02x26 - All the Wrong Moves

[bunniefuu]

(male narrator)

Coming up...

Oh, boy.

What's got Sal on the run?

Cannonball!

Why is Joe turning

to a life of crime?

I kidnapped

the vice president.

(male narrator)

And why does tonight's

big loser have a breakdown?

[crowd boos]

[laughter]

[theme music]

It is a bright day here

at Mountain Creek Waterpark

in Vernon, New Jersey.

So bright, we'll be wearing

these sunglasses

that have been completely

blacked out on the inside

so we can't see a single thing.

The catch is, the other guys

will be telling us where to go

what to say, and what to do.

We'll have to blindly do

what we're told

and deal with the consequences.

If you can't, you lose.

Look. You can't see

a single thing.

There's a new, real danger

doing it here versus at a park.

- Oh, yeah.

- You could drown.

[laughter]

Ooh, the cold water's on

my ankle. It feels good.

(Sal)

'I wanna go in that pool

so bad.'

Alright, Q, you want to put

them glasses on?

I've been practicing at home.

[laughter]

'Walking around

with your eyes closed?'

- That's right.

- Okay, Q.

Take about three steps forward

'turn right and sit down'

'Indian-style.

One, two, three.'

Little more to your left,

by two inches.

[laughter]

Keep scooching to the left.

Keep going.

- 'Scooch!'

- 'Keep going! Keep going!'

[laughing]

Now the dad got up!

Keep scooching to your left.

'Scooch to your left.

Scooch to your left.'

- Argh!

- Turn to your left.

Say, "Hey, Donald,

how was your root canal?"

Hey, Donald,

how was that root canal?

(Sal)

'Now take them off!

Take them off!'

[laughter]

No! No!

You're not a Donald at all!

Oh. Oh, hey! What's going on?

You guys were just

enjoying yourselves

and then I came over here

and called you Donald.

Alright, buddy.

Walk straight.

- 'Yeah, keep walking straight.'

- 'A couple steps. Stop. Stop.'

- Stop.

- Turn to your left.

- 'Okay, h-h-hold on.'

- 'Walk straight.'

Just take, like,

ten steps forward.

Okay, okay.

Alright, guys. I..

[laughter]

I know there's a pool

in front of me.

I can smell it.

I can hear people playing.

I don't know what

you're talking about.

I said just take

about ten steps forward.

Yeah, I'm not going into the

pool, guys. I'll take the loss.

I know that you don't wanna

go in the pool.

I know that you don't wanna go

in the pool. Trust me.

'You are near the pool, but

you can take a couple of steps.'

- Guys, I will take the loss.

- 'Just ten steps forward.'

'Y-you're fine. Just take one

more baby step near the pool.'

[laughter]

Yes!

You still gonna take that loss?

- Alright. Ready, Murr?

- Oh, my God.

[laughing]

Oh, my God!

- I forgot how dark it is.

- Turn right.

I hear splashing

all around me.

Well, you know that you're

near a pool, right, buddy?

You're near a gigantic,

gigantic, triple olympic-size

swimming pool.

That's the splashing, buddy.

I know. I know, [bleep].

Make a right, make a right,

make a right.

Go forward. You, you. Point.

- You, you.

- You, you, you.

- You, you, you, you.

- What's up?

I am not leaving here

till I have a tan like yours.

I am not leaving here until I

have a tan like yours.

Alright. Take those glasses off.

[laughing]

Oh! Oh!

Wow. Wow. That was.. That was..

Ridiculous.

- Oh, my God.

- Wow.

Go straight. Straight.

Straight, straight, left, left.

Left, left, left, left, left

straight, straight, straight

straight, left, left, straight.

Speed up, speed up, speed up!

'Right, right, right, right.

Take your glasses off.'

[laughter]

G-gotcha! Gotcha.

Enjoy the day.

It's a beautiful day. Oh, man.

Murray,

you're a little fair-skinned.

