06x13 & 06x14 - Universal Appeal/Paradise Lost

[bunniefuu]

[ All screaming ]

[ Roars ]

[ All screaming ]

♪

All: Hey!

We're on vacation
at Universal Orlando Resort.

No, we're not.
We are working.

Yeah, we're here filming
an entire episode.

I'm going on rides.

You --
I'm going on rides.

Narrator: Coming up on
a special hour-long episode

of "Impractical Jokers."

[ Slow clap ]

What's got Murr taking cover?

[ Laughter ]

Why is Joe going on
the ride of his life?

Joe: By this time tomorrow,
I'll be dead.

[ Laughter ]

Narrator:
And which losing joker

will be sent to the funny farm
in tonight's punishment?

♪ Welcome to the barnyard ♪

[ Laughter ]

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ Laughter ]

Murr:
I want my mommy!

[ Laughter ]

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ Laughter ]

Today,
we're working the line

at Transformers: The Ride-D.

While managing
the flow of people,

we'll have to do and say

whatever the other guys
tell us.

If you refuse
to do or say anything,

you're gonna transform
into a loser.

Guys?
I can't see us!

-Guys? Oh, there you are.
-It's camouflage.

-I forgot to put clothes on.
-There you are.

It's theme park-ouflage.

Q: Murr, you know
what you look like?

In any movie
when the m*llitary gets involved,

there's a real jerk officer
in charge of the whole thing.

That's you.

I thought you were gonna say
"the one woman."

[ Laughter ]

Murr, you love amusement parks,
right, bud?

I love theme parks.

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Just look forward.

Just go,
"I love theme parks."

I love theme parks.

[ Laughter ]

I love theme parks.

I go to theme parks
whenever I can, honestly.

There's so many parks
in the world.

There's so many parks
in the world.

Sal: But not all of them
have themes.

But not all of them
are themed.

[ Laughter ]

Just talk factually.

Theme parks are
for lovers, friends,

families, children,
children's children.

Murray, Murr, "T".

T-H-E-M-E parks.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, you can go.
Oh, you guys can go.

I didn't know
you were still here.

Murr: I'm sorry, go.
Go, go.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, hold on.
One second, okay?

So Murray loves churros.

We all know this.

So we're gonna
send them out.

Okay, Murray,
you have a delivery.

Man:
Carry the churros?

Sure.

Now, Murr, lick all
the cinnamon and sugar

off those churros.

[ Laughter ]

I want them to be
just pieces of dough

when they're done.

Joe: [ Laughs ]

♪

[ Laughter ]

Just throw it on the floor
and go to the next one.

[ Laughter ]

Q:
Done with that one, Murr?

[ Laughter ]

It's such
a pure discarding of it.

♪

A seagull!

[ Laughter ]

Q: Discard,
then let them in.

[ Laughter ]

Come on through.
See you guys.

I'm gonna throw up.

[ Ding! ]
[ Laughter ]

So just come on through.
There you go.

There you go, guys.

I have never seen anybody

look more out of place
in a m*llitary outfit

than Joe Gatto.

Sal: You're a walking
draft dodger.

[ Laughter ]

Hi, guys,
how are you?

Oh, yeah,
you can go under.

Go under, yeah.
Break all the rules.

Murr: You want to make them
go around again?

I saw you.

I saw you go under,
so now you go around again.

Go ahead.
Now go around.

Like, the right way.

This way, now this way.

Like, the right way.
Go the right way.

Are they with you,
as well?

Because he cut the line,
everybody does a full lap.

'Cause of you two,
everybody full lap around.

Everybody do it.
Let's go.

Everybody.
I'll close the whole thing.

That's what I can do.
Watch this.

Now nobody goes on.
Now nobody has fun.

Do not blame me,
blame him.

Do not blame him,

blame this guy here
who did the duck under

and the friend.

Q:
Why is he still smiling?

Not sure why
you're still smiling.

This is all your fault.

Everybody's in there
having fun.

You should transform
that attitude

into somebody
who listens.

[ Laughter ]

You together? You --

-Sir, I'm sorry.
-That's okay.

Joe, be thoroughly confused
by the whole process.

[ Laughter ]

So if I move this,
you guys just go?

Uh...

So when I move this,
you just go.

[ Laughter ]

Joe, open-mouth sneeze
in the garbage can.

Q:
There's the wind-up.

[ Sneezes ]

[ Laughter ]

Okay, so let's come on through.
There you go.

Sorry,
hold on right there.

Murr: Joe, let it settle,
and then be like, uh,

"[Clears throat]

Little help?"

I mean,
if they want to get in

anytime in the next hour.

[ Clears throat ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Clearing throat ]
Long line.

You want to get in?
[ Clears throat ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Clears throat ]

Just say, "I hope you're
enjoying your day.

It's gonna be
a -minute wait."

Hey, guys,
hope you're enjoying your day.

It's about a -minute wait
at this point.

[ Laughter ]

Now sneak back
and put your hand out.

[ Clears throat ]

$ will get you on
in five.

$ will get you on in five.
[ Clears throat ]

[ Laughter ]

Stop acting like
you don't hear me.

I'm asking for a tip.

[ Clears throat ]
Murr: Oh! Oh!

[ Laughter ]

You're in, you're in.

