02x08 - Do Something To My Face

[bunniefuu]

(male narrator # )

Coming up..

How does his body move

like that?

(male narrator # )

What happens when the guys

leave Sal twisting in the wind?

This kind of isn't fair.

He's really outmatched.

[laughter]

(male narrator # )

When Joe faces

a giant problem..

How's he gonna do this?

(male narrator # )

...will he come up short?

(Q)

'The guy is two feet taller

than you!'

(male narrator # )

What is Q forced to do

when it's all on the line?

You do that, I'll take the loss

on the whole thing.

- Let's do it.

- Oh!

(Murr)

'Are you nuts?'

(male narrator # )

And tonight's big loser

has more than just

egg on his face.

[laughter]

We're at the mall

trying to figure out

who's the best

debater among us.

We're going head-to-head,

tournament style

asking strangers to settle

a ridiculous argument.

But the topic of the debate

is gonna be fed to us

by the other guys.

We must persuade someone

to agree with our stance

no matter how bizarre it is.

If you can't get the stranger

to take your side, you lose!

- Murray's a jerk.

- Yeah, you're right.

- Correct.

- He's right.

[Joe laughs]

(Sal)

'Here's what Joe's up against.'

Murray doesn't shut his mouth,

ever.

What?

Murray's argued his way

out of jail time, so..

[laughs]

(Murr)

I don't know, buddy. I-I really

think I'm right on this one.

Excuse me. Could you settle

an argument for us?

You are the judge.

What you say goes, okay?

Alright, Murr, I think we

should adopt an Asian child.

I think we should adopt

an Asian child.

Now, Joe, I think

we should adopt a black child.

I think we should adopt

a black child.

We can only choose one

or the other in our house, okay?

Black names are so much

cooler than Asian names.

Fact.

- Oh!

- Oh.

How many Chinese Darnell's

do you know?

Zero. That's my point.

[Sal laughs]

I didn't Google, I'm saying--

So, what do you think?

Asian, right?

No.

Murray thought he was gonna

sneak that victory right in.

- 'And it didn't work.'

- Okay, hear me out.

There's only ,

unadopted black children

in the United States.

Murray with these numbers.

In last count, there's

, Asian children

unadopted in this,

in this world.

That's-that's high.

Wow!

I'm not even talking

numbers here.

'We can't pick our heritage.'

That's why you go adoption.

You get to pick one

out you want.

I want a black one.

[Sal laughs]

This guy's on the ropes.

He's going back and forth.

'They're fighting.'

How about this?

Asian kids can grow up

and become ninjas.

Right?

(Joe)

Excuse me. Hello.

There's black ninjas.

(Joe)

'Thank you, thank you.'

There are, but..

You guys gotta do something

to make him pick one

'or else both of you lose.'

Just pick one based on

what you've heard.

We have to do it.

You have to choose one.

We'll be happy

with either choice.

You're black. I win.

[laughter]

- No, no!

- Yeah, I do!

- "Adopt me," right?

- Is that a win?

- I'm gonna give it to Joe.

- I'm gonna give it to Joe.

That's how you do it.

Next round, baby.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, sir.

We're-we're having an argument

and we're wondering if you could

help us settle this.

(Joe)

'Okay. Alright, Sal,

this one's for you.'

- I think..

- I think..

...this dance move is cooler.

...this dance move

is the coolest.

Show him the coolest

dance move.

[instrumental music]

- Alright.

- 'Go ahead, show him, Sal.'

- I call it the Double Dutch.

- Okay, I've seen that before.

[Joe laughing]

- 'Now, Q..'

- But I think..

Alright, but I..

...this is the coolest dance

move!

[Joe laughing]

But I think that this is

the coolest dance move.

Q has got no rhythm.

This kind of isn't fair.

He's really outmatched.

Call this the, uh

the-the-the Martian hula-hoop.

[laughter]

Yeah, doing the Martian

hula-hoop, you know?

Yeah, doing the Martian

hula-hoop, you know?

- Check that out.

- You look like a noodle.

Uh, alright, but you got to

understand something, right?

The Double Dutch

has been around for ages.

- You can go low..

- Yeah.

- 'Whoa!'

- 'Whoa!'

