02x01 - Elephant in the Room

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Impractical Jokers". Aired: December 15, 2011 –; present.*
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This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
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02x01 - Elephant in the Room

Post by bunniefuu »

(male narrator)

Coming up, the guys

push Sal to the breaking point.

Keep the chair moving

the whole time, buddy.

[Sal laughing]

I can't do it!

(male narrator)

Q creates a scene

at the movies.

- A diet coke!

- What size?

[bleep] are you gonna work

or no?

(male narrator)

And Murr wants to know

who's his daddy.

- What's your name? Dad? Dad?

- Dan. Dan.

(male narrator)

And tonight's big loser has

to deal with one huge problem.

(Joe)

Say hello to Beulah!

[all laughing]

[laughter]

Everybody is afraid

of the dentist.

And today, they should be.

That's because we're working

as dental assistants

at Paramount Oral Surgery

and we've got to help

the patients out.

Yeah, helping them

by doing and saying

what we're told by

the other guys.

And if you refuse, you lose.

[all laughing]

[laughs]

What are you doing?

I'm looking official,

so when they walk in

it looks like I'm

doing something.

You're totally messing this

whole computer system up.

You just deleted somebody's

wisdom tooth file.

[all laugh]

[knock on door]

Come in!

'Just finishing up.

One moment.'

(Q)

Please have a seat.

And...send.

Got that email out.

Excellent.

Yes.

You taking the stitches out

or they gonna dissolve?

Uh, the stitches?

Uh, the doctor w-will definitely

make a determination on that.

I'm here just get you

up and started.

So, I was at Atlantic City

over the weekend.

And everybody's eating steak,

and I'm eating crab cakes

in the steakhouse, you know?

(Joe)

'Tell him that's not your

worst story about crabs.'

Those [bleep] crab cakes.

That's not my worst story

involving crabs

in Atlantic City

if you know what I mean.

[laughter]

Alright, um, so--

(Sal)

'Q, take that suction wand'

and suck your own face.

Okay, so how long ago

did you have the procedure?

[air hissing]

- Thursday, last week.

- Oh, okay.

[laughter]

(Q)

I hope I..

I hope I..

[laughing]

(Murr)

'Q, time to get

a little more intimate.'

"I like wearing the scrubs,

'cause it makes me

look like a nurse."

Then I like wearing the

scrubs, too, 'cause it..

...kind of makes me

look like a nurse.

"And everybody wants

to bang a nurse."

[Sal laughs]

And everybody wants

to bang a nurse.

[Jokers laughing]

(Murr)

[bleep].

(Murr)

"Let me take a look at

the stitches real quick."

Let me just take a look at

those stitches real quick.

Say "Ah."

"I want to kiss you

so bad right now."

[Jokers laughing]

I just want to go

get that doctor..

...so bad right now.

[Sal laughing]

Oh, my God. I'm nervous.

You don't know

how anything works!

I don't know anything.

You don't know

how anything works!

I don't even know

what I'm doing!

I-I don't know

what the first thing to do is!

[Jokers laughing]

Yes. Come in.

Uh, pull it.

[Jokers laughing]

Have a seat,

make yourself comfortable.

So, you're here for an

extraction consultation?

[laughing]

Recline him back

as far as you can go.

Now, you said you got this in

October. Let me ask you this.

Give or take October.

[Sal laughing]

Excuse me.

I don't remember

if it was October or not.

(Murr)

'Raise it all the way

up to the ceiling.'

(Sal)

Um..

[laughter continues]

The doctor will look at, uh..

The doctor will..

How long was it

before you saw the doctor?

(Murr)

Keep the chair moving

the whole time, buddy.

Don't stop.

But it was swollen.

(Murr)

'Don't stop the chair

from moving.'

He can't keep it together.

Okay.

[laughing]

Sorry.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

[indistinct chatter]

We're definitely gonna be

able to fix it.

If you want to do..

You want to do it today?

[laughs]

I'm gonna get him right now.

