02x04 - The Stoop Sessions Part 2

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Impractical Jokers". Aired: December 15, 2011 –; present.*
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This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
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02x04 - The Stoop Sessions Part 2

Post by bunniefuu »

(male narrator)

Tonight,

the Jokers are back

on the stoop

to discuss the highs..

Hey, Murr, remember when you

tried to kiss that guy?

(male narrator)

...and lows.

I can't believe somebody

said that to a stranger!

I will give you

this whole thing free

if you show me your tits.

(male narrator)

plus, they'll show you

exclusive bonus scenes

from season one.

I got to take a poops.

You know, I got to make a peeps.

Quess who's got to do poops?

[laughter]

You know,

a lot of people ask me

"what is the difference

between season one

and season two

of "Impractical Jokers?"

And I got it for you.

It's one word,

special effects.

(all)

Hey!

Oh, they put me backwards!

And that was the first

and last you'll see

of the special effects.

But it was a good one.

That's it?

The budget's gone?

We have no more, but what

we do have more of..

never-before-seen footage

funny moments!

There's gonna be

tomfoolery, shenanigans.

- Ballyhoo?

- Tons of ballyhoo.

Oh! I said no ballyhoo.

We already ordered

the ballyhoo.

You know ballyhoo

k*lled my parents.

And you're still

bringing ballyhoo.

Alright, guys,

forget the ballyhoo!

Tomfoolery is coming at you.

Oh, tomfoolery!

On occasion, we sometimes

laugh while performing.

Some of us more than others.

Alright, you're not

pointing any fingers.

What are we here for if not

to laugh and enjoy ourselves?

I'm not gonna hold back.

You know you're not supposed

to laugh when you're out there.

And then sometimes somebody says

something in your ear

or you unveil something,

and it's over.

You're toast, man.

I know what it's like

to be toast.

- Hello.

- How you doing?

How are you? This is all yours?

- Yeah.

- We got some great cakes here.

What's the occasion

with all this cake?

Something good?

Who kicked the bucket?

Kick..

Oh, my God.

Who, uh, who cake..

[laughs]

Who caked the bucket?

[laughing]

Who...honestly, though.

Who caked the bucket?

Who caked the bucket?

[laughs]

(Murr)

'That's a really funny line.'

The worst you broke was in

"surprise funeral."

Oh, my..

That was, the stars aligned.

'Oh, this is awesome.'

'It's an old lady

for this charity.'

- How are you today?

- Sal, go ahead, man.

Rope her in.

(Joe)

'He has no idea what's

about to hit him.'

Let's just shove him

under the bus.

Get that charity money. Come on.

I wouldn't lead you astray.

- I can't look at it.

- Do it, buddy! Do it!

We're also collecting money

for charity today.

- I can't even look.

- Oh, my god.

It's a really good cause.

I've been collecting

for it for years now.

It's my own charity

that I made up.

[laughter]

It was a perfect storm of

of, person, title, topic.

It all came together.

I don't blame him.

How could you not

laugh on that one?

Q crumbled.

Crumbled in the art gallery.

You were useless!

You were a babbling idiot!

[applause]

Hi.

Thanks for coming down

to "Me, myself & I."

So, uh, without further ado.

Yes! And here we go.

That is..

[laughing]

'Wow.'

'Well, what happened here is..'

[laughing]

It looks like me

stepping on Chinese children.

[laughter]

I, I just got emotional.

You could give me , years

to come up with what might have

been under that if I lifted it.

And in , years, I would have

been like, "it's me..

...stepping on

Chinese children."

[laughter]

Sometimes you're out there

you got to make something

work, right?

You got to just pull something

out of your hat.

It really is survival

of the fittest out there.

And you're good at it

because you're a natural

in your natural state,

you're a [bleep].

Yeah.

(Sal)

'Alright, Murr,

let's do this, buddy.'

I wouldn't, uh, get that

brand if I were you.

- This one?

- Yeah, no, no, no, no.

Not at all.

I'll tell you why

I wouldn't get it.

n*zi Germany.

Um, I wouldn't get these

mostly because of n*zi Germany.

I don't know if you

know n*zi Germany.

Um, it's a little-known fact

that Eva Braun, who was

Adolf h*tler's wife had a baby

who survived after the

third Reich was overthrown

by the U.S. Government.

