03x20 - Talkin' 'Bout My Regeneration

[bunniefuu]

And we put it in a bubble...

and we blow it away.

Well over the past several
years I've also lied to you a few times.

I never had a weak rest colonic.

I've never had a lesbian
experience and I've never mooned a cop.

Why would you lie about those things?

I don't know, you're my Mom,
I wanted you to be proud of me.

Okay I forgive you.

And we... put it in a bubble.

And we blow it away.

Anything else?

Yes, Okay.

Remember that one time
when I told you that...

me and some friends
were going down to Bakersfield...

to pick fruit with migrant workers.

We went to Disneyland.

So, I assume this is the first
time you've seen a karmic unburdening.

No, my family also has a tradition of...

confessing our sins
to each other every seven years.

Really? No.

You gotta admit it,
it's a little out there.

No Greg, it's science.

Every seven years all the cells
in your body are replaced by new ones...

and you don't want to saddle them
with the sins of the old.

Didn't you study biology?

Yeah but...
they didn't let us lick our frogs.

Anything else?

I've been doing an impersonation of you...

that isn't very flattering, but
you know gets big laughs.

What kind of impersonation?

Well, not so much of an impersonation
as it is an exaggeration.

For a comic effect
of how you act sometimes monthly.

Monthly?

Well, I can laugh at myself.
Why don't you go ahead and show me.

I don't want to.

I just don't know what good
can come of this.

You'll see.
It'll bring everybody closer together.

You're get back over to this house
right now, Larry Finkelstein.

Come on Abby everybody else
thinks it's funny Larry begs me to do it.

It's common knowledge.

If you don't unload your karmic baggage...

bad things happen to you.

Like when you break a mirror.

No...

that's a superstition.

This is science.

I remember once I
skipped and I'm burdening and boom.

I lost the best job I ever had.

Well maybe you just
weren't right for the position.

No you're not listening.

I lost the job.

They said start Monday.

I bought a new shirt...

got in the car early Monday morning...

drove around for hours couldn't find it.

Finally...

just went to the movies.

You can come in now.

So how'd it go? Fine.

Just fine.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna return your Mom's pasta maker...

and I figured while I'm over there
I'd unburden to her.

To my mother?

Yes. You're going to...

confess to my mother
everything you've ever done to her?

Since you met her yeah this
could take a while don't hold dinner.

You can't go.

Why not? Because you...

um haven't unburdened me yet.

I thought you said it was silly.

That was before
I saw you do the bubble thing...

and then Larry explain
the scientific aspect.

Okay. Hey if you want...

we can return the pasta maker.
Thanks Larry. Great.

Let's go Abby.

OK.

Out okay should we take the van or...

my broom.

Abby we put it in a bubble.

She said she put it in a bubble
but she did not put it in a bubble.

Hey Celia...

on Friday night Dharma's having
a little party...

to celebrate the completion
of her Karmic burdening.

Can you come?

It sounds like a barrel of monkeys.

But Friday nights I
clean a dentist's office...

for a change of a bridge's work.

Wait a minute.

Don't you have a dental plan.

Yes.

I cleaned the dentist's office,
and he does my bridge work.

I think it's a pretty good plan.

What does your
union representative say about this?

Who is your shop steward?

What on earth is he doing in there?

You don't suppose he's waiting
for us to come in and say hello.

Excuse me Mr Mrs Montgomery.

Yes.

I am on strike.

Now storm out.

Larry, what is going on?

You'll find out when you get
our list of demands.

Well I guess we should have said hello.

Okay.

About two weeks after we were married...

one of your old girlfriends called...

and I chose not to give you the message.

Really?

I also told her that you were in prison...

and gay, and seeing someone.

Okay.

And we'll...

put that in a bubble and we'll...

blow it away.

What else? OK.

Well, one time when we were having sex,
I pretended, you know...

that I didn't have an orgasm.

You faked... not having one.

I wanted to go again and I didn't want
to have to wait in line. I'm sorry.

OK, bubble and blow.

I won't do it again. All right.

Anything else?
I did it like more times.

All right.

Next.

That's it thank you for doing this.

Where are you going?
I'm going to your mom.

No, you can't go to my mother's.

Why not? Because...

this whole thing
has inspired me, and I want to...

un-burden my...

karmic baggage to you.

Really? Sure.

Okay rookie, let's see what you got.

