(male narrator)
Coming up, the guys
push Sal to the breaking point.
Keep the chair moving
the whole time, buddy.
[Sal laughing]
I can't do it!
(male narrator)
Q creates a scene
at the movies.
- A diet coke!
- What size?
[bleep] are you gonna work
or no?
(male narrator)
And Murr wants to know
who's his daddy.
- What's your name? Dad? Dad?
- Dan. Dan.
(male narrator)
And tonight's big loser has
to deal with one huge problem.
(Joe)
Say hello to Beulah!
[all laughing]
[laughter]
Everybody is afraid
of the dentist.
And today, they should be.
That's because we're working
as dental assistants
at Paramount Oral Surgery
and we've got to help
the patients out.
Yeah, helping them
by doing and saying
what we're told by
the other guys.
And if you refuse, you lose.
[all laughing]
[laughs]
What are you doing?
I'm looking official,
so when they walk in
it looks like I'm
doing something.
You're totally messing this
whole computer system up.
You just deleted somebody's
wisdom tooth file.
[all laugh]
[knock on door]
Come in!
'Just finishing up.
One moment.'
(Q)
Please have a seat.
And...send.
Got that email out.
Excellent.
Yes.
You taking the stitches out
or they gonna dissolve?
Uh, the stitches?
Uh, the doctor w-will definitely
make a determination on that.
I'm here just get you
up and started.
So, I was at Atlantic City
over the weekend.
And everybody's eating steak,
and I'm eating crab cakes
in the steakhouse, you know?
(Joe)
'Tell him that's not your
worst story about crabs.'
Those [bleep] crab cakes.
That's not my worst story
involving crabs
in Atlantic City
if you know what I mean.
[laughter]
Alright, um, so--
(Sal)
'Q, take that suction wand'
and suck your own face.
Okay, so how long ago
did you have the procedure?
[air hissing]
- Thursday, last week.
- Oh, okay.
[laughter]
(Q)
I hope I..
I hope I..
[laughing]
(Murr)
'Q, time to get
a little more intimate.'
"I like wearing the scrubs,
'cause it makes me
look like a nurse."
Then I like wearing the
scrubs, too, 'cause it..
...kind of makes me
look like a nurse.
"And everybody wants
to bang a nurse."
[Sal laughs]
And everybody wants
to bang a nurse.
[Jokers laughing]
(Murr)
[bleep].
(Murr)
"Let me take a look at
the stitches real quick."
Let me just take a look at
those stitches real quick.
Say "Ah."
"I want to kiss you
so bad right now."
[Jokers laughing]
I just want to go
get that doctor..
...so bad right now.
[Sal laughing]
Oh, my God. I'm nervous.
You don't know
how anything works!
I don't know anything.
You don't know
how anything works!
I don't even know
what I'm doing!
I-I don't know
what the first thing to do is!
[Jokers laughing]
Yes. Come in.
Uh, pull it.
[Jokers laughing]
Have a seat,
make yourself comfortable.
So, you're here for an
extraction consultation?
[laughing]
Recline him back
as far as you can go.
Now, you said you got this in
October. Let me ask you this.
Give or take October.
[Sal laughing]
Excuse me.
I don't remember
if it was October or not.
(Murr)
'Raise it all the way
up to the ceiling.'
(Sal)
Um..
[laughter continues]
The doctor will look at, uh..
The doctor will..
How long was it
before you saw the doctor?
(Murr)
Keep the chair moving
the whole time, buddy.
Don't stop.
But it was swollen.
(Murr)
'Don't stop the chair
from moving.'
He can't keep it together.
Okay.
[laughing]
Sorry.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
[indistinct chatter]
We're definitely gonna be
able to fix it.
If you want to do..
You want to do it today?
[laughs]
I'm gonna get him right now.
Give me one second.
[Sal laughing]
I'm getting him right now.
- 'Look at it!'
- 'He's just gonna fall!'
