04x06 - Sleepless in San Francisco

[bunniefuu]

Let's name him...

Quasar.

Quasar Finkelstein.

I don't know, it's cute when he's a baby,
but not later on.

Yeah, we can still put it on the list.

I don't know what was wrong
with Fuzzy-Shoehorn?

I think we should name him
something unique...

that nobody's ever heard of before like...

Fremlick or Keldenfleur.

Agrosma.

-Hello little Agrosma.
-Hey, he likes it.

All right, that's it, that's it.

For two weeks now,
I've been listening to you guys...

try to name this baby
after lawn furniture...

and planets and colors...

and feelings and trees...

Yeah, Dogwood.
Whatever happened to Dogwood?

Never mind what happened to Dogwood.

It's not a name, and neither
is Adirondack or Tetherball or .

Look, you give a girl a freaky name
and it's kind of cute but...

You think my name is freaky?
Yes, but that's not my point.

If this kid walks onto a schoolyard...

and says, "Hi my name is Fountain-Pen
p*ssy-Willow Finkelstein,

he's gonna get the tar kicked out of him.

Tar! Tar! Tar!

-Tar.
-No.

-Yes, that's nice, Tar.
-No.

Give him a regular name,
like David or Michael or Stephen.

Honey, I didn't realize you had
such strong feelings about this.

He's my brother-in-law.

That's very loving of you, Greg.

You know, actually I was thinking
of naming him Harold after my father.

Yeah, That's very nice, Larry.

But you know that if we're gonna name
him after an ancestor...

I've always liked
Christian for my grandfather.

That's a good idea.

Why don't you call Miami beach,
and tell my mother Esther Finkelstein...

that her grandson's name is Christian?

You know what? maybe I will.

And while you're at it why don't
you just s*ab her in the chest.

Fine and maybe if she lays there dying
she'll stop calling me Amy.

She's hard of hearing, I told you,
she's hard of hearing.

She's hard of heart, it's what she is.

Was that my fault?

Not really.

Let's make a pact that
when we have kids...

we're not putting
ourselves through this.

Absolutely a boy will be Joe
or Bill or Tom.

And a girl have a freaky name,
like: Sunshine space tweezers.

See no it's cute for a girl.

This is great family tree.

Baby's first words you know everybody
should do one of these for their kids.

If they can these things are hard.

Where did mommy and daddy meet?

Who knows that kind of thing.

Maybe you can come back to that one larry.

Well he's asleep.

I ran out of animals.
Old MacDonald now has...

robots dinosaurs,
and a bug zapper on his farm.

Nice.

Dharma, while you're up honey
would you get me some more apple juice.

-I'll get it.
-No I'm up.

Here we go.

All about daddy.

Where was I born?

Man! They could at
least make it multiple choice.

New york city larry.

That doesn't sound right but okay.

Everything's delicious Dharma thanks.

Honey, why don't you set down,
your food's gonna get cold.

Ah daddy's favorite song?

Jimmie Hendrix, "Hey Joe".

it reminds you of that time
you drove cross country...

with one arm
bob and you never got any sleep...

because every time you drove
you had to do all the shifting.

Favorite song...

One arm Bob.

I got it.

I got it.

Hello!

Sure I would love to hear about
your long-distance phone company.

Sweetie do you want me to get the baby?

Uh-oh daddy's favorite movie.

It's a tide lawrence of
arabia and fits the cat.

Right.

Sure how could you choose.

Now throw it!

Throw it!

Man!

You know
sometimes I think they can't hear me.

Peter you...

do you know your dad's favorite movie?

Muppets take Manhattan, why?

Maybe it's just me.

What?
I don't know anything about my father.

Dharma knows the name of the
girl her dad took to his high school prom.

Larry went to a prom?

Junior year. Senior year he ran
a kind of concession in the parking lot.

There's our, Larry.
Yeah.

You know my dad...

uh he lost his virginity at his prom.

To his english teacher.

He told you that?
He told everybody it's a great story.

She still flunked him.

Hey where you been?

I went straight from work to my mom's to
help her out.

Now I gotta get a change
of clothes and go right back.

You're gonna spend the night there again?

Honey the baby wakes up every two hours...

and with Larry working nights
Abby's just exhausted.

Well I'm sorry about that, but...

aren't they kind of
taking advantage of you?

You're taking advantage I'm
helping that's what you do for family.

Okay I just was hoping that...

tonight...

was...

you know.

Monkey love Monday, I know.

I was looking forward to that too.

Do you want to do something really
fast right now nothing fancy no tricks?

