07x17 - Like a Boss

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Impractical Jokers". Aired: December 15, 2011 –; present.*
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This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
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07x17 - Like a Boss

Post by bunniefuu »

Coming up:

Why is Q eating on the go?

Oh, come here!

I'm going to slap that
goddam burrito out your hand!

Is Murr having an
identity crisis?


I pretended to be my
blind neighbor's wife.

And which losing Joker will put the
"i" in "insult" in tonight's punishment?

Prepare for something amazing!

Hey, mustache, what's up?

Like a boss!

I will never forgive you!

Larry!

[Sal] I'm hot for discount ziti.

[accented slurring] Today we're
at Fairway Market asking customers

to be on the lookout
for "securr uh tay" [security].

If a customer spots
security coming their way,

they're going to have to scream
out a bizarre phrase

that's been given to us
by the other guys.

If you can't get the customer
to shout out that bizarre phrase

You lose.

"Securr uh tay"

[silence]

[Joe] So, Q's lunch got delivered.

Before he took the floor.

[Murr] Yep. [Joe] He decided
to take the floor with the burrito.


You don't want to
skip a meal, Q.

Do you know anything
about grapes?

Between you and I, I take
one and taste it.

-Yeah. -If it tastes
good, then I buy it.

Can you do that?

I'm already in trouble here, because
the security guard here hates my guts.

[Joe] There you go. Nice.

Because he's always pissed that
I'm eating burritos in the store.

What is your name? I'm sorry?

Brian. I got, uh... Brian Quinn.
Very nice to meet you.

If you see the security guard,
could you do me a favor?

I'm covering you.

Yeah, yeah, cover me. Just
scream out, uh...

"I'm not saying she's
a gold digger."

Just scream out, like
a code, like

I'm not saying she's
a gold digger.

When I hear that,
I'll know to run.

Alright?

Okay, great.
Thank you.

Thank you. [Murr] He
might get this.


Okay, send in the
security guard.

Here comes Terry.

How you doing, sir?
Things okay over here?

Uh, yeah.

[Murr] Uh oh. Uh oh!

Are you good?
Everything's okay?

[Sal] Didn't even blink.

Didn't care that he
was security.

Didn't say anything.
Didn't look at him.

Those were good.
Those were good.

What's that?

[Murr] I don't understand,
you got to say the code word.


Oh. What's the code word?

Hey! I tell you about
eating that #### in here!

Come here!

I'm going to slap that
goddam burrito out your hand.

What's the code word?

Come here!
-The gold digger line!


I'm going to smack that burrito out your hand.
-I'm not saying she's a gold digger!


[Joe] He's just watching.

The guy just literally
watched the whole thing

in silence as he
sampled grapes.

[Murr] That's it, you lost.

I'm .

How old do you
think I am?

I would say... .

Get out of here!

No!

Really? You on YouTube.

A superhuman athlete?!

New York, High Bar Club
gymnastics.

There he is!

There I am.

Whoa!

[Joe] I'm going in.

I was an Olympic hopeful
in gymnastics,

got three consecutive
national champships

####! Dave Jacobs!

Holy cow, man, can I
shake your hand?


Certainly, who are you?

Superhuman athlete. Oh my god,
I've seen you on YouTube. Holy ####!

That's amazing!
-Are you kidding me? Is this a put-on?

No, it's not. I don't
know who he is.

No, I saw you on the
New York uh...

I just played it for him.

Did... no. Come on!

Yes!
-Stop pulling my leg.

I'll be right back.

I have never met anyone
that saw it on their own.

That's amazing. -What
happened was... -Yeah

The security guy was...

He let you eat that in here?

No, he was my lookout guy.

We had a miscommunication.
I ended up running all over the place.

Yeah.

Are you kidding me?

Are you Dave Jacobs?

What's going on today?

Are you kidding me right now?

[laughing] I'll be back,
I'll be back.

He said he didn't know him.

He told him about him.

You don't know Dave Jacobs?

I feel like an idiot now.

I can't believe this.
-Is this a put-on?

I swear it's him. Mr. Jacobs!
My wife!

Guys. Dave Jacobs.

In the flesh!

