04x14 - Educating Dharma (Part II)

[bunniefuu]

-Hey, I got a question for you.
-sh**t.

But first you have to know that
I took notes for Donald today...

and I found out that all the stuff
Larry taught me was bogus.

So I decided to go to college.

Not because I'm angry at Larry,
but because I really want to go.

I made some calls and it turns out that
the diploma Abby needle pointed for me...

isn't going to cut it,
so I got to get my GED.

Which brings me to my question...

if a train leaves Boston at ...

and another train...
-Hold it.

You're gonna go to college?

Maybe, if I could figure out
what time these trains collide.

-You're Ok with that, right?
-Sure.

-You don't sound very enthusiastic.
-I'm sorry, I mean...

if this is actually
something that you're gonna...

follow through with
I'm right behind you.

I'm going to follow through with it.

Spray-painted a little graffiti on the
front window of the Jenny Craig store...

I'm sure if you...

-clean it up and apologize...
-I didn't really do anything, I just drove.

Trevor, and Jason were the ones
who painted the big pig.

I wouldn't worry too much about it.

I'm sure everybody understands
it was just a harmless prank.

-I'd like to audit your class.
-Really?

You want to be here even
though you don't have to be.

I love this class.

The way you spoke about
Richard Nixon opening up China...

I felt like I was right there
asking Mao to pass the duck sauce.

I'm in love,
are you married?

Yeah.

If you really want to take
my class I'd be glad to have you.

How about we do it in trade, I teach yoga.

Deal, I've always wanted
to learn yoga.

-Really.
-Sure.

Great, if you stretch my mind,
I'll stretch your body.

I mean...

I'm married, I mean... I'm sorry.

Listen Brandon I really understand
what you're going through.

Your parents are never around
and then they...

try to make up for it by buying you a trip
to Europe or the big fancy sports car.

-They didn't buy this.
-Really? Then how did you...?

Hey, how about this?

I'll go with you and then
we study afterwards.

-I don't know.
-Come on, it'll be fun.

We'll pretend I'm your new girlfriend,
make the ex a little jealous.

Well, here we go.

That's her, huh?

Follow my lead.

Come here, you.

Ok, here we are, my apartment...

where I live with my husband.

Dharma, about the thing at the party.

Forget the party,
you are gonna love my husband.

God knows I do.

It's late, I don't to bother.

Why would you bother him?
You're my friend.

There's nothing to bother him about that.

Hey Greg, I want you to meet my friend
Charlie, who I told you all about.

It's weird he's usually
very dependably here.

-Maybe he's in the shower.
-I really should go.

No, why should you go?
There's nothing wrong.

Sit, you stay.

You stay.

She meant me.

-He's not here, maybe you should go.
-Okay

Hey, there's that husband of mine.

Honey, this is my tutor Charlie.

-Hi.
-Hi, nice to meet you.

-Where you been, pumpkin?
-Jail.

I need a drink.

He's not usually in jail.

Don't we have any scotch?

He doesn't usually drink either.

Damn it.

Just give him a minute cause
you guys are really gonna hit it off.

I'm gonna take a shower, they put you
in a jail cell with a toilet right there.

He likes you, do you see the way he
opened up to you right away.

All right, maybe you should be going.

Greg, Charlie's gonna go.

-Greg says bye.
-Ok, bye bye.

That was fun.

I've been thinking about how you could pay
me back for bailing you out last night.

-Yeah, and?
-Nothing.

Just want you know
I've been thinking about.

Let me know what you decide.

I could use a couple days off.

-I guess It'll be Ok.
-To think about it.

Why don't I just
pay you back the bucks.

Sure and I'll just forget
about the gas money...

and the Howard stern pay-per-view
special I'd already ordered.

-How's ?
-I stopped it in Harvey's on the way up..

-Hello husband, hello Pete.

This is a surprise,
I thought you'd be studying.

Come on Greg I don't spend
every minute with the guy.

-What guy?
-Charlie.

-Oh charlie.
-OK, can we get off of Charlie.

I just came by to surprise
the guy I love with a nice picnic lunch.

-Here Pete I made you a sandwich too.
-Thanks.

You're welcome,
now go eat it in your car.

All right.

Salad sandwich is very classy.

Would you like your lunch first
or your dessert?

Dharma, I'd love to
but...

what?

I have a meeting in a few minutes.

Okay.

Look I know we haven't been
spending much time together lately and...

I'm sorry, and I'll make it up
to you, I promise.

-That's okay it's no big deal.
-I'm sorry.

I can leave you the lunch
but dessert comes with me.

Hi.

-We need to talk.
-Sure.

Come on in.

Yeah I know it's not much to look at so...

-try not to look.
-No, it's great.

