03x05 - I Did It For You, Kitty

[bunniefuu]

Hello!

Anybody home?

Party was at eight, right? I thought so.

Kitty?

Quiet...

no shouting. You'll wake it.

- Wake what?
- Damon.

Demon, Demon.

She means your mother.

I finally got her to sleep.

What about the party,
where where are the other guests?

- They run away.
- Where's my father?

In the garage, in the Mercedes.

- Why?
- Because it's b*llet-proof?

Celia!

She's alive.

What do you think?

Well, I think one of us
should go talk to your Dad.

And I think you should go
talk to your Mom.

- I know what you just did.
- Me too. Go with God.

♪ What do you get
when you kiss a guy? ♪

♪ You get enough germs
to catch pneumonia. ♪

♪ Then when you do ♪

♪ he'll never phone you, ♪
♪ & never fall in love again. ♪

Oh, hi Dharma.

- How are you?
- Pretty good.

What are you doing out here?

Listening to the radio,
reading my owner's manual.

What else is new?

Well, your mother-in-law
is going through women trouble.

I see, regular ordinary women trouble?

No, no, I think this might be the big one.

I think she's going through menopause.

Like Sherman through Atlanta.

Jeez, Ed this is a very natural process,
there is nothing to be afraid of.

- It's locked.
- Hurry!

In fact, this is good for both of you.

No more worries about birth control.

And you can be as spontaneous
and loving as you want.

You should be celebrating not hiding.

Let me in.

- Are you alone?
- Open the damn door.

Go! Go! Go!

Here you are.

- Hello!
- Hi!

Hello!

What a pleasant surprise.

Come in! Come in!

It's colder than
a well digger's ass in here.

So, what do I owe the pleasure?

Kitty, I brought Abby along,
I thought she might be able to help you.

Help me with what?

I'm a certified
menstrual termination counselor.

Excuse me!

She took a course
at the Goddess institute.

It was part of their midwife
to midlife program.

Anyway Kitty, I'm an expert...

{\an }and I can love and guide you
through this mystical transition...

at no charge of course, we're family.

That's very sweet of you Abby dear...

but there's no problem here.

-OK.
-OK.

-Well, this was a good first session.
- Yes.

And if you need me...

call me.

OK, let's go Dharma.

- That's it?
- I know what I'm doing.

Bye-bye.

Hang in there, Kitty.

Fine, go, go.

Everybody leaves me.

This wasn't supposed to happen to me.

I know sister, I know.

Hey, it'll be OK, sister.

I was such a beautiful girl.

- And now you're a beautiful woman.
- No, you don't understand.

You don't understand, I was stunning.

I was, drop dead,
leave your wife, gorgeous.

Look! Look!

Ballet, Balls!

Here I am, look at my skin glistening
as I'm riding prince Rupert.

It's a horse.

What's that?

That's the Miss Teen Sausalito bath
and tennis club pageant.

Hey! Second place, good for you Kitty.

Oh! What's that?

Well, that's young Miss Newport beach.

Second place again.

What about that?

Santa Barbara...

-Miss Congeniality.
-You're kidding?

All these contests
I never won any of them.

But Kitty, you've gained wisdom,
and experience...

and every bit of it shows on your face.

Hey, look at this one!

Here you are with the first place trophy.

- Where?
- There with the pretty yellow Labrador.

No, that's the dog's trophy.

Yeah, she was best of Show at Westminster.

At least she let you hold it.

And you know what came with that trophy?

Aura Hatira?

No.

-My father's love.
-Oh Kitty!

I want to be a beauty queen.

Of course you do. But Kitty...

wouldn't it be more fulfilling...

if you threw off the shackles
of estrogen enslavement...

and took your rightful
place as an elder of the tribe.

I said I want to be a beauty queen!

Go! Go!

This is San Francisco, huh?

It's only a beauty contest
for a woman of her age...

where she doesn't need
a Harley or a stump.

Come on Pete, let's get going.

- See you later.
- Bye.

- OK cool, this is the one we'll do.
- What are they doing?

Mrs San Francisco pageant celebrates...

the beauty and sophistication
of the mature married woman.

You can't enter my mother
in a beauty contest.

- It's her dream.
- It's my nightmare.

Fine...

you call her and tell her she can't enter.

Well, what exactly has she be doing?

Jane.

It's a piece of cake…

Evening gown, sing a song,
save the world, boom!

Beauty contest.

If I can do it, anybody can do it.

I'm not gonna have
to look at my mother in a...

bathing suit in high heels, am I?

Not unless you ask her nice.

I have to go now.

- Come on Pete.
- Let's go.

This is sweet, the contestant's husband
reads a love poem...

during the evening gown competition.

What do you mean,
if I can do it anybody can do it?