This is him. He's got the
photocopies to prove it!


Would you mind if I
take a selfie with you, Dave?

You guys want to get in?
Sure, I'll send it to everybody.

Take a step back.

I cannot believe...

My wife has the same
birthday as yours.

Alright, say "Dave Jacobs"!

... ... Dave Jacobs!

[camera snaps]

[Q] Here we go.
[Joe] There he is.


Look over here.

Look at this ####.

My birthday's months ago.
I walked in here.

I got a half-eaten cake.

I come into work today. There's a
guy in a lobster costume

There's a guy over here
making--making custom

Italian pastries.

And everybody's singing
"Happy Birthday".

My birthday was not
even months ago.

I got ####.

[Joe] I don't know why
you're so salty about it.


[Q] Alright. [Joe] Here wo go.
[Murr] Oh, man oh man.

These tomatoes
look great, right?

I don't see this one
going your way, Murr.

Murr. There's two little kids
with, uh, pineapples.

See if you can get them
to help you.

How do you know it's a good
pineapple or not. Do you guys know?

No.

You don't know?

Produce banter.

Compare these two.
-I think this one.

You think this one?
-Yeah.

Okay. My wife sends me to this store
all the time. This is my store.

Uh huh.

And she can't shop here anymore
because her ex-boyfriend works here.

And whenever I'm at the store,
he follows me around

and threatens me. Isn't
that crazy?

Alright, Murr. You're laying
it on thick. Let's see.

Listen. If you see the--
the security guard

Shout out, like...

"I'm hot for discount ziti".

Shout out, like...
I'm hot for discount ziti.

Do you know how to say that?

[accented] I'm hot for
discount ziti?

That's it. I'm hot
for discount ziti.

And now, I will take
off, before I see him.

Okay?
-Oh my gosh.

Send in Terrel,
let's do it.

[Joe] Oh. There's Terry.

[Joe] Ah, she saw! She
saw Terry!


Murr, she's looking for you.

[Sal] Here we go.
-What's up, buddy?

I'm hot, I'm hot!

W-W-What's the code word?

[shouting] I'm hot for discount ziti!

[Joe] Ha! Alright, Murr!

[commotion]

Thanks for the code!

[Joe] Alright, that's a win.

Let's do this.

If you pull this off
in one turn, buddy,

one turn, first person
you talk to,

I'll give you a hundred dollars.

[Joe] Ooh!

A hundred dollars on the table!
-A hundred dollars.

A Benjamin, you say?
-[Q] A big Benjamin.

It's a hundred bucks.
It's a Ben Franklin.

You can tell by the
key and the kite.

Excuse me.

I'm dating the
security guard's ex.

He does--he does
not like me.

[laughing] He's trying to use
Dan Cast as the "mark"

to get your
hundred dollars.

Just tell out something to cue
me in that's he's coming. -Like what?

He won't know it.
A code word between us.

[Joe] Just yell out:

"Sal's a cheater".

Just yell out... "Sal
is a cheater".

[Q] Hold on. Wait, wait.
Hold on.


Get Dan Cast
on the horn, here.

[Q] Dan, so it seems that
Sal's trying to cheat.


I will give you fifty bucks
of the hundred he's going to get

if you leave him stranded...
and do not do it.

Yeah.

Great job, Dan Cast.
That was hysterical.

Do you know the security
guard that works here?

J-I'm just trying
to avoid him.

Okay.

Yeah, I used to...
I'm dating his ex.

Okay.

Are you shopping in
this area right now?

Yeah.

One thing, if I could bo-
[unintelligible]

I'm going to be
shopping over here.

If by chance you see
him come over here,

like, just saying something
that like maybe only

I would know. Like...

"Stevie needs a beavie".

"Stevie needs a beavie"

and I'll run.

Well, she's in!

Let's do it. Let's
do it, boys.

[Murr] Wait, there's Terry.

[Joe] Oh, she saw Terry!

[Q and Murr] Uh oh! Uh oh!

[laughing] Stevie needs a beavie.

She said it! She said it!
She said it! Go!

Stevie needs a beavie?

No no. No. No.

[Murr] Run, Sal, run! Run!

