06x17 - The Q-Pay

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up --
why is Q playing matchmaker?

What, you take home
three different girls last night

'cause of me?

What's got Sal making headlines?

My friend
just texted me,

"I just saw your balls
on the news."

And why is Q taking it all off
in tonight's punishment?

[ Laughter ]

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ Laughter ]

Murr:
I want my mommy!

[ Laughter ]

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ Laughter ]

Today,
we're sitting

in a waiting room
at Focus Pointe Global

showing our text messages
to strangers.

Except that the embarrassing
texts that we're getting

have been sent to us
by the other guys.

The goal is to get the stranger
to help you write a reply,

and if they don't,
you lose.

Oh, sorry,
I was texting.

What are we doing?
Of course he was.

Joe: What's with
that sweater?

What's wrong with it?

I got this with you guys,
on tour.

He fell for it.
You shouldn't
listen to us.

Turn the collar up
for a second.

Yeah.

You look like
you're being born.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, here we go.

Fire up them
texting fingers, buddy.
All right.

Which focus group
are you here for?

Um...

Oh, okay. Okay.

New text coming in.
Me, uh, the --

[ Cellphone dings ]
Oh, excuse me
one second.

I'm sorry.

Read it out loud.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, man.

This is my buddy.

His mother has
a very large nose.

It almost looks like
a deviated septum, you know?

And she
kind of talks...

I think he's taking it
the wrong way, though.

I got to write a --
oh, geez.

[ Laughter ]

Right?
Thank you.

[ Laughs ]
"You're a terrific guy."

Oh, here we go.
[ Chuckles ]

I did a hashtag.

I didn't say her name
or my buddy's name,

but I did #honkers.

[ Laughter ]

I said,
"Dude, I'm so sorry.

You weren't
meant to see that.

But my offer
is real."

Here you go.

[ Cellphone dings ]

Oh!
Ah, geez.

Sal:
[ Laughs ] "Ah, geez."

Do it, do it.

He's going for it.

[ Laughter ]

I'll write,
"Oh, yeah?"

Oh, my God,
this guy's perfect.
Oh!

Dude, give me a "yo mama" joke
to write back.

I got to
defend myself, here.

Not only does he have
the guy's help,

but the guy is
literally helping him

insult someone's mother.

Your mama's so fat...

"Your mama's so fat..."

...she looks like she ate
a live human being.

♪

I hope
that was his side job.

[ Laughter ]

Wait, wait, wait!

[ Cellphone dings ]

He b*at me to it.
Are you kidding me?

He just wrote...

[ Laughter ]

How is that...
[ Laughter ]

This is some "Carbonaro" [bleep]
going on here.

[ Laughter ]

I'm writing him back.

"I win
in the long run, jerks."

Send.
[ Ding! ]

I've written
the first text.

[ Cellphone whistles ]

Oh. Oh, boy,
what do we got here?

That's a text
you don't want to get.

What?

[ Laughter ]

sh**t.

Oh!

Nothing outrageous,
you know,

just a little
light revenge.

[ Light laughter ]

[ Cellphone whistles ]

Oh,
is this another one?

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, I kind of
lost the dog in the breakup.

So, what I did is,
had my friend start dating her,

and I have
a look-alike dog.

So, the plan is to,
like...swap the dogs.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cellphone whistles ]

Joe:
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

The saga continues.

What am I supposed to do?
He switched them.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

Sal:
He's loving it.

He's, like, loving the situation
he finds himself in.

What do you do
in this situation?

I love this guy!
I love him!

Q, good job, man.
Good job.

You're really saving
my bacon, here, pal.

Murr: Hold up.
One more text, one more text.

Put -- put -- ah --
ah, give me a phone.

Somebody give me a phone.
Somebody give me another phone.

Start barking.
Start barking.

I'll start barking.
I'll start barking.
Ready?

You go, "Get off me,
get off me."

I'm the cop, you're the guy,
you're the dog.

[ Siren wails ]
Brian, It's me.
I'm running with the dog.

[ Barking ]
Put your hands
where I can see them!

Man,
I loved that dog.
[ Cellphone whistles ]

Oh. Oh, boy,
what do we got here?

[ Siren wails ]
Murr: Brian, it's me.

I'm running with the dog.
I'm running!

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ]

Put your hands
where I can see them!