And that baby, she used to wipe

with this brand.

Um, so, it's a little bit like

if you buy this, you might be

supporting Nazis.

- What?

- Yeah. Crazy, I know.

It's crazy.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

hold on. Wait a minute.

- Well..

- 'Didn't he just use it?'

I like to stay as far away

from Adolf h*tler as I can.

You'll just make up

anything on the spot.

Sure. Ask me anything right now.

Oh, how many elements are

there in the periodic chart?

, that they've just recently

found new ones

but before that..

In my experience

when you speak with confidence,

people will believe anything.

That's why I run

a successful cult.

[laughter]

This clown, making up car

words for human body parts.

Oh, this your Nissan Sentrus?

Yeah, right above your

Nissan Maximus.

Where exactly is the

Nissan Maximus?

it's between the regis philbin

and your anterior vena cava.

So, have you ever

done the heimlich?

No.

Joe, just start making up

medical terms.

So, you want to come right

under into the Nissan Maximus.

Push right here, right under

the, uh, regis philbin.

And you want to, until

something pops out.

Some people do a problem,

and they'll go right up top

on the Nissan altimas.

You want to get under to the

Nissan Maximus right here.

So, not too low

to the Nissan Sentrus.

You want to get him

right in the Pathfinder.

[laughter]

If people don't know

where the Nissan Sentrus is

it's up to me to educate.

What made you click and say

"I'm about to start naming

the full line of Nissans?"

During that week, I was

actually car shopping.

[laughter]

We're all pretty good at bs'ing

except for Q

with the vis-a-vis.

Yeah.

Q, you have to get somebody

to say the word "vis-a-vis."

Okay. Vis-a-vis..

Do you know where,

I can get coconuts?

Like, the whole coconut?

Fresh coconut?

Yeah, like, vis-a-vis,

like a coconut.

Makes no sense.

Like vis-a-vis that guy,

like, that little guy in there.

You know what I'm talking about?

Really? Vis-a-vis?

Vis-a-vis?

[cheering]

That wasn't clever

in the slightest.

Do you know what

vis-a-vis means?

Yeah, vis-a-vis like a coconut.

What are you talking about?

Everybody knows what vis-a-vis

means. Am I crazy?!

(male narrator)

Coming up..

What possessed you to dive

face-first into

a stranger's food?

(male narrator)

Q is forced to dine and dash.

And later, find out

what brings Murr

to tears in a

lost segment from season one.

There's some moments of the

show where you're just like..

[shudders]

Like, "what's gonna happen?"

What possessed you to dive

face-first into

a stranger's food?

Take it easy, buddy.

(Murr)

'He's got a napkin.'

'He's putting the napkin..'

(Joe)

'What the hell?'

[laughing]

(Sal)

'He went face-first.'

He's going for seconds.

'Oh, my god.'

[laughter]

I like the juxtaposition

of etiquette

with the handkerchief

versus seeing a pure savage.

I mean, I'm not an animal.

That's right.

Sal, let me ask you something,

what would you do

if a gentleman asked you

to see your tits?

[sighs]

Well, let me ask you this.

Uh, would I be getting $ . ?

Well, yeah, that's..

[laughter]

A dozen. Sure.

Tell this guy you'll give him

his whole order for free

if he shows you his tits.

(Murr)

'Oh, my god.'

Your total is $ . .

Uh, I will give you this

whole thing free..

...if you show me your tits.

[laughter]

The whole thing for free.

$ . .

Some of it is really,

really cringe-worthy.

Yeah, exactly.

But that buffet business

got reals, yo.

♪ Boop-bop-bee-dop-bow ♪♪

That's true.

We're gonna follow patrons

to the buffet

and help ourselves to

some food from their plates.

[scatting]

- 'This is getting interesting.'

- 'He's gonna follow him.'

[scatting]

[laughter]

He hit the spoon!

[scatting]

Come on, come on, come on.

[scatting]

Whoa, no!

[laughter]

What would you have done,

seriously

if the guy punched

you in the face?

Like, "guys, help!

Guys! Guys! Help me!"

[scats]

Ouch!

Hey, Murr, remember when you

tried to kiss that guy?

[laughter]

So we've come up with the

perfect challenge for Murr.

