02x25 - Sorry for Your Loss

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Impractical Jokers". Aired: December 15, 2011 –; present.*
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This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
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02x25 - Sorry for Your Loss

Post by bunniefuu »

(male narrator)

Coming up..

Will Murr be forced to

swallow his pride?

[laughing]

Why is Joe out for revenge?

I'm ready to fight dirty.

I'm ready.

- You poked the wrong Italian.

- 'Let's do this.'

(male narrator)

And why will tonight's big

loser be extra sorry?

[laughing]

Today, we are at fairway market

clipping balloons onto

unsuspecting shoppers.

We're going head-to-head,

tournament-style

joker versus joker, balloon for

balloon, winner take all.

The goal is to keep attaching

balloons one at a time

to customers without getting

caught.

Whoever gets caught loses.

(Joe)

'And here they come, best buds.'

So, it's gonna be tit for tat

down there.

- Balloon for balloon.

- 'You get caught, you lose.'

(male narrator)

Round one.

Sal versus Murr.

- 'Here goes Murr.'

- 'Look at the guys looking.'

(Joe)

'Alright! Sal, you're up!

Sal, Sal, you're up.'

- 'Oh! Back to you, Murr!'

- 'He gets it! You're in, Murr!'

Back to you, Murr.

You got to get her, Murr.

You got to get her.

(Joe)

'Oh!'

(Q)

'She's getting away. Hurry up.'

Ah, I got caught in traffic.

[laughing]

You got balloon-blocked.

'You're not dead yet.

It's two out of three.'

Big blue, big blue, big blue.

'Turn around, Sal, big blue.'

- 'Oh! Oh, he's got..'

- 'Oh!'

(Joe)

The balloon hit him in the

head, and he didn't know!

[laughing]

'Oh,

this is interesting, though'

'cause Sal did not get caught.

Murr, you're up.

- 'Yeah.'

- 'Sal did not get caught.'

The thing is, Murray has to get

past him with the balloon

and him not notice.

- 'Here we go. Here we go.'

- 'Here we go.'

(Sal)

You know what?

I got to prepare now.

- 'Sal's preparing.'

- 'That's the secret.'

(Joe)

'You got to be ready with one in

the hand.'

It's about position.

(Q)

'Preparation is the key to

everything in life, Joe.'

'Go, Murray.

Here he goes! Here he goes!'

[laughing]

'Now you're just sidling up next

to him.'

Oh, you got caught!

Explain your way out of it!

- You're caught!

- That's awkward.

[ding]

(Q)

'Look at Sal!'

'Sal is victorious.'

'Sal's up.'

- 'Whoa.'

- 'Whoa!'

- Whoa!

- Whoa!

(Joe)

'Murr's in.'

(both)

'Whoa!'

- 'Two!'

- Back to Sal.

(both)

'Oh!'

She's starting to look like

the house from "Up."

[laughs]

[laughs]

- 'This is amazing!'

- 'Oh!'

- 'Oh, my God!'

- 'God!'

- Murr, your turn.

- Murr, you're up.

(Joe)

'She's engaged in conversation.

That's what the secret is.'

- 'Sal's going for a double!'

- 'Sal's going for a double.'

(both)

'Oh!'

(Q)

'You're out.

That's a victory for Murr.'

(Joe)

'There you go, Murr.'

[ding]

(male narrator)

Round two.

Joe versus Q.

(Murr)

'If you get caught putting a

balloon on somebody's shirt..'

...you lose.

Joe, how about this guy with the

NASA shirt?

'Oh, oh!

He's going for the shirtsleeve.'

(Sal)

'That's risky.'

[laughing]

[laughing]

I think Joe thinks he lost.

You got caught.

If that's the way you want to

play, buddy, let's fight dirty.

I'm ready to fight dirty.

I'm ready.

- You poked the wrong Italian.

- Let's do this.

Go ahead. You're up.

(Sal)

'You know what they say

about that.'

You awoke a sleeping Italian

that's awake.

Alright, guys,

I'm going way down.

(Murr)

'Sabotaged by Joe!'

Sorry about that.

Dropped that when you tried to

put the balloon on that lady.

- 'On that nice lady.'

- Q got caught attempting his.

- Yeah. That's it.

- So, he loses. That's a loss.

(Murr)

'Next one takes all.'

'Oh, my God!'

'Oh, my God!'

Has this woman not..

She's got a balloon on..

'Joe, Joe!'

'Got a balloon.'

I don't know what happened

with that, then.

- You got caught, buddy.

- You're holding the balloon.

I figured, you had one on

there already.

I might as well

put the second one.

- What's this guy doing?

- I don't know.

Joe!

(Murr)

'Joe goes down!'

- 'And Q moves on.'

- Nicely done.