OK, here's one.

Do you remember the pigeons nest that
was right under our bedroom window?

The one the hawk got?
Well, there was no hawk.

Cooing and the chirping was driving
me nuts so I moved the nest to the park.

You can't just move a bird's nest.

The mother will never
be able to find it...

and the chicks will starve to death.

I... I know that now.

Oh my god.

I'm... I'm sorry.
But I've unburdened and...

and you're right I feel so much better...

karmic baggage-wise.

You m*rder*d babies?
Not babies, pigeons, rats with wings.

Those poor birds; Wendy and Janine
and big Tony, and little Tony.

How do you sleep at nigh?

Actually much better they
were right under the window.

Come on, blow the bubble. OK.

Is that it? Can I go to your mom's now?

No, you can't go to my mother's now,
because there's more, there's lots more.

Okay, go ahead.

You remember that gnarly spider we
had in the kitchen?

No, not charlotte.

But most importantly...

we have to show our strength.

We have to stand together.

The only thing that can destroy us...

is dissension within the ranks.

It's only me Mr Larry.

Good.

Now...

how about a nice cup of tea?

Okay. Oh no.

You're not a maid in this house.

You're our guest.

Abby!

Can we have some tea, please?

Well, as long as you're up.

You know...

I have done so much for those people...

I think I deserve this.

It doesn't matter whether you deserve it.

You're entitled to it.

Mrs Montgomery isn't
an easy woman to work for.

Very high strong.

If I didn't switch her
real coffee for decaf...

she would be bouncing off the walls.

She doesn't know you give her decaf?

Oh no.

And I water down her martinis...

so she won't get drunk.

And every time she asks me for
a Valium I give her a mild laxative.

Wow.

I can't imagine what
she'll be like without you.

I can.

Hello!

Dad hello anybody home.

Oh, Greg. Hi. Listen...

Dharma's on her way over...

I kind of need to warn mother
about what she's doing.

Son, this really isn't a good time.

Oh Gregory... perfect.

I have laundry to do.

Up.

Don't look at me, zip her up.

Won't you come home Bill Bailey?
Won't you come home?

I've ride the whole night long.

Hey! Who want's cofee?

What the hell is going on?

I don't know,
she went to the change six months ago.

Maybe she's changing back.

How much she had to drink?

No more than usual.
Has anything upset her?

Maybe it's the Celia's business.

What's the American federation
of Montgomery household worker?

Celia.

Since when does she have a union?

Since your father-in-law organized her.

Hello!

Hey!

What are you doing here? I just...

dropped by to see my folks.

To tell them I love them. I love you dad.

Oh all right.

Edward!

Look...

your old clothes fit too.

Are they role-playing?
Should I come back some other time?

Actually I think this is the
perfect time come on dad.

Should we call mother's doctor?

Tomorrow morning I
might get lucky tonight.

Kitty...

can I talk to you for a second?

Absolutely.

What's up paper cup?

Well...

there's a few things that I've done
to you that I'm not very proud of.

And I thought that I wanted to unburden
myself to you...

and ask for your forgiveness.

I love it. One two three go.

Okay.

Let's see here.

Remember that big charity
event you had at the museum?

I just want to tell
you that it was inappropriate of me...

to bring a sick
monkey even though he was in a little tux.

Dear, dear...

Is that all that's troubling you?

Oh no there's tons more.

Drag queen in the jacuzzi?

Okay.

Oh so that's how the patio
furniture got to Mexico?

You're forgiven.

Really?

I mean after
all you didn't do it on purpose, right?

No.

No, no.

How can anyone do this kind of
thing on purpose?

Good. Now, if you'll excuse me.
I think I might get lucky tonight.

I... I called Celia's house,
they said she was here.

She might be.

I just need to talk to her for a minute.

Dad says she knows how to deal
with mother when she gets...

the way she is.

Are you here speaking as an
official representative of management.

I just need to talk to her.

Quick. Celia's on strike.

As her union representative...

I demand that an official representative
of management...

be sent to negotiate. Fine.

I'm the official representative.

You are the official representative...

of the montgomery household domestic
management?

Yes Larry yes.

Good. We have nothing to say to you.

Oh yeah, yeah. One time
when I was babysitting your monkey...

I took him to a fancy party
without telling you.

Is that where he started smoking again?

Do you know how hard it is to
get a nicotine patch to stick to a monkey?