He's got to go up and try

to make out with strangers.

Here you go. Here you go.

Get some, Murr.

The guy, oh, the guy.

Oh, my god.

I'm trying to get up to the

metropolitan museum of art

and I just don't know

where that is.

Look, here it is.

Here it is. Here it is.

Perfect. Thank you so much, man.

What? What?

Get out of here.

alright, go ahead.

You'll hurt me,

so I'm going to go.

You stuck your face

in his face.

I have to.

I went in for the kiss.

I went in like a man.

He did look like he was debating

whether he should just pound me

or let it go.

You know, we don't get

to see it so close

but when I watched

it on broadcast television

I was very much like, "aah!"

(male narrator)

coming up...

Sal can't get over the hump.

This is not what

you think it is.

I had no other way

to explain it.

(male narrator)

And later, Joe gets

in touch with his inner child

in a never-before-seen

segment from season one.

You know, when we show up

to do the show

we know that we're

gonna surprise each other.

My favorite bits

when the people

the public throw a

curveball on us that

we didn't see coming,

that elevates us all the way.

Totally takes it

to the next level.

Folks, you'd like a free

tarot card reading?

I see someone

in the afterlife.

Okay, I see someone

in the afterlife.

It's Frank.

He says, "what's up?"

It's Frank.

He says, "what's up?"

Do you know Frank?

He says, "what's up?"

- Frank is in the hospital?

- Yeah.

Tell her she should be

getting a phone call any minute.

No, I don't..

(Sal)

'Do it! Say it!'

I don't know if

I can read these cards.

(Joe)

'Say it or you lose!'

You should be getting

a phone call any minute.

The best-laid plans that we

have get thrown out the window.

There's an added level

to the whole thing

when the general

public gets involved

'cause you don't know how far

along they'll play.

- Anything could happen.

- Yeah.

Got a couple seconds

to give me a signature

just for a quick cause.

It's to allow whites

in the m*llitary.

Whites in the m*llitary, yeah.

In the m*llitary.

In all legs of the m*llitary

air force, marines,

coast guard.

I got the pen right here.

Well, I want to just

get more white dicks.

[laughter]

My favorite thing about all

the curveballs that we've ever

gotten was Murray finally got

the female anatomy.

He became a man that day.

Murray, you're gonna

take out the douche.

'Look in there, brother.

There's a big old douche.'

'And talk to the gentleman

in the fedora.'

Excuse me, sir.

I'm, uh..

(Sal)

'My friends say I'm a douche.'

My, my friends..

My friends call me a douche.

And I'm not really sure

what it is.

I'm not sure what it is,

so I was gonna buy it here.

- I thought that--

- You don't want to buy that.

This is not--

Well, that's what it is, but

you know what a douche is?

No, I don't. No. They said, they

call me a douche all the time.

But do you know

what a douche is?

- I don't know.

- Come here. I'll tell you.

Come over here.

Away from the ladies.

Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

A douche is what women use

to clean their [bleep]

No! Come on.

They.. It's a bath that they

use to clean their [bleep]

so they don't smell.

So if they call you a douche..

So, when they call me

a douche, they're calling me a..

They're calling me

a clean [bleep]?

No, they're calling

you a dirty [bleep]

because you're not gonna use it

if you have a clean [bleep].

Why would they friends

call me that?

I don't know.

It could be just

a term of endearment.

What happens

if you don't douche?

What happens

if you don't douche?

Hell if I know.

I like a dirty [bleep]

- Wait a second, though.

- He'll let you know.

I know, but you're giving me

inside street knowledge.

He was at the ready to talk

about douches at every

point of his life.

He was at the ready, and then

he confessed his own personal

preference, which I won't say.

But I can't believe somebody

said that to a stranger!

I'll say it.

He likes dirty [bleep]

You know, a lot of the stuff

we have to do to each other

is in the moment.

There's someone in front of you,

you got the thing

I'm telling you what to do.

But every once in a while

we get to plan things out,

do a little artwork.

If we have something that

we're gonna hit you with

we just stare

at you all week, we're like

"Sunday's your big

day, but you don't know it yet."

I have no idea.

Um, the book is a little

of a self journey

if you will,

so, we're talking about like

um, really getting

to know Joe over the years.

