06x07 - X Man

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up,
will Q be the hero

of a special four-man challenge?

[ Laughs ]

Why is Murr keeping it
under wraps?

It's cold out,
so I wore a blankie.

[ Laughter ]

And which losing joker
will be caught off guard

in tonight's spur-of-the-moment
punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ Laughter ]

Murr:
I want my mommy!

[ Laughter ]

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ Laughter ]

For the first time ever,

all four of us will be competing
at the same time.

We'll be sitting in a waiting
room among strangers,

secretly trying to
make each other laugh.

If you laugh,
you're eliminated.

And the last man standing
will win.

♪

[ Cellphone beeping ]

[ Whispering ]
...

......

Representative.

Representative.

Erectile dysfunction.

Erec--

Erectile dysfunction.

Call back.

I'm sorry.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Ah.

Hmm.

Sorry about that.

[ Zipper zips ]

Sexy selfie.

[ Camera shutter clicks,
camera whirs ]

Multiracial selfie.

[ Camera shutter clicks,
camera whirs ]

[ Belches ]

Excuse me.
[ Belches ]

You guys all waiting
for a photo sh**t, too?

-Yeah.
-What do you guys do?

Uh, I write.

What do you do?

If anybody
wants my card.

I'm a [bleep] doctor.

[ Laughs ]

I'm a good gyne.

[ Buzzer ]

"[Bleep] doctor."

And my whole bag of props
useless now

'cause he pulled out
"[bleep] doctor."

Damn it.

Have you been at your craft
a long time?

Six years now.
I'm , so it took a while.

There was a lot of school.

It's been my experience,

you never end up
where you started off at.

Yeah, my degree
was finance.

Finance?

[ Wood knocking ]

Sorry?
I had an accounting degree
coming out of college,

but I don't do it anymore.

[ Laughs ]

I was a CPA for a while.

Then I got into sales.

-How's that working out?
-It's great.

[ Q laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Buzzer ]
Q: There you go. Sal's out.

Come on down!

Damn it. Two dogs humping?
I thought it was --

First of all, your ponytail

almost eliminated me
from the walk in.

[ Laughs ]
I know. I saw that.

Sal:
And then there were two.

Uh-oh.

-[ Laughs ]
-Did he just fart?

Man: Hey.
Are you all right?

Yes. I slipped
on the stupid pencils.

Q:
Oh, you've got to get up and --

[ Laughter ]

[ Murr laughs ]

[ Buzzer ]

Oh, Murray's out!

Gatto takes it
with an ass to the face!

What an ending!

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: Joe was the
"laugh" man standing,

so he's safe
from the loser board.

Today we're going
up to park-goers

and asking them if they
agree or disagree.

The catch is the weird thing
we're trying to convince them

to agree with has been
given to us by the other guys.

If the stranger doesn't agree,
you lose.

You got kids?

Oh, yeah.
I need this job.

Narrator: It's Murr and Q
in a Joker vs. Joker challenge.

Q: Ah.

Sal: All right, Q, let's go.
Here we go.

Hey, they drained
that fountain, huh?

Usually, like,
there's, like, a fountain

with all sorts of water flowing
in it and stuff like that.

[ Laughing ] That's the
definition of a fountain.

Let me ask you something.
Agree or disagree?

Sal: Three best words
in the English language.

Three best words
in the English language.

"Mangle,"
"ding-dong," "turd."

[ Laughter ]

♪

Let me ask you something.
Agree or disagree?

Sal: Three best words
in the English language.

Three best words
in the English language.

"Mangle,"
"ding-dong," "turd."

"Mangle,"
"ding-dong," "turd."

Agree or disagree?

[ Laughter ]

But I feel like you can get
any point across

with mangle, ding-dong,
and turd.

What sort of ding-dong m*nled
this fountain by draining it?

My day's now a turd.
[ Laughs ]

-Right?
-Yeah.

You agree?

[ Both laugh ]

Some ding-dong
m*nled your day?

-Made it a turd day? Yeah.
-Yeah.

So those are the three
best words, right,

English language --
you agree with me?

I'd say so.

-Yeah.
-Yeah. why not?

-Yeah!
-Yeah! Well done.

All right, ding-dong,
I got to go drop a turd.

[ Laughter ]
I'll mangle you later.

-All right.
-All right, buddy. Thank you.

[ Laughter ]

Sal:
Why is he in that?

He looks like
a homeless superhero.

I underestimated the weather.
It's cold out.

So you brought a blanket
instead of a jacket?

I have a T-shirt on.

I look like Bon Jovi
in the "Steel Cowboy" video.

Sal:
Yeah, but you're not a steel
cowboy. It's a steel horse.

Do you even know
what a steel horse is?

It's a horse, right?

It's a motorcycle, dope!

