02x05 - Strip High Five

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Impractical Jokers". Aired: December 15, 2011 –; present.*
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This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
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02x05 - Strip High Five

Post by bunniefuu »

(male narrator)

What happens when Q and Murr

are forced to get intimate?

[laughing]

What's got Sal speaking

in tongues?

Hey, everybody!

(male narrator)

And Joe sticks his nose

where it really doesn't belong.

Oh, oh, oh!

(male narrator)

But will tonight's big loser

be stripped

of more than just his dignity

in the most revealing dare yet?

[chanting]

Take it off! Take it off!

[theme music]

- Here we go!

- Yeah!

We're at Rapid Realty,

teaming up

to teach sensitivity training

to their employees.

The catch is, we've designed

the presentations for each other

to be as insensitive

as possible.

When finished,

we'll ask the employees

to raise their hands

if they learned something.

Whichever teams get

the fewest hands loses.

- Hi, everyone. How are you?

- Hello, hello.

Hi. Welcome.

We are from

Sensitivity Coaches. Inc.

We've been hired

to come speak with you today

on issues such as sensitivity

in the workplace..

In situations like these,

you see

how much of a natural

bull[bleep] he really is.

(Joe)

'Yeah, but no amount of

bull[bleep] is gonna get him'

'through the presentation

we made.'

Okay, insensitivity pitfalls.

So, here's the a-appropriate way

to tell an Indian

that their lunch smells funny.

[laughing]

Okay.

Uh, remember,

sensitivity is key.

Uh, Brindash,

how you doing, buddy?

That smells really good.

How is that?

Uh, it's very good.

My wife made it.

Uh, the thing is, though, um

I'm kind of allergic to curry.

- Oh. I'm so sorry.

- Blow up... yeah.

So, I don't want to infringe

upon your right to eat curry.

What if,

whenever I bring in curry

I eat it outside the office?

I would really appreciate that.

- Positivity.

- Positivity.

Now...the n-words

that you can use.

[laughing]

- None.

- None.

You cannot use any n-words

in the office ever.

Next slide.

Right, the appropriate way

to kiss a co-worker hello.

[laughing]

Uh, the answer is very simple..

You do not kiss

a co-worker hello.

Next slide.

- And then the wrong way to..

- Alright, right, of course.

Uh, demonstrate.

The wrong way

to kiss a co-worker hello.

Pucker up,

fat Rosie O'Donnell.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

[laughing]

What we'd like to do

is take a quick survey by hand.

If you feel like you've taken

value from today's seminar

please raise your hand.

One, two.

[laughing]

So, that's two. Great.

- Hello, folks. How's it going?

- Hey, how are you?

Thank you for coming

to our sensitivity training.

They look like the sort of

[bleep] that would teach this--

Yeah, they do.

So, uh, workplace-sensitivity

training today

for a better tomorrow.

Is it ever okay to say

nice boobies?

[laughing]

Yes. Okay?

[chuckles]

Why don't you tell them

about it, Sal?

[laughing]

Is it ever okay to say,

nice boobies?

Yes, if boobies is referring

to something other than

female breasts.

Yes, does anyone here speak

the Queen's English?

You know, they call over there,

you know, they --

They call their children

boobies.

Right, they call children

boobies.

Oh, wow.

If it was bring your kids

to work day

and you had your kids

and I was English

I would say, "Oh, nice boobies."

Yes, and, "You got a nice

set of boobies, "

if they have twins.

Is it ever okay to say,

nice titties?

Yes.

[laughing]

Look at Sal,

can't keep it together.

What's, what's back there, Sal?

What are you looking at?

If the word doesn't refer

to what you think,

you think it does..

...then that's where

you learn something.

Titties doesn't necessarily

have to mean the female breasts.

[laughing]

(Q)

'Sal, hold it together.'

[laughing]

[laughing]

He just... he left the room.

Alright.

So, let's say, for instance

you come and say to you, uh

right, if you're wearing

a titty brand..

- This'll be for the next one.

- Oh, okay, bring that in.

As long as it doesn't refer to

the female breasts, we're okay.

Absolutely.

How not to behave

in the workplace.

Play video demonstration

number one.

What they don't know

is that we secretly filmed

their sisters and put it

in their presentation.

(Q)

'This is what I've been

waiting for all day.'

[Murr laughing]

'Yeah.'

That is Sal's sister.

Jenna, were you able

to get those reports out?

Yes, I was.

(Q)

'Yeah, it's your sister, buddy.'

...I sent out three copies.

'Excellent.'

[instrumental music]

Play video demonstration

number one.

What they don't know

is that we secretly filmed

their sisters and put it

in their presentation.

