02x24 - Dog Days of Bummer

[bunniefuu]

(male narrator)

Coming up..

Why is Joe going down under?

Whoa!

(male narrator)

How will Sal talk

his way out of this?

Who threw the chicken at me?

I want the guy right now.

(male narrator)

And which joker will be the butt

of tonight's punishment?

[laughter]

Today, we're teaming up in the

mall with one goal in mind

to dip our fries into

other people's food

without permission.

Each team will take turns

wandering the food court

both distracting and dipping.

The team with

the fewest dips loses.

What's that?

Like I don't know

that you're gonna dip..

[laughing]

Oh, my God!

One.

You guys ready?

- 'Where'd they go?'

- 'Are they even out there?'

Where are you guys?

'Look at these two.'

(Q)

'Oh, my god.'

You look like two muppets.

'Wait, how'd he get

a big tray of food?'

Hello?

If you go to Cajun Grill,

I'm right by the side.

I'm.. Oh, son of a [bleep]

He's got extra props.

I'm sorry. Hold on.

I'm losing my tray.

I'm losing a whole tray

of food.

I'm right by the Sabarro.

In front.

I'm sorry.

I'm dropping everything.

This is crazy.

I'm so sorry.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

she didn't see it!

- Whoa!

- She didn't see it!

- 'That was like a ghost hand!'

- 'Whoa!'

- That was a high production.

- Wow!

I'm not gonna lie to you, we

put some work in on that one.

- Yeah!

- Wow!

Godspeed, Joe.

Are you guys using this chair?

Oh, you are using it?

Okay.

Are you guys using this chair?

Thank you.

- 'But what are you doing?'

- Is that the distraction?

Scratching your ass until

someone notices?

Murray's just watching with

a stupid look on his face.

'He's not doing anything.'

- Oh, my god!

- He got blocked.

Don't tell Joe.

'He's just gonna stand there

scratching his ass'

'for no reason.'

He doesn't know that

Murray got blocked!

What's that, bud?

Okay.

[laughing]

You don't tell me where

I can scratch my ass [bleep]

this is America .

[both laughing]

- What are you doing?

- I got blocked.

You could have told me.

I'm scratching my ass

in the middle

of the food court, you doof.

Yeah, I'll wait over here,

I found..

there's a table right over here.

[sneezing]

Allergies, allergies, allergies.

Whoa!

- Turn around.

- I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[ding]

Oh, my God. I'm like..

[both laughing]

[ding]

(both)

Whoa! He got caught!

[buzzer]

(Sal)

'What are you doing?'

- 'Oh, my God!'

- 'You dope!'

(Q)

'Oh, my God!'

I thought that

was seamless, boys.

[ding]

Me and Q are food-court

kind of guys.

Murray and I are more

fine-dining guys.

You're not fine-dining,

my friends.

What's going on with the hair

today, bud?

- What is that?

- It's like a tidal wave.

It looks like a wave

about to crest.

Switch it up a little bit.

I can do stuff with my hair.

Excuse me.

Where did you get,

like is this over here

where you ordered?

It's over here?

Which one?

Here he goes!

- Go! Go! Go!

- It's the Cajun Grill?

He did it!

Oh, man. Thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

- He's like lightning.

- Wow!

It's a blur.

'That man has no idea

he's been dipped.'

Nice one, buddy.

Sal, that's the first time

I've ever seen you run

we've been friends years.

Gentlemen, I present,

the super long fry.

A little arts-and-crafts hour?

We came to win, y'alls.

Alright, man. Let's see how

the extender treats them.

Is it okay? Thanks.

See my..

Do you like that phone?

I have this new phone.

It's so much bigger.

Do you see this, like,

"distraction, noun.

A thing that prevents someone

from giving full attention

to something else.

A diversion or recreation."

That's the definition

of a distraction.

So..

[both laugh]

(Murr)

'Come on.'

Hold on.

Let me look up "caught."

[both laugh]

You know what? Excuse me.

I'm playing hide-and-go-seek

with my niece.

Do you see a girl with pigtails

coming right here?

[ding]

- Oh!

- That was good dip!

'That's a good dip.'

What's going on?

Are we playing fun games here?

- She's looking for me.

- She's what?

She's looking for me. I don't

want her to see me, so..

Oh, and she caught you.

She caught you.

No, she didn't. She didn't.

