03x23 - Hell to the Chief

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Dharma & Greg". Aired: September 24, 1997 – April 30, 2002.*
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Free-spirited Dharma, a yoga instructor and dog trainer, meets and falls for polar opposite Greg, a Harvard-educated U.S. attorney.
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03x23 - Hell to the Chief

Post by bunniefuu »

People! People!

Obviously there is a lot of emotion
surrounding this issue...

so why don't we all take
a deep cleansing breath...

and we'll table the bike rack issue
until next week.

Yes Dharma.

Is it possible to move
my Thursday night yoga class...

because it's kind of hard to concentrate
with all the crying and screaming...

coming from the beginner's
acupuncture class next door.

That's not my class.

That comes from the sex for seniors class.

That's not what you think.
We do stretching exercises.

Don't say any more,
I don't want that picture in my head.

I thought the Asians revered the elderly.

Not horny one.

People! People!

Obviously there's a
lot of emotion surrounding this issue too.

OK.

So next on the agenda...

choosing a president for next year.

All in favour of Abby, raise your hands.

Oh Dharma please let's have
a proper election I'm not a Veda.

Come on Abby,
nobody ever runs against you.

Well, maybe it's time someone did,
and in that spirit I nominate Dharma.

Me?

People should have a choice.

-All right, Marcy?
-I'm sorry.

No no.

-You didn't do anything wrong.
-I'm sorry, sorry.

No, listen...

would
you please preside over the election...

while the nominee is step outside.

Will the nominees please step outside.

OK, everybody that wants to do this
by a show of hands, raise your hand.

Why did you do that?

Because you're a strong capable person...

who won't mind when she
loses a silly election.

You can come back in now.

Oh boy! That was fast.

You ran a good race honey.

Let's have a big hand for the president...

of the San Francisco
alternative educational cooperative...

Dharma Montgomery.

Oh crap.

Abby thank you for dinner.

It's just my little way of congratulating
our brand new president.

Thanks Abby.

Are you sure about not being re-elected?
Oh of course sweetie.

People spoke.

Plus I get to spend
more time with your father.

Yay.

All right you want some of this cake?

No, Larry doesn't eat refined sugar...

or bleached flour
or commercially grown chocolate.

No, I never do. Even when I'm at your
house and Abby's not there, I don't no.

You never do it.

Larry, we have to go.

Yeah what
play are you guys seeing tonight?

Oh it's this wonderful new theater
piece called the vag*na monologues.

Sounds interesting.

It does, but it turns
out it's just women speaking normally.

-Enjoy your dessert.
-Bye.

-Bye. Thanks.
-Bye guys.

-Love you.
-Love you too.

She hates me, my own mother hates me.

Dharma, your mother never hated anyone.

So you understand
how bad I feel being the first.

Dharma.

KD!

Hey, what's going on?

-I'm good, good to see you.
-You too.

Greg, you remember KD Lang?

Yes I remember, KD Lang.
She stayed at our house.

You're a lawyer, right?

It's what says in his underwear.

Yes I am.

Do you think you could handle
a little situation for me?

Sure, absolutely.
Call or come by the office at any time.

Thanks I will I'm
so sorry to interrupt your supper.

-No, no.
-But it's so good to see you.

Well, how about that?

You spend time with one
of the world's greatest singers...

and your mother doesn't hate you.

I really appreciate you coming down
here to help me out on my first day Abby.

Why wouldn't I help you out honey?

You're our duly elected president,
not like you staged a bloody coo.

Maybe I should call
a locksmith about the door.

Good for you.

First day on the job
making changes left and right.

I'm not gonna make a lot of changes Abby.

Honey you're the president now.

If there's something you feel
needs to be done, you do it.

I have always thought we should
clean up this bulletin board...

you can barely see the class schedules.

Well that's your call, honey.

Like this cat,
this cat's been missing for years.

Even if he is still alive, he probably
doesn't even look like this anymore.

That's not true.
Hands across America, over.

Call me about fed fen, I don't think so.

Free Nelson Mandela rally...

well, unless they're giving away free
Nelson Mandela's, that's over.

All right, let me show you your office.

Yeah, you know, maybe...

we should call repairman about
that elevator too.

Yeah, we had one in a couple years ago.

He put up that nice sign.

Sorry it's such a mess.

What is all this stuff?

It's the supplies for the juice bar.

Why don't we store it
in the broken elevator.

You're just a good
idea factory on way to go street.

Did someone find whiskers?

No Claire, I just took the sign down.

Why?

Well he's been missing since .

We have to consider the possibility
that whiskers, you know...

it's no longer with us.

Are you trying to
tell me my whiskers is dead?

Or that he's living on a farm...

with a bunch of children who love him,
and mice that fear him.

Where are you going? What do you care?

You can't just leave,
what am I gonna tell your students?

That I'm on a farm with mice and children.

What jerk took down my sign?
I got garage for a Mexican fan fan.

I don't get it, why wouldn't you
just hire a real entertainment lawyer?

I don't know maybe
she got tired of all those...

high-priced phonies and wanted to
hire someone she could trust.

A guy who sells car stereos.

