03x07 - Fairway to Heaven

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Dharma & Greg". Aired: September 24, 1997 – April 30, 2002.*
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Free-spirited Dharma, a yoga instructor and dog trainer, meets and falls for polar opposite Greg, a Harvard-educated U.S. attorney.
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03x07 - Fairway to Heaven

Post by bunniefuu »

So, Gregory.

How is everything going
with your plan to...

What is it exactly?

Waste his life.

That's it.

I can't believe you'd invited us
over for dinner

and give me nothing but grief.

I just wanted to give you grief,

your mother insisted on serving a meal.

Greg is not wasting his life.

He's on a path to spiritual enlightenment
and I think we should all support him.

Fine.

Thank you.

Sorry.

Do you need another napkin?

Or do you just want to use
your Harvard diploma?

We're family, you don't need
to break out the fancy stuff.

You know, I don't need
to sit here and take this.

Gregory, I am sorry.

It's just that

I'm worry about you.

I know how difficult it will be for you

to have parents
that other people look down on.

See honey, it is about you.

Just that you haven't worked in months,
people are starting to talk.

I tried to cover for you,

told everyone you were at Betty Ford.

Then a Bunny Stanton
comes back from Betty Ford,

makes a complete fool out of me.

To Bunny!

Listen you guys, Greg is
going to figure out what he wants to do.

It's just going to take some time.

And you're comfortable
with bringing home the bacon,

or whatever it is you people eat?

That's what you do
for someone you love Edward.

I'm sure if you want to take some time off
and find another path,

Kitty would go out and get a job.

-What is that?
-Nothing, nothing.

Fail now Edward, turn into the skin.

Kitty goes to work.

Hello I'm Kitty Montgomery,

I'm here to work.

They're so narrow-minded, God.

Get off the treadmill for a couple of
months and suddenly I'm wasting my life.

Greg you can't let your parents
get in your head.

You're right, you're right.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

Damn it Dharma, I'm wasting my life.

Kitty, Edward, get out of there.

I got to go back to work,
I got to do something.

-OK, what do you want to do?
-I don't know.

Whatever it is, it's got to be important.

Not that I need recognition so much,

I just need a sense of purpose,
of serving the greater good.

OK, then you definitely don't want
to go back to being a lawyer.

I just wish I knew what it was.

Greg, you're making this too hard.
Just follow your bliss.

Find the thing that makes you happy,

all the other stuff
will take care of itself.

Easy for you to say.

I can't think of anything
that makes me happy.

I can think of one thing.

I don't want to catch you
making a living at it.

Dharma, are you sleeping?

Sleeping?

Never mind I can wait till morning.

What?

I figured it out.

I know how to make myself happy.

Then why did you wake me?

No, no. I was thinking about what
you said, and all of a sudden it hit me.

-What?
-My bliss.

Tell me

golf.

Golf?!

I'm gonna spend the
rest of my life playing golf.

Whack a little ball with
a stick, that golf?

I'm pretty good and I figure,
if I practice eight hours a day,

by the time I'm
I can go on the senior tour.

?

You're .

years, plenty of time.

Golf?

Golf.

OK, well great.

Thank you so much.

A lot of wives wouldn't understand this.

Oh you can understand that.

-Night.
-Night.

OK, you're hosing me, right?

So she's just gonna let you do it?

Well, she wasn't thrilled
about it at first,

but once she understood this was my bliss,

she practically pushed me of
onto the golf course.

The only way Jane would
push me onto a golf course,

if we were flying over one in a plane.

Hey Greg, check it out.

How cute am I?

Very cute. What are you doing here?

I decided I had a choice.

I could stay at home and
complain about being a golf widow,

or I could come here
and share your passion.

-Really?
-yeah.

It's terrific.

Hey Jane how would you feel if I quit
my job and just played golf every day.

Single.

Catty, chef me.

Shouting.

What do you think?

-I definitely hit it that way.
-good call.

Not sure, Catty?

Maple syrup.

I believe you had pancakes for breakfast.

Yes that's what I thought.

Give me your finger,
let me see what you had for breakfast.

Just work the camera, please.

Dharma, you don't have to
yell four on the driving range.

Sorry.

Never mind.

All right, Mr Ball, don't get too
comfortable. Here comes Mr Club.

Caddy where'd the ball go

I think it went all the way around
the world and came right back here.

Your loyalty and optimism
will be reflected in your tip.

Dharma, you just need to
keep your head still, honey.

Got it and and keep your
left elbow straight straight.

Straight, thank you.

Bend your knees like
you're sitting on a stool

a bar stool.

-I was doing milking stool.
-Yeah, I know.

Then, take it back nice and easy
and shift your weight to your right side.

