02x27 - Cyber Buddies

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Impractical Jokers". Aired: December 15, 2011 –; present.*
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This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
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02x27 - Cyber Buddies

Post by bunniefuu »

- (male narrator) Coming up..

- 'Oh, no!'

(male narrator)

What's got Q about to blow?

'Oh..'

[laughing]

Why is Sal filled with regret?

I think I went too far.

And how will tonight's big

loser be haunted by his past?

[men laughing]

Today, we're working

the register

at Cross Island Fruits

Grocery Store.

But while we're working,

we have to do or say

whatever the other guys

tell us to.

If you refuse any of it,

you lose.

Got ya!

[machine beeping]

- $ . .

- Sal, take out your phone.

[chuckles]

- 'Oh, so annoying!'

- Oh, so annoying.

My dad keeps sexting me

at work.

[men laughing]

My dad keeps sexting me

at work, you know?

[men laughing]

No, I don't.

That's why I'm so confused.

[men laughing]

Thanks, guys.

[laughing]

- Are you open?

- Lane 's not opes.

Uh, I'm not opes. Sorry.

- No?

- No.

- 'Back opes.'

- Back opes.

[men laughing]

- Hey.

- Hey.

- 'Sorry. Not opes.'

- I have to still count this..

I have the drawer, so I'm not

opes right now.

- 'Sorry.'

- It's okay.

- 'Back opes.'

- Back opes.

[men laughing]

- 'Not opes.'

- Yeah..

- 'No, it's not opes.'

- Not opes.

[men laughing]

I'll be opes again soon.

Can you, like,

give me a heads-up?

I would, but just not opes

right now.

I'm sorry. Not opes.

- Back opes.

- Lane opes.

- Lane open.

- Alright, buddy, let her in.

So, you got the avocado.

Sal, keep hitting buttons

on the thing.

[beeping continues]

[men laughing]

- Just the one avocado?

- Yeah.

[chuckles]

[beeping continues]

[Murr laughing]

[men laughing]

Now just duck down.

[men laughing]

Yeah, reach up with one hand

and just keep tapping the keys.

[beeping]

[men laughing]

Pop up, shut the light,

say "Not opes."

[laughing]

[exhales]

[men laughing]

Lane not opes.

[men laughing]

Hi. How are you?

- 'Scan the little girl.'

- Oh.

[men laughing]

Come here. I'm gonna scan you.

[men laughing]

(Murr)

'Oh, my God!'

She's not going through here.

I need a price check

on a two year old.

[laughing]

Hi. How you doing?

These are the Concord grapes.

Joe, the PA is broken,

and you need a price check.

I'm gonna need a price check

on these.

Price check, Concord grapes,

lane !

[beeping]

- Hmm.

- 'Yell for a price check.'

Price check, Bruschettinis!

[men laughing]

You know, the only one that

knows the price, I think

is the manager.

- Oh, yes.

- Wonder what his name is.

You know what manager's on

shift tonight?

- Who's the manager today?

- Larry.

- Larry!

- Larry!

I don't know.

I mean, the manager on duty..

Larry, price check,

Concord grapes, lane !

- I think I'm deaf.

- I'm sorry.

Unfortunately,

the PA system is broken.

Oh, [bleep] damn it.

Larry, bananas, lane !

[men laughing]

I got the Bruschettinis

and the Concord grapes!

[men laughing]

I apologize. He's normally

pretty fast. You heard me.

- I was calling him.

- Just go ahead.

You know when

you want to find somebody

you can't find them?

[bleep] damn it. Asparagus.

Larry, asparagi, lane !

[men laughing]

Multiple asparagus, asparagi!

[laughing]

I've been looking for this guy

for about three years now.

[men laughing]

Butternut squash! Larry!

[men laughing]

Lawrence, I need a [bleep] damn

price check on !

Go out and look for Larry.

Let me just look for him

right quick.

Larry! Larry!

Get him, get him,

get him, get him!

Larry!

[men laughing]

Price check on !

[men laughing]

Larry, I need a price check

on ! There's asparagi!

I'm looking for him.

[men laughing]

Asparagus!

[men laughing]

[sighs]

You know what?

He's off on Thursdays.

[men laughing]

- Found everything you needed?

- Yep.

Great.

Extra virgin olive oil.

Did that virgin oil scan,

Murr?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, you should probably scan

that oil again.

[beeps]

(Joe)

'Uh, I don't know

if it scanned.'