Have a good time, boys,
have a good time.

[ Laughter ]

Q: Oh, my God.

About an hour wait
at this point,

About an hour wait.

[ Ding! ]
[ Laughter ]

Joe: Wow, look at Q,

he actually looks like he got
a m*llitary-grade haircut.

What you don't know is

there's bobby pins
holding it in the back.

Q: Right in, right in,
right in.

Okay,
mind if I hold you one sec

and then
we're gonna get you in.

Sergeant Quinn here,
reporting for booty.

[ Laughter ]

I'm Sergeant Quinn.

Nice to meet you.

Reporting for booty!

Yes, reporting for booty.

You know?

[ Laughter ]

-He gets it.
-Yeah!

Good to go, guys.
Thank you.

Joe: Q, when I tell you,

you're gonna throw your arm out
and say stop.

Ready?

And now.

Stop.

Okay, go.

Okay, go, go, go.

Got it, got it.

And...

Stop.
-Stop.

All right, good.
All right, you're good.

Get in there, guys.
Yeah, perfect.

Yeah, yeah,
enjoy the fun.

Stop!

Stop!

[ Laughter ]

-[ Laughs ]
-Thank you.

Just chill out here,
one second.

Joe:
So like I was saying,

I was picking seagull feathers
out of my fender.

So like I was saying,

I was picking
seagull feathers

out of my fender all morning,
you know?

I got a call
from the lawyer.

I got a call from the lawyer
and he's like,

"Yo, what's up with
these seagull feathers

that your neighbors
keep complaining about?"

Recognize him.
He's the wrong guy.

And I probably
shouldn't be

tearing down beaches
like that,

nor should I be putting
bread on my bumper,

but I --
[ Speaks indistinctly ]

Oh, sh-- You're not the guy
I thought you were.

Oh, my God!

[ Laughter ]

Okay, one, two.

Yeah, you two in,

and I'm gonna
cut you guys off.

Uh, sorry, Miss.
You can't ride this
if you're pregnant.

Murr:
Are you kidding?!
That's a thumbs down.

Joe: Don't you dare.
That's a thumbs down
for old B.Q.

Wow.

[ Buzzer ]
Thank you very much.

Enjoy the ride.

Joe: Okay, here we go, boys.
Sal's up.

One sec, guys, one sec.

Ask this child if he's sure
that this is his mommy.

Oh, oh, oops.

Are you sure...

Are you sure these adults
are with you?

You know the adults?

You sure?

[ Laughter ]

Murr: It seems like
he might have been intimidated

by the parents
right behind him.

Why don't you check
with the other kid?

Joe: Yeah, check in
with the other kid.

Do you know these adults?

Do you know them?

They're not holding you
against your will?

You feel safe?

[ Laughter ]

Joe: Make it fall
in front of the parents.

Go up to them and go,
"You know these kids?

They're not holding you
against your will?"

Thank you.

[ Laughter ]

Have a great time,
guys.

You know these kids,
right?
Yeah, I'm okay.

They're not holding you
against your will?

No, but if you want them,
you can take them.

[ Laughter ]

One sec, guys.

Murr:
Bud, are you feeling tired?

You want to fall asleep?

[ Laughter ]

-[ Laughs ]
-Asleep at his post.

Murr: Sal's got
the mouth open now.

[ Laughter ]

She's sh**ting him --
She's sh**ting him looks.

[ Laughs ]

[ ]

Q: Asleep at his post.

[ Laughter ]

♪

[ Laughs ]

Joe: Wake up.

[ Laughter ]

I swear to God,
if he slaps me one more time.

Joe:
I always slap you.

I mean, take a look at all
the times I've slapped him.

Oh!

[ Laughter ]

Oh, sh.
[ Laughter ]

Oh, sh--

[ Laughter ]

-Still falling for that.
-Season six.

'Cause it's so stupid.

Stop. One second.
One second.

You'll be in
in seconds.

It'll be about
seconds.

Great, now count
the seconds.

, , , , , , , , ,
, , , , , --

Murr:
Look at her, look at her!

.

Q: What did you say?
I'm sorry.

What was that?
What was that?

-Nothing.
-Oh, sorry.

Uh...

, , , , ,
, , , ,

, , , ,
, , --

Joe: Why don't we use Jay
to help us out a little bit.

One of our producers, Jay,
is working down there.

Jay, go up to Sal and say,

"Is it your turn
to go on break?"

Interrupt him.
, --

Just make sure
you make your break.

I'm due for break
in like .

Joe: . , , .

.

, , .

[ Laughter ]

Just -- I can't even.

You know what?
Just go in, you guys.

If anybody asks,
you waited seconds.
Okay.

[ Ding! ]
[ Laughter ]

Narrator: Q got caught
in the line of fire,

so he's first up
on the loser board.

♪

Here we go!

Today, we are
at Islands of Adventure

riding the amazing
Jurassic Park River Adventure.

While we're on the ride,

the other guys
will be telling us

bizarre things to say
to the other boat riders.

And if you refuse
to say anything, you lose.

Ta-da!

Q: Ah, Jurassic Park,
one of my favorite rides.

It's just a pleasure cruise
while dinosaurs come at you.

I love it.

Yeah, so you just got to say
everything we tell you, Murr.