Good, no, keep your left foot down.

Now, just hold it back,

now follow the through nice and easy.

Next time you'll want
to hold on to the club.

Caddy, shelf me.

I tried, I really did.

I played holes whack and walk,

whack and walk.

God forbid, you should jump in the sand
and make a castle.

Dharma, let me tell you
something about... golf.

It's a conspiracy to turn
precious land and water resources

into secret meeting places,

where rich white fat cats
can plot to suppress the masses

using golf as a cover.

On the other hand, I told him to find
the thing that makes him happy.

Good for you.

But are you supposed
to stand by your partner,

when they've clearly
lost touch with reality.

Wait a second,

has somebody been wearing my cod piece

Larry,
who would be wearing your cod piece?

You never know.

Come on, you know I mean it's golf.

Big golf, dumb golf. No windmills,
no clown's mouth, nothing.

Honey, you do want a life partner,
you can admire and respect.

I'm gonna have to shave my legs.

The hair is coming out
right through the tights.

Larry,
nobody's gonna be close enough to notice.

It feels funny.

Dharma, you know what might cheer you up?

Why don't you and Greg come
with us to the Renaissance fair?

No thanks. I've had some
bad experiences at the Renaissance fairs.

-Really?
-Yeah.

I don't know what happens
to the guys who go to those things.

Maybe it's the costumes,
maybe it's the medieval beer,

maybe it's just spending a whole day
outside their parents basements.

Whatever it is, they're all over you
like fridge magnets on a suit of armor.

You sure?

They're busting an extra hunchbacks
for the charity flogging book.

Come on Abby, help me out.
What should I do about Greg?

Well, honey.
What do you think you should do?

All right.

I got it.

You don't want to say anything
to influence my actions.

Just like I shouldn't say anything
to Greg to influence his actions.

Right?

It's not my place to say.

Thank you.

Where are you going honey?

I'm gonna go be a little weasel
and tell his mum.

-Golf?
-Golf.

And you are fine with this?

It's not for me to say.

Really?

Just like I wouldn't say anything to you

about any action you might take

regarding your son's decision
to play golf for the rest of his life.

I understand what you're saying.

I'm not saying anything.

Then it's good we
never had this conversation.

What the hell just happened?

Hey Dharma!

Hey, how was lunch with your parents?

Great.

Greg listen,

don't take it personally, OK?

No matter how much she yells at you,

you have to remember that
your mother loves you very much.

She didn't yell at me.

Yell or scowl or thr*aten
to write you out of the will.

Greg it's because she loves you.

No, my mother didn't say much of anything
my father did most of the talking.

Well, whenever he said, Greg,
it's because he loves you.

He offered me a job.

Really?

I wonder what the thinking was there.

I took it.

I told him you and I needed to talk about
it first because we'd have to relocate.

Really?

That's no problem honey I
can teach yoga anywhere.

Where are we headed?

Are you ready? Do I have to get ready?

Scotland.

I'm sorry, did you say Oakland?

Oakland? Who moves to Oakland?

Scotland Montgomery industries does
a little north sea oil business.

In Scotland?

Here's the best part.

I talked to the guy who's leaving the job,
and there's nothing to it.

You do a little paperwork,

you drive to the coast to see if any
of the rigs are on fire, and that's it.

The rest of the day
you have to yourself in Scotland,

the birthplace of golf.

Well, that one came around
and bit me on the ass.

Oh my god, what is that?

Smells like you're frying vodka.

Close,
I'm making a great big pot of haggis.

What the hell is haggis?

It's sheep's heart and liver,

minced up,

and seasoned with just a hint of lung,

and then neatly stood back
into its own stomach yummy.

That's not food

that's what happens
when circus trains collide.

What's the national dish of Scotland,
lassie.

Oh how about a wee bite?

Not if it was served up in the
glistening Scottish ass of Sean Connery.

Can I interest you in some blood pudding

it's another Scottish taste particular

made of, are you ready, blood.

What have you been drinking?

Scotch.

Which was invented
by the Scotsman Angus McBarf.

When his wife told him,
what was for dinner.

Are you really planning to eat that stuff?
No.

I'm serving it to my bunny
husband Gregory.

I got it, Gregory.

So that he can have
a great big ball of his new life.

Sorry then I won't
want to move to Scotland,

and if that were
to come to pass and how could it not

that would be his life choice and I cannot
interfere with the life choice of another.

Now dance with me lassie.

Dad's like they got packages in japan.

Excuse me everybody,
can I have your attention?

Can you get the music? Thanks.

I just want to take this opportunity
to thank my wife.

I was a little nervous
about moving so far away,

in fact I almost changed my mind.