(Q)

'I don't know. Scan it again.'

[beeps]

- Keep scanning it.

- Keep scanning it.

[men laughing]

(Q)

'Scan it again.'

- 'Again.'

- 'It's just not going.'

It's not coming up.

It's not coming up, bro.

[beeping]

- 'Keep scanning it.'

- 'Keep scanning it.'

[beeping continues]

Just trying to get it

to scan right.

It sounds like a heartbeat.

You sound like

you're working in the ER.

This scanner sometimes

gets stuck.

- But why isn't it scanning it?

- It's-it's.. Um, you know..

Sometimes,

we have the-the olive oil.

- Oh, there it is.

- Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Okay, it went through that time.

I got it.

[men laughing]

Okay, your total

is $ . cents.

Those eggs are expensive, huh?

Is it cash or credit, hon?

It's credit, but you're not

getting my card.

[men laughing]

How are you, sir?

Cash or credit?

Hey, you know, Frank

from produce called me

a taint kisser.

[Q laughing]

Um, you know, Frank from produce

called me a...taint kisser.

- 'I was gonna ask you.'

- I was gonna ask you.

Taint. T-A-I-N-T.

(Joe)

'He's looking it up.

He's looking it up.'

[men laughing]

[laughing continues]

And the genitals?

Why would Frank say that?

[laughing]

Ooh, you got a cute front.

[laughing]

Oh, you have a cute front.

- Huh?

- You have a cute front.

- Thanks a lot.

- 'You're welcome.'

[men laughing]

I got a big front.

- 'Cute, though. But cute.'

- But it's cute.

- You wear it well.

- Thank you very much.

[men laughing]

'This guy's awesome.'

First time a guy told me that.

called.

- called.

- What'd they tell you?

They want their

chest hair back.

Oh.

[men laughing]

(Sal)

' called.'

[men laughing]

called.

They want their chest hair back.

Oh.

[men laughing]

It's not so easy.

What'd they tell you?

That's it. They just called.

[laughing]

(Joe)

'Hey, mustache.'

[men laughing]

Hey, mustache. What's up?

What's going on today?

What? Are we getting some eggs?

Oh, that's a polite mustache.

That's a friendly mustache.

- Hey. How you doing, man?

- Good. How are you?

- Good, good.

- Oh [bleep] Barry!

Oh...Barry!

- We go to the same gyno.

- We go..

[men laughing]

We go to the,

uh, same gynecologist.

[men laughing]

Don't I see you there?

- No?

- No.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you were Barry.

[laughing]

- Hi.

- Hey. What's going on?

Nothing.

Q, wink and say, "Say hello

to your father for me."

Say hello to your father

for me.

What?

[men laughing]

Do you know him?

I'm your father's special

friend.

I'm his-I'm his

special friend.

[men laughing]

(Sal)

'Did you see him this morning?'

- Did you see him this morning?

- Yeah.

- 'What was he wearing?'

- What was he wearing?

[men laughing]

- A suit.

- That's so your dad.

[men laughing]

- What do you got? A yam?

- Yeah. My mom forgot it.

If only she wasn't

in the picture.

[laughing]

[groans]

Your, your mom, right?

If only she wasn't

in the picture.

[laughing]

- Hi. Hello.

- Hi.

(Sal)

'Oh, she got a bottle

of diet soda.'

You guys know when you drop

mint into the soda?

Do you know if that works?

I bet you we're gonna

find out.

[laughing]

- 'Q.'

- Mm-hmm.

There is a roll of mints

under the register.

Mm-hmm.

Get them.

[Murr laughing]

Yeah. Open up her bottle

of diet soda.

[men laughing]

Okay.

Do me a favor. Just pop those

mints into the diet soda.

[laughing]

- 'Oh, no!'

- Oh..

[men laughing]

What?

Oh, my God!

[laughing continues]

(Murr)

'Didn't you know

it was gonna happen?'

There's some things that they're

just made for you to say no.

Larry, clean-up, aisle .

[men laughing]

Clean-up aisle .

(male narrator)

Murr couldn't bring

up a win, so he's checking out

the loser board.

We're back in the mall, playing

some sudden-death debate.

We're going head-to-head,

tournament style

getting strangers to settle

our crazy debates.

But the topic of the debate

will be given to us

by the other guys.

We must get someone to agree

with our stance no matter

how ridic it may be.

If they don't agree,

you lose.

You and I are an interesting

combination here.

Two different styles,

my friend.

