03x12 - Looking for the Goodbars

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Dharma & Greg". Aired: September 24, 1997 – April 30, 2002.*
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Free-spirited Dharma, a yoga instructor and dog trainer, meets and falls for polar opposite Greg, a Harvard-educated U.S. attorney.
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03x12 - Looking for the Goodbars

Post by bunniefuu »

OK, Mommy and daddy are going
to a concert tonight.

So we're going to be home late.

Remember the rules.

No rough housing.

You can use the microwave
but not the oven.

No going on the internet pretending
you're year old girls, Stinky.

What do you think?

They're my rock concert pants.

-Great.
-I always wear these to rock concerts.

Excellent.

I bought them years ago
for a Huey Lou's concert but...

it is still fit.

They sure do.

You're right, I look like an idiot,
I'll go change.

Hello!

Hey Jane, you getting ready
to rock and roll.

You're kidding, we've had
these tickets for months.

What's going on?

Pete and Jane got into a fight,
now they can't go.

It's Aerosmith, they can fight there
no one will hear them.

What's the fight about?

The recliner?

Melted butter.

I'm gonna have to go with Pete on that
one, and enema is never a nice surprise.

What are they fighting about?

The usual.

No, don't worry we'll find somebody else.

Bye.

Well...

We got two extra tickets to Aerosmith.
Wich lucky friends should we call?

Steve, Greg Montgomery.

Yeah, it has been a while.

Listen, Dharma and I have a couple
of extra tickets to see Aerosmith tonight.

You guys want to come?

Well, maybe next time.

OK, tell Elaine I said hi.

Of course.

Marilyn.

Sorry, when did he divorce Elaine?

Hey Mad-dog, how's it hanging?

Excellent! Listen...

Greg and I have a couple extra tickets
to the Aerosmith concert tonight.

Thought maybe you and the big beaver
might want to join us.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure the concert's
more than feet away from your house.

OK, will you just give us a call
when you get that ankle bracelet off.

-House arrest.
-I see.

We are sorry. You have reached
a number that is no longer in service.

Do you want to just call some
wrong numbers, see if we find anybody?

That's ridiculous.

That's how I met Jane.

Are you sure,
no listing under Spider McNamara?

How about under Spidey?

How about Spidey Macaroon?

Well, check under his wife's name,
Lorna Dune.

Lorna Dune Macaroon.

Arnold Zulak, please.

Hey, Arnie, it's Greg Montgomery.

You remember, from archery camp.

Well, what do you think? Abby
and Larry would love to see Aronsmith.

No, we are grown-ups...

we have our own friends, we don't have
to go to a concert with your parents.

Now think...

OK Abby, maybe some other time.

Now what?

What's wrong with that man's lips?

They're huge.

That's d*ck Jagger.

Nermeen_roshdy@yahoo.co.uk
+ - .

Going up?

Thanks Pete.

You coming?

I can't.

Why not?

Jane put super glue on the button.

Why did she do that?

I don't know.

Cause she's crazy is why.

Where is she now?

I hope she's packing,
I lost her in a card game.

We definitely need new friends.

It was just one concert,
don't obsess about it.

I'm not obsessing but think about it.

Besides Jane and Pete
we have no couple friends...

we can go to concerts with or dinner,
or away for the weekend.

And what about our kids.

If we don't have a couple
of friends who have kids...

who are our kids going
to play with? No one.

They'll grow up to be sad lonely people...

who talk to themselves and don't
take care of their yards properly.

Honey, we don't have kids.

And we shouldn't
until we get our act together.

This is what I mean by obsessing.

You know who could be our friends,
Paul and Sarah Marsh.

Sure, of course.

Do we know of Paul and Sarah Marsh?

He was a lawyer at the justice department,
his wife's like a sculptor or something...

and he always wanted us to get together.

Well, they sound perfect.

How many kids don't they have?

I can't believe you were
at the Aerosmith concert too.

Where were you sitting?

Fifth row, centre.

Eighth row center.

Have you heard that crazy woman who
kept screaming, "Turn it down".

Yeah, pretty close.

-Who's ready for some dessert?
-Count me in.

Just a minute.

So...

How did you two meet?

Well see, do you want
to tell her or should I?

