02x02 - The Stoop Sessions Part 1

[bunniefuu]

We are back, b*tches!

- Ba-bam!

- Yeah!

We are subjecting ourselves

to another season of punishment

for your enjoyment.

That's right. That's right.

I hope you all enjoy it

'cause we're back, baby.

But before we jump headfirst

into season

we wanted to take a few minutes

to talk to you about

some of our favorite moments.

Let's relive some of the horror.

[laughing]

Excellent. Excellent.

[men laughing]

The show is torturous enough

where we never know what

we have to say or do.

It's ten times worse

when we think we know

we think we've

got a handle on what's about

to happen, and then something

changes.

You don't know what's coming,

and your friends do.

Right. And then everybody

could be involved in it.

Like, the-the crew,

the camera guy

everybody could know but me.

We have got Q's dad

to come here today.

'Q has no idea.'

If you think it's hard for us

to say these things to strangers

the only way we can top

ourselves is

if we have to speak it

to our own parents.

Here he is. Here he is.

[chuckles]

[men laughing]

What the [bleep]

What am I supposed to do,

pretend this isn't my father?

Dad, what are you doing here?

[laughing]

Alright. Here we go.

Well, what can I help you with,

sir?

- Three hamburgers.

- Three burgers?

Let me ask you a question,

pops, you and mom still poke?

[laughing]

What's up, pops?

You and mom still poke?

E-everybody settle down.

[laughing]

Do you and mom..

[laughing]

He can't do it. He can't do it.

What's u.. I can't breathe.

- 'It's impossible.'

- 'Do it!'

You understand I have to..

[laughing]

So, with that, do you and mom..

[clears throat]

So is that to stay or to go,

dad?

- 'Oh!'

- Stay? Okay.

Alright, pop,

well, here's your change.

So, what do you say, dad?

Can I get a tip?

That's the tip I get.

My father didn't tip me.

I have, in my life, had a lot

of moments of confusion.

Like, almost every day, I wake

up, and I'm like, "Where am I?

Who am I? What's going on?"

but when my father walked into

the store

and my mind didn't jump to

"Oh, the guys brought him in."

My mind jumped to, like,

"Why is my dad here?"

He just randomly was there.

I was trying to figure out,

like, yeah, things to

to come up with, "Oh,

he's hungry for White Castle.

He didn't know, he just came

to visit me today."

Your dad lives nowhere near

that White Castle.

I know, he lives miles away.

For my book punishment, what

I was told was that there would

be an excerpt of very personal

details from my life that I may

or may not be very upset about.

When you watch the episode,

you'll see me sitting

in a chair,

looking like I'm this close

'to projectile vomiting.'

We're here at the bookstore

to punish Sal.

And congrats, buddy.

You are the author

of a brand-new book.

'And we have set up a book

reading downstairs'

with a bunch of

people from a book club

and they're here to meet

the author.

Okay, so what Sal doesn't

know is that his book is

completely blank.

(Q)

'He's gonna have to make it up

as he goes along.'

Hi, everyone. How are you?

My name is Sal Vulcano.

I'm a new author.

Uh, this is my first published

work.

And I was gonna read an excerpt

for you guys

from the book today.

The book is called

"Keeping The Faith, My Battle

With Chronic Flatulence."

[laughing]

It's a-it's a very raw book.

It's..

I don't pull any punches.

Okay, so I'll begin.

[laughing]

[Sal chuckles]

Yeah. Um, okay.

[laughing continues]

'Uh..'

...just making sure they marked

the right page for me.

Yeah. Uh..

[men laughing]

Uh, it began when

I was just a baby.

The nurses and doctors, they

suspected that there may be

uh, an internal intestinal issue

uh, because

they heard many noises

coming from the baby area.

[men laughing]

Yeah.

People would make fun of me

and the only answer I had..

...was flatulence.

Uh, but I-I-I did

get an operation.

Uh, the operation backfired.

I flatulate twice as much now

and it seems like a cruel joke

that is being played on me.

[laughing]

My favorite is that

he couldn't find the words

"Maternity Ward," and he said

"In The Baby Area."

Oh, that's what you mean?

I thought you meant

the-the baby area.

- No.

- I just..

If you are not a screaming

pervert, then "baby area"

means what it's supposed

to mean.

- Right, right, right.

- No, it was your hand gestures.

- You did "The baby area."

- Stop doing that.

Murr, the heart sees

what it wants.

[laughing]

Well, the bipolar magnetic

reversal theory..

[stammers]

How did you even..

What did you google to

get that combination of words?

I thought of every big word

that I could

and I just started

arranging them.