Totally different styles.

You're like a blunt-force

instrument.

I'm like an object of finesse.

You're a sledgehammer.

I'm a violin.

Sledgehammer's about to hit

you in the face.

[chuckles]

Why don't we ask this guy

and see his opinion?

Can you settle a debate

for us?

- Whatever you say goes.

- Alright.

I think I give a better

impression of an ostrich.

I think..

I think that I give a better

impression of an ostrich.

- An ostrich.

- Yeah.

But, see, I think that

I do the better ostrich

impersonation.

You decide.

Alright, I'll go first,

I guess.

An ostrich.

You tell us who's better.

[both laugh]

That's a flamingo.

Okay, but hold on.

How about this? Ready?

[both laugh]

(Joe)

'Are you going into

convulsions?'

It's the main choreography

from "Thriller."

[both laugh]

[squawks]

Then, occasionally, the..

[squawks]

- You know?

- Can I just say?

Sometimes, simplicity

is the best, though.

What does everybody know about

ostriches?

Thank you.

Dude, he's putting his head

in the bag.

Is that an impression?

Watch this, though.

[both laugh]

This is what we are making

these two guys do

in the middle of a mall.

It sounds like there's

a chicken out here

but that's definitely not

the sound an ostrich makes.

If we didn't tell you what-what

bird we were doing..

[both laugh]

...which one would you know was

an ostrich right off the bat?

[both laugh]

(Joe)

'This is what we are making

these two guys do'

'in the middle of a mall.'

It sounds like there's a

chicken out here

but that's definitely not the

sound an ostrich makes.

If we didn't tell you what bird

we were doing..

...which one would you know was

an ostrich right off the bat?

[squawks]

Definitely me?

Oh, thank you so much.

Hey, Murr, see you later.

(Joe)

'Q for the win.'

We're about to get historical

on their asses.

Excuse me, sir, could you help

settle a bet for us?

We need-we need a third party.

Which amendment

is more important?

Which amendment

is more important?

Joe, you think the th

amendment is more important.

I think it's

the th amendment.

And, Sal, you think

it's the th amendment.

I mean, come on. I think it's

the th amendment, hands down.

There's only amendments.

Well, the th amendment

is the one that-that

to the right to speak

and bear your arms.

[both laugh]

That is the second.

That is the second.

But it's a follow-up to that,

to speak with your arms.

Oh, the th amendment?

The right to bear claws.

The right to bear claws.

Congress got together and

voted to allow bear claws.

Before that, there was no

hunting allowed, 'cause too many

people were getting effed up

by bears.

You wouldn't even be

in this mall.

There'd be bears

all over the place.

Basically, he's looking

to want to hunt bears.

I'm want to be able to speak

with my arms.

I'm from an Italian descent,

so that's what we do a lot.

It is cool, because it gives

me the right to do that to him.

He's got a point.

But you ever make love

on a bear rug?

[both laugh]

But imagine a world where

I can't wave hello to you.

What.. Who the [bleep]

wants to live in that?

[both laugh]

You ever come in contact with

a bear, they say to go, "Aah!"

See, if a bear was attacking,

you, you wouldn't have been able

to do that without my amendment.

You would just be sitting there

getting mauled in the mall.

When a bear comes up to you,

your only defense is gonna be

like, "Listen, can we talk

about this?"

[both laugh]

Who do you think is correct?

Which amendment is more

important?

'cause I can't bear to not have

you say the th amendment.

Thank you so much.

[both groan]

[both laugh]

(Murr)

'Sal wins!'

(Joe)

'Okay, guys, it comes to this.'

'Whoever wins,

wins the whole thing.'

I don't know, buddy. I don't

know what you're talking

about right here.

Well, I just, it's hard

for me to agree with you.

Excuse me. Do you mind helping

us out for one second?

Can you try to settle

a friendly bet?

- We're just trying to decide..

- We're just trying to decide..

- ...who's the worst son.

- ...who's the worst son.

Sal, you think it's you.

I know that I am the worst son.

And, Q, you think you're

the worst son in the world.

I actually think that

I'm a worse son than him.

Okay, hear me out. I...uh..

My favorite part about this

is that Sal and Q pride

themselves on being great sons.

[laughing]

Yeah, they do.

This is hard to do, to

admit you're a bad son

especially when you love

your mother so much.

So, okay, I have voicemails

on my phone from my mother.

I don't answer any of them,

okay?

Because I just don't want to be

bothered.

