(male narrator # )
Coming up..
How does his body move
like that?
(male narrator # )
What happens when the guys
leave Sal twisting in the wind?
This kind of isn't fair.
He's really outmatched.
[laughter]
(male narrator # )
When Joe faces
a giant problem..
How's he gonna do this?
(male narrator # )
...will he come up short?
(Q)
'The guy is two feet taller
than you!'
(male narrator # )
What is Q forced to do
when it's all on the line?
You do that, I'll take the loss
on the whole thing.
- Let's do it.
- Oh!
(Murr)
'Are you nuts?'
(male narrator # )
And tonight's big loser
has more than just
egg on his face.
[laughter]
We're at the mall
trying to figure out
who's the best
debater among us.
We're going head-to-head,
tournament style
asking strangers to settle
a ridiculous argument.
But the topic of the debate
is gonna be fed to us
by the other guys.
We must persuade someone
to agree with our stance
no matter how bizarre it is.
If you can't get the stranger
to take your side, you lose!
- Murray's a jerk.
- Yeah, you're right.
- Correct.
- He's right.
[Joe laughs]
(Sal)
'Here's what Joe's up against.'
Murray doesn't shut his mouth,
ever.
What?
Murray's argued his way
out of jail time, so..
[laughs]
(Murr)
I don't know, buddy. I-I really
think I'm right on this one.
Excuse me. Could you settle
an argument for us?
You are the judge.
What you say goes, okay?
Alright, Murr, I think we
should adopt an Asian child.
I think we should adopt
an Asian child.
Now, Joe, I think
we should adopt a black child.
I think we should adopt
a black child.
We can only choose one
or the other in our house, okay?
Black names are so much
cooler than Asian names.
Fact.
- Oh!
- Oh.
How many Chinese Darnell's
do you know?
Zero. That's my point.
[Sal laughs]
I didn't Google, I'm saying--
So, what do you think?
Asian, right?
No.
Murray thought he was gonna
sneak that victory right in.
- 'And it didn't work.'
- Okay, hear me out.
There's only ,
unadopted black children
in the United States.
Murray with these numbers.
In last count, there's
, Asian children
unadopted in this,
in this world.
That's-that's high.
Wow!
I'm not even talking
numbers here.
'We can't pick our heritage.'
That's why you go adoption.
You get to pick one
out you want.
I want a black one.
[Sal laughs]
This guy's on the ropes.
He's going back and forth.
'They're fighting.'
How about this?
Asian kids can grow up
and become ninjas.
Right?
(Joe)
Excuse me. Hello.
There's black ninjas.
(Joe)
'Thank you, thank you.'
There are, but..
You guys gotta do something
to make him pick one
'or else both of you lose.'
Just pick one based on
what you've heard.
We have to do it.
You have to choose one.
We'll be happy
with either choice.
You're black. I win.
[laughter]
- No, no!
- Yeah, I do!
- "Adopt me," right?
- Is that a win?
- I'm gonna give it to Joe.
- I'm gonna give it to Joe.
That's how you do it.
Next round, baby.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, sir.
We're-we're having an argument
and we're wondering if you could
help us settle this.
(Joe)
'Okay. Alright, Sal,
this one's for you.'
- I think..
- I think..
...this dance move is cooler.
...this dance move
is the coolest.
Show him the coolest
dance move.
[instrumental music]
- Alright.
- 'Go ahead, show him, Sal.'
- I call it the Double Dutch.
- Okay, I've seen that before.
[Joe laughing]
- 'Now, Q..'
- But I think..
Alright, but I..
...this is the coolest dance
move!
[Joe laughing]
But I think that this is
the coolest dance move.
Q has got no rhythm.
This kind of isn't fair.
He's really outmatched.
Call this the, uh
the-the-the Martian hula-hoop.
[laughter]
Yeah, doing the Martian
hula-hoop, you know?
Yeah, doing the Martian
hula-hoop, you know?
- Check that out.
- You look like a noodle.
Uh, alright, but you got to
understand something, right?
The Double Dutch
has been around for ages.
- You can go low..
- Yeah.
- 'Whoa!'
- 'Whoa!'
...you can go up top...
(Joe)
'Oh!'