- Oh, that's not a real thing?

- No.

[laughing]

So, we've got a short

PowerPoint presentation called

"Social Networking And You!"

Uh, okay, uh,

social networking is based on

the same exact core principle as

Bipolar Magnetic Reversal

Theory.

[laughing]

What is Bipolar Magnetic

Reversal Theory? Anyone know?

Is, uh..

So, bipolar,

two opposite things.

Reversal..

[men laughing]

Social networking is the same

as that.

[men laughing]

My favorite part of that

punishment is the microphone

by your eyeball.

(Murr)

'It kept sliding out.'

A yellow mike right here by

your eye.

Yellow thing right on his

face the entire time.

We found a way to up

your douche quotient.

[laughing]

Well, when I- when I took out

the book and it said

"Portuguese.."

I know that Portuguese

is close to Spanish.

It's hard enough to fake talk,

but to fake sing

it's even harder.

Even in English,

you can't sing, so..

Let's see what

we are teaching today.

Okay, so..

Oh, Portuguese.

So, we're gonna do some

Portuguese today.

- Okay.

- Right now I'd like to..

Sing a Portuguese love song

to you.

[Q laughing]

...sing a Portuguese love song.

Let me think which one I want to

sing 'cause I know so many

Portuguese love songs.

[laughing]

[vocalizes]

[chuckles]

[singing indistinctly]

(Q)

'She looks shell-shocked.'

[singing continues]

[men laughing]

My American love song

is even worse.

She had an amused look

on her face.

- I thought she was enjoying it.

- No, it wasn't amusement..

More like,

"Is this guy for serious?"

- Bewilderment.

- Yeah.

Like, where, how do I call

security in this place?

You abandoned our trick,

which I taught you one day

which was to say real things but

make it sound..

- Like what?

- Like..

[foreign accent]

The car is parked

in the street-o.

- 'What?'

- Car's parked in the street.

Like, you just say it, but you

make it sound really--

That's not as good as a trick

as you think it was

'cause I clearly heard you say

the car is parked

in the street-o.

[laughing]

(male narrator)

Coming up..

If somebody whispered to my

food, I wouldn't eat it.

Sal's sweet talk

gets a sour reaction.

[whispering]

You're a good little tart.

And later,

the guys offer lap dances

in the park in a lost scene

from season .

They go through so many

emotions, the people on our show

confusion, anger, excitement.

- Excitement.

- Hysterics.

I don't know how I would react

to someone whispering

to my food.

I guess if someone was putting

their mouth close to my food

talking, I wouldn't like it.

- A raspberry tart?

- Whisper to the tart.

Be the tart whisperer.

[men laughing]

[whispering]

You're a good little tart.

You're gonna go. You're a good

little tart. Shh. Come here.

What else?

A cannoli? One mini one?

You're gonna go home

with this girl

and she's gonna eat you

and you're feel full.

Yes?

[men laughing]

Remember what I said.

Don't talk to the cannoli?

Sorry.

Don't worry.

She's gonna be alright.

[men laughing]

If somebody whispered to

my food, I wouldn't eat it.

- I wouldn't eat it.

- I would.

I got that last whisper in,

and she still took them.

Well, at that point, I think

she knew she was outmatched.

[laughs]

'Right.'

Hands down, best reaction ever,

mustache guy.

Yes.

You're gonna hit the next

customer

with a "Hey, mustache."

I'm sorry, mustache. I'm..

Don't call you..

See, I couldn't even do it,

mustache. I had to..

I wasn't speaking to you.

I was speaking to her.

- 'Don't call me clown.'

- Well, don't call me clown.

(Joe)

'Don't call me clown mustache.'

Alright, mustache, don't call me

clown is all I'm saying.

I am not in an alpha-male-like

thing, where I'm just like

"What's up, mustache?"

I'm, like, trying to avoid

eye contact.

I'm giving all the signs

of a whipped, beaten dog.

I'm just trying to get it out

without a physical

confrontation.

I like how you really

completely punked out, though.

When he got, like,

really aggressive

you blamed the old lady.

[laughing]

Her reaction too, "Hmm?"

How about the guy that jumped

on the couch in the apartment?

- Yeah, right?

- 'Cause he was something else.

He played ball, man.

(Joe)

'Okay, let's see if Murr

can bag a roomie.'

- Hi, man.

- Hey. How you doing?

- James. Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

- How are you? What's your name?

- Sidan.

- Thanks for coming by.

- Yeah, no problem.

- What do you do, man?

- Oh, I, I'm..

I do stocks in the neighborhood.

Murray, match his excitement.