If you're gonna pick
at me I'm not gonna let you meet her.

Turn it on your friends?
Nice, very Hollywood.

-Hello!
-Hi, come on in.

I hope you don't mind but,
I asked a friend of mine...

who's with the US attorney's office
to sit in, just in case there are any...

federal issues we need to work on.

I don't think there are.

You worry about the music,
I'll worry about the law.

Katie, this is Pete Cavanaugh.

-Pete, Katie Lang.
-Hi P, how you doing?

You and my wife have a lot in common.

Really? Yeah, she's Canadian.

And she doesn't like
sleeping with men either.

Small world.

OK, here's the thing. I'm just trying
to get this cleaning fee back...

from this apartment I sublet last year.

Cleaning fee.

You've got the right man here.

Thank you, Pete.

If this isn't your thing,
I totally understand.

No, no. I'm happy
to help you in any way I can.

OK, here's the lease
and the number there...

to the recording studio where
you can reach me if you need me.

-Cool, I'll jump right on this.
-Thanks.

-Say hi to Dharma for me.
-I will.

So what are you doing down there at the
recording studio? You're cutting a record?

Yeah.

Great, well, how... how uh...

how long has it been
since you caught one... record?

It's been a couple of years,
anyway I gotta go, thanks.

-All right. Catch on the flip side.
-OK.

Hey Greg. What?

Ask me how long it's been
since I cut a record.

Wait, wait. What are you doing?

Got to take the door back to the shop.

-What?
-It's an old door.

I can't tell what's going on
till it's x-rayed.

You're kidding right?

You're a smart girl.

We'll have it back
to you in a couple of days.

Hang on, don't you have
a loaner door or something?

Loaner door? That's good.
I'm gonna use that.

-What's he doing with our door?
-Well, it wasn't locking right.

This is much better.

Susan.

Please can you do me a huge favour?

Claire's taking the day off.
Can you take her sex for seniors class?

I'll take them outside and hose them down,
how about that?

Or show them a dirty movie, whatever.

Come on horn-dogs, follow me.

Hi, I'm calling for the San Francisco
alternative educational co-op...

my mom said you're
the guys who fix our heat.

No, no that's the holistic
educational co-op we're on coal street.

No, that's the institute for alternative
education.

We're across the street two doors down.

Hang on one sec.

Mercy! I just took
all this stuff out of here.

I'm sorry but we can't
keep it in the elevator...

because it doesn't lock and some
bird brain just gave away our front door.

That's president bird brain to you.

That was great KD.

Really incredible.

She can't hear you.

Try it now.

That was great.

I'll come in.

I'm Katie's attorney. I'm handling
some real estate matters for her.

Super.

-So, what'd you think?
-Me? You want to know what I thought?

Very catchy very snappy.

Summer thing,
I can't get it out of my head, it's a hit.

Go ahead tell that to the record company.
They don't hear it as a single.

They don't think it's a single?
It's more than a single, it's a home run.

Anywho,
I brought these papers to you to sign.

Should be able to get
that deposit for you ASAP KD.

They're all letters. Anyway um I gotta go.

OK, I really appreciate this.
Thank you so much.

Well I really...

appreciate what you do. I mean...
cause you know...

nobody...

does it better. I mean
that's Carly Simon, you know...

she's good but she's no you.

Now I'm late, bye!

Yeah hi, I called earlier about the heat,
and no one has shown up yet.

Yeah? Well I've got a colonic
irrigation workshop on the third floor...

and there are people up
there actually freezing their butts off.

Great, have your guy come see me.
My office is in the elevator.

Because you can't store
fruit in an elevator...

when some bird brain
gives away the front door.

Little help!

Dharma in the hall.

Hello!

Dharma!

Greg!

Dharma! Where are you?

I'm in the wall.

Keep talking,
I'll crawl towards your voice.

What? You're where?

Hey wait, I see a light, I think... yes!

I'm saved.

-Can you open this get me out?
-Sure.

How did you... how did you get in there?

The elevator went down to the basement...

but the door down
there was all bricked up...

and by the time
I realized that I could shout...

through the heating vents
everybody was gone.

And then the heater came on which is good
for people getting enemas, but not for me.

Then I found a cat skeleton,
probably whiskers, hard to say.

I'm sorry I don't understand.

It's okay I didn't
understand at first either...

but a girl does a lot of thinking when
she's crawling through the heating vents.

Bench everything leads back to Abby, Greg.

She was so upset when I won the election,
and she set me up to fail.

-What? How?
-Ok.

I said, "Why don't we clean up
the bulletin board?" she said, fine.

I said, "why don't we fix the door?"
she said "good idea".

I moved my office into the elevator she
said I was smart. Get it, see the pattern.

-Did you know the door's gone?
-I know the door's gone.

OK, I think...

I think that's got it.

-Now, easy darling, hold on to me.
-Ok.

Whiskers huh I was right.

Come on, let's get you home. Hey hang on.

Honey, I gotta tell you...

I can't see that your mom was doing
anything to sabotage you.

It sounds to me like she's
been nothing but supportive.

Yeah, that's the plan Greg.

