(male narrator)
Coming up, who tells Murr to
put a sock in it?
I'm not gonna put up with it.
What the..
(male narrator)
What has Q up in arms?
[laughing]
I'm so hot!
(male narrator)
And what's got Joe
all hot and bothered?
[laughing]
A pretentious fact about us,
we know nothing about art.
Today, we'll take turns teaching
an advanced art class.
To add a splash of color,
we'll have to do and say
what the other guys tell us.
If you refuse to do what
you're told, you lose.
- 'What's up with the hat, man?'
- Arty.
[laughing]
- Hey, guys. How are you?
- Good. How are you?
Nice to meet you. Grab an easel
you feel comfortable at.
You can paint the whole table,
if you like, or if you like to
pick one thing and concentrate
on it, that's just as well.
Let's begin.
(Q)
'Go back to that girl there to
the right.'
Ah,
I do have a suggestion for you.
I do have a suggestion.
'Ah, you know what would really
help that painting..
What would really help,
I think, the painting..
- Yeah?
- Is a ninja.
[laughs]
You have, uh..
You have the background.
That's gonna set a nice tone.
As a matter of fact..
Just a suggestion..
Might be cool if you put, like,
a.. Added a ninja in there.
(Murr)
'Sal, make the same suggestion
to the girl next to you.'
You know what would be
a good idea?
[laughing]
If, behind the roses
on the table..
[laughs]
...maybe you drop a nin..
...maybe you drop a ninja
in there.
[laughing]
(Joe)
'Alright, go up to the woman
in the gray sweater.'
- 'Let me ask you a question.'
- Let me ask you a question.
You think I have a sh*t with
"Red pants" behind us?
The room is so quiet. They can
hear every conversation.
You think I got a sh*t with
"Red pants" behind us?
[laughs]
No.
[laughing]
Are you talking about me?
[laughing]
Sick art.
- "Sick art."
- "Sick a.."
Go up to the girl in red
pants.
I like that you went with
blue.
- I just want a little contrast.
- 'Okay.'
Let me ask you a quick
question.
Let me ask you a quick
question.
You think I got a sh*t with
the girl in the gray sweater?
'Oh, my God!'
[laughing]
Do you..
You think I got a sh*t with
the girl in the gray sweater?
She's got a couple rings on
her finger.
I don't know about it.
[laughing]
Doing good so far, buddy.
I'm gonna turn this up a notch.
Go up to the woman up in the
front with the black shirt on.
'Ask to borrow a paintbrush'
for a second.
Can I show you something?
- Now paint a ninja.
- 'Oh, my God!'
'Right on her canvass? Paint
a ninja in the painting.'
what I'd also want to do
here..
And God help us all..
[laughing]
..is...
'You want to add a ninja
in here.'
[laughing]
So, what you're gonna do is..
Do it. Finish the ninja.
'You want to add this guy in.'
This is a ninja hiding behind
the fruit
waiting to pounce.
'And they carry swords.'
[laughing]
Okay. There you go.
My God.
[laughing]
[ding]
See, I feel that Murr is
at a disadvantage right now
because art is evoked from
things like
human emotion and human
feelings.
Do you know what feelings are,
Murr?
Paint by numbers.
[laughing]
Hi, everybody. How are you?
Murr, there's a paintbrush on
that back table.
Why don't you pick it up?
'Start hitting people's
canvasses with it.'
[laughs]
'There you go,
the girl on the left.'
Ah!
[laughing]
It's great. Yeah, keep it up.
[laughing]
Oh, you're doing that-that
big rose there?
'Alright, b*at the hell out
of this thing'
'like it owes you money.'
- b*at the hell out of it.
- Do it, bro.
The hard part, the hard part of
the rose is trying to get the
'the exact perspective right.'
Obviously, yours looks almost
one-dimensional.
The hard part, though,
is the depth of the rose.
Beautiful.
[laughing]
(Joe)
'You got a lip balm in your
pocket, right, bud?'
(Sal)
'He always does.
I won't lend him mine.'
Take it out and just apply it
to yourself.
Help her. Don't stop applying
your lip balm.
The second rose..
- Yeah, there it is.
- You know, like..
(Sal)
'Oh, my God! The girl behind you
is flipping out. Keep doing it.'
Something light, as if..
Imagine, like, it's in, like,
a country setting
or something like that,
you know?
'And what I would probably do..'
(Sal)
'Her hand. She wants to say
something so bad.'
Try a glass of wine, too.
Great. Keep up the great work.