Take it.

You know I'm sorry I really don't have
time, I gotta change and get out of here.

Joke.

Just watch the game.

You know if you're
really hurting we could run a dirty movie.

Watch the game.

All right we could
kiss for a while with our shirts...

all right?

Nothing fancy no tricks though.

The game.

♪ If that mockingbird don't sing... ♪

♪ Dharma is gonna buy you
a diamond ring. ♪

He's up? Diaper.

Oh again?

Yes, you know what baby say about
breast milk?

You don't buy it, you're in it.

I'll try to get him to sleep.

No you get some rest
you're gonna have to nurse him in an hour.

Oh you're an angel.

♪ And if that diamond ring don't shine. ♪

♪ Dharma, is gonna buy you ♪
♪ a big green line. ♪

♪ If that big green line
don't squeeze... ♪

♪ Dharma is gonna buy you
a house of cheese. ♪

♪ If that house of cheese gets moldy, ♪

wow that was great honey.

Were we done?

Oh yeah you rocked my world.

See in the morning.

We'll go again if I got a minute.

Don't you want to talk or...

or cuddle or something.

No I'm good love you.

I feel so cheap.

♪ If you don't go to sleep real soon, ♪

♪ Dharma is gonna scoop out ♪
♪ her brain with a melon baller spoon. ♪

How long is she gonna make us hold
this?

I don't know but I'm dying here.

Morning...

sorry.

Hey!

Look who's up.

Hi.

-All right I'm off.
-Edward,

did Gregory say why he wanted
to have lunch with you?

I couldn't make much sense out of it
something about wanting to get to know me.

For heaven's sakes, Edward. It couldn't be
that.

Why don't you write these things down?

I'm pretty sure that's what he said.

And you're sure
he didn't want me to come along, as well?

No, he was very clear
about that, just me.

Now doesn't that seem a bit odd?

Well, I didn't give it much thought.

No, you don't suppose.

You don't suppose he
developed some sort of an issue with me,

and he's trying to forge
an alliance with you?

Possibly.

Unbelievable!

Boy! You sacrificed your life for these
children and this is how they repay you.

Okay well, see you later.

And remind him...

I nearly broke my tailbone
giving birth to him.

I'll try to work it in.

Dad...

I don't want to talk about mother's
tailbone I want to talk about you.

-All right, but if she asks I told you.
-OK.

This is nice, isn't it? Just you and.

Do you remember
the girl you took to your prom?

Sure.

Well, what was she like?

Nice gal.

Tall gal.

Did you, did you like her?

Yeah, I suppose I liked her well enough.

Did you ever play an instrument?

I took...

clarinet lessons as a child.

I stopped.

I don't know why.

Clarinet?

Might have been an oboe.

Oboe's nice.

No, it was a clarinet.

There you go, Very nice clean diaper.

Oh no, no, don't go to sleep.
No don't go to sleep. No no.

Come on, we get
the whole night ahead of us.

Come on, hang in there with me,
Big Eye, you can do it.

Oh, I am so screwed.

There you are.

Honey...

listen I know how hard
you've been working...

and I'm starting to feel like
I'm taking advantage of you.

No, no Abby, you're not.

Are you sure?

Well, finish your thought.

Do you remember Becky...

who helped take care of you
when you were little?

Becky who used to give me
piggy back, right?

I called her, and she said
she'd love to help.

Oh that's great.
Thank you, Abby.

Thank you god.

-When will she be here?
-She's here now.

Beckky, Come out of the kitchen.

It's gonna be great to see her again.

Who is ready for a piggy-back ride?

Why don't you take the first one?

Here you go Becky.

One soft boiled egg...

wheat toast, lightly buttered...

no crust.

And two street runes.

Skinned?

-Yes, skinned.
-Oh, good.

My feet are swollen.

No maybe you should stay off them today.

Hi. What a Kn*fe.

They expect me to sleep sitting up,

they have got to get me a better chair.

Baby come on over and have your dinner.

It's eggplant lasagna.
I hope you didn't go to too much trouble.

You know dharma made you dinner.

Must be nice having Becky here.

So you have time to
putter around the kitchen.

Don't anybody move.

Dharma, let me help you? That's so nice,
but you're just a voice inside my head.

Hey brought your stuff oh gene thank you,
so much.

Did you remember the cappuccino
triple sh*t grand A.

Oh sweet nectar of the gods.

They don't have coffee here?

Chicory.

And can I just tell you something chicory
sucks.

Chicory dickery sucks.

