09x22 - Chris Jericho

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Impractical Jokers". Aired: December 15, 2011 –; present.*
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This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
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09x22 - Chris Jericho

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[ Laughter ]

[ Screams ]

♪♪

Let's just get this started.

Are you [bleep] Kidding me?

Who's a good cat?

[ Laughter ]

[ Cymbals crash ]

♪♪

[ laughs ]
[ Laughter ]

Narrator: With special guest,
Brooke shields.

It's a match made in heaven.

[ Laughter ]

Today, we're fashion designers
teaming up to get feedback

From a group of parents
for our new kids' clothing line.

The catch is each team's
bizarre designs

Have been created
by the other team.

So we won't know what fashions
we're pitching

Until the moment
the kids walk down that runway.

At the end, we'll ask the room
if our clothing line

Is ready to hit stores.

Whoever gets
the fewest hands raised loses.

[ All snap fingers ]

Murr: Alright, boys,
you are fashion designers.

Looking
at Brian and Sal,

How would you describe
their fashion sense?

I would say you get a really
good star for trying.

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Please have a seat.
Please, come on in.

We are designers,
and we're bringing out

A line
of children's clothes.

You guys ready?
- Yeah.

- Go for it.
- Fashion. Here we go. Alright.

Brooke and I have designed
your fashion line.

You have no idea
what it is.

Good luck explaining
and selling this.

See our first model.

This is
what we call rover.

[ Laughter ]

Okay. This look is fierce
and animalistic, literally,

As each garment
is custom made

Using the fur, scale, or feather
of a deceased pet.

Oh, Jesus.

[ laughs ]

Just because
a pet has d*ed

Doesn't mean
you can't take them with you.

It's called taxidermy.

But that's creepy.
That's creepy.

This is creepy.

Murr: [ Laughs ]

Taxidermy meets fashion.

This is
taxidermy meets fashion.

A -to -pound dog will yield
at least a medium to large hide.

It's fluffy's fur.

Rather than putting
the pet in the ground,

She's putting them
near her heart, near herself.

Not a chance in hell.

You might find one person
out of million

That might even be
receptive to this idea.

You're not a pet person?

Oh, I am.
That's exactly why.

I am a pet person,
and as someone who just

Recently lost her pet...

You wouldn't wear it?

You wouldn't wear it?
Absolutely not.

I would have a picture.

[ laughs ]

We're trying to reinvent
something that has been around.

Don't do it.
Don't.

I would not put that
on my child.

Stick to the day job?
This is our day job, Nigel.

This is a bad way
to start, boys.

Alright, let's...
Let's bring on our next model.

This one is called
the sassy priest.

Okay.

Black is always in style.

And with
this classic silhouette,

We've just invented
catholic couture.

This look is no longer
just for sun days.

This is
an everyday ensemble.

Work it, girl.

Murr: This is not good fashion,
boys.

- I love the belt.
- Brooke: Ooh, alright.

Isn't it great?
This is very fashionable.

Where?

[ Laughter ]

We're trying
to encourage

To be yourself
and represent yourself

And express yourself.
No, no, no, no, no.

[ Both laugh ]

You're trying to sell
a garment to a parent.

You don't even know the child
you're selling it to.

He's mad.

Q: Okay.

Murr: [ Laughing ] Oh!

Nigel's got you.

Children don't get introduced
to religion

Wearing a dress
like that.

Alright. So what we're hearing
is another like, not love.

That's pushing it.

You guys are done.

How about we do
our last one?

Q: Our final piece.
Alright.

This is little piggy.

There we go.

These hoodies
will not only have

Your little hype beast
looking good,

But they also help fight
childhood obesity

Through the development
of healthy eating habits.

- Murr: Sal, why are you hiding?
- Brooke: He's hiding his face.

Q: Each piggy hoodie
contains a sensor

That would play a warning
to shame the child publicly

Every time they try to eat
between meals,

Making sure
this little piggy has none.

[ Pig oinking ]

This is horrifying.

No!

No, we don't want them
to be ashamed.

No.

This guy's now mad
and offended.

By show of hands, how many of
you think the clothing line

We just showed you is ready
to pitch to nationwide chains?

By... by show of hands.

And zero votes.

Well done.
Whoo!

Each hand
represents a vote.

I've got two hands, and they're
staying firmly in my pocket.

[ Laughter ]

You never had a sh*t.

Sal: Look at this.

Guys, we have such
a huge advantage over you.

Brooke shields is doing
a fashion show challenge.

They might just get
on the wagon

Because she puts such
a stamp of credibility on it.

You got to get this
out of your head.

Okay, you're right. You're
letting shields get in your head.

I'm insidious.

