- (male narrator) Coming up..
- 'Oh, no!'
(male narrator)
What's got Q about to blow?
'Oh..'
[laughing]
Why is Sal filled with regret?
I think I went too far.
And how will tonight's big
loser be haunted by his past?
[men laughing]
Today, we're working
the register
at Cross Island Fruits
Grocery Store.
But while we're working,
we have to do or say
whatever the other guys
tell us to.
If you refuse any of it,
you lose.
Got ya!
[machine beeping]
- $ . .
- Sal, take out your phone.
[chuckles]
- 'Oh, so annoying!'
- Oh, so annoying.
My dad keeps sexting me
at work.
[men laughing]
My dad keeps sexting me
at work, you know?
[men laughing]
No, I don't.
That's why I'm so confused.
[men laughing]
Thanks, guys.
[laughing]
- Are you open?
- Lane 's not opes.
Uh, I'm not opes. Sorry.
- No?
- No.
- 'Back opes.'
- Back opes.
[men laughing]
- Hey.
- Hey.
- 'Sorry. Not opes.'
- I have to still count this..
I have the drawer, so I'm not
opes right now.
- 'Sorry.'
- It's okay.
- 'Back opes.'
- Back opes.
[men laughing]
- 'Not opes.'
- Yeah..
- 'No, it's not opes.'
- Not opes.
[men laughing]
I'll be opes again soon.
Can you, like,
give me a heads-up?
I would, but just not opes
right now.
I'm sorry. Not opes.
- Back opes.
- Lane opes.
- Lane open.
- Alright, buddy, let her in.
So, you got the avocado.
Sal, keep hitting buttons
on the thing.
[beeping continues]
[men laughing]
- Just the one avocado?
- Yeah.
[chuckles]
[beeping continues]
[Murr laughing]
[men laughing]
Now just duck down.
[men laughing]
Yeah, reach up with one hand
and just keep tapping the keys.
[beeping]
[men laughing]
Pop up, shut the light,
say "Not opes."
[laughing]
[exhales]
[men laughing]
Lane not opes.
[men laughing]
Hi. How are you?
- 'Scan the little girl.'
- Oh.
[men laughing]
Come here. I'm gonna scan you.
[men laughing]
(Murr)
'Oh, my God!'
She's not going through here.
I need a price check
on a two year old.
[laughing]
Hi. How you doing?
These are the Concord grapes.
Joe, the PA is broken,
and you need a price check.
I'm gonna need a price check
on these.
Price check, Concord grapes,
lane !
[beeping]
- Hmm.
- 'Yell for a price check.'
Price check, Bruschettinis!
[men laughing]
You know, the only one that
knows the price, I think
is the manager.
- Oh, yes.
- Wonder what his name is.
You know what manager's on
shift tonight?
- Who's the manager today?
- Larry.
- Larry!
- Larry!
I don't know.
I mean, the manager on duty..
Larry, price check,
Concord grapes, lane !
- I think I'm deaf.
- I'm sorry.
Unfortunately,
the PA system is broken.
Oh, [bleep] damn it.
Larry, bananas, lane !
[men laughing]
I got the Bruschettinis
and the Concord grapes!
[men laughing]
I apologize. He's normally
pretty fast. You heard me.
- I was calling him.
- Just go ahead.
You know when
you want to find somebody
you can't find them?
[bleep] damn it. Asparagus.
Larry, asparagi, lane !
[men laughing]
Multiple asparagus, asparagi!
[laughing]
I've been looking for this guy
for about three years now.
[men laughing]
Butternut squash! Larry!
[men laughing]
Lawrence, I need a [bleep] damn
price check on !
Go out and look for Larry.
Let me just look for him
right quick.
Larry! Larry!
Get him, get him,
get him, get him!
Larry!
[men laughing]
Price check on !
[men laughing]
Larry, I need a price check
on ! There's asparagi!
I'm looking for him.
[men laughing]
Asparagus!
[men laughing]
[sighs]
You know what?
He's off on Thursdays.
[men laughing]
- Found everything you needed?
- Yep.
Great.
Extra virgin olive oil.
Did that virgin oil scan,
Murr?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, you should probably scan
that oil again.
[beeps]
(Joe)
'Uh, I don't know
if it scanned.'
(Q)
'I don't know. Scan it again.'
[beeps]
- Keep scanning it.
- Keep scanning it.
[men laughing]
(Q)
'Scan it again.'
