02x11 - Get Out of Dodge

[bunniefuu]

(male narrator)

Coming up..

...what has Murr pushed

to his breaking point?

Murray, Murray lost it!

(male narrator)

The guys put Sal up

against the wall.

[laughter]

Who put that wall there,

right?

[laughing]

I'm running for City Council.

(male narrator)

Q has to stand up

for what he believes in.

m*rder is jail

unless they're sexy.

(male narrator)

And tonight's big loser

can't dodge

the most punishing

punishment of all time.

No mercy!

[laughter]

We're opticians

at J.V. Optical

checking eyes and taking names.

During the exam, we'll have

to do and say what the other

"Doctors" tell us.

At the end,

the patient has to rate

how satisfied they are

with our service.

Whoever gets the lowest score

loses.

I'm Dr. Quinn, but you can

call me Brian.

Very nice to meet you.

Please have a seat.

When did you say your last

eye exam was?

When did you say your last

eye exam was?

Well, I had one last year.

- You had one last year?

- Yeah.

Okay, so, you got two

eyeballs here.

Alright.

Well, you got two eyeballs.

[laughing]

So, do you get headaches?

Do you get, do you get, uh

do you get headaches?

- No.

- No, no headaches.

I get headaches.

I get headaches.

When I wake up drunk

in the gutter.

[laughter]

[groans]

Wh-When I, uh

sometimes..

...when you wake up drunk

in a gutter

you wake up with headaches.

Yes.

[laughter]

On the floor,

we hid an eye chart for you.

Could you hang it

on the wall there?

[laughter]

- You wanna read that?

- Q..

- "Q."

- Is..

Is..

- Q is fat.

- Fat, right.

It keeps going, though.

Keep going.

It doesn't just end there.

"Like Rosie O," like the person?

Like, yes, exactly, like a fat

Rosie O'Donnell.

[laughter]

True or false?

True or false?

True or false?

- True.

- True?

True.

Uh, I just have to get

you to rate

your eye exam today, Shawna.

Alright, alright, you're done.

- Oh, !

- 'Aah!'

- Everybody loves fat Rosie O.

- Yeah.

Thank you so much, Shawna.

I'm Dr. Vulcano.

- Hi.

- I'll be doing my best.

How are you?

- Okay, so, just sit down.

- Alright.

On your left there,

just roll over in the chair

and give yourself a pep talk.

[laughs]

Pep-talk it.

Give me one sec.

[sighs]

You have worked for this

your whole life.

You graduated

at the top of your class.

Forget about that cadaver's

eye that you blew up.

[laughter]

Forget about that eyeball

in the institute.

People have always liked you.

Leave your baggage at the door.

Leave your baggage at the door

and we're gonna do this.

One, two, eyeballs.

"One, two, eyeballs."

Let's do it.

- Say that again.

- Let's do it.

(James)

'Okay, buddy, stand up.'

There's, uh, on the right side

'there's a pair

of brown glasses..'

- Let me just get..

- 'The dark-brown ones.'

These glasses are magnified.

When you put them on, buddy,

you're..

You're blind as a bat.

[laughter]

(James)

'Huge eyes.'

Uh, alright.

I'm gonna look at your eyes.

Right.

(Brian)

'That's it.

Keep missing her face.'

- Alright.

- Put it over her ear.

Put it over her ear.

So, now I want you to close

your left eye.

[laughter]

Okay, now I'm gonna put this

over your left eye.

Now open your left eye

and close your right eye.

Are you doing it?

"Are you doing it?"

[laughter]

Great. Okay.

Sal, put that black thing

away. Miss the table.

[laughter]

(Joseph)

'Oh, my god!'

Stand up and walk

into the wall.

Alright.

[laughter]

Now, let's check your, um,

your depth perception.

I'm gonna stand back here.

[laughter]

[laughs]

Who put that wall there, right?

[laughter]

We're just asking the customers

to, just on a scale of one to

uh, how they thought, you know,

the session went.

No, he's getting a one.

- There we go.

- No.

- 'Aah!'

- 'Three?'

- Four.

- Four!

Thank you so much, Vicki.

- How are you today?

- Pretty good. How are you?

Good, good, good, good.

'So, you have glasses

on your face there.'

I see you have the glasses

on your face there..

(Sal)

'And you have glasses

on your chest there.'

And you also have glasses

on your chest.

Be confused by sunglasses,

Murray.

[laughter]

What do you use those for?

But they're not prescription.

So, to what purpose, then?

Oh, for the sun.

Hence the name.

[laughter]

I've never needed glasses.

I personally have never

needed glasses.

(Joseph)

'My vision is / .'

"My vision is / ."

They call me Barbara Walters.

"They call me Barbara Walters."

Because of my

feminine qualities.

