03x19 - The Best Laid Plans

[bunniefuu]

Help! There's a pirate after
my precious doubloons.

Come back here, come on.

Are you okay?

I stubbed my toe,
I'm gonna take the eye patch off.

Then you're just a naked guy
with the stuff parrot on his shoulder.

All right, I'll put it back on.

But you have to slow down.

OK, but promise on your honor
there'll be no monkey business.

Hi I swear.

You swore on your honor.

Ah pirates have no honor.

That's quite a bird you've got there.
Thank you.

And I like your parent too.

Well here we are.

So what do you think?

What is that smell?

Dharma, how could you drag us
to this... third world?

Petri dish...

be patient, it grows on you.
I'll bet it does.

Couldn't we at least find a clean table?

Not here.

Dharma I think I saw
a board of health notice out front.

You probably did.

Dharma, I cannot possibly stay here.

Hang on.

Hang on for what?

Hey, good afternoon ladies.

The specials are on the board.

I'm sure they are.

Get back Loretta.

Stop it.

Still want to leave?

Well, we're here.

Oh this is bad karma...

I'm gonna get pinched in Italy.

I must say I do think
it is a bit inappropriate...

for a group of married women
to be ogling and uh...

admittedly magnificent young man.

Kitty, I love Greg and there
will never be anyone else for me.

But if I'm not free
to appreciate a handsome man...

then I'm not free to appreciate
a beautiful sunset...

or a magnificent painting.

Or that.

Those arms.

Or those smokey eyes...

that seem to burn into the
depths of your soul as if...

they knew exactly what you
had been missing all these... years.

Who ordered the ugly truth?

Kitty is there something you'd
like to share with us?

Yeah aren't you getting everything
from Edward you need in the bedroom?

Isn't that a rather
personal question, Dharma?

Oh, yes.

Well might say that...

uh after a certain time the dance
does become...

routine and...

one can do the steps and...

one sleeps.

And to be frank, occasionally one does.

You know, if you're looking for a way to
spice things up maybe I can help you out.

Kitty.

I keep a very detailed journal...

of everything Greg and I do in the sack...

and I'd be happy to lend it to you.

Well I am right in
the middle of Angela's ashes...

but as soon as I finish that,
it will be my next read.

Jane, are you all right?

Thank you.

Hey!

You want to go out for souvlaki.

Not now Jene, I got a situation here.

You do know that by
souvlaki I meant Greek waiter butt.

I know, I just can't.

What's wrong?

I'm going through my sex journal...

for Kitty. Crossing out
things that might k*ll Edward.

When I started to notice something.

On the th of every month...

Greg surprises me in the shower
and we have amazing wonderful sex.

Yeah so?

Okay check this out and this was not
easy to figure out.

We have fun with food sex
every time there's a space shuttle launch.

Maple syrup whipped cream loaf of bread.
What did you do with a loaf of bread?

Dharma sandwich.

Don't you see gene there's a pattern here.

Wait a minute.

Everything you guys do is planned
out months in advance.

I don't plan out sex,
I'm a free-range chicken.

But Greg, look.

Are you gonna say something to him?

I can't say anything
until I'm absolutely sure.

How are you gonna find out?

Science Jane.

Science.

Um. Science.

Science.

Dharma !

Yeah.

You Ok with that? Is that fun for you?

Oh yeah.

You shivered me timbers.

Are you sure? Because you
seem like you weren't really into it?

No, no I always love pirate night.

Because I can
drop the whole very treasure.

No that's my favorite part.

The X could mark a different spot
from time to time.

What? Nothing.

Set on the parrot.

Hey is star's getting
a little hippie or is it the pants?

Jane, focus my sex life is in crisis.

I don't understand why you're so upset?

Nothing's really changed.

Are you kidding?

How would you feel if you were % sure you
were gonna have sex on the beach tonight?

Sweaty a little nervous.

I'm just saying there's things
we're better off not knowing.

Like what?

Like would it ruin it for you if you found out that stavros was a doctor
back home and he was just working here until he got his american license?

Are you saying Stavros is a smart?

He's a surgeon.

You take that back.

He's dumb and hunky,
and you know it.

See nothing's changed...

but now it doesn't work for you right?

No it doesn't why would you do that?

Just trying to make a point.

Stop, Rose come here.

Where is my medulla oblongata?

Coming right up we make fresh for you.

You scared the crap out of me.

So the doctor says kiss you Mrs
Johnson I shouldn't even be doing this.

That's not the way I heard it.

The way I heard it
the woman's name was mrs Taylor.

Really?

And how'd that one go?

Well there was this woman Mrs Taylor
and she goes to visit her guy in college.

Would you two stop
it's the same damn joke.

Jiminy Christmas...

what crawled into your pup tent.

You're not still bent out of shape because
I b*at you no I don't care about that.

Cause I didn't cheat I said
I didn't care.

Except I'm but you knew that.
Pete.

Where's that ball you lost in the woods.

No I don't care about the golf.

It's Dharma and me we're just having...

a little trouble. It's it's not important.

What kind of trouble?

Your house looks clean?

It's personal all right.

Ah the honeymoon's over huh?

No we still have
sex all the time it's just...

last couple of weeks she seemed...

detached.

But she still had sex all the time?

Yeah.

And your house is still clean?

Can we please not talk about this.

Look son...

I've been married a long time.

Uh to your mother.

And one thing I've learned is that
passion comes and goes.

And when it goes
you've got to stay the course.

Stay the course? Stay the course.

Do your duty as a husband and someday her
passion will return.

How long does that take?

