02x23 - Enter the Dragons

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Impractical Jokers". Aired: December 15, 2011 –; present.*
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This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
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02x23 - Enter the Dragons

Post by bunniefuu »

(male narrator)

Coming up, why is Joe

going nowhere fast?

Come here, you son of a bitch.

(male narrator)

What's making Sal so scary?

- Holy [bleep]

- I'm sorry.

♪ Ready to rock you

ready to rock you ♪♪

(male narrator)

What happens when tonight's big

losers open for the rock band

Imagine Dragons in front

of a crowd of , ?

[instrumental music]

Today we're at the mall,

about to take an unusual

escalator ride with

fellow shoppers.

As we approach the escalator,

we'll be given tasks

that we must accomplish

before we reach the top.

If you cannot complete

one of your tasks

before the end

of your ride, you lose.

Things are gonna

escalate real quick!

- Ohh!

- No, he didn't!

Hey, Sal, this

is a super easy one.

(Joe)

'You just got to get someone'

to tell them the last

time they made.

- The last time they made?

- Last time they made.

- Made what?

- Whatever they made.

(Joe)

'Oh, comin' up, white shirt,

white shirt, comin' up.'

Oh, this is gonna be tough.

- 'Oh, she's doing the walk.'

- 'Catch her, catch her.'

When's the last

time you-I'm sorry!

What the hell?

She just screamed, aah!

- You terrified her.

- She scared me.

Your goal is to hug someone

for the entire ride up,

here he goes.

You know, I just want

to say, you're awesome, man.

I know, it's already

too late.

Yeah, from the top

to the bottom, come on.

I was supposed to go for

the whole length of the thing

so you want to hug me

on the way down?

Too much now.

If he does, we'll give

it to you.

- I can't believe this.

- This is crazy.

You're a great guy,

man, you know.

We need more hugs, less thugs,

you know what I'm saying?

- More hugs, less thugs?

- You going back up?

Alright, let's do it, come on.

Come here, what are you

doing? Come on, get in here.

Come on!

What do you got?

I'm ready to do anything.

On the way up,

call someone's mom.

- Call someone's mom?

- Call someone's mom.

That's it? That's easy.

- Here we go, here we go.

- Okay, bye.

Oh, are you going up?

Oh, yeah.

Do you mind if I-you know what?

You are a gentleman, thank you

for letting me go first.

I want to call your mom and tell

her she raised you right.

Oh, that's your mom right there.

What's your phone number,

real quick.

I'm gonna call you and tell

you you raised a good son.

What's that number? Oh!

What are the odds that

that's your mom right there?

Son of a..

- Murr, here's a clue.

- Yeah.

Don't get on the escalator

with a family.

I'm gonna keep going until

I call someone's mom.

Okay, and if you don't, we're

gonna give you a thumbs-down.

Take out your damn phone, and

let's call your mom together.

I'm a man at the end of my rope.

and if you don't call your

mom to say you love her

you're not getting

on this escalator.

Your moms need to know

that you love them.

Call your mom, nobody else

is getting pa..

Okay, you guys-just three

of you, but no one--

Call your mom and tell

her you love her.

Really? Oh.

- Can you call your mom?

- I can't, my hands are full.

You just got to give up at this

point, we got to move on.

(Q)

'This is your last chance,

buddy.'

You rather have someone

sniff your armpit?

- How about that, tough guy?

- Oh, wow.

There he goes.

Can I ask you guys a question?

I was about to buy two

different colognes there

and they sprayed it, and I don't

know which one I like better.

'Can you tell me which

one you like better?'

Okay, so, here's the first one..

...and here's the second one.

What do you think?

(Sal)

'He doesn't get her

to smell an armpit.'

He gets her to smell

both armpits.

(Q)

'Wow!'

Alright, guys,

what do I got to do?

- Get someone's belt off.

- Holy crap.

Just step on the escalator,

there you go.

Oh, guys! Guys! My pants

are falling down!

Any one of you guys got a belt

I could borrow real quick?

Guys, you got a belt

I could borrow?

You got a belt I could borrow?!

Who's got a belt?! Who's got

a belt?! Come on! Come on!

Come on with the belt!

Come on! Come on! Hurry!

Hurry! Come here!

Come here! Aah!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

- 'Josephine.'

- Sí.

You're gonna have to do

a mutual face caress.

You have to caress

someone's face

while they're caressing yours.

Do it to me, like..