Super easy.

All right, buddy.
Here we go.

This ride
was made for Murray.

It's Murrassic Park.

[ Laughter ]

And here we go.

So, Murr, the next line
I'm gonna give you,

I want you to say it to

the gentleman
in the white t-shirt

on the other side
of the woman.

Are you ready?
Here we go.

I'm only on this ride
to be close to you.

I, uh...

I'm only on this ride

t-to be close to you.

[ Laughter ]

Look at this dope.
[ Laughs ]

All right,
back to the guy.

Your wife is way hotter
than my wife.

Murr: Your, uh --

Y-your wife is --
or your girlfriend...

Yeah.
...is way hotter
than my girlfriend.

[ Laughter ]

Q: Just let him sit,
just let him sit.

Whoa, smells like baby boy
needs a diaper wipe.

Smells like baby boy back there
needs a diaper wipe.

[ Laughter ]

Wow, I'd let that dinosaur
spit in my mouth.

Wow!

I would let that dinosaur
spit right in my mouth.

[ Laughter ]

Murray,
all the hair on my body is fake.

All the hair on my body
is fake.

All of it.

Man: Right.

[ Laughter ]

[ All screaming ]

Q: Hey!

And I thought
I was wet before.

Murr: Oh, my God!

And I thought
I was wet before!

[ Ding! ]
[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ]

He looks like
he's animatronic.
I know.

You know,
this is my tourist look.

I'm looking like
a sweet tourist right now.

You look like a guy
that camps out on line

and comes here
every single day.

Man: All right, everybody.

The bar's gonna go
all the way down.

Joe:
All right, the bar is down.

The game begins.
Here we go, buddy.

One more ride,
and it's night-night forever.

One more ride,

and it's night-night forever
for me, you know?

[ Laughter ]

Murr: One down.

Here we go.

Now you want to clap
coming through the door.

You want to clap
coming through the door.

Look at him!

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my God.

Q, say, "Sure.

Dinosaur bites someone,
everyone cheers.

I do it and get slapped
with restraining orders."

Q: Look at that.

A dinosaur bites someone,
everybody cheers.

I bite one,
and the cops get involved.

[ Laughter ]

Murr: All right, Q,
to the girl to your right,

I want you to say,

"You shouldn't show
so much skin in public."

Q: I can't say that.

Joe:
Oh, and that does it!

No! No! Q!

And you sunk the boat!

[ Buzzer ]

Guys, so I just have to say
odd stuff in a close space?

You excel at
this kind of challenge.

Okay, do I have to even
do this ride,

or do you want to give me
the thumbs up now?

Q: You know what's funny,
dude?

I don't see you
like this often,

but to me right now,
you look like a dad.

[ Laughs ]

Rocking that dad body.

I had that for years
before Milana.

[ Laughs ]

Joe, "By this time tomorrow,
I'll be dead."

By this time tomorrow,
I'll be dead.

[ Laughter ]

Just let it sit there.

Q:
To the woman next to you, right?

Let her know,

"My wife thinks I'm out

taking her father
to the hospital."

[ Laughter ]

My --
my wife thinks I'm out

taking her father
to the hospital.

Oh.
Yeah. Yeah.

But I'm on the rides.

[ Laughter ]

Joe,
"What's happening to me."

What's happening to me?

One more time,
one more time.

What is happening to me?

Look at the guy.

The guy
just sh*t him a look.

He's already trying
to avoid you.

It's great.

[ Laughter ]

Sal:
His stupid face and eyes.

How many rides
do I have to ride

before you notice me?

Murr: Oh! Oh!
That's so weird.

Sal: How many rides
do I have to ride

before you notice me?

[ Laughter ]

Joe: How many rides
do I have to sit next to you

before you notice me?

How many rides
do I have to sit next to you?

We've ridden
three rides together.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh! Ho! Ho!
So weird.

Got to try to have
a little fun

before my wife
craps out another kid.

I got to try
to have some fun

before my wife
craps out another kid.

The whole boat's
uncomfortable.

Q:
When the crate drops,

scream out
"TruTV used to be Court TV."

Joe: Aah!
TruTV used to be Court TV!

[ Laughter ]

After the splash, shout,
"I pulled my fat."

Joe: Aah!

-Oh!
-Oh, yeah!

Joe: I pulled my fat!
I pulled my fat!

[ Laughter ]

We made it.

[ Ding! ]
[ Laughter ]

I have a little surprise today,
guys.
All right.

I'm not gonna go today.

What?
I have my friend

Matthew Lewis,
from the "Harry Potter" movies,

filling in for me today.
Yes!

I finally get a break!

Q: Ah, you learned.

You're bringing a ringer,
eh?

You're taking
his place?

You think
this is a good choice?

Look at how nice he is.

I don't think
it's a good choice.

No, don't say that.
I'm putting my faith in you.
We'll see.

All right, you got it.

It's all up here, okay?

I love you.

Q: There he goes.

I'm gonna make it
look easy.

[ Laughter ]

All aboard.
Here we go, buddy.

Murr:
We want you to clap really big

when the doors open.

[ Laughter ]

Turn to the girl and say,

"I wasn't always this hot.
Soak it in."

You know,
I wasn't always this hot.

You should soak it in.

[ Laughter ]

Look at her face!
Look at her face!

