the air.
And we're gonna have to
walk up to strangers
and convince them
to hold our hand.
Whoever can't get a stranger
to hold their hand loses.
So, we're gonna either get
punched or fall in love.
[laughter]
[instrumental music]
Oh, my God.
- Is he scared, or is he..
- I think he's scared.
- I think he's terrified.
- No, he's, he's somethin'.
- I'm gonna be fine.
- 'You're gonna get maced.'
[instrumental music]
Old dude and a dog?
There you go.
- Do you mind?
- No, not at all.
(Joe)
'Look at this guy.'
'I wouldn't let Murr
touch me, either.'
[laughter]
Can we hold the-the leash
together?
It seems like you've been
trained to defend
and att*ck, too.
He has a dog trained to defend
and att*ck, and that was a.. ?
- Cocker spaniel?
- ...a cocker spaniel.
[dog growling]
(Joe)
'Here he goes.'
I hope Murray literally gets
put in a full nelson.
I just broke up
with my girlfriend.
I told her I was gay.
Do me a solid.
Yeah?
- 'No way.'
- 'No way.'
- 'I can't believe this.'
- 'Dude, seriously?'
[laughs]
Dude, keep it goin', man.
She's right back there.
(Q)
'This guy's buyin'
the gay routine?'
Thanks, man.
Now kiss me as hard as you can.
[laughter]
[dinging]
Gentlemen, I, uh,
I know what you're thinkin'.
"Interesting choice
on the lavender top, Joe."
But wait,
it's part of the game play.
Watch and learn, fellas.
(Q)
'Uh, there he goes. No way.'
- This man has no fear.
- 'What was, what was that?'
- So nice, right?
- Yeah.
- Just walkin' in the park.
- 'How is he doing this?'
- How is he doing this?
- I can't take it.
Where you girls from?
Yeah? Nice.
Are you kidding me right now?
Where are we goin'?
Where are we on our way to?
This way?
Is it the feminine,
purple shirt that's
making you seem completely
I'm telling you, it's purple.
I'm non threatening.
[laughter]
(Sal)
Okay, guys, I'm actually
nervous, actually.
You should be.
There you go, red shirt.
Oh, God. Jesus.
- 'He just picked his nose.'
- Oh, gross. Nope. Not doin' it.
[laughter]
- Here he goes. He's got one.
- 'That's not gonna go well.'
Sorry, I didn't know
if you wanted to hold
You may, wanna hold.
- Oh, he's taken?
- 'Sal's - .'
When you wear a black t-shirt
you're not giving off
the lavender glow of love
like myself.
Oh, it's not the shirt, Joe.
It's not the shirt.
(Murr)
'Sal, your technique sucks.'
- Get in there and grab a hand.
- Man up!
Yeah, and that's when
you get punched.
- 'The jogging guy.'
- 'Here he goes.'
[laughter]
- Does that count?
- This ain't patty-cake.
(Q)
'That doesn't count.'
(Joe)
'You're supposed to try
to hold hands.'
[laughs]
[laughter]
That was a colossal failure.
[laughter]
Q, admittedly, this isn't
a good bit for you
'cause you have to actually
not only interact with people
but hold their hand.
Don't worry about me.
- I got a plan.
- Okay.
(Joe)
'I'll believe it
when I see it.'
Hands up, bro.
Come on. Give it to me.
Let's do this together. Come on!
Let's do this together!
We ain't taking this no more!
We're not taking this no more!
We're doin' it together!
Together!
(Murr)
'Why is this guy goin' along
with this?'
We're mad as hell, and we're
not gonna take it anymore.
Me and this guy!
Come on. Both of us are angry.
Me and this guy!
That's right! Yes!
(male narrator)
Sal was dealt a bad hand
and winds up
on the loser board.
[instrumental music]
I don't like holdin' hands now
walking down the street
with a girl.
Like, she goes to hold your hand
and she's like,
"Hey, everybody
I'm with this guy.
Don't even try it."
Whereas I'm a little bit like
"Try it. You know? Try it.
"You might be better than her.
I don't know. Try it.
- See what you got for me."
- But what about the flip side?
What about
if you wanna be like
"Hey, everybody, don't try it?"
Oh, well,
then I do something like..
[laughter]
"This is my possessive,
right there.
"Don't try it. Don't try it.
Don't try it. Don't try it."
We're at the legendary
comic book store
Jim Hanley's Universe.
We each have
a very special comic book
that's been made for
us by the other guys.
The comic book contains secret
actions that we have to do
while talking
to other shoppers.
And we can't ask permission
or explain ourselves.
If you don't do what
the comic book tells you to
you lose.
(Joe)
'Remember, Sal, you gotta do
all three actions to this guy.'
- You recommend this?
- Yes.
