(male narrator)
Coming up..
what's got Sal so confused?
- What the what?
- Ha-ha-ha!
(male narrator)
Why is Murr being
such a mama's boy?
Is there a Mrs. Murray
in the store?
(male narrator)
And why is tonight's big loser
documenting his own demise?
Yeah!
[laughter]
Today, we're shopping
for great deals at
Lot-Less Closeouts.
But what's our deal?
Well, we have to do
and say whatever
the other guys tell us to.
If you refuse to do or say
any of it, you lose.
And nobody likes to lose.
(all)
Nobody.
Sal, start shopping out of
people's hands.
Whatever they grab
is the thing you wanted.
'The lady with the denim shirt.'
Oh, I thought you were
putting it down.
- No, no, no.
- Ha-ha-ha!
Sal, everything she picks,
you want, every one.
[laughter]
And just keep holding them.
This one looks nice.
[laughter]
Keep going. Do it again.
[laughter]
I just was looking, like,
at this one here.
Thank you. Thank you.
[laughter]
She's onto you.
Take the hat off her head.
[laughs]
(Sal)
'She's holding on.
She won't let go!'
I was just looking at it.
- This one.
- 'She's gone!'
[laughter]
She did the old tap on the
shoulder.
- Wow.
- Murr?
Sal, stand right near those
cookie-jar things.
Get somebody's attention
and go, "hey, hey, hey."
Hey, excuse me.
(Murr)
Now slowly push the cookie jar
off the shelf and wink at her.
[laughter]
Now slowly push another one.
Hey, hey.
[laughter]
Sal, push one more cookie jar
off and blame the guy
right in front of you.
- Hey.
- Push the cookie jar.
(Murr)
'Now blame him. Blame him!'
This guy just
pushed a cookie jar.
H-he pushed it, not me.
That guy right there pushed it.
Everybody saw it.
(Murr)
'Oh, he gave you
a stink-eye, man.'
[ding]
Alright, Murr, load your
arms up with shampoo.
And, uh-oh, buddy,
you got a sneeze coming.
'But you can't cover
your own mouth with'
stuff in your hands, buddy.
So, you got to borrow
somebody's hand to sneeze into.
- That's impossible.
- It's not impossible.
- 'Nothing's impossible.'
- 'I've seen you do worse.'
Can you give me
a hand for a sec?
I'm gonna sneeze. Put your hand
out. Put your hand out.
I don't want to sneeze
everywhere.
Just put your hand out
real quick.
I'm gonna sneeze.
Put your hand out.
'He's gonna bite you.
What is he doing?'
Put your hand out.
Hold the paper open.
Ah-choo!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- 'Was that a shopping list?'
- 'A shopping list!'
[laughter]
Red cap.
If I steal stuff,
you got my back.
Psst. "If I steal stuff,
you got my back?"
"No!"
Guy code, man.
[laughter]
Now, Murr, go steal something
in front of him.
[clears throat]
[laughter]
(Q)
'Keep going.
Keep stealing stuff.'
[laughter]
(Joe)
'Ask him if he needs anything.'
'While I'm shopping, do you want
me to get you anything?'
Do you want me
to get you anything?
'Cause you and I are a team.
- Me?
- Me?
- Us.
- Us!
You're in this deep, man.
It's too late to turn back.
[laughter]
Murr, stand right there.
Go, "mommy?"
'Go, go, go, "mommy?"'
Mommy?
- 'Turn. "mommy."'
- Mommy?
You look like a crazy person.
My mother.
- Mom.
- Mom.
I can't find her.
Murray.
She's Mom Murray.
She's Mom Murray.
[laughter]
- Ma?
- You look nuts, you idiot.
My God! He's !
Grab her hand! Grab her hand!
[ding]
Go pick out
the girliest blouse.
'Good. Now put it on.'
[laughter]
Oh, no.
Now get people's opinions,
buddy.
What do you think, champ?
No?
[laughter]
sh**t me straight.
What do you think, buddy?
- Go for it.
- Go for it?
[laughter]
Mixed reviews.
- 'This woman right here.'
- Excuse me.
Do fries come with that
shake?
[laughter]
'She's standing there,
waiting for it.'
Enjoy your day.
[laughter]
[buzzer]
- Joe?
- Mm-hmm.
I got a crazy idea.
I want you to lurk
in the side aisle,
and when I say, "go," I
want you to sh**t across
the aisle as fast as possible.
Wait for the g*n
and just sh**t out?
(Q)
'You just wait
till I tell you. Go!'
Coffee mugs.