[Sal laughing]
I can't do it!
I can't do it!
- He's gonna fall!
- I can't do it!
(Sal)
'I can't do it!
I can't do it!'
'I can't do it!
I can't even..'
[buzzer]
Joe. How are you?
Good.
(Joe)
Go ahead and lean back.
So, we're coming in, just
checking out that upper apico?
Joe, I want you to now wheel
that tray of utensils
over by you,
and please explain to him
what each one is in detail.
That's the, uh,
that's a peekaboo.
That's what they call that,
it's to use to get
right in the undercarriage
back up there.
In the industry, we call this
the, uh,
"Bilateral hammer-ray rammer."
And, uh, because it really..
See how it's sloped up?
You go up, but you flip it over,
it's sloped down.
[laughter]
So, this one's called the, uh
"Arch nemesis barfing," thing.
But that's a shoehorn.
I don't know how
that got in there.
[laughter]
Somebody must've just left
that there.
Uh, this guy is scarier
than it looks.
In the industry, we call this,
uh...the mother [bleep]
'cause it really,
you get it in there
and yank, and you yank it out.
It hurts like a mother [bleep].
Hi, Nicole. How are you?
James. So nice to meet you.
Come on in.
Have a seat, please.
Murr, spin on the stool
as you explain it.
You won't even feel anything.
Hold on one second.
- 'Crash into things, Murr.'
- Okay.
[metal clinking]
(Q)
'Great.'
Keep going.
[Jokers laughing]
Um, I need you to hold on
to this mirror.
He looks like a mad scientist!
Let me get this right here..
[clacking]
Oh.
I got to get somebody.
I got to get
somebody on that, fast.
- 'Just roll out of the room.'
- Okay.
[Jokers laughing]
(male narrator)
Sal and Q really
bit it on that one.
We're working at the movies
behind the concession stand
selling snacks to customers.
And we have to do and say
whatever the other guys
tell us to.
Wha-hyah!
[laughter]
Wear a tie like a grown-up.
Can I have my bow tie?
- 'Joe, help these guys out.'
- How much is it?
- What candy you want?
- Small popcorn.
"Do you want, uh, D popcorn?"
- ' D popcorn?'
- Sure.
- Sure.
- Oh!
- Joe--
- Joe, give him some D popcorn!
(Q)
'What exactly is D popcorn?'
'Looks like he's got
something in mind.'
(Sal)
'Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.'
That's D popcorn, right?
[Jokers laughing]
$ . .
[Sal laughs]
And what can I get you?
At the end of every sentence,
leave your mouth hanging open.
Medium popcorn
and a thing of sour patch.
$ . .
[Jokers laughing]
So this is a-a visa?
(Q)
'Bigger, bigger, bigger.'
Open it wider!
[laughing continues]
Uh, what size, small,
medium, large?
"Let me guess,
the Tyler Perry movie?"
(Q)
'Ohh. Ohh!'
Uh..
Can we get a popcorn?
Uh, what size, small, medium,
large, extra large?
"Let me guess,
the Tyler Perry movie?"
(Q)
'Ohh. Ohh!'
Let me guess,
the Tyler Perry movie?
(Q)
'Oh!'
I cannot believe
you said that.
[speaking in foreign language]
- Let me get two hot dogs.
- Two hot dogs.
Whew!
- Hello. Welcome to the theater.
- Small popcorn.
Small popcorn. Just one?
Now, Murr, whip your head
back real fast
'and just give them
a evil look and look back.'
[Jokers laughing]
(Sal)
'Do it again! Do it..'
[laughing continues]
Q, you didn't
tuck your shirt in.
- No.
- Why not?
- 'Q, tuck your shirt in!'
- 'You know what you look like?'
This is not the m*llitary.
Q, help these customers
doing your best
Christopher Walken impression.
[imitating Christopher Walken]
Okay, what can I help you with?
We're late
for our movie, though.
- Could we have a diet--
- You're late for your movie?