...you can go all around.
See what I'm saying?
See what I'm saying?
How does his body move
like that?
Look at that.
[instrumental music]
Just soak it in,
just soak it in.
Just soak that in.
[both laugh]
Look at the antlers!
Look at the antlers!
It's antennas, you idiot.
Soak that in.
You want that,
you wanna go up and down.
Soak that in.
(Sal)
Which one do you think?
- Yeah!
- That one?
(Joe)
'The Double Dutch!'
- The Double Dutch mask.
- The Double Dutch wins!
[laughing]
(Joe)
'Q, nice try, man.
The Martian hula-hoop'
is gonna sweep the nation,
I think.
Alright, Double Dutch, I'm in.
Oh, it's Joe versus Sal!
'Go get him.'
(Murr)
'Gladiators heading to battle.'
- They're ready.
- This is it!
(Murr)
'I can't believe these two got
in the final round.'
'I don't believe I got [bleep].'
[both laugh]
- Excuse me, sir?
- Yeah.
- You got two seconds?
- Well, that's what you think.
- I don't agree.
- That's my point.
I think a third party
is what we need.
We're havin' a gentlemen's
debate right now.
Could you settle somethin'
for us?
Joe, who is
the better president?
Who is the better president?
I think it was
Martin Van Buren.
I think it's
Martin Van Buren.
See, I think it was
Millard Fillmore.
No way, man.
It's Millard Fillmore.
(Joe)
'Martin Van Buren,
they named the van'
after Martin Van Buren,
the transportation.
Where would we be without vans?
Millard-Millard-Millard Fillmore
was the only president
to serve four terms.
That's years, not including
his vice presidencies.
- No, he didn't!
- Right.
But if you look at what
Van Buren did for the dollar
he's the one
who started minting.
We wouldn't have pennies,
quarters--
Millard-Millard Fillmore,
do you know that
he was a fighter pilot?
Yeah, Millard Fillmore
was a fighter pilot
before the plane was invented?
What? No.
Millard Fillmore..
...invented the appetizer.
[Murr laughs]
[laughter]
[bleep]
- My man.
- He invented the appetizer?
I was trying to play
to his strengths!
[instrumental music]
(male narrator # )
Joe gets the last word
and Sal, Q, and Murr
each take a loss.
We're gonna meet the queen!
The Dairy Queen!
We're at Dairy Queen, where
we're gonna be mixing it up
with the fellow customers.
The goal is.. Well, gosh!
We don't know what the goal is
until we get out there!
The other guys
will be giving us
a very specific task
for us to accomplish.
If you can't do it, you lose.
All hail the queen!
(all)
The Dairy Queen!
[instrumental music]
(Q)
'Joey, have we got a plan
for you.'
The normally impeccable
Joe Gatto is going down.
- 'Yeah!'
- 'This is the guy to do it.'
(Q)
'He is perfect.'
Joe, get this guy to have
a meeting with you
in the bathroom.
- 'Oh, yes.'
- 'Oh!'
(Murr)
'How is he, how's he gonna
do this?'
How do you convince someone
to come with you
to the bathroom?
How does one even approach
the subject?
As much confidence as I have
in you usually, Joe
I think that this one's
gonna get you.
[dramatic music]
(Sal)
'The guy is two feet taller
than you!'
(Q)
'Look at how much bigger this
guy is than Joe!'
Too many decisions.
Yeah, right? All day.
- 'Get him!'
- 'Stop him from moving, Joe.'
Look at the difference
in size.
(Murr)
'Come on, buddy, make a move.'
Can I, uh, talk to you
real quick in the, uh..
- Me?
- Yeah, uh..
[dramatic music]
[instrumental music]
As much confidence as I have
in you usually, Joe
I think that
this one's gonna get you.
Look at the difference
in size.
(Murr)
'Come on, buddy, make a move.'
Can I, uh, talk to you real
quick in the, uh, bathroom?
- Me?
- Yeah.
Uh, okay,
I-I'm not lookin' to get
my business on the streets
of the Queen.
It's just me and you, we'll
talk, we'll talk real quick
and..
- 'There's no way.'
- Just-just real quick.
You can leave the cone out here.
We'll be a moment.