Sorry.

I think that's it, you're the last one.

You even unburdened the kitty?

Yup.

What did she say?

As long as you didn't do it on purpose.

Then she forgave me.

Cool yeah.

I am right with the universe.
Bring on the next seven years.

Oh Man.

I paid bucks for this coat.

Hey my husband's the pigeon k*ller.

Are you all right?

I'm fine I'm fine.

I'm okay I'm really sorry about
your dinner.

It's okay it's not like
you did it on purpose.

I want it on record that I object to the
fact that we're meeting a management turf.

Larry nobody's keeping a record.

Then I want it on record that I object to
the fact...

that our record is not being kept.

The record will still reflect.

What's it gonna take to get Celia
back to work?

I'm not paying her another nickel.

She's worth twice
what you're paying her and you know it.

Hold on hold on dad
how much is she making right now?

Plenty how much?

How do I know?
The accountant pays the bills.

Larry, do you know?

Do I know what?

I'll just let you guys work it out.

Is that soup?

Yeah.

Is it coming out?

No.

I think you're gonna have to dye
the whole thing to match the pigeon crap.

Let me see.

What's the matter?

Door's stuck.

Give me a hand.

Are you pushing or pulling?

Pushing. Then I better pull.

Never mind, never mind,
I know what to do.

Hold on. Ok.

I don't think you're
gonna get through that way.

Yeah I'm starting to have my doubts too.

Damn my ample bosom.

I'm gonna try and climb over the top.

What do you gotta stand on?

What do you think I'm gonna stand on?

Well put some paper down.

Careful thank you.

By the way...

I'm sorry we missed the movie.

That's okay.

It's not like you did it on purpose.

All right I've written a number down.

Assuming it's more than celia makes it
is my final offer.

I think you can do better.

You didn't even look at it.

That's why I said I think.

Are these the only pickles you have?

Finkelstein, look at the damn number.

Let me ask you a question Ed.

How's your wife
been doing since the union walked out.

What are you getting at? Heads up.

Kitty!

Yes Edward. What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?
I'm carpeting the house. No thanks to you.

Coffee.

What I'm getting at is...

if you meet our demands...

I guarantee your little domestic
problem will go away.

That's milk.

All right.

You win what are your demands?

You're ready to hear our demands yes I am.

Do you want to pick this up in
the morning?

I'd really appreciate it thank you.

So do we sing happy birthday or something?

It's not a birthday Pete,
it's a karmic re-birthday.

But basically it's the same song, right?

We made snacks.

Hope you're hungry.

Honey, you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay, I'm okay. I'm okay.

She's okay.

Now what happens?

She lights the ceremonial candle
of the next seven years.

Should I get the fire extinguisher?

Sure. Where is it?

Under the sink.

Close close.

Okay.

Thank you for coming everybody.

There's guacamole dip...

but on the kitchen floor.

So be careful it's very...

oh sorry. You okay pumpkin?

Yeah I'm fine.

How about you?

My pumpkin's hurting.

Let's do this.

All right.

We're gathered here to welcome dharma
to the next seven years of her life.

So Dharma,
I want you to take this candle...

and pass the flame of life...

from days gone by to days to come.

Hold it.

Dharma, smile.

Thank you.

Are you okay?

Sorry, I'm so sorry.

I'm fine, I'm fine.

It's not like you did it on purpose.

All right Dharma let's go.
Where are we going? You'll see.

All right look.

All those things on my list the monkey the
drag queen the stuff I said was chilly...

the confetti, the cantaloupe,
the water wiggle...

at the garden party.
I did it all on purpose and I liked it.

No...

I loved it.

Hello Dharma. Hi.

Hi Ed. Hello.

Anyway...

Kitty, I want you to know
that I'm really sorry.

And I hope you can find it in your heart
to put it in a bubble and blow it away.

I beg your pardon.

Can you ever forgive me.

Of course I can forgive you
dear I forgive you.

Thank you so much,
you're an incredible woman.

Okay I gotta go I'm the re-birthday girl.

What was that all about?

Oh for heaven's sakes I wasn't listening.

I feel as if somebody
opened my head and poured in hot nickels.

Here you go mrs montgomery.

Just the way you like it.
It's strong? Like a bull.

Here take this.

What is it? Let's say it's a Valium.

Where is your uniform?

It's casual Friday...

it's in our new contract.