04x10 - Dutch Treat

[bunniefuu]

Listen everyone...

while you're stretching.

This Sunday at the civic center...

is the international convention
of yoga instructors.

A lot of really big names
are going to be there.

Shakki Kuthra Pali...

Paramahansa, Yogananda Mahesh...

just to name one.

There's gonna be
fasting and meditating and mantra.

The Buddhist clown's gonna be
there so make sure you bring the kids.

Hi Dharma.

Hey Donald, what are you doing here?

I was hoping to talk to you,
but you've got a class.

I think the word
you're looking for is Wow.

Wow?

So what's up? How's college?

Lousy. Do you know who that is?

Laura yeah, she's a model.

Yes, she's a Victoria secret model.

And so she, and so she.

Well, Laura started taking the class...

and then she brought
Melanie and Kristen.

Donald, do you need a glass
of cold water to drink?

Or pour over yourself?

No, I'll be fine.

Guys, this is Donald Ridgely.
He's my neighbor, he's also a huge fan.

Hi.

I have all your catalogs.

I got to start my class.

Is there something you want
to talk to me about?

I don't know.

You know...

want to come over for dinner tonight,
and talk about it.

Yeah, that'd probably be better.

Oh my god.

She's wearing the body flex
v-neck camisole...

with the hidden
bralette shaping from page .

It's available in black
and white and red...

and lemongrass...

you want to make it our little
Victoria's secret that you knew that.

Yes please.

- OK, I'll see you at dinner.
- All right.

Do you need me to pick up
anything at the store.

Because you know
I do have my own car.

Nicely done Donald.

I mean they're beautiful in the catalog...

but it's a whole different
experience in real life.

I mean they move and talk...

your dad's not knocking on the
door asking if everything's okay in there.

Dharma, how come you never
mentioned that...

you had Victoria's secret models
in your class?

Do I look stupid to you?

Fair enough.

So, Donald...

Dharma tells me you're having...

a little trouble at college.

Yeah, it's really tough.

I study all the time and I can't sleep...

pretty much live in terror
then I'm gonna flunk out.

And you feel like everybody else gets it
and you don't and you just want to...

sit in the dark and cry.

Yeah.

Man, I miss college.

- What's your major?
- I'm pre-law.

Way to a law school,
ulcers, nervous tics...

I had a blinding headache
behind this eye for two semesters.

Best time of your life.

Greg, you're not helping.

Seems to me Donald needs
to relax a bit, and get some rest.

He'll rest when he's dead, right Donald?

That sounds nice.

Look I never went...

but it seems to me there's more to
college than just hitting the books.

It's parties and football and...

having sex with some girl just because
you're both reading beowulf, right?

Would that work?

Dharma, Donald has chosen the law...

for whatever reason. Maybe...

he had a role model.

The point is it's hard work...

but at the end of it he can look himself
in the mirror and say, I did it.

I am a lawyer.

Greg, you had no fun
and you end up talking to yourself.

Donald, if you want to get a head start...

maybe you can intern at my
office and see the law in action.

That sounds pretty cool.

Not so fast.

He can intern with you, provided
he sets aside one night a week...

where he gets to raise
a little hell and chase a little tail.

- What'd you say chase a little tail?
- Yeah.

Oh you're an unusual woman, Dharma.

Duh.

Do you think you can hook me up with
one of those victoria's secret models?

Yeah.

Why don't we try a nice girl
from the JCpenney catalog...

and see how that goes?

Ok.

Here's your lunch sir.

Thank you my good man.

- Did you get my dry cleaning?
- Yes ma'am, it's on your desk.

Hey guys, Donald is not here
to run your errands.

Oh no, but I have to type all day.

It's your job.

Now come on people the young man
wants to become a lawyer.

He wants to follow in the footsteps...

of Abraham Lincoln
and Clarence Darrow, he wants to...

overcome injustice
to protect the downtrodden.