Ohh.

[ Laughs ]

Do you like
this afghan?

[ Laughter ]

Anyways,
agree or disagree?

Gift cards are the dry hump
of Christmas presents.

Gift cards are the dry humps
of Christmas presents, right?

[ Laughter ]

Nobody's really
satisfied, right?

Do you agree or disagree?

You disagree?

-Oh.
-Oh.

I see what you're saying --
like, right time, right place,

right person --
dry hump's great, but --

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize.

[ Laughter ]

Don't you think
that gift cards

are like the dry hump
of Christmas gifts?

Who raises their hand
if you agree?

Just -- No? Okay.

Forget it.
Thanks. Have a great lunch.

[ Laughter ]

It's cold out,
so I wore a blankie.

Agree or disagree?

She be stanky.
[ Laughs ]

She be stankin'.

Right?

Sure? Great.
See you later.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]
Q: Wow.

Narrator:
Everyone was in agreement,

so Murr and Q are safe
from the loser board.

Today we're at
Artevino Studio

teaching a "mommy and me"
art class.

While leading the class,
you'll have to do and say

whatever the other guys
tell you.

If you refuse any of it,
any of it at all, you lose.

Hopefully, it's a-parent
that we're kid-ing.

-That's not good.
-That --

-You tried, though.
-Let's just leave it.

♪

Sal, turn around,
turn around.

-Turn my back to them?
-Yeah, back to the class.

Just be seated there with
your head in your hands

when the class comes in.

[ Child babbling ]

[ Laughter ]

Sal:
You can just sit anywhere.

Joe: Get up, do that big sigh,
and compose yourself.

[ Sighs ]

Look at this little girl
looking at him!

[ Laughter ]

How is everybody?

Sal, you are the teacher,
they are the students.

They must bow
with respect.

[ Exhales sharply ]

Is that gonna be
a rainbow?

As a sign of respect,
we'll bow.

-Yeah!
-Yeah! All right!

Q: Sal, feel the front
apron pocket there.

We put a little something
in there for you.

Just offer some
to the kids.

Loose candies?

[ Laughter ]

Oh, you're getting looks.

Loose candies?

[ Laughter ]

Oh, this is definitely a heart.
Very good.

Joe: Sal, you've been
talking about that extra
ticket to Burning Man.

See if any of these
little kids want to go
to Burning Man with you.

[ Laughter ]

Murr: Here it comes.

Any interest in going
to Burning Man?

With me?

[ Laughter ]

Oh.

So that's a hard no?

So that's --
that's a hard no, then?

[ Laughter ]

Any interest at all
in going to Burning Man?

No.

-"No."
-[ Laughter ]

-All right.
-Good.

Loose candies?

[ Laughter ]

Hi, guys!

This is your canvas, okay,

and Mom's gonna be drawing
on her canvas, okay?

Remember, don't eat the paint.
Don't. Eat. The paint.

[ Laughter ]

This is your canvas, okay?

And Mom's gonna be drawing
on her canvas, okay?

Remember, don't eat the paint.
Don't. Eat. The paint.

Don't. Eat.
The paint.

[ Laughter ]

Don't eat it. It's no good.
Don't eat it.

I no eat paint!

Oh, my God.
This kid is adorable.

Do you think you're gonna
draw anything up here?

Oh, oh, excuse me.
I got to take this call.

Give me one second.
I'm sorry. My phone.

It's your boss, Dora.
You're trying to get a raise.

You're just not
getting paid enough.

Yes. Hi, Dora. How are you?
Well, I got my check.

First of all, the rate was too
low than what we agreed on.

You know, I'm barely
making minimum wage.

You're k*lling me, Dora.

Good job.
Good job, buddy.

No, you know what it is?

It's just three years
I've been an employee here.

[ Laughter ]

You know, my middle name
is "Artevino."

You know that. That's how much
I love this company.

I don't want to go
this route.

I don't want to go
this route.

I have a competing offer
from Arte Whiskey.

[ Laughter ]

Listen. I don't want
to do this, okay?

But I have
a competing offer.

Yeah. You've heard
of Arte Whiskey?

[ Laughter ]

Look into it
and get back to me, okay?

Bye.

Great job. Who's drawing
another rocket ship?

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Oh, my God. The kid's
giving you the evil eye.

Joe: Oh, I thought
you only had one here.

Did you pay
for this one, too?

I'm done!

-So you have two kids.
-I'm done!

You only paid for one?

Oh, yeah. I didn't know that
they were doing it for free.

Call Dora. Ask her why she's
giving away free classes.

Give me one second.

Hey, Dora. It's James.

Yeah, I just found out that all
these people are here for free?

[ Laughter ]

Why you giving away
free classes?

I work on commission.

[ Ding! ]

Sal:
Joe, strike a pose right now.

