03x17 - The Spy Who Said He Loved Me

[bunniefuu]

Mrs Montgomery you can come in now.

Is he gonna be all right doc?
I feel a little responsible here.

He has a mild hernia.

I'm sure it's nothing
you did, Mrs Montgomery.

-Actually, it is.
-I already...

I already told him how
it happened, lifting something.

It was me.

See we were in the shower,
so we were both soapy and slippery...

Dharma, he doesn't need to know this.

Honey, he's a doctor he needs to know
the facts in order to help you.

Anyway, it was monkey love Monday
which means to try...

You try something new.
So I asked Greg to pick me up.

What about this hernia, do I wear
something take something or what?

Hold on a second, go on. You were...

it was soapy and slippery...

that's pretty much all there was to it.

so what do we do here doc?

I don't think this is serious enough
to require surgery but...

you're gonna have to avoid any
strenuous activity for a couple of weeks.

No lifting...

no sex, no golf.

-No sex how?
-How would hurt it?

What if I was on top,
and I was really areful...

and I did all the work, and everything?

What if I got a caddy?

I'm sure you'd be
very careful up there on top.

But if Greg’s anything
like me during sex...

that pelvis has a mind of its own.

Any kind of vigorous motion...

could aggravate the inguinal canal.

That sounds bad.

Oh yeah, yeah.

I remember my first hernia...

I was single at the time, but I was...

I was seeing this young Filipino
woman down in San Bruno...

and she was very gentle.

I was an eager beaver, I ripped
myself from stem disturbance.

Thank you very much, doctor.

Honey, he's a doctor
you need to listen to him.

Yeah she was quite a gal.

She had a tattoo on her back
that showed Lindy landing in Paris.

She moved certain muscles just right,
she could get the wheels off the ground.

So these are good for hernia?

Dharma, they're painkillers,
they're good for anything.

Well I just want to make
sure they're the right thing.

See I feel kind of responsible.

We're having sex in the shower...

and he tried to lift me up
and pop-point the weasel.

These will be fine, thank you.

-Dharma.
-Scott?!

Good to meet you, you look great.

You too. Scott, this is my husband Greg.

Greg, this is Scott. I told you
about Scott, we used to go out.

-Sure, nice to meet you.
-Hi.

Godzilla, that's a lot of condoms.

It looks like a lot,
it's only a dozen in each box.

Greg can't have sex right now.

Well, tell him the whole thing.

We were having a little...

jungle love in the shower,
I lifted her up I got a slight strain.

Man's got to know his limitations.

How was Afghanistan?

Dirty and dangerous,

but I loved it.

What were you doing in Afghanistan?

I travel a lot,
I'm a professional tennis player.

I didn't realize there was
a tennis tournament in Afghanistan.

It's not televised.

Anyway, I'm moving back to San Francisco.

If you need a place there's a vacancy
in our building, right Greg?

I don't think so.

It's the one on our floor.
They have to move last weekend.

You made them zucchini bread,
visit going away present.

yeah, that's vacant.

Why don't you come by tonight...

and we'll show you the apartments.

-Great.
-Same old building.

Thanks Dharma.

-Nice to meet you, Greg.
-Same here.

See you later.

Wouldn't it be perfect,
Scott moved in down the hall.

Yeah, perfect ending to a perfect day.

Anyway, I carry a lot of extra cat gut,
for my tennis rackets.

Well little did I know
I'd be using it to restrain...

Yo Yo Ma's violin during a private
concert for the sultan of Brunei.

Oh hold on, Yo Yo Ma plays the cello.

Sure, but when the sultan wants to hear...

"Devil went down to Georgia",
you pick up a fiddle.

-How are you liking the new apartment?
-I love it, it's great.

It reminds me of that little condo
I had in Beijing.

What were you doing in Beijing?

Teaching table tennis.

To the Chinese? The Chinese are the best
ping-pong players in the world.

Thank you.

-Hi! Excuse me.
-Hi.

Scott honey...

you said you're gonna wash my back.
I'm sorry baby I'll be right with you.

Yikes, I completely forgot.
I left her in the tub.

Greg, do you have any condoms,
I'm all out.

You bought two dozen a week ago.

You're right, it's my own fault.

Thanks for the coffee, neighbor.

-We'll see you guys later.
-See you later Scott.

Completely forgot how much fun he is.

How is it possible that a man
his age could have...

met all those people, done all
those things, been to all those places?

I know, it'd still be so down to Earth,
blows your mind, doesn't it?

Okay, now I need an adjective.

-Liar.
-That's a noun.

Lying.

Okay, now a noun.

Jerk.

Okay, good let's read it.

"I love the holidays,

"every year dad goes
to the sultan's palace...

"and chops down an
eight-foot pathological liar.

"Meanwhile, mom is making up
a big batch of lies.

"The whole house
smells like complete crap.

"The highlight is when dad sneaks
into the people's republic of China...

dressed like a tennis pro."

