04x16 - Judy and Greg

[bunniefuu]

Oh god!

It is so boring, I can't take it anymore.

It is not that bad.

-How would you know you were sleeping.
-I was not.

Fine, what's the greatest danger...

to the architecture of
a classic Victorian entrance way?

Earthquake.

The correct answer is well-intentioned,
but misguided remodeled...

Ok, I was sleeping. Come on,
we gotta get back in.

Really?

You really want to go back in there?

Ok, we made a donation,
we made an appearance we can go.

We made a donation, why?

That just means this is gonna
happen again next year.

Oh, who gives a rat's ass?!

-Hi.
-Sneaking out, huh?

Damn straight. Listen,
if your mother asked for me...

tell her I had a heart att*ck
and was rushed to the bar.

-Come on.
-Dharma!

Let's go in there that sounds like fun.

We can't, it's somebody's
high school reunion.

I'm sure we can.
Look, these people never showed up.

You kind of look like Todd Botner.

And I'll be...

-Judy Ballard.
-Dharma this is the reunion.

You don't look .
Well thank you.

I work out, I watch what I eat,
I stay out of the sun, come on.

Dharma, please we're not going in.

Todd?

My god, you look fantastic.

Have you lost weight?
Well, like you know...

I watch what I eat,
I exercise, I stay out of the sun.

-Are you married?
-Yeah.

Happily?

We have our moments,
she's not here tonight.

Dance with me.

Your idea Judy.

anyway, after Jacques d*ed
I had to do most of the diving myself.

So learning to hold your breath...

when we were shoving your head
in the toilet really paid off?

More than you know,
I really owe you guys.

Did you ever get up close to Greg's wife?

A little too close my friend,
I've got the scars to prove it.

I'd like to see those scars.

I'd like to show them to you
but there's...

somebody at home
whose bight's a lot worse.

Judy?

Paula Schmidt, look at you,
how have you been?

Judy Ballard?
Yeah, that's me.

God, been a heck of a years huh?

Doesn't seem like just you
put you in a fully loaded celica...

for a lot less than you think.

I can't believe you had the nerve
to show your face here.

Good talking to you,
remember, no credit no problem.

Hey guys, what's shaking here?

Besides this thing right here,
and when did that happen right?

Everybody remember Judy Ballard?

How could I forget the woman...

who's responsible
for the worst night of my life?

Figures you'd look this good.

Well, I work out,
I eat right, I stay away from the sun.

That was a little awkward, huh?

So guys, reunion odyssey,
rock the cats pop.

God Judy, don't you have any shame?
What is wrong with you?

I'm not sure.

You can walk around here
with that phony smile of yours...

but that's not gonna erase four
years of being a class A bitch.

Yeah Judy.

I'm sorry, I had a great time.

Good for you. Everybody hated me.

No, honey, everybody hated Judy Ballard.

What could she have done that
would justify me being treated that way?

Apparently she was a real number,
you remember that woman sandy?

You mean your hustle partner?

It seems you slept with Sandy's
boyfriend on prom night.

Well, that's her story.

-You want to hear her full story?
-Yeah, what's with her?

Legend has it that you put crazy glue
on the mouthpiece of her clarinet.

-Is that why she has that...?
-I'm thinking.

Wow, I suck.
No, again, Judy Ballard sucked.

Can you believe those people
have been carrying...

all that pain and anger for years?

So?

What?

What do you think we should do...?

I don't think we should do
anything about it.

That's where you and I different.

Honey, that's where you and everybody
on the planet different.

You see we were at
that reunion for a reason.

No, we weren't.

The universe put us there
so that we could heal...

the heartache that exists
between Judy and the class of .

How do you know that?

Give me one other reasonable explanation
for what happened tonight?

You got me, I didn't think it through.

I can go to all those people as Judy...

and apologize for everything
that I/she did wrong...

it'll be great,
think of all the healing that'll happen.

Ok, maybe it is the universe...

but how do you know the universe
isn't just screwing with you?

Greg, the universe doesn't put
those people through years...

of pain and agony to
play a little joke on me.

Once again I didn't think it through.

-Finkelstein.
-What's so good about it?

All right.

Sorry Ed, just that since
the baby was born...

I haven't been having
a lot of sex with the old lady.

You do understand
that this is a workplace?

I'm sorry, I'm a little frustrated.

If you've got personal problems,
try not to bring them to work.

Sorry.

This sort of thing happens in a marriage
you've got to find a way to deal with it.

Try getting a hobby...