'I'm worried about you out

there. You're getting sunburnt.'

Go straight there.

Make a right.

'Okay, stop, there's a bottle

there on the lifeguard stand'

there, and there's sunblock.

Grab that bottle. Good, Murr.

Now get some of that sunscreen

on your arms, buddy.

There you go. Nice!

'There you go, nice and deep.'

This is [bleep] mustard,

isn't it?

You [bleep].

Oh, my God!

You idiots.

Murr, we want you to get that

golden tan.

This is gross!

I hate mustard!

Goodbye, vision.

Alright, Joe. Turn to your left.

Now walk straight.

Walk to your right

and say, "Hey."

Hey, hey.

I thought I told you to stay

off my turf!

I thought I told you

to stay off my turf!

- 'Hey! You! Yeah, you.'

- You, you.

'Now take the glasses off.'

Oh, no. No, you can go swim.

You can enjoy.

No, go ahead, buddy.

(Murr)

'Walk straight.

There you go.'

'Straight a little bit more,

a little bit more.'

'Take a step forward. There

you go. You feel the towel?'

There you go, buddy. Just dry

your face with it, real quick.

'Go ahead. Dry your face.'

[laughter]

'Now take the sunglasses off.

Take them off.'

Oh, my God!

That's your towel.

I thought this,

I thought this was mine.

You idiots.

Walk straight.

- This way?

- 'Yep, yep.'

You'll feel

there's a fence coming.

Don't walk into it.

'I put a shirt out there

for you.'

'Go to the right.

No, a little bit more.'

'There, that's it.

That's your shirt.'

- Whose shirt is this?

- Well, it's yours now.

'Put it on.'

These better

not be fake boobs.

Alright, buddy, now..

[laughter]

'Alright, now make a right.

Hard right, there you go.'

'Go straight. Keep going.

Keep going a little bit.'

'Stop. Stop. Stop.

Point up a little bit.'

- 'Hey!'

- Hey.

'You've been sitting on

your ass all day.'

You've been sitting on

your ass all day.

'I'm about to make you

earn your money.'

I'm about to make you

earn your money.

'Run into the water

as fast as you can.'

[laughter]

'Start yelling, "Help."

Start yelling, "Help."'

Help! Help!

- Help!

- 'Turn around, degrees.'

'Wave your hands

over your head.'

Now start yelling,

"What's your problem, dude?"

- What's your problem, dude?

- 'Earn your money.'

Earn that money!

Earn that money!

Alright, now take off

your glasses. Read your shirt.

[laughter]

- Here we go, Sal.

- Now, left.

'Okay, now straight.'

Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Okay, now kneel down real low.

'Get real low to the ground.'

'Lean forward more,

more forward.'

And say, "Excuse me.

Do you need mouth-to-mouth?"

Excuse me.

Do you need mouth-to-mouth?

What?

Oh, my God!

Take the glasses off!

She was sleeping!

We're very close

to each other's face?

- Yeah.

- I-I..

It looked like you were in

trouble and you were passed out.

I just wanted to make

sure you were okay.

- Oh, no, I'm just relaxing.

- Oh, okay.

You look like

you were passed out.

No, I mean,

I don't know if people

who pass out move

their feet like this.

I didn't see you

moving the feet. That's why.

- Oh.

- Be careful.

[laughter]

Turn to your left degrees.

'Now go straight.'

- 'To your right a little bit.'

- 'To your right.'

Now, Sal, now I'm gonna want

you to lean down

and reach your hand out

until you feel fabric

'and then start tugging

downward.'

No. No.

What do you mean no?

What do you mean no?

'Just a light tug,

just a little tug.'

Come on. Don't be an [bleep]

There's just a piece

of fabric hanging.

You want me to pull down

someone's bathing suit.

- I ain't gonna do it.

- No, no, no!

We wouldn't do that.

'Reach forward. Reach out.'

'Now tug.'

