03x13 - Drop Dead Gorgeous

[bunniefuu]

Okay, I have an hour and a half
to my next class. What can I do?

Thanks, you're a lifesaver.

Opposing counsel is burying me.

If I don't get this stuff sorted out,
I'm gonna wind up working all weekend.

Okay, let's get started.

How much time did you say you had?

An hour and a half.

Well, I'm thinking there's probably only
about an hour of paperwork here if we...

if we buckle down.

-So, you want to buckle down?
-I think we have to.

Okay.

But afterwards we do that paper.

All right, we've got minutes
to get this paperwork done.

Whatever you do, don't say buckle down.

This really didn't
work out at all, did it?

Actually...

in one sense it worked out very well.

We need to get a piece of furniture at
home that's the same height as this desk.

I really should hire somebody to help
me out here I just don't have the time.

Why don't you tell me what you're looking
for maybe I can help you find someone.

It has to be someone with experience who
really knows what they're doing.

Someone I feel comfortable
working closely with.

Yeah.

Someone who can anticipate my needs.

Sure.

Someone who...

isn't afraid to keep
working until the job is done.

What you're saying is you need
someone who can really buckle down.

Anyway...

I thought who better than
Greg's former secretary...

to give me advice about
hiring his new secretary.

Hang on a sec.

Hit me.

Busted.

Why do I hit on a soft .

Cool game.

It's not a game. I'm down
bucks to a casino in the Cayman islands.

Marlene, did you bring in the Porter file?

On my way.

-You were saying?
-well, Greg needs a secretary.

All right.

That's not gonna be easy
Greg's a regular sl*ve driver.

Really? How so?

Well, for starters he expects you to come
in every morning; Monday through Friday...

rain or shine...

even when you're bloated.

Marlene!

-What?
-The porter file.

I was at your door I had to come
back to answer the intercom.

Oh sorry.

And the littlest things get Greg banana
shape...

like if your cat craps in his office.

Marlene!

-Hi Dharma!
-Hey Pete!

There you are.

I couldn't find you
so I put the file back in the drawer.

I was in my office.

Are you calling me a liar?

Listen, whatever you do choose wisely.

Because with the laws these days...

it's really hard to fire someone.

Marlene, the Porter file
isn't even in here.

Oh, Porter!

You said McLean.

You're welcome.

Come on, we can talk
about this over lunch.

Lunch?

It's only : .

So, I have a couple of cocktails
and needed one.

Well, your resume is great.
Letters of reference all excellent.

Let's just take a look
at your horoscope here.

You're just a... cranky little
moon child, aren't you?

You're obviously very qualified.

Tarot cards were favorable, but remember
not to travel over water for a while.

One last thing.

If you would be kind enough...

please, look out this window
and tell me what you see?

Come on.

Well, I see a garbage truck.

Go on.

I see garbage cans,
I see garbage on the street.

I see a dog peeing on a garbage can.

-I see ugly disgusting infected pigeons...
-Okay...

I'll let you know.

-That window's very...
-Thank you.

Okay.

-How about this one?
-Half full.

And this one?

-Also have full.
-Excellent.

Okay, let's dance.

Dance?

Yeah, sometimes Greg's gonna
become overwhelmed on the job...

and you're gonna have to take the lead.
So, I need to see you lead.

I'm fully capable of running
a legal office.

Maybe but unless we dance
there's no way for me to know that.

Let's go.

And don't be afraid to dip me.

Dharma, What are you doing?

Interviewing secretaries.

Of course you are.

You are a natural-born leader.

Thank you, I went to an all-girls school.

I played the king and the king and I.

You should put that on your resume...

which is fantastic, by the way.

Thank you.

Okay.

You're a water sign
which is always really good for Greg.

Half full, half full, half full?

Eaching, tarot chakras all very nice.

Good SATs, great resting heart rate.

-Still talk to your folks?
-Yes, every Sunday.

And on Thursday nights I call bingo
at my grandmother's rest home.

I love bingo.

Can anybody do that, or do you
have to have a grandmother there?

-I will ask.
-Thanks.

Okay, well...

just one more question.

Why do you want to be a legal secretary?

Well I...

I dropped out of law school so that
I could be a fashion model...

and I always regretted it
because, I mean...

how exactly does having your picture
taken in your underwear...

help make the world a better place.

Well, sure it cheers up
the guys at photo-mat.

