03x04 - Play Lady Play

[bunniefuu]

-Is it true, Greg clipping the lawyer?
-Yep

I already flipped out and he h*jacked
a bus with a bowling trophy.

-Have you been talking to Jane?
-Yeah.

She was in here earlier, she got
moon pies, and generic vodka.

Her Mom must be in town.

Yeah, Greg just took a break from
the loft so he could relax and enjoy life.

Excuse me miss,
when you advertise double coupons,

aren't you legally obligated
to double whatever the value?

Only the first dollar.

Just answer the question
yes or no, please.

-It's not that simple.
-Just answer the question, please.

It's nice, because now
we get to grocery shop together.

Is Back-up with $ . ,
does that seem correct to you?

You don't have to answer that. Honey

don't you want to take
a relaxing drive down to the beach,

to watch the beautiful sunset?

Just a sec.
They're on special for cents a can.

Would you read for everyone
the advertised price on this beverage?

-It says cents a can.
-And what is times six?

I need a key.

-Honey, we're going to miss the sunset.
-There'll be one tomorrow.

- times six, that's a $ . , isn't it?
-Say yes.

Sir, the individual cans are on special,
not the six pack.

Oh, sh*t. Just say yes.

Can you belive this?

Essentially they're charging cents
for the plastic can holder.

I know, it's an outrage.

Honey look!

The woman who took up
two parking spots is loading up her car.

Perfect, I want to see her face
when she reads my notes.

Hey, thank you for being so patient.

The impulse items on me;
Gum, batteries.

Look at this, baby born
with blowhole, who wants it?

All right,

now just follow your breath.

In with tranquillity.

And we're breathing out love and kindness.

The woman in the Explorer apologized.

Good.

Now why don't we let that go
and just stay with our breath.

It was kind of a half-hearted apology.

Breathe in.

Now fill your lungs filling with oxygen.

Feel that oxygen-rich blood travelling

through your veins
to your fingers to your…

-Arteries.
-I'm sorry.

Oxygenated blood travels out
through your arteries,

then it travels back through your veins.

-Thank you for that.
-No problem.

Ignore that,

let's keep going.

-It could be the pizza I ordered.
-You ordered a pizza!

I thought you wanted to meditate.

You said it would take a half an hour.

I meant around half an hour.

Dharma…

I don't know what's in your head

unless you say it.

Sometimes that's a good thing.

I'll grab us a couple of beers.

-Hi Donald!
-Hi Dhrama!

You left your debit card at the market.

It's not a smart move.

Lost or stolen debit cards don't offer
the same legal protection as credit cards.

-Is that the pizza?
-No, it's Donald.

I left my debit card at the market.

How could you forget your debit card.

I don't know.

Maybe I got distracted when the woman
in the Explorer tried to back over you.

Noted, but you should be aware
that debit cards

don't offer the same protection
as credit cards.

That's the word on the street.

Would you like to come hang with us,
we ordered pizza.

I can't

I got band practice.

-Did you guys ever come up with a name?
-Not yet.

I want to call it "Apollo's Army"
after the Greek God of music,

but Stewie wants to call it "Snot".

Well, they're both…

Timeless.

No, no, hold on.

Can we not stipulate

that when I placed my order
a covenant was created

between me, the pizza order
and you, the pizza maker.

Or should I say alleged pizza maker,

because I've seen
no evidence to support the claim.

No, I am calm, I am very calm.

Look pal, I meditate.

Hey, would you mind if I come

and listen to your rehearse.

Sure, I mean we're not going to be
very good, our drummer's out with mono.

Can you hold on a second?

Hello!

Good, yes I was in your supermarket
earlier today

and I bought some soda.

Can you hold on for a second?

Do you need a drummer
cause I used to play.

-Yeah sure.
-Let's go.

What about the pizza?

I have a feeling that when it gets here
it's gonna have spit on it.

I'm gonna go play drums
in Donald's band, bye.

OK.

Again…

The individual soda cans were on
sale for cents…

You play drums?

We look like "Apollo's Army",

but we sound more like snot,
so we'll probably go with "Snot".

So you guys need a guitar player?

No.

Roadie?

Sorry.

How about if I just stand in the back,
and yell free bird.

-Dharma, has Greg changed his diet?
-No, why?

-Is he getting enough sleep?
-Yeah.

How are his bowel movements?

Abby, is there a problem?

Yeah, your husband's out there acting like
a big fat ass, pardon my French.