Caught! She literally yelled

at you, "I saw you."

Like, that's the worst way

to get caught ever.

- Guys?

- 'Yep?'

I have a secret w*apon.

You have a secret w*apon? Okay.

A little something something

for the distraction.

(Murr)

'Oh, yeah?'

Sal's real excited

for this challenge.

'Oh, she's looking.'

Is this guy for real?

Is this guy for real walking

around like that?

That is so bizarre.

What is he doing?

You see that, right?

I see it.

(Joe)

'Oh, my god!'

'She clearly saw you

dip it in her plate.'

- She didn't say anything.

- She didn't say anything.

- 'Counts.'

- 'Counts.'

That's how you do it, guys.

(Joe)

'You packaged

that win together.'

[ding]

(male narrator)

Looks like Joe

and Murr are taking

a dip on the loser board.

Today, we're at the Jersey Shore

working at Jimbo's Restaurant.

We'll be behind the counter

taking orders

and serving up food.

And the whole time

we got to do

and say what the other guys

tell us.

And if you refuse any of it,

you lose.

Switch!

(Joe)

'There's something about

when you come down'

to the Jersey Shore to just eat

like an absolute animal.

You think?

That is way too big.

You look like an extra

from "Scarface."

(Joe)

'Alright, here we go.'

So a Cajun chicken platter.

Underneath the counter there,

there's a foot-long hot dog.

- Of course.

- 'Just grab it and use it.'

- Yeah, what's it, an orchestra.

- A maestro. A maestro. Yeah.

Is it together or separate?

- 'There it is.'

- 'There it is.'

It's one chicken fingers platter

one Cajun chicken platter..

And they both come

with a free soft drink.

I can put it on this card.

This is your discover

right here?

Don't do that.

And then a lemonade,

and what can I get you?

What is that?

They make me hold it.

Why do they make him hold

a raw foot-long hot dog?

It's neither here nor there.

So you just want to sign?

Sal, as she's signing

keep tapping the paper

with the hot dog.

Sal, throw a chicken finger

right behind this guy.

- Oh, my God.

- Oh [bleep] guys. Come on.

(Murr)

'Oh, my God..'

[laughter]

(Joe)

'He must have felt it.'

He's checking to see if

a bird [bleep] on his hat.

I'm not, I don't think,

I don't think that's funny.

(Joe)

'Here he comes.'

Stand up!

Stand up or you lose.

Stand up or you lose.

Sal, throw a chicken finger

right behind this guy.

'Oh, my god.'

'Oh, my..'

[laughter]

'Here he comes.'

Stand up!

Stand up or you lose.

Stand up or you lose.

(Murr)

'He's coming in looking.'

Were you the one who

ordered the chicken fingers?

Oh [bleep] me.

Were you the one that ordered

the chicken fingers?

I didn't order anything,

I was walking down the boardwalk

and chicken came flying

across like this

and hit me in the head.

Are you telling me

that a chicken finger

came flying by and hit you?

Smacked off the building here

and hit me in the head.

Yeah, I know, I threw it.

[laughter]

Who threw the chicken at me?

I want the guy right now.

I'll be on the lookout.

[buzzer]

Hey, what's up, guys?

What can I do for you?

Chicken fingers?

- Yep.

- Okay, cool.

And then what for you? Anything?

Just that? Cool.

You gonna sit and eat,

or you gonna..

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

If you guys want to pop that

shirt off, we allow that.

Yeah, and if you want

to pop that shirt off

that's okay in here.

You know, sun's out, g*ns out.

- Sprite.

- A sprite? Yeah. You got it.

You got that?

if you guys want to pop those

shirts off, we allow it.

If he wants to pop

that shirt off..

(Sal)

'We're okay with it.'

'You want to pop

that shirt off?'

You want to pop that shirt off?

Idiots.

(Q)

'Here we go. Here we go.'

You want to pop that shirt

off, we're okay with it here.

...Italian sausage platter.

Um, and just so you know, if you

want to pop your shirt off

we're cool with that in here.

- Okay. Great.

- It's all good.

So, do you want to?

French fries and a pickle.

So, where do we stand

on the shirtsky?

- Yeah. No.

- On the pop? No on the popsky.

Great. So then that'll just be

$ . . There we go.

(Murr)

'Okay, now go back to those

two guys in the booth.'

You got their chicken

fingers, buddy?