They hate you!
They absolutely hate you!

Matt, turn to the guy
to your left and say,

"Can I smell your hair?"

Can I smell your hair?

No, no.

That's a good call.

[ Laughter ]

In the U.K.,

this boat would be on
the other side of the river.

[ Laughter ]

Matthew:
You know, in the U.K.,

this boat would be on
the other side of the river.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Murr: So stupid.
We do it the right way,
you see.

[ Laughter ]

That's why the pound
is worth more than the dollar.

That's why the pound

is worth more than the dollar,
you know?

'Cause we do it that way.

[ Laughter ]

Man: You are entering
the raptor containment area.

Murr: Apologies,
I should have showered.

[ Laughter ]

To the whole boat,
to the whole boat.

And then after you say

"apologies,
I should have showered,"

I want you to shout-out
hashtag stank!

[ Laughter ]

Apologies, guys,
I should have showered.

Hashtag stank!

Yes!

-Matthew Lewis for the win.
-Wow.

Joe: Sal, you made
a great choice, buddy.
Murr: Well done.

Narrator: Q couldn't keep
his head above water,

so he's back
on the loser board.

Today we're working
the info booth

here at
Universal Orlando Resort.

While helping parkgoers,

we're gonna
have to do and say

whatever the other guys
tell us to.

If you refuse anything,
you lose.

And that's how you get
into the park for free.

Wait, I paid.

Yep.

Q:
Look at those nipples.

Murr: I know.

But it's degrees
out here.

At this point in your life,

isn't there a surgery
you could have?

A nipple reduction
surgery?

[ Laughter ]

Anybody need directions?

You see Chase
in the background.

He's one of our producers.

That's a really
good-looking guy.

Notice how his nipples

are not poking
through his shirt.

Well, I don't know
what to tell you.

Full head of hair,
great beard, no nipples.

Anybody need information?

[ Laughter ]

Directions?

Murray.
Yes.

When somebody
asks you for directions,

I don't want you
to say a word.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Just don't say anything,
Murr.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

No?

[ Joe laughs ]

Mmm-hmm, mm-hmm.

[ Laughter ]

Thank you.

[ Laughter ]

What are you
looking for?

Oh, your sight's
not too good, buddy.

You got to borrow his glasses
real quick.

So right now,
what we'll do is --

We're right here in H.
Okay.

[ Laughter ]

Now what you can do is,
you can go up here....

Your head's cold.
you got to borrow his hat.

The world of Harry Potter.

'Cause Hogsmeade is over here.
It's great.

I entered
from Hogsmeade.

Oh you did?
So there you go.

Thanks so much for the help.
I appreciate it.

Okay, but --

[ Laughter ]

Q: Here you go.
Here you go.

You need directions?

Come here.

Joe: All right, Murr.

I want you to slowly
lower the umbrella.

So, what --
I did Betty Boop,

and the two in the --
You already did those two?

Yeah.
Okay.

Go down right over here.

You'll see that
what we've got

is right below.

Right there,
you make a left here,

right by the...

Q:
This guy is awesome.

...right by there,
okay?

You make a left.

So over here to the right...

He's giggling like a kid.

Now, do you need to know
where the restrooms are?

Do you need to know
anything else?

Man: [ Laughing ] No, I'm okay.
Thank you very much.
That's it?

Okay, you got it man.
Thanks so much.

Now the problem is we're caught
inside this umbrella.

Murr:
Now here's the problem.

You and I, my friend,
are caught inside this umbrella.

Yes, we are.

Joe: So, Murr,
start rolling it

and say
"I have to go with you."

So I have to come with you.

Come with me.
Okay.

[ Laughter ]

Just come with me.
Stay in close.

This might take
a little longer,

but let me tell you, man,

this is the best way
to travel around the park.

Q: I love this guy!

Murr: You and me are in this
adventure together, my friend.

Man:
That's absolutely fine by me.

Yeah, okay, now, we're
gonna make a left here.

A left?
A left, there we go.

Are you a Taurus,
a Capricorn, what are you?

A Pisces, actually.
Pisces, all right.

[ Ding! ]
[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Joe...

[ Creepily ] "Information?"

[ Creepily ] Information?

I've got some.

[ Laughter ]

Do you need information?

[ Laughter ]

[ Normal voice ]
You just came from that way.

Information?

Oh.

[ Laughter ]

Hi, how are you?
Good, how's everything?

I don't think
she's talking to you, bud.

Oh, me?

Yeah.
Oh, no, no.

Is this the maps?

I'm sorry? Me?

Yeah.
Oh, no, I'm sorry.

Yeah, so this here.
You got the map.

Okay.
Yeah.

Thank you very much.

I'm sorry?

Thank you very much

for the map.
Oh.

Oh, me?
Oh, okay. Yeah, no.

I thought --
yeah, you look --

You weren't looking at me.

I was looking at you.
Oh, got it.

Woman: Have a good day.
Who?

[ Laughter ]

Who? Who?

-Me?
-Yes!

You have to look at me
when you're talking to --

I thought you were talking
to somebody behind me.

No, no, no.
No.

[ Laughter ]

-See you later.
-Who, me?

Yes sir.

Who are you talking to?!

[ Laughter ]

How do you
get out of here?
Oh, me?