I mean, I know all about
the show and everything
but everyone keeps saying the
book's way better than the show.
This guy's perfect.
Page , buddy.
[instrumental music]
Did you think they did a good
job on the first season?
- Yeah.
- ...a little bit too much time.
I mean, I don't mind if..
[laughter]
Yeah, between the first one--
That's-that's the good thing
about the first one.
[laughter]
Sal, number thirty-nine.
Your imagination's always
better 'cause you're reading
but, um..
[laughter]
...the show, it just..
Oh, that's cool, man.
As much as I like
getting me too.
[laughter]
What were you saying?
As much as I like
the individual, uh..
- Thirty-two.
- Finish it off.
(Joe)
'You're almost there, Sal.'
I don't want it to be
anything that, like, uh..
- It's not just..
- He's talkin' a lot.
- Yeah, yeah, he sure is.
- We got to shut him down.
...if you really want to capture
them with art and writing.
Yeah. That's crazy.
Yeah, and the really good
ones are like five..
Wow.
[laughter]
I was.. Did you see this?
Okay.
[laughing]
"I'm gonna go, bro."
"I'm gonna go, bro."
(Joe)
'I can't believe he pulled
that one off.'
Oh, they do it by movie,
the "Spider-Mans," too?
- Yeah.
- Turn to page thirty-four.
[instrumental music]
Uh, what do you got there,
buddy?
Ah, you read
the "Star Trek" books?
It's a good pick, I think.
[laughter]
He's like, "Okay."
Number twenty-four.
[laughter]
You have a different
appreciation for it, then.
He-he had to be like in his
' s, I guess and he was like
you know, he's been reading it
for like a long time so he..
He's not gonna do it.
(all)
'Pinch that nip!'
(all)
Pinch that nip!
(all)
'Pinch that nip!'
[dramatic music]
[instrumental music]
Number twenty-four.
[laughter]
You have a different
appreciation for it, then.
He had to be like in his ' s
I guess and he was like
you know he's been reading it
for like a long time.
He's not gonna do it.
(all)
'Pinch that nip!'
Pinch that nip!
(all)
'Pinch that nip!'
I think that, the "X-Men"
is really where it started.
[laughter]
"X-Men" is where
it got started for me.
[laughter]
Sorry, seeing the "X-Men" movies
is really what turned it on.
It's like they're both
right now like
"We know what just happened.
Let's not talk about it."
Let's just keep goin'.
Page thirty-five.
[laughing]
Good luck, sucker!
Oh, this is the "X-Men.."
No. Oh, it was on the table.
It was on the table.
[laughs]
He's avoiding the crotch.
[instrumental music]
(Q)
'It's like high school
all over again, buddy.'
Can't get anybody to bump
crotches with you.
[buzzing]
Find anything you like?
Alright, Q, page , bud.
[instrumental music]
Oh, yeah, 'cause...they're,
like, fighting.
[laughter]
Right.
You eventually put the thing.
Twenty-six.
[instrumental music]
[laughs]
Good luck.
- Dig your tattoos, man.
- Thanks.
Looking good.
Yeah, I got, I got the..
- Superman.
- Yeah, yeah. Bam.
What do you think of that?
Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man.
[laughter]
Q, page , bud.
[laughter]
(Joe)
'Ah, there you go.
You gotta spank him.'
[laughter]
- You guys are killin' me.
- This is hard to do.
(Sal)
'There's no way he's gonna
touch that guy's ass.'
This line, huh?
[whistles]
Oh, boy.
You're up, bro.
[laughter]
- 'Wow.'
- 'Well done.'
I, uh, I've got a sister.
And I wanna try to get her
something that I think
like, a girl might like.
- Alright, Murr, page thirteen.
- What do you think?
Are you into a lot of
"Spider-Man?"
Um..
...I don't know, that might be
okay, but, I mean, a little.
The characters are..
Well then..
[laughter]
I don't know
if any of these are..
(Q)
'Murr, page , buddy.'
You know? So..
[laughter]
If you were to name, like, the
top three comics that you like
I would give this to my sister.
I would totally give it to her.
Like, she, she would totally
be okay with it.
She would totally
be okay with it.
She would totally
be okay with it.
- Yeah.
- What would you do?
Page , Murr.
[laughs]
[dramatic music]
[laughter]
(Joe)
'There's no way. How do you
eskimo kiss a stranger?'
[music continues]
Hey, man, you've been great.
Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- 'Oh!'
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God!
Murray took it to another level
just now.
[instrumental music]
The guy just hid from him.
'The guy's hiding from you,
Murray.'
Murr, he just saw you
and stop, drop, and rolled.
[laughter]
(Joe)
'Murray, he's..'
[laughter]
- 'Murray is victorious.'
- 'Oh!'