- 'Are you serious?'
- 'No. No!'
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
You have to be kidding me
right now!
(Murr)
'What the hell?'
There's nobody in here.
It's okay.
- There's nobody in here.
- 'He's gonna go in.'
(Sal)
'He's gonna go in.
Oh, my God!'
You son of a bitch!
You son of a bitch!
'What the hell?'
(Sal)
'Murr, the gentleman behind
you in the hat, the big guy.'
He's gotta make a phone call
on your behalf
'using your phone, okay?'
- To who?
- Well, you'll find out.
We'll tell you, we'll tell you.
Don't worry.
[instrumental music]
Do you mind.. Sir, do you mind
if I ask you what you got?
Pumpkin, have you ever
had it before?
No?
- Nice guy already.
- Helpful.
Let's see how helpful he is.
I-I-I can't decide
what to get myself.
I'm totally distracted,
and I'll tell you why.
- I have a favor to ask.
- Mm-hmm.
Can you make a phone call
on my behalf?
- I'll explain why.
- You gotta call my parents.
[laughter]
I need you to call
my parents.
Okay?
I just wanna tell my mom
that I used to wear her heels
'when I was little.'
When my mom picks up
I need you to confess to her
when I was a kid,
I used to wear her heels.
[laughter]
(Joe)
'Sal is the most ethnically
diverse out of all of us.'
- Right?
- So he says.
He's got a mixture of things
goin' on.
Sal, do me a favor, just
get somebody to order you
'a Pumpkin Blizzard.'
- That's it?
- 'One last detail.'
You can only speak
in a made-up language.
(Murr)
'Sal, go up to the guy
with the navy cap.'
Eh..
[laughter]
[gibberish]
(Joe)
'Don't point at it!'
Okay.
[gibberish]
[laughter]
"Greenhouse Limp Bizkit?"
(Murr)
'Hurry up, Sal.
He's ordering the wrong thing.'
[gibberish]
[laughter]
- 'Oh!'
- 'Ooh!'
Oooh!
Oh! He's onto something!
[gibberish]
[gibberish]
Pumpkin what?
[indistinct chatter]
[gibberish]
(Murr)
'He's gotta order you
a Pumpkin Blizzard.'
[sighs]
[slurps]
[gibberish]
[Murr laughs]
- Pumpkin Blizzard.
- Pumpkin Blizzard.
[sighs]
(Murr)
'You're a pretty good guy,
right?'
I would say
he's one of the best.
One of the best, people might
arguably call you "Da b*mb."
- Yeah, he's the b*mb.
- Yeah, I am the b*mb.
(Sal)
'Q, the guy in front of you,
with the dark-gray T-shirt'
you gotta get him to say,
"You're da b*mb."
[laughter]
What's up, bro?
Just hangin' out at the old D.Q.
[laughter]
I, I get-I get free
ice cream here for life.
I stopped a robbery here.
Yeah, they call me
"Da b*mb" here.
"Da b*mb."
Yeah, I walk in, and they're
like, "Oh, da b*mb's here.
Let's get him some
free ice cream."
It's weird, just people
keep calling me "Da b*mb."
[Murr laughs]
Not say "Da b*mb."
He's gotta call you "Da b*mb."
B-but if I was in your phone,
what would I be in your phone?
On silent mode.
[laughter]
Stonewalled!
Not-not-not "Da b*mb"
or anything like that?
Alright, alright,
but if I was over there
and you had to call me, like,
what would you call me?
[laughter]
Alright, hey, man,
you're da b*mb.
I'm the b*mb?
Alright!
The last possible second!
(Joe)
'"Da b*mb" gets it!'
[dinging]
(male narrator # )
Murr gets the cold shoulder and
takes a loss.
Sal's the worst when it comes
to going out to eat.
He can't have a lot of choices
in front of him.
I like to wait,
I like to see what
everyone else at the table got.
You can't make a decision.
You're telling me to commit
to one thing?
You never been in
a relationship more than a week.
[laughter]
We're hittin' the streets,
protestin' somethin'
but we don't know what it is.
That's because
we've made ridonkulous
protest signs for each other.
The goal is to have
a stranger grab a sign
and join in on your protest.