I'm originally from

Borough Park.

- Are you serious?

- Yeah!

Get big, Murray.

[bleep] yeah, man!

That's awesome, bro!

That's awesome!

Murray doesn't know

what to do right now.

Murray is outmatched.

And here we can totally have,

like, parties out here.

We can, seriously, we can

[bleep] rock, man.

- You know what I mean?

- I love this guy.

Jump over the furniture.

[laughing]

You are the best!

[laughing]

So what do you say?

You want to move in?

And that was his real

personality, man.

He was so excited and so,

like, animated, I'm like..

There's never, in the world

before that moment

has anyone been that excited

to meet Murray.

[laughing]

Not only have we met a lot of

fun people doing this show

we've made up a lot of fun

people doing this show.

Who do we got? We got Larry,

Santiago, Uncle Clem.

The cleanest uncle in town.

[laughing]

Got a crazy message.

It's my uncle.

[scoffs]

- He's been staying at my place.

- Yeah.

And, you know, when I bring

chicks over..

Now Uncle Clem is living

with me.

I totally forgot to take it out.

Oh, my [bleep] Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

There's no way to escape this

now. We got him boxed in.

[cell phone beeps]

Alright, let's see

what he wants.

So, he just wrote back..

[men laughing]

[laughing continues]

I love that you kept trying

to get out of that

and then we just hit you

with a recap.

That was the best part of

that bit for me, was that you

kept, no matter what you could

say, we could instantly pull

the rug out underneath.

But have you seen

Uncle Clem's balls?

'They are something.'

I think Larry is, hands down,

the favorite.

- Yeah.

- Larry!

So, is there a specific price

range you were looking at?

You want.. I got to check.

[men laughing]

Larry? Larry?

Larry!

Larry! Larry! Larry! Larry?

Larry, I need azlet, size seven!

One more, as loud as you can.

Do it right in her face.

Larry! !

[laughing]

Larry! I need an eight

and a half!

I was calling you, Larry!

Larry! Larry!

He's cutting the whole line

by simply shouting "Larry."

Larry! Larry!

[laughing]

- Oh.

- Not Larry?

No, he's not Larry.

Oh. That's a shame.

Wasn't Larry.

Larry is the number-one

thing I hear screamed at me

when I walk down the street.

I think they like Larry

better than any of us.

- Larry's a real guy.

- Yeah.

He's actually a member

of our crew

the nicest guy in the world.

He's so nice that we would

scream at him.

You can't help

but yell at him.

"Larry, where the F

is my sandwich?"

and it just worked its way into

the show.

- Larry!

- Larry!

Larry!

Coming up..

We didn't expect people

to get so angry.

...Sal sticks his

fork where it doesn't belong.

- Are you crazy?

- And later..

Sal and Murr

hit all the wrong notes..

♪ And years ♪♪

...in a bonus scene

from season .

There are some moments of our

show that are so shocking

it literally brings the show

to a standstill

and surprises the hell

out of us, too, right?

Either that we're surprised

or we're..

We think we're gonna get k*lled.

[laughing]

I couldn't believe what was

going on in that room

when you started stealing food

off people's plates.

We almost got thrown

out of the whole place.

That word, the only word

for that is "Mayhem."

- 'Let's go, fearless.'

- My God, my favorite, y'all.

Love it.

[men laughing]

[chuckles]

[men laughing]

- 'Look at her face!'

- 'She doesn't know what to do.'

- 'Here he goes.'

- 'Oh!'

Loco, boss?

Are you crazy?

Hey, hey, hey.

No, no, no, I just wanted..

Where did you find this one?

It's my favorite.

There's mayhem

going on out here.

There's complete mayhem.

[laughing]

(Q)

'The amount of dirty looks that

are getting thrown your way..'

We didn't expect people

to get so angry.

I figured, I'll k*ll them

with kindness.

Get out of there,

and I'll leave them in confusion

not contempt, right?

- But..

- That's not what happened.

- No, that is not.

- My God, my favorite, y'all.

'Right?'

There's an added level to the

whole thing when the general

public gets involved, 'cause you

don't know how far along

they'll play.

- Yeah, anything can happen.

- 'Anything can happen.'

You know, they could decide

they want to smell

a dog's butt that day.

Yeah, right, right, right.

(Sal)

'Take a puppy out of the cage,

Joe.'

- Mm-hmm.

- And smell its ass.

(Q)

'He's gonna do it,

I'm telling you.'

I think this is the right one.

[all groan]

No, I just..

You make sure, you know.

That's how you tell who's who.

Right, Melissa?