(male narrator)
Joe bumps right
into Sal on the loser board.
If Murray was a comic-book hero,
what would his name be?
Ferret boy.
- I don't look like a ferret!
- He could creep undetected.
(Q)
Right.
Well, that's real life,
as well.
[laughter]
[instrumental music]
We're at compare
foods supermarkets
and the race is on!
We've gotta get from one end
of the store to the other.
- That's so easy!
- It's not easy, Q.
And I'll tell you why, you're
not allowed to move an inch
unless you're touchin' somebody.
(Sal)
And if you can't cross
the finish line
in seconds, you lose.
(Sal)
'You gotta be quick, Joe.'
Remember, you can't move
unless you're touching somebody.
'You gotta pivot.
It's basketball rules.'
One foot has to stay planted.
'Buddy, you got a long way
to go.'
(Sal)
'You got seconds, bud.
Clock's tickin'.'
Pivot. Pivot.
[laughter]
[instrumental music]
High five.
[laughter]
Every little bit counts.
How you doin'? Okay? Good.
You finding everything alright?
You doing alright, buddy?
Yeah. Everything cool?
You finding everything alright?
Good.
[dramatic music]
[laughs]
(Murr)
'You got ten seconds left,
Joey.'
[chuckles]
- The closer he..
- Don't move!
I'm so happy you asked.
The, the flank steak is the best
one to do here.
Thank you for shopping compare.
I'll tell you right now
I'm gonna win.
I got a foolproof idea.
I can't wait
till this falls flat.
Look at his face. Look, you see
his stupid thoughts on his fa..
Look at him.
"No, it's gonna work
and I'm gonna win
and I'm not gonna get punished."
Oh, my God. Are you seeing
what's going on over here
by the way? Come here. Take
a look come here. Come here.
- Oh, that's it, man.
- 'He's gonna win.'
Where's your big idea?
Right over, right over here.
The craziest thing happening
right over there. Come here.
Take a look. Take a look.
What's that?
- You're busy?
- Yeah.
Okay.
(Sal)
'The guy looked at him
like he was a tool box.'
Well, that didn't work.
[instrumental music]
What, is he settin'
a booby trap?
(Sal)
Oops!
Yeah, I can't bend.
I hurt my back, so..
You.. Yeah, I dropped..
- Oh!
- She's kickin' it towards him.
Thank you so much.
Get it around..
- Always a good move.
- So sweet.
- Oh, oh, oh!
- Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
How are you?
(Murr)
'Oh, oh, oh!'
(Joe)
'Hurry up, Sal.
You're not gonna make it.'
[groans]
[laughter]
I'm good.
I'm great. I'm great.
[instrumental music]
Hey, little girl.
- There's candy down that aisle.
- Oh, no. Oh, my god.
- Oh, my God.
- Come on.
Come check it out.
[dramatic music]
[instrumental music]
Hey, little girl.
There's candy down that aisle.
Come on.
- Come check it out.
- Oh, no. Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god.
- God, this is so weird.
- This is so weird.
- Come on.
- Ah!
- Go! You got it!
Ah! This is so weird!
This is so weird!
Oh, my God!
Yay!
- Where are your parents?!
- Oh, my God.
Yay!
[laughter]
(male narrator)
Murr never made it down aisle
makin' it a three-way tie
for last.
[instrumental music]
We're in the park tryin' to get
people to volunteer their time.
But we have no idea what we're
asking them to sign up for.
That's because
we've created these
fake organizations
for each other.
If you can't get the person
to volunteer, you lose.
[instrumental music]
Girls, two seconds
of your time?
Excellent. I love it. Thank you.
Bam. Shut down
right out of the gate.
[laughter]
Sir? Excuse me.
Uh, I'm collecting signatures
for a volunteer foundation.
It's "Pretend to listen
to an old man's [bleep]."
We just need volunteers
to sit and listen.
Old dude wanted no part of that.
Hi. How you guys doin' today?
We're just looking for
volunteers for, um..
"Turtle Census ."
You know, we got like
a lot of turtles around here
turtles in the lakes and ponds,
and we just need some people to
like, just counters to,
like, wade into the lake.
So, how many people do you
actually get to do this?
Well, so.. You guys
would be the first.
[laughter]
Listen, if you guys like turts..
- Do you guys love the turts?
- Uh-huh.
Give me-give me an hour
of your time.
Count some turts.
[dramatic music]
- Okay.
- Just put your name and e-mail.
Come on, man.
He called them "turts."
- 'Q, what are you doing?'
- Thank you so much.
♪ Turtle census ♪
Two seconds, I gotta talk
to you real quick.
I'm with the volunteer squad
here in New York.
So, uh, we have a thing
comin' up called the, uh
the "End sl*very K."
