(male narrator)
Coming up, can Q and Sal
close the deal?
What makes the difference, guys?
Unh!
This is ridiculous.
(male narrator)
What's left Joe in shock?
Three, four times a day.
[laughter]
(male narrator)
Will Sal eat and run?
'He's going in!'
(male narrator)
And later,
tonight's big loser is forced
into a cage match
you've got to see to believe.
[cat hisses]
[laughter]
[theme music]
From this point forward
our fate shall be determined
by the..
(all)
Wheel of doom!
We shall each step forth and
take a spin on the..
(all)
Wheel of doom!
To not lose, you must do
what is decreed by the..
(all)
Wheel of doom!
The..
(all)
Wheel of doom!
- You're first up, baby.
- Yeah.
I feel like the wheel of doom
has it in for me.
'There's some doozies
on there.'
I feel like this is gonna be
a bad spin.
(Sal)
'Wheel of doom, baby.
Wheel of doom.'
- Come on, wheel.
- Doom, doom, doom!
Doom, doom, doom, doom!
- 'Ah!'
- 'Here we go!'
[laughter]
'That is impossible.'
How do you get somebody to
lay down on the floor in a mall?
Good luck to you, man, 'cause
you're about to ask these guys
'in front of you.'
Guys, you mind if I ask
your opinion on this?
I'm surprising my girl
by getting her..
I'm gonna replace the whole
bedroom set.
They got two choices upstairs
a queen-size
or this is the full-size.
(Joe)
'Where's he going with this?'
- She's a spooner.
- Oh.
You know what I mean? So, you
know what I'm saying, right?
She makes us spoon constantly.
So.. But she's like
kind of like your, your heft.
[laughter]
If she was here, it'd be easy.
Um..
Spoon with me real quick,
just for one second
and I'll tell you in one second
if it's gonna be big enough.
For one second,
she's the same dimensions as you
but just for one sec.
Come here. One second.
I will jump off of this ledge
if he does it.
- I will k*ll myself.
- I will jump off the ledge.
Hook a brother up, man.
I got to buy it today.
- It's on sale.
- Dude, don't do it.
- Don't do it.
- No.
Just real quick.
- I can't believe this.
- Look at..
[laughs]
He's not spooning you!
He's not spooning you!
- Spoon with me, dude!
- No, no.
[laughter]
I need your arm over me.
And I want to see the arm reach.
Dude, it'll take one second.
Just one second.
- Okay, come on.
- He's doing it! He's doing it!
[laughter]
- 'Wow!'
- 'Jeez!'
Ready, boys?
[laughing]
- Oh!
- Oh!
(Joe)
'Teeth flossed by a stranger.'
'Cause I didn't wanna tell you,
but you got a little something.
Wheel of doom, what happened?
I thought we were friends.
(Joe)
'Who in this mall will go ahead
and floss a stranger's tooth?'
It's a weird thing.
It's like asking somebody to
wipe your butt.
I don't even know if I can go
through with this.
Excuse me, girls?
Girls, could you help me floss
my teeth?
[laughter]
No? Could you help me floss
my teeth?
- No?
- 'No, no dice.'
Hey, what's going on, man?
Can I ask you for a quick favor?
Could you, um...
Could you help me floss
my teeth?
'Cause it's stuck in there,
and I just can't get it.
Let me tell you why..
I have, I have a hot date.
I'm meeting a girl,
I've had a crush on her
since the th grade.
- Oh.
- Ooh! Sympathy floss.
And I'm meeting her right now,
and I'm just worried that
if I show up.. You know, she..
Could you help me out?
I promise you, %, this guy
won't do it.
Like, just a quick zip
of the floss?
- 'Don't do it, guy.'
- Only..
- Thank you.
- Oh, my God!
- He's doing it!
- Oh, my God.
You son of a [bleep].
When you look a guy in the
eye and say, "It's about a girl.
I need this, man."
It happens. You do it.
Here we go.
Come on, wheel of doom.
- Oh!
- Right past that a*t*matic win.
[all cheering]
Oh! F..
[laughter]
Could you give me a second
to prepare?
- Your face is all red.
- It is red.
All over here. See..
[laughter]
That was messed up.
Give it a good spin, Joe.
Come on!
That's it.
[laughing]
Oh!
"Get a stranger's shoe
and smell it."
Oh, who'd have thought
I'm gonna use my nose?
(Sal)
'Now, Joe, you've got to take
someone's shoe off'
and smell it.
All the way down to the toesies.
'Joe, the guy on the bench
right there with the sneakers.'
How do you talk somebody out
of their shoe and then talk them
into letting you smell it?
