08x18 - Irritable Vowel Syndrome

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Impractical Jokers". Aired: December 15, 2011 –; present.*
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This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
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08x18 - Irritable Vowel Syndrome

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[ Grunts ]

[ Shouting ]

[ laughter ]

[ Screams ]

Let's just get this started.

Are you [bleep] Kidding me?

You're such a good cat.

[ laughter ]

[ Cymbals crash ]

[ laughs ]

Narrator: With special guest...

The one and only
Jillian bell!

Sounds lame.

[ laughter ]

They'll still watch.

Today we're at Jay suites

Working alongside temps
in an office.

Unfortunately for them,

We're gonna have to be
arrogant, insufferable jerks.

Then, after we've acted a fool,

We've also got
to fire their ass.

The catch is we don't have
the authority to fire them.

In fact, they're gonna be

Told that they have
the authority to fire us.

At that point,
we all have to grovel

For our jobs
just to keep them.

At the end,
our coworker will be asked

If they want
to have us replaced.

If you get canned, you lose.

Sal: Murray is going
to really be

an insufferable jerk
to someone.

Q: And then we're gonna film
a bit.

[ laughter ]

Guys, this is the part
I was born to play.

So you can sit here.

Q: There he is.
Murr, there's your boss.

Man: Don't worry about it.
You may not finish. That's fine.

Okay?
Alright, have fun, John.

I'll be right here.

Fresh meat, huh?

Huh?

I'm John, by the way.

You can call me
Mr. Murray.

You call me Mr. Murray.
It's fine.

Sounds good, Mr. Murray.

Q: You look like a cat
that just found a mouse.

[ laughs ]

Busy?

John: Yeah.
[ speaks indistinctly ]

He's activating his real-life
inner sociopath.

[♪♪]

[ laughter ]

Where are you from, John?

I commuted from astoria.

Where are you
coming from?

Oh, here and there.

[ laughter ]

What college
did you go to?

I went to buffalo state.

Oh.

[ laughter ]

Georgetown.

Ivy league.
Mm-hmm.

Oh!
Oh, my god.

Murray.

Oh, man.

Murr: Mind if I see
how you're doing?

Is that okay?
- Sure.

You think that's the most
efficient way to do this, John?

Q: Oh!

I mean, feel free to give me
some advice

If you see
a more efficient way.

Q and Sal: Oh!

Sal:
He's taking your energy

And he's giving it
back to you a little bit.

Ooh.

Alright, murr,
time to send him packing.

Maybe... maybe this...
Maybe this is

Not gonna
work out today.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Why don't we
just say, you know,

Handshake?

Let's kind of wrap
it up right now.

Sound good?

I don't understand,
but okay.

Appreciate it, man.
Thanks so much.

Oh, my god.

Q: Now comes the turn, though.
Now comes the turn.

I'm confused. You said
you don't want his help anymore?

It didn't sync up, no.

What didn't sync up?

Him working with... for me
didn't sync up, I thought.

So I let him go.

You're not in any position
to let him go.

[ laughter ]

I'm not the lead
of the project?

John's the lead.

You know,
I got a couple of people

I might be able
to do a little replacement.

John, you keep going.
I'll be back.

- Sal: [ laughs ]
- Q: Oh! Oh, my god

Oh, look!

Yes, John!

Look at the dynamics
turning!

[ laughter ]

I feel like we might have
gotten off on the wrong foot.

I had misinterpreted
the situation, John.

Uh... John's giving him

the cold mother[bleep] Shoulder.

Yeah!

[ laughter ]

You better grovel, bitch.

I thought that he had
put me in charge.

I didn't realize that I was not
the lead of the project.

So you treat me like that?

Q: Oh!

You have to understand,
John,

My wife is not in love
with me anymore.

[ laughter ]

Oh, my god,
he's trying anything.

I just need
you to hear me.

I would never normally
behave like that.

Dude, okay, I understand.
It's cool.

You're busy.
I'll get you coffee?

My treat.

I'm gonna get
the coffee for you.

My treat.
I'll get the coffee.

Buffalo state's
a great school.