...you can go up top...

(Joe)

'Oh!'

...you can go all around.

See what I'm saying?

See what I'm saying?

How does his body move

like that?

Look at that.

[instrumental music]

Just soak it in,

just soak it in.

Just soak that in.

[both laugh]

Look at the antlers!

Look at the antlers!

It's antennas, you idiot.

Soak that in.

You want that,

you wanna go up and down.

Soak that in.

(Sal)

Which one do you think?

- Yeah!

- That one?

(Joe)

'The Double Dutch!'

- The Double Dutch mask.

- The Double Dutch wins!

[laughing]

(Joe)

'Q, nice try, man.

The Martian hula-hoop'

is gonna sweep the nation,

I think.

Alright, Double Dutch, I'm in.

Oh, it's Joe versus Sal!

'Go get him.'

(Murr)

'Gladiators heading to battle.'

- They're ready.

- This is it!

(Murr)

'I can't believe these two got

in the final round.'

'I don't believe I got [bleep].'

[both laugh]

- Excuse me, sir?

- Yeah.

- You got two seconds?

- Well, that's what you think.

- I don't agree.

- That's my point.

I think a third party

is what we need.

We're havin' a gentlemen's

debate right now.

Could you settle somethin'

for us?

Joe, who is

the better president?

Who is the better president?

I think it was

Martin Van Buren.

I think it's

Martin Van Buren.

See, I think it was

Millard Fillmore.

No way, man.

It's Millard Fillmore.

(Joe)

'Martin Van Buren,

they named the van'

after Martin Van Buren,

the transportation.

Where would we be without vans?

Millard-Millard-Millard Fillmore

was the only president

to serve four terms.

That's years, not including

his vice presidencies.

- No, he didn't!

- Right.

But if you look at what

Van Buren did for the dollar

he's the one

who started minting.

We wouldn't have pennies,

quarters--

Millard-Millard Fillmore,

do you know that

he was a fighter pilot?

Yeah, Millard Fillmore

was a fighter pilot

before the plane was invented?

What? No.

Millard Fillmore..

...invented the appetizer.

[Murr laughs]

[laughter]

[bleep]

- My man.

- He invented the appetizer?

I was trying to play

to his strengths!

[instrumental music]

(male narrator # )

Joe gets the last word

and Sal, Q, and Murr

each take a loss.

We're gonna meet the queen!

The Dairy Queen!

We're at Dairy Queen, where

we're gonna be mixing it up

with the fellow customers.

The goal is.. Well, gosh!

We don't know what the goal is

until we get out there!

The other guys

will be giving us

a very specific task

for us to accomplish.

If you can't do it, you lose.

All hail the queen!

(all)

The Dairy Queen!

[instrumental music]

(Q)

'Joey, have we got a plan

for you.'

The normally impeccable

Joe Gatto is going down.

- 'Yeah!'

- 'This is the guy to do it.'

(Q)

'He is perfect.'

Joe, get this guy to have

a meeting with you

in the bathroom.

- 'Oh, yes.'

- 'Oh!'

(Murr)

'How is he, how's he gonna

do this?'

How do you convince someone

to come with you

to the bathroom?

How does one even approach

the subject?

As much confidence as I have

in you usually, Joe

I think that this one's

gonna get you.

[dramatic music]

(Sal)

'The guy is two feet taller

than you!'

(Q)

'Look at how much bigger this

guy is than Joe!'

Too many decisions.

Yeah, right? All day.

- 'Get him!'

- 'Stop him from moving, Joe.'

Look at the difference

in size.

(Murr)

'Come on, buddy, make a move.'

Can I, uh, talk to you

real quick in the, uh..

- Me?

- Yeah, uh..

[dramatic music]

[instrumental music]

As much confidence as I have

in you usually, Joe

I think that

this one's gonna get you.

Look at the difference

in size.

(Murr)

'Come on, buddy, make a move.'

Can I, uh, talk to you real

quick in the, uh, bathroom?

- Me?

- Yeah.

Uh, okay,

I-I'm not lookin' to get

my business on the streets

of the Queen.

It's just me and you, we'll

talk, we'll talk real quick

and..

- 'There's no way.'

- Just-just real quick.

You can leave the cone out here.