That is Sal's sister.

(Q)

'Yeah, it's your sister, buddy.'

Jenna were you able to get

those reports out?

Yes, I was.

And I was afraid that they

wouldn't get there on time

but they will be there on time.

I sent out three copies.

- Excellent.

- Just like you requested.

(Murr)

'Look at Q's hand,

look at Q's hand!'

- You're doing a great job.

- Thank you, Mr.. Quinn.

- A great job.

- Thank you. I appreciate that.

- Next slide.

- Mm-hmm.

I really like what you did here,

Carla. It's excellent work.

- That's Joe sister.

- Joe's sister.

(Murr)

'It may be something

our South American colleagues'

might, like, you know?

Okay.

Alright.

(Joe)

'Alright.'

(Carla)

'Sure.'

(Joe)

Okay.

That is my sister

that is being molested

by a ferret-looking man.

Fun and professional.

You shouldn't have any problems.

Just by a show of hands,

let us know

who felt like they learned

something new here today.

- Of value.

- Yes.

- One, two..

- One, two, three.

[bell dings]

(male narrator)

Murr and Q

are feeling sensitive

because they both take a loss.

We are at the Staten Island

ferry..

...trying to get strangers

to guess

which famous person

we think they look like.

The catch is, the person

we're describing doesn't exist.

The other guys will be providing

the details via these cards.

If you can't get someone

to take a guess

about who we're describing,

you lose.

[instrumental music]

I-I recognize you.

You, are you , are you famous?

'You, you look like you're a..'

you look like

a sloppy-drunk po-poker player.

No? Alright.

Damn it.

You are a famous person.

I'm pretty sure she knows that.

If she's a famous person.

You're that guy from, uh..

- Yeah, you. Are you famous?

- No.

Does anyone ever tell you

you look like somebody?

You look, you look exactly like,

uh..

the guy on the TV show that has,

like, a sassy dog.

The dog's always like..

You know what I mean,

a sassy dog?

- No.

- No? Really?

H-he talks like this.

Hey, everybody!

[laughing]

(Sal)

'Okay, maybe this one

will ring a bell.'

He burps when he sleeps,

but he farts when he's awake.

[laughing]

You know who I'm talking about.

He talks like this.

Hey, everybody!

He burps when he sleeps,

he farts when he's awake.

You know him?

- No.

- Aw!

- You don't wanna say your name?

- No, I don't.

No, he doesn't know

who that guy is.

I had nothing.

I'm like, hey, everybody!

[laughing]

(Murr)

'Who talks like that?'

Oh, my god. For a second,

I thought you were that actor.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, God,

you look like that guy, right

The guy from that movie?

The actor fr-from the, you're

in the commercials, right?

- You're in commercials?

- No, no.

Look like, the enema, the enema

commercials, that guy?

'You know who I'm talkin'

about.'

'And he, and he slept with'

David Copperfield by accident.

How do you sleep with

David Copperfield by accident?

Sleight of hand?

The guy from

the enema commercial.

You know who I'm talking about?

He was, he was in, uh,

he went ape [bleep]

Remember, the guy went ape

[bleep]

He tried to set his thoughts

on fire?

Crazy guy.

Charlie Sheen! That's it!

That's Charlie Sheen!

Very nice to meet you.

You too, sir, you too.

- Charlie Sheen.

- Just met Charlie Sheen.

Dude, you know who you look

like? Hold on one sec.

Hold on one sec.

You know who you look like?

Uh, hold on one sec, uh...

What's the name of the guy?

The guy that plays

professional ping-pong

the really famous athlete?

Oh, you don't, oh, my God!

What's his name?

'Oh, you know what?'

He's the guy that got a..

He's the guy that got

a presidential pardon

for all his work

with Scandinavian cuisine.

- You, you really got me now.

- Nobody? Take a guess.

You don't know who he is?

(Sal)

'Let's keep giving him

more cards.'

- I got nothing.

- Oh, my god.

He's the guy that had sex

in the trunk of a Volvo.

[laughing]

He's the guy that looks

like a skinny, white Oprah.

With the symbol,

his symbol is the x's for eyes

and the sad face.

What is his name?

Dude, th-the, the blank guy,

the guy with nothing at all?

That's what I'm drawing

right now, a blank.

[laughing]

Damn it!

- Oh, what's up? Oh!

- Yo.

Oh, you look like that, uh,

that famous guy.

- Which famous..

- You look like, uh..

You got to hear it all the time.

'Seriously, you don't get, uh..'

I thought you were him

right away.

You look like the hip-hop mogul

who sacrificed

everything for a fruit roll-up.

Exotic, you know what I mean?