'Um, the number of girls

I bang every day.'

Sunday is my big day.

[laughter]

That graph is wrong.

I'm slow all week.

Yours has become an iconic

symbol of our show.

The two unicorns humping.

It is magical.

I used to be..

...much less confident

than I am right now.

I wasn't always that confident.

I used to be drowning in debt.

Okay.

'Oh...wow.'

Have you ever seen the image of

is it an old woman

or a princess?

Is it two people kissing

or is it a candlestick?

Is it two unicorns doing

something near a rainbow?

This is not what

you think it is.

[laughter]

I had no other way to explain it

but, "it's not what

you think it is."

"Trust me. Trust me, people.

It's not what you think."

When, in fact, it is exactly

what you think it is.

(male narrator)

coming up..

You won't have to hold your

breath much longer to see this

exclusive bonus scene

from season one.

The moment we have all

been waiting for

never-before-seen footage

that we have been dying

for you to watch.

Here's the challenge,

we have to go up to strangers

and ask if we can

use their bathroom

but we have to say the

word "peeps" or "poops."

Think you could let me do

peeps in here?

I got to take a poops.

You know,

I got to make a peeps.

Guess who's got to do poops?

- Oh, you got to--

- Make a.. Yeah.

- You sure you're alright?

- Yeah.

What did you just ask me?

I'm just a guy standing in

front of another guy

trying to see where

I can make a peeps.

You know where I can go poops?

I got to take a poops!

We're here at kidding around

toy store where today

we're gonna throw

temper tantrums

and try to get people

to buy stuff for us.

If you don't get somebody

to buy you a toy, you lose.

Can you buy me this?

[crying]

[sobbing]

Please!

she's talking

to him like a kid.

But...the point being...if

you..

...could get stuff...from

people.

I guess so.

[all groan]

(Joe)

'Get the dude with the tie

and the glasses.'

There's a lot of cool stuff

here for kids.

- Yeah.

- Like this pencil case.

- Yeah, it's a nice pencil case.

- You want to buy it for me?

He's gonna buy that for me, too.

He said he would.

Come on, man.

[inhales deeply]

Yeah! Yeah!

I want it!

♪ Buy me a pencil case ♪

♪ I want a pencil case ♪

♪ I've been

the best boy ever ♪♪

No?

[screaming]

Sorry, did you want to get

that for me and buy it for me?

That's perfect.

So excited. Getting..

Oh, you're not?

But I really want it.

I so want it. I so want it.

Please! I so want it!

I so want it

I want it, I want it, I want it

I want it, I want it, I want it,

I want it, I want it, I want it

I want it, I want it, I want it

I want it, I want it, I want it.

I can taste it!

It's so good!

Remember when you said you were

gonna get it for me?

- 'Oh, there you go.'

- 'There you go, Murray.'

(Sal)

'Striped shirt.'

Come here. Come here.

This is awesome, isn't it?

This is only $ . .

It's really cute.

I would love

it if I could have it.

Will you buy that for me?

No. no, no, please!

[whimpers]

You buy this toy for me!

Or I'm gonna get angry!

La, la, la, la, la, la, la,

la, la, la, la, la, la..

I'm gonna have nightmares

tonight.

Why are you being

mean to me?

I want it! I want it! I want it!

I want the toy!

[crying]

Oh!

- He's taking his socks off!

- He's nuts.

[duck quacking]

- Could I have it?

- What would you do with it?

I'd play with it.

It's really cute.

- Please! Please.

- Can you buy it for me?

- No way!

- Oh, come on!

You're buying it!

Come here!

I love you so much!

Thank you so much! Yes!

[bell dings]

[buzzer]

[duck quacking]

Watching that made me realize

how good we're doing

so far in season two.

There's a lot of good things

coming your way in season two.

Oh, we're doing some crazy

new stuff.

In season two, we've got

vengeance on our minds.

- That's it.

- A season-long grudge match.

I apologize in advance for

everything I'm about to do to

you in season two.

I'm sorry, my friend.

You can go [bleep] yourself.

Thank you guys for joining us.

We hope you liked it.

And we will see you back here

for a brand-new season

of "Impractical Jokers."

And remember, guys,

special effects.

[fingers snap]

[fingers snap]

There's no more special effects.

- I know.

- Hmm.
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