04x17 - Do the Hustle

[bunniefuu]

I guarantee you are going
to have the time of your life.

There are a lot of young people there,
it's...

very hip, very with it.

I don't know mother.

A tulip festival?

I know what you're thinking...

but forget everything you have ever heard
about tulip festivals.

Done.

It is not just about flowers and pots,
there's a tasting of Dutch wine.

And a charity auction of wooden
shoes decorated by local celebrities.

It's a wonderful day.

It lasts the whole day?

Unless someone pulls a fire alarm.

Edward

So, we could take one car?

Well, it sounds like fun but...

unfortunately, this Sunday...

we're having lunch with...

an old college professor of mine...

and his wife.

Who are in town just for the day.

Well all right.

You can come in the evening for
the exhibition of the Dutch folk dancing.

Dharma you would so enjoy that.

Yes, I would but...

we have tickets to a sick dog.

I'm sorry.

It's a play about a dog who's sick.

Who plays basketball.

And of course that's not it.

We have tickets to a basketball game...

and we hope our dogs
don't get sick so we can go.

For heaven's sakes, I'm not an idiot.

-I think she's on to you.
-I got that.

-Nice going!
-It's not my fault.

This is dog sick
and this is basketball game.

You didn't do that, you did this.

It's "let's pretend you're choking
I'll meet you in the kitchen."

-We should have gone with that one.
-No, it's too late now.

-Where are you going?
-I'm gonna go apologize to my mother.

-Maybe I should do it.
-Ok.

You really shouldn't lie
to your mother like that.

I know.

You're better off
waiting until the last minute...

then going in for emergency oral surgery.

Kitty, I'm sorry.

There's no need to apologize.

I can be the butt of a joke for you
and Gregory...

and it gives you pleasure, why?

What mother wouldn't appreciate that?

No Kitty,
it just seemed like a joke because...

we got caught.

I don't understand
why you couldn't just be honest with me?

Because you hate that Kitty.

Come on, I'm really sorry.

How about this?

You and me play a game of eight ball
you win me, Greg go to the tulip festival?

Dharma, I don't want to compel
you and Gregory...

to do something you don't want to do...

just because I've beaten you
with some silly game.

No offense...

I've been playing pool since Buddha was
a boy scout you ain't going to b*at me.

Come on, I rack them you cr*ck them.

All right...

you insist.

Season One _ Episode
Do the Hustle

what possessed you to play pool
with my mother?

For one I thought I was pretty good...

and for two I thought she was
your mother not Minnesota fats.

Whenever she gets her feelings hurt
she plays pool to sulk.

What have you people been doing to her
because she's incredible.

I know, now we have to go to
a tulip festival, thank you very much.

It's not just tulips, honey.

It's Dutch wine and celebrity shoes.

Hey, you've been nibbling
on the bottom of this bread.

No, it's probably Dennis.

- And Dennis would be?
A rat.

You know, I actually had a really
great time playing pool with your mom.

What do you mean Rat?
What do you mean what do I mean?

Rat.

You know, there's a
dartboard down in the billiards room...

does you all play darts too?

I don't know, why didn't you tell me
we had a rat, I'll set some traps.

If I told you we had a rat you'd sit
some traps I know I can b*at her at darts.

It ate our bread we have to do something.

Why? You weren't gonna eat it anyway...

you always buy a baguette like we're
French or something you never eat it.

I'm not gonna eat it now.

Does your Mum play horseshoes.

No, probably not. Last time she threw
something at me she missed by a mile.

Listen to me, I cannot live with a rat.

I understand that you're upset.

Why don't you sleep on it tonight...

if you still feel this way
in the morning, we'll move.

We're not gonna move.

That's what I think is happening
but you should still sleep on it.

Kitty, don't you think
it's a little suspicious...

that just as we leave
for the tulip festival...

Edward suddenly needs oral surgery?

Eddie would never lie to me.

He knows I'd check up on him.

It was nice of Gregory to drive him.

That's when it kind of got fishy for me.

I know you're here
against your will but...

Thank you for coming.
That's a bet.

Plus I gotta tell you, Kitty...

I had a great time playing pool
with you the other night, I mean it.

No basketball tickets no sick dogs.

-Yes, it was fun, wasn't it?
-Yeah.

-Are you up for a game right now?
-Now?

Sure I know a place near here...

that's got a great pool table and
the best curly fries you have ever had.

Probably the only curly fries
you've ever had.

Or you're just trying to avoid going to
the tulip festival, aren't you?

Yeah I'd knock my own foot
to get out of that.