I'll let you know.

This is Mrs Taylor, she's ...

hi!

Hey...

for you.

Thank you, this is unexpected.

What's the occasion?

No occasion just because I love you.

This is so spontaneous of you.

-Do you know what I was thinking?
-How did I know what you were thinking?

Why don't we take a little drive...

maybe down the coast get some
linguine at that little place on the pier.

Wouldn't that be nice.

Yeah it would be.

And maybe afterwards we can
take a walk down by the water...

and make love on the beach.

See you did know what I was thinking.
I'll get the blankets.

Oh god when will this nightmare end?

So you had sex on the beach?

And it was really romantic.

Oh honey I'm so sorry.

What should I do Abby?

Greg has scheduled
every moment of our sex life.

Well, not consciously Dharma.

It's not his fault it's just his nature.

Come on.

Are you telling me Greg is
pre-programmed to sip champagne...

out of my belly button
every time PBS has a fundraising drive?

Yeah, it looks that way.

Should I say something to him?

What would you tell him?

I don't know, that it's hard
to get all worked up…

about a guy sucking on your toes...

when you know he's only
doing it because his car got waxed.

Those don't sound like
helping words Dharma.

Wasn't there anything I can do?

Forgive
me for suggesting behavior modification...

but maybe there's a way that you could
gently sway him from his schedule.

And if that doesn't work?

Then you find
a way to love him flaws and all.

No Jane, I can't tonight.
It's movie makeout night.

No I can't say anything to him.

I might traumatize him.

I care.

Well I'm gonna try
some subtle behavior modification.

Dharma, movie's starting.

I'm coming.
I gotta go.

Sorry phone call that's okay
we've got all night.

Were you uh...

were you cooking something?

No.

Stay the course son. Stay the course.

Come here.

Love him dharma.

I'm telling you Pete,
I'm doing everything I can.

But it just keeps getting worse and worse.

Last night I swear she took a bath in
sour milk just so I would leave her alone.

Did you?

Of course not, I love her.
I, you know, stayed the course.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news.

You're a woman
makes love to you every night...

and she's just going through the motions.

That can only mean one thing.

She's covering up an affair.

Oh that's ridiculous.

Yo buddy...

a guy's wife makes love
to him every night...

but she's bored
from the pope to the smoke.

She's cheating on him.
Really?

How about you?

Your wife's doing you every night...

but she's bored
from the chitty to the bang bang.

Sounds like a classic case...

of marital infidelity.

Thank you. And what do you think?

Someone else is cooking
your old lady's duck.

I'm sorry man.

I can't believe that.
Not Dharma, I'm going home.

Best to call first,
you don't want any nasty surprises.

Thank you.

Probably it's someone you know.

Thank you.

Dharma!

Hey.

Where you been?

I stopped and had a beer with Pete.

Listen is there anything that you and
I need to talk about?

What do you mean?
Come on something's going on.

You figured out what I've been up to huh.

I'm not sure why don't you tell me.

Look it's not your
fault I'm the one with the problem.

But I'm afraid if
I go over the details with you...

it's just gonna make you feel worse.

How can you be so casual about this?

It's not the end of the world.

I mean it's not like it was...

premeditated.

So we're just supposed to
go on like nothing's happening?

Honey, we could talk
about this all night...

but we both know what's coming
next so why don't we just get to it.

Where are you going?

I want you to meet someone.

I can't, I can't do this.

Father Christmas mama cast
drop your pants I'll spank your...

Greg.

Hey!

Why did you leave?

I can't believe you're asking me that.

Why are you dressed like a cheerleader?

Because every time you
get your alumni newsletter...

you like to play big man on campus
and I thought the outfit would help.

How did you know about
the newsletter thing?

I told you I figured
out your schedule.

Is that what's been going on?

Yeah, what did you think
had been going on.

Nothing.

Or that I kind of thought
it was that I wasn't sure.

Don't worry I'll get used to it.

It's not like you were
doing it on purpose.

Wait, do you think
I was doing it unconscious?

What do you think?
I am some kind of freak.

So we actually sat down one day
and made up that schedule?

Oh god no it took weeks.

Why?

Because when...

when we got married I figured you were...

you know a little...

more advanced, maybe,

than me. and and and...

I had to come up with a way to keep you,
you know...

interested.

What?

Dharma, a guy like me goes out with...

Allison's and Emily's and Catherine's,
and you're...

Dharma.

It was a little intimidating.

Get out of town, really?

Really.

You're k*lling Emily now.

Listen, I know that I should have...

I should have given this up
a long time ago, but you know...

put a lot of work into it
and it was kind of doing the job.

What do you say we tossed the
map into a little off-roading?

Absolutely.

But can we start tomorrow...

cause the cheerleader thing's
kind of working for me.

-I know, I look pretty cute.
-Yeah.

Then, do you buy it or rent it?

No, I rented it.

We should buy it.
It will save money in the long run.

It's in the doctor's office, right?

Eexcuse me, gentlemen.

I want you to know my wife was not having
an affair...

she was just distracted...

because she figured out that I schedule
each and every sexual move I make.

You didn't consider that, did you?

I guess we're the idiots, huh?

So, anyway...

Mrs Taylor's up in the store...

Come in.

My, my my!

I didn't know you delivered.

So now what will I do?

You told me I wasn't
allowed to take off the apron.

I also told you not to speak.

Do you want me to go out
and come back in again?

Yes.

Kitty!

What?

Am I supposed to have the baklava with me?

Yes.

Come in.

My my my!

I didn't know you delivered.

What's the baklava for?