I recommend drinking.

Nah, that's not for me.

Alcohol dulls the senses.

I like to stay sharp.

Security!

I tell you I don't know how much longer
I can survive on three times a week.

Yeah, but keep your chin up.

Hold on.

You're getting it three times a week?

If it wasn't for the gardener
routine I'd be down to twice.

Oh you poor guy what's a gardener routine?

You know, you stripped to the waist...

you let us see you out there
digging in the garden getting sweaty.

Hang on.

Security.

All right buddy, come on,
this isn't funny anymore.

He'll call you right back.

Are you digging in the garden what then?

Three items only.

Miss you have four.

Fine but you have four.

Hi, Anthony baltomo go tigers.

Judy, what are you doing here?

I just wanted to talk to you,
you know...

apologize for all
the miserable things that I did to you.

I was wrong.

I hope you can forgive me.

Really?

Yeah really.

So you
think that you could just walk in here...

and make up for everything that
you ever did to me...

and think that...
excuse me.

Three items only, miss.

Ok.

I understand you're upset,
why don't we just go through this?

What would you say is
the worst thing that I ever did to you?

How about me
doing your homework for two years...

with the understanding that
you'd be going out with me.

And we didn't?

No, we did not.

And did you bring up the homework thing?

Look Judy...

for years I've been
afraid to love because of you.

Afraid to believe in myself,
to reach for the...

hang on a second.
Three items only!

It's three, get to read the sign.

Actually Anthony, you are responsible
for your own life...

and if you want to be happy,
you have to do the work.

Of course
it's my fault.

God Judy...

you haven't changed a bit.

No I have.

You got to believe me,
I'm a completely different person.

Actually ma'am
I think it's just three items.

Hey cupcake I said three.

Well we raised .

No thanks to Mr Mrs Herbert Danfield.

.

Well they're having expenses.

He bought his mistress a new BMW.

I think next year we are going to do
a dinner cruise...

but we'll decorate the boat
like a Victorian house.

Excuse me.
Yes.

Is that your husband outside?

Oh my god!

Excuse me.

Edward what are you doing?

I'm digging in the garden,
working up a sweat.

All right dear.

Hi.

Is it raining?

No.

Kathy Denby pushed me into her pool.

Who's Kathy Denby?

Some stupid girl from Pep school
who's holding a grudge...

because I slept with her father
and broke up her family.

Yeah she overreacted it's nothing compared
to some of the other things I've done.

Judy's done.
Whatever.

No, not whatever, Dharma.

It's the bright crisp dividing
line between sane and looney tunes.

It doesn't matter because I
got a new plan.

Good...

check this out.

It's an invitation to Matthew
Slocum's birthday party on Sunday.

Who's Matthew slocum?

Who's Matthew Slocum?

Track football, student council, national
merit scholar. Oh that Matthew Slocum.

I swiped off Kathy Denby's desk...

anyway here's the plan.

You as Todd take me to this party...

see my problem is nobody
believes that I've changed...

but if I show up with
Todd who everybody loves...

and they see that he's forgiven me.

Forgiving you for what?

It's a silly thing...

I started a little rumour
about you and Mr Jillian the shop teacher.

That's horrible.

Not for you um Mr Jillian got fired
but you got the lead in brig a do on.

And now you
expect me to take you to this party?

It stopped the rumours.

I mean showing up at that reunion without
your wife didn't help.

Forget it.

This really means a lot to me.

To you or to Judy?
It's kind of hard to say I got to change.

That's my point Dharma,
it really shouldn't be hard to say.

Security.

Hey Finkelstein.

Howdy big boss man.

Going on to strap on the old feedback.

What the heck are you so happy about?

No mouse problemo in zisako
if you sprechen see my french there.

Really what turned it around for you?

I let her come to me.

I lit some candles put on some music...

and then I played hard to get.

And that worked?

Look how I'm glowing.

Hey Ed.
Hello Abby.

Hey mr tambourine man.

You forgot your lunch.

No I didn't.

Oh look it's potting soil.

I gotta go.

Talk to you later Ed.
Bye Ed.

What was that about? Sex.

It's all the guy wants to talk about.

Maybe he's having problems at home.

Sure, and he's trying to get
some advice from Dr love.

They are poor, repressed people.

Maybe I should talk to Kitty.
I'm sure she'd like that.

Meanwhile I got an hour for lunch.

Lily's watching the baby.

Come on, let's go up to the roof...

I gotta cut.

I'll let it go to voicemail.