I'll be right back.

[ laughter ]

Murr, whoa.

Let's see, let's see.

Is he gonna
let me stay?

Do you think I should
keep this guy on

For the rest of the day or
you think I should replace him?

I hate being that guy.
I mean, he's constantly,

Like, talking over me,
like, talking down to...

I mean, 'cause he went
to Georgetown, like...

Honestly, I don't feel
comfortable.

I mean, he just...

No!

You're too good!

I was too good.

I'm proud of
that loss.

[ Buzzer ]

[ laughter ]

- Alright, boss, here we go.
- Here we go.

Jeter for three.

[ laughter ]

How you doing?

Oh, I guess just matching
the names of these folders.

Murr: [ laughs ]
Uh-oh.

Sal seems upset.

What's your name?
I'm sorry.

Tony.
Tony? Okay.

Oh. I don't know.

With the shoes in his face.

Murr: So rude.

You know the only thing
worse than that, buddy,

Is no shoes on.

Oh. [ Groans ]

[ laughter ]

So rude.

Sal:
My dogs are barking, bro.

[ laughter ]

Oh!

Yeah.

That's it, Sal,
that's it.

Sal: I'm just gonna try and get
a quick five or ten.

Don't mind me, alright?

Q: Oh, you're starting
to get him annoyed.

"Tony, Tony, Tony,
Tony, Tony."

Tony, Tony, Tony.

[♪♪]

[ As Marlon Brando ]
Poor little Tony.

[ laughter ]

First rung
on the corporate ladder today.

Came in with big dreams
and high hopes that Tony did.

[ laughter ]

I've had it up to my neck
in Tony's horseshit.

Q: Oh, my god.

He's just listening.

He hears everything
you're saying.

He's sitting there
working hard,

You and your [bleep] Feet
in his face.

I feel terrible.

Murr: You feel terrible,
yeah.

Now's the hard part.

[ Normal voice ] Tony.

Q: Oh!

I got to talk to you
about something.

It's not gonna
work out today.

Not today, for me,
for you, with the files.

"Whatever
fired people do."

[ laughter ]

Whatever it is
that people do

When, you know, we've got
to let them go, you know?

It's, uh...

Okay.

Murr: Oh, I didn't realize
how tense this is.

I don't know
if I can do this.

Tony's the lead here.

Yes.

Tony's the lead?

Oh.

[ laughter ]

It's Tony who gets
to decide whether you leave.

[ laughter ]

I was unaware until now.

Maybe I need to make
a personnel change.

I'll make a few phone calls.
I'll be back.

Murr: Start groveling.

Um... Tony, if I may.

Gotcha. Listening.
Okay.

I'm sorry that we got off
on the wrong foot.

You know, we... we're all
scraping to get by, you know?

And I got kids.

I got seven kids, Tony.

Oh, this is pathetic,
man.

You know what?

What can I get you?

Maybe a drink.

A drink?

Q and murr: Oh!

Murr: Alright, Sal.

Oh, man.
Come on, guys.

I think he's too nice
to frickin' fire me.

Here we go,
here we go.

Should I release him?

Tony, no.
Should I keep him?

Please, Tony, please.

Tony!

Little Tony.
Tony!

[ Ding! ]

- Oh, boy.
- You don't look good.

[ laughter ]

I am so uncomfortable
with what I...

What I have to do.

It's not in me.

Sal: Okay.
Here he goes.

He's building up
the gumption.

I don't have the gumption.
I don't have it.

I'm sweating.

Murr: [ laughs ]

She has no idea about
the impending doom.

Excuse me.
What is... what is your name?

Karen. Uh-huh.
Karen?

Do you like apples?

Um, yeah.

You're fired.
How do you like them apples?

[ laughs ]

[ laughter ]

You're done. You're done.
You're fired.

What do you mean?

I'm the boss.
I'm in charge.

You got to go.

Okay.

Murr: Oh, my god.

That's the most
unconvincing...

"good will hunting"?

[bleep]
That's what you did,

A Matt Damon reference
from two decades ago?

All you did was you said,
"what is your name?

You're fired."

