02x18 - Sweat the Small Things

[bunniefuu]

(male narrator)

Coming up, who tells Murr to

put a sock in it?

I'm not gonna put up with it.

What the..

(male narrator)

What has Q up in arms?

[laughing]

I'm so hot!

(male narrator)

And what's got Joe

all hot and bothered?

[laughing]

A pretentious fact about us,

we know nothing about art.

Today, we'll take turns teaching

an advanced art class.

To add a splash of color,

we'll have to do and say

what the other guys tell us.

If you refuse to do what

you're told, you lose.

- 'What's up with the hat, man?'

- Arty.

[laughing]

- Hey, guys. How are you?

- Good. How are you?

Nice to meet you. Grab an easel

you feel comfortable at.

You can paint the whole table,

if you like, or if you like to

pick one thing and concentrate

on it, that's just as well.

Let's begin.

(Q)

'Go back to that girl there to

the right.'

Ah,

I do have a suggestion for you.

I do have a suggestion.

'Ah, you know what would really

help that painting..

What would really help,

I think, the painting..

- Yeah?

- Is a ninja.

[laughs]

You have, uh..

You have the background.

That's gonna set a nice tone.

As a matter of fact..

Just a suggestion..

Might be cool if you put, like,

a.. Added a ninja in there.

(Murr)

'Sal, make the same suggestion

to the girl next to you.'

You know what would be

a good idea?

[laughing]

If, behind the roses

on the table..

[laughs]

...maybe you drop a nin..

...maybe you drop a ninja

in there.

[laughing]

(Joe)

'Alright, go up to the woman

in the gray sweater.'

- 'Let me ask you a question.'

- Let me ask you a question.

You think I have a sh*t with

"Red pants" behind us?

The room is so quiet. They can

hear every conversation.

You think I got a sh*t with

"Red pants" behind us?

[laughs]

No.

[laughing]

Are you talking about me?

[laughing]

Sick art.

- "Sick art."

- "Sick a.."

Go up to the girl in red

pants.

I like that you went with

blue.

- I just want a little contrast.

- 'Okay.'

Let me ask you a quick

question.

Let me ask you a quick

question.

You think I got a sh*t with

the girl in the gray sweater?

'Oh, my God!'

[laughing]

Do you..

You think I got a sh*t with

the girl in the gray sweater?

She's got a couple rings on

her finger.

I don't know about it.

[laughing]

Doing good so far, buddy.

I'm gonna turn this up a notch.

Go up to the woman up in the

front with the black shirt on.

'Ask to borrow a paintbrush'

for a second.

Can I show you something?

- Now paint a ninja.

- 'Oh, my God!'

'Right on her canvass? Paint

a ninja in the painting.'

what I'd also want to do

here..

And God help us all..

[laughing]

..is...

'You want to add a ninja

in here.'

[laughing]

So, what you're gonna do is..

Do it. Finish the ninja.

'You want to add this guy in.'

This is a ninja hiding behind

the fruit

waiting to pounce.

'And they carry swords.'

[laughing]

Okay. There you go.

My God.

[laughing]

[ding]

See, I feel that Murr is

at a disadvantage right now

because art is evoked from

things like

human emotion and human

feelings.

Do you know what feelings are,

Murr?

Paint by numbers.

[laughing]

Hi, everybody. How are you?

Murr, there's a paintbrush on

that back table.

Why don't you pick it up?

'Start hitting people's

canvasses with it.'

[laughs]

'There you go,

the girl on the left.'

Ah!

[laughing]

It's great. Yeah, keep it up.

[laughing]

Oh, you're doing that-that

big rose there?

'Alright, b*at the hell out

of this thing'

'like it owes you money.'

- b*at the hell out of it.

- Do it, bro.

The hard part, the hard part of

the rose is trying to get the

'the exact perspective right.'

Obviously, yours looks almost

one-dimensional.

The hard part, though,

is the depth of the rose.

Beautiful.

[laughing]

(Joe)

'You got a lip balm in your

pocket, right, bud?'

(Sal)

'He always does.

I won't lend him mine.'

Take it out and just apply it

to yourself.

Help her. Don't stop applying

your lip balm.

The second rose..

- Yeah, there it is.

- You know, like..

(Sal)

'Oh, my God! The girl behind you

is flipping out. Keep doing it.'

Something light, as if..

Imagine, like, it's in, like,

a country setting

or something like that,

you know?

'And what I would probably do..'

(Sal)

'Her hand. She wants to say

something so bad.'