I'm innocent!
I'm innocent!

Put your hands where
I can see them, now!

[ Screaming ]

[Bleep]

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, but you said,
"Take the dog and run."

But when I said
"Take the dog and run,"

I didn't
literally mean "run."

Well,
that's what I told him!

I know how to
get out of this.

"New phone...
who dis?"

[ Laughter ]

That'll get us
out of this.

Murr:
Well-done, Q.

Are you doing
the dental focus group?

I got it. I got it.
I got -- here we go.

I did it a couple times.
It's cool. It's easy.

It's like minutes.

[ Cellphone chimes ]
Oh, got a text here.

It says...

[ Laughter ]
[ Cellphone chimes ]

Sal: Oh!
Murr: Uh!

[ Laughter ]

Oh, yeah, I can see
the confusion.

I mean, Christmas is
something universal.

Everybody celebrates
in some fashion, you know?

Yeah. I mean, it's out there
in the commercial world and...

Here we go.
Here we go.

[ Cellphone chimes ]
Oh.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah...

That's well-played,
there.

[ Laughter ]

You went
for the k*ll.

♪

[ Sighs ]
It still says it.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughs ]

Oh, my God, I've never
seen Joe this way!

Staring at it's not
gonna change it, Joe.

[ Laughter ]

♪

[ Cellphone chimes ]
Oh.

[ Laughter ]

[ Sighs ]
It still says it.

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Staring at it's not
gonna change it, Joe.

[ Laughs ]

Are they ready
for me?

[ Laughter ]

He's out.
He's out.

What, you guys don't think
I'm gonna say it?

Oh!
Oh, no.

I would suggest
you not say it.

Don't you dare.

"Also, super odd
that you would do

a black Santa
when you're white."

Oh.

[ Laughter ]

All that worrying
for nothing.

What should I write back
to that one?

[ Laughter ]

Wow.
Thank you for that.

I appreciate that.
That's well-said.

[ Ding! ]

Sal,
the texts begin now.

♪

[ Chuckles ]

[ Light laughter ]

Oh, man.

My friend
just texted me,

"I just saw your balls
on the news."

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

Ugh. 'Cause I know
what he's talking about.

A bunch of bullies
from the neighborhood tied me

to the goalpost
over at the school, there,

and they pulled
my pants down.

So, they videotaped it,
and they put it on YouTube.

Yeah.

I guess it went viral,
and now, he did probably saw --

Oh, here we go.
New text!

[ Laughter ]

I live
by the school,

and the eighth graders
do this thing, you know,

a spring-break
ritual tradition

where they haze people.

And I work on that block,
so I pass the schoolyard.

All of a sudden,
before you know it,

I'm on the goalpost
of the soccer field.

And then, they did
the Snapchat and everything.

And then, they put a cat face
on my balls and all that stuff.

They thought
it was funny, like,

they put all the filters
on my balls and stuff.

New text coming in.
[ Laughter ]

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Okay.
Oh, what is this now?

A video.
Look at this.

Joe:
"Dude, saw your balls on TV!

You're famous, bro!

Balls! Balls! Balls!

[ Laughter ]

Yeah.

I can't
get it to stop.

[ Laughter ]

This thing won't stop.
It's on loop.

[ Laughter ]
[Bleep]

That's the big issue
is that

she is the one
that's not enforcing anything.

She's not even recognizing
the fact that his phone

is just yelling,
"Balls!"

You know
what I'm saying?

What's the word?

Balls! Balls! Balls!

"Balls"?

[ Laughter ]
No.

Taveres.
Taveres Jackson?

Are you guys --
Oh, wait.

[ Laughter ]

Don't even say it.
Are you kidding me?

You're the balls guy!

Oh, my God.
Aw, man.

Dude!

[ Laughter ]

Balls!
Guys, "Balls" is here!

Laugh at it. "Balls," like...
Just laugh at it.

[ Laughter ]

Just laugh at it.
Just laugh at it.

I just want
to save face.

What would be a good thing
to tell them back

where it just puts this
to bed for now?

[ Laughter ]

Joe: And after all that, she
didn't even help you write back.

[ Laughter ]

Narrator:
Sal's not LOLing

because he's first up
on the loser board.

Tonight, we're competing
head-to-head

at a single's mixer hosted
by the dating app Bumble.