Yeah.
Please. Medium diet coke.
- What.. A what?
- A diet coke!
What size? What size?
Oh, [bleep] are you
gonna work or no?
- Stop it.
- Whoa!
Medium popcorn,
nachos and cheese.
[bleep] work.
(all)
Oh!
- We want to watch a movie.
- Alright, alright.
- Medium coke.
- Medium diet coke.
Medium diet coke?
Is everything alright
over here?
Everything is phenomenal!
- You sure?
- Yes! What else would you like?
Nachos and cheese,
medium popcorn.
That is a lot
of saturated fat! What else?
- Yeah, I know.
- Keep it moving now.
[laughter]
Let me see your basketball, kid.
Alright, go get it.
Leave me alone!
[bell dings]
- Can I help you, miss?
- Oh, yeah.
- Twizzlers.
- Sure.
Real quick, "are you
interested in independent film?
Are you interested
in independent film?
Because I've got a new
independent film coming out."
'Cause I have a new
independent film coming out.
"Yeah, there's a big poster
for it right in the back
if you look behind you."
There's a big poster for it
in the back?
(Joe)
'Against the wall, Sal,
against the wall.'
- 'Behind her, behind her!'
- 'Behind her.'
(Joe)
'"Sal Sleeps," it's called.'
Oh, my God.
[laughing]
That's a picture of me sleeping.
That's gonna go online,
on Facebook.
"Everyone, look at my poster
for 'Sal Sleeps!'"
Everybody.
I have a movie coming out.
It's called "Sal Sleeps,"
the poster's over there.
It comes out next week
if you want to see it.
Yeah, it's very independent.
I-I almost didn't even
make it myself.
When-when was that taken?
Uh, when we were driving,
you fell asleep.
- Last week?
- Last week, yeah.
We don't need much time.
Well, you [bleep] me down here.
You guys got coupons.
I got you.
Be a sassy woman.
[laughs]
[sassily]
What's up, scoop neck?
[laughter]
Whew, you wearing the hell
out of that shirt, boy!
We just want to get
popcorn and nachos.
Almond joy's got them nuts,
y'all!
- Sal, keep that sass up.
- I've had enough sass.
- No, there's not enough sass.
- I'm sassed.
Sal, up the sass %.
I've been ten pounds of sass
in a five-pound sack.
Twenty five percent more sass.
- I need % more sass!
- Thank you.
[sassily]
I bet those glasses
make you see better!
[Jokers laughing]
[upbeat music]
(male narrator)
The guys snuck out
of the movies without a loss.
Oh, my God,
it seems like
everybody's got a blog
these days.
So today, we're trying
to get people
to let us take their
pictures for our blog.
But we don't know
the name of our own blog
until the other guys tell us.
And if you can't convince
the person
to take a picture, you lose.
(Murr)
'Sal, the guy in
the blue T-shirt.'
- 'Yes, definitely.'
- Excuse me.
I, uh, have a blog,
a daily blog.
It's a popular blog,
and you'd be perfect for it.
What's the blog about?
It's called
"Virgins For Sure."
It's, uh.. You might have
heard of it.
It's called "Virgins For Sure."
[both laugh]
Would you mind if I took a
photo of you for the blog?
Nah, I might pass on that.
- Yeah, you sure? Alright.
- Thanks. Yeah.
- It's all in good fun.
- Oh!
That man gets laid daily.
[buzzer]
(Joe)
'The problem with Murray is
that he has to ask permission'
to take the picture instead
of hiding in the bushes
and snapping away.
(Q)
'Murr, the man in
the Polo shirt.'
Sir.
I-I run a blog here in the city.
And you'd actually be really
good to be featured on the blog.
It's called
"Dads I Wish I Had."
It's-it's, uh..
It's called, uh, uh
called "Dads I Wish I Had,"
uh, do-dot com.
You look-you look like you..
You're a good dad.
