06x05 - Vampire Weakened

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up,

why is Sal punching his way
out of a paper bag?

[ Laughter ]

What's got Q
breaking the ice?

I just love to suck ice pops
all day long.

[ Laughter ]

And which losing joker

will sink his teeth
into tonight's big punishment?

[ Laughter ]

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ Laughter ]

Murr:
I want my mommy!

[ Laughter ]

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ Laughter ]

Today,
we're working at Carvel,

and it is a perfect day
for ice cream.

While working
behind the counter,

we'll have to do and say

whatever the other
guys tell us.

If you refuse to do
or say anything, you lose.

Q: It's gonna be
a whale of a time!

Oh, Q.

-Aw, Q.
-Q.

Joe:
I've heard it's been pronounced
wrong all these years.

What?
Guys, it's pronounced
"ass cream."

Oh, ass cream!
Ass cream.

Yeah, not ice cream.

Yeah, sure it is.

[ Laughing ]
Q: Ass cream.

It's hot out there today,
right?

Perfect day
for ass cream.

Perfect day...

[ Laughter ]

Perfect day
for ass cream.

[ Laughter ]

Can I try
the chocolate hazelnut?

Ass cream.

Chocolate hazelnut?

Ass cream? Small?

There she goes.
Now she got it.

Yeah. But,
just one ass cream?

[ Laughter ]

Can I get you both
a set of ass creams?
Woman: No, I'm good.

Oh, you don't yet.
So, let me know.

I'll make this ass cream.

I'll come back to you
for your ass cream.

You want ice?

[ Laughter ]

These two are to go?

Q: Sal, punch a hole
in the bottom of the bag.

[ Laughter ]

Now, put the stuff in.
Now, put the stuff in.

[ Laughter ]

Look at the guy.

[ Laughter ]

Can I get a new bag?
Sal: Oh, sure.

Punch a hole
in this new bag too, buddy.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ]

Murr: He just handed him
an empty bag.

What'd you do?

He needs a bigger bag,
clearly.
Oh, of course.

You know, what you probably
needed a bigger bag.

[ Laughter ]

What would you like?

Murr:
This kid wants sprinkles.

Count out sprinkles
exactly.

Sal: You wanted the junior
with rainbow, right?

That's sprinkles.

One.

Two.

[ Laughter ]

Three.

Four.

Joe: There's been
a sprinkle shortage.

There's been
a sprinkle shortage,

and we have people
that use 'em too liberally.
Oh.

So, now they want
exact counts for them.

.

.

They want me to count out
by -- by hand.

It'll go a lot quicker
if we don't talk.

[ Laughter ]

Joe: Oh, that's enough.
Dump 'em all.

Oh, my God.

[ Laughter ]

Let me say one thing.

Let me just
say one thing.

You two gentlemen...
You two gentlemen...

...made a beautiful child.

...made a be--

made a beautiful child.

[ Laughter ]

Murr:
I can't believe he said it!

Okay, guys,
time for a delivery.
All right.

Murr: [ Laughing ]

♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

All right, Sal!

[ Laughter ]

Look at his big fat face.
Q: [ Laughs ]

Joe:
You're punching yourself!

It's frozen, you dope!

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

Welcome to Carvel.
What can I do for you?

Joey, keep getting distracted
by your own hand.

You want to soften up...

Huh?

[ Laughter ]

Look, look, look,
look, look.

Q: He looks so stupid.

This one.

No, no, no.
Look, look, look.

See right here?

This one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[ Laughter ]

So, that one's $ . ,
and $ . ?

Just slap the register
with your hands.

Like, just palm it.

$ . for them both.

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Look at his face.

[ Laughter ]

Hey, bud, how are you?

Small vanilla with
chocolate syrup.
You got it.

Joe, keep touching
the ice cream by accident

with your nose.

Did you want
the hot fudge?

[ Laughter ]

It's all right, man.
Sorry, no. I'm sorry.

You know what?
I'll do a bigger --

I'll do the bigger cup.

Joe, hit your nose
on it again.

Okay, so that's it.

Ah! Ah! Oh!

Oh, that's on me.

Murr: You got to get him
another one, Joe!

That's on me.
That's my bad.

Let me get you
a bigger cup.

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Slam your face into it
on the table.

Oh! Oh!

[ Laughter ]

That's my bad.
Let me get a bigger cup.

Joe, go in the back
and grab a bucket.

[ Laughter ]

Chocolate syrup.