- Oh, okay. So, like a pet?

- Yeah.

(Q)

'Oh, he's going.'

Just doing a..

I just-I just saw

a girl earlier

and she, like, really pulled

at my heart strings

and made me think of, like, that

face caress moment, you know?

You know what I'm talking

about, like, you know

you look into their eyes,

give me a little face caress.

Go ahead, do it, do it, no?

Come on, do it.

Oh [bleep] this noise.

what are you doing?!

Somebody's got to come up

sooner or later.

What you've just done is put

yourself on a stairmaster

my friend, and I'm not

betting on you

lasting that long

so go right ahead.

Does no one take the escalator?

Sorry, I dropped my thing,

how's the popcorn?

- Very good.

- Good, yeah, face caress or no?

Not into it? Thanks, man,

hey, bud, sorry, excuse me.

Ladies, real quick-a face

caress?

I need somebody to jump

on board with me, like, uh..

Go ahead, do it,

you want to do it?

No? No? Okay, well, that's,

you got your prerogative.

what's your deal?

Face caress or no?

[bleep] damn it.

- Get this guy's backpack.

- Give me your [bleep] backpack.

- Try caress again.

- Guys, I'm gonna die.

- 'This is the end.'

- This is the end of Joe Gatto.

What's up, man?

You've caressed faces much?

No? You put your hand on my

face, I put my hand on yours.

Come here, you son of a bitch.

Well, there's a time when

a man's got to admit

that it's over.

[instrumental music]

(male narrator)

Joe couldn't step it up

so he's taking a ride

on the loser board.

Today, we're whispering sweet

nothings into shoppers' ears.

And by sweet nothings, we mean

whatever the other guys tell us.

The goal is to get the person

to whisper back to you.

If they don't whisper

back, you lose.

(Joe)

'Sal's so insecure, watch this.'

- Sal, fix your shirt, man.

- Okay, what part?

The bottom there.

'Yep, the front,

the front, yep.'

The button, the button on

the bottom is [bleep] up.

(Joe)

'Yeah, yeah, is that

bottom button done?'

- No.

- 'Oh, okay.'

- That's why he's blousing.

- Yeah, it's blousing.

- Bl-wha..

- Your shirt looks fine.

- Oh, alright.

- It's the hair that's not..

What's wrong with the hair?

(Joe)

'The girl in front of you.'

Whole grain bread?

You dirty dog.

Whole grain bread?

You dirty dog.

Right? The whole grain bread?

Well, it has walnuts and..

She's on the verge

of whispering.

It's absolutely

delicious, right?

Usually, I'm here with my wife.

I don't like her to know I'm

getting the whole grain bread,

so I have to say to them, "I'll

take the whole grain bread."

You have to sneak it

from anybody?

- No.

- Alright, take care.

You were on the verge

of whisper.

Here, here, this guy

right in front of you.

Let's get real about Linda.

- Let's get real about--

- Oh, my God!

(Murr)

'Here, here, this guy right

in front of you.'

Let's get real about Linda.

- Let's get real about--

- Oh, my God!

Sorry I startled you.

Adios, amigo.

(Joe)

'The guy in front of you.'

Yo, you heard Johnboy bit it?

- Yo, you heard Johnboy bit it?

- Holy [bleep]

- I'm sorry.

- You scared the sh*t out of me.

(Q)

'Whoa! Sal is scaring

everybody out there.'

That's how Johnboy bit it

he got a heart att*ck

when somebody whispered

behind him.

I did the exact opposite

of the goal.

(Sal)

'This guy in red, buddy.'

Gary never gave me back

my hedge clippers.

Gary never gave me back

my hedge clippers.

- Yeah?

- Gary never returned them.

- Do we know each other?

- You know Gary?

No, I think you got me

confused with somebody else

though we can keep playing

around if it makes you happy.

Gary never gave them back to me.

Okay, give him a call,

text him.

Everybody's saying

to give him a call.

Thank you, buddy.

- Full volume, full volume.

- Not even a hint of whisper.

Joe, I'm gonna try something

a little different.

Whoever you go up to,

did you fart? Here we go.

Why fart? Why?

(Sal)

'Peach shirt, peach shirt.'

It's her husband right

next to her.

- Did you fart?

- Excuse me?

Did you fart?

- Did I fart? Are you serious?

- Yeah.

- No, you didn't?

- No.

Okay, 'cause I thought

I heard and smelled one.