I forget, what were we
gonna do after we slipped in unnoticed?

Who invited you?

I'm with Todd,
you wanted Todd, didn't you?

You got a lot of nerve Judy.

Hey Todd.
Hi.

Ok, I'm just gonna get right to it.

Ok.

Webster's defines apology
as an admission of error...

accompanied by an expression
of regret but what does that truly mean...

to me it means...

all right, that's enough, listen,
it's very important

for Judy here to apologize.

And if you guys don't have the decency
to accept it, then I think...

you're the ones with the problem.

Todd don't you see she's using you.

That's what she does, Todd.

Whatever she promised you later buddy...

ain't gonna happen.

And if it does...

it'll be with your father.

Ok...

I can't do this anymore,
I'm not Judy Ballard.

What?

I'm Dharma Montgomery,
this is my husband Greg.

Hi.

We crashed your reunion party
pretended to be Judy and Todd...

and then things kind of got carried away.

Thank god she's only .

So...

you were never bitten by a shark.

You tormented us like this for fun.

Oh okay...

well what Judy did was despicable
but but she was in high school...

you're adults.

Sick adults.

Yeah, sick.

Maybe we should go.

I can't believe how big he has gotten.

Yeah. With just a little sailor
suit that we gave you.

Yes, isn't it adorable?

Yeah, I wanted you to see it...

before Larry b*rned it
in a protest against the m*llitary.

I wish him luck it's flame retardant.

So how has he been sleeping?

Great, since we've gotten back
to having sex every night.

I meant the baby.

Harry's sleeping fine.

Excuse me, but did you say that
you and Larry are having, every night?

Not every night, Larry enjoys watching
the practice on Sundays.

Well still...

sounds like you're keeping busy.
Yeah.

I admit it was tough getting back
into the swing of things.

Getting the signals right.

Oh sure the signals.

Well, we mustn't neglect our signals.

Because just like the rest
of the animal kingdom...

we need signals to cue our mates.

We don't have the bright feathers
of the peacock.

We don't have
the swollen genitalia of the baboon.

Oh look you're smiling.

So I like to cue Larry...

by lighting a few candles, dabbing on
a little patchouli oil and then...

here's the secret...

I do nothing.

Nothing?

The male of the species needs to think
he's making the first move.

The pathetic little monkeys.

I'm really sorry honey.
You should be that sandy woman kicked me.

You kind of let her on a little.

Anyway, I have a new plan.

Am I in it?
No.

Then I love it.

Candles?

Yes, I thought it would be
a little different.

It's very...

yes?

Nice.

Do you mind if I put on some music?

That would be very nice.

Too loud?
Perfect.

The music is really...

yes?

Nice.

I'm glad you like it.
I do.

I thought you might.

Is that a new aftershave you're wearing?

Yes, do you like it?

Yes, I do.

So do I.

Edward.
Yes.

I think I might be a bit more comfortable
in the bedroom.

In the bedroom.

Yes.

In the bedroom.

I'll be right here if you need me.

Yes. Hi.

Are you Judy Ballard?
Yes I am.

You're not that tall, you think somebody
would have said something.

I'm sorry.

Look, can I talk to you for a minute,
it's really important.

Well, I'm on my way
to work but if it's important...

ok, I'll make it quick.

I just came by to encourage you
to turn your life around...

and try and be
more loving and helpful to people.

I don't understand.

Are you selling something?

No look...

I know all about you.

And I tried to mend some fences for you
with some of your old high school pals...

but you know what...

forget it they hate
you it's not gonna happen.

Who are you?

Who knows at this point.

But the important thing is you need
to be a better person.

Which probably won't be that hard...

cause you ain't got nowhere to go but up.

I know, I was a terrible person
in high school.

And I'm sorry.

But right now I really
have to get ready for work.

Hey hang on.

I'm sorry,
you think that just takes care of it.

I got news for you baby...

I tried I'm sorry and that just gets your
shoe caught in Kathy Denby's pool filter.

I really don't understand why you're here.

Look I did some terrible things
to people when I was younger...

but I have spent the rest of my
life trying to atone.

So now if you'll excuse me
I really have to go.

Oh good golly please tell me
you're one of those nun impersonators.

I work at the hospital across the street.

Good morning sister Judy.

Sister Alice.

Okay well keep up the good work sister.

Hello.
Hi, I was just on my way out.

Are you a friend of sister judy's.

No not really.

Well, I'm not surprised.

Between you, me and you know who...

she's a horrible woman.