Get your books, your calendar,
your plant...

yeah, It's just temporary
until a divorce is final.

Then I'll be moving into a cardboard box.

Then you'll have a little more light.

Boy here sid can I get you something
no thanks I'm fine I can't stay long.

Okay.

Well...

what's up.

Charlie we need
to talk about what happened last night.

Okay...

what happened last night?

Nothing, it was an innocent
and platonic kiss,

intended to make your ex-wife jealous.

It certainly works she called me,
and demanded her plant back.

And it was innocent and platonic?

To tell you the truth
that's what I thought...

for the first two-thirds of the kiss.

And then it kind of took a turn there.

Charlie, I'm happily married...

and I love my husband...

and you're a hell of a kisser.

-Charlie.
-I'm sorry.

I never meant for anything like this
to happen, and I know you're married.

Happily.
Right.

But if that should ever change
I just want you to know...

half of all this could be yours.

Well thanks that's good to know.

But in the meantime...

friends?

Friends.

All right, so I'll see you
at yoga tomorrow?

Great, and afterwards maybe we can...

go over any last minute
questions before you take your GED.

Great, it's a deal.
OK.

-I guess we did that already.
-Yeah.

All right...

so I guess I'll go see...

just friends?

-No chitty chitty bang bang?
-Nope.

That's not going to work.

Hey I have had plenty of friends guy
friends who are just friends.

Name one?
What about Albert?

-The crossing guy?
-Uha, just friends.

You see him once a day for five minutes
and he's years old and he wants you.

Just because a man says that
he can still drive at night

doesn't mean
he's hitting on you.

I think you're kidding yourself Dharma,
men are beasts.

Bottom line they all want to jump you
like a dead battery.

Just this morning the bus driver
asked me if this was where I got off.

Do you believe that?

I would have said something
but it was my stop.

So how hot is this Charlie guy?
Can we fry an egg on his pants or what?

Oh yeah.

Know what, all right, OK.

There is nothing going on with Charlie,
and me.

Can we please change the subject?

So when is she going
to see him again?

Tonight they're studying.

Better go home and shave your legs.

You know what you want?
No, I'm waiting for a friend.

Ok, would you like something
to drink? Glass of wine?

No, we're just friends we're gonna
be studying we're not drinking wine.

You drink wine
when you're on a date.

Oh can I have a beer
though friends have beer.

-Would you like a beer?
-No, I don't think so.

-I'm gonna wait and see what he gets.
-OK.

But what if he comes here
and sees I don't have anything...

so he wants to order
a bottle of wine.

-Better get me a coke.
-OK.

-With a sh*t of Rum.
-OK.

-No, wait. No rum.
-OK.

Hey Charlie, buddy, over here.

-Hey Dharma, sorry I'm late.
-That's OK, you're not late.

-I just cracked the books.
-Good, geometry your favorite.

-We'll start with that.
-OK.

-Do I get a bottle of wine?
-Sure.

-All right.
-I gotta go.

Obviously...

I have feelings for Charlie.

That doesn't make any sense because my
feelings for Greg haven't changed one bit.

If anything I'd love him more now
than I did the day we met.

Oh Dharma you know better than that
feelings don't have to make any sense.

It's true.

You know what summer sausage does to me...

and yet I have dreams about it.

Larry, that's not the same thing,
that's a h*m* thing.

You just say that because
you don't like me eating meat.

It works too.

Dharma how long
have you known this man?

Just a couple of weeks,
but the connection is so strong.

I really want to find a way for us to
be friends I just don't know how to do it.

Well, I think you know
what we're gonna say.

Continuing to see this man,
and suppressing your feelings...

is just gonna cost you so much pain.

You're right.

So the only thing to do is go to Greg,
and tell him the truth,

and hope that he's comfortable
welcoming Charlie into your marriage.

What?

The notion that a relationship is
restricted to two people is arbitrary...

and imposed by societal convention.

Yeah, some people are meant
to live in pairs...

and other people are meant to
live in warm loving...

clumps.

And that's what's good for them.

You remember Herb and
Sheila and Lois Tupperman?

-Tupperman were a clump?
-A very happy clump.

You know Herb has
almost zero cholesterol.

Ok, but you guys my thing
is not the same as the Tuppermans.

Sure because that was two women and one
man...

but the emotional issues are the same.

I'm not going to live in a Menage a toi
with Charlie and Greg.

Then you really do have
a dilemma on your hands.

-You were fantastic.
-Thank you.

-You weren't too shabby yourself.
-Thank you.

And you.

You...

you were incredible.

I can't take all the credit,
I had a little help here.

No, no.

You were more than holding up
your end, bravo.

Thanks.

-Good night.
-Good night.

-Well done.
-Nice working with you.