If you can't get them
to join, you lose.
[instrumental music]
(Murr)
This thing I'm protesting
better be good, guys.
Dude, it's-it's something
that needs to be done.
Alright, alright.
- I'm gonna take a look at this.
- 'Here he goes.'
[laughter]
Murray, it's about time this
thing's got lifted, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Folks, help me lift
my restraining order.
I can't even do it.
[laughter]
He can't even approach people!
[laughing]
Ma'am, please help me lift
my restraining order.
Sir, please help me lift
my restraining order.
[laughter]
The only person
he's gonna attract
is someone who may have--
Shh, shh!
What do you need?
I need some help lifting
my restraining order.
At this point,
it's been too long.
I have been through
a vaguely similar situation.
You've been through vaguely
similar situations?
I told you!
I told you the only person..
That's gonna come up..
Someone who's in
the same situation!
I was dating a Macedonian.
You were dating a Macedonian?
She was a bit of a slut.
Welcome to the party, sir.
I'll take two sides of crazy
and a little bit of insane.
But I find her on a date
with a fat kid named Pete
who looks like the new fat-kid
dictator of North Korea.
So I was pretty pissed off
about that.
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
- Hey-o!
- Just gonna head out.
- Good luck on that buddy.
- Where are you guys?
- Come back.
- You do what you gotta do.
- We're gettin' a cheeseburger.
- This guy is nuts.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
I have been through a vaguely
similar situation.
You've been through vaguely
similar situations?
I was dating a Macedonian.
You were dating a Macedonian?
She was a bit of a slut.
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
- Hey-o!
- Just gonna head out.
Good luck on that, buddy.
Where are you guys? Come back.
You do what you gotta do.
We're gettin' a cheeseburger.
But I find her on a date
with a fat kid named Pete
who looks like the new fat-kid
dictator of North Korea.
So I was pretty pissed off
about that.
[dramatic music]
That is the identical
situation that I'm in.
So will you help me and stand
tall with me today and say
"Lift both of our
restraining orders?"
- Not right now.
- Ah. So not right now.
- But later, maybe?
- No good, man.
(Murr)
'Like, text me.'
[laughter]
- Oh, I don't like this.
- Alright, buddy, go ahead.
- Take a look at what you got.
- Flip your poster over.
What'd you say, there's about
, people lookin' at me?
(Joe)
'They're gonna need to know
about this cause.'
This is.. "Tax that ass!"
[laughter]
It's a cause you can
really get behind.
You want people to get behind
"Tax-tax that ass?"
Um, less with the jibber-jabber
and more with the protesting.
- Just sayin'.
- Excuse me.
Tax that ass?
You wanna help me, wanna
help me tax that ass?
(Joe)
'Sal, what are you doing?'
That's not the way
a protest works.
You just asked an old man if he
wants to help you tax that ass.
Oh, yeah, I did.
Makes no sense.
Excuse me.
Uh..
I-I-I believe
that we need to tax that ass,
you know.
- Whose ass?
- Whose ass?
(Sal)
That one.
Like, I mean, like the,
you know, like the, that ass.
There's too many rich asses
not being taxed.
Yeah, then you gotta write
"Tax that rich ass."
I was just looking
for-for someone..
- Oh!
- Don't take that sign.
And tax that ass.
...to stand with me
in-in u-unity.
(Q)
'He's got a chance it.
He's got to chance it.'
So, we can, can you
do it with me?
- Yeah, tax that ass.
- Tax that ass!
Tax that ass!
(both)
Tax that ass.
- 'Tax that ass.'
- I can't believe it.
Tax that ass!
Whose ass?
That ass!
(both)
Whose ass?
That ass!
- Hey!
- Hey!
[dinging]
You guys gave Q the pen, huh?
- Yeah.
- Let's see him explain this.
Check it out, pal.
Let's see what you think.
Well, this is one
that I don't know
how you necessarily
get people behind.
What are you washin'?
Whatever it is that you got
to wash, do it after.
What're you doin'
with it beforehand?
[laughter]
Sir, real quick.
Do you wash it after?
Ma'am, do you wash it after?
Tryin' to get people
to wash it after.
Do you wash it after?