Stevie needs a beavie!

[Joe] Well done.

[Murr laughing] J-Joe...

Where'd you get
the basket?

You can have it.

Thank you.

I did you a "solid". Could you
do me a solid if you mind?

I'm just shopping around, and...

I'm dating the ex-girlfriend
of the security guard here.

Okay? -And he doesn't have, like,
the best sense of humor about it.

So I'm just trying to get
in and out as quick as I can.

So if you see him, I'm going
to go quick.

Could you yell out to me?
Just give me a heads up?

What am I yelling?

[Sal gasps loudly]

What could you yell.
Uh, yell...

"Punch my bunch"

I don't know. Something
he won't know

He'll know we're only talking
about, like "punch my bunch".

He'll know what I'm talking
about. "Punch my bunch".

If you see him. Thank you.
I'm going to be quick anyway.

Oh!

No way. She turned to him and
said "what should I yell?"

[Q] There he is. There
he is!


[Joe] So, if you see the
security guard here, yell...


Yell "Punch my bunch", if you see him.
-Okay.

Thank you. I'm going to
be quick anyway.

Oh!

[Q] There he is. There
he is!


Punch my bunch.

Oh my god, she just did it!

Joey, Joey, Joey!

Punch my bunch!

Joe! He got away again.
He got away.

I-I can't

You know what?
#### you.

[crew laughs]

How does this happen!?

[crew applauds]

Sometimes, you got it.

[Sal] Son of a bitch.

Q lost his lookout

so he's headed to the loser board.

Today we're at the Mall at Bay
Plaza, talking to strangers and

long story short

we're going to be fed a
bizarre scenario from the other guys.

Long story short

after we get the scenario,
we have to explain why we did it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Long story short

You have to get this person
to say they understand

why you did what you did.

Short story very long, if they
don't agree with you, you lose.

Oh, hey, excuse me. Where...
do they...

There's a Victoria's Secrets
in this mall?

[no audible dialog]

Awesome. My girl's
birthday is coming up.

So, I don't want to get in
trouble. You know what I mean?

She's already made at me.
[Sal] Long story short...

Long--I mean, long
story short...

I planted a dead possum in my
wife's back seat to prove a point.

I, uh... [laughs]

I-I planted a dead possum

in my wife's back seat
just to

prove a point.

I can tell, I can tell
that you're confused.

Let me tell you the story.
I, uh...

Alright. Got this nice
tree in the backyard, right?

And, uh, and she was always like

"cut down the tree, it's going
to fall on the house, cut down"

I'm like, "Honey there's, uh,
a bunch of possums living in the tree.

You can't cut down the tree!

You're going to k*ll the possums!"

She's like, "That's not true.
Possums just move out."

So, what I did was...

"I strangled the possums."

I strangled the possum

and I put it in the
back seat of her car.

It's kind of, like, a, you know,
like, a Godfather type

you know, thing. Like, hey, is
this what you want? Dead possums?

[Joe] "Here's where it went wrong."
Here's where it went wrong.

"It was just playing dead. It woke
up and att*cked her while she was driving."

[Murr] Can't trust a possum.

So--so you're with me so far?

You get it so far?

But here's where it went sideways.

Possums play dead.

It wasn't really dead. It
woke up while she was driving.

And started running around the car

hissing at her, biting her, and
stuff like that. She ended up...

She ended up crashing the car
into the tree.

Knocked the tree over. So, at the
end of the day, I lost anyway.

He's not even waiting!

[Joe] You didn't even get to
finish your story.


Hey, dude, do you come
to this mall a lot?

Do you know if there's
any good sneaker stores?

There's a Foot Action over there.

Because I'm not from around here.
I'm visiting from somewhere.

Long story short

"I, uh, complimented a widow
on her figure."

I, uh...

I complimented, like, a widow

on her figure.

And it didn't go well for me.

I mean, I understand that
she's a widow. That her-her...

Lo...you know, her
husband passed away.

"That morning."

Granted, he passed away
this morning.

So... we we we, I've known
him for -plus years.

I was just trying
to comfort her.

"I've been admiring that
figure for a long time."

Just bad timing.