Hey.

Hey.

-What time is it?
-Nine o'clock, were you sleeping?

No, I was studying. Getting ready
for my big test tomorrow.

-Where have you been?
-I'm sorry I should have called, I got...

No, you don't have to call, I trust you.

Trust is one of the strongest parts
of our marriage.

Okay.

So where were you?

The Brandon kid's parents are splitting
up, and his mother needed a good lawyer.

I introduced her to Howard Radnor
my friend who does divorce work.

That's too bad, how come you're
helping her not the father?

She asked me.

That's understandable.

Beautiful vulnerable woman asks you
for help, of course you say yes.

I wouldn't call Nancy vulnerable.

Nancy?

You call her Nancy.

I suppose she calls you Greg.

Yes she does.

That seems perfectly normal, two adults
calling each other by their first names...

till : at night, there's nothing
to feel guilty about them.

-Dharma something bothering you?
-No.

Why? Is something bothering you?

No.

Greg, clearly something
is bothering you...

otherwise you wouldn't
be projecting it on to me.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Maybe you should think
about it for a while.

I just want you to know that
I love you, and I trust you...

and I know it's nothing
you're going to act on,

so it won't change
anything between us, Ok?

I should get some sleep if I want
to be sharp for this test tomorrow.

That's probably a good idea.

Wait a minute, my turn.

I want to raise a glass of this legal
intoxicant...

in honor of my daughter
who passed her GED...

and will be the first Finkelstein
to go to college.

-Larry, you went to college.
-OK, just wait a minute.

-Since me.
-Say it Finkelstein, well did.

My turn, first of all I have
to apologize to Dharma.

When she told me she wanted to
do this I didn't take her seriously.

But if there's one thing I've learned...

it's that this woman can do anything
that she sets her mind to including...

convincing a busy college professor
to tutor her on his own time.

Charlie, thank you for giving Dharma
the help, the encouragement...

and the pats on the back
that I wasn't there to give.

-To Charlie.
-Yeah.

And Dharma thank you for being my teacher.

You inspire me in so many ways.

And here's to spending the
next four years...

sleeping with an attractive
college co-ed...

and with any luck, it'll be my wife.

Speech!
To graduates.

Well, thank you everyone for coming.
I really appreciate all of your support.

Why don't I get some more shrimps.

To sleeping with co-eds.

-Would you like some help?
-No, I'm fine.

Sure?
-Things under control.

Your professor seems like a nice fellow.

Yes.
Very handsome, very charming.

He's just a friend.

-I thought he was your tutor.
-He is, he really is.

He's really more my tutor
than my friend.

My friend Evelyn had a french tutor.

The two of them live in New Jersey now.

-Kitty, nothing happened.
-Nothing happened?

OK, some stuff happened but not the
kind of stuff people usually talk about...

when they say stuff happened,
in that regard nothing happened.

All right, good.

Then I suggest you say adir
before something does.

I thought we could just be friends...

but I guess I'm going to have
to put an end to it.

-Good.
-And I have to tell Greg.

-Tell him what?
-That I had feelings for Charlie...

-and that there was a kiss...
-Dharma, listen to me.

You cannot tell Gregory any of that.

-I have to, Kitty.
-Why?

So that you can feel better?
And Gregory can be hurt?

Our whole relationship
is based on honesty.

Look Dharma,
we both know that you are not...

the woman I would have chosen
for my son...

but you are the woman that he chose.

Now, if you want to leave him
for that man, then leave him.

But if not...

at least have the courage to bear
your burden in silence.

Hurry up, I want to take a group photo
with the graduate before dad passes out.

-She'll be right there.
-OK.

I'm supposed to go out
there and live my life...

and let this thing knock
on my soul forever?

Yes.

It's called love.

Don't forget your shrimp dear.

Good, Ok, everybody over here
we're gonna take a picture.

Here we go.
Alright.

Or by the couch,
everybody by the couch.

Dharma, get in there.

Hang on a second,
I do want to say something.

I just want to thank the person...

without whom I would not
have passed this test.

And without whom
I would not be saying whom.

You were right
to doubt that I'd stick to this.

Because I spent my whole life...

being open to new things,
which is good...

but you showed me that
if there's something you really want...

something that's
very important to you...

you should not let anything
or anybody get in the way of that.

-So thank you.
-I love you.

I love you too.

OK, everybody loves everybody.

We're going to take this picture or what?

Charlie, get in here.

You know, I really should be going.

Dharma, tell him
he's got to be in the picture.

I think Charlie obviously
has somewhere else to be.

Goodbye Charlie.

-Bye... congratulations!
-Thank you.

-OK, everybody squeeze in this.
-Ok, everybody smile.

Jeez!