- 'Again.'
- 'It's just not going.'
It's not coming up.
It's not coming up, bro.
[beeping]
- 'Keep scanning it.'
- 'Keep scanning it.'
[beeping continues]
Just trying to get it
to scan right.
It sounds like a heartbeat.
You sound like
you're working in the ER.
This scanner sometimes
gets stuck.
- But why isn't it scanning it?
- It's-it's.. Um, you know..
Sometimes,
we have the-the olive oil.
- Oh, there it is.
- Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, it went through that time.
I got it.
[men laughing]
Okay, your total
is $ . cents.
Those eggs are expensive, huh?
Is it cash or credit, hon?
It's credit, but you're not
getting my card.
[men laughing]
How are you, sir?
Cash or credit?
Hey, you know, Frank
from produce called me
a taint kisser.
[Q laughing]
Um, you know, Frank from produce
called me a...taint kisser.
- 'I was gonna ask you.'
- I was gonna ask you.
Taint. T-A-I-N-T.
(Joe)
'He's looking it up.
He's looking it up.'
[men laughing]
[laughing continues]
And the genitals?
Why would Frank say that?
[laughing]
Ooh, you got a cute front.
[laughing]
Oh, you have a cute front.
- Huh?
- You have a cute front.
- Thanks a lot.
- 'You're welcome.'
[men laughing]
I got a big front.
- 'Cute, though. But cute.'
- But it's cute.
- You wear it well.
- Thank you very much.
[men laughing]
'This guy's awesome.'
First time a guy told me that.
called.
- called.
- What'd they tell you?
They want their
chest hair back.
Oh.
[men laughing]
(Sal)
' called.'
[men laughing]
called.
They want their chest hair back.
Oh.
[men laughing]
It's not so easy.
What'd they tell you?
That's it. They just called.
[laughing]
(Joe)
'Hey, mustache.'
[men laughing]
Hey, mustache. What's up?
What's going on today?
What? Are we getting some eggs?
Oh, that's a polite mustache.
That's a friendly mustache.
- Hey. How you doing, man?
- Good. How are you?
- Good, good.
- Oh [bleep] Barry!
Oh...Barry!
- We go to the same gyno.
- We go..
[men laughing]
We go to the,
uh, same gynecologist.
[men laughing]
Don't I see you there?
- No?
- No.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you were Barry.
[laughing]
- Hi.
- Hey. What's going on?
Nothing.
Q, wink and say, "Say hello
to your father for me."
Say hello to your father
for me.
What?
[men laughing]
Do you know him?
I'm your father's special
friend.
I'm his-I'm his
special friend.
[men laughing]
(Sal)
'Did you see him this morning?'
- Did you see him this morning?
- Yeah.
- 'What was he wearing?'
- What was he wearing?
[men laughing]
- A suit.
- That's so your dad.
[men laughing]
- What do you got? A yam?
- Yeah. My mom forgot it.
If only she wasn't
in the picture.
[laughing]
[groans]
Your, your mom, right?
If only she wasn't
in the picture.
[laughing]
- Hi. Hello.
- Hi.
(Sal)
'Oh, she got a bottle
of diet soda.'
You guys know when you drop
mint into the soda?
Do you know if that works?
I bet you we're gonna
find out.
[laughing]
- 'Q.'
- Mm-hmm.
There is a roll of mints
under the register.
Mm-hmm.
Get them.
[Murr laughing]
Yeah. Open up her bottle
of diet soda.
[men laughing]
Okay.
Do me a favor. Just pop those
mints into the diet soda.
[laughing]
- 'Oh, no!'
- Oh..
[men laughing]
What?
Oh, my God!
[laughing continues]
(Murr)
'Didn't you know
it was gonna happen?'
There's some things that they're
just made for you to say no.
Larry, clean-up, aisle .
[men laughing]
Clean-up aisle .
(male narrator)
Murr couldn't bring
up a win, so he's checking out
the loser board.
We're back in the mall, playing
some sudden-death debate.
We're going head-to-head,
tournament style
getting strangers to settle
our crazy debates.
But the topic of the debate
will be given to us
by the other guys.
We must get someone to agree
with our stance no matter
how ridic it may be.
If they don't agree,
you lose.
You and I are an interesting
combination here.
Two different styles,
my friend.
Totally different styles.
You're like a blunt-force
instrument.
I'm like an object of finesse.
You're a sledgehammer.