You didn't tell Pete you won
a bunch of teen beauty pageants?

- No.
- Why not?

I'm sleeping with a beauty queen.

Come on, let's tell the guys.

Because of that.

Hey Cilea, where is she?

She's everywhere...

like the Chupa-cabra.

Excuse me, I have to take
Mr Montgomery his lunch.

Coming Mr Montgomery!

- Hello!
- Close the door you're letting in a draft.

Sorry.

Oh, hot!

What are you trying to do in here,
cure a ham?

I had to chill.

- What are you writing?
- Revising Edward's will.

What can I do for you?

Well, remember how you said you
always wanted to be a beauty queen?

No.

Kitty?

Remember Miss congeniality,
the yellow Labrador, your daddy's love?

Oh yes.

Well I found the perfect pageant for you.

Mrs San Francisco?

- Is this a pageant for older women?
- No.

No, it's not. It's for married women
of all ages over .

Over ?

You know what, this was a bad
idea, thought up by a bad person...

you remember Jane?

So conceivably, I would be
the youngest contestant?

Not conceivably definitely.

Surrounded by a bunch of old bitties?

Which would be bad
and I told Jane that you would...

Dharma...

I love it.

I knew you would.

So let us get cracking.

I will need...

a dress a talent a philosophy of life.

Come Dharma, you have work to do.

Oh boy I'm on the kiddie coaster now.

Dharma!

Aren't you coming to bed?

As soon as I finish
your Mom's homemade dress.

I thought contestants
had to make their own dress.

So did I.

Hey, do you happen to know
your mother's cup size?

Nope, but if I did I'm pretty sure
I'd have to k*ll myself.

Good night.

This is just terrific, if it
could be exactly like this.

Except lose the sleeves, not so poofy.
And...

what do we think of the color?

Well, I guess we don't like it,
even-though we picked it out.

Good. Now I've decided on
my talent; Tap dancing.

Will it be difficult to put
taps on these shoes?

Well yeah sort of.

Then you better get started
because I need them by the morning.

Come to bed honey,
the elves will take care of that.

- Cute.
- Thank you.

By the way, your Mom's C-cup.

Firm and perky C-cup.

Oh, the lines of this are just perfect.

There's a little too much activity
back here.

And what do we think of the color?

We hate it.

You read my mind.

Now I've been thinking
about the tap dancing.

- How's that going?
- I don't care for it.

I was thinking that
I used to play the harp.

- The harp, you say.
- The harp.

Oh, I broke a nail.

How's my mother's baton twirling?

A little sloppy.

We're gonna try flower arranging.

OK...

I owe a really big favor to a clown,
friend of mine, but here you go.

- Take it back Dharma.
- Why?

This whole preparing thing,
it's just too much work.

I am exhausted.

Do you have any idea,
what kind of favor a clown asks for?

Well I'm sorry but it's just too much,
for me I'm going to withdraw.

What?

You can't do that.

- Why not?
- Why not?!

Kitty!

I have sowned for you.

I have schlepped for you,
I have cobbled for you.

I nearly poked my eye out.

And I'm getting a seamstress hump.

And this...

Kitty, do you see that?

Oh my gosh, I wonder how you get that.
Do you know how you get that, Kitty?

Do you know how you get that?

A harp has to fall on you.

But you know what...

I don't mind all of that because
I wasn't doing it for myself...

I was doing it for you Kitty.

This is your dream and you deserve
to go out there and live it.

- But Dharma...
- Don't but me.

You get your second place ass
on that unicycle, and start juggling.

No, you don't understand,
her talent is clever party conversation...

unless there are other people
on stage for her to be clever with.

She's just can't stand there
talking to herself.

Well, check into it.

What are you people doing
sitting around...

Come on, this is D-day,
this is not a drill.

- You told us we were in the way.
- And I'm about to tell you again.

Where's your father?

Probably in the car.

Did he finish the poem,
he's supposed to read...

during the evening gown competition?

I don't know.

What is this a game to you?!

Well, if it is, it isn't a very fun one.

I'm sorry you're not having a good time...

but unless all the horses are
pulling in the same direction...

I'm never gonna win this thing.

What do you mean by
I'm never going to win?

I mean your mother; Kitty.
I, me, I couldn't care less.

Take the last look
before I load her in the car.

Oh my God, her eyes are all puffy.

Did you let her have salt?

She had a bag of pretzels taped
to the back of the toilet t*nk.

I did not put them there,
they must have been Edward's.

You know I don't think you want to win.

I do, I do, I do.

Well, winners don't eat things they find
taped to the back of toilet tanks.

Jane, go slap a couple of tea bags
under those eyes. And you two...

Go find Edward
and hold him upside down...

until a poem falls out of him.

Mother...