He built
no goodwill first.

What's going on?

Sal: Oh, yeah!

Man: What's going on?

I ended up f*ring Karen.

Karen, you can sit down.
Go ahead, you can sit down.

It's okay.
Don't worry about it.

[ laughter ]

As far as I'm concerned,
Karen's my lead.

Not you.
Mm-hmm.

If anything,
Karen would be f*ring you today.

So she could fire me?

Other than quoting
"good will hunting,"

What have you
been accomplishing today?

Just Robin Williams
and Matt Damon.

Mm-hmm.
And he's a smart custodian.

[ laughter ]

I'm gonna make
a few phone calls.

I'll be back.
Murr: Alright, q.

Here comes the groveling.

So...

Did you ever see
"good will hunting"?

Sal and murr: Oh!

You better apologize,
buddy.

You need to do better
than that.

Sal: Oh, my god.

I mean, if I had known
you could fire me, clearly,

I wouldn't have acted
in such a boorish manner.

[ laughter ]

Sal: Just go, just go.

[ laughter ]

I'm gonna go get you
an apple.

You guys want an apple?
I'm gonna go get us some apples.

Anybody in the mood
for an apple?

Oh, my god.

She didn't acknowledge
your existence after that.

Oh, my god.
That was the worst.

Wicked suave maneuver,
bro.

[ laughter ]

Listen, I can swap him out.

Dude, you're done.
You're done.

We don't know that yet.

I just need to know from you
whether you think

I should keep him
or release him.

Honestly, I would not.

I kind of would
feel comfortable

If I didn't have to work
around him.

[ Cheering ]

Bam!
How about them apples?

[ Buzzer ]

Narrator: Murr and q
couldn't work well with others,

So they're first up
on the loser board.

[ Knock on door ]

- Hey, Jillian.
- Hey, guys.

So excited. Just wanted
to let you know

We're running
about a minute behind.

Sorry.
Did you say a minute?

That's like seconds.

Yeah, yeah, just .

Okay.

Okay.

[ Screams ]

Generic water!

Ahhh!

You know what?
You're being too rational.

Ahhh!

Ahh!

seconds!

[ Panting ]

Okay. Yeah, I can...

Now it's gonna be
about minutes.

Ahhh!

Okay, this is
an ill-conceived bit right now

Called "boot and rally."

Q, tell them what you
came up with.

This is not
ill-conceived at all.

We're gonna be sitting in
a waiting room with strangers.

We're gonna receive
a piece of information

That's relatively minor.

A minor inconvenience.

We're gonna get so upset

That we're going to throw up
all over ourselves.

- Boot.
- That's the boot.

And then we got
to rally everybody else

In the room
to walk out with you.

Because it's... you shouldn't
put up with this...

No.
...Minor inconvenience.

Yeah.
No one's gonna
leave the room.

The bit is ill...
It's ill-fated.

It's gonna work.

[♪♪]

Sal: This ain't gonna work.

What odds do you give
any of us?

Zero percent.

You think we're not gonna
get anybody?

Because you got to trust me
on this.

We're all gonna lose.

Go ahead, murr,
lock and load.

Put the stuff
in your mouth.

Let's do it.

Boot and rally, baby.

Murray's loaded up
on the boot.

Alright.

Get up,
walk out of the room.

Give it like seconds.

Walk back in the room
and just be like,

"I'm sorry, guys. We're out
of creamer for the coffee."

Alright, here we go.

Look at Murray.

Just an announcement,
everybody.

I'm sorry, there's no more
creamer left for the coffee.

I don't if anybody was looking
to have it.

What?!

[ laughter ]

Look at... [ laughs ]

Why not?
Why not?

That's what he comes up with,
"why not?"

Did they run out?

That's not acceptable.
They ran out.

I think we had a lot
of people here today.

I'm not alone here.
You guys are with me, right?

You're with me?

You understand
why I threw up, right?

I'm not really...

I say we leave right now.

Let's go. Let's go.
Come on, let's go.

Are you with me? Let's go.

No!

[ laughter ]

Who's with me?
Come on.