Yeah.
You're looking to leave?

Joe, get the kid
to take every pamphlet.

Yeah, you're gonna --

Here, you take that one.
Thank you.

Yeah, there you go.

So this is...

Q: Look at him.
There he goes.

Murr: There he goes.
The kid's got two.

He's just
slipping them to her.

Joe: This is --

This is the info guide.

[ Laughter ]

Okay.
You're looking for the exit.

Oh, no, here you go.
Here you go.

[ Laughter ]

You can't finish your
turn until everything
is off that table.

There. And then --

Just put those in there.

now you have
all the information I had.

[ Laughter ]

You'll probably need these
for school.

So we can just slip them
right in the front there.

Great.
What's your name?
Kylie.

Kylie,
good to see you.

And, uh...

[ Laughter ]
There you go.

In case it rains, okay.

The exit's
straight that way.

[ Laughter ]
There you go.

[ Ding! ]
[ Laughter ]

Q: Sal, look at you.

You're at work.

Everybody's around you
having fun.

Joe: That can't feel good.
That can't.

So whoever comes up
and asks you a question,

I want you to be bitter
that you're working

and they're
enjoying the day.

It's got to be clear
to everybody, Sal.
Yes.

You don't want to be
at work today.

Anybody have any questions,
anyone need directions?

Do you need directions?

What kind of rides
are here?
Oh, my goodness.

There's so many rides
for you and your family

to go on
on this lovely day,

while I sit here
and work all day.

[ Chuckles ]

Q: [ Laughs ]
That's it buddy.

So you must be having a great
family memory right now, right?

-Yeah.
-That's awesome.

My family's home.

Yeah,
I don't get to see them.

I work hours a week.

Do you?
I'm just here
all day every day,

I see the same people,
the same rides

over and over and over.

I get paid every other week
and everything.

I got flat feet.

If you look at my feet here,
see that?

They're k*lling me.

You need some inserts.

I know.
I do have to get inserts.

I'm saving up for them.

Yeah,
they are expensive.

I also have a $ gift card
in my pocket

if you answer my question.

I actually have $ gift cards
if you answer one question.

"While you're having fun
in the park all day..."

Sal: While you're having fun
in the park all day...

Q: "...who's
standing around working,

not having fun?"

...who's standing around working
and not having fun at all,

while his feet hurt?

You.

That's right.
It is me.

[ Laughter ]

Take the $.
All right, guys.

Yeah, well,
I'll be rock climbing

out of
a pit of depression.

[ Laughter ]

If we want to go to Shrek,
it's in the other park?

[ Sassy ] I don't know.

[ Laughter ]

Shrek?
Yes.

You want to know
where Shrek is?
Yes.

Uh...

[ Sassy ] I don't know.

[ Laughter ]

[ Normal voice ] Yeah, but I got
the map for you here.

[ Laughter ]

If I went to this park,

is it possible to change
to the other one?

[ Sassy ] I don't know.

[ Laughter ]

Joe: Oh, is this
your little guy?

This your little guy
here?
Yes.

You want a lollipop?

You want a lollipop?

Yeah.

Yeah, he doesn't have
any lollipops.

All right,
so Shrek is gonna be --

[ Laughter ]

[ Sassy ] I don't know.

[ Normal voice ]
No, no, you can.

You can go the same day,
same pass.

[ Ding! ]
[ Laughter ]

All right, all right.

Joe: Here we are,
working the information booth.

Oh, you need a map?

Oh, you need directions?
Yeah.

Sure, is there a husband
or a boyfriend

I can explain this to?

Oh, you need directions?
Yeah.

Sure, is there a husband
or a boyfriend

I can explain this to?

Oh, yeah -- is the--

Oh, God up in heaven.

Yes, hi!

[ Laughter ]

Is there a --

Where are we?

Goodbye Q.

Okay, is there a, uh, uh --

Is there a husband
or a boyfriend

I can explain this to?

Oh, great, perfect.

Okay, great.

He's playing to win.

Right around that way.

You can almost see it already
through the trees.

Yeah, just follow him,
just follow him.

I explained it to him.

I can't believe
you said it.

I'm starting to get
a bad feeling

about this episode.

Joe: Well, the road
hasn't been very good to you.

Q: Whoa! Whoa!
What the hell are you doing?

What are you doing?!

[ Laughter ]

What are you doing, don't --

Are you [bleep] kidding me?

[ Grunts ]

Oh, my God!

Murr: Oh, Geez! Oh! Ho!
Get out of there!

Oh [bleep] guys!

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Oh, my --

What the [bleep]

Yeah, I know I got to win.

Murr: Q, you work at
an information booth,

but secretly,
you're Tony Gunk,

head of security
for Universal Studios.

Next time somebody
asks for help, frisk them.

Hey, you need help
with anything?

You need help
finding anything?

No, thank you.
No, you got everything?

All right, cool.

[ Laughter ]

Cool.

What's your favorite ride?

What rides have you been on
so far?

What's up?

No, no, it's just
a little extra park security.

Don't worry about it.

What rides have you been on
so far?

Uh...
Are you enjoying it?

Are you enjoying
your experience?

Dude?
Okay.

Oh, that's easy.

I'm gonna give you a map
and I'll show you the way.