Yeah, she is.

[ Laughter ]

Hi, guys. How are you?
My name is James.

And of course,
you recognize Brooke shields.

Wow, yes.

Brooke has a brand-new fashion
line coming out next year.

It's a children's fashion line,
specifically.

With someone
like Brooke shields,

You know
it's going to be great.

Oh, I don't know
about that.

[ Both laugh ]

We've designed their
entire fashion lines.

So this
is the anti-bullying shirt.

Q: Here we go.

Small for his age miles used to
be an easy target for bullies,

But not anymore.

If miles senses danger,

He needs only tug on the
all-cotton ripcord like this.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, wow.

And he becomes too big
to stuff inside a locker.

Added benefit,
he floats.

Q: Why does this kid
look so distraught?

[ laughs ]

I mean, it's definitely
giving him confidence.

I mean, he's ready.

Sal:
[ Speaking indistinctly ]

Murray,
what's going on?

[ Laughter ]

He's batting around.

[ Laughter ]

It's his first
fashion show.

You can go back here.
- Definitely does its job.

Q: Start getting annoyed
at the model

For not being
vibrant enough.

Can you just show
a little more happiness?

Yeah.
Little smile.

Have a good time.

Can you just dab?

There we go.

[ Laughter ]

Do you like it?
I like it.

Sal: I mean, what are you
talking about?

It's a life vest underneath
a button-down.

Next, this is
the j.R. Luggage.

Q: Here it comes.

Murr: There we go.

Okay.

Put your seats
in the upright position

Because Giovanna
is coming in for a landing,

Being wheeled around in this
sleek, modern, wearable luggage.

[ Laughter ]

Put her under the seat,
buckle her in.

Or just put her underneath,
and then this way she can sleep.

It's like having
a reclining seat.

That doesn't fit
underneath.

Is it comfortable
in there?

Murr, "louder."

Louder.

Good.

[ Laughter ]

Can you give us a dab?

[ Laughter ]

She's like... like...

[ laughing ]

You like it, right?

Yeah.

Okay, great.

Q: It's luggage
with a hole in it.

I think they're just
being nice to Brooke.

I'm telling you,
we still got this.

The last one's hard.

Okay, this next one
is kids anon.

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Oh, my god.

Q: You thought
you had it.

Brooke: Okay, this next one
is kids anon.

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

Summer is around
the corner,

And intense patriotism
is in this season.

Say goodbye to that stuffy,
elitist, preppy look

And hello
to populist whimsy.

Populist whimsy.
Populist whimsy.

This is... this is part
of the product line.

We think kids will love
being a little version

Of the qanon shaman.

I don't agree
with his politics.

Yeah, I don't either.
But I agree with the fashion.

[ Laughter ]

Q: Dab.

Dab. Dab.
Dab.

No, no, no, no, no!
Do a dab!

g*dd*mn these kids.

[ Laughter ]

What does it take
to get a dab?

See, look at that.
And look.

All of us, ready, dab.

They're all dabbing.
They're all dabbing.

So how many of you
by show of hands think

That Brooke's fashion line
is ready to go to market?

Oh, no one?

Q: What'd I tell you?
What'd I tell you?

Oh, my god!
Yes!

Was it the kid
in the luggage?

That was it.
It was the kid in the luggage.

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: Murr, Q, and Sal
couldn't make it

Down this catwalk,

Putting them all
on the loser board.

All: Alright!

Alright.
So we have a three-way tie.

So we designed the ultimate
dating game

Hosted by
the lovely Brooke shields.

Now, normally, we'd be trying
our best to win

Over the bachelorette,
but in this dating game,

We'll be trying to be the
worst bachelors of all time.

Yep,
because if you get chosen,

You are the one
getting punished.

At the end,

You're gonna have to reject
the bachelorette.

And when you reject
the bachelorette,

I'll have something
to say about it.

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Alright.
Here we go.

So the deal here is we're
intentionally saying

The absolute worst answers

Because we do not
want to get picked. Right?

Whoever gives the least
offensive answer

Is the one
that's going to lose.

I am not getting picked.

By the way, we have
all the writers back here

And just eating cake,
full cake.

We like to watch
when they're not here.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to "Brooke of love."

[ Cheers and applause ]

Please welcome
our three bachelors

And our host, Brooke shields!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Welcome to "Brooke of love."

And in a moment, one lovely
bachelorette will interview

Three eligible bachelors.

Our bachelorette
will have to decide

Which lucky bachelor
gets to accompany her on a date.

Please give it up
for Ashley Lisa.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you.

Thank you
so much for being here.

So why don't you just tell us
a little bit about yourself?

So I'm an accountant
and I'm very into fitness.