- Okay.

- Okay, just curious.

I think I know how not to get

the police called on me today.

Oh, really? You got an idea?

I wore my nice black shoes

and a salmon shirt.

Why are you calling

it salmon, too?

It's pink.

Is this not the color

of a salmon?

It is, actually, yeah.

I stand corrected.

- Guy with the crutches.

- He can't get away.

Buy the ticket, take the ride.

Buy the ticket, take the ride.

Buy the ticket, take the ride.

He's got to whisper.

All you got to do is buy

that ticket, my friend.

It's such a fun ride,

you're gonna love

this ride so much, man.

Why do I feel Murray's had

this exact conversation

many times before in his life?

You sure? You sure?

- Full volume, full volume.

- Not even a wisp of a whisper.

(Joe)

'This guy here in the stripes.'

Wanna finger paint?

Do you want to finger paint?

Excuse me? Can you back up, son?

You're a little bit too close.

(Q)

'She's pulling her son away!'

The mother bird

instinct kicked in!

Well, you got her to whisper,

she's whispering,

"Call the cops."

- Okay.

- What was that? What a weirdo!

(Joe)

'Q, just turn straight, okay.'

Now, if you turned around

and that was whispering

in your ear..

...I would definitely mace it.

(Murr)

'Big tall guy behind him?

Yeah, go get him, buddy.'

- Pull my waffle.

- Get right in his ear, man.

- Do it!

- Pull my waffle.

- Huh?

- Pull my waffle.

Yeah?

Oh, uh, we're just, uh,

in the middle of something.

Just gonna, pull-pull..

(Murr)

'This is what your life

has come to.'

You are a crushed man standing

alone in a supermarket.

- 'The girl in front of you.'

- Chauncey says, "What's up".

Chauncey says, "What's up."

He's an around-the-way guy,

he said to say what's up.

Tell him I said,

"hey, what's up? "

It's just that Chauncey's

very soft-spoken.

You know what I'm saying?

I will tell Chauncey

you said, "What's up."

- No way!

- Unbelievable!

(Murr)

'Stop doing the damn strut!'

(male narrator)

Sal, Joe, and Murr

can whisper sweet nothings

to each other

on the loser board.

Coming up, can tonight's

big losers

face the crowd as opening

act for Imagine Dragons?

Today, we're at the Essex

County turtle back zoo

conducting customer

satisfaction surveys.

But all of our questions have

been written by the other guys.

If you can't ask all the

questions on the clipboard.

- You lose.

- I'm gonna keep this cat.

That's a penguin.

(male narrator)

It's a joker versus joker

challenge.

- Did you enjoy the zoo today?

- Yes.

Would you mind if I asked

you a quick question?

"What was your favorite

exhibit that you

"visited today at the zoo?"

- Um, the birds. Yes.

- The birds? Okay.

"And is it a shame

all these animals

"will eventually become

crackers?" I mean..

They live their whole

lives out here.

They're gorgeous animals,

some from all different lands.

Eventually, they're gonna

become crackers.

Is that a shame? Do you agree?

Put in a box and shipped off

and some kid smacks them

around on a high chair,

gets them stuck to his lip.

- It's a shame yes, yes I agree.

- Yes.

- 'I hope you have a great day.'

- Thank you.

Yeah, that's exactly how animal

crackers are made you idiot.

Let me ask you a question,

okay.

Darlene in the ticket booth,

did she give you the 'tude

that she's famous for?

Did she do a lot of

the huffin' and the puffin'?

No, I didn't talk to her.

Can I ask you a quick question

on behalf of the zoo?

"Uh, you caught that

elephant dong?"

Did-I did what?

Did I caught it?

- You caught that elephant dong?

- I passed on that.

Oh, very good.

Okay, and last question..

I would never ask you

in a million years.

So, we are done here,

sir, alright.

Just that easy, huh?

Yes, I know this is a zoo,

but I'm not an animal.

Joe, what animals do you

think you're a combination of?

Like an orangutan had

sex with a toucan.

You mind taking a quick survey?

Give you a couple questions?

Did you visit the food pavilion?

Did you get some snackies?

- No, I didn't.

- Okay.

- Um..

- 'Here we go.'

"Did Yolanda in

the pheasant department

"hound you about her

pyramid scheme?"

- No.

- She didn't?

You didn't get approached

about that?

- Have a great day, thank you.

- Yolanda.

Uh, um, how m-oh.