"Dad, let me guess..."

Dad?
Yep.

Let me guess...

"...second family?"

...you got these kids
into reading comic books,

when you had to read
to them?

Got you!

You got me,
you definitely got me.

[ Buzzer ]

Narrator:
Q headed in the wrong direction,

so he's doing triple time
on the loser board.

Today we are at
Islands of Adventure

playing
one of our favorite games --

have you seen my wife?

While searching the park,

the other guys will give us
a ridiculous description

of our so-called wives.

If you can't get someone to say

they've seen
that wife of yours,

you lose.

All right, guys,
let's do it.

Have you seen three guys?

Q: In this sunlight,

you look like the guy
from "Powder."

Yes, he does.
He does, right?

Sal: "Powder?
Like "Powder."
You look like "Powder."

[ Laughter ]

Guys, which way did you
come from in the park?

Uh, that way.

You came from that way?
Yeah.

I went to get coffee
for my wife,

and she's gone,
and I can't find her.

Did you see a woman...

She won't stop
eating bananas

and making
eye contact.

...my wife won't stop
eating bananas

and she makes eye contact
too much.

Did you see anybody
like that?

She's rolling with a posse
of young Hasidic girls.

She's rolling with a posse
of young Hasidic girls.

Did you see like a whole gaggle
of Hasidic girls?

No, we did not.
With a woman,
an older woman?

Body like
a calabaza squash.

Her body --

she has the body
of a calabaza squash.

She's very recognizable.

Her maiden name is Scrum.

Her maiden name is Scrum.

[ Laughter ]

If you see her around,
tell her Mr. Scrum wants her.

Okay, we will do that.
Okay, thanks.

No, her maiden name
is Scrum.

Scrum
is her maiden name!

Oh, wait,
it's her maiden name.

When we married,
I took her maiden name.

Fair enough, we--
I'm a modern man.

Doris Scrum?

Has anyone seen
Doris Scrum.

[ Laughter ]

Sir, did you just come
from that way?

I did.
I lost my wife.

Did you see
a woman down there?

She was, um...

Her pants don't work.
...her pants don't work.

Did you see somebody
down there like that?
Unh-unh.

You didn't see anyone.

It looks like
she's doing the hula hoop,

but that's how she walks.

It looks like
she's doing the hula hoop,

she kind of --
I didn't see her.

But that's how she walks.
She kind of --

She's got that --
I didn't see her.

She's cracking
her knuckles

in a way that calls for
a divorce attorney.

She's cracking her knuckles

in a way that's calling
for a divorce attorney.

You didn't see anybody
down there like that?

No, I did not.
Darn it!

What am I supposed to do?
I don't know.

I lost my wife.
Maybe that guy down there
saw her.

Wait, that's her.

Wait, that's her!

Doris! Doris Scrum.

Hi, how are you?
It's great to see you.

just give me a hug here.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]
[ Laughter ]

-I'm looking for my wife.
-Sorry?

I lost my wife?

No, no, I can't find her.
Oh!

He goes, "she d*ed?"

[ Laughter ]

She went that way.
You guys came from this way.

Did you see a woman...

She's got
diabetes through .

Did you guys see her
at all?

She has
diabetes through ?

Oh, no.

Picture if Regis Philbin
was a younger woman.

She looks like if Regis Philbin
was a younger woman.

[ Laughter ]

Her tongue doesn't fit
all the way in her mouth.

Her tongue doesn't fit
all the way in her mouth.

She went this way.
You came from that way.

If you feed her after midnight,
she enters a cocoon.

If you feed her
after midnight,

she enters
into a cocoon state.

If you get water
on her...

Q:
If you get water on her...

...she creates offspring.

...if you get water on her,
she creates offspring.

And if you put her
in direct sunlight,

she dies.

If you put her
in direct sunlight, she dies.

This is all serious stuff.

Oh, [Bleep] I'm sorry.

I can probably go pick up
another one in Chinatown

in the back of a shop.

[ Laughter ]

No, no,
but in all seriousness...

You remember Macy Gray?

...you remember
Macy Gray?

You remember
the singer Macy Gray?

She's Macy Gray.

She's Macy Gray.

[ Laughter ]

No, we haven't seen her.
Haven't seen her, sorry.

-Really?
-No.

Joe: I'll tell you what.

If Macy Gray's
walking around Universal,

she's gonna be found.

Excuse me.

Murr: Okay, Sal, this time,
you're looking for your grandma.

I'm looking for my --
my, uh, grandmother.

Did you see a woman...

She's got fun bags
down to her knees.

...she's got fun bags
down to her knees?

How old is your grandma?
She's in her late s.

Late s.

She's riding a Rascal,
flipping off everybody.

She's on a Rascal.

She was flipping everybody off.

She's gone through
three menopauses.

She -- oh, hey, kids.

Excuse me.
I'm looking for my grandmother.

She's gone through
three menopauses.

She -- oh, hey, kids.

[ Laughter ]

She's gone through
three menopauses.

The first two menopauses
didn't take.

Joe: [ Laughs ]

You can tell
she was an ugly baby.

You can tell
she was an ugly baby.

Limps for attention.

She limps for attention.

You got to look out for her.

I'm not doing her justice.

She looks like
a bunch of flounder

got slammed in a car door.