And this past year,

I trained for modeling
for this competition.

Absolutely amazing.
Murr, she's a model.

And it was a journey.

I think you should win
first place every single time.

Oh, you're so sweet.

Now it is the time for you
to meet our mystery men.

Take it away.

Bachelor number one,
describe our first kiss.

Murr: Uh...

Pass.

Okay.
Okay.

Did he say "pass"?

Son of a bitch.

Okay. Why don't we
continue with the questions?

Okay. Absolutely.

Bachelor number three,
describe our first kiss.

Q: The first kiss is yours.

Daddy's gonna take care
of everything

When it comes
to that kiss.

Okay.

Do you have
any thoughts?

Just that it's magical,
I hope.

You're done.

Brooke: Continue. Bachelor
number two, same question.

Sure. First,
I would caress your insane bod.

A little about me,
I'm a dude-bro,

And I just work
on my fitness as well,

So I guess, yeah, I'd start
by caressing your insane bod

And then eventually ask
for permission to kiss you.

[ Laughter ]

Dude-bro turns valley girl
is the best turn in history.

That's polite.
That's a gentleman. That's nice.

I wanted to be creepy.

Sweet. It is sweet.

Okay. Bachelor number one,
I just had a bad day.

How do you help me
de-stress?

Uh...

I would tickle you
endlessly.

And then we would
go donate blood.

[ Laughter ]

You're answering
like you're a psychopath.

I am. Look at me.

I do like to laugh.
Yeah.

And I mean, you know, and then
you're doing a good thing

For people
in need.

Damn it, Brooke.

Bachelor number two,

If you were to write me a poem,
what would you say?

Sal: If you don't mind,
I'd like to do my poem

In the way of a freestyle.

That's exciting.
Yes.

[ Rapping ] ♪ Yo, step to me and
I'll k*ll your whole family ♪

♪ I'm a Don in the streets,
the cops can't handle me ♪

♪ if you pick me,
I'll say the rosary ♪

♪ and thank the lord ♪

♪ punk b*tches
who stepped off ♪

♪ gon' get sent to the morgue ♪

I grew up
with gangster rap.

Okay, so which lines
resonated the most with you?

What was the first line?
He'd come close to me.

Step to me,
I'll k*ll your whole family.

Just step to me.
Just step to me.

[ Laughter ]

Bachelor number three,
do you plan on having kids?

Q: Well, according
to the courts of Florida,

I already have three
running around down there.

But I'm looking forward
to having a child

That I have
a relationship with, so, yeah.

Love it.

Okay.

Well, that... that's...
He's virile.

Game's getting tense.

Bachelor number one,
do you plan on having kids?

Do I plan on having kids
do what?

Like,
do you want kids?

Oh, do I want
to have kids?

Yes. Oh, now I
understand the question.

No.

[ laughs ] Okay.

Wow.
Do you want to have children?

I do. I do.
I do want a family.

I do want to get married
and have a family and...

I'm losing, m...
[ Bell rings ]

Oh, wait, that sound means
that it's the end of round one.

Our contestant will select
one bachelor to eliminate.

Who's...
Who's it gonna be?

Oh, it's got to be you.
You're a [bleep]

You sound like a m*rder*r.

Um...

I'm going to eliminate...

♪♪

Brooke: Ooh, ouch.

Our contestant will select
one bachelor to eliminate.

Ashley Lisa,
who's it gonna be and why?

Um...

I'm going to eliminate...

♪♪

Bachelor number one.

And it's because
you don't want to have kids

And I don't think
I'm your type.

[ Ding! ]
Ouch.

Wow.

[ Applause ]

♪♪

That's what
I'm talking about.

It is time for round two,

And there
are only two bachelors left.

The bachelorette is gorgeous,
by the way, guys.

Remember,
whoever gets chosen

Has to tell this girl
she's not worthy of him.

Bachelor number three,

What will our first fight
be about?

Q: It's probably gonna be
about what you're wearing.

[ Laughter ]

Okay. Is there certain things
you do or do not like?

Q: Uh...

I know what I don't like
when I see it, you know?

- Okay.
- Oh!

Murr: Brutal.

Oh, I'm getting nervous
for the guy who wins

That has to reject her.

Ashley Lisa: So both bachelors,
bachelor number three first,

How large
and in charge are you?

Q: Well, I'm not as large
as I used to be.

Murr: [ Laughs ]

And I've never really been
in charge of anything,

So I guess
that's my answer, yeah.

[ laughs ] Oh.

Okay.
Bachelor number two.

Sal: I've been told
I'm way too large.

Murr: [ Laughs ]

Sal: And as far as in charge,
call me Charles.

[ Laughter ]

Murr: Oh, it's neck and neck,
boys.