I brought you two changes of clothes
shampoo my parents make their own shampoo.

Does
it suck I think it's made out of Chicory.

Why couldn't Greg bring this stuff over?

Because I didn't want a luxury
thinks I'm being taken advantage of.

You look like hell.

That's weird because I feel like crap.

You button your shirt wrong.

Yesterday I had a book
in my pants all day nobody said a word.

Good, you're doing okay? Yes I am.

Okay then.
Try to get some sleep thanks I will.

Don't tell Greg.

Are we going to be doing
this lunch thing every day?

No I just you know thought that this
was a good way to get to know you better.

I'm not dying, am I?

Not as far as I know.

Good,
because I'm thinking of ordering a reuben.

Uh would you
say that that's your favorite sandwich.

No not really.

I was thinking you, you probably...

don't know much about me either.

You're not dying, are you?

I'm fine.

Good. Two reubens.

For instance, do you remember
Christina Parker?

No.

She was my girlfriend's
senior year of high school.

Okay.

And do you remember that Easter break...

when I said that I was going camping...

with some guys?

I think so.

Well...

I wasn't completely honest
with you about what went on.

OK son, I see where you're going here.

Anything that happens when you're
young...

in the woods with a bunch of fellas.

Dad...

I was with Christina we
spent the weekend in a motel.

I don't feel you have to make
up some story about a girl.

Just don't talk about it.

It's not a story I was with this girl.

Son, we had two boys
in my outfit in Vietnam...

they got cut off from the rest of us,
spent three weeks alone in the jungle.

When we found them they had...

they had...

kind of set up house together,
if you know what I mean.

Dad...

that's not it.

The w*r ended they came back stateside...

they both got married to a couple
of nice girls had families one of them...

is a...

United States Congressman. The
other fella is...

his personal assistant.

That's very interesting,
but I want to talk about you.

Oh I never did anything like that.

All right.

Whatever it is
I feel no need to apologize.

From the day that you were born...

I have done everything
humanly possible to be a good mother.

To keep this family together and
if that is not good enough then frankly...

you are one ungrateful young man.

Oh hello Reuben.

Dharma!

Listen I invited a bunch of people over
to see the baby.

So do you think you could heat up a
pot of your chili?

You invited people over how many?

I don't know nine or ten.

At the same time?

Well if there's not enough chili just
make some sandwiches, nothing fancy.

-Hello! We're here.
-Hi.

Where's that beautiful baby?
I want to see him, I want to see.

What a look on that beautiful face?!

Oh I want to eat those cheeks.

Keep it down!
I just got Becky to sleep.

Harold Christian
Finkelstein is such a beautiful name.

But if my mother asks...

the C stands for Irving.

I don't know how you do it Abby?

You look terrific.

-Thanks, Joyce. I feel good.
-And you're keeping the house up.

My daughter had a baby last year she's
years old her house was like a kennel.

Oh I couldn't live like that.

I still can't get
over how wonderful you are.

Oh please you know it's funny too...

cause I remember
being just exhausted with Dharma.

I guess it's true what people
say the second one is easier.

Hey! Here's a thought.

Maybe the second one is easier because
the first one is doing all the damn work.

Don't look at me like I'm a crazy person.

Who has stayed
up every night with this baby? Me.

Who has changed him burped him,
and dressed him? Me.

Who has gotten Larry
ready every night for work?

Who has cooked every meal this last week?

And who found your teeth?

I'm not sure they're mine.

Fine whatever.

You're on your own now.

Because I'm going home
where I can get some sleep,

do my laundry...

do my dishes, and
if I have any strength left my husband.

You know, no matter how much
you try to include them...

the first one is always a little jealous.

Thanks Ed, that's all I needed to know.

Sure if I think
of anything else I'll call you. Bye

you got nothing right?

First love? Phyllis McCarthy.
She broke his heart.

He still keeps one of her hair ribbons
in a cigar box on his desk at work.

He just told you that?

Biggest regret?

Not stopping Lena Horne
for an autograph in New York in .

Favorite color? Sky blue.

Favorite song? Tijuanai Taxi.
Favorite band? Tijuana brass.

That makes sense.

Biggest fear decapitation.

Favorite movie?
A little bit of a surprise here...

the piano the piano?

Well it is a woman on
an island who doesn't speak.

I'm sorry I can't keep my eyes open.
No go to bed. Good night.

Oh check out the bottom of page three.

Wait! What does this mean:

"My dad hailed Kitty after two dates?"

that's an end honey.

Oh, I didn't want to know that.