Regardless, we are not playing.

I promise I'll let you win again.

Dharma, that won't work.

And you did not let me win.

Ok, whatever you say.

Lucky.

Luck.

Did you let me win that one too?

Didn't have to.

Kitty, how about we make it interesting.

You want to play me for money?

No, I never bring my money
when I'm out with you.

I want you to play them for money.

That wouldn't be fair,
I'm sure I'm much better than they are.

Let me explain something to you Kit-Kat.

Here you go dad.
Thank you.

I don't get it, isn't the idea
to just say you're going to the dentist.

-What?
-Kitty checks.

While we were there
it turned out he needed a root canal.

He's lucky he went in.

Still, root canal can't be better
than just going to the thing with Kitty.

-It is.
-Much better.

-How many traps did you buy?
-I got a couple dozen.

If you want to catch a rat before Dharma
gets home, you got to go to defcon .

And we need a little more bait here.

There's a
baguette in the kitchen that he loves.

A little fancy rat, isn't he?

Next time I'm getting a prostate exam.

Well...

I'll drive you but you got to get
your own ice bag.

-Hey.
-Hi Ed.

Hey.

What's up?

There's a little spur of the moment...

we were hoping we could borrow
your video camera.

Sure sure.

The baby's doing something cute, isn't he?

He probably is.

He's with a sitter...

we're going down to the beach
and videotape ourselves having sex.

Well...

try not to get sand in it.

I won't, believe me.
One spitting twice shy on that one.

Hey Ed...

how come you're taking Percocets?

Root canal.

Root canal, good for you.

Dear God, are those what I think they are?

Depends,
do do you think they're rat traps?

I think they're little k*lling machines.

All right, If you got
a taste for baguette,

don't go in the kitchen,
you'll be lured to your death.

Not helpful right now, Pete.

Greg, does Dharma know...

that you're planning to k*ll
some innocent fellow creatures?

There is nothing wrong with keeping
your home free from rats.

And I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't
tell Dharma what I'm doing.

You know,
I don't go to the dentist enough.

I probably need root canal myself.

You expect me to stand silent while
a senseless m*ssacre is being committed?

It'd be great if you could.

Come on, I have to get rid of this rat.

Then get a humane trap
that captures him alive...

and set him free in his natural habitat.

It's natural habitat's
an apartment Building.

Do the right thing, Greg,
you'll feel better about yourself...

and more importantly
I won't have to tell Dharma.

Come on Larry, let's get to the beach
before we lose the light.

Can we stop at the dentist first?
My tooth starting to hurt.

- , , .
-Thank you very much.

-Your sister was pretty good.
-Who?

Oh yeah.

Sure Sis.

Thank you for playing our little game,
be cool stay in school.

I won $ .

-$ .
-Well, the night is young.

-What about the big tulip shindig?
-The heck with the tulips.

-Rack them up and find me another pigeon.
-Excellent.

-Hello!
-Hey, where you been?

I was thinking about what you said
about our little furry friends.

So I stopped off at the hardware store
and I bought a very humane rat trap.

Really?

I'm thinking the thing to do
is to catch him humanely...

and then set him free
in his natural habitat.

Honey, I'm so proud of you.

I thought for sure
you'd go out and get a bunch...

of those snappy things
that break their backs.

You know me better than that,
those things are...

barbaric.

Listen, if you do catch him...

I want to go with you when you
set him free so I can say goodbye.

I was hoping that was something
we could do together.

Honey, you are so wow.

All right, I gotta go.
What?!

Where are you going? I thought...

we'd set the trap,
maybe open a little wine...

that does sound great...

but me and my new buddy
are gonna go out and sh**t some pool.

-Again?
-It was her idea.

I wanted to go to the grocery store
wearing bathing caps...

so we could shop
like synchronized swimmers...

and she didn't go for that.

I don't think. She really understood it.

Oh sh**t, Justin, you win again. Thanks.

Do you want to play again?

No, you have taken advantage
of my sister enough.

You know sis I'm sure
the triple-A guy is here by now...

we've already lost three games. Don't
you think we should go wait by the car.

I suppose,
but I'm having such a good time.

And I really feel lucky.

What about I play one more game
for all of my mad money.

You crazy?!

That's $ .

If she wants to play let her play.

All right, just one more game.

Just one more game, you promise me.
No problem.

Can we play for $ dollars?

Sure.

-Wait, this is seven.
-That's ok too.

Why don't you just go ahead and break.
Well.

Thank you.

Good luck sis.

If you run out of cash I noticed
an ATM on the corner, just FYI.