One of us will be trying
to get a girl's number

while the other guy
plays his wingman.

Catch is,
the wingman will be doing

everything he can to sabotage
the other guy's chances.

If you get a phone number,
you win.

If you don't get a number,
the wingman wins.

We're back
in the game, boys.

Don't tell my wife.

Murr's trying
to get a number.

Yeah, and Q's got to
sabotage him.

Anything you dish out,
I can explain away.

Oh, you think
you got that, huh?
Guaranteed.

Okay, watch this.
Excuse me, excuse me.

My friend's been
staring at you for minutes.

He won't stop. It's weird,
and I apologize for that.

I have. I have.
You are so beautiful,

and I can't --
I was too shy.

And we're in.
He's my wingman tonight,
so...

Oh, I'm the wingman,
yeah.

Yeah, like, just last night
alone, what did you take home,

three different girls last night
'cause of me?

[ Laughter ]
No, no, no, no, no.

I drive for Uber.
I'm an Uber driver.

Oh.
I took three
different girls home.

Oh, nice.

You were saying that
the girls here are too old.

Like, I feel like
the old one.

[ Laughter ]

Ouch!
[Bleep]

[ Laughter ]

See, you were saying
that the girls here are too old.

Like, I feel like
the old one.

[ Laughter ]

Nice, Q.

Ouch.

[Bleep]
He thought
you were .

[ Laughter ]

[Bleep]
Um, but -- I mean...

[ Laughter ]

That's the game.
That is the game.

Can I get
your phone number?

Oh. Oh, yeah.

You're not
in my age group?

So, wait,
what just happened?

[ Both laugh ]

Well-played.

Joe:
Best in the business.

There's two right there.
Two bitties right there.

"Two bitties."

You went old school,
like when we used to hang out.

To be clear,
Joe used to say "bitties."

Are you two
on a date

or are you gonna start
talking to other people?

Where'd you get
them egg rolls?

Where do you
get them?
[ Laughs ]

[ Both laugh ]

Hey.
How are you?

This is
my friend Sal.

Joe: What are we drinking?
Jameson and ginger ale.

Oh, Jameson
and ginger ale.

Yeah, he used to be
a bartender.

So, he started --

Well,
I owned the bar.

No more Jameson
for me.

Oh, they own a bar?
Do you go there a lot?

It's in Guam.
You've been to Guam.

Yeah, I've been
to Guam three times.

I know the, uh -- the, uh --
not the mayor of Guam --

what's it called?
The ambassador.

The ambassador.

That's right, yeah.
So...

Okay, 'cause...
[ Laughter ]

Joe is trying to undercut
Sal's credibility.

The governor.
The governor.
Yeah.

The governor and his family
is friends with my family.

So, it's just weird
that you're from Guam

'cause I wrote
to the governor yesterday.

Yeah. Tell her about
your depression.

[ Laughter ]

Nice one, Joey.

[ Chuckling ]
I used to be depressed.

[ Laughter ]

So, can he get
your number?

You want
to give him your number?

I didn't --
he's just kidding.

Anybody want
to give him your number?

I would love it.

Really? Okay.
Murr: Oh!

I know he's being forward,
but that's cool.

Hey, why I'm here.
I'm your wingman.

Narrator: Murr and Joe
don't need a date

because they're keeping
each other company

on the loser board.

Today,
we're at Lot-Less,

and Q and I
are feeling awfully down.

What's bothering us?

Oh, don't worry.
Sal and I are gonna tell you.

Yeah, and then,
after we tell you,

you have to
go up to a shopper

and get them to encourage you,
no matter what we say.

I can't do it, man.
Well, if you can't,
you lose.

[ Laughter ]

Joe: Oh, this guy
looks depressed.

Oh, that's Q.
[ Laughs ]

Aw, you look down,
bud.

Sal: Q, you sure you don't want
to play this game for real?

And just, like, you know,
just tell somebody

what you're feeling
so down about?

That's
Classic Steakhouse?

Oh, okay, thank you.

You know what, I'm just
having the worst day.

"I'm having trouble
with the neighborhood bully."

I'm having trouble
with my neighborhood bully.

He's not bothering me. No,
no, no, he's not bothering me.

I'm paying him
to bully my daughter.

I'm paying him
to toughen up my daughter.