It's bad timing. Because

I have been admiring that
figure for quite a long time.

We're talking years.

But, I had to wait for the
right time to be respectful.

I thought I was being
respectful, because he

finally passed away peacefully

[knock knock]

in his sleep this morning.

"He fell asleep at the wheel."

Granted, he had fallen
asleep behind the wheel. But

They-they said upon
impact

that he didn't--he did
not feel any pain or whatever.

Rest in peace, Charlie.
Rest in peace.

You get--you get my point?
I had to, like, it wasn't...

You get why I did it?

You got lost in the moment.

Oh!

Sal gets it!

It happens to the best of us.
-It does happen to the best of us!

I appreciate that. You
made me feel better.

[Murr] The heart wants
what the heart wants.


[Murr] What's Remo now, buddy?
Two? A year? A year and a half?


He'll be two in July.

Wow, July the month?

He's talking, right?

He says words?

No. No, he's dumb.

He's dumb?

Yeah. He's cute though.

Big, fat, and strong.

Like his mother.

I swear to god, if anybody
shows that to anybody, ever...

I almost had a heart
att*ck, there.

I was walking around, couldn't
decide on anything, you know?

Finally went with the pizza.

I haven't shopped here before.

Never?
-I will say

this place, it does remind me.
Long story short...

"I intentionally gave my
daughter nightmares."

Yeah. -[Murr] What?
I, uh...

Long story short, I intentionally
gave my daughter nightmares.

Well, here's the thing.

He's going to try
and justify it.

She's scared of
every little thing. So,

I want her to get a little bit
stronger. A little bit more, you know.

Conquer her fears.
-Right.

You know, her mother's
big and strong.

Right.

Uh, you know, so I want
her to be like her-her mom.

Sle... you know, you ever
hear of sleep training?

Right.
-So I was like, what better time

to instill fear in her

than when she's sleeping?

What I'm trying to
do is, really

amp up the traumatization
of it.

You know, these little
nightmare... tactics.

Right.

I'm a good dad.
-Right.

Yeah.

Do you see my point, though?

Yeah, I see your point.
-Yeah, you see my point.

Oh!

Come on!

Hey, Bess, it's Joey.

Um, I just made a bad
joke on set

where I called you
big, fat and strong.

Uh, I instantly regretted
it, but it's on tape

and I don't want it to
come back and bite me.

So, I'm apologizing.

I love you. You're beautiful.

You're skinny.
[laughing] And you're strong.

This is your husband.

[Murr] Joey wins it.

Man, it's nice to wear
a t-shirt, huh?

Ah! It's finally getting warm.

[Joe] Nice ice-breaker, Murr.

Let's talk weather. Everybody's
got opinions on weather.

I'm from Staten Island.

I moved here recently,
because, um...

Long story short...

"I pretended to be my blind
neighbor's wife for two weeks."

[Murr] I'm from Staten Island.

I moved here recently,
because, um...

"I pretended to be my blind
neighbor's wife for two weeks."

Long story short...

I pretended to be my blind
neighbor's wife for two weeks.

[Joe] Wait wait wait wait! Don't
say anything! He's processing.


She didn't want him to know
she was out of town.

So I was like, you know what?
I see your point.

You're always taking care
of your husband.

"Let me take care of
your husband."

Let me [laughing] take care of
your husband. Let me do it.

So I pretended to
be his wife.

I had, uh, h-her normal clothes on.

Her wig. I used
her perfume.

"I tucked."

I-I...

Two words! Two words.

Speaking of package...
I tucked.

I tucked. He didn't... he
was none the wiser.

"The good news is, she
was very specific."

The good news is, she
was very, very specific.

"They only make love
once a week."

They only [stifles laughter]

They on...

It's impossible.

The good part about it

was that they only
make love once a week

and she was only gone
for two weeks.

So it wasn't that bad.

He eventually figured it out.

He's mad at me.

But you--you see why I did
it, right?

To help a friend out?

[Joe] Ahh!

I-I can justify it.
But can you?

Do you see why I
did it, like a...


No, no.

Yeah!

Yeah.

The deed is done.

[Joe] Yeah!

Twice! The deed was done twice!