Now let's give him a chance to
experience the nobility of the law.

All right.

Here's a little bit of injustice
we'll be overcoming today.

Mr Charles Haskell.

He wants to sue his plastic surgeon...

because he feels
his breast implants look unnatural.

That would be a tort case.

And here's another exciting case
we have in the works...

we're meeting later
with this gentleman.

He wants to sue the Warner
Brothers company...

because he believes
he is the real Pepé Le Pew...

and they have stolen his persona.

Also a tort.

Or a contract law for cartoon skunk
walks through the door.

You know what?
Just don't send the kid out for lunch.

Hey guys.

Mr Montgomery, your wife is here.

Thank you Marlene.

Honey, I need to steal Donald
for a couple hours.

He's working I thought
we agreed he was going to intern for me.

I know but I think
I got him into a fraternity.

- Really?
- It's not a done deal,

you're still gonna have
to paint your butt purple...

and run naked through the quad
but it's just a formality.

Dharma,
I am teaching him about the law.

Honey these guys were very nice to me,
and I don't want to keep them waiting.

The boys at the frat house
were nice to you, Dharma?

Yeah, they made me a little sister.

I can go to any of their parties
anytime I want without an invite.

Come on let's go.

Do you mind Mr Montgomery?

This sounds like it could lead to friends.
Go go.

I know it's embarrassing to be naked...

but I'll be right there
with you holding your hands.

Mr Montgomery,
there's a gentleman here.

I believe our three o'clock is here.

Hey!
Hey, where have you been?

Bonfire.

Actually it was a caterer
until these crazy frat guys...

decided that they didn't
like their lawn furniture.

Smell me, I'm smokey.

You kept Donald out until midnight?

He's still going.

Last time I saw
Donald some really cute girl...

from alpha zeta gamma was
helping him get the paint off his butt.

Dharma, you say you want
what's best for Donald...

but how is partying all night
gonna help him get through school?

He's living live he's having
new experiences.

You should have seen him
run across that quad naked...

one cheek purple one cheap gold.

It's a really
beautiful tradition I got all misty-eyed.

Dharma!

Donald is not you, you know...

you've had an amazing life,
you've done interesting things.

You've flitted around,
but let's face it you kind of got lucky.

What?

You wound up in a situation
where you were taken care of...

and that is not gonna happen to Donald.

Excuse me.

Taken care of?

Don't change the subject,
you know what I mean.

I know what I heard.

You think you came in here with your job,
and your money and you rescued me?

Well, for your information
I paid my rent...

I bought my groceries,
and I didn't need anyone to save me.

I'm sure you didn't honey,
I just want to talk about Donald.

Ok, honey.

Let's talk about Donald.

I don't want Donald to wind
up years old...

and rap so tight he doesn't know
how to have a good time.

Who are we talking about now?

We're talking about someone...

who is lucky enough
to have someone like me...

come along.
So you saved me?

Don't make this personal, Greg.

Someone like me saved someone like you.

I knew how to have
a good time before I met you.

Come on Greg,
you're the only person I have ever met...

who worked hour days and
still managed to get eight hours of sleep.

It at least I didn't do my furniture
shopping on bulky item trash day.

You love this couch.
You said you got this at pier one.

I said I got it at a pier.

You know what?
I can't talk about this now.

Where are you going?
We're having an argument.

I know but it's after midnight,
and I have to get up at .

That's my salt,
your salt is on the counter.

The groceries bought with your money
have blue stickers on them.

Come on Dharma.

This is ridiculous are you sure
you want to go dutch?

The groceries bought with
my money have pink stickers on them.

Fine...

got it.

What's that?

Chilean Seabass with
a butter saffron sauce...

with side dishes of wild rice,
and asparagus dips.

- What you got?
- Top Ramen.

Smells...

good.

Wait till I put the flavor packet in.

Chicken.

So Donald tells me you convinced him
to add a new class to his schedule.