I know, he's driving me nuts.

He keeps arguing about everything,
It doesn't matter what.

He has to be right,

and if you disagree with him,
he just keeps pushing and pushing.

Sounds like a bowel problem to me.

It's unbelievable.

Abby every time I say anything
I feel like I'm on trial.

Well maybe that's it.

I mean, since Greg stopped being a lawyer.

-That energy has to come out somehow.
-Right.

Like when Larry quit being a Rodeo Clan
but couldn't stop taunting bulls.

That was a bad year.

I don't know what to do,
I tried everything and was so patient,

I've meditated with him till my mantra's
starting to annoy me, nothing works.

Have you tried engaging that energy,
arguing back at him?

You want me to fight with him?

If you don't he might feel compelled
to get his needs met outside the home.

But I hate arguing.

Do you love him?

Dharma, if we're gonna make
band practice we should go.

I completely disagree.

Honey, it's rush hour.

No, it's not.

How can you say that?

I didn't.

What's her problem?

She loves you very very much.

All right,

All right, that's the first time
we all finished simultaneously.

That's the first time
we actually played the same song.

Hello!

-Hey, you must be Oliver's Mom?
-Yes, I am.

-And you are?
-I'm Dharma Montgomery.

And this is my husband Greg.

-Hello.
-Hello.

And what are you doing here
Mrs Montgomery?

I'm the funky backbone
to this rock and roll beast.

Dharma is taking Eddie's place
because he has mononucleosis,

which is erroneously
known as kissing disease.

Especially with Eddie.

Excuse me, what did you pay for this soda?

I don't recall.

OK, I guess I'll be back in the house.

Should you need me for any reason kids?

Any reason at all?

I want this door left open.

Martin, there's a grown woman
playing with Oliver…

So, Mr Montgomery, what do you think?

You guys are great,

although, Dharma, I think you were
dragging the tempo just a little bit.

-Really, that's what you think?
-I'm afraid so.

Well, I'm afraid you're wrong,
I was rock steady.

Honey, I put my stopwatch to it.

You went from beats a minute
down to , and then back up to .

Thanks.

You can't keep time on a watch.

Honey, listen to yourself.
That's what watches do.

I know what watches do.

Well, you don't have to get defensive.

Wrong again, I wasn't being defensive,
I was being argumentative.

No, you know you were having
an emotional reaction in an argument

you state facts to support your case.

-OK, you want a fact I rocked.
-No.

"I rocked" is your thesis,

you can't restate your thesis
as a supporting fact.

Now you're just making stuff up.

Oliver, you wouldn't
happen to have a copy of

the American Ddebating
Society Rules, would you?

No, but we could download it off the net.

-We'll be right back.
-No, no you don't have to show me.

We are not the only house on this street.

-Sorry.
-OK.

Sorry, my foot slept.

Give me the tranquillity juices
with extra antioxidants.

I'm drinking to forget.

Dharma you've had a lot of…

I don't need a lecture.

Give me a shout of spirulina,
and keep them coming.

-Do you want to talk about it?
-No.

I just figured out why
they call these things smoothies.

I just can't argue any more,
I'm exhausted.

Last night,

I woke him up because he was snoring,
he said he wasn't,

and I said how would you know,
you were sleeping.

Three hours later I'm forced to admit that
since I had no witness I have no case.

You have to mow to get
a wheatgrass around here.

Where is he now?

I needed a break, so I told him

his parents said he had
a very happy childhood.

I give you exhibit c, a telegram
from a hotel in Mallorca Spain.

"Dear Gregory,

Sorry to hear camp "sucks".

Fondly Mom and Dad"

May I say something?

You'll be given an opportunity
to rebut, I suggest…

you take notes.

Thanksgiving break ,

a flight home from boarding school,

did my mother and father
meet me at the airport?

For heaven's sakes, we sent you a stretch.

"We sent you a stretch."

Your mother wanted to send a town car.

Edward you're not helping.

Dharma he's a trained lawyer,
he argues for a living.

If you play by his rules he's
just gonna wear you down.

She's right, Greg and I
are professional litigators.

I mean you can't ask an ordinary person
to successfully argue…

Shut your pie hole!

You gotta get in there,
you gotta hit him hard.

Fighting is like sex,

the dirtier the better.

I don't want to fight dirty.

Do you love him Dharma.

All right

all right.

Thank you.

Okay

we'll be back in .

Meanwhile enjoy my parents cocktail party.