'Keep tugging.

Keep tugging downward.'

'Tug with all your might.'

I already know

what's going on here

and I'm very sorry about it.

Sorry. [bleep]

I'm gonna get k*lled. I'm about

to get k*lled right now.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- Don't hit me.

- Now take your glasses off.

Yeah, that's right, yeah.

Thank you for not

slaughtering my face.

Sorry about that.

- Run and do a cannonball.

- No, guys.

But you got to yell cannonball.

Run and yell, "Cannonball!"

Guys, what if I.. I don't want

to hit into anybody, guys.

We'll tell you

when to cannonball.

Ready? One, two, three.

- Run!

- [bleep].

Cannonball!

[instrumental music]

- Run and yell, "Cannonball!"

- Run and yell, "Cannonball!"

Guy, what If I.. I don't want to

hit into anybody, guys.

We'll tell you

when to cannonball.

Ready? One, two, three.

- Run!

- [bleep].

- Cannonball!

- 'Stop!'

- 'Stop.'

- 'Stop, stop, stop, stop.'

'Alright, now turn around

and go back.'

- Run!

- Cannonball.

Cannonball!

'Stop, stop.'

[laughter]

Alright, turn around.

Alright, now run. Cannonball.

- I..

- 'Go!'

- Cannonball!

- 'Stop. Stop!'

- 'Take your glasses off.'

- I'm sorry.

[laughter]

He doesn't even do anything.

He just says, "I'm sorry."

I'm done.

See you guys later.

- What? You're giving up?

- Later.

'You're done?'

The glasses have

left the water park!

- I'm not going back.

- 'That's a loss.'

(male narrator)

So far,

Q and Sal are treading water

on the loser board.

Thesis, pools are gross.

Discuss.

A couple years ago, my friend

dared me to swim in his pool

in the winter, green and swampy.

Two laps for bucks.

I was allowed to use a condom.

I put a condom on.

I love how you just have to

protect that part.

You don't know what's gonna

swim up there.

You realize you have nose,

eyes, ears, mouth?

[laughter]

Today, Joe and Q are going

head-to-head

as authors trying to get their

books published.

Their goal is to convince a

group of literary enthusiasts

that their book is the best.

Joe and I have no idea

what the books are

because they were created

by Sal and Murr.

At the end, they'll ask the

group to vote

for which book they think

should be published.

Whoever gets the fewest hands

raised loses.

You're going downtown.

- Ow.

- Oh, your ring!

What did you do?

I don't even know what

happened to me today?

'Joe, you could have took

an iron to that thing.'

- You look like an old turtle.

- Q looks way better than me.

It's unbelievable.

It feels good to be on this side

of the equation.

- 'Hi, guys.'

- Hello! Hi!

We're presenting

our book to groups.

And at the end, we're gonna take

a vote out of which one

you think should get published.

Okay? So, my book here is..

It's, uh.. "Joey Turncoat.

How I Disgraced My Country

During Battle."

[laughter]

A memoir of sorts by me,

Joe gatto.

Why do you have

a black suit on?

I didn't want to wear

the uniform.

Well, they took it from you,

right?

- Well, that, too, yeah.

- Right.

[laughter]

- You can show them yours.

- Okay.

Mine is, uh...it's a comic book

called "Swamp Ass Thing."

Since Q loves comics so much..

We gave him a fresh

take on an original.

Well,freshtake?

[laughs]

It's about a scientist

afflicted with hellish swamp ass

which as you know is..

It's right.

It's a sweaty badonkadonk.

[laughing]

Sweaty badonkadonk!

And mine's more

a story of truth.

You know, I was in, like, the

whole Afghanistani area.

"Afghanistani?"

And I did a short tour

in Costa Rica.

It's a little island

in the middle of the Caribbean.

- But, you never know--

- Costa Rica is not an island.

You weren't there, man.