[laughter]

Because of my--

No, no, no. Because

of my feminine qualities.

[laughter]

All the doctors today,

as we're giving these free exams

we ask that you rate our exam.

(James)

'Okay? On one to ten.'

- 'One!'

- 'Is it a one or a two?'

- 'It's a one.'

- 'It's a one.'

This has been an unusual exam.

Yep.

- How's it going?

- Good.

Good. How long you been

wearing contacts?

Seventh grade, huh?

(Brian)

'Alright, let's give Joey

some disorders.'

Joe, twitch your jaw

as you're examining her eye.

Uh, if you could look

in the

in the hole, yeah.

Just look in it.

[instrumental music]

(Murray)

'Your jaw can't stop twitching.'

(Brian)

'There you go. There you go.'

[laughter]

Have d*ck butkus Tourette's.

(Sal)

'Just yell out "d*ck butkus."'

[groans]

Have you ever, uh, corneas have

been scratched or anything

like that, have you?

"d*ck butkus."

[laughter]

Last year?

What? You scratchin' them?

d*ck butkus.

[laughter]

You've got good dilation

in that eye.

Let's try the other one.

d*ck butkus.

[laughter]

Okay, so, what we're doing

today is you're just rating

how your eye exam is, uh,

on a scale of one to ten.

Just circle. I'll give you some

privacy for a second.

Uh, ten.

Ten!

Ten! That's great.

(male narrator)

Murr got blindsided

in the exam room

so he's seen his way

to the loser board.

- Gentlemen, bear with me.

- Okay.

These are real.

- What?!

- Wow.

- When did you get glasses?

- These are my new glasses.

Oh, my god. That's what you

really look like?

[laughter]

(male narrator)

Coming up, it's our

ballsiest punishment ever.

[grunts]

[spectators groan]

We're teaming up

as financial advisors

giving a seminar

on how to make money.

The problem is, we have no

idea what's in the presentation

'cause it's been made

by the other team.

When we're done presenting,

we'll ask how many attendees

feel they received

sound financial advice.

Whichever team gets the fewest

amount of hands raised loses.

Sal's a financial guru.

I have a Bachelor's

in finance.

Sal's the anchor point

in this.

Hey, how are you guys?

I don't know that Sal's

the anchor point

in anything ever, ever.

Thank you for coming.

My name is James Murray.

I'm Sal Vulcano.

(James)

'We are financial advisors.'

We've prepared a presentation

for you.

'We'll take you through,

slide by slide.'

Let's begin.

Okay, so, "How to invest."

'Uh, research before you put

your money into anything.'

Take out everything you know

about spending

and spend time relearning.

Okay. Keep in mind,

interest rates, they're--

Sal, you want to chime in

on this one, buddy?

James, I know you slept

with my girlfriend.

[laughter]

Maybe we can have a frank

discussion about it after this

but I just wanted to let you

know that I know

and I hope you remember

this feeling right now.

Let's move on.

[laughter]

(James)

'Uh, some tips

to gain investors.'

'Uh..'

[laughter]

"Racists have money, so know

a few good r*cist jokes."

[laughter]

Sal?

[laughter]

He's passing the buck.

Murr tried to pass it.

Sal passed it back

with the point. Look at that.

Murr's falling apart here.

'First time I've ever seen

Murray sweat. Look at him go.'

A fun way to say, uh,

cater to your clients.

'Okay, if you are

in a room full of racists'

have a few in the pocket

ready to go. A metaphor.

- Oh, it's a metaphor.

- Oh, right, right, for racism.

Okay. Okay.

Uh..

[laughter]

Uh..

[laughs]

(Brian)

'Come on, guys, something.

Anything.'

(Joseph)

'They're all staring at you.'

"Put a quarter in your ass

because you played yo' self!"

[laughter]

What does that mean?

Uh, that's what we like to say

'to people who have

not followed'

'our financial advice.'

(Joseph)

'Murray lost it.'

[laughs]

"Two must-haves for proper

money management."

[laughs]

A handgun..

(Joseph)

'He can't even say it.'

You don't want to use them

together.

[laughter]

We're a good team. We should do

this more often. Yeah.

Uh, by show of hands,

do you feel

you have learned

something valuable

in today's

financial seminar?

Please raise your hand.

Two. So, it's two?

[ding]

- We can b*at two.

- I could do two without you.

- Hello, how are you?

- Hey, hello.

How are you? Welcome.

Oh, my God.

'This is a serious group

of people.'

Brian and I are a pair

of financial advisors.

We'll give you some of our tips

that we've come along

across the way.

Ready [bleep]

[laughs]

Uh, we special in, uh..

We specialize in..

This isn't even

the hard part.

(Sal)

'Hit the next button.'

(Brian)

'"Ways of making money."'