Q: Oh, here he goes.

Ma'am, you're my rock.

I'm not your rock.

[ laughter ]

Come on, people.

Get out.
You lost.

I'm sorry I ralphed.

[ Buzzer ]

Murr: Q, this is your idea.

I already failed horribly.

Sal: Again,
it will not work.

When this was pitched, I said
this is a waste of our time.

And so here we are today,
full crew.

Today cost us $ ,
to produce.

[ Fake retches ]

[ laughter ]

Q,
Load up on the throw-up.

That's a cup of clam chowder
q is downing.

Okay, John,
the Wi-Fi is out.

The Wi-Fi is out.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah. Sorry.

Hmm?
Wi-Fi's down.

[ Retching ]

Murr:
He put his mask on.

[ Retching ]

That really turns my stomach,
man.

We're gonna let
this big-headed...

[ laughter ]

Emilio estevez-looking
mother[bleep]

Take away our Wi-Fi?

Look at the stupid
look on his face.

Come on, guys.
We don't have to stand for this.

Let's go.

Guys?

[ laughter ]

Just stand there and wallow
in this [bleep] Bit

That you chose.

[ laughter ]

[ Gags ]

It doesn't make you guys sick
that there's no Wi-Fi here?

Guys?

It doesn't turn
your stomach?

[ Vomiting ]

Oh!
That looks gross, dude.

You've got throw-up
on your beard, your face.

Come on, guys,
let's get out of here.

Well, the Wi-Fi is on.

[ laughs ]
She's on the Wi-Fi.

Yeah, it's finicky.
It might just be my phone.

Finicky Wi-Fi?

Come on, guys.
Sal can't be right.

We got to go.

[ laughs ]

[ Buzzer ]

Go ahead, Sally boy.
Fill your mouth with that soup.

[ Both laugh ]

Load up.

[ Both laughing ]

Murr: Load it up.
Okay, szeluga.

Okay. Szeluga, uh-oh.

Hate to inform you guys, but the
vending machine is out of order.

The vending machine
is out of order.

I'm sorry. I don't know
if anybody needs anything.
Oh, no.

But it's not working.

[ Q and murr groaning,
laughing ]

He threw up on...

Sal: The vending machine's
out of order.

Does that upset anybody
the way that it upsets me?

[ laughter ]

Doesn't that get you so upset

That the vending machine
is out of order

That you want
to leave the room?

No, because probably it's not...
It's just a minor inconvenience

'cause the bit don't work.

It works.

I don't even know if...

Murr: [ laughing ]
Wait, Sal.

He just left?

So he just threw up on szeluga
and left.

Are you okay?

This bit doesn't work.

[ laughter ]

The bit works.

The bit don't work.

[ laughter ]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[ Buzzer ]

Narrator: Sal blatantly ignored
the rules of the game,

Making him tonight's big loser.

Oh, my god.
We have Jillian.

I am so excited
to say this.

Sal, you're a loser.
Thank you.

You lost, Sal,
so today for your punishment,

You just have to
be my husband.

It's punishment enough.

No, I actually like that.
That's easy.

What's the hard part?
Murr: Here's the hard part.

Now, you and Jillian
are a happily married couple

Appearing on a panel
discussion together.

Okay.
What is the panel?

It's understanding and living
with biological abnormalities.

Okay. So she doesn't
have the abnormality?

Together: No.

Here we go.

So Sal and Jillian
are on a panel

With two other
lovely couples

Who are crew members
and writers on the TV show.

Woman: Good afternoon.

Thank you for coming
to this panel discussion.

Let's meet the couples
and let's have the spouses

Of the afflicted introduce
their partner's condition.

Hi. I'm Dan.

My husband, Dan, suffers
from the inability to smell.

Thank you for that.

Johnna.
This is my husband, Joe.

And Joe has vitiligo, which...
The white eyebrow.

Okay.
Next up, we have Jill.

Q: Here we go.
Here we go.

Murr: Sal, you've got to agree
with everything Jillian says.

I am Jill,
and this is my husband, Sal.

He has abnormally
small testicles.