[laughing]
You guys are doing a great job.
And that's not just lip service.
And that's not just lip service.
[laughing]
She appreciates a bad joke.
Alright, Murr, take out your
phone and have an inappropriate
phone call right in front of
this class.
I can't talk right now.
I'm teaching.
Your girlfriend just decided
to break up with you.
What do you mean it's not
working out?
So help me God,
if you say Dalton..
So help me God,
if you say Dalton..
Is Dalton there with you?
You put him on the [bleep] damn
phone right now.
Let me talk to him.
I got to get back to work.
- No!
- No!
- No! No!
- No! No!
- No! No!
- No! No!
No! You understand me?
Don't touch my baseball cards.
- Just go, "Hold on, hold on."
- Hold on, hold on.
Turn around, be like,
"Does anybody need
any more [bleep] paint?"
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Anyone need any more
[bleep] paint?
[laughing]
[ding]
My name's Joe.
I'm your instructor today.
Welcome to Artevino.
Art is the smartest of all
the deadbeat careers.
[laughing]
Guys, just remember, art is the
smartest of all the deadbeat
careers out there.
[laughing]
Yeah, I'm a full-time artist.
I'm a fu..
I'm a full time artist.
Straight-up deadbeat.
[laughing]
Joe, keep censoring your own
bad words.
How long I've been painting?
I've been painting
for two beeping years.
That's how I met my..
Beep of a beeping ex-girlfriend.
She was a great beep, though.
One hell of a beep, though.
Keep going with it.
Keep going with it.
[laughing]
I caught her in the back sucking
some guy's beep.
[laughing]
My grandmother was a great
painter.
My grandmother was a great
painter.
She taught me three things..
She taught me three things,
really, about it..
- 'How to draw a tree..'
- How to draw a tree..
- 'How to paint a man..'
- How to paint a man..
And how to please a woman.
- And how to..
- 'Your grandma taught you?'
[laughing]
It was..
- Grandma.
- Grandma. Escaping me.
That third one's escaping me.
[laughing]
[buzzer]
(male narrator)
Coming up,
has Q found his muse?
I must paint you nude.
(male narrator)
And speaking of nudity
why can't the jokers
keep their pants on?
(Sal)
'He just grabbed the bottle
and took a drink.'
No one told you to drink from
the wine bottle, you jerk.
- No one told me not to.
- 'You don't talk to us.'
That-that just meant nothing to
everyone in there.
(Murr)
'Who did you say that to?'
'Who do they think you're
talking to?'
[laughing]
Q, power-walk to the guy in
the back.
'Then say,
"I must paint you nude."'
I must paint you nude.
[laughing]
We'll schedule that after class.
It's a whole different thing.
[laughing]
(Joe)
'Okay, grab that easel and
show them how to paint.'
You are better off vomiting
onto that canvass.
'It would look better than
whatever you're gonna paint.'
[laughing]
Now, the thing to remember is,
I'm a little color-blind.
[laughing]
The wine bottle over here.
Now here is my cat.
He's a black cat.
(Joe)
'Now, guys,
this is available for sale.'
I'm in a tough spot right now.
[laughing]
Now, guys,
this is available for sale.
I'm in a tough spot right now.
- Got evicted last week.
- I got evicted last week.
Put your paint down.
Take your hat off and start
going table to table with your
hat out in your hand
and beg for money.
(Murr)
'Oh, my..'
This is humiliating.
(Murr)
'Dude,
go to the girl in the front.'
[laughing]
Did you have any money?
- Okay, okay.
- He's begging.
Sir, I don't know if you could
but I'm in a little rough spot,
I could..
[ding]
[laughing]
[ding]
(male narrator)
Joe painted himself into
a corner
and ended up on the loser
board.
Tonight, we're just hanging out
at a bar playing some darts.
But each segment of the dart
board will have
a ridiculous task
written on it.
Whatever stupid thing that your
dart hits you have to do.
If you can't complete
the task, you lose.
You guys don't know this,
but I used to, I trained
when I was younger,
to be a ninja
and I was good with throwing
cards.
I know that's not true.
- 'Joker's choice!'
- 'Joker's choice!'
- Joker's choice!
- 'Alright.'
Whole board,
whatever you want.
Alright. Ah,
I guess I'll baby-talk a guy.
- Why didn't you pick $ ?
- 'Oh, I can pick the middle?'
Oh, wait! I change my mind!
[laughing]
I didn't know I could pick
the middle.
I didn't know I could pick
the middle!