She's supportive while she gives
you just enough rope to hang yourself.

Believe you me Greg,
she is a diabolical genius...

who will stop at nothing till she gets her
little mitts on that presidential sword.

People! People!

Please come home.

Wait, I can't leave, there's no door.

What? What about this?

There's just another thing Abby
conveniently forgot to tell me.

OK, OK.

-My own mother, Greg.
-I know she's a diabetic.

-She's a diabolical genius, Greg.
-I know.

So let me
see if I understand this correctly.

-This woman...
-Betty...

-Betty...
-Betty... Silverspoon.

-Betty is plotting to take your job.
-Right.

I had a similar situation
a few years back.

Some young Turk
was trying to squeeze me out.

What did you do?

I promoted him.

I made him chief operating officer.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Then I set up a shell corporation,
transferred the assets out...

let the original company go bankrupt
leaving him in the hot seat.

What happened to him?

He's cleaning pools for a living now.

Does a pretty good job.

It's very clever Edward, but...

takes too long.

Let me tell you something, Dharma.

When Evelyn Lansdale...

tried to push me off the refreshment
committee of the woman's auxiliary...

I told anyone who would listen...

that she had never had
an affair with a plastic surgeon.

Not even when she was drunk.

Were people saying she had?

Not till I denied it.

What happened to her?

Well, I can tell you for a fact...

she is not selling cosmetics
out of the trunk of her car.

Wing wink.

So, you just ruined these people's lives?

They started it.

Well, thank you so much I...

feel I have a lot
of really great ideas to work with.

Good. Oh wait, wait.

Edward, tell her about that fella
who turned into the IRS for tax evasion.

Yes that's a cute story.

I was in a little fender bender, probably
my fault, then the jackass sued me.

-I'll show myself out.
-Yeah dear.

Go on, Edward.
I love this story, I love it.

OK, Charlie, let's take it
from the top of the second chorus.

Hey, how's the man behind the music?

KD, he's back.

Hey Greg.

Great news. I called your lawyer in
Vancouver and I got the record contract.

You're right you can't pick the single...

but what you can do is
k*ll the album which I did.

-You didn't what?
-I k*lled the record, but relax.

It's just a negotiating technique.

We play a little hard-ball
and they cave on the single.

Are you crazy?!

Are you a dumb ass?

I thought we all agreed it was the single.

Mission accomplished.

You took my mother's class? Yep.

Was she suspicious?

Yeah, a little.
It's a menopause workshop...

I was the only one there with eggs.

What did you find out?

Sometimes after
the change you get a little pooch.

But you can just wear a long shirt.

What about me? Did my name come up?

No.

Okay...

do you think my name
didn't come up on purpose?

Susan, calm down.
I'm sure Dharma has a plan.

We never had this problem with you Abby.

Your daughter's drunk with power.

Or just drunk.

Yeah that's it. That's why
she reminds me of my mother.

What's going on? What's going on?

-Your new class schedule sucks.
-Yes.

What's wrong with it?
I did everything everybody wanted.

Wait a minute this is not my schedule.

Whose is it?

I don't know maybe we should ask Abby.

Why ask me?

Come on, who else has something to
gain by making me look bad.

How can you say that?
I've been nothing but supportive.

Yeah sure, clean up the bulletin board...

fix the door good idea you call
that supportive?

Yes.

Well, maybe on
the outside it does look kind of good.

But what about the schedule?
Who else would put up a fake schedule?

Me I did it.

Larry? Why?

Because when your mother was president...

I had time to myself.

Time to eat meat and cake.

And watch kung fu movies.

But now, I'm stuck in the front row
with a vag*na monologues...

with a baggie full of trail mix
and I hate it.

-Larry Finkelstein!
-I know.

Hate, is not a helping word
and I don't care, I hate it.

This is so good whole family's crazy.

Mom, I'm so sorry.

Sweetie that's all right.
You weren't thinking clearly.

You know I was stuck in the wall.

Honey, no one knows better than I
the weight of the mantle...

of the presidency of the San Francisco
alternative educational cooperative.

Thank you. You're the most
forgiving woman in the whole world.

She sure is.

Come on Larry.

Ok, but you know when I said I ate meat...

I meant the figurative meat.
The meat of life.

All right. I know a lot has gone on
in the past week.

I've made some changes,
and I upset some people...

and hurt some feelings.
So let's just deal with this right now.

-OK, good night everyone.
-Good night.

Hi, listen...

I don't mean to be a nudge, but it's been
three weeks...

and we really need our door back.

What do you mean what does it look like?

All right, just bring it back
as soon as you find it, okay?

You have our address it's on the door.

Hi.

Hey, check it out
Katie sent me her new CD.

-That's nice.
-Look, read the liner notes.

Special thanks right after Heather for
the fruit smoothies...

and Derek for walking my dog.

Greg Montgomery...

the record company
cave they went with our singles.

That's great.

-You're still fired, right?
-God, yes.

Dharma! Come quick the kiln
blew up in the erotic pottery workshop...

and there are red hot
ceramic penises everywhere.

All right.

Looks like I'm gonna have my hands full.
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