[laughter]
So, what we're lookin'
is to get people to help
with the, with the race
to end sl*very
and we're lookin' for people,
really, to bake croissants
for a bake sale that we do.
Do you bake?
[laughing]
This race is actually
happening in long island
to end sl*very
in the long island area.
Yeah, it's amazing that there's
still sl*very there.
A lot of people don't.
[laughter]
You can take my name
and e-mail.
I can take your name
and e-mail? That's awesome.
They're signing up.
Are they nuts?
- I really appreciate it, guys.
- Nice to you.
- Have a great day.
- Bye.
Ticktock.
Hey, can I tell you
about a volunteer
organization
I started by myself?
We're looking for volunteers
for the organization
and right now
we're trying to get Phil laid.
It's the "Get Phil Laid Fund."
[laughter]
- He needs our help.
- I need help, too.
(Joe)
'This guy don't look like
he's buyin' it.'
- What's your name?
- Willie G.
Willie G.? I could start
a foundation in your name.
[laughter]
We could do the
"Get willie G. Laid fund."
(Sal)
Would you sign up to the help
Willie G. get laid fund?
- Yeah.
- 'Oh!'
Is he signing up?
Well, there's a dude
that wants to get some.
- 'Got it.'
- That's a good plan.
Sir, do you volunteer
for anything in the city?
You do? What kind of things
do you volunteer for?
(Joe)
'Look how fast he's pedalin'
to get away from Murray.'
Uh, are you interested in
volunteering for anything?
No?
Excuse me. Hi.
Yeah, I don't know if you do
any volunteering
but I'm just tryin' to get
people to volunteer.
It's a great cause.
It's the uh..
Uh, it's "The Help A Kid Shut Up
For Once Bake Sale"
- Which is..
- It doesn't sound good.
Well, you know how there's just
some kids that just
yap and yap and yap and yap?
Well, actually, I work
with kids, so I don't--
You work with kids? So you know
that they don't shut the "F" up.
Yeah, but grown-ups don't
ever shut the [bleep] up,
either.
[laughter]
So, do you wanna sign up
for it or..
- No. No.
- 'Ohh, no dice.'
(male narrator)
Murr is the only non-profit
in that one
and that makes him
tonight's big loser.
Alright, we're here
to punish Murr!
They say that
life imitates art.
Well, today Murr is gonna be
imitating someone
that knows something about art.
Inside this gallery is a
roomful of art enthusiasts.
Let's see how you do explainin'
the sculptures we made for you.
- Sculptures?
- Sculptures.
Beautiful sculptures.
I know nothing about sculpting.
[dramatic music]
[indistinct chatter]
(male # )
'Ladies and gentlemen,
James Murray.'
[audience applause]
Hi, everybody.
My name is James Murray.
I am the sculptor today
'and I'm very proud to have
my exhibit shown.'
Let's, uh, take a look
at the first piece.
[instrumental music]
[laughter]
(male # )
'What the [bleep].'
- 'Look at him. Look at him.'
- So..
'...what does this mean?
And the answer is quite simple.'
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
Let's, uh, take a look
at the first piece.
[laughter]
(male # )
'What the [bleep].'
- 'Look at him. Look at him.'
- So...
'...what does this mean?
And the answer is quite simple.'
[instrumental music]
[laughter]
Love..
Can we put a clock on love?
'Can you tell the heart'
not to love for another days
'five hours, ten minutes,
and one second?'
If you don't want to be
arrested.. Very true.
Let's take a look
at the next piece of art.
(Sal)
'I'm waitin'.'
[laughter]
This is a real blanket
he still sleeps
'with that I stole
from the apartment.'
That is my real blankie.
[laughter]
Inside all of us
is a burning flame.
'So, that's what
it comes down to, is that'
'when life, uh,
gives you lemons'
don't blow out the flame.
'And that's what
it really comes down to.'
It's hot. I'm sweating.
[laughter]
Let's take a look
at the next-next piece.
We've been waiting
for this moment.
I think since I was born.
Do you realize
what's gonna happen
when this curtain gets
revealed right now?
[laughs]
[laughter]
The, uh, uh, uh, um..
[laughter]
- 'He's got nothin'.'
- Nothin'.
So, this is a mu..
This is a muscular uh,
glistening black man.
How did I sculpt him?
The glaze..
[laughter]
...on the back over here..
Let me adjust the sculpture
a little bit.
Okay, I'll just leave him.
[laughter]
Murray couldn't move that guy
for $ million.
As you can see, he's got
quite defined pectoral muscles.
[laughter]
(Murr)
'So, what does all this mean?'
[laughter]
Oh, my god.
Well, that's my last one,
anyway.
[laughter]
I apologize if I've come across
'not as eloquent
as I had hoped.'
Anyways..