Try a glass of wine, too.

Great. Keep up the great work.

[laughing]

You guys are doing a great job.

And that's not just lip service.

And that's not just lip service.

[laughing]

She appreciates a bad joke.

Alright, Murr, take out your

phone and have an inappropriate

phone call right in front of

this class.

I can't talk right now.

I'm teaching.

Your girlfriend just decided

to break up with you.

What do you mean it's not

working out?

So help me God,

if you say Dalton..

So help me God,

if you say Dalton..

Is Dalton there with you?

You put him on the [bleep] damn

phone right now.

Let me talk to him.

I got to get back to work.

- No!

- No!

- No! No!

- No! No!

- No! No!

- No! No!

No! You understand me?

Don't touch my baseball cards.

- Just go, "Hold on, hold on."

- Hold on, hold on.

Turn around, be like,

"Does anybody need

any more [bleep] paint?"

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Anyone need any more

[bleep] paint?

[laughing]

[ding]

My name's Joe.

I'm your instructor today.

Welcome to Artevino.

Art is the smartest of all

the deadbeat careers.

[laughing]

Guys, just remember, art is the

smartest of all the deadbeat

careers out there.

[laughing]

Yeah, I'm a full-time artist.

I'm a fu..

I'm a full time artist.

Straight-up deadbeat.

[laughing]

Joe, keep censoring your own

bad words.

How long I've been painting?

I've been painting

for two beeping years.

That's how I met my..

Beep of a beeping ex-girlfriend.

She was a great beep, though.

One hell of a beep, though.

Keep going with it.

Keep going with it.

[laughing]

I caught her in the back sucking

some guy's beep.

[laughing]

My grandmother was a great

painter.

My grandmother was a great

painter.

She taught me three things..

She taught me three things,

really, about it..

- 'How to draw a tree..'

- How to draw a tree..

- 'How to paint a man..'

- How to paint a man..

And how to please a woman.

- And how to..

- 'Your grandma taught you?'

[laughing]

It was..

- Grandma.

- Grandma. Escaping me.

That third one's escaping me.

[laughing]

[buzzer]

(male narrator)

Coming up,

has Q found his muse?

I must paint you nude.

(male narrator)

And speaking of nudity

why can't the jokers

keep their pants on?

(Sal)

'He just grabbed the bottle

and took a drink.'

No one told you to drink from

the wine bottle, you jerk.

- No one told me not to.

- 'You don't talk to us.'

That-that just meant nothing to

everyone in there.

(Murr)

'Who did you say that to?'

'Who do they think you're

talking to?'

[laughing]

Q, power-walk to the guy in

the back.

'Then say,

"I must paint you nude."'

I must paint you nude.

[laughing]

We'll schedule that after class.

It's a whole different thing.

[laughing]

(Joe)

'Okay, grab that easel and

show them how to paint.'

You are better off vomiting

onto that canvass.

'It would look better than

whatever you're gonna paint.'

[laughing]

Now, the thing to remember is,

I'm a little color-blind.

[laughing]

The wine bottle over here.

Now here is my cat.

He's a black cat.

(Joe)

'Now, guys,

this is available for sale.'

I'm in a tough spot right now.

[laughing]

Now, guys,

this is available for sale.

I'm in a tough spot right now.

- Got evicted last week.

- I got evicted last week.

Put your paint down.

Take your hat off and start

going table to table with your

hat out in your hand

and beg for money.

(Murr)

'Oh, my..'

This is humiliating.

(Murr)

'Dude,

go to the girl in the front.'

[laughing]

Did you have any money?

- Okay, okay.

- He's begging.

Sir, I don't know if you could

but I'm in a little rough spot,

I could..

[ding]

[laughing]

[ding]

(male narrator)

Joe painted himself into

a corner

and ended up on the loser

board.

Tonight, we're just hanging out

at a bar playing some darts.

But each segment of the dart

board will have

a ridiculous task

written on it.

Whatever stupid thing that your

dart hits you have to do.

If you can't complete

the task, you lose.

You guys don't know this,

but I used to, I trained

when I was younger,

to be a ninja

and I was good with throwing

cards.

I know that's not true.

- 'Joker's choice!'

- 'Joker's choice!'

- Joker's choice!

- 'Alright.'

Whole board,

whatever you want.

Alright. Ah,

I guess I'll baby-talk a guy.

- Why didn't you pick $ ?

- 'Oh, I can pick the middle?'

Oh, wait! I change my mind!