But I don't think
he's harsh enough.

I don't think
he's --

Wait.
It's a dog-eat-dog world.

No, no.

This is called "discouragement
and abandonment."

So, you think
I've wasted $,?

[Bleep]

No.
[ Laughter ]

That was the clearest loss
we've ever had.

[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]

Do you know if these
are any good?

It's to cheer me up.

"I've been writing
a letter

for the past six months,
every day."

For the past six months, every
day, I've been writing a letter.

"And I can't get Danica McKellar
to write me back."

And I can't get
Danica McKellar to read it.

Do you know who
Danica McKellar is?

Do you remember the TV show
"The Wonder Years"

in the 's?
Remember?
Yeah.

You know, Winnie Cooper,
who was the little girl?

That's Danica McKellar.
I still have a crush on her.

I've been writing her a letter
every day for six months --

/ letters --

and she just hasn't
written me back.

[ Sal laughs ]

So,
that's my situation.

[ Laughter ]

What do you think?

Well, that's neither
here nor there.

[ Laughter ]

Writing letters.

Yeah, .

[ Laughter ]

That would be discouraging
my current behavior,

and that's the opposite
of what I need, here.

[ Laughter ]

That's discouraging.
That's discouraging.

[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]

Narrator: Murr's gonna need all
the encouragement he can get,

'cause he's about
to be punished.

All right,
all right.

Somebody's missing.

Oh, there's a reason
for that.

We've talked about,
for years,

shaving Q's head
to his scalp

and making a wig
out of his luscious locks

and forcing Murray
to wear it.

Yeah.
But here's the thing --
we're about to do that,

and Murray's
gonna have to wear it

for the rest
of the season.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, have a seat.
Let's get Andrew in here.

We're bringing in our friend
Andrew of Andrew DiSimone Wigs.

What's up, Q?
How you doing?
Good. Listen --

Best in the business?
That's right, baby.

'Cause I don't trust this hair
to just anybody.

No problem.

♪

Oh, the front's
the first?

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

You look crazy!

[ Laughter ]

Wow.
Oh, my God.

♪

There it is.
Wow.

You look like a complete
psychopath right now.

Baby steps through.
Baby steps through.

Come on,
what's going on?

Here we go.

Aah!
What is this?!

Oh, my God!

No, no!
That hair's
going on that head.

[ Laughter ]

You know
how we always said

how funny it'd be to make
a wig of his hair

that you have to wear
for the rest of the season?

That was a joke, guys!
Oh, that was no joke!

[ Laughter ]

And here we are.

Here it is? This is it.
Release the kraken.

Let's do this.
One...

All:
...two, three.

Oh, my God!

And here we are.
Here it is?

This is it.
Release the kraken.

Let's do this.
One...

All:
...two, three.

Oh, my God!

[ Laughing ]
It's got the wave.

Q:
Oh, my God.

Ew!
Whoa!

Oh, my God.
All right, here we go.

All right. Here we go.
Turn around.

You got to
turn around.

Don't look!
You're looking over my shoulder.

I saw you!

Oh, my God!

Murr:
On three, turn around.

One, two, three.

[ Laughter ]

Look at this.
Look.
What does
it look like?

Is it bad?

Oh, my God!

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my God.

So, Murr, you have to
go get a passport photo.

[ Laughter ]

We made you get
a driver's-license photo

when you had no hair
on your head.

And now we're making you
get a passport photo

when you have that.

Stop screwing with
my travel!

How long does a passport --
isn't it like years?

years.
[ Laughter ]

So, you just
have to go ask people

where the
passport office is.

Q: I don't think you're ready
for the responsibility

of having
great hair like that.

You think it's just flipping
around looking sexy, it's not.

With great hair
comes great responsibility.

Yeah, you got
that right, pal.

It smells like Q.

What does
it smell like?

It smells like whiskey
and pot.

[ Laughter ]

All you got to do is find
the passport place, buddy.

I'm in
a hairy situation.

I got to get
a new passport fast.

[ Coughs ]
I'm choking on my hair.

Oh, okay.
I got plenty more,
so it's okay.

It's okay.

When you go there, is it free
or do you have to pay?
[toupée]

You have to pay.

[ Laughter ]

Q, how did you have this
on your head?

This is day one.
Yeah.

This is months.

We're coming into
the summertime, too.