International law.

He tells me that you moved him out of
his parents house...

into some kind of garage.

It's carpeted and the
big door lets a lot of light in.

Sounds wonderful.

Yeah, I figured you know it's healthier
to cut the apron strings now...

than have him resent
his mom and dad forever.

Someone like you could understand
something like that, right?

That would be my side dishes.

Very nice everybody excellent.

And hold that position.

Hey Vic, good stretch.

Listen, you haven't paid for class
in three weeks.

Did you bring any money today?

No, I didn't I'm sorry, I'll
bring it next time.

Well, next time doesn't feed
the teacher, bye-bye.

Just go.

Hey Phil, nice stretch, listen...

you're a couple weeks behind
in your payment.

Now we could do this the easy way...

or the hard way?

Honey I don't
think you want to eat that.

Oh my, it's fantastic what's in it?

I don't know, you have to ask the vet.

It's the low sodium Volkswagen.

Dharma...

we were about to go to bed honey,
is there something we can do for you?

Hold on.

Yeah, what's up with not giving
me an allowance?

What?

I've been thinking most kids get an
allowance, and I never got an allowance.

We wanted to reward you
with love not money.

Yes but...

don't you think giving kids
an allowance...

teaches them
to spend money responsibly...

so don't blow it all on
an antique paper mache cap sculpture...

and then have to eat top ramen all week.

Well I guess there
might be something to that.

I really think you should consider
giving my little brother an allowance.

All right.

Good, now I don't want to
make a big deal out of this but...

if Harry gets an allowance
then I should get one too.

-You're a grown woman
-Exactly.

So I'm thinking I'm gonna need
, bucks a week.

Sorry I got home so late.

Did you have a good time
tonight all by yourself.

I had a great time actually I forgot how
much I enjoy spending time by myself.

Good what'd you do?
A lot of fun stuff.

It was great.

Good, I'm glad you're doing
so well on your own...

because I've added
a night yoga class.

Which night?
Every night.

Well, I'll be fine I...

I got lots to do.

Fun stuff. Lots of it.

Good.

What's up with the light?

I unplugged it, you haven't
paid your half of the electric bill.

Come on.
Dharma...

going dutch was your idea.

Fine.

You enjoy your light.

I'll just lie here
and play with my breasts.

Pete, I'm a free man tonight.

Do you want to go to the movies,
or go bowling or something?

Actually I can't I'm taking
Dharma's night yoga class.

That's the one with the
victoria's secret models in it.

No I'm taking the one
with the crusty old sailors.

There you go sir, $ .

Hey what's going on?

Mr Cavanaugh
hitting exactly at the track.

Pete we talked about this.

I didn't send him out for lunch.

I said no errands.

I'm sorry Greg I heard no lunch.

Now remember put the original
back in the petty cash.

Hey Donald, how about...

you and I go downtown tonight
and observe night court.

You know you get a gritty up-close look
at the law I saw a guy bite a judge once.

That sounds great but I can't.

I had to get a night job to pay
for the apartment Dharma found for me.

Yeah that was a bad idea, she
kind of pushed you into that didn't she?

I also have a ton of homework...

from the international law
class you signed me up for.

Hey, if you can't go you can't go.

Hello.

What?

Aren't you gonna ask me
if I'm free this evening?

Oh uh...

are you?

Am I what?

I'm sorry, Marlene,
are you free this evening?

No.

But thank you for asking.

Mom, how's my dad?

What you and dad
are doing this evening?

It's Greg.

And we're breathing deeply.

And we hold.

I'm so happy.

- Hey.
- Wow, you weren't kidding.

I almost didn't recognize that one...

without the nylon spandex miracle bra
and black white buffing platinum.

I'm sorry, I know I invited you...

but this is a bad idea,
maybe you should just go.

No, no. Here's my bucks I'll sit in
the back you won't even know I'm here.

No I can't.