[laughing]

I didn't know I could pick

the middle.

I didn't know I could pick

the middle!

[laughing]

Joey! Are you ready to go?

[imitating baby]

Bottle of milk, please.

Man, I think the most important

lesson that you could

learn from this whole thing is

that when you have a choice..

- Take $ .

- 'Take $ .'

[laughing]

(Murr)

'How about this big, buff guy?'

This guy's perfect!

(Sal)

'The guy's a foot taller

than you.'

[laughing]

[imitating]

Too tall,

are you getting a drinky-winky?

[laughing]

You drink beers?

You drink beers.

You sound like a Yoda

Elmer Fudd.

That's who you sound like,

right?

That's so good you drink

the beers.

[laughing]

You ever been here before? No!

[laughing]

Do you like it?

He likes it!

[laughing]

That's a big pitcher.

You got a big pitcher.

You got a big pitcher.

You know you're man of few words

you are.

[laughing]

[ding]

Ready?

Get your upper thigh rubbed!

(Murr)

'You got to get your upper

thigh rubbed.'

How am I supposed to

get it rubbed?

Now, Q, that's,

I mean, that's up here.

- Upper thigh, buddy.

- Upper thigh.

(Joe)

'Not your lower thigh.'

What's up, bro?

Want to rub that thigh?

[laughing]

He gave him the offer.

[whistles]

(Joe)

'What are you?

A construction worker?'

[whistles]

(Sal)

'He thinks he's got something

on his thigh.'

My thigh.

My thigh, yeah?

Nice, right?

[laughing]

Want to get a rub on that?

[whistles]

This..

Listen, this thigh-rubbing offer

ain't gonna stand all day.

[laughing]

Get in there. Get in there.

Last guy who rubbed my thigh won

the power-ball.

Yeah. Hey! Alright!

Yeah! Just two dudes rubbing

thighs in bars. That's all.

He picked the guy who was

ready to play ball...literally.

[laughing]

[ding]

Is there any chance that dart

can be thrown, make a U-turn

and come back,

and s*ab you in the chest?

[laughing]

(all)

Oh!

- Sock in your mouth!

- Sock in your mouth!

Ah!

Murr, where are you?

[laughing]

Here, we see the Murr in his

natural habitat.

I'm having a bad day, man.

I'm supposed to meet my girl

here, right?

We're gonna have drinks.

She calls me up.

She says,

"I don't want to see you anymore

because

I think your feet look weird."

That my feet look weird. I've

never heard that in my life.

See?

But it looks fine.

Like, take a look, right?

Your foot looks worse?

- Let me see.

- Oh.

Let me see one real quick.

I just want to see real quick.

(Joe)

'He gets people to do this

[bleep]'

- It's unreal.

- I'll hold this for you.

Aah! Aah!

That looks totally fine, man.

That looks completely fine.

It looks completely fine.

I'm-I'm gonna tell her..

We're moments away from

insertion.

I feel like prom night.

[laughs]

Real quick.

I just want to see real quick.

(Joe)

'He gets people to do this

[bleep]'

- It's unreal.

- I'll hold this for you.

That looks totally fine.

It looks completely fine.

And you know what?

I'm gonna tell her..

In one second.

I'm gonna tell her..

No, he doesn't! No, he doesn't!

No, he doesn't!

Don't do it. Don't do it.

Please don't do it.

I am not gonna put up

with it at all.

I'm not,

I'm not gonna put up with it.

[all cheering]

(Joe)

'You like that?

Is that good for you, man?'

- What the [bleep]

- Oh!

I'm just really emotional.

Was that the taste of victory

or the taste of de-feet?

[laughing]

[ding]

(Joe)

'Dart time.'

(all)

'Oh!'

(Murr)

'"Royal kiss" a dude's hand.

You know what that is.'

- That this?

- 'That's this.'

- Is that that?

- "Bro, kiss my hand."

Alright. I bid you adieu.

- 'Welcome, sire.'

- 'Oh, look at him.'

(Joe)

'Royal-kissing dude's hands.'

How does his hair look so

neat and in place, and then

the second you get here,

it's like a-a car accident?

Sal, you're like Don Draper up

top and elephant man down below

'with, like, the two hair

differences going on.'

[laughing]

I'm afraid someone's gonna

punch me in the [bleep] face.

(Joe)

'There's a guy to your left.'

Oops.

[bleep] sorry.

Thank you.

[laughing]

I didn't mean to do that,

man.

Crazy. But thanks.