[laughing]
Joey! Are you ready to go?
[imitating baby]
Bottle of milk, please.
Man, I think the most important
lesson that you could
learn from this whole thing is
that when you have a choice..
- Take $ .
- 'Take $ .'
[laughing]
(Murr)
'How about this big, buff guy?'
This guy's perfect!
(Sal)
'The guy's a foot taller
than you.'
[laughing]
[imitating]
Too tall,
are you getting a drinky-winky?
[laughing]
You drink beers?
You drink beers.
You sound like a Yoda
Elmer Fudd.
That's who you sound like,
right?
That's so good you drink
the beers.
[laughing]
You ever been here before? No!
[laughing]
Do you like it?
He likes it!
[laughing]
That's a big pitcher.
You got a big pitcher.
You got a big pitcher.
You know you're man of few words
you are.
[laughing]
[ding]
Ready?
Get your upper thigh rubbed!
(Murr)
'You got to get your upper
thigh rubbed.'
How am I supposed to
get it rubbed?
Now, Q, that's,
I mean, that's up here.
- Upper thigh, buddy.
- Upper thigh.
(Joe)
'Not your lower thigh.'
What's up, bro?
Want to rub that thigh?
[laughing]
He gave him the offer.
[whistles]
(Joe)
'What are you?
A construction worker?'
[whistles]
(Sal)
'He thinks he's got something
on his thigh.'
My thigh.
My thigh, yeah?
Nice, right?
[laughing]
Want to get a rub on that?
[whistles]
This..
Listen, this thigh-rubbing offer
ain't gonna stand all day.
[laughing]
Get in there. Get in there.
Last guy who rubbed my thigh won
the power-ball.
Yeah. Hey! Alright!
Yeah! Just two dudes rubbing
thighs in bars. That's all.
He picked the guy who was
ready to play ball...literally.
[laughing]
[ding]
Is there any chance that dart
can be thrown, make a U-turn
and come back,
and s*ab you in the chest?
[laughing]
(all)
Oh!
- Sock in your mouth!
- Sock in your mouth!
Ah!
Murr, where are you?
[laughing]
Here, we see the Murr in his
natural habitat.
I'm having a bad day, man.
I'm supposed to meet my girl
here, right?
We're gonna have drinks.
She calls me up.
She says,
"I don't want to see you anymore
because
I think your feet look weird."
That my feet look weird. I've
never heard that in my life.
See?
But it looks fine.
Like, take a look, right?
Your foot looks worse?
- Let me see.
- Oh.
Let me see one real quick.
I just want to see real quick.
(Joe)
'He gets people to do this
[bleep]'
- It's unreal.
- I'll hold this for you.
Aah! Aah!
That looks totally fine, man.
That looks completely fine.
It looks completely fine.
I'm-I'm gonna tell her..
We're moments away from
insertion.
I feel like prom night.
[laughs]
Real quick.
I just want to see real quick.
(Joe)
'He gets people to do this
[bleep]'
- It's unreal.
- I'll hold this for you.
That looks totally fine.
It looks completely fine.
And you know what?
I'm gonna tell her..
In one second.
I'm gonna tell her..
No, he doesn't! No, he doesn't!
No, he doesn't!
Don't do it. Don't do it.
Please don't do it.
I am not gonna put up
with it at all.
I'm not,
I'm not gonna put up with it.
[all cheering]
(Joe)
'You like that?
Is that good for you, man?'
- What the [bleep]
- Oh!
I'm just really emotional.
Was that the taste of victory
or the taste of de-feet?
[laughing]
[ding]
(Joe)
'Dart time.'
(all)
'Oh!'
(Murr)
'"Royal kiss" a dude's hand.
You know what that is.'
- That this?
- 'That's this.'
- Is that that?
- "Bro, kiss my hand."
Alright. I bid you adieu.
- 'Welcome, sire.'
- 'Oh, look at him.'
(Joe)
'Royal-kissing dude's hands.'
How does his hair look so
neat and in place, and then
the second you get here,
it's like a-a car accident?
Sal, you're like Don Draper up
top and elephant man down below
'with, like, the two hair
differences going on.'
[laughing]
I'm afraid someone's gonna
punch me in the [bleep] face.
(Joe)
'There's a guy to your left.'
Oops.
[bleep] sorry.
Thank you.
[laughing]
I didn't mean to do that,
man.
Crazy. But thanks.
Thanks for picking that up for
me. I appreciate that.
- No worries
- Okay.