(male narrator)

Final round.

Murr versus Q.

(Sal)

'Alright, it's winner takes

all right here, one round.'

First person to get caught

loses.

- Sudden death?

- Sudden death.

- 'Oh, he's on a bag.'

- 'Q, on a bag!'

(Sal)

'He's on a bag.

Q has got it on a bag, Murray.'

- And he's on, he's on, he's on.

- And it's on.

(Sal)

'It's in your court.'

'Oh, there you go.

Two.. She's in two.'

- 'Oh [bleep]'

- 'She's in two.'

(Sal)

'He's right back with a pinky.

Here.. Oh! Ah-ah!'

- He's not caught!

- Not caught!

- It's up to Murray!

- He's not caught.

- 'No, it's on.'

- 'Oh!'

(Sal)

'He's still there.'

- 'Yeah, he's got one.'

- Murray's got it.

Oh, Q answers back.

Five balloons,

she's gonna float away.

(Joe)

'Murr, it's up to you, buddy.'

'You better go. The second she

walks away, it's over.'

(Sal)

'Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.'

(Joe)

'Did he get it? Did he get it?'

[both laugh]

Floated away! Floated away!

And Murray's victory floats off

into the atmosphere.

[high-pitched voice]

And that's how I win!

That's how I win!

[ding]

(male narrator)

A totally deflating loss

lands Murr, Sal

and Joe on the loser board.

Today,

we're at Sam Ash music store

helping customers shop for

instruments.

While working on the Sales floor

we'll have to do and say

what the other guys tell us.

If you refuse to do or say

any of it, you lose.

[playing off-key]

Put your flute away.

- 'Joe, the guy by the piano.'

- 'What's up, man?'

Yeah, that's a sweet sound, man.

Play right over his shoulder.

[laughing]

'Right over his shoulder, Joe'

'like you're giving him

the Heimlich.'

[laughing]

Come on, Joe.

Get your arms around him.

- Yeah.

- Keep playing. Keep playing.

- Play right over him.

- That's how you do it.

[laughing]

- Yeah, I hear the difference.

- Dance behind him.

[laughing]

I never use it.

- Now, now it's got the funk.

- 'That's it.'

Joe,

start pointing to your crotch.

- I'll pick on that.

- Right.

[tempo quickens]

[laughing]

[laughing]

Yeah. That's good.

- Joe, get eye level with him.

- You got four of these guys.

Just look at him and say,

"You want to see a dead body?"

[laughing]

You, uh, real quick, though.

You want to, uh..

You want to see a dead body?

You want to scope out a dead

body?

[laughing]

[ding]

How can I help you out, sir?

You'd like to start playing the

harmonica.

(Joe)

'Murr, there's a harmonica on

the table.'

Look him in the eye..

- Say, "Watch this."

- Watch this.

Put the whole harmonica in

your mouth.

[laughing]

[laughing]

(Sal)

'Oh!'

[plays note]

[laughing]

Now give it to him to play.

Go ahead. Try.

[laughing]

Try it. It's not as hard

as you think. Try it.

- 'Try it. See how it feels.'

- It was just in his mouth.

(Q)

'Oh, my God!'

[theme music]

[plays note]

[laughing]

Now give it to him to play.

Go ahead. Try.

[laughing]

Try it.

It's not as hard as you think.

- 'Try it. Try it.'

- 'Don't do it!'

It was just in his mouth!

[plays note]

God!

[plays note]

- 'Oh!'

- 'Oh, my God.'

Now tell him, "Welcome to the

world of hepatitis."

[laughing]

Yeah! Say it! Say it!

I would like to welcome you

to the world of hepatitis.

[laughing]

[ding]

(Joe)

'You look the most like a

musician out of the four of us.'

You are k*lling that slide

whistle right now, man.

I just want someone to slip

on a banana peel

so I can be like..

[plays slide whistle]

[laughing]

Q, go up to someone with that

rain stick from behind

poke them to see if they need

help, with the rain stick.

(Joe)

'Got this girl on the left in

white.'

Do you need help with anything?

I'm fine. Thank you.

- If you need anything..

- You're the guy to see?

I'm the guy to see.

Yep, yeah.

- I'll keep it in mind.

- Keep it in mind.

[laughing]

(Sal)

'Q, the guy with the bongos.'

- Oh, you do music?

- Oh, you do music?

- Yeah.

- Cool, bro. I do music.

Mostly all of them.

I dabble a little bit in,

a little bit of everything.

Q, mispronounce every

instrument.

[laughing]

"Piamo."

I play a lot of piamo.

Real good with the "Saxobone."

[laughing]

I like to, I like to play "Bass"

every once in a while.

You know..

[imitates bass]

Let's jam out some bass.

[ding]

- 'There he is.'