But she has worked non-stop,

for the past few weeks to get me
in touch with my Scottish roots,

the smell of Angus.

The sweet drone of a bagpipe.

Clan Montgomery, I'm coming home.

I can't believe
our little girl's moving to Scotland.

I'm a little surprised myself.

We're going to miss you.

What a wonderful opportunity?

See what happens when you don't interfere
with the life choice of another Dharma?

The universe just gives you
a big thumbs up.

Yep, I can feel it.

Dharma, there's a lot
of boiled cabbage left over.

Would you mind if I took some
for the renaissance fair?

-Sure.
-OK.

It's just what the renaissance fair needs.
Gassy geeks sometimes.

So this is it.

You're moving to Scotland.

You're not gonna tell'm this is stupid?
No.

-Can I tell you this is stupid?
-No.

I wonder what Scotland's gonna be like.

I'll show you I have informative video.

It's Greg playing golf.

Exactly. Now I had a couple castles
and a lake with a monster.

-Pete, did I move my head that time?
-No.

Does he really think he can become a pro?

Yes.

That little girl's got a
better swing than he does.

What little girl?

Wind it back.

How about that time? No.

I have an idea,
but it's bad and it's wrong.

How can I help?

Well I

I guess this is the last time
we'll be playing together for a while.

Yeah.

Next time we play you'll be
a big hotshot professional golfer.

All right.

And I'll be lord king of the moon.

Good.

And each morning I'll bring the dawn

by riding across the sky
in my flaming chariot.

OK.

I get it. You don't think
I have a sh*t at going pro.

And from my chariot I'll bring
the rain by peeing over the edge.

That's enough.

Five bucks to hold the long carry-overs
pretties pay triple.

Lord king of the moon accepts your wager.

-Hey guys.
-Hi.

Where's Jane? Jane couldn't make it.

This is Tiffany the starter sent her over
to join us so we'd be a foursome.

This is my husband Greg, and this is Pete.

Nice to meet you Tiff.

It's Tiffany a tiff is a small argument,

so it is, got it.

-She's adorable.
-Yeah.

-The the kid's gonna slow us down.
-I know honey.

But just think one day when she grows up,

she'll be watching
the senior tour on television,

and she'll be able to say
I played with Greg Montgomery.

All right.

Tiffany, why don't you go ahead
and tee off first.

Lay into it Tiffany.

Honey, there's a closer tee up front.

That's OK. I don't want to slow you down.

OK.

Holy Cow!

I think I knocked
the snot out of that one.

How old are you honey? Nine and a half.

How old are you Greg? I'm shut up and hit.

Here I come.

Well, she didn't slow us down, did she?

-You can pick it up.
-Thanks Tiffany.

I'll put mine.

You sure? I already won the hole.

I'll put mine.

-But you get some mad ones...
-I'll put mine.

Stand behind me honey.

Now he's even further away in the floor.

Honey, why don't
you just pick up your ball? I'll finish.

Would you feel better if we
call our bed off. I'll finish Tiff.

It's just gonna take long,
I have girl scouts.

You can say fudge
if it makes you feel better.

Well, it was kind
of nice of Tiffany to climb that tree

and get your putter back for you, huh?

I'm surprised it didn't boomerang back to
you.

Anyway,
now I know what you get you for Christmas.

Don't bother I'm never playing golf again.

You mean as a profession, but you'll still
play golf on the weekends for fun right.

Dharma,
I don't really want to talk about it.

Could you just give me a little
space, please?

Sure you got it.

Greg, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

I'm the worst person in the world.

I fed you to a nine-year-old Phenom,
you never had a chance, please forgive me.

-What are you talking about?
-She's not a regular little girl.

She's like a golf Mozart.

She's a freak of nature,
I found her and I sicked her on you.

Why?

Because I didn't want to go to Scotland,

which is also my fault,
please don't make me explain.

You set all this up.

Pack my asbestos pyjamas,
I'm going straight to hell.

You know what honey...

it's OK.

No, it's not.

I suck.

No.

The whole thing was really stupid.

There's no way I was going to be
a professional golfer.

I know, but...

it was your dream Greg
and I crushed it like a bug.

You did me a favor.

Why do I feel so dirty?

You know what, forget it.

Next weekend instead of me playing golf,

why don't you and I spend
some quality time together?

-I don't deserve it.
-yeah, you do.

Thanks. That's so sweet,
but I've seen Camelot.

What ho fair maiden?

I have acquired coin of the realm,

with which I shall purchase
two flagons of mead.

And perhaps after that you lie with me
in my father's Volkswagen chariot.

It's gonna take a lot of mead buddy.

That wish is my command.

Don't even start.
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