Not quite the fun with words
promised on the cover.

I cannot believe that you buy anything
this guy says about himself.

Honey...

there's no reason for you
to feel threatened by Scott.

I am not threatened by Scott.

Oh god, not again.

-Do you want to play another game?
-Yes sure.

We'll play Cheese.
Here's how it works.

We take turns naming a cheese...

and the first person who
can't name one loses I'll start; Cheddar.

Camembert.

Muenster.

Gruyère.

Goat cheese.

So we were in bed playing cheese and...

somewhere around mozzarella,
Greg started feeling a little frisky.

I can't imagine the cheese
that would make me frisky.

Although there is something about
a nice smoked Gouda...

when you peel back that brine.

It wasn't just the cheese...

my old boyfriend moved in next door and
he was having pretty loud sex, you know.

Don't stop, don't stop.

Can we chat when
I'm not flapping in the breeze.

Greg, part of being a good doctor
is listening to the patient.

Go ahead, Dharma.

That's pretty much it.

Well, listen son I know it's hard
with the ex around...

I remember one time...

I wound up at a ski lodge right next
door to my ex-wife and her latest fella.

I made damn sure they were
kept up all night with the sounds of love.

It would have been a little easier
if I'd brought a lady friend with me.

And the best part is gravity...

keeps your Koskos from slipping
down into your goody sack.

This is not what
I meant by a second opinion.

Hey Scott.

Hi sorry to bother you. Do you have
any candles I could borrow?

Oh sure.

-Scented, okay?
-Yeah, that'd be great.

And maybe some romantic CD.

-Maybe Marvin Gaye.
-Sure.

He's just taunting us these days.
Come on in my folks are here.

Hey, Abby, Larry!

Scott!

-Great to see you.
-Yeah.

What you've been up to?

-Hey you're still working for Greenpeace?
-Greenpeace?

It's unbelievable Greg...

Scott takes this dinghy
out to the ocean...

and he puts himself right
between the Japanese fishing boats...

and poor defenseless whales.

Really, why would
you characterize that as unbelievable.

I had to give it up, the Japanese whalers
put a price on my head.

Oh no.

It's called a Shin-ju-kai.

A Shin-ju-kai.

I better get going...

I'm running a bath.

-Great to see you guys.
-Yeah, it's great to see you Scott.

Later man.

Oh what a wonderful human being.

Look, all right.

I don't want to be the one to have to
say this but that guy is a complete fraud.

Oh here we go again Abby.

Will you tell him your thing about
jealousy.

Okay okay but I can't
take credit for this it's actually...

it's an old Navajo myth.

-One day...
-I'm not jealous.

OK, look...

here's a listing of every
professionally ranked tennis player...

for the last years.

Scott Kelly is nowhere in here.

I'm sure there's a logical explanation.

Of course there is,
he can't play under his own name.

He has a Shin-ju-kai on his head.

Fine, how about this.

I spy NBC television .

Robert Culp plays
secret agent Kelly Robinson...

who masquerades as a tennis pro...

accompanied by his partner
Alexander Scott...

played by Bill Cosby.
Does any of this ring a bell?

Sorry man, the 's are kind of a blur.

-Hey.
-I'm sorry.

I'm looking for Scott Kelly's apartment.

Yeah, just go down the hall,
and stop when you hear Marvin Gaye.

Thank you.

That's like the fourth woman
Scott's been with this week.

Sixth and apparently none of them
know how to bathe themselves.

Abby.

Do you think Scott was seeing
other women when I went out with him?

-Did he say he was faithful?
-Constantly.

Well there you are it must be true
because we know he's not a liar.

In , I was in Fresno...

but I didn't have a TV.

I can't believe Scott's such a hound.

Dharma, let me explain something to you.

There's an amino acid in the penis
which makes men evil.

It's a scientific fact.

I don't know about that,
I mean, do you think Greg is evil?

Greg has a penis?

Ergo he is in a
continual state of w*r with his evil acid.

It's only a matter of time before
the acid is triumphant.

Maybe I'm thinking
about this the wrong way.

Maybe Scott's just trying to find
the right woman, so he's dating a little.

It doesn't mean he was dishonest with me.

Oh for the love of mike.

Honey are you okay? Fine.

Yeah, it's really hard for Scott to find
a woman when I met him.

He has just lost his wife in
this horrible boating accident.

It was it's the
finals for the America's cup, I think.

Honey, are you sure you're okay?

Evil acid reflex.

So, who taught you how to pick a lock?
The FBI?

Jane.

So uh what exactly are we looking for?

Proof that this guy's
not what he claims to be.

Like what?
Pictures of him not playing tennis.

Just look for stuff...

bank statements, letters, anything
that might tell us who he really is.

Bingo!

What are you doing?

Star , to find out
the last person he talked to.

-Good thinking.
-Hello! Who's this?

Now, I asked you first, who's this.