Look at the hatred
between their eyes.

[ Bell rings ]

Oh, we have to eliminate
another bachelor.

Oh, boys, this is it.

I'm on the fence.

I don't want to do it.

Brooke: Ashley Lisa,

Which one of these two men
are you bidding adieu?

- Um...
- Murr: Ready? Whoever wins

Has to reject her
on television.

Bachelor number three.

Murr: Ohh!

Oh!

Sal!

Now it's time
for the real punishment.

Sal's got to reject
this poor woman on TV.

Hey, I'm [bleep] Nervous.

Q: Oh, my god, Sal.

Dude, I'm so happy that's
you down there and not me.

I genuinely thought...
I genuinely thought

You were gonna
get picked.

You don't know how hard
this is gonna be.

Ugh.

[ Applause ]
Alright.

Here we go!

[Bleep]

It's finally time
to meet the man

You'll be going
on a date with tonight.

Please reveal
our winning bachelor.

She's not your type,
bud.

Here we go.
[ Laughs ]

Here we go.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Oh,
pleasant-looking man.

[ Applause ]

Okay. We have to take
a very short break,

But when we come back,
we'll see if we have a match.

Murr: Oh, no.

Alright, Sal.
Here we go.

Uh-oh, Sal,
you're repulsed by her.

[ Applause ]

Brooke: Yeah, alright.
Thank you.

Murr: Okay, Sal,
time to start the rejection.

[ Exhales sharply ]

How you doing?
Hi. How are you?

Hi. Good.

Thanks for picking me.

Oh, no.

[ Clears throat ]
Man: Alright, and let's...

But before we start...

Before we start,
can I ask a couple of questions?

Q: Oh, my god.

I'm just
a little nervous.

Um...

I... if I don't...
If I don't...

If I don't want
to do it...

Can I not do it?

What?

[ Groans ]

If I, like...
If... right, like, uh...

[ sighs ] Uh...

Murr: "you're not my type."

She's not my type,
exactly.

[ Laughter ]

Q: Oh!
This is gonna be hard.

- Q: Alright, Sal.
- Murr: Here it goes.

She's not your type,
bud.

Before we start...
Before we start,

If I don't... if I don't want
to do it...

Can I not do it?

- What?
- Oh!

She's not my type,
exactly.

Are you kidding me?

No, no, no.
I'm just trying to be honest,

Because it's...
I just want to know if, like...

Did they not...
...If they could sub...

Like, I can give her
to the bachelor one or three.

Oh.

I'm sorry.
Did you just say

That you could give her,
like... like trade-in?

No, no. You know what I mean.
I won her.

I mean,
I won the contest.

Q: Sal.

Oh, my god.

I don't mean it
in any way.

I know she's...
She's very beautiful.

I don't mean it like that.
I just...

I just have a very specific type
and she ain't it, you know?

[ Laughter ]

Oh.

I'm just saying,
if I won her, I should...

I... stop talking.

[ Laughter ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

Man: Here we go.
, , .

[ Sighs ]

[ Applause ]

Well, welcome back.

And it is time to check in with
our bachelor and bachelorette

And see
if it's a match made in heaven.

Q: Oh, go ahead, Sal.
It's not...

It's not
a match in heaven at all.

I know we're on air,
but it's not a match.

I just don't want...
Can we just yell cut?

Because I... I don't want
to go through with it

Because I'm not...
It's "Brooke of love."

I'm not gonna love her.
She's not my type, you know?

Q: Alright, Brooke,
time to unleash!

Have you looked
at yourself lately?

Oh!

I-I-I...
I'm just saying...

What's up with the with
the wolf man Jack hairdo?

[ Laughter ]

Q: We didn't tell Brooke
to say that!

[ Laughs ]

I don't get it.
Yeah, I-I...

I just... I don't know
what you're trying to do.

I have a very
specific type.

Oh, that... well, you look like
you can be really picky.

[ Laughter ]

I'm gonna make it about me
right now, okay?

I am Brooke shields,

And I'm gonna tell you
to go [bleep] Yourself.

[ Cheers and applause,
jokers laughing ]

Can we finish the... no, I don't
want to hear another [bleep] Word

Out of your mouth,
and I'm not...

I am not kidding.
Get off the heart.

[ Laughter ]

How do you...
Don't...

I...
I just want to go back.

I'll go back.

Do... hey, d*ck less.

Find another exit
and find it fast.

But it's "Brooke of love."
it's not now.

[ Laughter ]

Don't break my set,
[bleep] Face.

Get the [bleep]
Out of here.

[ Laughter ]

We still see you,
[bleep]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Q: Holy crap.
That was amazing.
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