Um..

"Um, out of all the animals

in the immediate area

"who would you most

like to dry-hump?"

Oh, my God!

- Seriously?

- Yeah, it's right there.

That's what they write

for me on these

and I just have

to make sure, you know.

- None!

- None-ski.

(male narrator)

Opposable thumbs down for Sal,

so he's tied with

Joe as tonight's big loser.

[instrumental music]

Joe and Sal lost!

So, for their punishment,

they're the opening act

for the Imagine Dragons concert!

Right here, you're opening

for them!

(Q)

'At Jones beach in front

of , people!'

They don't know their band name.

They don't know the names

of the songs they have to sing

until we give it to them.

We don't even know

how to play instruments!

(Q)

'Oh, that's right and we

dressed you like this'

'so you're gonna have

a great show!'

Is that a leotard?

What is that?

- Alright, get out there!

- Hit the stage!

I can't even watch this,

I feel sick.

(Q)

'Ladies and gentlemen,

get on your feet.'

'Brace yourselves

for the greatest live band'

'you've never seen.'

(Murr)

'Are you ready for..'

...Señor Alanza!

- 'Señor Alanza, get out there.'

- Señor Alanza.

That's our Spanish

teacher in high school.

- Get out there, Señor Alanza!

- 'Señor Alanza!'

- I'm so nervous for them.

- Where do I go?

(Sal)

'Where do I go?'

- Look at Joe!

- There's so many drums.

Oh, [bleep] me, man, no way.

(Murr)

'Are you ready for..'

...Señor Alanza!

- Get out there, Señor Alanza!

- 'Señor Alanza!'

- I'm so nervous for them.

- 'Look at Joe!'

There's so many drums.

Hey, everybody, how you doing?

Alright, very cool, we are

very happy to be here.

Opening for Imagination Dragon.

Opening for the Imagination

Dragons.

[audience booing]

The Imagination Dragons? I got

it wrong, Imagine Dragons.

Uh, alright.

I put in your pants pocket

a dedication for the set.

- Open it up and read it.

- Before we start, guys.

I just wrote a very, very

special dedication.

'And I hope you guys

appreciate it.'

The dedication goes like this,

"Guys, we'd like to dedicate

"this set to the people, oh."

"To the people of Pittsburgh."

We're in Long island!

"They were the best audience

we ever played for.

"We can already tell you guys

aren't gonna be nearly as good."

(Murr)

'You're no-you're no

Pittsburgh.'

- You're no Pittsburgh.

- That's right.

(Murr)

'We're gonna play a few songs

from our upcoming album.'

We're gonna play a few songs

from our upcoming album.

We're gonna play 'Look, mommy,

I'm a rock star .'

Oh, boy, alright.

This is-this is one

of our favorites.

[guitar music]

Oh, my!

♪ When I was a boy ♪

♪ I was real young ♪

♪ I was lookin' bad

and I said son of a g*n ♪

♪ I said look mommy

I'm a rock star ♪

♪ I said look mommy

I'm a rock star ♪♪

Let me ask you something how

badly does he suck out there?

It's probably it's worse

than I imagined.

It's worse than

I imagination dragoned.

♪ I said look mommy

I'm a rock star ♪♪

(Sal)

'Let's go!'

[audience booing]

Alright, the next song from

our album is a cappella.

The next song from our

album is a cappella.

And the name of it is

shut your face, grandma.

The name of it is

shut your face, grandma.

♪ Bum bum bom ♪

♪ She's my grandma

she's my grandma ♪

♪ And she doesn't shut her trap

she doesn't shut her trap ♪

♪ I take it for five minutes

but after six I say ♪

♪ Shut your face grandma ♪

♪ Shut your [bleep] face ♪

♪ Shut your face grandma ♪

♪ Shut your [bleep] face

shut your face grandma! ♪♪

They're so upset.

Yell out drum solo

at the top of your lungs.

Drum solo!

- 'Say it again.'

- Drum solo!

Start trying to do the worm!

Try to do the worm.

Oh [bleep] me, man, no way.

I got your back, buddy!

I'm giving you a b*at!

- Try to stage dive!

- Oh, no!

- 'Look at Sal.'

- 'Oh, my gosh!'

stage dive! Stage dive

into the crowd!

- 'Go, go, go!'

- Oh, [bleep]

Thank you, and good night!

[cymbals crash]

(Murr)

'That was a train wreck.'
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