My dad ran out on my mom
when I was like two
but then he came back
when I was eight.
Left again, stole all our money.
Just a real d*ck, you know.
- What's your name? Dad? Dad?
- Dan. Dan.
Do you mind if I snap
a photo for it?
Cool.
Smile, daddy.
[Jokers laughing]
Thank you.
Thank you, dad.
- 'Joe, the guy with the beard.'
- Oh, hey, man.
I see you're a fellow
picture-taker.
I'm taking some pictures
for my blog today.
I actually run a blog that you'd
be perfect for.
"Fashion Of The Christ."
The name of it is, uh,
"Fashion Of The Christ."
"Fashion Of The Christ."
It's gentlemen
who resemble, uh, Jesus
but have fashion sense.
Third day, he moved the rock
and he came out
and walked the runway, you know?
'That's exactly
what's happening.'
The logo is,
it's him on a crucifix
but he's got a pashmina on.
If you learned anything
from Corinthians -
it's not to wear
brown shoes, black belt.
You know, that makes me
throw up in my mouth.
So, uh, can I take
a picture of you?
[laughing]
One, two, three. Oh.
The fashion sense,
it's a miracle.
(Joe)
'Oh, Q, get that guy
in all white.'
I'm taking pictures for
a blog today in the park
and you would be
absolutely perfect.
Have you heard of the blog?
It's-it's called, uh..
"Uptighty-whities."
[laughter]
♪ Hey hey hey hey hey ♪♪
I'm taking pictures for
a blog today in the park
and you would be
absolutely perfect.
Have you heard of the blog?
It's-it's called, uh..
"Uptighty-whities."
[laughter]
"Uptighty-whities."
'Never heard of
uptighty-whities?'
It's about, you know, white guys
who dress like white guys.
Ultra-white guys.
And you are, you are,
look at you.
You d-you define
ultra-white right now.
Yes, uptighty-whities.
Do you mind if I just take
a quick photo of you?
Thank you.
Dude, I'm loving you, bro.
- "Uptighty-whities!"
- Uptighty-whities.
He's like,
"Uptighty-whities."
(Q)
'I'm loving you.'
(male narrator)
Sal blew his blog,
which gives him two losses.
We're at the park where
we're gonna pull a seat up
next to a stranger
and simply ask them
"Penny for your thoughts?"
And after we hear
what they have to say
we have to tell
them what we're thinking.
But our thoughts are gonna be
given to us by the other guys.
The goal is to say
the stupid thing your friends
have told you
and continue the conversation.
If you can't complete
your thought, you lose.
(Joe)
Hey, Sal.
Right there on the left.
Black hair.
It's a hot one today, right?
It's hot today.
This looks like a clear
"He's trying to pick her up."
But I like the summer.
Is it that simple to get
the girl's phone number?
If you're Sal.
You can't do that.
They call the police on you.
Penny for your thoughts.
It's better to enjoy
this weather
because it clears
your mind, you know.
- It makes you feel good.
- Yeah.
"You-you want to know
what I'm thinking?"
"Fluoride in the water's
giving my son bitch "tittays.""
Oh, Lord.
Fluoride in the water
is giving my..
Fluoride in the water
is giving..
[laughter]
There's fluoride in the water,
alright?
Not good for anybody, you know?
[Joe laughing]
'He can't do it!'
The fluoride in the water is g..
I can't even do it.
The, the fluoride
in the water
is giving my son bitch..
[Sal laughs]
The fluoride in the water..
The fluoride in the water is
not good for you. It's not good.
The fluoride in the water is..
I can't believe
I can't say this.
[laughs]
You have a great day.
(Sal)
Have a great day.
[buzzer]
Girls, straight ahead.
Like, just sit on the bench
next to them?
[Q sighs]
That's gonna be so weird.
Oh, you want to share
that orange?
- I'll go in for an orange.
- Banana too?
Uh, I mean,
I'll take whatever.
Whichever one you girls
don't want, I'll take.