[laughter]
- Go!
- Shampoos!
[laughter]
- Go!
- Candles.
[laughter]
- Go! Go, go, go!
- Can openers.
[laughter]
- 'Keep going. Keep going.'
- 'Go!'
Hard candies.
[laughter]
Alright, Joe.
Grab a snack.
- Got it?
- Chocolate-covered pretzels.
And now leave a trail.
Leave a food trail
right down the aisle.
(Sal)
'Yeah, a whole trail
down the aisle.'
[laughs]
- Joe, what's the trail for?
- Sorry.
It's just so my fat son
can find me later.
[laughter]
Michael, I'm in candles!
[laughter]
Michael, I'm moving over
to shampoos.
[laughter]
Over to flatware now, Mikey.
Michael, I'm in housewares.
(male narrator)
Q bought himself a loss.
So, he's first
on the loser board.
We're teaming up to teach
professionals
how to close a deal over lunch.
But the catch is,
our presentations
have been made
by the other team.
At the end of the seminar,
we'll ask the attendees
to raise their hands if they've
learned something valuable.
Whichever team has the fewest
hands raised loses.
- Power lunch.
- Power lunch.
- Lot of business.
- Lot of business going on..
Power!
So, thank you for coming
to our little seminar here
about how to deal with people
over a business meal.
we found there was a real
need for this sort of
education in the business world.
Everyone's been to a bad
business lunch.
Not everyone has necessarily
been to a good one.
- What?
- He's such an idiot.
- Okay, so, let's get started.
- 'You two are gonna lose.'
We are taking this one home
today, boys.
Yeah!
Here we go.
So.. Oh, my God.
[laughing]
[theme music]
- Okay, so, let's get started.
- 'You two are gonna lose.'
We are taking this one home
today, boys.
- Yeah!
- "Power tricks.."
"How to exert confidence
and leadership in simple ways."
So, here's a few ways
to do that..
"Order the most expensive thing
then send it back."
- Do it again.
- So, let's..
You want to just?
We'll do a little play-acting.
I'm here for the
lobster fra diavolo.
Fra diavolo!
So, I'll take
lobster fra diavolo.
Here's your
lobster fra diavolo, sir.
Not good enough. I'm not happy
with the fra diavolo.
Send it back.
It goes back again.
You're showing yourself
in a power position.
[Murr and Sal laugh]
Even if that fra diavolo looks
delicious..
Sir, I have your--
Sir, I'll go find another
establishment to eat at
if this fra diavolo
is not to my liking.
Get this fra diavolo right.
No, they won't be annoyed.
Sir, the fra diavolo
The fra diavolo is not to my
liking. Back to the kitchen.
'The whole thing about the
fra diavolo being right'
is not either here nor there.
The fra diavolo
is the fra diavolo.
[laughing]
Then, the last step
you're gonna want to do is
this is the fra diavolo?
- That's the--
- I'll take a Caesar salad.
You can't spit in a salad.
[Murr and Sal laugh]
Fra diavolo.
That's great. Okay.
Okay, this is an
acceptability of farts
as comparison to the amount
of people in the room.
The more people
that are in the room
there's more people
to blame it on.
[laughing]
The more you can fart,
because then you can be like
"This guy," right?
If you're in a meeting with
just you and I, you know
and I cr*ck a rat..
Cracked a rat?
You're gonna know it's me
'cause there's only two people.
But if there's people
in the room
and I cr*ck a rat, you
don't know if it's me cracking
that rat or
Omar cracking that rat.
[laughing]
Have you ever been in a meeting
and somebody's cracked a rat?
I don't know who did it.
We're just looking at each other
like, "Something smells."
Somebody's cracked a rat.
Yes, that's right.
[laughing]
"When eating a broad."
Uh..
Little space there between..
- Be generous. Definitely.
- 'Be generous.'
Um, you want to make sure
that there's enough
to go around
for everybody.
You know, if there is a spread
of appetizers or anything,
you want to make sure that
everybody's getting a piece.
Wash your hands.
You don't want to be eating
abroad with dirty hands.
(Joe)
Yes.
And then be punctual.
It's important to come on time.
- Yep.
- Yeah.
You definitely don't
want to come first.
'Cause then you're sitting
there by yourself.
So, you just want to try to..
And you don't want to come
second
because then everybody's
waiting around for you.
You're just trying to
come on time.
[laughing]
How many people here
think that they actually
learned something
of value today?
Just show of hands.
Did anybody learn
anything of value?
Two, two, three.
You learned something of
value, yeah?
- Oh, no.
- Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
[ding]
You all deal with sales
in some capacity
or clients
in some capacity.
We're going to teach you
how to close a deal
over a business lunch.
Let's begin.
[laughs]
Okay. Now have a move to
accentuate your point.
Show them your moves, boys.
What I would try to do
is show my disdain
in a lighter fashion.
So, I would actually use..
I'm not sure I agree with you.
[Joe and Q laugh]
Well, there are moves that
are supposed to be assertive
but not confrontational.
Someone says, "We're not gonna
"be able to close the merger.
"Third-quarter sales are down.
What have you?"
I'd be like, "What the what?"
[Joe and Q laugh]
Let's move on.
[Joe and Q laugh]
An easy tip calculator.
A lot of phones
have it as an app now,
by the way, and it
automatically calculates it.
But the calculation going on
in the background
is this formula.
Just get the app,
and you'll be fine.
But now, we'll solve the..
[Joe and Q laugh]
So, the easy tip calculator
that we've generated is here.
Sal, you want to explain?
[Joe and Q laugh]
Sal, help him, man.
What are you doing?
N here, this will represent
the country's tax, right?
Look like it's not
making any sense.
Okay, is gonna
remain a constant
but you want to get
rid of the denominator.
So, you're gonna multiply..
Look at the look.
Look at him.
'...percent.
This is gonna equal .'
And of course you want to
square-root it.
So, the square root of and
is something around .
This is over . . Now, we know
we want to inverse that.
You divide.
So, you're gonna move two
decimal places over.
So, the . .
This is gonna end up
being on a $ bill
roughly a $ tip, or %.
[Joe and Q laugh]
That wraps up our seminar.
And what we'd like to do,
to help us
improve our presentation,
can we ask you
by a show of hands,
how many of you feel
you've learned something
valuable here today?
- Alright, that's %.
- Oh, man.
I can't believe this.
(both)
Hot dog!
(male narrator)
Looks like Joe and Q will be
lunching on the loser board.
Let's face it.
We are no runners.
Speak for yourself.
We're at Jack Rabbit's
sports helping customers
find some sneakers.
While working the sales
floor, we'll have to do and
say what the other guys tell us.
If you refuse to do or say
anything, you lose!
This is Joker vs. Joker
challenge.
Long hair versus
short-shorts.
[laughter]
Yeah, you better run!
(male narrator)
It's Q and Murr in the
Joker vs. Joker challenge.
Look at this
'tween girl's legs.
I'm in a running store. I'm
gonna wear my running shorts.
They look like twigs
with shoes.
[laughter]
- Hi.
- Hi. How are you, sir?
- James.
- Peter.
Peter, nice to meet you.
Give me a little background
as to your running experience.
I've been running now for
a long time. Probably..
Yawn. Yawn in his face.
I could do four miles,
five miles.
Excuse me.
Um, so, I need
something that's gonna..
Yawn.
You know, my hips.
[laughter]
- Excuse me.
- Am I boring you?
No, no, no.
It's the midday blues.
[laughter]
Okay, come on up here.
Alright, I'm going to track
the gait of your running, okay?
And afterward,
we'll watch the video
and I will show you
what I see. That's great.
See, we're just tracking
the gait of your running.
Alright, Murr,
you got that little
foot camera down by his feet?
- 'Yeah, the foot-cam.'
- 'Right.'
(Q)
'There you go, my friend.'
(Joe)
And just grab that video camera
and hold it up to his ass.
(Q)
'Zoom in right now,
right up to his ass.'
[laughter]
(Sal)
'There you go.
Right there. Hold it.'
Murr, let's analyze.
Stop it and play back
the tape to him.
Okay, good, good, good.
Let's take a look.
Good.
And the legs are jogging.
'See, you're working it..'
[Jokers laughter]
And here..
[laughter continues]
Nice glutes.
- I guess.
- Let me ask you something.
Do you mind if I take
a copy of this home?
[laughter]
Do you mind..
...if I take
a copy of this video
home with me today?
[laughter]
That's kind of weird, no?
[laughter]
Tell me what's happening.
What are you looking for?
- What's your background?
- Before we get started..
- Before we get started..
- Nice ponytail, cupcake.
Oh-oh-oh-oh.
[laughter]
- Nice.
- Somebody's got to say it.
Tell me what's happening.
What are you looking for?
- What's your background?
- Before we get started..
- Before we get started..
- Nice ponytail, cupcake.
Oh-oh-oh-oh.
[laughter]
- Nice.
- Somebody's got to say it.
I'm at a loss!