They got some fresh fries

coming out in a second

so I just brought

these over first.

Now don't leave the table.

Just linger.

'Let it linger.'

(Sal)

'Stare at them from afar.

Stare at them from afar.'

Inch closer.

Start inching closer.

'Inch. Inch. Inch.'

It's full service. Yeah.

Nothing is worse than

the lingering waiter.

'The kid he's looking at..'

Yeah.

Joe, walk away.

Walk away. No problem.

Alright. Sorry, bud.

Keep walking back and forth,

and stare at them.

This guy's [bleep] crazy.

[ding]

(Sal)

'Q, stare off

into the distance.'

You look crazy.

What's going on?

(Sal)

'Alright, Q,

stare for a second.'

'Okay, now apologize.'

Sorry. Sorry.

- Darrell from the kitchen

- Darrell from the kitchen

showed me his junk earlier.

Oh.

No one's saying that.

Nobody would say that.

No.

(Joe)

'Murr, before you go over

to serve them their fries'

'there's a bag of sand right

under the register.'

Grab it,

and put it in your pants.

That's hardly the weirdest thing

that's been in Murray's crotch.

- 'Here we go.'

- 'Drop the fries off, bud.'

- Okay, there's some fries.

- Thank you.

Enjoy the fries.

Turn around, stop there and

shake the sand off the pants.

Dump the bag down your pants.

- 'Alright, now go.'

- 'Shake. Shake your leg.'

'Shake your legs'

This sand is everywhere.

I can't.. I've been trying

to get the sand out.

(Joe)

'He's baffled how much sand

fits up there.'

Shake it all the way.

There's tons.

Just trying to get it out.

(Sal)

'Where is all

that sand coming from?'

'There's a rock in there!'

That's much better now.

I had a rock in there. Geez.

How's it going?

How can I help you out?

Can I get an order

of the baby-back ribs?

Baby-back ribs. Good choice.

Let me ask you something.

You like pickles?

- Do you like pickles?

- I do.

- 'Hand him a pickle.'

- Try that.

We just got this brand.

Keep handing this guy

pickles.

- Barbecue sauce on that, or..

- Yes, please.

Okay.

Any assortment

of barbecue sauce?

Keep handing him pickles.

- Lemonade, I guess.

- A lemonade? Okay.

Small, medium, large?

- Keep handing him pickles.

- Full pickle ahead.

Chicken fingers

and French fries.

An order of the kids' chicken

fingers and the French fries.

(Sal)

'Fistful of pickles.'

Ketchup?

Ketchup with that? Okay.

Look at the pickle juice.

Uh, baby-back ribs, $ . .

Fistful of pickles is $ .

- A fistful of pickles is $ .

- What?

I'd like to know how many more

pickles I can hold, then.

So it's $ .

Pickle on the money.

Put the pickle on the money.

Hey.

Do you need a hand, or are

you in a bit of a pickle?

(male narrator)

Sal and Q just

served themselves a loss

so the guys are now tied

on the loser board.

Coming up, which joker

will end up in the dog house?

We're in the park, looking

for somebody named Beth.

That's all you got to do is

find someone named Beth.

Any Beth will do.

If you can't find Larry,

you lose.

- Beth.

- Beth. Beth!

(male narrator)

It's Q and Joe in

the Joker vs. Joker challenge.

I've had no luck

finding a Larry.

Larry! Larry!

Larry! Larry!

- Let's see how Beth works out.

- 'Alright.'

Beth!

Beth, I was looking for you!

Joe, who do you really want

to call out for?

Larry! Beth!

Wait. Wait. Wait a minute!

Why would you pick a guy?

Watch and learn.

You want to lose this

challenge.

"Watch and learn."

Is that an iphone

you got, bud?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, I just got the iphone.

Do you know how to sort

the contacts in your phone?

Like, so if I'm

looking for a Beth

Is it?

What the hell's going

on out there?

Are your contacts sorted

by first name?

Wow, I admire this approach.

I admire this approach.

Let's say you want

to go to Beth.

Do you have a Beth in there?

Oh, there's a Beth right there.

- It's calling Beth?

- Yeah.

- Gotcha.

- You got to talk to her.

- We have to hear her voice.

- Who is it?

It's Beth.

Yeah, it's ringing. So that's

all, you hit the button.

I know. I need to talk to them.

There he goes.

She didn't answer.

That's unfortunate.