We are…

Snot's Army.

-You guys sound great.
-Thanks.

Thanks a lot.

-Really?
-Rocksteady.

But…?

But nothing.

OK, I don't get this one.

Hey guys, you remember my parents?

-Oh yes, hi! Nice to see you.
-Hi.

Hi -How do you do?

Thanks for helping Donald
keep his little combo together.

It's so healthy for him
to have outside activities.

Well, it's not combo, it's a band.

Well, actually son it's either.

Of course if you had a string
and brass section you'd be an orchestra.

And technically an orchestra
also requires woodwinds.

Well, anyway

we think Donald's really cool
we like hanging out with him.

Do you hear that Danny d*ck.

We think he's pretty cool too.

Oh, Donald honey you're sweating.

Go and wash with an astringent,

while your pores are open.

Mom!

-Great set Donald.
-Thank you.

This band is a big breakthrough for him.

He has trouble making friends.

It's just cause he's so smart
he has trouble communicating

with kids his own age.

Intelligence has nothing to do with it.

He just has poor socialization skills.

That's what I just said.

No, it isn't. Ability to get along with
others has nothing to do with intellect.

Well it's been my experience that many
bright people can be extremely annoying.

Donald, however, is just a little shy.

See, you've just proved my point.

Shyness is a result
of poor socialization skills.

Donald can't get along with other people

because his parents didn't teach him how.

No offence.

No honey,
Donald can't get along with others

because he was raised by a father
who quotes encyclopedias at him.

No offense.

No, it's because he has a mother
who thinks it's all right

to point out her son zits
in public, no offense.

I don't think you're in any position

to point to somebody else's mother
as being a poor parent.

You want to drag my mother into this.

I'll dig up your grandma if I have to.

OK, all right.

My mother may have been a little distant,

but that doesn't change my point

that the reason Donald gets pansed
every day by the chess club

is because he's the pasty offspring
of Mr and Mrs Poindexter here

no offense -None taken.

I don't see

how you can point to your mother as being
distant when she lives inside your head.

OK, you want to talk about
mothers and fathers,

let's talk about a woman who can't
call her parents mother and father

because that would make them
authority figures.

That is true, the titles mother
and father do establish.

Shut up!

Oh my god, look Greg,
I found your mother's heart.

Melt it and we've got your father's brain.

Well, at least my father is affectionate.

Your father can't…

-You want to go?
-Yeah.

It's kind of nice to embarrass ourselves

in front of somebody else's parents
for a change.

Dharama, thank you.

-For what?
-For arguing with me.

For showing me how
my obsession with being right

has kept me from achieving
any peace of mind and serenity…

That's not exactly why I did it.

Well

it worked it doesn't matter why.

Well no,

because you're a lawyer and you had
no outlet for your argumentative nature,

so I was just kind of letting you
get it out of your system.

OK, whatever.

No, not whatever. I want you to see
the difference here.

It doesn't matter.

Yes it does, I want the record
to correctly reflect my motivations.

So stipulated.

No, don't you stipulate me,
I'm right and I can prove it.

Dhrama, there's nothing to prove.

Yes, there is everything to prove
and nothing to gain.

You're not making any sense.

So you agree?

I'm so sorry we had
to kick you out of the band.

-But my parents sort of insisted.
-Yeah.

-It's OK.
-You see their point.

-Yeah, they're doing the right thing.
-Yeah.

Well, here's your cut of our gig.

$ . , Super sweet.

I fill out a W- , so you'll have $ .
at the end of the year.

Okay I'll set some aside.

I should get going, because
I'm not supposed to be here.

Gotcha bye.

Bye Don.

So, what now?
The drums go back to your parents?

No, actually I have a chance
to audition for another band.

Really?

-Want to come along?
-No I don't think so

I've kind of had my fill of garage bands.

-It'll be fun.
-It's OK.

It's your thing, you don't need me
tagging along.

All right

I don't want to argue.

A one, a two, a three, a four…

All right, fine you counted it.

I'll count it in.

One, two… one two two.

Yeah -cool…

OK, Bob.

You want to see anything else?

What about a Merengue?

-Polka?
-let me see, you play Polka and I'll see.

That's kind of too funky
for your style, right?

Not at all.

So can I play with you guys?
Do I get the job?

Well, we don't know yet.

Do you want me to play some more,

-so you can decide?
-No.

I got a van.

-You got a van?
-Can you guys help me load up my stuff?

Sure.

Cool okay.