-Go ahead.
-OK.

I was working at this coffee shop...

down the street from the Catholic
seminary where Paul was going.

Wait a minute.

You were studying to be a priest?

Isn't that based on hearing
some call from God?

Well, yeah, I suppose.

So God's calling, you put him on hold
and you go out with her.

That is the most romantic love story
I have ever heard in my entire life.

Isn't it?

Oh, this is so cool. OK...

now, let me ask you a question Paul.

How did you know...

that she was your true love...

and not some temptation set up
by Satan to lure you away from God?

I'm sorry!

In most religious traditions
there's always a test of faith.

So how did you know
that she wasn't just that?

I mean look at her.

If Satan were to set a trap...

he'd certainly use a hotsy-totsy
piece of cheese like Sarah.

I'm sorry, what?

Oh come on, you're gorgeous.

You could make an Arch-bishop
by a lap dance.

Forgive me lord.

I have forsaken my true vocation and
yielded to the temptations of the flesh.

Grant that I might be
your humble servant once again.

Amen!

Come on, how could I have known?

He was weeping.

-I just asked a simple question.
-No, no.

A simple question is,
"You seen any good movies lately?",

"Hot enough for you?"

Anything except, "Did you know
your wife was sent by Satan?"

No, that is not fair.

All I said was,
"Did you ever consider the possibility...

that your wife was sent by satan?"

-Hey.
-Hey Jane.

-Can I use your shower?
-Sure.

Jane...

anything wrong, you look a little blue?

My idiot husband put dye
in the shower-head

Jane? Why are you walking around naked?

Cause I'm gonna take a shower.

You know what happened to Paul and Sarah
tonight was going to happen eventually.

Maybe years from now. In the meantime
we would have had friends.

A fallen priest
and the devil's handmaiden.

-Have you guys seen Jane?
-No.

OK, sorry to bother you.

Look, whatever happened happened...

but I think we can agree
that Paul and Sarah...

aren't gonna be our new couple friend.

Oh yeah I think that's safe to say.

Maybe it's time we stop digging
through the address book...

and start going out
and meeting new people.

And how do you propose we do that?

Well let's think.

What are we looking for in friends?

Are you sure?

There's a blue footprints
right at your door.

Maybe she backtracked?

Tricky little mix.

Well, we know what we're not looking for.

Well, nice meeting you.

Enjoy your stay in America.

OK we're zero for four.

-You want to go back to Ikea?
-No.

-What about a Volvo dealership?
-I don't think so.

Nine o'clock docker's in a blue sweater.

-Aren't we kind of robbing the cradle?
-So?

They'll keep us young
and we'll buy them beer.

Follow my lead.

-Do you have a plan?
-No.

Beautiful, isn't it?

You guys come here often?

We're members.

Members?

Did you that? They're members.

Say something.

Your pants are like my pants.

Just walk away.

Your pants are like my pants?!

I'm ready.

I made you a plate.

Macaroni and cheese?

I thought we were supposed to
go to dinner with these people.

But you don't want to eat like a pig
and make a bad first impression.

OK.

Wait a minute.

-Is that what you're gonna wear?
-Yeah.

I can see your belly button.

What are they gonna think?

I don't know.

That I was fed through an umbilical cord
and I'm proud of it.

Let's take a sweater.

You never told me...

how did you hook up with this couple?

They were recommended.

-Recommended? By whom?
-By whom?

Greg, answer the question.

My mother.

-We got fixed up by your mom?
-Like we were doing so well on our own.

Greg?

Are we that lame?

If we were horses, they would sh**t us.

Hey...

mac and cheese.

Hey, wait a minute...

you two got married
the first day you saw each other?

That's amazing, so did we.

Did you ever think we'd meet another
couple we had that in common with?

You came from a Catalogue too?

I'm sorry, what?

I met Betty through a service.

You mean, a dating service?

No, I think he means
more like the postal service.

Got her mail order.

The Russian girls are real popular now...

but you don't want one of those
big bone gals walking on your back.

Forgive me for being judgmental, but don't
you feel exploited by this arrangement?

No, I don't have to sleep with him.

I just tie him up and call him names.

He liked that very much.

Ain't that right, stinky boy?

How exactly do you know my mother?