He's a hip-hop mogul now?

You look just like him.

He.. aw.

He, uh, he-he invented

the erotic Rubik's Cube?

Do you ever hear of that thing,

you know, you put it on

and you do, you got to figure

out the color?

Yeah, but you look

just like him.

Uh, you're tall, dark,

and handsome

but really dark,

if you know what I mean.

Tall, dark, handsome,

but really dark.

Dude, no, you know who I'm

talking about, though, right?

He's a mogul, traded it all in

for a froot loop?

No. Got him. Oh, alright.

[laughing]

You [bleep] idiot.

I thought you were that famous

guy, you look just like

the pop singer

with the shingles.

She swallowed that baby duck

years ago?

He licks first,

asks questions later.

He has lovely lady lumps?

He has lovely lady lumps?

He's like Steve Carell

with a bigger nose?

He's got hands the size

of stingrays.

He got fan.. Oh.

Je slept with Ja Rule's

brother, Bra Rule.

No? No? Who doesn't..

You know who I'm talking...

[laughing]

(male narrator)

Sal, Joe, and Murr

look like three losers.

Babies don't really

look like anyone.

People are like,

"Oh, do you look like the mom

or look like the dad?"

I can never tell.

And I always lie

my way through it.

They all look

like Winston Churchill.

[laughing]

You know that hot receptionist

in your office?

Get her out of your head.

You're stuck with us.

We're posing as receptionists

in a waiting room

at a chiropractor's office.

We have to do what the other

guys tell us.

Remember how we all said

we'd wear suits?

I'm gonna be sitting

back there.

Nobody's gonna see me

from here down.

Hey, how you doing, man?

Cool, uh, yeah,

just sign in right there.

Thanks, backpack.

[laughing]

Thanks, backpack.

Hey, Q, can you just get up

and walk around the counter,

'cause there's something

around the front, buddy

I think you need to get.

- Oh, he's in his shorts.

- He's in shorts with no shoes.

He's not wearing any pants.

[laughing]

There we go.

Make sure he looks at you.

[laughing]

- 'He's got no shoes.'

- 'Point and sh**t.'

[laughing]

In the office, we have casual

Friday, you know?

Is today Thursday?

Is it really Thursday?

"I'm off on Thursdays."

I'm, I'm off on Thursdays.

What?

Say, "I'm all business

from the waist up."

Well, I'm all business

from the waist up, so..

"And all pleasure

from the waist down."

[laughing]

I'm all pleasure

from the waist down.

Point at it with a pencil.

[laughing]

Am I straight, or am I gay?

- "What's today?"

- What's today, Thursday?

[laughing]

Oh!

[bell dings]

- What's your name?

- Candace.

Candace, you can have a seat.

We'll be right with you, okay?

Murr, she's pretty, huh?

The problem is, she's a little

prettier than you right now.

'So I want you to reach into

the draw to your right, there.'

There's a little compact mirror

and some lipstick.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

(Joe)

'So I want you to reach into

the draw to your right, there.'

There's a little compact mirror

and some lipstick.

[laughing]

Quick touch-up.

- 'Where you from?'

- Born in New York.

- Raised in Texas.

- Texas?

- Yeah.

- Wow.

- Wow. That's crazy.

- Yeah.

Murr, do it sloppy, like, get it

on the corner of your lips.

Don't, don't do it like you've

done it a thousand times before.

Let me ask you something, if

I was to go anywhere in Texas

where do you think I should go?

- Austin's fun.

- Yeah?

Is it a very tolerant town?

Accepting of all different

types, cultures?

[laughing]

- Hello. How are you?

- Hi. Good.

Just have a seat.

We'll be right with you.

I'm sorry, your names?

I didn't know you name.

- Lauren.

- I'm sorry, what was your name?

- Lauren. Also Lauren. Yeah.

- Oh, it's two Lauren's?

Hey, Sal, can you call

the girl on the left up?

Um, can you just come up here

real Quick?

"Lauren, uh, you can have a

seat. It'll just be one minute."

[laughing]

You have a seat.

I'll be right with you.

- Okay.

- Thank you.

Call the friend up.

Lauren two, can you come up

one second, please?

(Murr)

'"You can have a seat.

It'll just be one minute."'

He'll be ready for you

in just a minute, Lauren.

- You have a seat.

- Okay.

"Hey, uh, hey, Lauren's."

Hey, Laurens? Laurens?

You can come on up

with your stuff.

Uh-huh. Okay.

"It'll just be a minute.

You can have a seat."

And it'll just be a minute.

You can have a seat.

(Joe)

'Ready to call

another Lauren up?'