[sniffs]

[laughing]

You know, they have different

smells. Go ahead.

[sniffs]

[all groan]

- What are people thinking?

- Wow!

I love how you did it and,

like, believed it

all the way through.

"Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah.

Smell it."

[stammers]

..like, "Oh, smell, honey."

[laughing]

When we did the speed-dating

challenge

and your tooth fell out, oh..

It was insane.

She didn't know what to do

with herself.

I didn't know what to do

with myself.

[laughing]

Hello. Hey, how are you?

Start going way overboard

flattering this girl.

You are, let me tell you

something, gorgeous.

- G-O-R-R-G-O-U-Z-S..

- Oh, my God.

Gorrgouzs.

[laughing]

(Joe)

'His tooth fell out.

It's his tooth.'

'His tooth's on the table.'

- Oh, [bleep]

- 'It fell on the table.'

That's his tooth.

- That's awful.

- No. Don't worry about it.

- That's like..

- Be a pirate!

Be a pirate!

I'm like a pirate, like

"Arr! Arr, matey!"

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[laughing]

Arr!

Is that a common problem,

or that just happened?

It happens if I start talking

too fast.

It just, it projectiles out

and just, like, bounces off

things and stuff like that.

A lot of sugary drinks

as a child.

Coming up..

There are some clips that did

not make it to air.

...the jokers' hips don't lie

in an exclusive bonus scene

from season .

There are some lines that

we say on the show that just

take a life of their own.

They get thrown back at us on

Twitter, Facebook.

We hear them all the time.

It is an odd thing walking

down the street

and have people scream at me

to let them titties go.

[laughing]

(all)

All before you start to blow.

Women wear brassieres

that could be obstructive

or constricting.

You might want to take off

the brassiere.

Because the rule is

let them tittays go

before you start to blow.

[men laughing]

Yeah, okay, so..

[sighs]

So, the rule is..

...you want to let them tittays

go before you start to blow.

[men laughing]

Let's all say it.

So, let's say it together.

(all)

you want to let them

tittays go

before you start to blow.

[men laughing]

It's funny how sometimes,

how these lines come about.

They are made up in the moment,

'cause you have to just talk

and say something.

With, like, old English..

How are you so well-versed

in old English?

I just play

Dungeons & Dragons a lot.

[laughing]

Good morrow, sir, and welcome

to the castle of white!

What's thou craving?

Bring it to me,

and I shall slay it!

Two burgers of ham!

Two burgers of cheese!

Your wit, sir, is legendary!

[beeping]

'Tis confusion!

[men laughing]

Squire!

- Sire?

- There's cents.

(all)

Oh!

The most generous lord

in all the land!

I would love it if that was

your real voice.

We got to make the : a.m.

movie!

[laughing]

It's popcorn I want!

You'd be like, "Shut up, dude."

And I'd be like, "Alright."

There are some clips that did

not make it to air.

- Do we get to show it yet?

- Show the damn clip.

Roll the clip.

[laughing]

What you've got to do is

stand up and say whatever

we text you to say.

- You sent it?

- I sent it, yeah.

- 'Here it goes.'

- 'One new message.'

When I was in the ninth

grade, my mom caught me

in our laundry room pleasuring

myself to a Kathy Ireland

"Swimsuit Edition" Magazine.

[laughing]

So, we're here at a huge

medical convention

'and we've set up a fake booth

with a fake company'

that we've made up.

And we'll be telling them

what to do and vice versa.

How are you today? Have you

heard of McClelland before?

Guys, sing, sing the

company jingle for her.

- Uh..

- 'Go ahead. Make one up.'

You might recognize

the jingle.

Um, it goes, uh..

♪ McClelland's Inc. ♪

♪ Here for you ♪

♪ From day to night ♪

♪ From month to year ♪

♪ And years and years

and years ♪♪

Keep going. Keep going.

♪ McClelland's Inc ♪

♪ Nurses doctors ♪

♪ Rabbits? not rabbits ♪

♪ McClelland's Inc ♪

♪ Not rabbits ♪

♪ Ding ♪♪

Now, the challenge is to go

up to people who are just

sitting alone,

minding their own business

and sashay in front of them.

[upbeat music]

[laughs]

Well, we've learned some stuff

from punishments in season .

I've learned not to lose.

What have I learned?

That dog crap is not cool.

Yeah, dog crap is definitely

not cool.

Don't put a toe in your mouth

if you don't know where

it's been.

I think the punishments

in season

are going to be ten times worse.

Oh, my. We're definitely gonna

get arrested.

In season ,

I will have my revenge.

[laughing]

[indistinct]

[laughing]