She looks like
a bunch of flounder

got slammed
into a car door.

No, no,
that's how she looks!

[ Laughter ]

Let's -- let's just recap
what we have her.

Her fun bags
are down to her toes,

she's gone through
three menopauses,

she's on a Rascal
flipping everybody off,

and she looks like
a bunch of flounder

got slammed into a car door.

You can't help me out?

I can't describe this woman
any further!

[ Laughter ]

You didn't see
anyone like at?
No, sir.

All right,
pleasure to meet you, sir.

[ Buzzer ]

Is there water rides
that way, too?
I don't think so.

I think it's here to there,
right, cause I told my --

I lost my wife.

Did you see a woman...

She's always carrying
a sack of talc.

...she was carrying
a sack of talc.

Q:
She looks like The Rock

if he only ate
fettuccine alfredo.

She looks like The Rock

if he only ate
fettuccine alfredo.
Okay.

If he was on a strict
fettuccine alfredo diet,

The Rock -- that's it.

She's what the French
would call misérable.

She's what the French
would call, uh,

misérable.

She looks like
what the Italians would call

a broccoli rabe.

You couldn't miss her.

She's what the Italians
would call a broccoli rabe,

what the French
would call misérable,

or The Rock eating
fettuccine alfredo.

Okay.

Well, I'm just trying
to give you as many
details as I can.

She's got one blue eye...
She's got one blue eye...

...and one wooden eye.
...and one wooden eye.

None of this
is ringing a bell.

You haven't seen her?
I never saw her.

Big trash bags
under her all-white eyes.

Big trash bags
under her all-white eyes --

one wooden, one blue.

Carrying a sack of talc.

All serious, all serious.

All seriousness...
She's wearing sunglasses...

...she's wearing
sunglasses...
...a hat...

...a hat...
...and she's made
of metal.

...and she's made
of metal.

[ Laughter ]

You didn't see her?
That's why.

She's got to do
a better job.

Joe: Guys.

We're gonna switch up
who you're looking for.

Do you know if
the Jurassic Ride is that way?

Yeah, you go up here
and turn right.

I'm looking for
my twin brother.

Murr: His twin brother?
Twin?

Oh, okay. Like, yeah,
I'm looking for my twin brother.

You would have seen his nose

a couple of minutes
before his body.

You walk past King Kong

and just keep
right on going.
Yeah?

You would have seen his nose

a couple of minutes
before his body, you know?

No, guys, I got it.
I got it.

He eats donuts
by the dozen.

He look like
an Italian Weeble Wobble.

He looks like he's always
in a state of melting.

He looks like a troll doll
in hospice.

Sounds like quite a guy.
He's quite a fellow.

I'd like to party with him.

He looks like the butter
after it's on the popcorn.

Yeah,
he looks like Steve Carell

at the end of the line,
you know what I mean?

Just before it goes out.

Definitely wont live to see

his daughter's graduation...

from kindergarten.

[ Laughter ]

He's my twin brother.

Yeah, I can imagine
the resemblance.

H-He's this.

I'm gonna keep moving here.
Keep moving.

Yeah, it was nice.
Good luck there.

Yeah, he was born most likely
to lose all his money.

[ Buzzer ]

All right, you guys are wet.
You went on a water ride.

I'm looking for my wife.

I wonder if you saw her?

She looks like
a tin of old ham.

She looks like
a tin of old ham,

like her face.

Did you see her?

Heavy ears.
Heavy, really heavy ears.

A mild sheen.

She's got like
a mild sheen on her, you know?

Like, looks like an oil slick
at all times?

Man: Yes, yes, yes.

You know what
a Christmas tree looks like?

Q: You know what
a Christmas tree looks like?

Take all the balls off...
Take all the balls off...

...all the tinsel off...
...all the tinsel off...

...the star off the top...
...the star off the top...

...peel all
he branches off...

...peel all
the branches off...

...that's her.

...and that's her.
That's my wife.

-Sorry.
-Sorry, man.

[ Laughter ]

Excuse me, ladies,
I lost my wife.

I'm wondering
if you spotted her anywhere?

Oh, I'm glad you asked.

She's um...

Joe: She's got a mouth

that oozes
what looks like chocolate.

She's got like a --

She's got a mouth --

No, no mustache,
thank God.

No, no, no,
she's got a mouth that --

it oozes what looks like
chocolate.

She's generally --
It's not chocolate, but --

She's not sick.
It's more of a condition.

She's walking around
spouting out knock-knock jokes

that end with
the same punch line.

She's been spouting out
knock-knock jokes

that have the same punch line --
every one.

deez nuts --
every knock-knock joke.

Every knock-knock joke.
-No.

That's her, oozes chocolate
a little bit?

-No.
-No.

She ate an iguana
on the Internet.

Are you on
the Internet at all?

She's famous,
she ate an iguana,

a whole iguana
on the Internet.

Oh, you know her?
Did you see her?

Oh, yes! Yes! Yes!

Yeah!
Did you see her around here?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, which way was she?

That way.

That way? Oh!

Thank you so much!

Well done!

Knock knock!
Who's there?

Deez.
Deez who?

Deez nuts!

[ Ding! ]
[ Laughter ]

Narrator:
Q may have found his wife,

but he's still
tonight's big loser.