[both laugh]

My mother got remarried,

and the night of the wedding..

...I hit on her husband.

[both laugh]

Here's the thing. I'm gonna do

an impression of my mother.

- Okay.

- Okay?

Raaah! Raaah! Raaah! Raaah!

[both laugh]

My mother needs to go

to the doctor once a week

and I will not bring her

to the doctor.

Do you take her

to the doctor?

No. See, the thing is my

mother is parked on the parkway

right now with her car

broken down.

I'm here shopping and buying

new sneakers.

Hold on. Check this out.

(Joe)

'What's he up to?

What's he gonna do?'

Hey, ma. What are you doing?

I hate you, you bitch.

- You see what I'm saying?

- What did you do?

You don't do that.

I can't even.. He-he can win.

I got to call her back.

[laughing]

I think I went too far.

Ma, I'm so sorry.

Ma, ma, that was just a joke.

- "Why did you say that to me?"

- I don't know.

I got caught up in the middle of

something and I-I used bad

judgment, mom, and that's not

how you taught me to be.

And I'm really sorry.

I love you.

You can tell my mom

I'm a good son.

He seems like a good son.

Alright. Oh, thank God.

Thanks, ma.

Alright, I love you, you bitch.

[laughing]

- So, I win.

- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm the worst son!

(male narrator)

No need for debate here.

Murr is tonight's big loser.

Murr's our loser, and if

there's one thing he loves

it's his computer.

We're here at the

Downtown Conference Center.

So, for your punishment, buddy,

you're going to be teaching

a class on how

to optimize your computer.

It'll appear to the students

that you're in command

but in reality, we are gonna be

controlling your laptop

from behind the scenes.

And there it is.

You'll have to explain

everything that pops up

on your screen.

Good luck, nerd herd.

Hi, everyone.

How are you today?

Great.

So, what I'm going to do

today is teach you some

tips and tricks

on how to optimize your computer

to the best of its ability.

Let me, uh, plug in my computer,

and we will get started.

Okay.

Oops.

[Sal laughing]

'Oh, my God!'

So, what I'm going to do

today is teach you some

tips and tricks on how

to optimize your computer

to the best of its ability.

Let's check out my trash bin.

Oh. Down here is your

recycle bin.

This is where you throw things

away.

Let's take a look

at my recycle bin.

Throw out what you do not need.

'For example..'

"Barely Legal.gif."

So, uh..

...I didn't need it anymore,

I threw it away.

[laughing]

"Gross Baltimore People.jpg."

- Has anyone been to Baltimore?

- I'm from Baltimore.

So you know what

I'm talking about.

[men laughing]

- Alrighty.

- 'Here you go, Murr.'

[ringing]

Oh. Forgive me.

I have a video call coming in.

- Oh.

- Oh, my God!

Hey! Are we gonna do this

or what?

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

[men laughing]

- Oh, my God!

- I'm sorry about that.

Oh, my God!

They were some of my

scuba-diving buddies.

Oh, alright.

We're planning a dive in

about two weeks.

We're heading down to Curacao.

[laughing]

Curacao.

[laughing]

So, let's just move past that.

Now, computers are great

for so many things.

- For instance..

- Such as..

- For instance..

- Journal entries.

- ...journal entries.

- 'Check this out.'

So, look, like in my notes

here..

So, let's go

to my notes section.

Sometimes, you just want to hear

what your journal entry is.

Okay, go up to "Start speaking."

Followed Melanie successfully

again.

She was wearing my favorite pink

sweater.

Looked much cuter than

yesterday.

Sidenote, I may have gotten

poison ivy from hanging out

in the bushes for so long.

Make a doctor appointment.

[men laughing]

Spee..

[students laughing]

Text speech is a very useful

tool.

[laughing]

Okay, so, I like making movies.

Here's my latest.

Just take a look.

Now, this is a very typical

video-editing program.

Let's take a look

at my latest video.

"Sleepy Time my first film."

'Oh, wow.'

Mom, dad.

That's footage from Murray's

parents.

This is a VHS tape that

Murray had in his basement.

Look, look.

[all laughing]

He's happy making love

to a stuffed animal.

[ringing]

Hello?

Guys, uh, not now.

Uh, we'll talk about the diving

later, okay?

We're not diving.

[laughing]

Not now.

Call us.

Just close out of that.

[men laughing]

[applauding]

I'm going to go scuba diving,

if you will excuse me.

[men laughing]
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