- 'Nice shoes, dude.'

- 'Yeah, nice earring.'

- 'What's that?'

- I'm establishing credibility.

- 'What?!'

- As what?

- Yeah, I'm a musician.

I just, you know,

I'm eccentric like that.

- Oh, my God!

- Oh!

- God!

- What are you doing?

(Joe)

'Over there, the guy talking

at the pianos.'

'He's at the pianos.'

We brought in our friend Casey.

Who's gonna be assisting Sal

out on the floor.

- Unbeknownst to Sal.

- Right.

- He's gonna be giving him a..

- Confidence booster.

There's no pedal.

You know why fish don't make

good musicians?

Do you know why fish don't

play piano?

- I give up.

- 'Cause you can't "Tuna fish."

'Cause you can't "Tuna fish."

[rim sh*t]

[laughing]

Alright, Sal, did you hear about

'that musician that got

arrested?'

Did you hear about that musician

that got arrested?

- She got in "Treble."

- She got in "Treble."

[rim sh*t]

- Cowboy hat, cowboy hat.

- How are you, sir?

(Q)

'Welcome to the drum section.

I'm gonna tell you to b*at it.'

I mean, you can hang out in the

drums for a little while longer

but after that,

I got to tell you to b*at it.

[rim sh*t]

[laughing]

I saw this girl in here earlier,

she was really "Saxy."

This girl in here earlier..

She was so "Saxy."

[rim sh*t]

'She gave me a "Tromboner."'

[laughing]

She gave me a "Tromboner."

[rim sh*t]

[laughing]

I don't work hard at it.

Trust me.

[rim sh*t]

[laughing]

(Joe)

'What's better than roses on

your piano?'

What's better than roses on

your piano?

"Tulips" on your organ.

"Tulips" on your organ.

[laughing]

You guys are "Guitar-ted."

[ding]

(male narrator)

All the jokers hit

the right notes.

So, Murr, Sal, and Joe are tied

on the loser board.

Today, we're playing dress-up

out here in the park.

And we picked out a very

specific item of clothing

for each other to wear.

The goal is to get a compliment

on that item

without directly asking for it.

If you can't get a compliment,

you lose.

Wear your Sunday best, boys.

Joker vs. Joker challenge.

- Oh!

- Oh, snap!

(male narrator)

It's Sal and Murr in the

Joker vs. Joker challenge.

(Q)

'And there they are,

these boots.'

- 'Yeah.'

- Yeah, look good, man.

(Joe)

'Look at this guy.

Stretching out.'

'He's stretching out the

leather?'

Stretching out that leather!

'Yeah, peacock, baby.

Feeling great.'

You're rocking those boots, bro!

(Joe)

'The red ponytail.'

[laughs]

'Eyes to boot, just made

contact. Eyes to boot.'

(Murr)

'That's so weird.'

[laughing]

It's so hot today. I wasn't

expecting it to be this warm.

(Q)

She's looking at your boots,

though.

'She's looking at your boots.'

I would have dressed

differently.

- 'Uh-huh.'

- Those must be hot.

They must be what?

Containing a lot of your body

heat.

Heat, yeah.

I like the style

'but it's definitely not for

this type of weather.'

Does not like them.

She's doing the big nods,

but still doesn't like them.

But it's almost like some

days when I get dressed

it's like not even me putting

the stuff on myself.

Who's putting them on?

Sometimes you get influenced

by friends

and their styles and stuff.

Here, the buckle's here,

and you can kind of

cinch it tighter if you want.

All good, still don't like them.

So, these are my boots!

- Good for you. Yeah.

- Good for me?

Yeah. Well, I mean, I like them.

And that's the blankest look

I've ever seen anybody give

anybody in my entire life.

They're, uh..

You seem to be insecure

about them.

You seem to be fishing for

a compliment.

I mean,

do you enjoy wearing them?

- I do. I do.

- Then..

Yeah. I-I like 'em.

You know?

I like them.

Does someone not like them?

- 'I don't know.'

- I know you like them.

[laughing]

[theme music]

So, these are my boots!

[laughing]

- Good for you. Yeah.

- Good for me?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, I like 'em.

You seem to be insecure

about them.

[laughing]

You seem to be fishing

for a compliment.

I like 'em.

Does someone not like them?

- I don't know.

- I know you like them.

I would not wear them.

(all)

Oh!

- My boots should get walking.

- Your boots should get walking.

(Sal)

Yeah.

[buzzer]

[laughing]

(Q)

'There he is.'

(Joe)

'It's "Murray the kid."'

- Why am I wearing two things?

- 'Don't worry, bud.'

(Q)

'You only need a compliment on

the buckle.'

You know what?

If Murray gets a compliment

this is the kind of thing that

that'll become his new look.