That's his problem, my friend.
[sighs]
(Murr)
'Hey, look at the filthy shoe!'
(Q)
'Those were once white shoes.'
[laughing]
You think he's distracted,
you're gonna be able to slip his
shoes off without him knowing?
Your shoe...is that comfy?
With the two laces?
Yeah?
Can I see it?
Yeah, can I..
Yeah, thanks.
- 'No, no!'
- 'No! No!'
- He let him take it off!
- They're comfortable, too?
- Yeah?
- He's halfway there.
This is gross.
He's gonna do it.
'Joe, take the loss.
Take the loss!'
[laughter]
[inhales deeply]
[laughter]
(male narrator)
The wheel of doom
claimed no victims this round.
Watch out now..
Hot suit!
We're pairing up as ad execs
about to head upstairs
to pitch potential clients.
But each team has written the
presentations for each other.
At the end of the presentations,
we'll ask the clients
to rate us on a scale
from one to ten.
Whichever team gets
the lowest rating loses.
Hey. How are you?
'These guys look like they
mean business.'
Yeah, grab a seat there, guys.
We are a marketing-advertising
company.
We cover all facets of
marketing.
"Recent accounts we've landed."
Now here's where you're gonna be
impressed, guys.
"Food," I'm sure you've all
eaten today.
No, no, we landed food.
[laughter]
"We landed all of food."
Uh.. "Water."
- Not bottled water.
- Not that.
Not even tap water.
Water.
[laughing]
When was the last time
you had water.
You're welcome.
"What makes us different,"
guys?
"What makes us different?"
[both laugh]
And we-we chest bump
after every slide.
We haven't yet,
but we're gonna start now.
Unh! Very exciting.
And you guys, if you want to
chest bump a little bit
'after every slide,
go right ahead.'
'Okay.'
[laughter]
Also, just, really, though,
"A moment of silence
for lost loved ones."
[laughter]
Then chest bump.
[laughter]
This is the worst marketing
presentation ever.
- Example of a commercial.
- Now to show you the video.
[upbeat music]
Just let me sleep.
[laughter]
(Murr)
'They can't even look
at these guys.'
[intense music]
Euthanasia.
[laughter]
Okay, it gets a bad rap,
but we're here to say.. No.
Q is hiding behind Sal!
He's in the corner.
I just get a little choked up.
We're an out-of-the-box company.
That's why we're glad that you
got to listen to us.
Uh, here's the survey.
Please just confer..
Please circle a number.
We'll be back in one minute.
This is, uh, this is ridiculous.
Uh..
- Do it, do it, do it.
- What is it? What is it?
[instrumental music]
Please just confer and circle
a number. Thank you, guys.
This is, uh, this is ridiculous.
Uh, scale not low enough.
How's that?
One. One!
Nice to meet you.
How are you?
- Make yourselves comfortable.
- Yeah, have a seat.
Right there's fine.
Today is about us.
We're about to
tell you guys about
our company,
what Maya Sol's about.
(Murr)
'We provide
"Sound advertisement solutions'
for your ever-changing
global marketplace."
Uh, so, "Some of our major
clients."
[laughter]
"Calvin Cheech."
Cal. Cal Cheech. Uh..
We got a big week
on fashion week.
Uh, Cal Cheech is
one of our biggest clients.
Uh, "Stephen."
[laughter]
[laughs]
To his friends, he's Steve.
Uh..
[laughter]
- Um..
- Okay. So, this is a chart.
This is your profits chart.
And the average return
on investment
A-K-A profits, and you'll notice
that it comes, it comes back.
Is there a reason you're
presenting these concepts on
like, spiral ring-binder
note paper?
[laughter]
Well, our phrase that we go
by in the office is
"Keep it stupid-simple.
It's simple, stupid."
[laughter]
Our design is really, like,
they're basically monkeys
with pencils,
and this is what we're doing.
We're in the room here, making
the best of spiral-notebook
photocopies, because they
really went all out.
Here are some examples of our
'regular print ads
that we've done.'
'You're gonna love this one,
man.'
Okay.
So, this is Arturo's beans.
And this is, uh-uh,
the catchphrase we came up with
for this is..
"Come on, guys.
It's Arturo's beans, man."
[laughter]
See what we did?
[laughter]
'Uh, "In closing.."'
- Now, "your future plus..
- "Our future.."
"Equals.."
(both)
"Pretty bright."
'"So bright, in fact, that.."'
(both)
"You gotta wear shades."
"Hand out shades."
[laughter]
Did you have your own shades?
I didn't bring..
- The shades.
- I forgot the shades.
Well, that was our big..
That's our big finish, though.