We all couldn't wait
to get in!

Twice.

Twice.

The long and short of it is
that Q is tonight's big loser.


Hey!

Q has lost. So, today, buddy,
you are working at a health conference

thrown by our
friends at Welnys [wellness].

[Sal] This is what you're
going to have to do, okay?


You're going to be signing up
attendees for a raffle,

and as you meet them, you're
have to find people

whose first names begin
with all the vowels.

Yeah. If their first name
begins with a vowel, good news!

It's checked off the list.
Move on.

But if their name starts with
anything other than a vowel,

bad news is you have to say
whatever we tell you

directly to their face.

Now, the punishment ends,
buddy, when you find all vowels.

Simple!

Simple?

There's a lot of "U"s floating around
out there that I get to work with?
Alright.

[Murr] Our friends at Welnys

provide corporate health and
wellness services to workplaces.


[Joe] There he is. The official
raffle checker, Brian Quinn.


[Murr] Oh, wow, Q, you got a
fair amount of people here.


Since we're dealing
with vowels and consonants

we wanted to bring Vanna
White, but she wasn't available.

So we brought in Chá!
[Joe] Chá's our Vanna White!

Vanna Black.

[Murr] Alright. Vanna Black.
[Joe] Alright. Vanna Black it is.


[Joe] So now you're trying
to pick vowels. Who looks like a vowel?


Oh!

[Sal] So here's what's
going on here.


Q has a clipboard with every single
attendee's name on it.


And next to it, we randomly
generated a line.

Some might be an insult. Some
might be something hard for Q to say.

The point is, is that
it's predetermined

based on absolutely nothing.

Completely random.

Hi, sir, did you, uh, sign in
for the raffle yet?

Free raffle?
-No.

Oh, what is your--
what's your name?

Uh, Ariel?
-A-R?

Lucky son of a bitch!
-He got an "A"!

You are good. First one!

Yes!

Oh, Vanna! -Vanna!
-You got the "A".

[Murr] Oh my god, like that!

[Sal] You set a nice
tone for yourself.


Yes. -Getting an "A"
on the first try.

Excuse me. Did you sign
up for the raffle yet?

No.
-Okay. What is your name?

Eva.
-Eva? E-V-A?

Oh my god! Oh my god!

[Murr] Oh my god!

Oh, wow. Thank you so much.

[Murr] What is going on?

[Joe] That, uh, that's impressive.

The A-E combo's impressive.

Excuse me, I'm sorry. Did you
sign up for the free raffle yet?

Did you... what is your name?

Jonathan.
-Jonathan.

Oh!
-Yes!

[Murr] Flip the page and
read the line next to his name.


Alright. Do I have you in?

[Joe] Ah! Where's that streak now?
[Murr] What is it? What is it?


Excuse me, I'm sorry. Did you
sign up for the free raffle yet?

Did you... what is your name?

Jonathan.
-Jonathan.

Oh!
-Yes!

[Murr] Flip the page and
read the line next to his name.


Alright. Do I have you in?

[Joe] Ah! Where's that streak now, bitch?
[Murr] What is it? What is it?


Odd that you have no
bulge in your pants at all.

[Murr] Oh my...!

What is... what is it?

Yeah, yeah, no no, I'm just
curious. Because normally I see the phones.

And then I saw that your

Yeah, good luck with the raffle.
You're all signed up.

You're all signed up.

[Murr] Oh ho!

[Joe] Good job, buddy. That was a good one.
[Murr] Wow, that was tough, Q.


Hi. Did you, do you know
if you signed up for the raffle?

The free raffle, yet?

Don't think so.
-What is your name?

Ursula.

Oh! My! God!

What!?

There is no way
your name's Ursula.

It is.

-[Murr] Oh my god!
Can I get a hug?

[Sal] Alright, this is just...
this is...


This is imploding on
us right now.

[Murr] Give him a "U"

[Sal] This is insanity.

Thank you. I hope you win.

Thank you.

Here's a fun fact for you.
Point-oh-two

of the population in the world

Point-oh-two percent.
-Percent.

[Joe] Have a name
that starts with "U".


You found her on your fourth try.
-Wow.