'He's like, "Well,

people liked it, boys."'

'So, this guy right here

on your right?'

Well, hot-dog.

It's a hell of a day, huh?

- Yeah, it's nice.

- You from these parts?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

- Queens?

- 'Oh, yeah.'

I love how Murray's trying to

talk like a cowboy.

(Q)

'He's seen one cowboy movie

ten years ago.'

"Toy story."

[laughs]

(Q)

'What are you doing?'

You know, I just like to get a

little rhythm going, you know?

- Mm-hmm. What do you play?

- What's that?

- What do you play?

- You know, mostly this.

They got some nice belt

buckles around there.

Oh, yeah?

Over there they got them?

- Big ones.

- Big ones?

- Nice ones.

- Like mine?

- Yeah, bigger than that.

- Bigger than this?

'Cause that's kind of my thing.

- Your buckle's nice. Yeah.

- 'My buckle's nice?'

(all)

Aw!

- Take care, my man.

- 'You, too, brother.'

[ding]

(male narrator)

Sal gets the boot.

So, he's tonight's big loser.

Sal is our big loser

and the most apologetic

out of all of us.

So, today we're putting him

to the test with the..

(all)

"No apology" gauntlet!

(Q)

'You, my friend, are gonna

have to run the gauntlet'

stopping at these signs where

you'll find the awful tasks

that you have to do to people.

You can say anything you

want, except "I'm sorry."

I'm sorry I ever met you guys.

Let the gauntlet commence!

♪ Da da da da ♪♪

- 'Ready?'

- No apologies.

'Here we go.'

"Step on a person's foot."

That's something you

apologize for. "Oh, sorry."

- "Oh! Sorry."

- "I'm so sorry."

Of course you apologize.

This is America.

[laughing]

(Joe)

'This is extremely hard,

specifically for Sal.'

He apologizes for everything

in his life

just 'cause it's such a mess.

(Murr)

'Here he goes.'

How do you feel inside

right now?

Nervous, very, shaky at best.

Alright. Stop number two.

Okay.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

"Woof at a baby."

[imitates baby crying]

- Waah! Waah!

- Woof! Woof!

Which is to say that their baby

is less than stellar-looking.

- That's number two?

- We stepped it up.

- It's a "No apology" gauntlet.

- Oh, my God.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

He's getting it out now,

getting it all out.

'You're gonna need it for this

one, buddy.'

- You're welcome.

- Here we go.

- 'Woof, woof!'

- I can't.

You can't do it?

Come on. You have to do it.

Guys, I can't.

Sal, honestly, if you're

having this much problems

I don't know how you're gonna

get through

the rest of the gauntlet.

- 'There you go.'

- Oh. Hey!

(Q)

'Do it. Do it. Do it!'

[theme music]

- There he goes.

- There you go.

- Oh. Hey!

- Do it. Do it. Do it!

Woof.

[laughing]

- God!

- 'Oh, my God.'

(Joe)

'Yeah, that's it, man, woof.'

"No apology" gauntlet continues.

"Sneeze." Oh, God. Guys.

"Sneeze on someone."

[laughing]

How do you sneeze on someone

and not say you're sorry?

You got to do it.

You got to do it.

- Ah-choo!

- [bleep]

[laughing]

- 'Wow!'

- I can't do any more.

You're doing alright.

You only got two more.

"Blow an air horn.."

[laughing]

Right under the sign there,

there's an air horn.

[laughing]

[bleep] me.

I'm gonna get punched

in the face.

God, I-I hope so.

[laughs]

- 'Oh, my God!'

- 'Here he goes.'

- 'Get it. Get it. Get it.'

- 'Oh!'

air horn blows]

[laughing]

Oh, my God.

- 'You [bleep]'

- 'Wow!'

- 'He's not sorry.'

- 'Evil idiot!'

Alright, man. Only one more stop

on the train, buddy.

(Q)

'Here we go. Here we go.'

"Give an old woman the mid.."

[laughs]

"Give an old woman the middle

the finger."

Oh, my God!

You know what?

You guys are [bleep]

They deserve middle fingers,

too. Just 'cause they're old?

- What am I gonna do?

- I'll show you, buddy.

Look. It's this. That's-that's

it. There you go.

- You got it? Okay.

- Ooh, man.

I got, I mean,

the chills right now.

You get through this last

one, you're done!

'That's it, man.'

(Joe)

'Here she comes!

Here she comes!'

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- You got to do it.

- You got to do it.

Aaaahhhhh!

[laughing]

- Oh, man!

- You did it!

- 'You won, buddy.'

- 'Oh, my God!'

Not even I would do that!

That's somebody's grandmother,

you dope.

(Q)

'You don't give an old woman

the middle finger.'

[laughing]
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