Thanks so much for your time,
guys. Really appreciate it.
We're gonna step out
of the room for a moment.
If you would be so kind as to
give us a rating?
And then we'll be back
in just a few moments.
I mean, I have my answer.
I'll just tell you.
- What is it? What is it?
- Three!
[laughing]
We got a three!
(male narrator)
Q and Sal are mad men because
they are the first ones up
on the loser board.
We're at the food court
at the Jersey gardens mall.
My favorite place
to bring a date.
We're posing as
custodial workers
cleaning up after shoppers.
The catch is, we've got to do
and say what we're told.
And if you refuse, you lose.
(male narrator)
It's Joe and Sal in
a joker versus joker challenge.
Hey, Joe, do me a favor, try for
this guy right next to you.
How's it going, bro? Good?
How's the, uh, chicken,
bourbon chicken? Good?
Joe, don't stop cursing.
[laughter]
That's my favorite [bleep], man.
I eat the [bleep] out of that
all day long.
- Know what I'm saying?
- Keep going.
Sometimes I walk in here,
I'm like
"What the [bleep] am I gonna
eat?" you know.
'Cause there's so much [bleep]
to choose from, I'm like
"I could eat the [bleep] out
of any of these places."
Sometimes I [bleep] start on
this end, I walk to the other
end with that [bleep],
sometimes I go over here, and I
[bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep],
all the way [bleep] [bleep]
[bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]
[bleep] [bleep]
and then I'll [bleep] over here
[bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep].
Who [bleep] here with the
[bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep].
And the [bleep] [bleep] there.
Here [bleep] there [bleep]
Everywhere [bleep] [bleep]
[bleep] [bleep].
You know what I'm saying.
Enjoy your [bleep] chicken.
[laughter]
- He looks hungry.
- He looks a little peckish.
Hey, Sal, could you, uh,
reach over to there?
'We put a fork
and some tape for you.'
Tape the fork to the end
of your broom...
And eat off somebody's plate.
You don't want to be rude.
You don't want to interrupt
people while they're eating.
'So you want to do it
from a distance.'
'Yeah. Yeah, the big guy.'
[laughter]
- 'His meal looks good.'
- Wait.
- I'm not gonna do that guy.
- Yes, yes, you're! Yes, you're!
This guy does not look like he's
in the mood for guff, buddy.
Good luck.
[upbeat music]
- Oh, my God. There he goes.
- He's going in!
[laughter]
Ah! He got one!
They don't give me
a lunch break.
(Murr)
'What?'
(male narrator)
The verdict from
the food court is no losers.
Q and Sal remain tied for last.
Coming up, what's got Q wet
behind the ears?
(Joe)
'Keep doing it.'
[laughter]
[instrumental music]
We are back
at Paramount oral surgery.
We had so much fun playing
dental assistants last time
we're doing it again,
we have to do and say
whatever the other guys tell us.
And if you refuse, you lose.
Ahh.
[snaps]
[laughter]
- Joe, how are you doing?
- I'm doing alright.
- How are you doing?
- Very well. Come on in.
- Have a seat.
- 'Joe.'
- 'Put on some rubber gloves.'
- Alright.
Joe, have trouble getting
the gloves on.
[laughter]
- Come in and have it done.
- Oh, nice, nice.
I guess they were supposed to
take before-and-after.
That's great.
[indistinct chatter]
Okay, um..
[laughter]
Ask her questions,
every answer she gives you
you're overly shocked about it.
How often do you brush
your teeth?
Like, three, four times a day.
[laughter]
Three, four times a day?
Well, you brush
when you wake up.
Right. When you wake up.
Have you ever had
any teeth removed?
- I only had three.
- I know!
Three? That is weird.
Alright. And then, what kind of
toothpaste do you use?
Uh, the optic white.
[laughter]
- How are you today, Dorothy?
- I'm okay.
Yeah?
How many times do you
B your T?
How many times a day do you
B your T?
Twice.
What kind of TB do you use
when you B your T?
What kind of TB do you use
when you B your T?
- Crest.
- You use crest?
- Do you F?
- And, uh, do-do you, uh..
- Do you F?
- No.
- You don't "f"?
- Well, sometimes.
[indistinct chatter]
'Cause a lot of people have
better dental hygiene
when they're dating.
They just stay at home
and they F themselves.
I, uh, I find that
when I'm in a relationship
I just kind of stay home
and F myself.
[laughter]
- Yep, yep, yep. Okay.
- You definitely have toofs.
- Okay.
- 'Toofs.'
- Say it.
- You definitely..
You definitely have toofs.