Joe, get your head
in that bucket!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

[ Laughter ]

Oh, oh, oh, man!

That's on me!

[ Ding! ]
[ Laughter ]

It's a perfect day
for ice cream, isn't it?

Right on.

That's a straight-up
tight-ass perm right there.

I tell you.
That is a stra--

[ Laughter ]

That is a straight-up,
tight-ass perm right there.

[ Laughter ]

Joe: I'm talking
hashtag permanant!

Hashtag permanent!

It's all-natural.
It's all-natural?

It looks fantastic.

[ Laughter ]

I want a soft vanilla
with rainbow sprinkles.

Soft vanilla with
rainbow sprinkles --
you got it.

Soft vanilla was my nickname
in college.

So--

[ Laughter ]

Soft vanilla was my nickname
in college.

Tight-ass perm.

[ Laughter ]

How can I help you out?

You want me to write it
on the cake?

-Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
-Sure.

All right, no problem.
I'll go do it right now.

What are you gonna
make it say?
Congrats, you big baby?

That's better.
How's that?

[ Laughter ]

Okay, so here we go.

Uh, "Congrats, you big baby"
right?

[ Laughter ]

What did you say?

Joe: Oh!

No problem, no problem,
we'll fix it, we'll fix it.

"Congrats on
your baby boy."
You ready, Murr?

Congrats on
your big-ass baby.

[ Laughter ]

ay?

Joe: Oh.

No problem, no problem,
we'll fix it, we'll fix it.

"Congrats on
your baby boy."
You ready, Murr?

Congrats on
your big-ass baby.

[ Laughter ]

Here we go,
here we go, okay.

Uh, "Congrats on
your big-ass baby."

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

You had it easy
out there, pal.

What are you
talking about?

I did not!
You go out for my turn.

One turn.

If I don't get you,

I'll take a loss
for the whole episode.

But I'm gonna go hard
on you.

I'm gonna go hard
on you.
Whole episode?

Whole -- I'll take
an a*t*matic loss.

Fine, you're on.
Let's do it.

All right.
I'm going out!

All right.

Joe: Back at the scene.

You just made
a serious mistake.

Murr: Hello, sir.

Let me guess.
Chocolate.

[ Laughter ]

I just lost.

[ Laughter ]
Q: Wow!

Narrator: Murr froze up,

so he's being soft-served
onto the loser board.

Today, we're in the park
with all my dogs.

We're each gonna take
a Gatto pup,

go up to a stranger,

and ask him
to watch our dog for us.

The catch is,

we're not gonna use
the dog's real name.

We're gonna give
a name and back story

that's been fed to us
by the other guys.

Once somebody agrees
to watch the dog,

one of us will approach
and then ask about the dog.

If you can't get the stranger
to repeat the name

and weird back story,
you lose.

Sit!

Stay.

Sal: All right, Q, let's go.
Here we go!

I assigned the dogs to you,
my friends,

on, you know,
personality or look.

Mishkeen and Q
are dead ringers.

They say that all owners
look like their dogs.

[ Meowing sounds ]

What is that?
That's Mishkeen!

[ Laughter ]
[ Meowing sounds ]

That's not your dog
right now.
Look at Q!

Is that Q making that sound
or the dog?
No, it's the dog!

Murr:
The dog's doing that?

[ Mewing sounds ]

Sounds like somebody's
letting the air out of him.

Q:
All right, buddy, okay.
I got to go now, too.

Would you actually mind
watching him for a second

while I run to the bathroom?

Thank you.
His name is, uh...

Joe: His name's Ice Pops.
...Ice Pops.

'Cause I love to suck ice pops
all day long.

I just love to suck ice pops
all day long.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, I'm gonna run to
the men's room right there.

Oh, he's adorable!
What's his name?

Well,
his name is Mishkeen,

because I just
looked at the tag.

Ice Pops?

[ Laughs ]

Why did he name him
Ice Pops?

[ Laughter ]

All right, well,
you got an adorable dog.

Oh, I'm gonna go back in there
and take care of that.
Go ahead.

Take care, guys.
Have a good day, okay?

We're gonna send Q
back in.

Ice Pops!

Thank you so much
for watching him.
Good doggie!

Okay, thank you,
Mishkeen.

That was my old dog
that d*ed.

Oh, no!
I know, horribly.

They were brothers,
so I put Mishkeen's on Ice Pop.

Aw.
Yeah, I know.

I'm not so weird
after all.

[ Laughter ]

All right, thank you!