I know I called you,
but I asked you first.

Hang up.

Now here we go.

Hello!

You called me this time pal. Just look.

Oh god!

Thanks for helping me out.

No problem, I see Scott
still likes his Turkish coffee.

Well I think he just misses Istanbul.

It's so great having him around.

I just wish Greg wasn't threatened by him.

Yeah, so does Scott.

This must be fun for you.

Anyway, I'm glad you and I can be friends.

Greg will come around,
I mean he's just in a lot of pain...

and I'm cranky
because we're not having any sex.

Oh tell her why we're not having any sex.

So why aren't you guys having sex?

He'd rather I not talk about it.

Go ahead, and talk about it.

I couldn't be in a relationship like that.

Sex is very important to me.

Yeah you learn to live without it.

Oh you must be so tense.

I have a video that starts like that.

I'm just more concerned
about Scott and Greg getting along.

Yeah, it'd be great if they did. Then
you guys could come to our wedding.

Getting married?

Well as soon as his wife is
declared legally dead.

You know they never found the body.

Oh from the boating accident.

What boating accident?

He told me his wife d*ed in a
boating accident.

No he told me she d*ed skiing.

Oh, we know one thing,
she's good and dead.

This is so weird.

Why would he have lied to you.

Oh Honey...

we'll talk later.

I gotta go apologize to my husband.

We sure do.

So you and this fella were both...

-in the closet?
-Yes.

No, yes, but...

not how you think.

Don't be embarrassed about this Greg.

Don't, I was once young too.

I had questions.

And desires, I couldn't explain.

I remember one late
night I was a soldier on guard duty...

the lieutenant came by and said...

I'm here to relieve you, son.

I was confused because my watch
wasn't up for another two hours.

So, you're finding your way
around the neighborhood okay?

Yeah, it's great.
Thanks for the tip about the dry cleaner.

Oh no problem.

You know I uh spent a little time
with Allison today, she seems really nice.

How did your wife die?

Well I told you that
didn't I she was a professional skier.

I thought she d*ed in a boating accident.

She did.

Water skiing.

In the Americas cup?

They had a really good lead.

She's just screwing around.

Hey you're just in time.

For what?

Scott's pants are on fire
and he's trying to put them out...

you want a piece of this action?

Thanks I don't mind if I do.

You did not use all those condoms.

Greg...

-bigger fish
-Okay.

I'll just put that aside for now,
this whole...

I spy, ping-pong, Yo Yo Ma,
shinju-crap stops right here.

Okay.

Okay, I have been lying to you.

I'm not a professional tennis player.

I've never been married.

My name's not even Scott Kelly.

Oh really?

Why?

It's called an EPC.

Easily penetrable cover.

The idea is you see right through it
and dismiss me as a liar.

That way I can continue
with my real work as an...

operative for a
government entity known as the firm.

The firm?

Look pal, I worked
for the government for years...

I've never heard
of anything called the firm.

Lucky for you.

Anyway I'd love to tell you more
about it...

-but I've got to get going.
-Scott?

David.

David.

-Michael.
-Michael.

Whatever, for once I want you to look
me in the eye and tell me the truth.

Dharma, we have a saying
at the firm about the truth.

I wish I could share it with you.

Anyway it's good that we cleared this up.

Cause I'm gonna be leaving soon.

I've been reassigned.

Really, oh so what happens now?

Some sort of stealth helicopter
flies you off to a top secret base.

Regular helicopter.

Bunch of cuts.

Remember me.

Oh my god he's just insane.

I'm glad you brought it up because
I didn't want to be the one to say it.

I can't believe I was such a fool.

No you're not a fool, you're
an open trusting human being.

, and that's why I love you.

Thank you.

I still say there's no way
you used all those condoms.

You know I really don't want
to wake him he's still in a lot of pain.

Well Dharma, that's what
we wanted to talk to you about.

A Gregory's...

-doctor called us.
-Why did he call you?

He's an old friend of Edwards.

We were in the service together.

Well anyway he...

he implied that...

um that Gregory's latest injury...

was caused by...

How well do you know his friend... Pete?

This is about the thing
with them in the closet?

Gregory told you about that?

Oh yeah.

Well he was embarrassed but...

we don't keep secrets from each other.

I mean when I think of some
of the things Jane and I have done.

Really?

I don't approve of what he did...

but he had no choice
I just couldn't face the truth.

So you're telling me that you're...

fine with Gregory being...

gay.

Oh yeah.

I'm fine with it.
How are you guys dealing with it?

Well, we're fine with it of course.
He's our son and we love him.

This sort of thing is very popular
from what I understand.

You know what...

why don't I go get Greg...

and let you guys talk to him.

Would it have k*lled you
to play catch with the boy?

You were the one that taught him to dance.

That was one recital and he was fabulous.

Well apparently he's still fabulous.

Hey what's up?
Dharma said you want to talk to me.

Edward...

son...

do you want to play catch?