I'm a violin.
Sledgehammer's about to hit
you in the face.
[chuckles]
Why don't we ask this guy
and see his opinion?
Can you settle a debate
for us?
- Whatever you say goes.
- Alright.
I think I give a better
impression of an ostrich.
I think..
I think that I give a better
impression of an ostrich.
- An ostrich.
- Yeah.
But, see, I think that
I do the better ostrich
impersonation.
You decide.
Alright, I'll go first,
I guess.
An ostrich.
You tell us who's better.
[both laugh]
That's a flamingo.
Okay, but hold on.
How about this? Ready?
[both laugh]
(Joe)
'Are you going into
convulsions?'
It's the main choreography
from "Thriller."
[both laugh]
[squawks]
Then, occasionally, the..
[squawks]
- You know?
- Can I just say?
Sometimes, simplicity
is the best, though.
What does everybody know about
ostriches?
Thank you.
Dude, he's putting his head
in the bag.
Is that an impression?
Watch this, though.
[both laugh]
This is what we are making
these two guys do
in the middle of a mall.
It sounds like there's
a chicken out here
but that's definitely not
the sound an ostrich makes.
If we didn't tell you what-what
bird we were doing..
[both laugh]
...which one would you know was
an ostrich right off the bat?
[both laugh]
(Joe)
'This is what we are making
these two guys do'
'in the middle of a mall.'
It sounds like there's a
chicken out here
but that's definitely not the
sound an ostrich makes.
If we didn't tell you what bird
we were doing..
...which one would you know was
an ostrich right off the bat?
[squawks]
Definitely me?
Oh, thank you so much.
Hey, Murr, see you later.
(Joe)
'Q for the win.'
We're about to get historical
on their asses.
Excuse me, sir, could you help
settle a bet for us?
We need-we need a third party.
Which amendment
is more important?
Which amendment
is more important?
Joe, you think the th
amendment is more important.
I think it's
the th amendment.
And, Sal, you think
it's the th amendment.
I mean, come on. I think it's
the th amendment, hands down.
There's only amendments.
Well, the th amendment
is the one that-that
to the right to speak
and bear your arms.
[both laugh]
That is the second.
That is the second.
But it's a follow-up to that,
to speak with your arms.
Oh, the th amendment?
The right to bear claws.
The right to bear claws.
Congress got together and
voted to allow bear claws.
Before that, there was no
hunting allowed, 'cause too many
people were getting effed up
by bears.
You wouldn't even be
in this mall.
There'd be bears
all over the place.
Basically, he's looking
to want to hunt bears.
I'm want to be able to speak
with my arms.
I'm from an Italian descent,
so that's what we do a lot.
It is cool, because it gives
me the right to do that to him.
He's got a point.
But you ever make love
on a bear rug?
[both laugh]
But imagine a world where
I can't wave hello to you.
What.. Who the [bleep]
wants to live in that?
[both laugh]
You ever come in contact with
a bear, they say to go, "Aah!"
See, if a bear was attacking,
you, you wouldn't have been able
to do that without my amendment.
You would just be sitting there
getting mauled in the mall.
When a bear comes up to you,
your only defense is gonna be
like, "Listen, can we talk
about this?"
[both laugh]
Who do you think is correct?
Which amendment is more
important?
'cause I can't bear to not have
you say the th amendment.
Thank you so much.
[both groan]
[both laugh]
(Murr)
'Sal wins!'
(Joe)
'Okay, guys, it comes to this.'
'Whoever wins,
wins the whole thing.'
I don't know, buddy. I don't
know what you're talking
about right here.
Well, I just, it's hard
for me to agree with you.
Excuse me. Do you mind helping
us out for one second?
Can you try to settle
a friendly bet?
- We're just trying to decide..
- We're just trying to decide..
- ...who's the worst son.
- ...who's the worst son.
Sal, you think it's you.
I know that I am the worst son.
And, Q, you think you're
the worst son in the world.
I actually think that
I'm a worse son than him.
Okay, hear me out. I...uh..
My favorite part about this
is that Sal and Q pride
themselves on being great sons.
[laughing]
Yeah, they do.
This is hard to do, to
admit you're a bad son
especially when you love
your mother so much.
So, okay, I have voicemails
on my phone from my mother.
I don't answer any of them,
okay?
Because I just don't want to be
bothered.
[both laugh]
My mother got remarried,
and the night of the wedding..