Well, time's up
here in Florida, friend.

Q, you have lost
this episode,

so we are here at
the Toon Lagoon Amphitheater

where you
are going to be part of

our very own
stunt show.

Stunt show.

You're gonna be
the spider hero.

Okay, got it,
the spider hero.

So this is the spider hero?

[ Laughter ]

This doesn't feel like
a superhero costume.

Put your hands
in the air.

[ Laughter ]

Joe: , parkgoers

decided to come see
this stunt spectacular.

They're expecting
a spectacular.

I used to be a fireman.

Like, I used to be useful.

Spiders are useful.

They k*ll mosquitoes.
That's right.

Yeah,
but I'm not even a spider.

I'm just a douche
dressed like a spider.

Grab the spider by the legs.
Let's do this.

And once the music starts,
go.

♪

[ Laughs ] Yeah!

Put the arms up, bud!

♪

Oh, my God.
there's so many people.

Sal: Q, you have to act out
all the spider lines.

Man: Hi, everyone!

I'm a spider,
and I know karate!

Spider kick!

Hyah!

Spider punch!

Pyah!

Spider uppercut!

Pyah!

♪

Joe:
Try to do the dance.

Do the dance, Q!

♪ We all love the barnyard ♪

♪ Come down to the barnyard ♪

♪ Barnyard, yeah ♪

[ Laughter ]

What --
I feel like I've taken acid.

Man:
Oh, no, barnyard friends!

That mischievous Cow
is back...

Oh, the Cow!
...and she's trying
to destr-oink my pig pen.

Have no fear!
Spider is here!

I may be small,
but I'm a "handy" guy.

Cow, time for you to take
the "milky way" out of here.

One thing
we forgot to mention.

Inside the cow costume
is a jujitsu master.

Laughter ]

Aw, don't --

Man: Cow, time for you to take
the "milky way" out of here.

One thing
we forgot to mention,

inside the cow costume
is a jujitsu master.

[ Laughter ]

Aw, don't --

Spider charge!

Go get him! Charge him!
Get him, spider hero!

[ Dramatic music plays ]

[Bleep]

Spider punch!
Pyah!

[ Groans ]

Spider kick!
Pyah!

If you listen to
the prerecorded play,

he was supposed to be
b*ating up the cow.

Ow, stop!
Spider jab!

[ Grunts ]

[ Laughter ]

You haven't seen
the last of me, spider.

Q: Oh, God, please --

Go. You got to dance!

♪ Welcome to the barnyard ♪

We all love the barnyard,

♪ Come down to the barnyard ♪
Why am I getting
flipped around?

♪ Barnyard, yeah ♪

Wait, am I the hero?
[ Laughter ]

I'm too chicken to "moove"
that cow from my coop.

Oh, no.
The chicken's got a problem.

Oh, no,
I'm not doing this again.

Spider,
can you lend a hand?

Look out, cow!

Spider charge!
Oh God, please.

Go get him,
spider hero!

Spider uppercut!

Spider head butt!

Q: Oh, God!

Spider jab!
Ow, stop!

What is wrong
with you?

Spider grab!

[ Laughter ]

Q: Ow, no!

Spider stomp!

[ Grunts ]

Pyah! Pyuh!

Murr: So, the whole point
of this show

was just to kick the [bleep]
out of Q.

Take that and that!

[ Grunts, groans ]

[ Laughter ]

I'm gonna "moove" out of here.

Murr: Good job, spider hero.
Joe: Good job, buddy.

Celebratory dance,
look at him.
Saved the day.

♪ Welcome to the barnyard ♪

♪ We all love the barnyard ♪

♪ Come down to the barnyard ♪

♪ Barnyard, yeah ♪

Now it's time for you to do
that awesome thing you do.

Do the Spider Rap!

-It's the Spider Rap!
-Yeah!

[ Cheers and applause ]

The Spider Rap.

[ Sighs ]

Here comes
the Spider Rap.

[ Hip-hop music plays ]

All right, yeah.

[ Rapping ] ♪ Put your
eight hands in the air ♪

♪ And wave them
like you just don't care ♪

♪ Yeah, that's it ♪

♪ It's the Spider rap ♪

♪ Yeah, that's right ♪

♪ And if that cow comes back ♪

♪ I'm gonna milk her, yo,
and-- ♪

[ Laughs ]
Oh, no, not good!

♪ 'Cause I'm a Spider
and I spin a web ♪

♪ And if you mess with me ♪

♪ I'll knock you
upside your head ♪

Yeah!

Oh,
he's winning them over!

This b*at --
this b*at doesn't end?

All right, here we go.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Put your arms in the air,
wave them ♪

♪ And now here's a girl
who looks pretty fine ♪

♪ and if I get the chance,
I'm gonna make her mine ♪

[ All cheer ]
♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Put her in my web,
y'all ♪

Oh, I hope the cow
don't come back.

♪ Now here's the chicken ♪

♪ He looks pretty afraid,
'cause -- ♪

Oh, no.

[ Laughter ]

No!
-Now, run!

♪ Welcome to the barnyard ♪

♪ We all love the barnyard ♪
Q: No!

♪ Welcome to barnyard ♪

♪ Barnyard, bye ♪

Q: No! [ Groans ]