So, if I could just work for
a smart lawyer during the day...

and then go back to law school at night,
then one day hopefully...

I'll be able to fulfill a lifelong dream
and practice environmental law.

Spank me momy, I think I'm in love.

-Hey! You ready for lunch?
-Just a sec.

Kim, you are perfect for this job.
Can you start tomorrow?

Great! Can I start at eight?

Because if I don't meditate from six to
seven I am just not centered all day.

Oh sing it sister.

-Okay, I'll see you at eight.
-Thank you so much.

Hi! Bye bye. Bye.

What was that all about?

I just hired a new secretary for Greg.

-You hired her?
-Yeah.

Did you happen to look at her?

She's rocket body gorgeous?
Yes I noticed, she used to be a model.

And now she's your husband's secretary?

I'm not going to discriminate against
the poor girl just because...

she's beautiful she's the most
qualified person for the job.

What's the job?
Keeping the blood out of his brain?

I just want you to promise me one thing...

do not judge her on her appearance.

-Of course not.
-OK.

She was the most
qualified person for the job...

and I think if you just work with her for
a little while you won't even notice.

-I'm sure I won't.
-Okay.

Don't stare at her,
I think it makes her self-conscious.

I'm fine with it,
or the lack of it, whatever.

-Good morning.
-Good morning.

Greg?

This is your new secretary, Kim.

Yes.

It is so nice to meet you.

Yes.

I hope you don't mind,
but I took the liberty...

of unpacking all of those boxes of papers.

Now I have them sorted by date,
and cross-referenced alphabetically.

Now...

how do you like your coffee?
Cream or sugar?

Yes.

Honey, you're staring. Yes.

Dharma, can I speak to you for a second?

We're just going to go in there
in the... work part.

Your office? Yes.

That color looks great on you.

-You look fantastic.
-Thank you.

Dharma, I'm a little confused,
what exactly was the thinking there?

-I'm sorry, I don't understand.
-How could you hire her?

What's wrong with her?

What's wrong with her? She's gorgeous.

She's pretty, she's a handsome woman,
some might say.

So?

So, I just don't think you want me
working with someone like that.

I like her, I think she's great.

You know she meditates...

she does yoga, she can get into positions
I can't even get near.

She's so limber.

Is this some kind of test?

Are you saying you don't trust
yourself around her?

Of course I trust myself.

And I trust you.

But wouldn't it be better
if you didn't have to trust me.

Are you listening to yourself?

Kim, come on in.

-Here you go.
-Thank you.

I hope it's okay.

Hot!

Dharma said that you like it hot.

Yes.

I think this is gonna work out great.

I'll leave you two legal
beagles alone, bye.

Your wife's very nice.

Thanks, I'm married.

Hey, boys.

-Hey, how was your day?
-Great, very good day.

-How's Kim?
-Fine.

She's very efficient.

What's got into you?

Nothing, I was at work all day,

where there's
no sex and now I'm home with my wife.

-How was your day?
-Started out slow, but it's picking up.

Coming.

Guys...

there's somebody knocking
on the door in the middle of the night.

Scary!

-Who is it?
-Kim.

-Hi what's up?
-Hi, I'm sorry to bother you this late.

But I was just finishing up
at the office...

and I noticed these papers
I was supposed to get Greg to sign.

You've been at the office this whole time?

And they have to be
postmarked by midnight.

What's going on?

Mr Montgomery, I am so sorry.

I just completely forgot all about this.

Again, call me Greg.

These are just going across town.

We can walk them over tomorrow
and still b*at the deadline.

Really? Are you sure?

Because it's all my fault,
and it's my very first day...

and I really want to do
a good job for you.

Greg, tell her it's okay? It's okay.

Come on in and sit down.

-I'll make you some tea.
-Thank you.

Take your coat off.

Greg! What?

Comforter her.

It's gonna be okay.

Yeah it's gonna be all right.

You are such a great guy.

Thank you.

Dharma is really lucky.

Once again thank you.

Okay,
let's talk about what's really going on.

What do you mean?

Well, what are you doing working
at the office this late?

You should be out having a good time.

With who?

-You're kidding.
-No.

It's really hard to meet people.

Someone is smart and beautiful as you are?

Greg, tell her how beautiful she is.

You're very beautiful.

When was the last time you had sex?

Exactly where are we going here?

Just sharing.