Let me see. Let me take a look
at all your teefs.
Toofs, toofs.
T-O-O-F. Toofs.
Did you ever have braces
for your toofs?
- Nope.
- Let me tell you the troof.
Let me tell you the toof,
right now.
Your troofs got to be
removed.
[laughter]
- I'm gonna sh**t straight.
- 'Get it out!'
Your toof needs to be removed.
[laughter]
Toof.
[laughter]
- Amanda? Hi. How are you?
- Hi.
Have a seat.
You know, for my family,
gingivitis is a good thing.
In my family, gingivitis is a
good thing.
When there's gin, invite us.
[laughter]
'Cause when there's gin,
invite us.
[laughter]
- Sal, grab the water spray.
- Grab that water spray.
Now spray the whole front of
your pants.
[laughter]
Right.
[water spraying]
Sal, just so you know, you
look like you peed your pants
in front of that beautiful girl.
Just-just so you know.
'She just saw it,
she just saw it.'
[laughter]
Let me see. Just let me take
a quick look. Say ahh.
- Ahh.
- Okay.
Now, you may feel something
that feels like a tongue.
- It is.
- Uh..
Good luck with that one,
Sally boy.
So you may feel...something
uh, that feels like a tongue..
...depressor.
- Oh!
- It is.
It's a tongue depressor.
Okay.
What are we here for today?
My wisdom tooth.
Alright, let me just take
a quick look.
(Joe)
'Q, grab one of those big
syringes.'
- Alright, cool.
- What's that?
- Oh, this is just saline.
- Oh, okay.
Yeah. It's just to moisten
things down a little bit.
- Now start squirting your face.
- Um..
'Go ahead, Q,
right in your face.'
But it's feeling better now,
right?
Yeah, just like I said.
It was sore.
- Just a little sore?
- Mm-hmm.
Um.. Is it when you chew?
Is it just, is it when you chew?
- Keep doing it, keep doing it.
- Let me just check this out.
When was the last time
you were in?
[laughter]
(male narrator)
Sal can't handle the tooth,
so he's tonight's big loser.
So, our friend Sal has
a crippling fear of one thing..
(all)
Cats.
What he doesn't know is,
today he's gonna teach
a seminar on how to bond
with your cat.
And he's the cat whisperer.
(Q)
'He has no idea
what the setup is.'
All he knows is that we've told
him to walk into this room.
How's everyone doing?
I feel a little bad,
but I feel more good.
Uh, thank you all for coming.
Well, how about
we just get started?
[instrumental music]
[laughter]
So, bonding with your cat.
- Uh..
- 'Sal hates cats!'
[laughter]
This is, uh..
This is mister...Jumbles.
He's got a little bit of a
sharp-claw issue.
[laughter]
(Murr)
'It's stuck!
It's stuck on his shirt!'
Take Mr. Jumbles for a second.
Sal is in hell right now!
So, next slide.
Uh, "how to bond...with
multiple cats."
Pull that big thing off there.
I'm about to show you how to
bond with multiple cats.
[cats meowing]
- Uh..
- 'Look at the slide.'
I will now enter this cage
full of cats.
[laughter]
You have to face your fears,
buddy.
[Cat meows]
[instrumental music]
[Joe laughing]
'You have to face your fears,
buddy.'
Don't come out.
(Murr)
'Cats are gentle.
Why is he so afraid?'
Let the bonding begin.
"The cat yoga mat, I'll now lay
down with the multiple cats."
I got to tell you, this is one
of my favorite things to do.
[laughter]
I am gonna be like a yoga mat.
Ooh! Oh.
[laughter]
(Murr)
'He put his head down on a cat!'
That guy looks like
he's gonna jump on me.
[laughter]
(Joe)
'Next slide, Sal.'
Let me show you the next
technique. "The cat waltz.
'I'm gonna slow dance
with a cat."'
It's time to ask that cat
for a dance.
- 'Yeah.'
- Come here.
Come on, let's dance.
Whoa!
That cat just hissed at me
and tried to..
Let.. We'll, let's skip
that technique.
The next technique is
"The cat's cradle.
I will now cradle as many
cats.."
[laughing]
This is..
Okay, alright.
[cat hisses]
Oh, my God!
[laughter]
Oh, my God.
You know what it is?
That one guy scared me.
And they all sensed it
and sense that I'm scared.
Oh, my God! Alright.
Oh, those cats are so much fun.
Look at this.
You know, but..
Oh, my God!
Thank you, guys, for coming.
I really appreciate it.
[laughter]
I can't open the door!
Come on.
- Well done.
- Delicious. Delicious.
02x14 - Scaredy Cat
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.