We'll be a moment.

- 'Are you serious?'

- 'No. No!'

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

You have to be kidding me

right now!

(Murr)

'What the hell?'

There's nobody in here.

It's okay.

- There's nobody in here.

- 'He's gonna go in.'

(Sal)

'He's gonna go in.

Oh, my God!'

You son of a bitch!

You son of a bitch!

'What the hell?'

(Sal)

'Murr, the gentleman behind

you in the hat, the big guy.'

He's gotta make a phone call

on your behalf

'using your phone, okay?'

- To who?

- Well, you'll find out.

We'll tell you, we'll tell you.

Don't worry.

[instrumental music]

Do you mind.. Sir, do you mind

if I ask you what you got?

Pumpkin, have you ever

had it before?

No?

- Nice guy already.

- Helpful.

Let's see how helpful he is.

I-I-I can't decide

what to get myself.

I'm totally distracted,

and I'll tell you why.

- I have a favor to ask.

- Mm-hmm.

Can you make a phone call

on my behalf?

- I'll explain why.

- You gotta call my parents.

[laughter]

I need you to call

my parents.

Okay?

I just wanna tell my mom

that I used to wear her heels

'when I was little.'

When my mom picks up

I need you to confess to her

when I was a kid,

I used to wear her heels.

[laughter]

(Joe)

'Sal is the most ethnically

diverse out of all of us.'

- Right?

- So he says.

He's got a mixture of things

goin' on.

Sal, do me a favor, just

get somebody to order you

'a Pumpkin Blizzard.'

- That's it?

- 'One last detail.'

You can only speak

in a made-up language.

(Murr)

'Sal, go up to the guy

with the navy cap.'

Eh..

[laughter]

[gibberish]

(Joe)

'Don't point at it!'

Okay.

[gibberish]

[laughter]

"Greenhouse Limp Bizkit?"

(Murr)

'Hurry up, Sal.

He's ordering the wrong thing.'

[gibberish]

[laughter]

- 'Oh!'

- 'Ooh!'

Oooh!

Oh! He's onto something!

[gibberish]

[gibberish]

Pumpkin what?

[indistinct chatter]

[gibberish]

(Murr)

'He's gotta order you

a Pumpkin Blizzard.'

[sighs]

[slurps]

[gibberish]

[Murr laughs]

- Pumpkin Blizzard.

- Pumpkin Blizzard.

[sighs]

(Murr)

'You're a pretty good guy,

right?'

I would say

he's one of the best.

One of the best, people might

arguably call you "Da b*mb."

- Yeah, he's the b*mb.

- Yeah, I am the b*mb.

(Sal)

'Q, the guy in front of you,

with the dark-gray T-shirt'

you gotta get him to say,

"You're da b*mb."

[laughter]

What's up, bro?

Just hangin' out at the old D.Q.

[laughter]

I, I get-I get free

ice cream here for life.

I stopped a robbery here.

Yeah, they call me

"Da b*mb" here.

"Da b*mb."

Yeah, I walk in, and they're

like, "Oh, da b*mb's here.

Let's get him some

free ice cream."

It's weird, just people

keep calling me "Da b*mb."

[Murr laughs]

Not say "Da b*mb."

He's gotta call you "Da b*mb."

B-but if I was in your phone,

what would I be in your phone?

On silent mode.

[laughter]

Stonewalled!

Not-not-not "Da b*mb"

or anything like that?

Alright, alright,

but if I was over there

and you had to call me, like,

what would you call me?

[laughter]

Alright, hey, man,

you're da b*mb.

I'm the b*mb?

Alright!

The last possible second!

(Joe)

'"Da b*mb" gets it!'

[dinging]

(male narrator # )

Murr gets the cold shoulder and

takes a loss.

Sal's the worst when it comes

to going out to eat.

He can't have a lot of choices

in front of him.

I like to wait,

I like to see what

everyone else at the table got.

You can't make a decision.

You're telling me to commit

to one thing?

You never been in

a relationship more than a week.

[laughter]

We're hittin' the streets,

protestin' somethin'

but we don't know what it is.

That's because

we've made ridonkulous

protest signs for each other.

The goal is to have

a stranger grab a sign

and join in on your protest.