All right.
When someone walks in,

just go,
"Who vants to paint?!"

All right.

Hold it.

[ Italian accent ]
Who likes to paint?!

[ Laughter ]

Ha ha ha-ha!

Every time somebody comes in,
you say, "Who vants to paint?!"

Who vants to -- No.

[ Laughs ]

That wasn't a student.

Sal: All right. Oh.
Joe, strike a pose.

Who vants to paint?!

[ Laughter ]

Yes, yes. First mommy and me.
I do the advanced.

Oh.

Keep having them look
all around.

[ Laughter ]

[ Vivaldi's "Winter" plays ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Joe, say to the mother
right there, her painting,

"Oh, person with deformity?"

Person deform--
deformed?

Huh?

The -- This person --

Oh, this person deformed?

No.
It's a dolphin, dolphin.

[ Laughter ]

Anyone have toothpick?

Anyone have toothpick?
Toothpick?

Huh?

I have piece of gabagool.

I have piece of gabagool
in my teeth.

[ Laughs ] No.

Use the wood side of a
paintbrush to get it out.

Toothpick? No. Ah!
Gabagool.

Teethpick.

[ Laughter ]

Gabagool. Gabagool.

[ Laughter ]

Toothpick, gabagool.

Gabagool gone.

Joey, go over to the fridge
and get your head stuck in it.

Joe: Stuck. Stuck.

Stuck.

[ Laughter ]

Gabagool.

Gabagool!

Q: She just gave the crazy
sign to the little girl.

Gabagool!

Here we go.
They're coming to help you.

Stuck!

Make it open so easily,
like she just opens it.

Ga-- Oh, yeah.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

Hi, everybody.
Ready to do this?

Aw. Excellent.
This is what I like to see.

Q, go up behind the kid
in the green shirt.

What's your name, buddy?
Matthew.

Lean in
and just go softly,

"You think you're
better than me?"

-Hey.
-Yeah.

What, do you think
you're better than me?

[ Laughter ]

Everybody thinks
they're better than me.

Now, Q, there's a blow dryer
plugged in on the table.

Go and blow your hair out.

People ask me
all the time,

"What's it like to
spend your days painting?"

I got to tell you.
I love it.

[ Blow dryer whirs ]

[ Laughter ]

Go talk in one direction

while the hair dryer's
pointing in another direction.

[ Laughs ]

Yeah, I just want you guys
to enjoy painting, you know?

Joe: It's blowing
right in her face!

Q: I like your use
of colors, honey.

-She's pissed.
-I like it.

It looks like
the honey bear.

-Oh, my gosh!
-You see her face?!

Oh.
It's on "cool," right?

It's like a nice breeze.

[ Laughter ]

To your right, there's a cup
filled with red paint.

Nice.

And then grab
a big paint brush.

And then I just want you
to pick any canvas you want,

and draw a huge "X"
from corner to corner.

[ Laughter ]

I mean, it's not doable.

I wouldn't do it.
I wouldn't do it.

Oof. I think I'm just gonna
draw a red "X" on my head.

You know what I'm saying?

Oh, that's interesting

because we just checked
the score board, buddy.

You lost this episode.

Murr: Ahh!

Here's your
punishment, bud.

Draw an "X" on every canvas
in the room.

Look at
all these canvases!

[ Laughter ]

Murr: Welcome to your
punishment, jerk!

Oh, my God.

This is basically the w--
impossible.

[ Laughter ]

Murr: Ahh!

Joe: Here's your
punishment, bud.

Draw an "X" on every canvas
in the room.

Look at all
these canvases!

[ Laughter ]

Welcome to your
punishment, jerk!

Oh, my God.

This is basically the w--
impossible.

-There's eight canvases.
-Yeah.

So what if someone pulls
the painting away?

He's crushing dreams.

Just answer me.

-What's gonna happen?
-I don't know!

These all sound
like Q's problems.

This is basically impossible.
You know what I'm saying?

Ooh.

Everybody's looking good.

Let's see each painting.

All right. We're gonna --

Oh, I like your cat.
Oh, I love your little cat.

Oh, this is tough.

What --

Murr: Here we go.

Sal: Oh, dear.

No!

Finished!

-Oh!
-Oh!

That's good.

Murr: No!

All right, bud, keep going.
[ Laughs ]

[ Groans ]

Sal: Oh, God.

Murr:
Look at their faces.

This does not feel right.

That's two.
Six more to go.

[ Groaning ]

What do we got here?

Joe:
Aww. How cute.

Oh, God.
Oh, my God.

Murr: Oh, no!

Oh, there you go.

[ Laughter ]

[ Groaning ]

Murr: No!

No!

Oh, that's a cute bear.
That's --

Oh, my God.

Oh, no!