Would you believe it's been...

-A year.
-No way.

I don't even think
I'd know what to do anymore.

It's just like riding a bike,
except the bike has fun too, right Greg?

A whole year?

-Be helpful.
-Okay.

Well Kim, it seems to me that you just...

need to get out there and meet people.

Go to parties or something.

That's a great idea.

We have these two tickets to this charity
dance at Greg's parents country club.

It's always swarming with single girls.

Greg will take you.

Really? What?

We need to find you something
really sexy to wear.

I do have this one long red dress,
it's kind of low-cut.

Oh god, that's perfect. Right Greg?

-Thank you so much.
-Yeah.

Thank you honey.

Oh, tea ready.

God I miss being held by a man.

I miss Johnny Carson.

I'm so happy you could come
with us tonight, Dharma.

Yeah, you haven't lived here...

but you've been to Jamboree night
at this mother's brother's vineyard.

Well, it worked out great for everyone.

Let's just hope Greg's secretary meet
somebody nice tonight.

I don't mean to be judgmental...

but it was making me a little
uncomfortable how she was looking at Greg.

He's her boss she admires him.

And you have no problem with the two of
them being alone together for the evening?

Abby, I trust Greg with all my heart.

Sure, but how about with
a tight little unit like that Kim?

Larry. Not my words.

Well, whose words were they?

Hey look! A cow in the rain, but you
can't wear leather in the rain, weird.

Kim has been such a big help.

Not just for Greg...

she took my clothes to the dry cleaner.

She got the car serviced...

she even gave Stinky and Nunzio a bath.

What's that supposed to mean?

Hello, goodbye peace.
It's like shalom for dogs.

-Mom, dad!
-Gregory!

Holy smoke!

This is my new secretary Kim,
these are my parents Kitty and Edward.

-It's a pleasure to meet you.
-It's a pleasure to meet you too.

Greg has told me so many
wonderful things about you.

Gregory, could I see you for a minute?

Excuse me.

Gregory tells me you're a Vassar girl too.

You went to Vassar?

Oh do you know what I missed the most?

-Tea in the rose piler?
-Yes.

Son,
I don't condone this kind of behavior.

But from what I understand
you bring your wife to these shindigs...

and your secretary some place fun
like Jamaican.

That bringing him
to this thing was dharma's idea.

Well that's not much of a story
but stick with it consistency is the key.

Come on abby, how is that
sexist if a woman were built out of brick?

You're just
saying she's sturdy and reliable...

-When you don't have indoor plumbing...
-Give it up Larry.

Dharma, may be you should slow down.

I'm trying, but these brakes
are a little mushy.

Still,
Kim did not use that mechanic again.

I can't remember
the last time that I waltzed.

Gregory, I think someone would like an
invitation to dance.

-I'll dance with her.
-Edward. Sit.

Kim, would you care to dance?
I would love to.

Edward, why couldn't
Gregory have met her first?

Why couldn't I have met her first?

, so that
I could have introduced her to Gregory.

Dharma, do something. I'm trying.

God's sake slow down
it's just the smothers brothers.

Home!

Dharma!

Kim!

You poor thing, what happened?

Got an accident.

Those breaks you got
fixed gave me some trouble.

Well, thank god you're okay.

Yeah why are you wearing my robe?

Oh, this um...

we got caught out in the rain...

and uh my things are in the dryer.

Your evening out is in the dryer.

No of
course not my underwear is in the dryer.

Greg gave me this, so I wouldn't have
to walk around the house naked.

Where is greg now?

In the shower.

In the shower? Yeah.

Poor baby, just got soaked to the bone.

I guess it all makes sense.

Well I'm gonna go tell him I'm home.
Okay.

Oh wait...

it's one little thing I have to do first.

And then go back to law
school at night then one day...

hopefully, I'll be able
to fulfill a lifelong dream...

and practice environmental law.

How nice.

Well I still have more people to
see and we'll let you know.

Thanks for coming in though.

Um I'd really like this job.

We have your number.

Hi!

Bye-bye.

Ready for lunch? Just a sec.

The chick was drop dead gorgeous. Almost.

Morning boss.

Marlene?

What are you doing here?

Moving on up?

By the way, I gotta leave at two,
and some judge called.

Do we strike gold or what?

Dharma, can I talk to you for a second?

Hey, isn't anybody gonna make coffee?