Thanks for picking that up for

me. I appreciate that.

- No worries

- Okay.

- Cheers.

- 'That wasn't royal.'

(Murr)

'That don't count.'

[laughing]

(Joe)

'Remember,

this is a royal hand kiss'

'not just kissing the hand.'

I don't know why I did that.

[laughing]

I was so in a tizzy.

I just..

(Murr)

'He just wiped his hand.'

That was weird.

[buzzer]

(male narrator)

Joe and Sal couldn't

score a win

but it's Sal who really

missed the mark

as tonight's big loser.

Sal's our loser and, also

a particularly stressed-out

little man.

So we've created a presentation

that you have to go in there

and deliver,

teaching people how not to

'sweat the small things.'

'Cause if there's one thing

you do really well, my friend

it is sweating the small things.

- I'm sweating already.

- I know.

Hey, everyone. How are you?

I don't know how we could do

anything worse.

So, today's seminar, of course,

and you guys know is

"Don't sweat the small things.

How to create a stress-free

life."

He's the most stressed out of

all of us.

He lives the most stressed

life ever.

Let's begin.

Lots of people are worried about

threats to their health

like cancer and diabetes.

They should be worried,

instead, about the silent k*ller

which is stress, right.

I'm actually nervous.

You don't have control over the

amount of stress you encounter

in the outside world,

but there's one place

that you can control..

Your home.

- Okay.

- 'That is Sal's house.'

(Joe)

'We know where Sal hides his

key. It's right there.'

[laughing]

'Come on in, guys. Let's see

what's going on in Sal's house.'

Now he knows

that we're in his house.

Oh, no.

- 'That is Sal's house.'

- 'Come on in, guys.'

(Joe)

'Let's see what's going on

in Sal's house.'

[laughing]

(Joe)

'Sal has strict rules at his

house.'

You got to take your shoes off.

- Yeah.

- "Don't go in my bedroom."

"Don't come over."

Moving on..

[laughing]

Consider a pet.

[laughing]

[laughing]

That's my cat in Sal's bed.

[laughing]

He's in shock.

[clears throat]

Let's move on.

Eat right. If you're in a hurry

make sure to grab some

breakfast.

[laughing]

- 'Sal's milk.'

- 'That's Sal's.'

- 'That's still at Sal's house.'

- 'That's Sal's peanut butter.'

[laughing]

Wait for it. Wait for it.

And it goes..

'...right back in the jar of

peanut butter!'

(Joe)

'Look at this guy.'

He's like, "That peanut

butter was violated."

[laughing]

Don't stress about germs.

Oh, God.

Now, I used to live life as,

like, a germophobe, really.

- Used to?

- What's this "Used to," Sal?

I don't like touching handles

public restrooms,

things like that.

I'm so sick.

[laughing]

That's Sal's couch.

(Joe)

'Here you go. Just sh-shove that

right between the cushions.'

That tissue is still

in your couch.

[laughing]

I'm so hot! Oh, God!

[laughing]

'Oh, it's getting more

comfortable.'

[laughing]

[grunting]

(Murr)

'Oh, my God.'

'Oh! Oh!'

'Oh, he didn't wash his hands!'

'Oh!'

'That's your toothbrush.'

[laughing]

(Joe)

'And there it is.'

'I thought that one would

get you.'

You want to make sure to

maintain proper hygiene

which is why I don't go into

public restrooms

which is why I always

thought that my

private bathroom was safe.

[laughing]

Okay.

Get to know your neighbors.

A sense of community can make

all the difference.

[laughing]

(Murr)

'"Be friendly with the

neighbors."'

(Q)

'"Be friendly." What sort of..

You want your neighbors..'

(Joe)

'Oh!'

- 'Oh!'

- Hi, neighbors.

[laughing]

- 'Oh!'

- 'Hi, neighbors.

(Murr)

'Hello, neighbors.'

[laughing]

Stress..

[laughing]

(Q)

'Oh, God.'

Alright, I have to move

because there's no doubt I have

probably hepatitis is

"A" through "Z."

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Please tell me that wasn't my

real toothbrush, please.

[laughing]

'What is wrong with you people?'

- 'Don't lose.'

- My neighbors.

Stop losing and stop going

away for three or four days.

You went while I was on

vacation?!

How'd you get into my house?

Which one of my family members

did it?

(Murr)

'We're not saying a word.'

The person you'd least suspect,

though, I promise you that.

My mother?

Did you take your shoes off?

- I took more than my shoes off.

- 'All shoes were off.'