-Not the pig! Not the pig!
-What are you doing?

Not the pig!

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Oh, my God.

Oh, boy.

Murr: Here's number five.

Joe: Now they know
it's coming.

Oh, my God.

Murr: Oh!

No!

[ Gasps ]

My life is horrible.

[ Laughter ]

Ugh!

I've gotta --

[ Laughter ]

We got to --

-Oh, my God.
-You get that "X" on!

-You have to do it.
-You get that "X" on.

It's a punishment.
You have to.

You get that "X" on!

[ Groans ]

Murr: Oh, no!

Oh.

Ohh!

I can't even watch this.

[ Laughter ]

Murr:
This is the last one, Q.

Oh, I got the fat sweats.
I got the fat sweats.

I got the fat sweats!

I got the fat sweats!

I don't like me right now.

Murr: That refusal
was a big mistake.

You only would have
had to do one, buddy.

Oh, I got to go puke.

[ Laughter ]

Hello, everybody.

Was that the weirdest art class
you've ever been to?

-Yeah.
-Yes?

It's 'cause you were
just on that TV show called
"Impractical Jokers."

[ Laughter ]

What?

[ Laughs ]

Q: God.
That was the worst thing

I've ever had to do
in my entire life.

I still hate you.

Oh, my God. I am so sorry.

Oh, man.

Ooh. So I guess anything can
happen on "Impractical Jokers"

'cause Q just had
a surprise punishment.

And I guess we're gonna
show you behind the scenes,

although we were
not prepared for this.

Oh.

Here's your
punishment, bud.

An "X" on every canvas
in the room.

Welcome to your
punishment, jerk!

Okay. I guess we're gonna do
an "Impractical Insider."

Murr: Here we go.

Sal: Oh, God.

Oh, no!

Q!

Oh, that's
uncomfortable.

So now I have to
go in here

and explain to these people
what's going on.

Oh!

-Q, you get that "X" on!
-Oh, my God.

You get that "X" on!

It's a punishment.
You have to.

Oh. Ohh!

-Oh, my God.
-Oh.

Q, you only would have
had to do one, buddy.

[ Laughter ]

It's enjoyable
to see you in this,

but right now
it's past the point.

Dude, that was the worst.
I feel like --

I literally feel like
I'm gonna throw up right now.

-Hello, everybody.
-Hi.

I know, and I'm gonna
explain to you why.

Because you were just
on that TV show called
"Impractical Jokers."

We are gonna offer you
a real class.

-Oh, my God!
-We got some things for you.

We got some
art kits for you.

How do you guys like
the surprise punishment?

-Did you like that?
-Yeah, you're welcome.

Isn't it fun
on this side?

Yeah, yeah,
it's fun on this side.
It's not?

No, it is, but I still
am mad about mine.

We'll do it again.
Don't worry about it.

I mean, we can make an audible
of this whole thing,

just make this
a punishment for Sal

and make the kids
keep [bleep] up the whole day.

Oh, my --
Oh, my God.

Stick 'em up!

Don't -- Wait, wait.

When we came here today?

-It was not a punishment.
-It was not a punishment.

Oh, God.
[ Laughter ]

Q: Oh, my God.

That was the worst thing

I've ever had to do
in my entire life.

Oh, please. I hate me.

Maddie.
Oh, my God. I am so sorry.

Thank you for
no one punching me.

Oh, here you go, buddy.

Did you guys have any
suspicions that it was weird?

I thought he was
just really artistic

and having some, like,
inner turmoils going on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But, yeah, no, I had no idea
what was going on.

What about you?
What did you think?

I thought he had
angerment issues.

[ Laughs ] Well, I mean,
that might be it, too.

Are you okay with it?
Are you guys friends?

Yes.

But you're a little mad
at him?

No.

Okay, good. That's good.

All right. Wow.
I'm gonna go throw up.

[ Laughs ]

Joe: Right there, from there.
Go under the table.

Just be like,
"I got to get this."

Murr: I got to get this.

Joe:
Just stay there for a second.

And now just crawl to the back
table to see what they're doing.

[ Laughs ] "Here I come!"

Here I come.
What are you drawing?

[ Laughter ]

Murr: Sal, check your watch.
You know what time it is?

Oh, you know what time it is?

Who wants to see
a puppy dog?

Who wants to see a puppy?
Anybody want to see a puppy?

Sal, run over to the door.
Open the door.

Here we go.

Puppy dog!

Puppy dog.

[ Laughter ]

Joe: You're not gonna say
anything about it.

You're not gonna address --
[ Laughter ]

I have a little surprise
for Joey.

Guys, I'm so sorry
I'm late.

Who vants to paint?!

I'm so sorry I'm late.
Who the hell's this guy?

[ Laughter ]

Hey, hey!