Many ways out there.

Everybody's got a scheme

an angle, but there's some

that are just universal.

Alright, so explain them,

then.

(Joseph)

'"Low-risk, high-yield

investments."'

Little risk, a lot of yield.

You don't want to put too much

risk out there

and you bring

a lot of yield in.

- It's all about the yield.

- Right. Thank you.

And also high-risk,

low-yield investments.

(Joseph)

'That's talking about it

the other way.'

Right. Moving on.

(Joseph)

"High-yield,

low-risk investments."

So, now, if you guys are getting

the pattern..

That's just the opposite

of that, but it means

'the same thing 'cause we really

want to drive it home'

and if I know

how this is going--

It's gonna be the low-yield,

high-risk investments.

(Brian)

'Low-yield into high-risk

investments.'

Now you see what we did

there.

We covered everything.

(both)

And then there's scones.

[laughter]

These, uh..

The-the, your..

You've got to remember..

You've got to remember

that international markets

a lot of decisions

are made over tea and scones.

[laughter]

Let's move it along.

(Joseph)

'"Point/counterpoint."'

'"IPO vs. Private equity."'

IPO..

[laughter]

Yeah, I mean,

that's where you want to be at.

He has no idea what it is.

That's the international,

uh...uh...product.

It's the international

pancake order.

[laughter]

"Initial public offering."

Yeah, IPO.

That's where you want to be.

(Brian)

'You know, private equity

is money in your own pocket.'

You keep that, then.

(Sal)

'What?'

[laughter]

(Joseph)

'Yeah.'

You know we had to do it, buddy.

- "Handy vs. Blowy."

- Alright.

(Brian)

'Well, there you go,

you want to take handy?'

Yeah, I mean, it's the kind

of person that you want to be.

(James)

'They're all writing notes.'

She's got a page of notes.

What is she writing?

I will say this.

Go to work with a handy..

[Sal chuckles]

Oh, my God.

You marry a blowy.

That's our main thing.

[laughter]

(both)

"Thank you."

[laughter]

'What we like to do

at the end of this'

is just a quick show of hands.

Please raise your hand

if you feel like you've learned

anything of value.

Did you learn anything new?

One, two, three.

Three people. Three people.

[both scream]

Oh, no!

(male narrator)

Murr and Sal got short-changed

so they bought another share

of the loser board.

Look out, America. We're

crashing the political party.

That's right.

We're running for office

but we need voters' signatures

to get on the ballot.

It won't be easy, though,

because our crazy political

beliefs will be given

to us by the other guys.

And whoever gets the least

amount of signatures loses.

(James)

'Q, uh...are those the new'

'uh, dress shoes you got?'

[laughter]

'Is that what all the

politicians are wearing'

these days.

This big in congress,

this look?

You don't understand.

You don't know how to connect

with the kids.

- 'Oh, is that it?'

- I'm business up top.

But rock 'n' roll on my feet.

Hi.

I'm running for city council.

I need to get sig--

I just need signatures.

I'm running for city council.

I'm trying to get onto the--

Excuse me, sir, I'm trying

to run for--

You got no time for me?

Excuse me, sir?

I'm trying to collect signatures

to get on the, just to get on

the ballot for the New York City

council this year.

- I am from Sweden.

- Oh, you're from Sweden.

Oh, her-ma-der, bro.

Her-ma-der.

- "The Muppet show."

- "The Muppet show," yes.

Her-ma-der!

Hey, what's up, skates?

Can I get your help here?

I'm running for city council.

Trying to get the traffic lights

to be smart traffic lights

but most importantly..

I want to defend

sexy offenders.

[laughs]

Hey, what's up, skates?

Can I get your help here?

I'm running for City Council.

Trying to get the traffic lights

to be smart traffic lights

but most importantly..

I want to defend

sexy offenders.

I'm looking to defend

the sexy offenders.

What do I mean by that?

That is an excellent question.

Uh, you know how, like,

it's illegal

for two girls to make out

right here?

Like, I want to make that legal.

m*rder is jail.

Except if they're sexy.

Unless they're sexy.

You know what I mean?

Uh, you know.

It's reasonable, right?

Blades.

Come on, roller blades.

[ding]

(James)

'I think, out of all of us,

Sal would be'

probably the best politician.

He's certainly the most likable.

- Oh, I think so.

- No.

(James)

'Sal's the kind of guy you want

to sing karaoke with'

not lead an invasion

of Afghanistan with.

I'm running for city council.

Who's leading a [bleep]

invasion.

[laughter]

Hey, man, how you doing?

I'm running for city council.

(Joseph)

'Look at the number of

backpacks this guy has.'

- He's got three backpacks.

- No, he's got two backpacks.

'And a frontpack.'