...I hit on her husband.
[both laugh]
Here's the thing. I'm gonna do
an impression of my mother.
- Okay.
- Okay?
Raaah! Raaah! Raaah! Raaah!
[both laugh]
My mother needs to go
to the doctor once a week
and I will not bring her
to the doctor.
Do you take her
to the doctor?
No. See, the thing is my
mother is parked on the parkway
right now with her car
broken down.
I'm here shopping and buying
new sneakers.
Hold on. Check this out.
(Joe)
'What's he up to?
What's he gonna do?'
Hey, ma. What are you doing?
I hate you, you bitch.
- You see what I'm saying?
- What did you do?
You don't do that.
I can't even.. He-he can win.
I got to call her back.
[laughing]
I think I went too far.
Ma, I'm so sorry.
Ma, ma, that was just a joke.
- "Why did you say that to me?"
- I don't know.
I got caught up in the middle of
something and I-I used bad
judgment, mom, and that's not
how you taught me to be.
And I'm really sorry.
I love you.
You can tell my mom
I'm a good son.
He seems like a good son.
Alright. Oh, thank God.
Thanks, ma.
Alright, I love you, you bitch.
[laughing]
- So, I win.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'm the worst son!
(male narrator)
No need for debate here.
Murr is tonight's big loser.
Murr's our loser, and if
there's one thing he loves
it's his computer.
We're here at the
Downtown Conference Center.
So, for your punishment, buddy,
you're going to be teaching
a class on how
to optimize your computer.
It'll appear to the students
that you're in command
but in reality, we are gonna be
controlling your laptop
from behind the scenes.
And there it is.
You'll have to explain
everything that pops up
on your screen.
Good luck, nerd herd.
Hi, everyone.
How are you today?
Great.
So, what I'm going to do
today is teach you some
tips and tricks
on how to optimize your computer
to the best of its ability.
Let me, uh, plug in my computer,
and we will get started.
Okay.
Oops.
[Sal laughing]
'Oh, my God!'
So, what I'm going to do
today is teach you some
tips and tricks on how
to optimize your computer
to the best of its ability.
Let's check out my trash bin.
Oh. Down here is your
recycle bin.
This is where you throw things
away.
Let's take a look
at my recycle bin.
Throw out what you do not need.
'For example..'
"Barely Legal.gif."
So, uh..
...I didn't need it anymore,
I threw it away.
[laughing]
"Gross Baltimore People.jpg."
- Has anyone been to Baltimore?
- I'm from Baltimore.
So you know what
I'm talking about.
[men laughing]
- Alrighty.
- 'Here you go, Murr.'
[ringing]
Oh. Forgive me.
I have a video call coming in.
- Oh.
- Oh, my God!
Hey! Are we gonna do this
or what?
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
[men laughing]
- Oh, my God!
- I'm sorry about that.
Oh, my God!
They were some of my
scuba-diving buddies.
Oh, alright.
We're planning a dive in
about two weeks.
We're heading down to Curacao.
[laughing]
Curacao.
[laughing]
So, let's just move past that.
Now, computers are great
for so many things.
- For instance..
- Such as..
- For instance..
- Journal entries.
- ...journal entries.
- 'Check this out.'
So, look, like in my notes
here..
So, let's go
to my notes section.
Sometimes, you just want to hear
what your journal entry is.
Okay, go up to "Start speaking."
Followed Melanie successfully
again.
She was wearing my favorite pink
sweater.
Looked much cuter than
yesterday.
Sidenote, I may have gotten
poison ivy from hanging out
in the bushes for so long.
Make a doctor appointment.
[men laughing]
Spee..
[students laughing]
Text speech is a very useful
tool.
[laughing]
Okay, so, I like making movies.
Here's my latest.
Just take a look.
Now, this is a very typical
video-editing program.
Let's take a look
at my latest video.
"Sleepy Time my first film."
'Oh, wow.'
Mom, dad.
That's footage from Murray's
parents.
This is a VHS tape that
Murray had in his basement.
Look, look.
[all laughing]
He's happy making love
to a stuffed animal.
[ringing]
Hello?
Guys, uh, not now.
Uh, we'll talk about the diving
later, okay?
We're not diving.
[laughing]
Not now.
Call us.
Just close out of that.
[men laughing]
[applauding]
I'm going to go scuba diving,
if you will excuse me.
[men laughing]
02x27 - Cyber Buddies
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.