Yeah.

Oh, so close.

- Wow! Clever!

- Smart approach.

That's a long way to go

for a thumbs down.

(Joe)

'Q, I can't find you

in the park.'

There's just way too many

homeless people around.

- Well, which one's you?

- Right.

[laughter]

Is your name Beth?

You're not Beth?

Are you Beth?

You guys are k*lling me.

It's your first attempt.

Excuse me. Is your name Beth?

Ah, you're k*lling me.

Pink hat, is your name Beth?

Not Beth?

Yeah, you're k*lling me.

- k*lling me.

- What are you doing?

Is your name Beth? Beth?

- No.

- Ah, you're k*lling me.

Can I get a bite

of that sandwich?

(Murr)

'She gave a bite

of the sandwich.'

'He just took a bite

of her sandwich.'

Hey, is your name Beth?

Or Elizabeth?

- Yeah, it is.

- Your name's Beth?!

Holy [bleep]

her name is Beth!

Your name's Beth!

get out of here!

I got a Beth!

How'd he find a Beth?

Lovely meeting you.

Lovely meeting you.

Lovely! You, Beth,

are not k*lling me.

[ding]

(male narrator)

The only thing Joe

found was a loss

making him tonight's big loser.

- Here's a fact, Joe lost!

- Yeah!

Here's another fact, Joe

has an extremely effeminate dog

named Cannoli!

Yeah, albeit cute,

Cannoli is a girly dog.

Joe, for your punishment,

you have to take your dog

for a walk.

Alright, and the catch?

And the catch is, since

you're such a cute couple

we've picked out

an interesting ensemble

for the two of you

to wear while you stroll.

Yes, and you cannot stop

until someone tells you

that you're cuter than

the cutest dog in the world.

Much like Cannoli, this

punishment licks balls.

(Sal)

'We are on wall street

at : p.m.'

Every single mover and shaker

is walking around

in their $ , suits

and Joe is gonna humiliate

himself for their pleasure.

Alright, here he comes.

[laughter]

Alright, here he comes.

Oh, my God.

I ain't gonna lie, boys,

this one stinks.

See, he's got wings.

Cannoli, let's go get people

to say that I'm cuter than you.

Cute dog, no?

You think even cannoli right now

is like, "oh, my God"?

Cannoli's embarrassed.

It's a cute puppy, right?

You like my outfit?

- Who's, uh

- Who's cuter?

Who's cuter, though?

Who's cuter?

The dog's cuter. Of course.

Thank you, buddy.

Enjoy your stocks and bonds.

- Joe.

- Yeah?

You be embarrassed?

Is that a cute puppy?

You like my outfit?

Who do you think's cuter,

me or the puppy?

The puppy.

That's it, buddy. Sorry!

Oh, man,

this isn't working out.

So how 'bout maybe

another outfit?

Yeah! the bee's not working.

We'll change ya.

'You want to change?'

A costume change?

What am I? Madonna?

Buzz off and change

into the new outfit

and we'll see if you

have any more luck.

I [bleep] hate you.

(Sal)

'Don't lose. Don't lose.'

There you go.

Turn around. Turn around.

Turn around.

[laughter]

- I'm gonna pass out.

- Oh, my God.

'Oh, my God!'

Your bare ass

is on wall street.

Appreciate the

air-conditioning, guys.

You like the cowgirl?

Who's cuter,

the cowboy or the cowgirl?

Cowgirl?

The cowgirl takes it, man?

Cowgirl! Cowgirl all day.

'How does it feel out there,

bonanza?'

Ready for another outfit?

Yippee-ki-yay, mother[bleep]

Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!

(Murr)

'Such a pretty bride.'

- 'Wow!'

- 'Joe!'

(Sal)

'Oh, my God.'

I can't believe

he fit in the shoes.

- Oh, my God, Joe.

- 'Oh, my god.'

This is the best. This is my

favorite thing ever right now.

I'm a doggone lucky guy.

How are you even able to pun?

How does the dress look?

Do you think

the puppy looks cute?

The groom.

(all)

Oh!

I do.

Oh, there you go!

That's what I'm talking about!

This is the happiest bride ever.

I won. Yay. I won.

It's over!

You son of a bitch.

If I didn't have heels on.

If I didn't have heels on.

[laughter]

This is it.

Yeah, laugh it up!

Laugh it up, ham hocks!