I'm lobbying for higher pay

for public schoolteachers

uh, more security

in our parks..

And to limit the number

of backpacks to one.

To..

And then, also, to limit

the overall number of backpacks

people can carry to just one.

I mean, let's be fair.

Way more kesha.

You know, no deck shoes

in the winter.

More Nicki Minaj.

I want to rename h*tler

mustaches

Charlie Chaplin mustaches.

I want to rename

the h*tler mustache

uh, to be called the

Charlie Chaplin mustache.

It's a great style, and he's

taken that away from everyone.

But, really, Chaplin did it

first, you know?

You just want to be

on the ballot?

Yes.

She wants nothing to do..

I appreciate it so much.

(James)

'There you go.'

[ding]

(Brian)

'I'll tell you what,

he looks like a politician'

out there, like a lying

sack of [bleep]

[laughter]

Excuse me, ma'am.

If I get two more signatures

I can get on the ballot

for city council

and then

I can run for city council.

The most important part

of my platform..

Is bisexual crossing guards.

The mo..

The most important part

of my platform..

bisexual crossing guards.

[laughs]

There's a perfectly good

explanation.

Hear me out.

Yeah, explain this one.

You know how, when you're

crossing a street, you can

either go one way

or you can go the other?

If the crossing guard's

a bisexual

you could go both ways.

So, would you like to sign my

petition to be on City Council?

- Yeah.

- You are a sweetheart.

Thank you so much.

[ding]

(Joseph)

'Vote for Gatto.'

I'm trying to get on the ballot

real quick.

Can I talk to you two secs?

Hey, my friend.

Ma'am, how about you?

I'm just trying to get some

awareness to get me

on the city ballot.

Signatures here.

(James)

'Joe, what's up?'

You know what it is?

It's the tie.

He looks like an

official jerk right now.

'That's right.'

Hey, bud.

Talk to you two seconds.

I'm just trying to get

on the ballot

for the New York City council.

So, basically, I'm just trying

to get more subway cars.

Um, I'm also looking to..

Less duck faces on Facebook.

I'm trying to start

digital-photo regulation

so we can get rid

of duck faces on

like, the social-networking

sites.

You know, duck face, like the..

[duck quacks]

You know, dumbass tweens

are out there doing the..

[duck quacks]

and then, you know, whatever.

'So, I'm trying to regulate

that 'cause nobody'

really wants to see that.

You know, it's like, "Oh, we're

in a bridal shower."

"Oh, the nightclub."

You know what I mean?

Like, "Oh, gram's just d*ed."

[duck quacks]

[laughter]

It's an initiative I'm pushing.

I'm trying to quack down on it,

really.

[laughter]

So, you don't want to sign,

then?

- Okay, well, I appreciate it.

- He didn't get it!

[buzzer]

(male narrator)

The votes are counted,

and Murr is tonight's

big loser.

Murr is our loser.

And for your punishment, buddy,

you're gonna have to play

dodgeball

in a professional league.

Yeah, but we did you a favor.

To end the misery,

all you got to do

is get one single player

out on the other team.

I think I could do that.

But dodgeball requires

hand-eye coordination

so we're gonna take away those.

What do you mean?

Oh, you'll see.

You'll partially see.

[laughter]

[crowd cheering]

[laughter]

- Oven mitt!

- I feel like an idiot.

It was your choice to wear

those shorts, Murr.

Alright, are we ready?

[cheers and applause]

Hold on, hold on.

Here's the strategy.

I'm gonna stand behind

you guys, okay?

Protect me however you can.

Come on, blue team.

Blue team!

Come on. Alright.

Red team, are we ready?

Blue team, are we ready?

Come on,

make like a protective shield.

Okay, three, two, one.

Switch!

[laughter]

Wait, what the [bleep]

What the [bleep]

Oh, my God.

Let's go!

[whistle blows]

[indistinct shouting]

Okay, three, two, one..

Switch!

[laughter]

Wait, what the [bleep]

What the [bleep]

Oh, my God.

Let's go!

(Joseph)

'All you got to do is get one

player out, Murr.'

Oh! [bleep]

[laughter]

[bleep]

Oh!

[bleep]

(Sal)

'Come on, Murr,

just one guy out.'

He can't throw lefty.

- 'Guys, get him!'

- 'Get him!'

'Get him again.'

[bleep]

[indistinct shouting]

Aah!

They need more balls.

I think they need more.

They need more.

Alright, guys, there you go.

Wait, what the.. Oh [bleep]

- There you go, boys.

- Stop it!

Get them off!

[laughter]

[spectators groan]

Oh!

[groaning]

No mercy!

This is not how dodgeball

is played.

That is how you punish Murray.

- I did good?

- You did great.

- Did I hit somebody?

- No, you didn't hit anybody.

Medic!

[laughter]