It was disgrace all over the

map, from tales of kidnapping

children to get out of

interrogations to "accidentally"

sh**ting a sergeant in the foot.

To get out of a tight pinch I'll

trade a secret in a heartbeat.

Tell me more about

"Swamp Ass Thing."

One night he was working

in his lab

and, uh, you know, lightning hit

the lab, and he fell

into a vat of

ass deodorant.

Ass deodorant?

- And he emerged..

- Swamp ass thing.

Swamp ass thing.

That's right.

She's on board with it.

You got her.

He uses his-his new powers

to freshen up people's asses.

Well, he walks over to someone

and, like..

- Phttt!

- 'Oh, no!'

Swamp ass gone.

And then, also, he fights crime.

Secondary.

Oh, anybody with swamp ass.

You've had it before?

Let me ask you something,

how great would it have been if

somebody had to have swamp-ass

scents, swooped right in, phttt!

I kidnapped the vice president.

I'm a disgraciad'.

If you feel they should

publish the ongoing adventures

of "Swamp Ass Thing,"

please raise your hand now.

One, two, three!

If you think the company

should publish my book

please raise your hand.

- Oh! Five!

- Five! Q goes down.

(male narrator)

Looks like Q is the

disgraciad'on the loser board.

How many comics you think

you've read at this point?

Thousands.

How many trees you think

you've planted?

Three.

How many lives you think

you've saved?

Seven.

How many people you think

you've loved?

- Really?

- Yeah.

One.

[laughter]

Today, we're sitting next to

strangers in Times Square

and asking them

to save our seat.

But the bizarre reason

we need the seat saved

will be given to us

by the other guys.

After we leave, another joker

will try to take that seat

and ask where the last guy went.

If the stranger doesn't

repeat the reason

that you gave to save the seat,

you lose.

Bam!

Yeah, but you know what?

I got to run for one second.

Would you mind just keeping an

eye on this seat for one second?

If I don't watch

Patrick Swayze in "Road House"

twice a day, I'm not myself.

[laughter]

See, I'll be right back,

I got to go watch "Road House"

with Patrick Swayze.

If I don't watch Patrick Swayze

in "Road House" at least

twice a day, I'm not myself.

You know what I mean?

I'll be right back.

- Twice a day, "Road House."

- Just not yourself.

'People like talking about the

beloved Patrick Swayze.'

Excuse me.

Is this seat taken?

Oh, it is? Oh, okay.

By?

He's going to

watch "Road House"?

Did he say why?

How long is "Road House"?

So, you're watching the seat

for two hours

while he watches "Road House"?

Yes, I love that guy!

Alright, well, you know,

I'm more of

a "Dirty Dancing"

guy myself

but I guess it's my way

or the highway.

[laughter]

Can I ask you a favor?

I have to run for one second.

Do you mind watching my seat?

I've been trying to find a seat.

He's working that

old Murray charm.

What do you mean?

He gave them a roofie?

I have to go run real quick.

I have to..

I have to go milk

my grandfather.

[laughs]

Oh, man.

Can I ask you a favor?

I have to run for one second.

Do you mind watching my seat?

He's working that

old Murray charm.

What do you mean?

He gave them a roofie?

I have to go run real quick.

I have to, um..

I have to go milk

my grandfather.

Oh, man. I got to go milk

my grandfather real quick.

He's a cow.

Yeah, he's just a block away.

I'll be right back.

Give me one second.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay!

Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

- Oh, it is?

- Mm-hm.

It doesn't matter,

really, about the seat.

It matters about if she says

back to you where he went.

[laughing]

He went to go

milk his grandfather?

I'm not gonna argue with that.

Could I ask you a favor?

I have to run for a second.

Do you mind just watching

my chair for a second?

Okay, as long as you could,

I-I appreciate it. I have to..

My aunt got her left breast

caught in the pool filter.

My aunt's got her left breast

caught in the pool filter.

So, I got to go check

on her real quick.

The right one's free, but the

left one got sucked right in.