Give me one second.

[Sal laughing]

I'm getting him right now.

- 'Look at it!'

- 'He's just gonna fall!'

[Sal laughing]

I can't do it!

I can't do it!

- He's gonna fall!

- I can't do it!

(Sal)

'I can't do it!

I can't do it!'

'I can't do it!

I can't even..'

[buzzer]

Joe. How are you?

Good.

(Joe)

Go ahead and lean back.

So, we're coming in, just

checking out that upper apico?

Joe, I want you to now wheel

that tray of utensils

over by you,

and please explain to him

what each one is in detail.

That's the, uh,

that's a peekaboo.

That's what they call that,

it's to use to get

right in the undercarriage

back up there.

In the industry, we call this

the, uh,

"Bilateral hammer-ray rammer."

And, uh, because it really..

See how it's sloped up?

You go up, but you flip it over,

it's sloped down.

[laughter]

So, this one's called the, uh

"Arch nemesis barfing," thing.

But that's a shoehorn.

I don't know how

that got in there.

[laughter]

Somebody must've just left

that there.

Uh, this guy is scarier

than it looks.

In the industry, we call this,

uh...the mother [bleep]

'cause it really,

you get it in there

and yank, and you yank it out.

It hurts like a mother [bleep].

Hi, Nicole. How are you?

James. So nice to meet you.

Come on in.

Have a seat, please.

Murr, spin on the stool

as you explain it.

You won't even feel anything.

Hold on one second.

- 'Crash into things, Murr.'

- Okay.

[metal clinking]

(Q)

'Great.'

Keep going.

[Jokers laughing]

Um, I need you to hold on

to this mirror.

He looks like a mad scientist!

Let me get this right here..

[clacking]

Oh.

I got to get somebody.

I got to get

somebody on that, fast.

- 'Just roll out of the room.'

- Okay.

[Jokers laughing]

(male narrator)

Sal and Q really

bit it on that one.

We're working at the movies

behind the concession stand

selling snacks to customers.

And we have to do and say

whatever the other guys

tell us to.

Wha-hyah!

[laughter]

Wear a tie like a grown-up.

Can I have my bow tie?

- 'Joe, help these guys out.'

- How much is it?

- What candy you want?

- Small popcorn.

"Do you want, uh, D popcorn?"

- ' D popcorn?'

- Sure.

- Sure.

- Oh!

- Joe--

- Joe, give him some D popcorn!

(Q)

'What exactly is D popcorn?'

'Looks like he's got

something in mind.'

(Sal)

'Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.'

That's D popcorn, right?

[Jokers laughing]

$ . .

[Sal laughs]

And what can I get you?

At the end of every sentence,

leave your mouth hanging open.

Medium popcorn

and a thing of sour patch.

$ . .

[Jokers laughing]

So this is a-a visa?

(Q)

'Bigger, bigger, bigger.'

Open it wider!

[laughing continues]

Uh, what size, small,

medium, large?

"Let me guess,

the Tyler Perry movie?"

(Q)

'Ohh. Ohh!'

Uh..

Can we get a popcorn?

Uh, what size, small, medium,

large, extra large?

"Let me guess,

the Tyler Perry movie?"

(Q)

'Ohh. Ohh!'

Let me guess,

the Tyler Perry movie?

(Q)

'Oh!'

I cannot believe

you said that.

[speaking in foreign language]

- Let me get two hot dogs.

- Two hot dogs.

Whew!

- Hello. Welcome to the theater.

- Small popcorn.

Small popcorn. Just one?

Now, Murr, whip your head

back real fast

'and just give them

a evil look and look back.'

[Jokers laughing]

(Sal)

'Do it again! Do it..'

[laughing continues]

Q, you didn't

tuck your shirt in.

- No.

- Why not?

- 'Q, tuck your shirt in!'

- 'You know what you look like?'

This is not the m*llitary.

Q, help these customers

doing your best

Christopher Walken impression.