[ Q and murr laughing ]

There you go, Sal.
That's your condition, buddy.

Okay.
Very fascinating.

Is this a progressive disorder
that you've got?

It is, yeah.

As I have aged,
I have had loss.

Like Benjamin button balls.

[ Q and murr laughing ]

We will...
We'll move on to Dan and Danny.

How has this affected
your relationship?

In retrospect,
I'm starting to feel like

Maybe this isn't
such a big deal after all.

[ Q and murr laughing ]

Yeah, I mean,
I would trade.
Yeah.

So would I.

[ Q and murr laughing ]

Sal and Jillian, have you
dealt with disappointments

In your relationship?

I think sometimes we role-play
or something like that,

When we're doing
something like that...
Right.

...It gets to a place
that's uncomfortable for me.

And then, like, we...

Well, we were
playing robots.
Yeah.

And then I was like,
"testicles not detected."

[ Q and murr laughing ]

Why... why would you...
Why would you...

Because I...
We had played robots...

We had played robots
times before that.

You said, "big jugs
not detected."

And so I said
what I said.

And when I came up
to meet eyes with you,

I thought
you would be laughing.

Murr: Good luck, Sal.

And I just thought we were
in a playful, fun, sexual space.

I'm just a robot
trying to find a nut.

I get it.

[ Q and murr laughing ]

If we're being totally honest,
being like...

Some women care about
big arms or ch...

Like, I actually
do like a...

A substantial sack.
Right.

[ Q and murr laughing ]

I don't know if we should be
talking about this.

Can we talk about his
[bleep] Eyebrow or something?

Sexually, I like something
to grab on to,

But you can move on
to him.

We're going to
switch things up a bit.

We've invited a doctor
to analyze and confirm

Each of our guests' conditions.

[ Q and murr laughing ]

I would like to introduce
everyone to Dr. Frank.

Q: There's Dr. Frank, baby!

There's Dr. Frank.

I would like to introduce
everyone to Dr. Frank.

Q:
There's Dr. Frank, baby.

It's our dear friend
Dr. Frank.

You know him
from being inside me.

Alright, so, Sal, if we just
have you stand right here.

I don't know if I feel
actually comfortable.

I understand
why you're doing this.

Because they've
never heard of it.

No, we all would love to hear

Dr. Frank's expert
medical opinions.

Yeah.

Dr. Frank: So you're just
going to loosen your belt.

And just open things up
a little bit. That's it.

So as we start
to check here...

[ chuckles ]
[ q and murr laughing ]

Murr:
Jillian's breaking.

Sal, look him in the eyes.

Look him right
in the eyes, Sal.

Look him right in the eyes.
Gonna check the left.

[ Q and murr laughing ]

In my medical opinion,

Those are the smallest balls
that I've ever seen.

[ Q and murr laughing ]

[ Applause ]

I've been Dr. Frank.

[ Q and murr laughing ]

Your balls are in here,
you know?

And in here.

Do you believe
or feel that there is

Any silver lining
to your situation?

He could be kicked in the balls
and never even feel it.

[ Q and murr laughing ]

Murr: Sal gets it.

It might make sense why
we had you put that padding

In your pants now.

[ laughing ]

I'd like to see that,
actually.

[ Q and murr laughing ]

I'd like to see it, too.

Thank you.
Honey, come on.

Q: Do it.

Come on.
What am I supposed to do?

- Come on. Let's...
- We can encourage him.

Come on, let's show them.
Let's show them.

- Okay.
- Alright, Sal.

- Here we go.
- Here you go.

I mean...
Ugh.

- Oh, this is so exciting.
- Here we go.

Q: Jillian, go for it.

Ohh.

[ Q and murr laughing ]

- Did we get a little penis?
- It caught penis.

It caught penis.

[ Q and murr laughing ]

We got him.
We got him.

Woman: You're very brave
for being here, Sal.

Like, metaphorically,
you have enormous balls.

[ Q and murr laughing ]

Q:
Oh, Sally boy, you're done.

Murr: Jillian, you're the best.
Thank you.

- You are awesome, Jillian.
- Thanks.
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