[ Ding! ]
[ Laughter ]

I got Biscotti,
the fat angry one.

She's also
the leader of the pack,

so she stands up
for the other ones.

It's like with you guys.

[ Laughter ]

Come on, puppy.
Good girl.

Come on. Come on.
Good girl.

Hi, sorry to bother you.

I have to use the restroom.

Would you mind watching my dog
real quick?

I know I can't
take her over there.

Oh.
Yes.

Are you guys gonna be here
for a minute, or no?

Is that cool?

Thank you so much,
I appreciate it.

Yeah, her name is, uh...

Biscotti.

Her name is Biscotti.

I named her that because I'm
an unhealthy fat bastard

that lives and dies
by pastry.

I named her that because
I'm an un--

I'm an unhealthy fat bastard
that lives and dies by pastry.

[ Laughter ]

I'll be right back.
I'm just gonna run
to the restroom.

Okay.

There's no way
the guy's saying it.

There's no way.

Sons of b*tches.

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Hi.

What's, uh,
what's his name?

Oh, you're dog sitting?

Well, what was the name?

All: Biscotti!

That's funny.
That's a cute name for a dog.

Kind of wonder why
he named it that?

[ Laughter ]

Was he a portly man,
or...

Stocky fella?

Bigger than you.

Was he, like,
an unhealthy, fat bastard?

No.

Done.
It's a loss.

[ Sighs ] Daddy's back.
Hi, Biscotti.

Hi, baby.

I ran as fast as I could,

but I'm such an unhealthy
fat bastard

that lives and dies
by pastry.

[ Buzzer ]
[ Laughter ]

Cannoli, come on,
this way!

Q: How did Murray
get Cannoli?

Well, we went with
what people look like.

Like, Cannoli has
the smallest head.

Murray's got
the smallest head of us.
Without a doubt.

Okay, here we go.

Sir, do you know -- is there
a men's room around?

Yeah, I see it over there.

I don't want to take him
in the --

white dogs are problematic
with...

Do you mind?

He just asked,
"can I watch the dog?"

Thank you so, so much.
I really appreciate it.
I'll be right back.

It's name is Hennessy.

My dog's name
is Hennessy.

I named him that
'cause I use him

to hit on
smokin' hot black chicks.

I named him that...

[ Laughter ]

I named him that
'cause I use him

to hit on
smokin' hot black chicks.

[ Laughter ]

I'll be right back,
okay?

Thank you so much.
I appreciate it.

Okay, Hennessy,
I'll be right back. Bye.

I feel good.

I'm just gonna go for
a walk in the park

and check the facts
on this dog.

There's no way that guy
is gonna repeat that.

[ Whistles ]
I love petting dogs

Joe: Oh, here goes Q.

Hello, sweetheart!

Oh, my God.
What's her name?

Hennessy?

[ Laughter ]
Got one!

Oh, Hennessy,
how you doin' sweetheart.

What -- why Hennessy?

Oh. Do you know why
they named him Hennessy?

You don't know.

No! Come on!

[ Laughter ]

Quick, give me Hennessy!

There's some smokin' hot
black chicks by the bathroom.

Come on, Hennessy!
They love Hennessy!

That's it,
they love Hennessy!

[ Buzzer ]

This dog is yanking me.

Tartufo, I gave to Sal because
Tartufo is my sexy one.

It's the youngest, cutest
cotton ball with legs.

Stop walking
in front of me.

Also, the least trained.

So, this should be fun
to watch Sal

trying to control
my biggest, strongest dog.

No, no, no, no, no!

Sit. Sit.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, then just
come on this way.

What an alpha-male.

Come here. Come here.
Oh, good girl.

Murr: Here we go.
Come on.

Her name's, uh...

Sluff.

Sluff.

I named him that
'cause it's the sound

that his mom made
when he slid out.

[ Laughter ]

Sluff.

I named him that
'cause it's the sound

that his mom made
when he slid out.

It was like, sluff.

Wow,
that is disgusting.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, Sluff.

I named her Sluff
'cause it was the --

it was actually like,
the sound that she made

when she was born.

When she came out of her mom,
it was like, "sluff."

[ Laughs ]

I know, weird,
but, it's funny.

I have to use the restroom.
Would you...

Like, seconds?

Okay. Come here, honey.

All right, so far.
There you go.

Thank you so much again.

Joe: All right,
let's check it out.

Q: Joe's going in.

How do you see
this one going?

Sal: This is gonna be
a tough one, guys.

So, you have to get her

to talk about the sound
that dogs make...