We both know you're not here for yoga,
it's just not right.

I have about bucks.

It's not about money these women
are my students, they're human beings.

And release.

I can't exploit them,
no matter how hard up I am.

All right, how about a hundred bucks?

Fine, but you have to do the yoga.

Fine.

Everyone this is my friend Pete...

he's completely gay.

Maybe I just haven't found
the right chick.

Well, this is certainly delightful.

I can't remember the last time
it was just...

the three of us for dinner.

Yes this is nice.

When are you gonna cut the crap
and come to work for me.

Edward I thought we agreed we were
going to do this a bit more gracefully.

Oh right.

How's work Greg?

Guys private practice
is something I want to do...

and Dharma supports me well.

I'm sure she does, dear.

I'm sure she would support
you in anything that you wanted to do.

Yes she would.

That's why it is pointless
to discuss your future when she is here.

She puts a cork in your mother
better than anyone I've ever seen.

Edward please.

Greg, your father
is not getting any younger...

I implore you to become involved
with the firm...

before the stockholders realize...

your father only goes to work because
he can see tugboats from his window.

Hear her out on this son.

Look, I've told you a thousand times...

that I'm not interested
in working at the company.

All right.

Fine, I'm sorry I brought it up.
It's all right.

What?

It's just that when
you were growing up Gregory...

I tried to be that small quiet voice...

gently urging you
to make the right choices.

Now there's a...

another voice in your life,
a younger voice a louder voice.

She means Dharma.
I got it.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Chinese takeout?
- Yup.

Shrimp and Lobster sauce,
imported beer new shoes.

Very nice.

Did you sell some blood?

No.

Just managing my money.

How is dinner at your folks?
Well, you know the usual.

Very nice.

All right, you win, you saved me.
Oh you saved me.

I totally pimped out my class
for shrimp and lobster sauce.

I got a glimpse of what my life
would be like without you tonight...

and I never want to see it again.

I came this close
to going to work, for my dad.

Well how'd you get out of it?

I agreed to be on
a mother-son charity fashion show.

Yikes.

I have to wear an ascot
and a yachting cap.

Hi Donald.
Hi, look...

I'm returning your pants
and your popcorn maker.

I'm moving back in with my parents.

- How come?
- Good for you.

Maybe, you know, you can...

quit that job
and put in more time studying.

He needs to have a life Greg.

Look, I know what you guys are doing.

What are we doing?

Well I came to you complaining
about how hard things were in college...

and the two of you showed me
just how hard things could be.

That's not what we were doing.

Either that or you were working out
some twisted marital problem...

using me as an unsuspecting pawn.

-No, it's the first one.
-Well, thanks.

-Good luck to you Donald.
-Very smart picking up on our plan.

Make a fine lawyer.

Have we completely forgotten
about Donald.

Completely.

I don't think we screwed him up
too bad, do you?

You want to talk screwed up?

I'm a grown man
and this Sunday my mother and I...

will be wearing matching outfits.

Hey Pete, you want to go out
to lunch with us?

Well, I'd like to
but uh I've got some plans.

Hi Pete.

We're so glad you agreed
to go out with us.

And thanks for not making us
fight over you.

It's no problem angels.

He's so hot.

You know, if you guys aren't that hungry
why don't we just go to my place, huh?

-Sounds great.
-I'm OK.

He's so hot.

What just happened here?

Don't worry honey,
it's just Pete's dream.

What?

This isn't actually happening,
we're in Pete's dream.

No, that can't be right.

Fine, you explain to me why...

three victoria's
secret models are fighting over Pete.

Excuse me...

is it Pete Cavanaugh?

I have a very important
legal question only he can answer.

Okay it's a dream.

I'm sorry mr president, but he's
gonna be gone for a couple hours.

Oh sh**t.

You want to come out to lunch with us?

No thank you,
I have a hat full of waffles.

Waffly.

I've got syrup in my pants.