I can have both of them?
No, I mean, I'm not homeless.
I have a job.
Uh, penny for your thoughts,
ladies.
What are you two thinking
about right now?
- That it's hot?
- Alright.
I-I was earlier
thinking it was hot
but now what
I'm thinking..
"Do you notice it
when you look at me?"
Uh, do you notice it
when you look at me?
[Sal chuckling]
I mean, clearly, there's
something going on here
that you should be noticing.
"Well, can you smell it?"
[Jokers laughing]
Oh. Can you-can you see it
or smell it?
"Did you hear it?"
I mean, did you hear it?
[Joe laughing]
So, you don't see it,
you don't smell it
and you don't hear it.
"Is there a chance
you'll touch it?"
[Jokers laughing]
Is there, uh.. Is there
a chance you'll touch it?
Okay, we're gonna end!
Well, lovely talking to you,
girls.
Alright.
(male narrator)
Sal is at a loss for words
and he's also the big loser.
Oh, boy! We are at the
state fair Meadowlands
'for Sal's punishment,
and I have never been'
more excited in my life.
Sal, do you remember last season
'when we made you pick up
dog poop as your punishment?'
Oh, I got it.
[laughter]
[yells]
Yes.
Well, now we've gotten
bigger and better!
Say hello to Beulah!
[laughter]
Behind us is a huge pile
of elephant poop!
We've hidden
something in the poop
that's very personal to you.
(Joe)
When Sal showed up today,
we took his car keys.
We decided to hide them
in the elephant poop.
No, that's.. No.
(Q)
'I don't want to say anything,
but when the elephant'
crapped before,
I heard a "beep-boop"
from your, from your car.
(all)
Find those keys!
Find those keys!
[Joe laughs]
This ain't right, man!
[Joe laughing]
(Joe)
When Sal showed up today,
we took his car keys.
We decided to hide them
in the elephant poop.
(all)
Find those keys!
Find those keys!
[Joe laughing]
This ain't right, man!
[laughter continues]
- I mean, once I touch it, I--
- You're in.
- You can't un-touch it.
- You can't un-touch it.
[Q groans]
[Sal groaning]
(Joe)
It's a little deeper, buddy.
We're gonna be here
for a while.
(Q)
'Oh, my God.
It's so hard to watch.'
(all)
Oh!
[Joe laughs]
(Joe)
'His body won't let him do it!'
- 'Ooh.'
- Ohh.
(all)
Ohh!
[retches]
[spits]
- Oh, boy!
- Ohh!
- Deeper.
- Both hands, buddy. Both hands.
I know, but then
I lose this hand!
[Jokers laughing]
(all)
Ohh!
(Q)
'You don't know
it's not inside, dude.'
'You're never gonna find them
this way.'
- 'Ohh.'
- 'Oh, my God!'
(Joe)
Oh, attaboy, buddy.
Attaboy.
- Dig deep.
- Shut the [bleep] up!
Where the [bleep] is it?
[retches]
[breathing heavily]
(Joe)
Warmer, warmer.
No, is the poop, is it warmer
towards the bottom?
[coughs]
[whimpering]
My God! My God! Oh, my God!
Oh, God!
It's so [bleep] gross!
[Jokers laughing]
[Sal whimpering]
[laughter continues]
This is my worst nightmare!
Oh, my God!
(Joe)
'Almost to the middle!
In the middle!'
Oh, I was supposed to put it
in there?
'I was supposed to put
the key in there?'
You [bleep]!
[Jokers laughing]
"Beep-boop-boop!"
(Sal)
You [bleep]!
(Murr)
'So all that was..'
(all)
For nothing!
You know what? Guys.
I [bleep] love you guys.
- I love you, buddy.
- I have the keys.
- I love you.
- Ohh! Ohh!
(Q)
Oh, my God! You have elephant
[bleep] on your face!
[retches]
02x01 - Elephant in the Room
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.