Four ball off the six corner pocket.

Couldn't understand the message,
what's the emergency?

Look.
Cool you got him.

Pete, he's dead.

Good.

I promised Dharma
that we'd catch him alive...

and we'd take him out in the woods
and sing born free...

and let him run among the flowers.

You sure he's dead?
Yeah, I'm sure. I even tried a little...

you know.

Mouth to mouth?

No, I put him on his back...

what do you think k*lled him?

I don't know, maybe he had a heart att*ck.

Sure yeah.
Stress, bad diet, the rat race.

What am I gonna do?

We don't know
the deceased specific wishes...

but a simple flushing is always tasteful.

Pete, Dharma's gonna think
that I k*lled him.

-Relax, I know what we'll do.
-What?

-We'll write a little teeny su1c1de.
-Never mind.

All right, we'll say he jumped.

I'll draw a little chalk outline
on the sidewalk.

How did that happen?
I wasn't even looking.

-You got better real fast lady.
-Yes I did, didn't I.

Ok, thanks for playing, see you later.

Ok sis, I think we can call it a night.

Are you crazy? Why would I quit now?

Because you're up and people
are starting to catch on that you're good.

You think so.

Yes, so we need to go.

You can go I'm going to stay.

Why? You don't need the money.
It's not about money.

Don't you understand,
I am better than all these other people.

And it has nothing to do with money
or marriage or social status.

It is just because I am dame better.

We really need to go.

Who dares to challenge
the queen of pool?

Advance and prepare to be humbled.

I need a drink.

Wait, hold it.

-It's closed.
-Please, I just need a rat.

Sorry, you have to wait until morning.

I'll give you bucks for a rat.

Is he serious?
I don't know I'm just here to mock him.

bucks.

All right let's get you a rat.

-Is it a food rat or a pet rat?
-What?

I think the gentleman's asking do you
plan to eat it or make it little sweaters.

Nothing like that,
I just want to set it free.

Set a free?!

-He's on a mission from god.
-I need...

a kind of model brown one
with little white socks on his front paws.

Preferably a non-smoker somebody
who likes movies long walks in the rain.

I'll take that one right there.

-Which one?
-That one.

You sure?

You got an awfully expensive taste.

What do you mean?
-That's a rare Patagonian tree rat.

That's a rat.

You're just scrolling with me.

Ok, let's say you ran a pet store.

It's : at night and some nut offers
you $ for a rat with little white socks.

What would you do?

Sir, just stick to taking advantage
of my friend here, I'll do the mocking.

He's very good.

Of course he's good,
his name is sweet Lou.

So?

You don't play pool for money
with guys named sweet Lou.

But he's not that good,
I b*at him the first two games.

I'm sorry, have you learned nothing?

You mean, he knows our trick?

It's not our trick, Kitty.
It's the trick, it's the only trick.

Even so I will still win.

On the odd chance that you do lose,
do you have ten thousand dollars on you?

Of course not.
Then what's the plan here?

I will simply write him a check.

You can't do that.

Of course I can. I will have my account
transfer the funds in the morning.

Kitty, guy's name Sweet Lou
don't take checks.

Eight ball corner, three rail kick.

Ok, new plan.

I'll flirt with Lou while you crawl
out the bathroom window.

We'll meet up in Mexico in three days.

I will play him and this time I will win.

Excuse me.

Sweet.

Would you be interested in...

double or nothing.

-Hello.
-Hi honey.

Hey, great news, I caught Dennis.

-Who?
-Dennis the rat.

And he's fine, completely unharmed.

He looks very content,
I think he knows he's gonna be set free.

Isn't that nice? Listen...

I'm going to be home a little late,
your mum is having car trouble.

Do you call the auto club?

There's a man here dealing with it,
right now.

-I'll see you later baby.
-OK.

You know they take my check at Sotheby's.

You should feel very good about that.

Remember buckle up for safety, Lou.

This is one we'll remember, huh?

Do not speak to me.

-Kitty, I'm the one who wanted to quit.
-I said do not speak to me.

You can't make this my fault, kitty.

Come on, we're still buds, right?
Remember see this?

The bus stops is the other way.

We probably know a better one.

I got to tell you something...

I'm really glad we did that,
I'm really glad we set him free.

-Me too.
-I feel so connected so much...

a part of life in some...

some bigger way. It's exhilarating.

-So you're in a good mood.
-Yeah, why?

You know how your mother's
never been thrilled with me.

And it's always been a little awkward or
being around your folks.

Well, those are now officially
the good old days.