Yeah.
Onomatopoeia.

Sluff is onomatopoeia.

Hi! Hello!

How are you!

Oh, what's her name?

Slurf?

She's saying it,
she's saying it.

Yeah, yeah,
I'm in so far.
Okay.

Why -- why, uh, Slurf,
do you know?

[ Groans ]
Yes!

That's odd, but it's cool.

Oh, wow.
Ba-ba-ba-baaaa!

[ Ding! ]

Narrator: Murr and Joe ran away

with their tails
between their legs,

making Murr
tonight's big loser.

And Murr's our loser.

That's it, and it has been
said by many people, buddy,

that you have no soul.

So today, you are going
to be playing Dracula

in a local presentation of
the "Dracula's Monologues."

What's the Dracula's --
there's no such play.

Exactly, what's
the "Dracula's Monologues"!

Don't worry, it's a role

you could really sink your teeth
into, my friend.

Don't worry about it.

Now you're getting it.
I have to make it up?

Speaking of makeup...

Here we go.

Go ahead.
Oh, fangs!

[ Laughs ]

[ Pipe organ music ]

Q: There he is.

[ Laughter ]

You look so stupid.

And now we cut the mike

and leave you to
your own devices, bye!

Yeah, good luck, buddy.
See you later.

No, wait, wait, wait.
Come on!

Come on, don't do that!
That's not funny!

Like,
I don't know what to say!

Don't worry, it's just
the "Dracula Monologues."

I don't know the story.

[ Laughter ]

All right,
ladies and gentlemen,

"Impractical Jokers" present
the "Dracula Monologues."

[ Drum roll ]

[ Upbeat piano music plays ]

♪ Hallelujah ♪

Oh, by the way, it's not
the "Dracula Monologues."

[ Laughter ]

You're in a gospel choir
as James Murray, right.

And you're about to do
this performance.

♪ Hallelujah ♪

He's got to perform
with this gospel choir right now

to the best of his ability.

So the choir is in on it,

but the audience has no idea.

Why am I Dracula?

[ Laughter ]

Q: Let's go, let's go!

[ Laughter ]

♪ Hallelujah ♪

Joe:
Look at his face!

Yeah!

[ Laughter ]

Murr: I don't know.
Why am I Dracula?

Just sing.

♪ Hallelujah ♪

[ Laughter ]
♪ Hallelujah ♪

Like, what is
the audience thinking?

♪ Hallelujah ♪

Whoo!
♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

[ Audience applauding ]
[ Laughter ]

♪ Oh when the saints ♪

♪ Go marchin' in ♪

♪ Oh when the saints
go marchin' in ♪

[ Laughter ]

♪ Oh ♪

He's like...
He's off b*at!
He's off b*at!

He's off b*at!

♪ When the saints
go marchin' in ♪

Murr: ♪ You got to be
within that number ♪

♪ Oh when the saints
go marchin' in ♪

[ Laughter ]
♪ Oh, when the saints ♪

♪ Wanna be, wanna be,
wanna be, wanna be ♪

♪ Wanna be, wanna be
wanna be, wanna be ♪

♪ Wanna be, wanna be
wanna be, wanna be ♪

♪ Oh, when the saints
go marchin' in ♪

Q: Big finish!

Murr: [ Vocalizing ]

The fun's just
getting started, buddy.

Woman: ♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh hoo ♪

♪ Hoo hoo ♪
♪ Boo hoo ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

[ Laughter ]

Q: Yes!
[ Sings indistinctly ]

♪ I remember the day ♪

♪ I remember the hour ♪

Oh, she's gonna testify,
James.

♪ Early in the morning ♪

♪ Oh, late at night ♪

I wonder
who testifies next.

[ Laughter ]
No!

Oh ♪

I remember the hour ♪

Oh, she's gonna testify,
James.

♪ Early in the morning ♪

I wonder
who testifies next.

♪ Oh, late at night ♪

[ Laughter ]
No!

♪ My troubles ♪

♪ No, no ♪

♪ No, no ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah ♪

Q: Uh-oh!

Joe: All right, Murr,
take the center stage.

♪ Holy ♪

Testify!

[ Laughter ]

Here we go.

Murr: ♪ Hoo hoo ♪

[ Laughter ]

♪ I... ♪

Woman: Come on.

♪ I'm a man
who is pretty strong ♪

♪ I've got three friends
that done do me wrong ♪

[ Laughter ]

♪ Holy, holy, holy, holy ♪

He's like...