[imitating Christopher Walken]

Okay, what can I help you with?

We're late

for our movie, though.

- Could we have a diet--

- You're late for your movie?

Yeah.

Please. Medium diet coke.

- What.. A what?

- A diet coke!

What size? What size?

Oh, [bleep] are you

gonna work or no?

- Stop it.

- Whoa!

Medium popcorn,

nachos and cheese.

[bleep] work.

(all)

Oh!

- We want to watch a movie.

- Alright, alright.

- Medium coke.

- Medium diet coke.

Medium diet coke?

Is everything alright

over here?

Everything is phenomenal!

- You sure?

- Yes! What else would you like?

Nachos and cheese,

medium popcorn.

That is a lot

of saturated fat! What else?

- Yeah, I know.

- Keep it moving now.

[laughter]

Let me see your basketball, kid.

Alright, go get it.

Leave me alone!

[bell dings]

- Can I help you, miss?

- Oh, yeah.

- Twizzlers.

- Sure.

Real quick, "are you

interested in independent film?

Are you interested

in independent film?

Because I've got a new

independent film coming out."

'Cause I have a new

independent film coming out.

"Yeah, there's a big poster

for it right in the back

if you look behind you."

There's a big poster for it

in the back?

(Joe)

'Against the wall, Sal,

against the wall.'

- 'Behind her, behind her!'

- 'Behind her.'

(Joe)

'"Sal Sleeps," it's called.'

Oh, my God.

[laughing]

That's a picture of me sleeping.

That's gonna go online,

on Facebook.

"Everyone, look at my poster

for 'Sal Sleeps!'"

Everybody.

I have a movie coming out.

It's called "Sal Sleeps,"

the poster's over there.

It comes out next week

if you want to see it.

Yeah, it's very independent.

I-I almost didn't even

make it myself.

When-when was that taken?

Uh, when we were driving,

you fell asleep.

- Last week?

- Last week, yeah.

We don't need much time.

Well, you [bleep] me down here.

You guys got coupons.

I got you.

Be a sassy woman.

[laughs]

[sassily]

What's up, scoop neck?

[laughter]

Whew, you wearing the hell

out of that shirt, boy!

We just want to get

popcorn and nachos.

Almond joy's got them nuts,

y'all!

- Sal, keep that sass up.

- I've had enough sass.

- No, there's not enough sass.

- I'm sassed.

Sal, up the sass %.

I've been ten pounds of sass

in a five-pound sack.

Twenty five percent more sass.

- I need % more sass!

- Thank you.

[sassily]

I bet those glasses

make you see better!

[Jokers laughing]

[upbeat music]

(male narrator)

The guys snuck out

of the movies without a loss.

Oh, my God,

it seems like

everybody's got a blog

these days.

So today, we're trying

to get people

to let us take their

pictures for our blog.

But we don't know

the name of our own blog

until the other guys tell us.

And if you can't convince

the person

to take a picture, you lose.

(Murr)

'Sal, the guy in

the blue T-shirt.'

- 'Yes, definitely.'

- Excuse me.

I, uh, have a blog,

a daily blog.

It's a popular blog,

and you'd be perfect for it.

What's the blog about?

It's called

"Virgins For Sure."

It's, uh.. You might have

heard of it.

It's called "Virgins For Sure."

[both laugh]

Would you mind if I took a

photo of you for the blog?

Nah, I might pass on that.

- Yeah, you sure? Alright.

- Thanks. Yeah.

- It's all in good fun.

- Oh!

That man gets laid daily.

[buzzer]

(Joe)

'The problem with Murray is

that he has to ask permission'

to take the picture instead

of hiding in the bushes

and snapping away.

(Q)

'Murr, the man in

the Polo shirt.'

Sir.

I-I run a blog here in the city.

And you'd actually be really

good to be featured on the blog.

It's called

"Dads I Wish I Had."

It's-it's, uh..

It's called, uh, uh

called "Dads I Wish I Had,"

uh, do-dot com.