Do I have to comb it?
Do I have to wash it?

No, you can't wash it
or comb it.

That's as fresh as the hair's
gonna be, right now.

It's only getting worse,
is your point?

It's deteriorating.
It's like me.

[ Laughter ]

So, that's it.

Now you got to go
get a passport photo.

Man: Guess what came in.
[ Laughter ]

Is this
my passport?

No!

Oh, my God.

Are you kidding me?!
Oh, my God.

Wow. You are never
getting through TSA.

Oh, my God.

Do you have your license
on you?

Look at this.
You know what's funny?

When he doesn't
have the hair

and he shows this,
they're gonna be like,

"What? Do you have
anything else?"

[ Laughter ]
And he takes that out.

He takes
the license out.

You need two proofs of ID?
There you go.

Well, the good news is,
your hair came in really nice.

Up next on "Impractical Jokers
After Party,"

we got all of the guys,

and of course a special
appearance by Murr's new hair.

But you know what?
Up first,

here's Casey Jost with
"Impractical Insider."

♪

Hey, it's Q,
here with Casey.

You're watching
"Impractical Insider,"

and you are in
for a treat.

We got some stuff that we have
to cut out of the episode.

Casey:
A lot of stuff got cut,

and now you get to watch
bonus footage about it.

Yeah.
And when I say
a lot of stuff got cut...

Yeah.

[ Laughter ]

Q: Wow.

It would kind of be funny
if you guys were like,

"Nah, there's
no punishment for Murr."

[ Laughter ]

We said this
as a joke.

We were drunk
when we said this.

Yeah, but we
wrote it down, though.

That's the problem.
[ Laughter ]

This is crazy.

They called it
a "Q-pée."
[toupée]

[ Laughter ]

That's nice --
Q-pée.

I used to have this
for years.

Sal, actually,
said the best thing.

We were driving one night,
and he said,

"I feel like we're
hanging out in our s."

'Cause that was, like,
from the time

I was to the time
I was, like,

is when I had it.
Right, right.

And he's like, "I feel like
we're back, like, hanging out."

Here it is.

Oh, my God!

It's got the wave!

Oh, my God.

Are you that gray?

Oh, my God. This is what
my hair looked like?

Do you know
how hot it is?
Sal: Is it hot?

Yeah, it's so hot.
Oh, today's mild, too.

You're not gonna have
a good go this summer.

[ Laughter ]

When the wig was completed,
it was in my bedroom

'cause it was the safest place
in the house.

That makes sense.
That's where I'd put it.

All of a sudden, I walk into the
room and I'm smelling something.

And I asked my wife,
"What's that smell?"

And it was Q.
It was another man.

It smells like
a smoky scent.

Q: Can I put that on,
or won't it fit my head?

I'm not sure.
Oh, please, put it on.

Oh, yes.

This looks like
Revolutionary w*r [bleep]

Like I'm about to bust in
and be, like,

"Ah, no taxation
without representation!"

Is the passport office
this way or this way?

Do you know?

You're in Washington --

I'm in it, but...
I got to find it fast.

I don't want to wig out.
I got to get there fast.

[ Laughter ]

Bud, do you know,
is the passport office this way?

Q: "You're bald, huh?"

I used to be bald, too,
but not anymore.

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Murr, do you, like,
feel more confident right now?

I do.
[ Laughter ]

And the fun continues.

'Cause I brought a whole
entourage to really sell it.

He's showing up
with reindeer and elves.

In March,
at a Jewish school.

"Of course I'm vetting.
I'm not an animal."

I got one.

Oh.

That's one of
the reindeer...

Now, that wasn't
my intention.

Aw, Blitzen straight
rocked Little Karl.

[ Laughter ]

Blitzen, why you got to
do it like that?

[ Laughing ]

I'll start barking.
I'll start barking.

Sal: Ready?
Wait a second. Ready?

You go, "Get off me.
Get off me."

Wait,
how do you record audio?

You press that button
and hold it.

Got it.
[ Siren wails ]

Put your hands
behind your back!

[ Screaming ]
[ Barking ]

I said, "Put you hands
where I can see them!"

[ Barking ]

[ g*nshots ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

The funny thing --

why'd the b*llet
happen so late?

[ Laughter ]

It didn't record.ullet
happen so late?

[ Laughter ]