♪ No matter what my friends
do to me ♪

♪ I gotta say
I kinda love them too-ey ♪

♪ Holy, holy, holy, holy ♪

Now, let's speed it up!

[ Laughter ]

♪ Holy ♪

♪ Holy ♪

[ Laughter ]

♪ Holy ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Holy ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Holy ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Holy ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Holy ♪

Sal: What is that?

What is that move?

♪ Holy, Holy ♪

♪

-He's doing James Brown!
-He's doing James Brown!

Woman: Yes! Yes!

What am I -- what am I
watching right now?

♪ Holy ♪

♪ Holy ♪

♪ Holy ♪

♪ Glory, glory, glory ♪

♪ To the newborn king ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Joe: Look!

[ Laughter ]

Murr, big finish!
Come on down.

[ Eerie piano music ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Laughter ]

Murr:
Why am I Dracula?

[ Laughter ]

♪

e! [ Laughter ]

James Murray
just got punished,

and you're watching
"Impractical Insider."

We're gonna give you
a behind-the-scenes look

at everything
that happened.

Check this out.

♪ Oh, when the saints ♪

♪ Oh, when the saints ♪

♪ Go marchin' in ♪

♪ Go marchin' in ♪

♪ When the saints
go marchin' in ♪

What do you like best
about this punishment?

One of my favorite things
is the, uh,

when there's
such a huge switch...

Uh-huh.
...that you
don't see coming.

He won't see it coming
in a million years.

Joe: It's not
the "Dracula's Monologues."

Certain days on set,

you know, like,
we're in a dingy basement,

or, you know,
we're on a boat.

But today, we get to hang out
in a theater

and get to listen to this.

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ It's Murr ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ He's gettin' punished ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Because he lost ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

So yeah,
we have a lot of options

for the Dracula outfit.

It's kind of
Dracula-inspired.

It's like a crazy,
fun vampire.

So, this is one
we're probably not gonna use.

Whoa, this is cool.

Like, that's like
a pirate one.

I love this --
all this velvet.

This is kind of S&M,
though,

which Murr
won't like too much.

And you can't use that
for a punishment.

What have they told you
so far?
Nothing.

Nothing, but I --
I have ascertained

I'm in some kind of theater,
a school of some kind.

Today, you are going to be
playing Dracula

in a local presentation of
the "Dracula's Monologues."

Well, at least
I'm dressed in black.

Well...
Well, of course you
got to change.

Of course you got to change,
you know that.

Q: You think you're gonna
go dressed like this?

Dracula doesn't
look like this.

Well, okay,
then put a cape on me.

But I'm already in costume.
Yeah, yeah.

We're gonna put a cape on you
and that's it.

What are your main concerns
with this punishment?

Well, they're telling me

I have to improvise
an entire play from scratch.

Mm-hmm.
That -- that's a big
[Bleep] concern.

So, just beyond there,
Murr is getting into makeup,

and he has no idea
what's gonna happen.

He really believes that
he's doing this performance.

Q: You look so stupid!

Like, I don't know
what to say.

Joe: Don't worry, it's just
the "Dracula's Monologues."

I don't know the story!

[ Laughter ]

So, Murr's upstairs already,

and this lovely choir
is going in.

♪ Hallelujah ♪
Joe: You're in a gospel choir
as James Murray.

You're about to do
this performance.

♪ Hallelujah ♪
Q: Go, let's go!

Hallelujah

This is all happening
right now, baby.

♪ Hallelujah ♪

It's goin' down.

♪ Hallelujah ♪

Whoo!
♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

[ Laughter ]

Let me just
clear something up.

So, the whole time
you were worried, actually,

about the punishment,
about what you were
gonna say and do?

Yeah, I'm like,

I don't know enough
about Dracula's history.

I don't know --
I know some basic details,

but I'm like,
how am I gonna improvise

a whole play on my own?

[ Laughing ] I read his whole
Wikipedia page to research.

We needed to get some soul,
did you notice that?
Oh, my God.

Yeah, yeah.
Your soul?

Got it.
Got it, they gave me soul!

Yeah.
It all makes sense now.

I wish we had
one more song.

Joe,
we have one more song!
Oh, we have one more!

Finale, Murray!

♪ Glory, glory,
hallelujah ♪

♪ Glory, glory,
hallelujah ♪

♪ Glory, glory,
hallelujah ♪

♪ His truth is marching on ♪

♪ His truth is marching on ♪

[ Laughter ]

[ Audience applauds ]