You look-you look like you..

You're a good dad.

My dad ran out on my mom

when I was like two

but then he came back

when I was eight.

Left again, stole all our money.

Just a real d*ck, you know.

- What's your name? Dad? Dad?

- Dan. Dan.

Do you mind if I snap

a photo for it?

Cool.

Smile, daddy.

[Jokers laughing]

Thank you.

Thank you, dad.

- 'Joe, the guy with the beard.'

- Oh, hey, man.

I see you're a fellow

picture-taker.

I'm taking some pictures

for my blog today.

I actually run a blog that you'd

be perfect for.

"Fashion Of The Christ."

The name of it is, uh,

"Fashion Of The Christ."

"Fashion Of The Christ."

It's gentlemen

who resemble, uh, Jesus

but have fashion sense.

Third day, he moved the rock

and he came out

and walked the runway, you know?

'That's exactly

what's happening.'

The logo is,

it's him on a crucifix

but he's got a pashmina on.

If you learned anything

from Corinthians -

it's not to wear

brown shoes, black belt.

You know, that makes me

throw up in my mouth.

So, uh, can I take

a picture of you?

[laughing]

One, two, three. Oh.

The fashion sense,

it's a miracle.

(Joe)

'Oh, Q, get that guy

in all white.'

I'm taking pictures for

a blog today in the park

and you would be

absolutely perfect.

Have you heard of the blog?

It's-it's called, uh..

"Uptighty-whities."

[laughter]

♪ Hey hey hey hey hey ♪♪

I'm taking pictures for

a blog today in the park

and you would be

absolutely perfect.

Have you heard of the blog?

It's-it's called, uh..

"Uptighty-whities."

[laughter]

"Uptighty-whities."

'Never heard of

uptighty-whities?'

It's about, you know, white guys

who dress like white guys.

Ultra-white guys.

And you are, you are,

look at you.

You d-you define

ultra-white right now.

Yes, uptighty-whities.

Do you mind if I just take

a quick photo of you?

Thank you.

Dude, I'm loving you, bro.

- "Uptighty-whities!"

- Uptighty-whities.

He's like,

"Uptighty-whities."

(Q)

'I'm loving you.'

(male narrator)

Sal blew his blog,

which gives him two losses.

We're at the park where

we're gonna pull a seat up

next to a stranger

and simply ask them

"Penny for your thoughts?"

And after we hear

what they have to say

we have to tell

them what we're thinking.

But our thoughts are gonna be

given to us by the other guys.

The goal is to say

the stupid thing your friends

have told you

and continue the conversation.

If you can't complete

your thought, you lose.

(Joe)

Hey, Sal.

Right there on the left.

Black hair.

It's a hot one today, right?

It's hot today.

This looks like a clear

"He's trying to pick her up."

But I like the summer.

Is it that simple to get

the girl's phone number?

If you're Sal.

You can't do that.

They call the police on you.

Penny for your thoughts.

It's better to enjoy

this weather

because it clears

your mind, you know.

- It makes you feel good.

- Yeah.

"You-you want to know

what I'm thinking?"

"Fluoride in the water's

giving my son bitch "tittays.""

Oh, Lord.

Fluoride in the water

is giving my..

Fluoride in the water

is giving..

[laughter]

There's fluoride in the water,

alright?

Not good for anybody, you know?

[Joe laughing]

'He can't do it!'

The fluoride in the water is g..

I can't even do it.

The, the fluoride

in the water

is giving my son bitch..

[Sal laughs]

The fluoride in the water..

The fluoride in the water is

not good for you. It's not good.

The fluoride in the water is..

I can't believe

I can't say this.

[laughs]

You have a great day.

(Sal)

Have a great day.

[buzzer]

Girls, straight ahead.

Like, just sit on the bench

next to them?

[Q sighs]

That's gonna be so weird.

Oh, you want to share

that orange?

- I'll go in for an orange.

- Banana too?