A movement starts with one man
and ends with
a couple of clean people.
Do you wash it after?
Everybody, wash it after!
Don't just wash it before!
Yeah, I-I'm looking for people
to wash it after.
Oh, Myrna, could you hold that
one second?
Just one second? I just..
Oh. She won't wash it after.
Joe, I don't wanna embarrass you
'but Helen Keller could do
better than you out there.'
You take this sign
and be out here
as long as I was
and get somebody..
I'm telling you, I could
take that sign from you
and get someone to do it.
No problem, I can do that.
If you do that, I'll take
the loss on the whole thing.
- Let's do it.
- Oh!
(Murr)
'Q, this is a bad idea!'
I think, uh, I think
this is a mistake on Q's part.
- Good luck, sir.
- Get back there, junior.
Let me show you how it's done.
You wrote this!
- 'Are you nuts?'
- I got it.
Oh, what is it I'm washing?
That's an excellent question.
It's just a general movement
that I'm trying
to start with people.
You know how a lot of people
wash it before?
They get, they get out there,
they scrub it up and down
all-all over the place,
looking good?
Lot of people,
they-they walk around
after all dirty and stinky
and smelling. It's no good.
You don't like it.
I don't like it.
- No one likes it.
- He might get it.
- He's not gonna get it.
- He's not gonna get it.
(Q)
You like this?
Would you do me a favor?
Would you just follow me around
a little bit? You will?
Oh, thank you.
Come on, wash it after!
Wash it after!
- Joey Gatto, wash it after!
- The first one!
Wash it after!
(male narrator # )
Joe's big mouth lands him
in big trouble
sendin' him straight
to tonight's punishment.
The problem with punishing Joe
is that he will do anything.
But will he let anything
be done to him?
Uh, specifically, uh, his face.
Alright, I get it. I get
what this is all about now.
(Joe)
Oh, this is gonna suck.
[dramatic music]
[instrumental music]
(Q)
We have built a stockade
for Joey's punishment.
- This is the best thing ever.
- Yeah, do that side.
Yes, it is.
Ladies and gentlemen, step
right up to Joey's punishment.
'We have an assortment
of disgusting items'
'so grab something and
do what you want to Joe's face!'
'Do not be shy,
ladies and gentlemen!'
We have to use it all up.
[laughter]
Here we go, here we go.
- What's up, man?
- What's up?
You, uh, you wanna do
something to my face?
You just pick something up
off the table
and whatever you wanna do.
You're just.. Great, you know,
yeah. Yeah, grab the fish.
- That's a good idea.
- 'Oh, no!'
(Q)
'Oh, right for the fish.'
Oh!
Oh! Ow!
- You alright?
- Yeah, just great, man.
Nice to meet you.
Thanks. Thanks.
Step right up.
What's up, bro?
Oh, yeah, whipped on the pie.
(Joe)
'Yeah, we're gonna put it
together.'
- 'Right to the pie?'
- This is terrible, guys.
- We shouldn't have done this.
- One, two, three.
[laughter]
Thanks, dude.
Thanks, man.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
[laughter]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's great.
- That's perfect.
- 'Wait.'
Put a fake nose on him!
This thing's smaller.
It doesn't fit my nose.
[laughter]
(Joe)
Hey, bud.
Hey, bud, what's goin' on?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
[laughter]
(Joe)
Mayo g*n.
(Joe)
Yeah, yeah, take a video, Sal.
'Cause it's not
on national television!
[laughing]
Doing great, Joe!
Who's next? Get in there!
What's up, bud?
Oh, yeah, sock full of powder?
[laughter]
(Joe)
'Hey, what's up, bud?'
Yeah, good.
Thanks for stopping by, man.
[laughter]
He didn't even say anything.
You're not even a gentleman!
Come on, he's done,
he's done, he's done.
- The table's empty, guys!
- Good job, Joey.
- [bleep]
- 'Good job.'
Did great. Great, guys.
Great job, guys.
- Great..
- Joey, Joey!
Oh, my God! No!
Don't-don't-don't!
- Nah, I'll take it like a man.
- 'Oh!'
No, I'm kiddin'.
[laughter]
It's not my punishment.
02x08 - Do Something To My Face
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This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.