Excuse me. So, by any chance, do
you know if your name's in for the raffle yet

at the end?
-I haven't the slightest idea.

What is your name?
-Francine.

Oh ####. Francine.

[Murr] Here we go, here we go.

What do you got, buddy?

There's no way!

[Murr] Come on, Q.

No way! There's no way.

No way what?

There's no way you're
going to win this one.

But that's alright.

Nose hair trimmers
are pretty cheap these days.

Oh my god!

I'm just saying.
-[Murr] I can't believe it.

Yeah, I think you're right about
that. I think I do need a moment.

Alright. You haven't seen Irving
around here? Or Ophelia?

No I haven't. I'm so sorry.
-Okay.

Thank you.
-[All guys] Ohh!

[Murr] Oh, god, Q!
[Joe] Look at her. Look at her!


Hey guys, uh, did you, uh, get signed
up for the, uh, uh raffle at the end yet?

Not yet.
-No, not yet.

Okay, you're on... uh,
what's your name?

Ted.
-Oh, Ted!

Ted? Oh. Okay.

Well...
-[Murr] Here we go.

Well... Daddy's little girl
ain't a girl no more, you know?

Dude. I wish he would say that.

Honestly.

[Joe] Q's confused.

Wait. I just said to you "Daddy's
little girl ain't a girl no more"

and you just said "I wish
he would say that"?

Yeah.

I love it.

What's up, "Shamrocks".
What's your name?

Uh, Keith.
-Keith is a "K".

[laughing] You know...

Yeah. -Is it on there? -Yeah, I got
you, I got you. Yeah, you know, um...

[Murr] There's nothing up there, buddy.
[Joe] What are you looking at, pal?


You--you should grow a mustache.

You actually should.
-I probably would.

Yeah, compliment the "pedophile"
look. Get it going. Get that mustache.

p*rn star mustache?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Sal] No, not p*rn star. Pedophile.

No, not p*rn star. Yeah, p-pedophile.

This "I" and the "O" are
proving elusive.

Tough day for "Q".

Sir, do you know i-if you're in for
the, for the, um, free raffle yet?

At the end? What is your name?

John Hyde.
-Great, I just want to make sure.

Good.
-Okay, mm hmm.

It is, man.

Yeah, small talk is not going
to get you out of this, buddy.

It's got to be one of
those "old-ass" hotels.

I'll let you buy the "O"
if you tell him

"speaking of old-ass, why
don't you stand up for a sec?"

Yeah.

You can buy the "O" right now!

Speaking of "old-ass"...

Why don't you stand up for
a second? We'll check it out?

You know what I'm saying?

[overlapping] Give him the "O", Vanna.

[Joe] Got the "O".
Only an "I" left.


Alright.
-Alright.

[Joe] Who looks like
an "I"? Hmmm.


What is your name? -Christina.
[all guys] Ohhh!

Your balls are showing.

What is your name? -Cindy.
[Joe] Cindy!

Great. Oh my god, you
cut your own hair.

I think that's amazing.

[Murr] Oh ho ho ho!

What is your name?

Leah!

Let me tell you: it's nice to see
a few "ethnics" around here.

Okay, what is your name?

Wow. You smell like cats.

What is your name?
-Sasha.

Sasha!

You'd be a good
match for my "nana".

What is your name?
-Victor.

I was thinking of
having some work done.

Who's your guy?

[Joe] Alright, so, Q, here's
what we're going to do.


We will let you buy the "I", okay?

If this person has an "I"
anywhere in their name, you're done.

What is your name?
-Jacky.

Jacky?
-Ohh!

How do you spell that?
-J-A-C-K-Y.

[Joe] K-Y!

J-A-C-K-Y!

YEAH! YES!

The only time I've ever heard
Jacky spelled like that. Ever!

Well, it's actually "Jacqueline", but...

What is it? -Jacqueline.

How do you spell that?
-Q-U-E-L-I-N-E.

Boom!

Jaqueline with a "Y"

[Joe] Show us the "I", Vanna.

There you go, buddy.

Goodbye, "Jacky with a Y".

And there you have it, gentlemen.

And there you have it.
All the vowels.

[Q grunts]
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