- '"Lauren.."'

- Lauren, can I see you?

And now you want

the other Lauren.

I'm sorry. The other Lauren.

[laughing]

They'll be with you

in one moment.

Just have a seat.

[bell dings]

Hey, gentlemen, how are you?

uh, you can have a seat

right there.

(Q)

'Uh, we're gonna toss Joe

a curveball here.'

Yes, I do, right here,

quick right.

Joe, go over and sniff that

guy's seat, now that he left.

'Come on, while the other

guy's still there'

'get over there

and sniff his seat.'

Go sniff his seat.

[laughing]

[sighs]

I've been waiting, I've been

waiting till he got up.

He's doing it.

[sniffing]

- Oh!

- Oh, oh!

[laughing]

You're not done, Joe.

Ask this guy to get up,

and then smell his seat.

- Do it.

- My God!

- 'He goes, he goes, mh-mh.'

- 'Aw!'

(male narrator)

Joe can't smell victory,

and takes a loss.

That means Joe and Murr

are both big losers.

It's a first ever

double punishment.

Both Murr and Joe lost,

so their double punishment

is strip high-five.

What's strip high-five?

Oh, that's where you stand

in front

of hundreds of strangers

and the two of you

take turns getting high fives.

but for every person

that does not

high-five you, you remove

an article of clothing.

And the punishment doesn't end

till one of you is naked.

- Strip high-five!

- Strip high-five!

This sucks so bad.

Gentlemen's bet,

I have my Washington on Joe.

Murr, I got a dollar on you,

buddy.

Alright, here goes Joe.

High-five.

- Bravo!

- 'Oh!'

- 'You're up, Murr.'

- My man, high five.

(Q)

'There you go.'

Murray answers back!

Hey, hey, high five.

High five.

[laughing]

Why would you ask someone

with headphones in?

'Horrible, horrible choice,

Joe.'

(Q)

'There you go, Murr.

There's your boy.'

High five.

[laughing]

I still got you, Murr.

You're still my horse.

Heating up, heating up.

High five.

High five.

[laughing]

Oh, Joe!

He wasn't in your path.

- High five.

- 'Look at this. Look at this.'

- Aw!

- In your face!

(Sal)

'In your face!'

Whoo-hoo!

High five.

High five, buddy.

- Boom!

- Yeah!

- High five.

- 'There you go, buddy.'

- Ah.

- Aw!

- Touche!

- Murr, Murr, Murr, Murr, Murr!

- Right there. Yes!

- Right back into Joe's court.

(Q)

'Oh, they're going

sh*t for sh*t.'

High five, my man.

Aw!

[laughing]

(Sal

'Time to show us that belly,

Joe.'

[laughing]

[bleep] it sucks. Come on, man.

Murr, you have to stand

strong here if you want to win.

I'm still clothed.

Right here. High five.

- Here he goes, here he goes.

- High five.

- No way.

- No high fives. No high five.

No five.

Let them titties show, Murr.

Take it off! Take it off!

Take it off!

(Q)

'Shirts are off,

good luck either one of them'

'getting a high five now.'

Sir, high five.

[laughing]

- [bleep]

- Oh, no.

Oh, Joe, Joe, Joe.

This is a rough one.

[laughing]

Now my business

is all up out there.

You and I have constructed

the most public of humiliations.

Miss, can you high-five me?

(Sal)

'Murr might pull away

with this one.'

- Thank you.

- Oh!

Right back at ya.

That's a bounce back.

Well played, Joe.

Look at this, Murr,

look at this.

'Yeah. Here you go.'

Oh!

[laughing]

- You got psyched.

- Psych!

Oh, my God, his pants..

(Sal)

'Oh, my god, they're down

to their undies!'

'Look at this!'

My man. Now or never.

Oh, my god, oh, my god,

here it is!

- 'Down to the wire, Joe.'

- 'Oh, Joe!'

[instrumental music]

Here you go. Here it is.

Here it is, here it is,

here it is

here it is, here it is!

My man. Now or never.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my god, here it is!

High-five him, high-five him!

[bell dings]

Aah! Va-va-voom!

I can't take it,

I can't take it!

♪ I got the high five

and you can't have it ♪♪

(Sal)

'Alright, this is it.'

'It's either a high five'

'or a naked Murray.'

Ma'am, please

give me a high five.

Please, give me a high five.

- Please.

- Oh, no!

'Oh!'

[screaming]

Yes! I love you!

[laughing]

[ chanting ]

Take it off! Take it off!

Take it off! Take it off!

Take it off! Take it off!

Take it off!

[laughing]

[ applause ]

Va-voom!

Oh, my God!

[laughing]
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