You know how strong those,

those genies are, right?

Just sucks it right in.

Only a block away. So, I just

wanna make sure that she's fine.

I'll be right back. I appreciate

it. I'll be right back.

I wouldn't want to sit around

a pool with a breast

floating around.

- I think I got him.

- Alright. Let's see.

Is this seat taken? Oh, okay,

thanks.

What the hell, man?

- Have a good day, buddy.

- He goes, "Take it."

Excuse me, ladies. Um, could you

save my seat for one second?

- I have to run and..

- Meet my CD guy.

- I got to go meet my "cd" guy.

- To pick up some "Bob Marley."

To pick up some "Bob Marley,"

if you know what I mean.

- But just save this for me?

- A cd guy, huh?

I think they both are whispering

to each other right now.

You just asked her,

"Can you save my seat

so I can buy dr*gs?"

'Sal, it's your goal to talk her

out of that seat.'

Is there any way that I can

borrow that seat?

Oh, you're saving it?

Did he say what it was about?

Finally got a seat.

Waiting for a seat to open.

There's just so many people.

It's all about timing, I guess.

I actually got to run

real quick.

Do you mind watching the seat

for me real quick? Is that cool?

- I just got to, uh..

- I need to rewipe.

Just save the seat.

I'll be right back.

I just got to do a quick rewipe.

- 'Oh, my God!'

- I got to do a rewipe.

- Wasn't a clean break.

- Oh!

Thank you. Appreciate it. Hold..

Just hold it for me. Thank you.

Why am I always pooping

when it comes to you guys?

You need a quick rewipe, bud!

I think he'll let you know.

Let's find out.

Do you mind if I squeeze in?

Is that okay? Thank you so much.

Hey, he just gave it up!

He just gave it up!

I wouldn't want me

to come back, either

'if I had to do a rewipe.'

Nobody was saving

this seat for anybody.

- Oh!

- The rewipe!

So, you were saving a seat

'cause a guy told you

he had to go rewipe?

I'm done with my rewipe, bud.

You're out.

Hey, I'm sorry.

I told you it was gonna be

a quick rewipe.

(male narrator)

Murr lost, but Q takes the seat

as tonight's big loser.

Q thinks he has all the right

moves, but we know he doesn't.

So, we're sending you out,

buddy, in front of thousands

of baseball fans during

the seventh-inning stretch.

You have to entertain all of

them with the help of your

champion break-dancing crew..

- Q's crew.

- Break a leg, buddy.

- No, break a dance.

- Word.

[instrumental music]

(man on speaker)

'Ladies and gentlemen..'

- Wow. Whose crew is that?

- The Q crew!

(man on speaker)

'For your entertainment,

Q's crew!'

I think you see

where this is going, buddy.

I see the empty mat.

[laughter]

Oh, my God,

they're unbelievable!

I can't even do the least of

their moves.

'He's standing sideways! Oh,

my God, the backwards swerve!'

Oh, my God.

You're the leader, buddy.

(man on speaker)

'And now, joining Q's crew'

'the man himself, Q!'

Bust a move, buddy!

[laughter]

[instrumental music]

[cheering]

(man on speaker)

'And now, joining Q's crew'

'the man himself, Q!'

Yeah, bust a move, buddy.

[laughter]

These [bleep] guys.

I'm gonna [bleep] my and

[bleep].

'Oh, my God!'

Holy!

[laughter]

[crowd boos]

[instrumental music]

Oh, my God!

[laughter continues]

- He's pants came down.

- Oh, my God!

(man on speaker)

'And now, the moment you've

been waiting for.'

'It's Q

performing his signature move'

'the dirty ham hock.'

[laughter]

- Dirty ham hock!

- Dirty ham hock!

[crowd boos]

It is the dirty ham hock.

- I hurt my back.

- He wiped out.

- Alright, somebody help me.

- Nailed it!

[laughter]

Nailed it.