[laughter]
Okay, what size are you?
- / .
- / .
Q looks like a villain
from an ' 's movie.
- Yeah, a kung fu movie.
- / .
- Golden.
- Booya!
- Those are the ones.
- Did you try on socks?
- Yeah.
- I'll get you some socks.
Hey, one more thing, buddy.
Hey, one other thing, buddy.
- You want weed?
- Ha-ha-ha!
[bleep]
[laughter]
- You-you want weed?
- I'm good.
You're good?
These are what I'm wearing
right now.
- Those feel good?
- Yeah.
You want to try them out on
the treadmill?
- Yeah, I'd like to.
- Okay, great.
Yeah! Alright.
Start, like, at three.
How's that sound?
- Nice and easy.
- Yeah, I can handle that.
- Great.
- Hop on the treadmill.
Get on with him.
Get on with him.
- Get on with him!
- Get on with him!
(Joe)
'Oh, my god! Oh, my god!'
He knocked over the camera!
- I don't know what happened.
- 'You idiot!'
Your fat feet
couldn't run fast enough!
[ laughter ]
Alright, alright.
[ding]
(male narrator)
Q had a good run
but he's still
tonight's big loser.
- Q is this week's loser!
- Yes!
And for your punishment,
we're gonna send you out
and about for
a little video scavenger hunt.
The thing is,
Q's right arm
is in a cast
and he can't move it at all.
It doesn't move.
You're gonna have to go out
there
and film whatever we tell you to
until we tell you to stop.
I hate you.
(all)
We love you!
This is horrible.
You're like a teapot
with a video camera.
You're short and stout.
So, you got that down.
Oh, if we could only get a clear
sh*t of a man's left nipple.
Oh, come on.
Oh, wait! There's one.
- Oh, come on.
- 'Yep.'
It's a manual zoom,
meaning use your feet.
I have no way to defend
myself.
- Get over there!
- Oh, I can't. That's crazy.
Q, just go in and get it.
Come on!
I have no way to defend
myself, like if somebody
takes a swing at me.
Oh, if we could only
get a clear sh*t
of a man's left nipple.
Oh, come on.
Oh, wait! There's one.
- Oh, come on.
- 'Yep.'
- He's doing it.
- Oh, my God.
- He's getting the sh*t.
- Q, get this guy's beans.
- Which beans?
- My testers.
- Which testers?
- Chick peas.
Your garbanzos?
[laughs]
[laughter]
[gasps]
I'm just getting those beans.
[laughter]
Sorry.
He just called me lobster man.
[laughter]
Hey, Q, there's a guy there
with huge headphones.
See him?
The guy staring at me like he
wants to k*ll me?
- That's him.
- Okay.
Let's get a sh*t of his left
earlobe.
I'm gonna have to
lift the headphones.
- You got it. Good, good.
- 'Okay, okay.'
- He's smart. You're so smart.
- Okay.
- Alright, alright.
- 'He's going in now.'
- 'You got go do it, man.'
- Oh, god. Alright.
Hey, um.. This..
- Can I just..
- Oh, yeah!
Yep. I got it. I got it.
- I got it.
- 'Alright, man.'
We're gonna get a little
cinematic.
We're gonna want the inside
of a porta-potty.
[laughs]
'We need degrees, like'
'door shut, inside
of the porta-potty.'
It stinks from here.
You're complaining
about having just to
stand in the porta-potty?
I dug through [bleep] twice.
No, no, you dug..
Yeah, you did dig through
[bleep] twice.
I'm gonna throw up.
Oh, my god,
it's [bleep] leaking.
- I got no time for this.
- What are you gonna do, Joe?
- No, no, no, get away from me.
- You're like a bad dog.
- Get away from me.
- You can't run.
Get away from me!
Oh, God!
Oh, no!
No, no, please don't do this.
- Oh, my God.
- What are you filming?
- What does it look like?
- Aah!
It's [bleep] floating in water.
- Oh, my God.
- He's going in.
He's going in.
He's going in.
Aah!
[laughter]
Aah!
(Joe)
'Sal's coming out to say hey.'
What, what is this?
We need you to film the
inside of the fountain.
- Okay, of course.
- Just go and get in there.
This is our version of
"waterworld."
You're a stupid [bleep]
Alright, buddy, get in there.
- And there you go.
- 'Aw..'
'Yeah, right in there!'
[laughter]
Get the sh*t! Commit to it!
- 'Yeah, there it is!'
- 'Oh, my God!'
His once-a-year
cleaning is done.
02x28 - Trouble sh**t
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.