I think you look beautiful.

Thank you.

Did you not hear me?

You married your mother.

Dad, you you've had three
weeks to write this thing.

But what's wrong with it? It rhymed.

Roses are red, violets are pretty,
the gal in the dress is my wife Kitty?

You got a gift Ed.

It was easy once I got too pretty.

And two parts compassion...

garnished...

with a sprig of generosity...

and that, Gary,
is my recipe for a better world.

Well that's a spoon that I'd like to lick.

Well, thank you Mrs Kitty Montgomery.

Our next contestant
is Ms. Elaine Bartlett!

Yeah that was all good.

I think you strayed a little bit
from our speech.

This is showbiz I was at Libby.

The judges may have been confused...

when you ad-libbed the phrase
Catholics and other people of color.

Really, I thought that was rather liberal.

OK, let's not dwell on it.

We still have a good sh*t
to win this thing.

Now this is Francis Webber.

That's we, Ginger.

We're dead.

-Hard as a card.
-Why Daddy why?

Come on dad,
you've got to write this poem.

I'm sorry, I just don't know what to say.

OK, when you first met
mother what were you thinking?

Exactly, what was I thinking?

- I mean, what did you think of her?
- Well, I...

I thought she was kind of stacked
for a skinny girl.

What is she, about B-cup? C-cup?

Ohh Pete.

I'm sorry I came here to support Kitty...

but I just can't watch that exploitation
of women one second longer.

I agree. It's different when you
have the young ones in bathing suits.

Larry, that's worse.

Yes it is.

Worse and different...

I agree with Abby.

Kitty doesn't need to traipse up and down
the stage to prove how beautiful she is.

She's beautiful every moment of the day.

In the morning when she's sipping
her tea in the garden.

Don't stop!

Tell us more. Write down everything.

Got it.

Sometimes when I look at Kitty...

I can't believe how lucky I am
to be married to such an angel.

- I hope you're getting all this.
- I'm on top of it.

So many wonderful moments...

don't miss a word, he's half in
the bag and he'll never remember it.

My heart is full...

that's why I'm sharing...

these words of love...

for my dear wife...

Sharon.

Wasn't that lovely ladies and gentlemen?

Thank you so much.

Ed, do you have a poem?

Larry!

Jane, Vaseline!

And now...

Mrs Kitty Montgomery,
and the poem of her husband, Edward.

- Who's the queen?
- I'm the queen.

- Who's got the power?
- I got the power.

Go! Go!

"Sometimes when I look at Kitty...

"I can't believe how lucky I am...

"to be married to such an angel.

"I hope you're getting all this down."

"I'm on top of it."

"So many wonderful moments...

"don't miss a word.

"He's half in the bag,
he'll never remember it.

"Like the day I first saw her..."

"Shouldn't we go back in there
and watch grannies on parade?"

"Hey, that's not nice, but it's true.

"Who ordered the jagermeister?

"I did.

"Oh Larry..."

"Are you going to drink?"

"No, thanks. Nuts give me gas?"

Thank you, Mrs Kitty Montgomery...

Dharma, you told her.

Maybe not.

And now, finally in our talent
competition this evening...

a woman whose courage has been
an inspiration to all of us this evening.

Mrs Francis Weber will now sing
"Looking through the eyes of love..."

While signing the
words for the benefit of...

her... hearing impaired
adopted Cambodian daughter.

Where is the Dharma?

It's everything I have...

What are you doing? Exposing a fraud.

- What the hell is she doing?
- I don't know, I hardly ever know.

Oh, come on lady, you can see me.

What's going on?
I'm sorry to interrupt this pageant...

but I saw this woman putting
makeup on in the mirror...

pretending to be blind lady
is not a talent...

Who are you?

Why are you doing this to my sister?

Sister? Yes, my sister, my blind sister.

Please get off the stage.

Can't I just explain one thing?

Actually it's a very funny story.

Hit the road blondie.

Come on Dharma!

Well, if anybody wants a really
funny story meet me in the lobby.

Don't worry your mommy's gonna win.

Don't b*at yourself up Kitty,
we'll get them next year.

Kitty...

I'm sorry about that
business with the poem.

That's all right Edward.

Abby told me the lovely things
you said about me in the bar.

- Well, she did?
- Yes.

Well, I meant every word.

I'm sorry you didn't win.

I would have voted for you.

That's very sweet
of you Edward, thank you.

- Well, it's getting late.
- Yes, we'd better turn in.

Good night Edward.

Good night kitty.

Oh you look absolutely beautiful...

and you? You have lost weight.

He's divorced.

I absolutely know...

please come, I want you to meet him.

No no no I insist.

Darling, I want you to meet Myrtle.

She's from Detroit,
don't hold it against her.