If you can't get them

to join, you lose.

[instrumental music]

(Murr)

This thing I'm protesting

better be good, guys.

Dude, it's-it's something

that needs to be done.

Alright, alright.

- I'm gonna take a look at this.

- 'Here he goes.'

[laughter]

Murray, it's about time this

thing's got lifted, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Folks, help me lift

my restraining order.

I can't even do it.

[laughter]

He can't even approach people!

[laughing]

Ma'am, please help me lift

my restraining order.

Sir, please help me lift

my restraining order.

[laughter]

The only person

he's gonna attract

is someone who may have--

Shh, shh!

What do you need?

I need some help lifting

my restraining order.

At this point,

it's been too long.

I have been through

a vaguely similar situation.

You've been through vaguely

similar situations?

I told you!

I told you the only person..

That's gonna come up..

Someone who's in

the same situation!

I was dating a Macedonian.

You were dating a Macedonian?

She was a bit of a slut.

Welcome to the party, sir.

I'll take two sides of crazy

and a little bit of insane.

But I find her on a date

with a fat kid named Pete

who looks like the new fat-kid

dictator of North Korea.

So I was pretty pissed off

about that.

- Whoa!

- Whoa!

- Hey-o!

- Just gonna head out.

- Good luck on that buddy.

- Where are you guys?

- Come back.

- You do what you gotta do.

- We're gettin' a cheeseburger.

- This guy is nuts.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

I have been through a vaguely

similar situation.

You've been through vaguely

similar situations?

I was dating a Macedonian.

You were dating a Macedonian?

She was a bit of a slut.

- Whoa!

- Whoa!

- Hey-o!

- Just gonna head out.

Good luck on that, buddy.

Where are you guys? Come back.

You do what you gotta do.

We're gettin' a cheeseburger.

But I find her on a date

with a fat kid named Pete

who looks like the new fat-kid

dictator of North Korea.

So I was pretty pissed off

about that.

[dramatic music]

That is the identical

situation that I'm in.

So will you help me and stand

tall with me today and say

"Lift both of our

restraining orders?"

- Not right now.

- Ah. So not right now.

- But later, maybe?

- No good, man.

(Murr)

'Like, text me.'

[laughter]

- Oh, I don't like this.

- Alright, buddy, go ahead.

- Take a look at what you got.

- Flip your poster over.

What'd you say, there's about

, people lookin' at me?

(Joe)

'They're gonna need to know

about this cause.'

This is.. "Tax that ass!"

[laughter]

It's a cause you can

really get behind.

You want people to get behind

"Tax-tax that ass?"

Um, less with the jibber-jabber

and more with the protesting.

- Just sayin'.

- Excuse me.

Tax that ass?

You wanna help me, wanna

help me tax that ass?

(Joe)

'Sal, what are you doing?'

That's not the way

a protest works.

You just asked an old man if he

wants to help you tax that ass.

Oh, yeah, I did.

Makes no sense.

Excuse me.

Uh..

I-I-I believe

that we need to tax that ass,

you know.

- Whose ass?

- Whose ass?

(Sal)

That one.

Like, I mean, like the,

you know, like the, that ass.

There's too many rich asses

not being taxed.

Yeah, then you gotta write

"Tax that rich ass."

I was just looking

for-for someone..

- Oh!

- Don't take that sign.

And tax that ass.

...to stand with me

in-in u-unity.

(Q)

'He's got a chance it.

He's got to chance it.'

So, we can, can you

do it with me?

- Yeah, tax that ass.

- Tax that ass!

Tax that ass!

(both)

Tax that ass.

- 'Tax that ass.'

- I can't believe it.

Tax that ass!

Whose ass?

That ass!

(both)

Whose ass?

That ass!

- Hey!

- Hey!

[dinging]

You guys gave Q the pen, huh?

- Yeah.

- Let's see him explain this.

Check it out, pal.

Let's see what you think.

Well, this is one

that I don't know

how you necessarily

get people behind.

What are you washin'?

Whatever it is that you got

to wash, do it after.

What're you doin'

with it beforehand?

[laughter]

Sir, real quick.

Do you wash it after?

Ma'am, do you wash it after?

Tryin' to get people

to wash it after.