Uh, I mean,

I'll take whatever.

Whichever one you girls

don't want, I'll take.

I can have both of them?

No, I mean, I'm not homeless.

I have a job.

Uh, penny for your thoughts,

ladies.

What are you two thinking

about right now?

- That it's hot?

- Alright.

I-I was earlier

thinking it was hot

but now what

I'm thinking..

"Do you notice it

when you look at me?"

Uh, do you notice it

when you look at me?

[Sal chuckling]

I mean, clearly, there's

something going on here

that you should be noticing.

"Well, can you smell it?"

[Jokers laughing]

Oh. Can you-can you see it

or smell it?

"Did you hear it?"

I mean, did you hear it?

[Joe laughing]

So, you don't see it,

you don't smell it

and you don't hear it.

"Is there a chance

you'll touch it?"

[Jokers laughing]

Is there, uh.. Is there

a chance you'll touch it?

Okay, we're gonna end!

Well, lovely talking to you,

girls.

Alright.

(male narrator)

Sal is at a loss for words

and he's also the big loser.

Oh, boy! We are at the

state fair Meadowlands

'for Sal's punishment,

and I have never been'

more excited in my life.

Sal, do you remember last season

'when we made you pick up

dog poop as your punishment?'

Oh, I got it.

[laughter]

[yells]

Yes.

Well, now we've gotten

bigger and better!

Say hello to Beulah!

[laughter]

Behind us is a huge pile

of elephant poop!

We've hidden

something in the poop

that's very personal to you.

(Joe)

When Sal showed up today,

we took his car keys.

We decided to hide them

in the elephant poop.

No, that's.. No.

(Q)

'I don't want to say anything,

but when the elephant'

crapped before,

I heard a "beep-boop"

from your, from your car.

(all)

Find those keys!

Find those keys!

[Joe laughs]

This ain't right, man!

[Joe laughing]

(Joe)

When Sal showed up today,

we took his car keys.

We decided to hide them

in the elephant poop.

(all)

Find those keys!

Find those keys!

[Joe laughing]

This ain't right, man!

[laughter continues]

- I mean, once I touch it, I--

- You're in.

- You can't un-touch it.

- You can't un-touch it.

[Q groans]

[Sal groaning]

(Joe)

It's a little deeper, buddy.

We're gonna be here

for a while.

(Q)

'Oh, my God.

It's so hard to watch.'

(all)

Oh!

[Joe laughs]

(Joe)

'His body won't let him do it!'

- 'Ooh.'

- Ohh.

(all)

Ohh!

[retches]

[spits]

- Oh, boy!

- Ohh!

- Deeper.

- Both hands, buddy. Both hands.

I know, but then

I lose this hand!

[Jokers laughing]

(all)

Ohh!

(Q)

'You don't know

it's not inside, dude.'

'You're never gonna find them

this way.'

- 'Ohh.'

- 'Oh, my God!'

(Joe)

Oh, attaboy, buddy.

Attaboy.

- Dig deep.

- Shut the [bleep] up!

Where the [bleep] is it?

[retches]

[breathing heavily]

(Joe)

Warmer, warmer.

No, is the poop, is it warmer

towards the bottom?

[coughs]

[whimpering]

My God! My God! Oh, my God!

Oh, God!

It's so [bleep] gross!

[Jokers laughing]

[Sal whimpering]

[laughter continues]

This is my worst nightmare!

Oh, my God!

(Joe)

'Almost to the middle!

In the middle!'

Oh, I was supposed to put it

in there?

'I was supposed to put

the key in there?'

You [bleep]!

[Jokers laughing]

"Beep-boop-boop!"

(Sal)

You [bleep]!

(Murr)

'So all that was..'

(all)

For nothing!

You know what? Guys.

I [bleep] love you guys.

- I love you, buddy.

- I have the keys.

- I love you.

- Ohh! Ohh!

(Q)

Oh, my God! You have elephant

[bleep] on your face!

[retches]
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