I do her nails.

She got a bad feet.

Too many corn.

Maybe we should order.
Where is the waiter?

Do you want to see his feet?

Show them your feet sea-man.

Well, that was pretty unpleasant.

Stinky boy did have beautiful feet.

We should thank your mom.

Maybe buy her some corn pads.

-Problem?
-No, we're all right. I have triple A.

Great, dead battery.

Here, use mine.

Thanks.

Triple A is number four on the speed dial.

Not number one?

I went alphabetically.

I considered that.

-Sweet car.
-Thanks.

My husband hates her.

-Why?
-Well he says she stalls out a lot.

Of course, it's only when he's driving.

I think maybe she doesn't like him.

I wouldn't be surprised.

He's always talking about trading her in.

Well there you go, her feelings are hurt.

Classic grudge stall.

What's her name?

Sally.

Of course. Greg the Mustang's name
is sally, isn't that cute?

My wife's idea.

I understand, we have a toaster
named "Pop-up Willie".

-Greg.
-Doug.

-Dharma.
-Cynthia.

-Doug.
-Dharma.

-Cynthia.
-Greg.

Sally.

You have no messages.

You have no messages.

-Hey, what's up?
-We have no messages.

What?

Yesterday I left a message
for Cynthia and Doug...

on their machine about dinner
tonight, and they never called back.

I didn't get an answer to the email
I sent Doug about playing golf.

That's weird.

No, do not. Not too eager.

Hello!

Hi Cynthia,
we were just talking about you.

Utah?

Well, we were discussing the states
and well we're almost done.

Listen, how's dinner tonight for you guys?

OK, what about tomorrow?
I think we're free tomorrow.

What about Sunday?

No, I take it back. Sunday's bad.
We are definitely booked on Sunday.

Unless you're free, then we
could probably shuffle some stuff around.

OK, well you'll just call us,
we'll take it from there.

OK, bye bye.

They blew us off.

They didn't blow us off, they are
probably just have other plans.

Wake up and smell the kiss off,
we've been dumped.

We have been.
It's not completely out of the blue.

I mean you have been
coming on pretty strong.

What?

You invited them to meet your parents.

Don't you think it's
a little soon for that?

Excuse me, but I'm not the one
who used the "L word".

What?

We love you guys.

We...

"Love you guys."
You said it like times.

I'd had a couple of glasses of wine,
it felt kind of good to say it.

Well, I hope you're happy,
because now you've scared them off.

We don't know that, they're probably
having a quiet dinner by themselves.

Let's find out.

Dhrama, you can't call somebody up and
ask them that they're dumping you.

Right.

But we can go to see
what they're doing without us.

-You mean stalk them?
-No.

Stalking is what crazy people do.
We are not crazy.

We're just going to see
if they're cheating on us.

Well, that's reasonable.

I can't believe you lost them.

If we'd taken my car
instead of your father's dumb van...

I wouldn't have lost them.

They know your car. And what did I
tell you about calling this van d-u-m-b?

There's the mustang, pull over, pull over.

See him anywhere?

All clear.

Still warm.

They're close.

Do you think they're in there?

The restaurant we took them to?

They wouldn't.

So I said, "Doug, I'll get rid of the Mustang
when you stop smoking those awful cigars".

Needless to say...

the car stays.

What a surprise?

Dharma?

Cynthia.

-Greg?
-Doug.

-Doug.
-Dharma.

What have we here?

These are our friends,
Richard and Patricia.

Richard and Patricia?

Isn't that nice?

Are you enjoying your little dinner?

What are you guys doing here?

What are we doing here? This is...

our restaurant. What are they doing here?

They're our friends.

Is that so?

Did you hear that Greg?
They're their friends.

Dharma honey, I think
maybe we crossed some kind of line here.

We thought we had
something with you people.

What is she talking about?

I don't know I
I thought I knew but it turns out I don't.

Dharma honey, it's time to go.

Here.

Obviously this meant nothing to you.

For the record, "I love you guys."
is just a figure of speech.

When you think about it,
it's kind of silly.

It's so true we have so many friends.

Abby, pop corn?

-We brought our own.
-Real butter.

You know, I used to have an imaginary
friend. I bet she's married by now.

Give her a call.
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