Do you wash it after?

A movement starts with one man

and ends with

a couple of clean people.

Do you wash it after?

Everybody, wash it after!

Don't just wash it before!

Yeah, I-I'm looking for people

to wash it after.

Oh, Myrna, could you hold that

one second?

Just one second? I just..

Oh. She won't wash it after.

Joe, I don't wanna embarrass you

'but Helen Keller could do

better than you out there.'

You take this sign

and be out here

as long as I was

and get somebody..

I'm telling you, I could

take that sign from you

and get someone to do it.

No problem, I can do that.

If you do that, I'll take

the loss on the whole thing.

- Let's do it.

- Oh!

(Murr)

'Q, this is a bad idea!'

I think, uh, I think

this is a mistake on Q's part.

- Good luck, sir.

- Get back there, junior.

Let me show you how it's done.

You wrote this!

- 'Are you nuts?'

- I got it.

Oh, what is it I'm washing?

That's an excellent question.

It's just a general movement

that I'm trying

to start with people.

You know how a lot of people

wash it before?

They get, they get out there,

they scrub it up and down

all-all over the place,

looking good?

Lot of people,

they-they walk around

after all dirty and stinky

and smelling. It's no good.

You don't like it.

I don't like it.

- No one likes it.

- He might get it.

- He's not gonna get it.

- He's not gonna get it.

(Q)

You like this?

Would you do me a favor?

Would you just follow me around

a little bit? You will?

Oh, thank you.

Come on, wash it after!

Wash it after!

- Joey Gatto, wash it after!

- The first one!

Wash it after!

(male narrator # )

Joe's big mouth lands him

in big trouble

sendin' him straight

to tonight's punishment.

The problem with punishing Joe

is that he will do anything.

But will he let anything

be done to him?

Uh, specifically, uh, his face.

Alright, I get it. I get

what this is all about now.

(Joe)

Oh, this is gonna suck.

[dramatic music]

[instrumental music]

(Q)

We have built a stockade

for Joey's punishment.

- This is the best thing ever.

- Yeah, do that side.

Yes, it is.

Ladies and gentlemen, step

right up to Joey's punishment.

'We have an assortment

of disgusting items'

'so grab something and

do what you want to Joe's face!'

'Do not be shy,

ladies and gentlemen!'

We have to use it all up.

[laughter]

Here we go, here we go.

- What's up, man?

- What's up?

You, uh, you wanna do

something to my face?

You just pick something up

off the table

and whatever you wanna do.

You're just.. Great, you know,

yeah. Yeah, grab the fish.

- That's a good idea.

- 'Oh, no!'

(Q)

'Oh, right for the fish.'

Oh!

Oh! Ow!

- You alright?

- Yeah, just great, man.

Nice to meet you.

Thanks. Thanks.

Step right up.

What's up, bro?

Oh, yeah, whipped on the pie.

(Joe)

'Yeah, we're gonna put it

together.'

- 'Right to the pie?'

- This is terrible, guys.

- We shouldn't have done this.

- One, two, three.

[laughter]

Thanks, dude.

Thanks, man.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

[laughter]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's great.

- That's perfect.

- 'Wait.'

Put a fake nose on him!

This thing's smaller.

It doesn't fit my nose.

[laughter]

(Joe)

Hey, bud.

Hey, bud, what's goin' on?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

[laughter]

(Joe)

Mayo g*n.

(Joe)

Yeah, yeah, take a video, Sal.

'Cause it's not

on national television!

[laughing]

Doing great, Joe!

Who's next? Get in there!

What's up, bud?

Oh, yeah, sock full of powder?

[laughter]

(Joe)

'Hey, what's up, bud?'

Yeah, good.

Thanks for stopping by, man.

[laughter]

He didn't even say anything.

You're not even a gentleman!

Come on, he's done,

he's done, he's done.

- The table's empty, guys!

- Good job, Joey.

- [bleep]

- 'Good job.'

Did great. Great, guys.

Great job, guys.

- Great..

- Joey, Joey!

Oh, my God! No!

Don't-don't-don't!

- Nah, I'll take it like a man.

- 'Oh!'

No, I'm kiddin'.

[laughter]

It's not my punishment.