- Cheers.
- 'That wasn't royal.'
(Murr)
'That don't count.'
[laughing]
(Joe)
'Remember,
this is a royal hand kiss'
'not just kissing the hand.'
I don't know why I did that.
[laughing]
I was so in a tizzy.
I just..
(Murr)
'He just wiped his hand.'
That was weird.
[buzzer]
(male narrator)
Joe and Sal couldn't
score a win
but it's Sal who really
missed the mark
as tonight's big loser.
Sal's our loser and, also
a particularly stressed-out
little man.
So we've created a presentation
that you have to go in there
and deliver,
teaching people how not to
'sweat the small things.'
'Cause if there's one thing
you do really well, my friend
it is sweating the small things.
- I'm sweating already.
- I know.
Hey, everyone. How are you?
I don't know how we could do
anything worse.
So, today's seminar, of course,
and you guys know is
"Don't sweat the small things.
How to create a stress-free
life."
He's the most stressed out of
all of us.
He lives the most stressed
life ever.
Let's begin.
Lots of people are worried about
threats to their health
like cancer and diabetes.
They should be worried,
instead, about the silent k*ller
which is stress, right.
I'm actually nervous.
You don't have control over the
amount of stress you encounter
in the outside world,
but there's one place
that you can control..
Your home.
- Okay.
- 'That is Sal's house.'
(Joe)
'We know where Sal hides his
key. It's right there.'
[laughing]
'Come on in, guys. Let's see
what's going on in Sal's house.'
Now he knows
that we're in his house.
Oh, no.
- 'That is Sal's house.'
- 'Come on in, guys.'
(Joe)
'Let's see what's going on
in Sal's house.'
[laughing]
(Joe)
'Sal has strict rules at his
house.'
You got to take your shoes off.
- Yeah.
- "Don't go in my bedroom."
"Don't come over."
Moving on..
[laughing]
Consider a pet.
[laughing]
[laughing]
That's my cat in Sal's bed.
[laughing]
He's in shock.
[clears throat]
Let's move on.
Eat right. If you're in a hurry
make sure to grab some
breakfast.
[laughing]
- 'Sal's milk.'
- 'That's Sal's.'
- 'That's still at Sal's house.'
- 'That's Sal's peanut butter.'
[laughing]
Wait for it. Wait for it.
And it goes..
'...right back in the jar of
peanut butter!'
(Joe)
'Look at this guy.'
He's like, "That peanut
butter was violated."
[laughing]
Don't stress about germs.
Oh, God.
Now, I used to live life as,
like, a germophobe, really.
- Used to?
- What's this "Used to," Sal?
I don't like touching handles
public restrooms,
things like that.
I'm so sick.
[laughing]
That's Sal's couch.
(Joe)
'Here you go. Just sh-shove that
right between the cushions.'
That tissue is still
in your couch.
[laughing]
I'm so hot! Oh, God!
[laughing]
'Oh, it's getting more
comfortable.'
[laughing]
[grunting]
(Murr)
'Oh, my God.'
'Oh! Oh!'
'Oh, he didn't wash his hands!'
'Oh!'
'That's your toothbrush.'
[laughing]
(Joe)
'And there it is.'
'I thought that one would
get you.'
You want to make sure to
maintain proper hygiene
which is why I don't go into
public restrooms
which is why I always
thought that my
private bathroom was safe.
[laughing]
Okay.
Get to know your neighbors.
A sense of community can make
all the difference.
[laughing]
(Murr)
'"Be friendly with the
neighbors."'
(Q)
'"Be friendly." What sort of..
You want your neighbors..'
(Joe)
'Oh!'
- 'Oh!'
- Hi, neighbors.
[laughing]
- 'Oh!'
- 'Hi, neighbors.
(Murr)
'Hello, neighbors.'
[laughing]
Stress..
[laughing]
(Q)
'Oh, God.'
Alright, I have to move
because there's no doubt I have
probably hepatitis is
"A" through "Z."
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Please tell me that wasn't my
real toothbrush, please.
[laughing]
'What is wrong with you people?'
- 'Don't lose.'
- My neighbors.
Stop losing and stop going
away for three or four days.
You went while I was on
vacation?!
How'd you get into my house?
Which one of my family members
did it?
(Murr)
'We're not saying a word.'
The person you'd least suspect,
though, I promise you that.
My mother?
Did you take your shoes off?
- I took more than my shoes off.
- 'All shoes were off.'
02x18 - Sweat the Small Things
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This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.